Imagine if you stood on the edge of the pavement (sidewalk) on a busy road. Instead of waiting till it is clear, you purposefully step out as a speeding car approaches. It hits you, but you survive. Now imagine doing this repeatedly and surviving. Yes you’d survive but you’d have surface wounds as well as untold damage internally and it would affect you emotionally, no matter how much you think you’d ‘healed’.
Now we all know that it would be beyond ridiculous to literally throw ourselves in harms way repeatedly…so why would we do the relationship equivalent with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns? Why do we as women repeatedly throw ourselves at bad relationships and then wonder why it hurts?
There is no denying the lure of some of these men or how because of your involvement with them, it confuses your logic, but at some point, you have recognised how unhealthy these relationships and these men are, yet you actively seek to be with them.
I’ve felt what I in my mind translated as a gravitational pull to some guys in my past. The logic and reality of who they were and what they had done, said lock my door and batten the hatches instead of going to them, but instead I was caught in a damaging cycle that I at first felt powerless to avoid.
Hope made me want to believe they were different.
Fantasy and the lure of potential that I saw in them, that they were actually incapable of delivering meant that each time the ‘game’ started, I was waaaay down the track thinking about all the things we’d be doing together.
Fear of getting it wrong, of turning my back on them and them actually changing, plus fears of seeing my own actions for what they were, would send me hurtling to the distractions that these men provided.
Lack of self-love meant that rather than having a healthy base in me that would recognise inappropriate situations that would detract from me, I was instead looking for love in all the wrong places and looking for men to feel something about me that I didn’t even feel about myself!
When I found myself reflecting on my relationships a few years back, it suddenly occurred to me that as well as being the only recurring character in my soap opera, I was repeatedly engaging in similar situations that yielded the same result.
This is no different for many other women who experience the same issues.
If you keep going back to the married or attached guy and he remains married or attached, it’s because the situation isn’t changing and he is still married and attached.
If you break No Contact and start texting, emailing, calling, or sleeping with him, only to find that things quickly slip back to the ‘old pattern’, that’s because he hasn’t changed, what he has to offer hasn’t changed, and the relationship is still the same. It’s not the ‘old’ way; it’s the way that your relationship is going to be if you keep putting your hand in the fire and staying there.
If you agree to take him back because he says he’s changed for the umpteenth time, only to find that the house hunting comes to a halt, or the engagement ring never materialises, or he suddenly has a whole load of obstacles that are ‘preventing’ him from following through, it’s because nothing has actually changed…and…he’s full of sh*t.
Ultimately if you have to keep going back and keep hoping, and keep this and keep that, it’s a signal to you that really, the final curtain on your relationship needs to close.
What I do know now after more involvement with assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s than I care to remember and the countless experiences of thousands of readers is this:
You can only dine off hope for so long. I’m all for optimism, but at some point, you need to start living, being, and existing rather than skipping in Neverneverland.
Fantasy and potential is the hallmark of a doomed relationship because you’re never in the present, you’re either stuck in the past remembering how he was for a short time, or betting on potential that doesn’t exist and romanticising a future based on hot air. You need to realise that the man you see in front of you is who the man is.
Fear derails relationships and creates distrust, drama, and a whole host of problems. Whether it’s internal fears that you allow to cloud your judgement or impact on whether you stay in a relationship, or choosing relationships that are negative and that create external fears which exacerbate your internal fears, powering your relationship on fear is damaging. If I had spent more time addressing my internal fears or registering real external behaviour that was inappropriate and doing something about it, how different my past could be…
Don’t underestimate the power of disliking or even hating yourself. By the same token, definitely do not underestimate the power of loving yourself. I know many a woman whose life has changed simply by learning to like and love themselves, which in turn causes them to treat themselves with respect. I am one of them. Yet…there are many women who still hear this and try to shortcut to the species with a penis. They don’t want to spend the time on themselves as they’re impatient and afraid of their own company or the lack of a relationship. When you start taking care of yourself properly, you will feel the change in you, your life, and your relationships. Period.
If you keep repeating the pattern of hoping, betting on potential, being afraid, not loving yourself and putting your already badly burnt hand in the fire with the same men over and over again, you will get the same results.
It is hard to break the cycle, especially when you’re so entrenched in it but what does make it easier is knowing that you are not a person who is helpless to a random set of circumstances or some guy; you’re actually the facilitator to the cycle because if you change your behaviour, the cycle no longer exists.
You are not a victim.
This was the big shock to me was not being able to chalk it up to fate or blame it squarely on them, and the knowledge was too uncomfortable for me to knowingly continue as I was because in knowing what I was willingly doing and welcoming into my life, I had to be accountable for my own misery.
I remember ending up in tears due to the appalling behaviour of one particular Mr Unavailable but realising that the person who I should be angry with was me. If a man has disappointed you 50 times, why can’t he disappoint for the 51st? And even if he bucked the trend for the 51st time and did something decent, does that define him? Should you forget what he has been for 98% of the time. What are you going to do when he disappoints you the next time? Remember that one time, or remind yourself that you have got another fifty bits of evidence.
I have repeatedly said that you must take the focus off him and bring it back to you. Don’t wait for him to change and place the responsibility for your life being different on some chump assclown; use your own resources within and make the changes yourself.
Imagine if you redirected the energy you spent trying to love people that don’t love you, and gave it yourself?
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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I started not even to respond but I feel like I need to. Actually in my opnion he has been honest with me. He told me from week 2 that he doesn’t know if he is capable, that I deserve better, I deserve someone that isn’t wishy washy and can give me what I want. When he has told me he loves me I think he means it but its not that he is in love with me and he loves me as much as he possibly can. I’m by no means taking blame here but I do have to be accoutable for NOT listening to what he has said and NOT wanting to believe it and THINKING that I can change him, love him enough and MAKE him love me the way I want him to. For those things, I am accountable. Of course, I’m tired of the pain, of course I want to do something about it. Before I found this site, read the book I didn’t understand and thought, I just need to love him more, just need to show him, tell him, put him first BUT now I see..that wont get me anywhere. Today is day 1 of NC, one day at a time and today, I tell myself that when he does call/text whatever, I won’t respond or at the very least, turn him down. I’ve looked back and all the other times I got frustrated and wanted to breakup, crying, not being able to eat or sleep or even want to get out of bed, after day 2 or 3 I was begging him back. I don’t have that urge this time. I’m not as emotionally distraut as all the other times and I think its because after finally understanding I know that I can’t change him and I know that he hasn’t changed and he is wishy washy and I do deserve better. With all that being said, its an addiction. (I’m reading How to Break your Addiction to a Person) I’m addicted to the chase and that is what I need to fight. That is what I meant by my earlier post of not knowing because just like a junkie needs a fix, by the end of the week (I have to be honest) I may want my fix. I’m reading, I’m trying to break the addiction and I’m not coming here crying about my situation looking for someone to give me the magic answer. I’m trying to heal and help myself. Can anyone else honestly say that NC is easy or they don’t have their moments when they want to break it or may have even done so? My EUM is a good man, he just doesnt love me the way I want him to and that isn’t his fault. He has been there for me in my worst times. I know if I needed something or even financial help he wouldn’t run, he would give it. And I’m sure as I type that sentence that is going to get me some negative feedback about how he is a bad man but the way I see it is, does not loving me the way I WANT make him bad?…I’m just as EUM is he is. I realize now every relationship I’ve ever had has been like this so unless I change, it will be the same with the next one. Its all on ME.
I am going into my fourth month of no contact and I will back up all those claims that is is just really, really hard and painful at first, and you will have those bad days – even a string of bad days – where you just wonder why you ever got into the situation, why he didn’t love you, why he didn’t fight, etc.
But gradually, if you keep reading this site (and maybe get some counseling), you will stop just reading the words and identifying and it will start to become real. For example, I have re-read the posting about “why her and not me” pretty much each time I hear something new about my ex EUM and his new girlfriend. As I was listening to the lastest (unsolicited) story about him via an acquaintance last night (he’s now “committed to making it work with her” – something he was never going to do with me), I realized that I am really NOT what he wanted, at least not as a girlfriend – and for the first time that actually made me feel GOOD. I realized, and actually felt, how he was more into her because she is more willing to put him before herself that I would ever be, and thank god for that. Unlike me, she is a total mommy-type, and I think that’s all she knows how to do. He is an overgrown emotional baby, looking for a mommy, and he found her (for now, until he gets bored of playing house). They’re quite perfect together, and I hated being compared to her for those very reasons but now I see that I really am not that much like her and I feel good and relieved to have not been forced into that role.
So, what I’m saying is that time and space will help anyone put the pieces back together and you will start really seeing – and most importantly – FEELING the results of all the work and you will see your true self coming back to life. It’s out there, and anyone reading this site is on the right path.
I am going to into month 3-4 of NC, I lost track (good thing for me!!) Anyway, I believe that EUMs know when we are not over them but in a different way. As long as I am thinking about him and what sh*t he did to establish his EU status, he knows instinctively. Like energy attracts like energy. I have been blessed of not running into him or his cohorts and he has to pass by my subdivision to take his daughter to school. I feel that I was given the opportunity to purge his ass out of my system. .
Thanks for the responses to my post. Now, if I can only start putting into action what friends (and total strangers on this site) have been telling me to do, I can move on with my life. I feel relieved at the moment, but I’m sure there will be times when I completely fall apart. It’s part of the healing process and I will try my hardest not to contact him. His thoughts of suicide really did scare me, but he can no longer be my concern if I’m ever going to get on with my life. Thanks again, everyone! Best of Luck!!
I post periodically, but this article really hit home for me. The day after Thanksgiving I finally ended things with my EUM. After three years of broken promises, back and forth and just plain torment to myself, I finally said enough. I feel good, and I’m in the process of moving out to my old place. It has been a trying time, because like Tryingtoleavehim to leave him said, my EUM is the same way. He is a good guy in some respect, but he is definately emotionally unavailable. I’d been reading this website for months and reading everything I could get my hands on. The more I read the more uncomfortable I became in the situation, because I knew that I could not continue on as same, especially after I become aware of what I was doing to myself. I work on trying not to feel hurt by the fact that this guy has almost completely erased me from his mind, even though we’re still sharing living spaces at the moment. (We’re sleeping in seperate rooms till I move out. Which I’m trying to do ASAP!) I normally would have been hurt by the fact that he’s basically already over me, but mostly I feel relieved and a bit ashamed that I stayed for three years with someone who so obviously cared so little about me. My family has been calling me non-stop, (They are on the East coast and I on the West Coast, having moved here with him) to check on me, and for the first time after things ending with an EUM, I feel better. That’s not to say it’s not still tough and I don’t have my moments, but the feeling of being free to finally love myself right and get the things in life that I deserve has been feeling pretty good. I’ve been putting the focus back on me. This site has been such a source of encouragement for me, so has the books and everything else that people recommend. I know now that for the first time in my life I can do what I thought was impossible, and that’s love myself unconditionally and put myself first. I just send out super support to all the ladies and men who come here for support. Thank you all for your words, it has helped me to realize that I’m not crazy. Before I discovered this site, I thought I just was getting the shitty side of life, but thanks to you all, and especially NML I realize that I can fix me and do it in a positive and healthy way.
I just wanted to add to my post what NML has said in the past – NC is SUPER hard at first, not to mention totally painful and scary. I think I lost ten pounds just from being so stressed, wondering what I was going to do with myself. I cried a lot, I didn’t sleep sometimes, I dialed his number sometimes but didn’t hit “send.” I wrote letters that I didn’t mail. I even got weak at times and drove by his house, only to feel like a fool for doing it. The important part, though, was that there has been NO CONTACT, and gradually things got better and better. Yes, I still think about him a lot. There is still some bad times, but not every day/every second like before. To me it was like instead of being afraid to cross the river and trying every which way to get around it, I faced my fear and jumped in, swam over and made it to the other side and got through it even though it was really hard and scary. And to look back, I can see that I’m on the right side of the river now and that I’m strong because I crossed it.
BBP-
I’ve started NC again, and i’ve felt exactly like you did, scared, doing crazy things like dialing and hanging up, etc. I feeli like I’m going nuts sometimes, but I know it will get better eventually. Some of the initial panic has subsided (finally) And I don’t think of him quite so much. I’m actually discovering that i’m not so horrible after all, and just maybe i don’t have to “take what I can get”
Kim, Ask yourself, would he be there for you? Also, doesn’t he have other friends and family he can lean on?
Holly – I promise that it will get better. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you’ll eventually feel better – - and might I add from experience much more normal and less crazy/out of control…
Tryingtoleavehim- this quote from your last post says it all. “He told me from week 2 that he doesn’t know if he is capable, that I deserve better, I deserve someone that isn’t wishy washy and can give me what I want.”
Like you said you’re hearing him but not listening to what he is saying. He told you this in the 2nd week of being with him and you’re still hanging on. If I’ve learned one thing from all my EUM’s it’s this…when they tell you this kind of crap they really mean it. They aren’t going to change their mind, you aren’t going to be able to persuade him otherwise, and you’re not going to be able to love him him more so he’ll get it. He gave it to you straight up in the 2nd week.
Stay NC this isn’t about him anymore. It’s about YOU, what is the best for YOU? And you already know the answer…just stay NC. I’m 3.5 months of NC now it’s getting better every day.
Get comfortable in your own skin, and learn to be happy from the inside out.
Lori G- you are right and I know this now but then I didn’t. I thought I could love him enough and make him see I wasn’t like his ex wife or the girlfriend that left him to go back to her husband. It wasn’t until our last breakup in September and finding this site that I realized the truth BUT the mistake I made was a week after the breakup being sucked back in by the “I miss yous” and “I really do love you I am just trying to figure it out”..after a pretty much miserable Thanksgiving (and I made him miserable to) I see that it wasn’t worth it. Nothing has changed. Like I said before I have implemented NC and am going to give my all to maintain it. I have clothes and things at his house that he can just keep for all I care. Congratulations on your 3.5 months! It sounds amazing and I can’t wait to say I’ve reached that goal!
It is hard to end things when the guy is basically a “good” guy, but the important thing is to keep in mind that he is not “good” for you in the big picture of the relationship. But can I just say that after you are out of the relationship for a while and and have some time and distance to look back objectively, your perspective about them may change a bit, and even if they didn’t cheat or outright lie to you, you might come to see that some of their behavior was taking advantage of your compassionate nature with their mixed messages. And that they were kind of using in the relationship, even if they did things for you and were there for you at times. Tryingleavehim: You are right, it is all on you, but your guy doesn’t sound like such a good guy, even if he was honest about not being able to give you what you deserve from the beginning. You should have listened and ran when he told you, but at the same time, he shouldn’t be engaging in a relationship if he knows he is “wishy washy” and that you “deserve more”. Ugh. You are too compassionate towards this guy, and he is making a fool out of you if you keep going back. I think once you get angry and realize that this is what is actually happening, you will find it easier to break the addiction and stop getting your “fix”. Nikki: Good luck and I hope you can move out fast! It is a great feeling when you come to the realization that life can be better
No, he would not be there for me. He has other friends but I think they tell him to get help and may not tolerate his B/S as much as I have. I really don’t know what he has told others about his situation. He could very well end up becoming the man I created in my mind – but at present, he is not the man for me.
Awesome Post! I have been really reflecting to make sense of why I was attracting such misery into my life which led me to this post. I read a letter my Mother wrote to me saying to “keep my head up high” – because she loves me, although I forgive her she neglected and abandoned me – which I also endured every sense of abuse from Dad – long story. The point being all that stuff I went through caused pain that was stuffed inside and hijacked my true self or at least hid it. I didn’t see who I truly was – or even knew how to love myself. It took bad relationships, self destructive patterns to finally look inside and see, that was the first step and although I take time to heal… it’s definitely been a step in the right direction. To know, like you said that we are responsible for our misery and finding our happiness.
This, like many, is a wonderful post. This website is a labor of love! It is so nice to click on and get instant support, when I’m floundering and making excuses for him, and wanting to submit to that “gravitational pull.”
In response to this post, for so many months..years…I realized my part in the “situation/relationship” with my EUM, and I used that to take the blame from him, and sort of say – like you’ve explained in the e-book – “Well, I must not be ready for a relationship, this must be what I really want, cuz I’m doing it too.” But what I’ve finally (duh!) realized – with your website – is that, regardless of who is responsible, it is HURTING me. And, really, that is absolutely all that matters. I need out.
I don’t want to hurt him, or be a jerk, or childish by cutting off contact with him – HOWEVER, I have absolutely every right to do whatever is necessary to protect myself, and to pursue my own peace, happiness and my best self. Unfortunately, for him, it means he’s out of my life. And I haven’t felt this peaceful and empowered since I met the AC.
Thanks, again, so much NML.
Natalie – question. I would retell my story but it has been retold by so many on your site.
Question I have is what is the internal dialogue that is happening with unavailable men? I saw mine for the first time in four months and am faced with a man riddled with insecurity, fear and loneliness. I was there listening to how he doesn’t want anything with me, but is looking for “the one”. This has been going on for ten plus years – on-off-on-off.
Thanks for any insight you can provide.
R.
i have been reading this site for almost two years. i read every response and all the advice. i still wish i could of had a relationship with this man i do not know why i fell in love with. i feel everyones pain. i am tired of giving my self to a man and not having him. i do not understand how i can give over and over again and not even a tender touch. all your wisdom is wise. but it does not answer the questions in my heart
I saw your comment just as I was heading off to bed. “i still wish i could of had a relationship with this man i do not know why i fell in love with…i am tired of giving my self to a man and not having him. i do not understand how i can give over and over again and not even a tender touch” – that’s why you are struggling. If you have no idea why you are in love with him, it suggests that it is more the idea of him, not the reality. If you don’t know why or are unable to be ‘real’ then you won’t let go because you don’t know what you’re holding on to. You are objectifying him – the misery comes in determining your happiness on possessing something. You cannot and don’t own him. You are ‘loving’ with a demanding IOU – I love you so you must love me back. I want you so you must want me back. I give so you must give back. The lack of response from him says that this is a one way thing and if you persist, you are not only forcing your ‘love’ on him, but you are ignoring how he feels. You don’t give without a relationship to give to. As soon as you start to realise that you are pursuing someone and giving with the idea of eventually extracting something from him, you’ll realise how futile it is and also how it’s removing your dignity. You shouldn’t force your love or yourself on *anyone*. It doesn’t mean you are not worthy of being loved or not a lovable person – it means that they are no interested and that you need to expend your energies elsewhere and remove yourself out of this non existent equation. Your heart is misleading you and in actual fact, it’s not your heart, it’s your ego and the sense of rejection and you are trapped in your feelings and trying to stem the feeling of rejection by continuing to pursue him. Let go. Be real even though it will hurt for a while. You’re better than this. Take care,
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