I used to date a guy that was convinced that every single guy was trying to get into my knickers. Every time we went out, he’d end up having a hissy fit if I spent too long talking to one particular guy, they were flirtatious or just happened to look in my direction. It drove me insane and we had horrific arguments over it and thankfully I told him to beat it, but I know that had he been accusing me cheating, things would have been far worse.

It’s one thing if you are cheating but often, when people are accused of cheating, it exists only in the insecure, possessive, jealous person’s mind. No matter what answer you give, it’s not the right one and you could claim you’re not cheating till the cows come home but they don’t want to believe it.

When people make accusations of cheating it tends to stem from 3 places:

Fear and insecurity based on past experiences or your past that have them feeling paranoid
Mistaking certain behaviours from you as indicators of cheating -hypersensitivity
They are cheating

Past Experiences – Theirs and Yours

Relationships need to be based on trust and honesty which means that you are both likely to share your pasts, even if they don’t exactly place either of you in a glowing light. If you’ve admitted that you cheated, especially if it was several times or in several relationships, it is understandable that a person can feel a little nervous about whether or not you have changed or if this is a serial habit.

If they have been cheated on in the past, this can be a devastating experience with far reaching effects, however I have stated repeatedly on this blog that you should not be in a relationship if you’re carrying major emotional baggage and this issue exceeds the maximum weight. If you’re so badly affected that you can’t trust anyone then you need to work on your issues and preferably alone. Whilst most people will be understanding of past issues, this patience will wear thin when you have to keep defending yourself and being punished for their experiences. You’ll want to move the relationship forward and they’re stuck in the past. Whilst they may make noises to the contrary, your partner is showing signs of not trusting you – they don’t trust relationships, they don’t trust themselves and they are having difficulty trusting what you say and do. They may not see it that way, but this is how it is.
Is there anything you can do?

Whilst it doesn’t matter what you say or do with some people, I would certainly be conscious of whether there is anything that you are doing to enable your partners behaviour.

Are you a flirt?
Do you blow hot and cold?
Do you have a wandering eye?
Are you a naturally secretive or withdrawn person? Maybe even emotionally unavailable?

If you have something to take responsibility for in this, it may be time for you both to have a discussion about what you are both doing together as it sounds quite destructive.

Hypersensitivity

Been super busy at work lately? Maybe a bit too absorbed in your own stuff? Privately worried about something and finding yourself being closed off? Got a surprise in the pipeline and being secretive?

Sometimes people mistakenly jump to the wrong conclusions. I don’t expect you to walk on eggshells however, being part of a relationship means that you need to be sensitive to each others needs and natural insecurities, and this means that you should be careful of behaving in a way that inadvertently ends up hurting the other persons feelings.
Relationships involve a contribution from you both and you can’t just decide to shut off and return to the relationship when you feel like it.

They are cheating

In my experience, this is something that tends to happen when it’s the guy who is being paranoid and this is because certain types of men tend to base their accusations of what they think you’re doing on their own actions. Otherwise it’s just plain old guilty conscience.

Most of the time it’s paranoia when people are repeated accusers of cheating so I wouldn’t go running to accuse them of cheating unless you have good enough reason to suspect it.

The darkside of being made guilty without cause or trial

Some people when they find themselves on the receiving end of someone who is accusing them habitually of cheating, eventually decide that if the person isn’t going to believe them, they might as well do it and be guilty as charged. Whilst I understand the frustration, this is not the way to handle the situation. If you feel like you want to do this, you’ve reached your own breaking point and it’s either time to walk away, or tell your partner to resolve their issues and commit to the relationship and trust you or leave you alone and end the relationship. Don’t give them any further chances to take out their issues on you and they are either forced to confront their issues or be on their own.

As a general guideline, if you are with someone who is constantly accusing you of cheating, or just being out of control with their jealousy and possessiveness, this is a MAJOR RED FLAG and you you either have to walk away and cut your losses or force the person to deal with themselves. You’ll find more often than not that it’s easier to walk away…
If you are actually guilty of cheating…that’s a whole other post….

Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter – @baggagereclaim .

Natalie (NML) – who has written posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.


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13 Responses to When You’re Accused of Cheating

  1. Rebel says:

    I would say people who are that way are impossible to live with and should be dumped right away. I was married to a woman like that, and their accusations never go away- they get worse.

  2. goodnplump says:

    Yes, I’m guilty. My husband cheated on me in the past. He is currently out of the country. He said the guys he is with are seeing how many girls, ladies, women they can get before they leve that country. So guess what I got upset, sad, and began to cry. My husband is with these guys. So I’m questioning myself does my husband want to participate with these guys? He said for me to trust him, I do. I’m not crazy thouh when your weak in an error of your life and temptation is all around. I don’t know what to think. I don’t want ot make accusations. I realy thought I had forgiven him, but when he siad that I had a flashback. Oh my GOD, please help my husband and me. I have had tis on my mind all day. I can’t think right, what damage have done, in getting upset about this conversation. Please help. God Bless. Why can’t I get over this?? the past??

  3. NML says:

    Goodnplump – You can’t get over this because it’s not resolved with you in some way and there is something that has prevented closure. Your husband has been insensitive but it’s one of those situations where if he hadn’t told you it wouldn’t have been great either. I think that when he comes home, you both need to sit down and have an honest conversation about where you are both at, or attend marriage therapy. Some things are difficult to forget…

  4. Baggage Reclaim Round Up » The guide to single living, dating, relationships and of course, man taming. says:

    [...] Man Exist? The Lazy Break Up Via Text, Email and IM How To Attract An Emotionally Unvailable Man When You’re Accused of Cheating Having Standards Coping With Past Relaitonships Talking Dirty to Your Man (The Starter Edition) [...]

  5. Someone says:

    My partner accused me of cheating today. I’ve never felt so hurt in all my life, I’m totally against cheating and hardly dated before I met the partner I’m with today. It hurts so much when someone makes such a claim, especially when you trust them completely

  6. Unsure says:

    I’d have to agree with goodnplump. I’ve accused my husband of cheating but its not like I haven’t had reason. He’s been caught lying about going out with friends and wanting to drink and party again, but if he lies about that what am I to believe about other things. I found condoms (although unopend) boxes but he says they were for us. I accuse him often especially after this. I guess because of the other lies and situations from the past that he’s been in are fishy, they don’t add up. Could I be looking too much into it and falsely accusing him, its possible, but tell my heart that he’s not lying. Oh, and to add to the lie he claims he stayed at his friends house, when he didn’t come home and after a big fight, he hasn’t been home in two days. Can lying really make someone look to far into something?

  7. Offended and betrayed says:

    I don’t know what to do anymore…for the past several months my boyfriend of 5 years continuously accuses me of cheating on him…honestly, I never have and never would do that to him…he had cheated on me repeatedly the first year or two that we were together…we haven’t been continuously together for 5 years, we’ve broken up a few times…but I have never done him wrong EVER…and when he spouts out his accusations wanting explanations I get defensive and speechless bc I don’t know what to say…and I get offended bc I’m innocent…but there’s no way to prove that to him so I’m stuck…we had just gotten back together in august…although I was still hanging around him alot we still weren’t together…I had slept with my ex a couple months prior to when we got back together, and bc I didn’t tell him about it he says that I was devious and wrong…HOW though we WEREN’T TOGETHER!…he brings that up ALL the time…he doesn’t understand that we weren’t together then, so yea I slept with someone else…but I would never do that when we are together, and it wasn’t a random guy you know…that’s one accusation…the next one is that his friend told him he slept with me!?!?!? where the hell was I when that supposedly happened? bc I NEVER touched that man…I told my boyfriend that he probably said that to him to ruin what we have bc he’s jealous and wants me for himself or something, I have no idea but I had nothing to do with any of that…the next accusation is he thinks there was something going on with one of his other friends that used to live with us…he said I always looked in his room when I walked by and I wore my short bathrobe then…WHO KNOWS? I never freakin touched that one either….but my boyfriend insists that I was different when he was around, when in reality we just weren’t doing good at that time and I told him I didn’t know what I want (whether I wanted to stay together) but that had nothing to do with anyone else, just me and my boyfriend…ridiculous…then I have this male friend that I met when my boyfriend was away working at a camp in mass…he came over to my old apt with my best friend (she was my room mate at the time) and her now fiance (it is one of his best friends)…and bc I’m friends with him and we ended up exchanging numbers and we talk on the phone occasionally (we are JUST friends though NOTHING has ever happened between us) my boyfriend wants to know how we got to the point of talking on the phone (he thinks something had to happen to get to that point) but it was just bc we used to be around each other alot and we have a few mutual friends…my boyfriend makes me feel like I’m not allowed to have male friends bc when I have tried to get him to be around them he’s like “no I don’t know if you slept with him or not, I don’t wanna look like a joke”…he CHOSE not to be involved in that part of my life so I don’t talk to my male friends around him (bc he acts funny and is over protective)…anyway, sorry for writing so much, but can someone please let me know why I’m always getting accused? I’m innocent and have no way to prove it…I can’t live like this, he stresses me out to no end…and if anything I should be the one not trusting him bc of his past, but I do trust him…I don’t know what to do, someone please let me know what you think…I hope he’s not cheating again….

  8. CLA says:

    I’m in the military. I live in Virginia and my girlfriend in Alabama. Lately she’s been accusing me of cheating and I don’t know what to do. Recently I got two jobs, so I had very little time on my hands. That’s when she started to accuse me of cheating so I quit that job thinking it would make her feel better but it didn’t. She doesn’t like to go out with her friends because she’s constantly expecting to hear from me. She gets upset when I tell her that she shouldn’t do that because of the relationship. She says she thinks I’m cheating because I’m a guy. Last night, I finally worked up the nerve to tell that I masterbate alot differently then most guys and I don’t use my hand. I don’t need to go into detail but I have to use a condom to keep it from getting all over me. Thinking she’d understand, I told her, but instead she further believed that I’m cheating on her and keeps asking me questions about who this supposed other person is. I love her so much and I want to be with her but I can’t get her to believe me and I’m really getting tired of being accused! What should I do?

  9. gemma elsey says:

    my boyfriend is always accusing me of cheating i never have and never would all i want is for us to be happy and have a happy life together but we go a few days getting on really well then he starts again which is really frustrsting i dont know what to say or do to prove to him i never have and never would as i love him and he is enough for me i feel so lucky to have him in my life and couldnt imagine life without him what can i do?

  10. mlo says:

    Hey, know how you all are feeling, my gf, or should i say ex accused me yesterday and it really got to me, over comments left on my myspace by my female friend of all things. After putting bulletins online of how much of a jerk i am she only decided to ask me straight out when i got in touch with her. the lack of respect for me as some one she supposedly cares for is what did it for me, i didn’t even attempt to explain because you cant reason with someone who is that insecure, after trying so hard to be humble since the moment we met i lost patients and decided to stand up for myself, its safe to say its over now. For me its the best option to cut my losses but this isn’t the case in every relationship where couples have developed real love for one another. my only advice would be to try and resolve the issues but at the same time dont allow your own boundaries of respect to be broken, if your partner takes it too far and doesn’t treat you how you should be treated then this is a sure shot warning of things to come.

  11. sam says:

    very well put

  12. scared says:

    My husband arranged for his cousin to come trick or treating with my 2 kids and stay the weekend with us. He has been working on his aunts house this girls grandma, she came to help him paint and help with other things. The first night that she helped he came home and said I can see why a certain person in our neighborhood did what she did to a little 14 year old boy. I then said ok should I be worried? He said no she is my cousin. So I felt like it was ok, but one night he sdecided to stay at his aunt’s house cause he didn’t have gas money to run back and forth and his cousin ended up staying there too. I still didn’t think i had anything to worry about. She helped at his aunts house a few more times once when his aunt wasn’t there. She then came for Halloween to my house and and was going to go trick or treating with my 5 year old and 13 month old. At first, I wondered where her friends were and why she wasn’t spending halloween with them and wanted to be with her 34 year old cousin. She is 14 years old. My 5 year old kept trying to get her to play with her and she wouldn’t. She didn’t even really go trick or treating. What had my suspictions was she kept poking and tickling my husband and she put ice down his back and then she would sit right next to him on the couch almost sitting on his lap. He woudn’t do anything back to her or would he get up and leave when she would sit by him. I mentioned something to him after we took her home and he just got really mad, and said there is nothing going on she is my cousin. I told him that I felt like she didn’t come to trick or treat with the kids she just came to hit on him. I hoped he would have said I don’t know why she was acting like that, but instead he just got mad and said that I just wanted to pick a fight and then started changing the subject and to start fighting about something else. Anyway I decided that maybe I was being silly so I laid off. So I thought everything was ok and I went to bed early and I woke up and noticed my husband was sleeping on the couch, so then I didn’t sleep at all and everything that happened over the weekend kept bugging me. So then i asked him why he slept out on the couch and he said cause i feel asleep out here, but he managed to turn off the TV and lights. I don’t know what to believe I have caught him lieing to me about something at work, so why wouldn’t he lie about this now?

  13. All Done says:

    I just ended a 6 year relationship where he constantly accused me of cheating. It started out slow years ago but recently the “allegations” just got soooo out of hand and I drew the line. It’s like he would just POUT and SULK and PRESS me for information as if I needed to fess up to something – but there was nothing. I never cheated on him and never would – you would think he would have learned that over the years. I guess not, but I have had ENOUGH. I could not be with someone who thought so little of me and had absolutely no reason for thinking that way. It’s like he just fabricated these ridiculous things in his mind. It’s VERY hard to deal with and very hurtful. I lasted 6 years and only saw it getting worse by the week.

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