I’ve talked about love many times on this blog and ultimately much of what ties us to someone who we’re in a poor relationship is believing that we love them and trying to convince them that they should love us and give us the relationship and validation that we want from them.
The trouble is, feeling that you want someone and love them doesn’t put them into a contractual obligation to love you back.
Your love doesn’t spread out and get projected onto them.
In essence, loving them doesn’t instigate an IOU – I love you so surely you must love me?
There is a consistent thread of us being caught up in illusions, denial, projection, and potential.
We conjure up this vision of the person which is sometimes based on brief behaviour that they have exhibited or is an out and out fantasy based on how you’d like him to be, or based entirely on what you believe to be the magnitude of your feelings literally clouding your vision.
We deny the reality of their behaviour and often the reality of our own, and opt for the illusion because it stops us from having to accept things and take action.
We project what we think, feel, and do onto them believing that in them being in this relationship that we believe ourselves to be in that they will think, feel, and do the same. We often base much of our expectations on this – If I had someone loving me and accepting me warts and all, I’d love the hell out of them and we do this because we’re trying to get them to make us feel good and validated.
We bet on potential believing that brief behaviour exhibited is indicative of what you could get in the future if you could only just get it out of him.
What this can all lead to is believing the hype of our own feelings and assuming that he sees what you have to offer in the way that you perceive it.
However, often with Mr Unavailables and assclowns, this is quite the opposite.
You think you’re showing him your love and giving him the whole kit and kaboodle; he thinks that you must be desperate.
Harsh, but unfortunately all too true. If you keep showing these guys the time of day after they have in more ways than one effectively shown their arses and let you know their true selves, they recognise on some level, that you must be desperate to still be pursuing them and declaring your love.
Classic examples are:
Cutting contact with them and then chasing them for contact.
Cutting contact with them, breaking contact with them when they make some minuscule effort to get in touch with you, for example by email or text, and then taking up the reins of contact and pursuing them even when they have stopped responding because they have already got confirmation that you’re still interested.
Trying to win him back when he’s left you for another woman and he’s still with her.
Trying to win him back when he’s cheated on you, you’ve broken up, and he has no interest in getting back together.
Being the other woman to the other woman.
Telling him that if you can’t have all of him, you’ll take what you can get.
Downgrading yourself from girlfriend to booty call.
Constantly trying to get him to see what you think that your relationship with him could be – He’s thinking “Can’t you see I’m not ‘getting’ it?”
This is just the tip of the iceberg but the saying “Whatever you’re selling, I’m not buying” springs to mind.
Bearing in mind that you often have some level of history with these guys, you’ve got to step into reality and instead of projecting what you think the meaning of things are and how he should see it, start looking at things contextually.
It’s the age old problem of us failing to see the wood for the trees.
You need to start asking yourself, “What, based on my previous experiences of dealing with him, will he interpret X as?”
Suddenly, you will become cautious about being reactive to sudden urges to pursue him or make contact, and you will also consider your actions and words in a bigger context.
“I love you unconditionally and with all my heart” to the same jumped up assclown that has been mucking you about says “I am crazy in love and you can trample all over me because I have no boundaries and very little self-respect”.
“I will be waiting for you when you’re ready” says “Go on with your bad self and screw and chase every woman you can because I’m going to put my life on hold and wait for you, while you live it up, in the hope that one day you will recognise my value and come back to me”
Operating from a place of negativity and desperation (even if you may not see it as that) often yields poor choices that impact negatively on you. If you feel desperate, you choose desperate men.
This is not you. Even if you’ve had moments like this, call it a moment of relationship insanity and get wise because you’re letting these guys steal your wind – you’re handing it to them on a plate and then turning around to show them the ‘kick me’ sign on your back.
No guy, especially an assclown or Mr Unavailable is worth you throwing in your self-respect and self-esteem towel so it’s time to pull your head out of the clouds, put your foot in reality, and start considering the bigger picture of your actions and what another interpretation of them may be so that you can cut the drama and ease your way out of the chaos of being with these men.