Why Boyfriends Are Like Diseases

April 3, 2006 by The Tattoed Debutante

I may have killed someone. I don’t mean that I destroyed someone’s self esteem or caused someone severe emotional distress, I mean I got someone so deathly sick that if he dies, it’s going to fall on my head. This is why I’m a good teacher, I’m a walking PSA on why not to make out with random people. I like to stand in the hallway at school and yell at the young couples that making out will get them pregnant. They don’t actually believe me, seeing as how at 15 they are far more well-versed in sex than I think I will ever be. I do, however, believe that they could take a page from my play book here on how not to cope with a break up.

Had I not been dumped in such a heinous manner, my response may not have been so drastic, but I can honestly say that I wasn’t sober for 6 days after that break up. As a parting gift, my ex gave me strep throat. I didn’t know this until the end of the week, and simply assumed that any physical discomfort on my part was due to lack of sleep and severe liver abuse. Therefore, on St. Patty’s Day, I drank myself three sheets to the wind and found myself in the company of a very sweet boy. By the time I figured out that I had, in fact, been sickened with strep, I was back home, far away.

Now, there is a precious boy dying of strep and it’s all my ex’s fault. So let this be a lesson to you. Bad boyfriends cause high fever, sweating, swelling, and intense pain. And making out, while it probably won’t get you pregnant, can have heavy consequences.
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