Soon after I had a change of heart and he was already on his flirting ways and had hooked up with an old girlfriend whom I had suspected him of seeing even when we were together because they live in the same state.

Anyways when I began trying to “win him back” it was already too late and he wanted nothing to do with me but I persisted and after reading this article I know fully how desperate I acted. I did so many foolish things and I made it my business to let him know at all times that I was available. I still have not moved on with my life perhaps because I still hope that he would turn around and I want to be ready but mostly I convince myself it is because I have not found that one as yet.

Life is hard and it is good when we can find little pieces from the manual (like your article) to help us along the way.

Thank you so much for sharing.

7 months of NC and you think of him? I wouldn’t have wasted not one brain cell thinking of him after 7 months girl…. I think that you had an illusion or something cause 7 months no contact is quite long enough to have gotten over him and be well on your way. I am now on my first 30 days NC as of today and I have not one craving in my mind of ever going back to that NARCISSTS ASS HOLE or letting him back into my life EVER!!!! NEVER!!! EVER!!! AGAIN!!!! I say you screwed up but there is life after death… cause I’m sure that’s what it almost feels like after being free for a while and then giving him power over you again. Maybe that was your epiphany moment(CONFIRMATION) to let you know that the relationship is OVER AND THEIR IS NOTHING TO SALVAGE SO GAIN SOME DIGNITY AND KEEP IT MOVING.

Am posting here after almost a year.I had stopped all contact with my ass clown and was very proud of the progress I was making.Then,yesterday after a gap of 7 months,I felt the urge to call him and gave in to it.He has not changed one bit.He treated me so badly that I feel like shooting myself now for having contacted him.While we were talking,he said that his mother was on the other line and that he would speak to her and get back to me.I had my doubts that he would call back, and he proved me right.He did not call me back.I kept calling and texting him and he even stopped answering my calls.And the next day,he sheepishly sends me a text saying that he had other chores to do and could not call me.To tell me this,he took such a long time and that too after I sent him atleast 10 messages asking him what happened.Even then,I did not stop.I called him again from a different number and tried to analyze his behavior with him.Of course,he did not accept any of it and kept insisting that what he did was right.And worse of all,I wonder what happened to the self discipline that I exercised for such a long time.Suddenly i seem to have become this weak woman who is desperate to contact him no matter what,ready to accept the crumbs he keeps throwing at me.I am really really ashamed of myself for having broken the no contact rule.Please advise.Has this happened to others as well?

I agree with everything you wrote about EUMs. I just broke up with my EUM 2 weeks ago….tried to be friends, and it all went upside down for me, when I saw him hug this woman like I’d not seen before. Then I mentioned it and he went from being a friend and how I meant a lot to him, to saying he doesn’t want to talk to me ever again…we can’t be friends as long as we have feelings. This is true, and he is the one that did it,…not me. I haven’t gone NC yet, as I sent him an email today telling him how hurt I was with what he said.

Oh well. I wish you luck, and and keep up with NC…I get a sense that is really the only way to go. And be kind to yourself. What matters is what we do today…

One time when we broke up, I tried to be an adult about the situation and agreed to be friends. Don’t ever do this! It will hurt you worse than if he left you altogether. Don’t get me wrong, some couples can be friends after it’s over…but those are healthy relationships. You cannot do this with an EUM/AC. They are selfish, insecure & sick. The whole time I was trying to have a friendship with him…He kept reiterating to me that he wasn’t my boyfriend anymore. I asked him why he had to keep saying that to me when I already knew that and he said it’s because he could “feel” that I wanted us to be a couple again. WTF?! Then he would make references about trips he was going to go on with his friends, made statements about how other women looked and anything else he could bring up to make me feel bad or get a reaction. THEN he turned around and said, that I was the most attractive and wonderful woman he has ever been with and nobody could compare. So, therefore I will be “his yardstick” to measure any future relationships by. He actually thought this was a compliment. I was so offended that I had to leave the conversation. It was bad enough everything else he said, but he just kept pushing the envelope. Now I’m a damn yardstick! If I was so perfect, why did you leave me?

This man put me through so much agony and messed up my mind so bad, that I was willing to be friends with him just to still have him in my life in some capacity. An EUM learns your vulnerabilities and what is important to you. They become exactly what you need at that moment in your life. They come across charming, caring & intelligent. They tell you what you need to hear and put you on an emotional high. Before long you are falling in-love. He is hooked…until he gets his fill, has to start giving more to the relationship or cannot get something from you that he wants. Then the honeymoon is over and the problems begin. Usually they’re subtle, to test the waters of how far he can push you. By that time your heart is invested. You value the relationship and willing to be understanding and work through things to maintain the union.

Then comes the inevitable for all EUM…they start abandoning you. A few days, a week, longer. Telling you this is how they are, they need their space sometimes or this is how they work through their problems. It’s hard for you to understand, because they didn’t need space before nor is this the way a normal relationship should be. They imply that you’re needy or you’re just not being understanding or how unfair you are. Once you give them that out, then they begin using it as a form of control. It all goes downhill from there and doesn’t get any better. They can turn a confident, outgoing woman into a shadow of herself. Checking the answering machine constantly, sitting by the phone, keeping your cell phone with you like it’s an appendage and logging into your email like you have a compulsive disorder. Crying, filled with anxiety all the time, walking on eggshells, can’t sleep, over analyzing and ashamed to tell anyone that the man you love treats you this way. They are passive-aggressive in the worst way and become emotionally abusive by with-holding communication, affection, empathy & support. By the time it’s all done, you’ll need therapy yourself.

I hate myself that I let him do this. I could have left, but my self esteem was so damaged & my brain so jumbled that I didn’t know how to do that. I thought I needed him. I was on a rollercoaster that I couldn’t get off of. And what keeps you there are the strokes they give you….by putting you back in that honeymoon phase for awhile. Being good to you and making you the center of their universe….then taking it all away at whim. Remembering the good times and how great you used to be together. WE can’t believe they don’t love us or care, because there are times when things are so fabulous. I made excuses for my EU-ex. In the end he made me feel like it was my fault, that I had elements in my life that caused the problems. In reality he just couldn’t control me to the extent he wanted. My life was fine….it wasn’t until I met him that I had issues….but did I think about that, NO!

He left me for 18 months and the stress took my health. He hurt me so bad emotionally, that I almost didn’t make it. I was on the road to recovery, but he noted me on a site we were members of and what did I do? I opened it! My girlfriend said delete it. I can still hear her telling me, please don’t let him pull the scab off the wound, when you are just now healing. I didn’t listen to her, b/c I wanted so bad to hear him tell me that he was sorry and give me closure. We talked on the phone and he made all kinds of promises, told me what I longed to hear and convinced me he was a changed man. He Treated me like a Queen, made several trips to visit me and was so loving. He told me he’d never hurt me again and made plans to move to my state so we could start a new life. Even told me that as soon as he saved the money, he would buy me a ring. The first 3 months were so good I can’t describe it. I trusted him, forgave him and let him back into my heart….then 1 day out of the blue, he disappeared on me.

It took him 2 days just to contact me and all he said was, I’m ok…sorry I made you worry via email. Then sent me another email that said, he felt like something was missing. He could’ve told me that before I slept with him. He didn’t care how this would affect me. My feelings just didn’t mean anything b/c he got what he wanted. I was so devastated that I told him at the end of the summer we could talk about things and try to work it out. He agreed and said he loved me and wanted things to be better. I asked him to call me at the end of August. He never showed up and shut me out of his life. PLEASE don’t make the mistakes I did!!!!

Dumb me called him crying on his machine and asked him to please talk to me. I Wrote him letters and since we were in a long distance relationship, there isn’t more I could do….but hurt. He didn’t lift a finger to call me back or even acknowledge my correspondence… but I KNOW I have emails from him in my in-box. I REFUSE to read them, because they will only make me feel bad and it continues to give him control. I don’t even want to look at the subject line, so I have not been in my email since July. EUM/AC love email/texting and any other form of contact where they don’t have to talk directly to you or deal with conflict. Unless they are going into therapy and getting help, you have to stay away for your own sanity. NC is hard, but allowing them to control you or get a reaction out of you is worse. You are giving them what they need and they don’t have to give you anything. Realize that you are still vulnerable as long as you have feelings for them. Care about yourself more than him….I try to tell myself that everyday. Love should not be this hard nor should it be so painful. Stand behind your boundaries and have NO CONTACT!! I was in this nightmare for 9 YEARS. I don’t want any of you to hurt like I do.

Looking back there were many subtle digs and I find it easiest just to believe that EVERYTHING he said was a lie and one massive ego stroke/long long belt of narcissistic supply. That is the ONLY thing which makes sense.

I just wanted to thank you both for your words of wisdom. It’s things like this that help me to survive everyday. Every night before I go to bed and every morning before I go to work, I come to this site for positive thoughts before I have to face the AC at work.

@Mel-I completely agree with you…I initially felt bad for him with the Baby Mama drama, but I’ve never heard the flipside-the ex-girlfriend’s story. I guess I’ll never know.

Tonight, I had a date and at the end of the night, we both ended up talking about our ex’s and found that we were in the same predicament: we’re both not completely over them. My date was really sweet, but there weren’t any sparks on my end.

On my way home from the restaurant, I kind of broke down and cried thinking about the AC. I always try really hard to think about how the negative in the relationship outweighed the positive, but sometimes it doesn’t always happen. I want so badly to get over him because I know that he definitely isn’t thinking about me. What still gets me is why he was ballsy enough to pursue someone who not only worked in the same company but same department when in the long run he wasn’t even wanting a real relationship. As I mentioned before, I have a sneaking suspicion he is hooking up with someone else in a different department. If I get confirmation on this, I will be sure to warn her about him.

@txwoman-thanks for the positive reinforcement. I have to continue to remind myself that I am a good person with a good heart and have a lot to offer a guy who is deserving of my love. I did nothing wrong in this relationship (unless you call listening to his problems and making the effort to ask him to hang out a bad thing).

I gotta say, at first I felt sorry for the AC when he told me about his baby mother. But I do wonder now whether there is more to the story than he let on. I would love to hear her side of the story that’s for sure.

I think they do this ‘my ex is a psycho’ line on purpose. It sets us up to think ‘oh I’d NEVER do that to him/react like that’ etc. And then when they pull their crazymaking behaviour because we’ve already been conditioned not to ‘behave like the psycho ex’ we deny our feelings, fall into line with the shite they throw at us and yes, often DO behave in ways that would make them call us psycho!

Maybe the ACs ex is crazy, who knows? All I know is that I will reserve my judgement until I hear her side of the story because I know for a fact that the AC if he ever does refer to me in any coversations with his latest victims, will not be speaking with any affection whatsoever.

No, I do not know the ex-gf. I only hear the crazy things she does to him to make him stay away from the child. He has also called her psycho too. I discovered her name a few months after getting to know ex-EUM. He has never called her by her real name…just “Baby Mama”. Funny thing is he says all these terrible things that she has done to him, yet I am pretty sure he’d drop everything (including me, had we still been together) to be back with her in a heartbeat.

your list is spot on, it’s like you’ve crystalised the attributes of these guys and hopefully any new people reading this will see these as red flags for the future. I know I certainly will.

The AC had a terrible relationship with his father. He once said to me ‘my father used intimidation and manipulation to rule the household and was like that until one day I stood up to him and saw for myself how weak he really was. that was such a turning point for me in our relationship. After I stood up to him I actually grew to understand him a lot better actually. But i also realized that in fact, he was not a nice man!’

This conversation came back to me the other day and I smiled to myself as I realised in that very moment that the AC was describing HIMSELF (although he would be furious if i ever told him that…he said he has dedicated his life to being the opposite of his father. and whilst he may not be physically abusive, he certainly makes up for it in emotional abuse.

@Erica “a child, and a crazy ex-girlfriend with whom he has the child with”
Do you know the ex girlfriend? The AC was awful about his daughter’s mother can actually called her ‘psycho b*tch ‘ the first day i met him. I think I only discovered her real name after i’d known him 6 months. He’s probably calling me the same now i imagine.

He had a sob story about how she’d trapped him by getting pregnant etc and all manner of stories about how awful she is. Well I’ll never know will I, but it does make you wonder.

Am I alone though in my thoughts that while I probably will nip any future situations like this in the bud with ACs/EUMs should they ever cross my path again, I deep down want the sting they will feel at being put in their place by the stronger, more (self) loving woman I will become to hit the AC in the balls at the same time!

I am going to print out the NC rules-paste them above my PC.