Comments on: Why do men blow hot and cold?

By: Lesley

Lesley — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 18:55:28 +0000

I’m new to this website an as well as the above article am loving the depth of the posts and the consideration and wisdom shown by NML.I’m in my mid forties now and the comments above resound to me concerning my last relationship, where I spent five years with a puppet master, finally getting out when I realised it didn’t really matter if I was there or not. This man stacked up his own self esteem by controlling mine and eventualy ran out of hot/cold tactics. I lost a lot, emotionally, financially and crucially energy! Reason I ‘d welcome advce on my situation is i’ve very recently(after eighteen months) ventured out dating again… I ‘m bricking it. I think I ‘m going to make the same mistake again. Example…went out with guy I met two or three weeks ago on Sunday, good date, we’d been e mailing loads before that, lots of flirting, nothing heavy, just friendly and light. He seemed very interested, complimented me on my looks, seemed keen.
We kissed, it was lovely, nothing more than that. Now I ‘m starting to panic that he won’t get back and that i’m about to be manipulated by a fiend again.Too early, I hear you say…calm down but I did kind of like this man and don’t want to blow it. I won’t phone him or text first, doesn’t feel right. My question is am I allowing the negativity surrounding my earlier relationship to conquer and control me and how do I stop it? I also have really worked on valuing myself and want to recognise the signs earlier this time….any help appreciated..x

By: private

private — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 18:43:06 +0000

thanks alison. woah that was a very quick reply.

By: private

private — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 18:38:21 +0000

to everyone going through this and nitpicking everything about yourself trying to figure out why he is doing this to you and thinking that there is something wrong you did for him to behave this way towards you. it is not you. i did that to myself and i am now slowly trying to rebuild myself again.

now the only things i look for in a man.. is consistency & honesty. lol no more hot & cold guys for me thanks.

By: Allison

Allison — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 18:33:42 +0000

Private,

Most of us can relate to your situation, as it was very painful and damaging to the self-esteem.

You can turn this around for yourself, if you desire. After my relationship, I recognized that I had low boundaries and poor self-esteem, this situation made me recognize that I had to make positive changes in every area of my life-eliminating toxic friends and establishing boundaries. It took this painful situation to see what I was lacking and what changes were necessary to have a fulfilling life-our problems existed before we met these men.

Make this your epiphany and grow, don’t continue to give this man so much power! There are plenty of good people out there, but we must be more discerning in our choices: don’t give people numerous chances when they repeatedly disappoint.

By: private

private — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 18:20:18 +0000

great article. i can really relate to this.

my advice to every one in a relationship like this is to get out while it’s in the early stages. i stayed for years dating on and off the same guy.. since i always thought maybe this time he’d be different and actually be consistent… but each time i just kept getting my hopes up. In the end after years of hot and cold.. he finally convinced me how he would be there for me and that he really wanted to be with me… i finally believed all his promises since i started seeing that he was putting in a decent effort and not just his words..guess what? just when i finally believed him, One week later he broke up with me and wouldn’t tell me the reason for the break up. Why couldn’t he just break up with me before he tried so hard in convincing me that he wanted to be with me?? it would have saved me the heartache and him the amount of effort and time it took him to try convince me. i just don’t get it. it’s been 2 years since our break up and i still can’t get over it. it wasn’t the fact that we broke up. it was the way he broke up with me that i couldn’t get over. the way he did it was just so cruel. to build some one’s hopes up really high to just squish them in the end. Now i have 0 confidence & 0 trust in people.. every time some one does something nice for me or says something nice. i always think its fake and don’t believe them so to every one going through this.. get out before he ruins your confidence and trust in people and breaks your heart..

I really regret ever meeting him because what i miss most about myself is i guess my innocence which i lost. before i met him.. i used to see the world through rose colored glasses. i didn’t know people could be so cruel.

By: Cee

Cee — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 18:45:45 +0000

Wow. its like the universe sent me to your site. i have been dating someone for a year. i racked my brain, talked this to death and couldnt figure out what i was doing wrong. there is a little bit of him in each story. i really need to figure out something. i dont want to be here in a year. I didnt even know what to call it until now. thanks. I thought it was just me

By: veebs

veebs — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 15:54:31 +0000

I’ve met so many hot-and-colders! My current one spent a week texting me dozens and dozens of times a day, saying that I would make him a great wife, that he gets a good vibe from me, if we’re still together next year let’s get engaged, he’s crazy about me, can’t stop thinking about me, then went almost completely cold with the excuse that he’s stressed at work.

Meanwhile I’m getting into my stride with this man, feeling chipper for the first time in a good while and then left wondering why all of a sudden he’s gone off the boil.

I just hate this kind of BS too; sh*t or get off the pot is the saying, I believe. Stop wasting my time.

By: Nicole

Nicole — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 16:28:10 +0000

Chloe, did we date the same guy???!!! My ex-AC pothead would do the exact same thing with the texting to see what I was up to. Just wanting to know if I was out with another guy, I’m sure. They don’t exactly want us, but don’t want anyone else to have us either!

By: Chloe

Chloe — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 14:12:24 +0000

These are all signs your seeing an immature asshole! I’ve had this problem, met this guy, he was great, funny and I should have seen the signs at the beginning when he was txting me constantly, saying he liked me, even saying ‘you make me happy’ within about 2 weeks of meeting him! He would want to spend every night at my house, we got along great and I honestly thought he liked me. He would look at me longingly, couldnt stay away from me, would cuddle me and kiss me and no didnt seem to care when some nights we didnt have sex. This guy is a hardcore pot smoker and seems to not be quite right in the head, he doesnt sleep at all and barely eats either. He also sells pot. I do believe that smoking £60-£70 worth of pot a day and sleeping for about 1 hour a night must play with someones head, and I think I used this as an excuse for some of his bizarre behaviour. He would often say I need to take you out somewhere when I sort my head out, and often saying his head is mashed, which I have no doubt it is. Anyway I havn’t now seen him for a week and a half, he said he was going to get me a card and come and see me on my birthday (his idea) then the day after (my birthday) said he couldnt come because he had no money, he has bought a motorbike wich i think is why, I said to him whatever seeya in a bit, he then kept sending me messages on facebook saying why you being like that, then I ignored him and he said is that how it is then..I decided yesterday I cant be bothered with this head messing idiot that no longer can be bothered coming seeing me, he txts me once or twice a day to ask what im doing, and when he finds out im at home doing nothing thats it for the rest of the day, but when I go out with a mutual male friend of ours, he always txts me..this guy is so friggin confusing I deleted him off facebook last night and deleted his number, surprise surprise he hasnt even noticed yet, when he does if he doesnt message me I will have my confirmation that he has gone off me, and if he does ask me why i will say because you obviously dont want to come and see me anymore so why bother txting me everyday…I dont want to be messed around constantly waiting for some guy to txt saying shall i come to yours tonight, this guy is an asshole and I should have seen the signs early on..maybe he lost interest I dont know, its his loss and i often dont understand as I am very goodlooking and have an really great figure, maybe thats what attracted him but I also have a bubbly nice personality to! He is average looking and hangs out with a bunch of losers, I have guys after me all over so why doesn’t he want me? He would also act like he wanted to be with me (and believe me Im not stupid I can tell the signs if a guy does actually like you), but never asked me out. I came to the conclusion he was either using me for sex or he has gone off me/got bored. Atleast have the decency to tell me and not keep txting me so I can forget about the loser and move on!

By: Nono

Nono — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 08:15:58 +0000

Seriously, why are men like this? Two years of my life I have spend either trying to get my ex back or trying to forget him. When the time came I decided to forget all about him he was there, just into time to make sure I wouldn’t forget him. Then hope came and all he did was mess me up all over again. I have loved him unconditionally and he was keeping all of his options open. In the end, just a couple of months ago I begged him to let me go. Either you step up and be with me or you leave me alone, I close all doors for you, you won’t ever get a chance again. And I even said “If you don’t want to answer now, then take some to think about it, but eventually you have to let me go because I can’t do this dance you do, anymore!” He didn’t answer, but I told my self that he was to much of a coward to tell me to my face that he would give it up. Almost 3 months passed and on a lonely sunday he texted me. He first he said: “I have thought about it. Would you like to hear it? Or did you decide that is already over between us?” My heart was punching through my chest. I texted him that I was curious to know what he wanted to say. He said that those last words of mine made him think and he wanted to invest in us and if I wanted the same. I told him that I wanted that too. So he asked me to meet. We met a weak later and we talked about everything that we did wrong and why he kept leaving me and coming back to me. In the end I didn’t know what to say anymore and just like that in the moment of silence he proposed to me. I said yes, but in our culture you have to ask the father first, so we can’t go public yet (but his entire family knows). Now we have to wait for my parents to return from a long vacation and I am getting more and more anxious. I caught my self thinking of him changing his mind every minute of the day. Even before I sleep I wonder “When will he tell me he doesn’t want to marry me?” It drives me insane, somehow I have made my self believe that he’s not marrying me out of love (because I love him so much more) but out of convience. I’m afraid he’s settling because I was an easy option.

It’s become a very long post, but I really needed to write this down because I am going crazy and I don’t want to talk about it with friends.

By: Becky

Becky — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 19:04:12 +0000

i came across this while searching on google for help. i’ve been on and off with this lad for about 3/4 years, and one week, he says he loves me so much and i’m the only thing in his life that means something. he mainly says this when he is drunk, he texts me saying these things, i barely make out what he says. and then he’s saying he misses me and wants to see me when he comes home (he’s in the raf), and then we do, we meet up, cuddle, kiss and then end up having sex. and then after when i go home, i sometimes don’t hear from him for days. i last saw him 4 days ago (he’s home for the week), i slept over at his house. and i hadnt heard from him, until 2 days ago, i texted him asking if we could see each other again before he goes back to raf and when we could and he said not sure tbh. meaning he’s busy. i understand that he’s busy but he doesn’t TRY to make an effort. and then today, i texted him saying, have you changed your mind about us? have you gone off me? cos it doesn’t seem like you want to see me again. and he didn’t reply, so about 6 hours ago, i texted him saying, ‘why are you ignoring me, u didn’t reply. cos i’m right? you don’t want to see me again after you got what you wanted off me, sex? what’s going on? i don’t understand you anymore.’ and he just replied saying, i was busy that’s all, i haven’t done owt wrong, i’m back for a week and i’ve got lots to do.’ and i didn’t reply cos i didn’t know what to say to that, then he texted me half an hour later saying, you ignoring me now? and i put no i just didn’t know what to say.. i put something along the lines of, i understand you’re busy, but you could make a bit more of an effort etc :/ and he still hasn’t replied. i know to you people reading this, this may sound like he’s using me for sex, but i do believe he loves me, but sometimes he’s off with me and i don’t know why. argh, this really gets me down and i cry myself to sleep sometimes. i don’t know what to do. my head says leave him and get over him, but my heart pines for him, pines for the lad i fell in love with and was so sweet til he turned like this.

By: JJ

JJ — Mon, 03 May 2010 19:32:00 +0000

@ Kati

I think men blow hot and cold because its just what they do. Not all of them. its usually just the egotistical EUM; and Narcissist Ass clowns that do. Sounds like you are just in the beginning of a relationship that seems to be going or getting nowhere. If a man wants to move in with you and they want to be with you they’re actions will speak for them…. His actions of saying one thing and doing another pleads the case… He’s just not that into you. He’s only as into you as much as he wants to be. I would quit all the chit chase unless you want to keep going on for years…. and wonder why you’re still stuck at square one. I think all of us women on this site need each others support so just offering mine. Hope it helps.

By: Kati

Kati — Mon, 03 May 2010 19:14:11 +0000

i just got back from a weekend with a guy i’ve been seeing for about eight months. in that time he has promised me a lot, told me i am his world and although it’s been up and down we had kinda talked about moving in once he cleared some room. talk talk talk is all he has done about that and sweet fa more. this weekend he whisked me to scotland, great food, expensive hotel treated me like a queen. then we get back and he blows hot and cold. phew don’t know whether i’m coming or going. he says he really loves me and wants to be with me but i don’t know where the actions are because he seems to do a lot of stuff to make me feel ignored when i’m at his place then he wonders why i get upset. he says he likes to wind people up (other people) but i am wondering if he is getting off on doing this to me too? it seems to be happening more and more as we get further into this relationship. how do i know if he’s just not that into me or is just scared (he had a v bad childhood) and wanting to go slower? i’m in pretty deep maybe i just can’t see the truth cos it hurts x

By: Valley Forge Lady

Valley Forge Lady — Mon, 03 May 2010 03:00:01 +0000

IIf you were to marry this guy….the same acitivity would be emotional abuse. If you treated him this way…..he would probably look for someome else! You are settling for less than you deserve!

By: Kathy

Kathy — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 14:22:08 +0000

Wow…after reading this blog I have no hope for the future. The men I have been involved with in the past have been like this. Total head cases. The games they play are serious and heartbreaking. I have to say one thing, I thought I was alone but i guess not. Good luck to all you ladies..I hope we each find a good one….