Why Are You Still Single?

January 24, 2006 by NML

woman's face People are fond of asking stupid questions, but as a single person you become fodder for oodles of stupidity because for some reason your life is seen as being less than that of someone who is attached. I think that when they get beyond the lack of comprehension and the tentacles of fear that clutch at their backsides, they are secretly envious of single people as we are footloose and fancy free. However, this doesn’t stop me from wanting to scream at the next person that asks me ‘Why are you still single?’

Now I hate to break it to the offenders, but don’t these twits realise that if I knew the answer to this question, I wouldn’t be single. How long is a piece of string? What exactly do these people expect me to say?
Well I think that sudden appearance of a horn and a tail is a bit off putting for my dates.
I have the clap.
My breath stinks.
I don’t like to give blowjobs.
I’m a chick with a dick.
I act like an innocent woman by day and turn into a psychotic bitch at night.
I have a restraining order placed on me by all my exes.
I just got out of prison.
This is a mask and underneath this face I’m really ugly.
I’m shit in the sack.
I can’t stop screwing other men.
I hate men.

None of the above reasons are true. I’m an ordinary woman that is pretty outgoing, has a lot of friends, many that I’ve had for almost twenty years, has a good job, all my teeth, takes care of her appearance, ambitious, wants to have a few kids and settle down one day, used to have bad taste in men and now has good taste (hopefully) and by all accounts is a good catch. There could be any number of reasons why I am single but I doubt that any of them are a bad thing. I have dated, I’ve had fun, I’ve cocked it up from time to time, but by not engaging in serious relationships willy nilly for the past couple of years or so, I’ve been spared the mercy of some of the aggravation that my coupled friends have. I hope that the next time I am in a relationship it will be a good choice.

I really feel for single people that don’t necessarily have the proverbial balls like some people do, to tell people that ask silly questions like this or that make them feel uncomfortable for being single to go take a run and jump. Coupled people are projecting their own fear of being single when they ask those BS questions or treat single people like social pariahs. There are some people that are unhappy with their singleness and feel miserable with it, and maybe if I was single for ten years I’d feel like that too, but a lot of people that are unhappy with their single status haven’t necessarily being single for very long, they just hate being ‘alone’. They validate themselves based on how coupled up they are and that’s where the questioners, the doubters come creeping in.

My advice: laugh in the face of people that ask this silly question and more, and tell them that you’re single because you’re single and if you knew why you weren’t, you’d either be attached or have made your millions from writing a book. Don’t justify, don’t make excuses and remind them that you don’t ask why they’re still married or with their significant other. Most importantly though, don’t let them get to you and enjoy yourself. When you’re washing your future significant other’s skid marked boxers, or you’ve got the kids that you adore screaming the heads off and you’ve got sick all all over you, or you never get to go out anymore because your life is a mass of couple commitments, you’ll remember these words. Hopefully.

NML is editor of Baggage Reclaim