Imagine if you stood on the edge of the pavement (sidewalk) on a busy road. Instead of waiting till it is clear, you purposefully step out as a speeding car approaches. It hits you, but you survive. Now imagine doing this repeatedly and surviving. Yes you’d survive but you’d have surface wounds as well as untold damage internally and it would affect you emotionally, no matter how much you think you’d ‘healed’.
Now we all know that it would be beyond ridiculous to literally throw ourselves in harms way repeatedly…so why would we do the relationship equivalent with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns? Why do we as women repeatedly throw ourselves at bad relationships and then wonder why it hurts?
There is no denying the lure of some of these men or how because of your involvement with them, it confuses your logic, but at some point, you have recognised how unhealthy these relationships and these men are, yet you actively seek to be with them.
I’ve felt what I in my mind translated as a gravitational pull to some guys in my past. The logic and reality of who they were and what they had done, said lock my door and batten the hatches instead of going to them, but instead I was caught in a damaging cycle that I at first felt powerless to avoid.
Hope made me want to believe they were different.
Fantasy and the lure of potential that I saw in them, that they were actually incapable of delivering meant that each time the ‘game’ started, I was waaaay down the track thinking about all the things we’d be doing together.
Fear of getting it wrong, of turning my back on them and them actually changing, plus fears of seeing my own actions for what they were, would send me hurtling to the distractions that these men provided.
Lack of self-love meant that rather than having a healthy base in me that would recognise inappropriate situations that would detract from me, I was instead looking for love in all the wrong places and looking for men to feel something about me that I didn’t even feel about myself!
When I found myself reflecting on my relationships a few years back, it suddenly occurred to me that as well as being the only recurring character in my soap opera, I was repeatedly engaging in similar situations that yielded the same result.
This is no different for many other women who experience the same issues.
If you keep going back to the married or attached guy and he remains married or attached, it’s because the situation isn’t changing and he is still married and attached.
If you break No Contact and start texting, emailing, calling, or sleeping with him, only to find that things quickly slip back to the ‘old pattern’, that’s because he hasn’t changed, what he has to offer hasn’t changed, and the relationship is still the same. It’s not the ‘old’ way; it’s the way that your relationship is going to be if you keep putting your hand in the fire and staying there.
If you agree to take him back because he says he’s changed for the umpteenth time, only to find that the house hunting comes to a halt, or the engagement ring never materialises, or he suddenly has a whole load of obstacles that are ‘preventing’ him from following through, it’s because nothing has actually changed…and…he’s full of sh*t.
Ultimately if you have to keep going back and keep hoping, and keep this and keep that, it’s a signal to you that really, the final curtain on your relationship needs to close.
What I do know now after more involvement with assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s than I care to remember and the countless experiences of thousands of readers is this:
You can only dine off hope for so long. I’m all for optimism, but at some point, you need to start living, being, and existing rather than skipping in Neverneverland.
Fantasy and potential is the hallmark of a doomed relationship because you’re never in the present, you’re either stuck in the past remembering how he was for a short time, or betting on potential that doesn’t exist and romanticising a future based on hot air. You need to realise that the man you see in front of you is who the man is.
Fear derails relationships and creates distrust, drama, and a whole host of problems. Whether it’s internal fears that you allow to cloud your judgement or impact on whether you stay in a relationship, or choosing relationships that are negative and that create external fears which exacerbate your internal fears, powering your relationship on fear is damaging. If I had spent more time addressing my internal fears or registering real external behaviour that was inappropriate and doing something about it, how different my past could be…
Don’t underestimate the power of disliking or even hating yourself. By the same token, definitely do not underestimate the power of loving yourself. I know many a woman whose life has changed simply by learning to like and love themselves, which in turn causes them to treat themselves with respect. I am one of them. Yet…there are many women who still hear this and try to shortcut to the species with a penis. They don’t want to spend the time on themselves as they’re impatient and afraid of their own company or the lack of a relationship. When you start taking care of yourself properly, you will feel the change in you, your life, and your relationships. Period.
If you keep repeating the pattern of hoping, betting on potential, being afraid, not loving yourself and putting your already badly burnt hand in the fire with the same men over and over again, you will get the same results.
It is hard to break the cycle, especially when you’re so entrenched in it but what does make it easier is knowing that you are not a person who is helpless to a random set of circumstances or some guy; you’re actually the facilitator to the cycle because if you change your behaviour, the cycle no longer exists.
You are not a victim.
This was the big shock to me was not being able to chalk it up to fate or blame it squarely on them, and the knowledge was too uncomfortable for me to knowingly continue as I was because in knowing what I was willingly doing and welcoming into my life, I had to be accountable for my own misery.
I remember ending up in tears due to the appalling behaviour of one particular Mr Unavailable but realising that the person who I should be angry with was me. If a man has disappointed you 50 times, why can’t he disappoint for the 51st? And even if he bucked the trend for the 51st time and did something decent, does that define him? Should you forget what he has been for 98% of the time. What are you going to do when he disappoints you the next time? Remember that one time, or remind yourself that you have got another fifty bits of evidence.
I have repeatedly said that you must take the focus off him and bring it back to you. Don’t wait for him to change and place the responsibility for your life being different on some chump assclown; use your own resources within and make the changes yourself.
Imagine if you redirected the energy you spent trying to love people that don’t love you, and gave it yourself?
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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Natalie, you are on target again!!! I feel I could have written this post myself…I went through the same feelings and self blame. I love your analogy to getting hit by a car again and again. It’s sad how in the past I’ve gone back to the same EUM again and again and again, hoping and wishing he would change. You are totally correct that we need to put the love into ourselves. It’s scary at first, and takes time. We didn’t become who we are overnight and we aren’t going to be a totally different person in a heartbeat either. It is one step at a time. Natalie, I am so grateful for your site and pearls of wisdom. You help me stay on track and keep NC. I find myself checking your site everyday for comments and a new post. Thank you again!!!
Great post Natalie! Very appropriate today for me. Keep up the great advice!
i woke up the other day and realized i’ve been in love with men i can’t have since i was in junior high and that i’ve never been in a relationship – im 27 years old. i think i got it from my mom, who has been obsessed with my dad her whole life even though he’s never loved her. anyway, you’re right, as always. now how do i learn to love myself? no pressure!
Excellent points! I agree in a word that HOPE is the key. The hope that something will or has changed.
hi to everyone. Natalie, you are sooo good! This and all your posts are so encouraging, helpful and insightful that I find myself coming to you like a good friend everyday and checking for a word.
I hope for all of us that we will treat ourselves like we would a very precious, special best friend. Would we want for our daughters, friends what we ourselves seem to be settling for? In my case I know I would not. All my life I’ve been seeking men who I know ultimately will or must reject me because they already belong to someone else. It’s almost like it’s a ”test” to see whether I can ”get” them…Oh, I convince myself it’s love BUT it’s really pain, disappointment and anger that I always seem to end up with. I keep hoping this time it will be different, but you’re exactly right…how can it be? I need to learn to put this love and care into myself.
NML, love this post, especially when you said: You are not the victim.
We can remove ourself from these situations and not wait for him to pull the plug!
Dewdrop…I feel the same way…I think I’ve always fell in love with the men I couldn’t have…and the ones that want me I rejected as if there was something inherently wrong with them. I guess deep down I figured if they were “crazy about me” then there was something wrong with them…now I realize that I have to love and cherish me and I will attract healthier, available, capable of loving – men….
I have read countless self help books, visit this web site a lot and not once has the message changed about loving yourself accepting yourself and having the belief you deserve better..
For a long long time I believed the lie its better to have someone than no one at all…so I accepted bad deals bad situations always playing the victim role but finally the message is getting through I’m not a victim I don’t have to play the role Ive always played .. so heres to change..
I wish all luck on this journey !!!! One day I hope we report back the changes in our lives whether we are single or with someone where we have it together …
What a great post (again !)- I so much like the phrase about “Imagine if you redirected the energy you spent trying to love people that don’t love you, and gave it yourself?”
I’m just starting NC after a painful breakup meeting last week & find this blog so inspirational. Particularly good to think about what I could do / achieve / enjoy when focussing on myself.
Great post. I am struggling with no contact but am getting through it. What I know is that the feeling of discomfort that I am experiencing will lessen and I will be happy I didn’t “step into ongoing traffic” again and get hit by the same bus.
Last night I went out with friends and met a nice guy. Just the act of meeting a nice new person and receiving his “nice to meet you text” is something that I can think about instead of thinking about the fact that I am not engaging in contact with my EUM.
Fact of the matter is that relationships and new friendships take time to develop. And being healthy and staying away from old unhealthy but familiar (and unrealtic, fantasy) “relationships” takes effort.
For me, it’s like an addiction or going on a diet. I know my ex EUM is unhealthy for me. Just like binge eating or drinking. Yet, there is a part of engaging in communication with him that feels so good. Only later, it feels really, really bad.
Could it be that my engaging in communication with my ex EUM is a form of addiction? For instance, if I had issues with emotional eating, and got that under control – is it possible that I replaced that addiction with unhealthy relationships?
I exercise a lot. Sometimes I feel like I am addicted to exercise. That is a healthy type of addiction.
Maybe I need to really work hard at putting my energies in something that is addictive but in a HEALTHY way.
I’m just thinking out loud. Trying to understand why something so bad for me is so hard to give up.
Despite being real with myself and the situation – it’s hard to walk away.
Keep up the great posts. I find strength in reading them. However, it’s still a huge struggle for me.
Ashley,
I can totally relate to what you say about it being an addiction. I’ve thought the same thing myself and I think the pull is that these guys are like a slot machine…we had hope that one day we will hit the jackpot and they would love us the way we want and need to be loved. Only problem is they are never going to be able to…because they are users and only concerned with meeting their own selfish needs. Other problem is they aren’t totally bad men either…I know mine had some wonderful qualities and I was too focused on those. Bottom line is if we were happy with the “facade of a relationship” they were offering, we wouldn’t be on this site. I know for me, I deep down felt I wasn’t worthy of being loved and had so many men in my past (2 short term marriages) and boyfriends that weren’t committed to me…cheated or didn’t love me the way I deserve and this reinforced the subconsious feeling that I somehow was lacking as a woman…maybe not pretty enough, fun enough, good enough. Although I know it’s not true, I am very attractive, smart and have some terrific qualities, it’s a struggle to get past the past!!! It’s something I work on everyday. I went out last night to a speed dating event and none of the men sparked my interest and I did think about my ex-EUM and how I was sooooooo attracted to him, and missed that feeling. The difference now, is after 2 months NC and 3 months of not seeing eachother, I realize I can never, ever go backward. I have to look to the future and know that there will be someone in it who will treat me right and I will find them attractive. It may not be the same crazy pull that I felt toward my ex-EUM, but I have to give mature love a try too. I know now, that no matter how bored or lonely I get, I can never go back to him. It may be fun for an evening or a weekend and then it will be the pain of not getting my needs met and all about him. It’s like Natalie said, how many times am I going to jump in front of the bus?
It is hard, because I do think about him and miss the good times, the sex, the affection and companionship…but at what cost? The price was way too high to my mental health.
So, Ashley, I find something else to do when I feel that pull or want to contact him and get busy doing that. I began a hobby of making jewelry and I go to the gym more too!!! It does get easier…some days are harder than others, but remember…”You become a champion by fighting one more round. When things are tough, you fight one more round.” (James Corbett). This quote always helps me to stay focused. Another one is “The successful person makes a habit of doing what the failing person doesn’t like to do.” (Thomas Edison).
So, no matter how many times we may have made mistakes, gone back to these assclowns, today is a new day to start over. The past is in the past and we have our lives to live today. Believe me, these assclowns are not sitting around crying tears over us…they are on to the next victim, using the next woman who they catch in their web of games.
Ladies…God bless all of you…we can do it together! xxxoooxxxooo
finallyseenthelight – thanks for your wise words. It’s comforting to know that others are fighting the fight and winning too. I was out a little to late last night and am feeling rough – that is a huge factor also.
Anyway, headed to the gym now.
Funny, for a while, I’d read this blog and felt as if I wasn’t wrestling with these demons any longer. Now they are back full force. It’s such a long process. I wish I knew if I was actually making progress .
I suppose, if I am not making contact that there has to be some progress being made. As long as the “no contact” isn’t in hopes of having him come crawling back. Which it isn’t.
Ok, time to leave the site for today and start engaging in society.
Good luck all and thanks for the support!
NML, Another excellent post. I broke NC this weekend (uggh…..disappointed yet again) I needed to read this to get back on track. I am starting to believe that these kinds of relationships are truly an addiction! This is much harder than I initially led myself to believe.
Holly, You need to go back and reads your comments in “Shades of Grey.”
Gaynor-
I went back and re-read. I should have re-read them BEFORE I broke NC. Oh well, time to get back in line.
Ashley, I went to counselling after my EUM and I broke up realizing I was out of control and needed some help. My counsellor and I talked about my abandonment fears and attachment issues and “addiction” is the exact word she used. By the time this person is done with you (even if you leave them) they have sucked the life out of you and as NML has pointed out you are addicted to the drama, and the roller coaster ride.
I have been over one month of no contact with my EUM and it’s good, relaxing, peaceful but BORING. I think we tend to engage in contact with them for the thrill… you are right it’s like some sort of high getting them to pay attention but as you said… then it wears off again.
My counsellor has told me that the addiction is coming from inside, right in the pit of my stomach, if you are someome who has attachment issues as well, it literally is your body crying out for that person to stay, it’s your fear of being alone and abandonned that requires some form of contact. I might be wrong and this does not apply to you, but I certainly can relate to your addiction comments.
Dazedandconfused:
I’m actually considering seeing a counselor. I’m glad I’m not the only person who has for something like this
Holly – I am also in counseling. It’s been so helpful and I recommend it to everyone.
Well, it seems once again, the drama was to much for HIM to handle. The holiday was okay, we had our moments and yesterday was the final straw. The thing is since I’ve been reading this site and my book I know now what I’m doing when I do it. This morning he text “I dont know if anything is okay and I dont’ want to think about it” so I typed him a really long email about how after the last breakup and wanting answers I found this site and how I know now Its not him ITS ME! Seems so weird to be saying that after hearing it from him. I’m almost relieved and I think in a way wanted him to break up with me so I wouldn’t have to do it. Now, its time to start the NC! And I need counseling and lots of it. I have a lot of work to do. I know it.
for all who are just starting the No Contact rule…believe me it’s HELL at the beginning, but trust me, it will get better. In fact, the longer you do NC, the easier it becomes. We are all healing and trying to be better and more loving to ourselves, so you will think about him, you will want to see him, you’ll even fantasize about how could it could have been, if only…but remember, if only never comes for these men. And when you remember all the horrible thngs he did to you and how horrid and worthless he made you feel, the need to call him will lessen. Busy yourself with something else. pick up a hobby, call a girlfriend, go to a movie, get busy with living your life without him. Pretty soon you won’t think abot him anymore and with time, you won’t want him anymore either. Love yourself through this process and be patient withyourself, healing taked time. You have a whole new person to love now…yourself.
I’m talking to myself like I talk to my 3 yr old—-I’m not “allowed” to continue talking to this moron, kind of like my son isn’t “allowed” to do things. Maybe it’s me trying to parent my inner child.
Holly, one of the hallmarks of the EUM relationship – is the isolation. You lose contact with the healthy people that are often all around you, in order to try to make something work with the EUM.
So when you try to break things off – he has become almost the only adult in your life. You no longer have the friendships from growing up and from school, and you are out of practice with keeping friends in your life.
Making friends and meeting new people to establish connections with your community can provide a lot of balance. Avoid the people that the EUM hangs with, you need people of character and compassion. Think more “park” and “chamber of commerce” and “church activity” and flower club and PTA and school board and Housing for Humanity. Or quilting circle or model railroad club or skeet shooting. Volunteer to be a Salvation Army bell-ringer – and get to know everyone you come in contact with.
Don’t let the isolation you learned from your EUM keep you away from your community and friends any longer. And when things start getting frantic – you have someone to talk to, and a community and life that needs you.
I found your site last week, and I have to say that I’m sure this site was written for EXACTLY for me. I read everyone’s posts and need some insight. I’ve known this guy for a long time – we met through my former job. We’ve been “hanging out” for the past several years. I know he has tried to “hook up” with at least one other person that I know of – which probably means there are many more that I don’t know about. Anyway, this past month, he was texting me and talking to me about how much he wanted to kill himself, that his whole life sucked and was a huge disappointment. Well, naturally I wanted to help him as much as possible and he “seemed to” really appreciate my help – at least that is what he kept telling me over and over. Well, this past week we had an argument and in order to “keep the peace” I asked him if he would come to my house and we could talk I would take him to dinner or something. He promised he would come and on the day he was supposed to, he changed his mind. Anyway, from that point, it has reverted back to the same old situation – he needs his space, he won’t answer my text messages, nothing. This time it really hurts, because he knew how very worried I was about his depression and his thoughts about suicide. Now that he won’t respond to ANY of my messages is turning me into some “crazed” person and the worst part of all of this, is that I am totally aware of what I’m doing. How can someone be so appreciative of your help and one argument just completely causes all contact to end. He knows how muchI care, but I don’t know how to handle this situation. I just want him to understand that i didn’t ignore him when he was going thru this, so why is he completely blowing me off? And if he does need his space, is it fair to “wait” to hear from him, if that ever happens. Help, any thoughts?
Brad is right!
I got myself involved in activities that were outside my realm of interest: salsa dancing, meditation, bowling, investment courses etc… Not only was I keeping myself busy but I was also making some wonderful new friends.
You have to get yourself out there ladies!
Kim,
I’m not clear on your involvement with this man???? Have you been seeing one another ?
Yes, we have been seeing one another on and off for the past 5 years
Gaynor, in his world “seeing each other” is referred to as “hanging out”
Brad your post has really surprised me today, and by that I mean that some days I start to doubt my own gut reaction to my EUM… I think I made it all up in my head and then you mention something else that is very common to these relationships and I think “yes exactly.” Today it was isolation… this was a big one for me. I knew it had happened, I lost everyone and sense of myself… but just out of curiosity why is it that isolation is a key characteristic with these men?
I felt he 1) had very few friends or any close relationships at all and 2) it’s part of keeping you in the dark about who he really is. You can say anything about who you are if no one else can back it up.
Thanks for the insight Brad.
Brad is so right…today just as I was typing yet another “goodbye email” to my EUM, I caught myself saying he is my best friend and at that moment I realized NO he is NOT..how can he be my best friend when he can’t even give to me emotionally on any other level. He is just my ONLY friend at the moment because all my other friends are sick to death of my envolvement with him. As a matter of fact, his only true friend has been divorced for 10 years and we have yet to meet a woman that he is seeing. His best friend is so EUM its not even funny. Now, I’ve decided not send the “goodbye” email. Its just another form of my talking and his not listening. He won’t respond anyway.
It’s the “not responding” that is so hard to deal with. I can’t imagine how he would have felt if I didn’t respond to his texts about wanting to kill himself. I wonder if I had replied “give me space” when he said “I seriously want to kill myself” – how he would have reacted. And now I’m sitting here wondering what’s wrong with me that he can’t reply? I read somewhere it may take longer to find your self esteem than a new boyfriend, so priortize accordingly.
Kim,
I think it’s time to get out, for your own sanity. Five years is way too long for “hanging out!” Girlfriend, you’re being used like the rest of us are and were.
I’m sure he has other friends and family that can deal with his drama.
Dazed, they don’t bring you around their friends – if they have any – or hang around your friends because they are afraid that people that are not involved with him figure out what a piece of sh*t he really is and may fill you in.
They don’t have a lot of friends – what “normal” friend wants to used by him?
Kim, they respond when it is convenient for them and they have a need. “Give me space” translates to: go away for now but not too far.
Tryingtoleavehim, you are “killing” me
How many good bye letters are you going to send him? What will that do? For him to know that you are gone? He will understand that when he tries to make contact and you don’t respond.
Dazed,
I think what Brad was saying is that we isolate or push people out of our own lives. We do this by going over and over the endless drama with these fools, resulting in making our friends and family frustrated and crazy. We do it to ourselves!!!!!!!!
We need to take responsibility for our own happiness and stop using these guys as an excuse not to move on with our lives. I think this behavior sounds a bit similar to theirs.
Thanks Astelle. I couldn’t imagine treating someone this way. Not like I’m without my own faults, but I really am tired of being someone’s doormat. It seems these men always finish first.
Astelle that was always my feeling with my EUM and his friends… I could not put my finger on it but I have a big group of friends, many groups actually. We have dinner parties, or I just have a few g/fs that I can hang out with on a Friday night… he had random single people here and there but he never just had a buddy that he would see or talk to regularly or someone who didn’t seem to have a connection for some deal to something… he just struck me as a loner and even told me he felt he didn’t fit in a lot.
Apparently he has many friends from looking at his “MySpace” or “Facebook” internet sites. It’s funny that I’m not listed anywhere on these sites as a friend. It’s hard not to feel anything but pathetic knowing that he couldn’t consider me a friend, but he could “hang out” with me, tell me he loves me and of course, sleep with me. What kind of people do that. I’m afraid that I will NEVER be able to get over this…..
Astelle, you are right, I think its more me trying to explain and one last ditch effort on my part and (as a guy friend of mine just pointed out), a way to see if he will disagree with me. He wont, I just went back and read the last long letter I sent him after our breakup in September and I’ll be damned if I am not saying some of the same things over again. Nothing has changed. We just went back to spending all weekend together and nights that he was in town together but no communication, no real anything..just being with each other in an emotionless space. I text him today before he left town I love you and he didn’t even reply! The only difference in this letter is I’m saying how its me and not him and I understand now why I’ve been fighting so hard and I’m the one with the issues and I’m the one that needs to work on me. But, before sending it I realized that even my telling him how enlightened I have become, it won’t matter. It won’t change a damn thing and why should he even have the benefit of knowing?
KIm,
You will absolutely get over this in time. The more time you are away from him the easier it gets. It’s also a good time for self-reflection and discovering why we allow or allowed ourselves to be in these types of dysfunctional relationships.
Tryingtoleavehim, by saying how it is you and not him sounds like you are taking all the blame and he is off the hook. He is not off the hook and will spend time with you, when he is in town, as long as he will or you let him.
Don’t think for a minute that he will think you have become enlightened, he did not respond to your I love you, because he doesn’t and is just waiting until you calm down and get of his back.You are the only one that can stop this madness.
Kim, yes you will get over this, I promise, the more time of no contact goes by you will feel better and see things for what they are really are, been there believe me.
Would it be fair to say that the attraction to an EUM maybe related to family ties. In my case as I look at my family and myself, I can see EU abound. This was my training ground to accept EUMs and the bad behavior and then the task of convincing them that I was a good catch while thinking all along that they were good for me and on more than one occassion my best friend. Even when they were treating me badly but I stuck it out. I was basically “on call” with my family, they blow hot and cold constantly. Sometimes I am the best and other times in a blink of an eye, I am the worst and mostly for living my life and not doing as they want me to do. I am ignored and alot of times I felt that I owed all of them something for just living. I sabotaged myself constantly with my career and life in general just so they would not feel that I was better. Thank goodness for a 1000 mile distance. I have given myself permission to live the life that I was given and to become emotionally available and love myself first and far most. I have not had real friends and have lead a lonely life complete with EUM.
Thank you NML for your website, I have learned alot by coming here and reading the articles and posts from others like myself.
Astelle, I see your point but by no means was I taking all the blame. Acutally I was pointing out as well in the unsent email that the only thing that has changed since the last breakup is my realizing that I have been trying to make him love me for validation. I know it doesn’t make sense but in some way I want him to know that I have awoke from that crazy fog of dreamland and that I know that I can’t make him or anyone for that matter love me. It may seem stupid I know, and I know that he couldn’t give a rats ass about what I’ve come to know or don’t know and in a few days apart or a week, whenever he comes home, gets lonely he will text, call wanting to see me and the cycle will start again. The only thing is this time, I’m not doing the begging, I’m not pleading for forgiveness for the things I’ve said or anger I showed, I’m not saying anything at all and that should be a shock to him or hell, may be a relief I don’t know. I just know that from this site and posts from others I’m not alone. Thank God, I’m not alone and it has helped me to see what my issues are. If I can’t love myself, how can I honestly love someone else?
Tryingtoleavehom, what are you saying, are you waiting for him to do the begging? Are you still planning on seing him??
Tryingtoleavehim: The best way to let him know that you have awoke from the fog is from your ACTIONS. You do not need to tell him all this about what you have come to realize about yourself, and he will not understand anyway, or even probably care. Just walk away.
I kept telling myself I was setting a date of January 1. Well, why wait but I have to be honest here, I can’t lie..I don’t know what I will do. Part of me wants to ignore him or tell him no when he does come around but honestly, I don’t know if I can. Its pretty pathetic isn’t it?
Isabella-
I also come from a family of EU people. Your story sounds SO much like mine. It’s great knowing that I’m not alone in the world, feeling this way. Ladies, I have a theme song for all of our EUM’s- – Katy Perry’s “Hot n Cold”…
Tryingtoleavehim, I don’t understand then why you waste your time to cry about your situation? Did you expect we would have a magic cure for him? I understand venting and getting support, but you are not ready to make a change for yourself. Good luck!
Astelle, Wow! Thank you for your brutal honesty…NO, I’ve never come here looking for the magic cure. You asked and I answered honestly..and thank you for your support. It must have been alot easier for you. Maybe your EUM was a cheat and a liar, none of which mine is…. I’m sure there are others like me that are reading and not ready to act…
Trying,
Maybe he isn’t a cheat but he certainly is a liar!
Every time he told you he would change that was a lie, and I’m sure the list goes on and on. So now, b/c he wasn’t a cheat it makes him a better EUM?? C’mon. Either you want the pain and the nonsense to end or you don’t. Time to make up your mind!
I’m only on day 10 of no contact and half the time my mind is thinking of different ways to see him etc. but thankfully I have a small voice inside saying you deserve better, don’t you want better? And aren’t you just sick and tierd of chasing… and I think yes I do deserve better and yes I’m tierd of chasing and the moments of madness pass.. I’m so glad I broke my bad habit of texting makes things easier…
If you look closely Tryingtoleavehim he is a liar… or full of contradictions =liar … good luck on your journey ..
Im so glad people said this gets easier phew keeps me going …
I have been reading this website for awhile and all of you women are so wonderful and within every story i see traces of myself or pieces of the behavior of my xmm and xeum. I went straight from one to another, burnt from the xmm but thought i could be stronger than i was. Turns out I was l thrown under a 16 wheeler and am still struggling everyday to find myself and stop with these destructive habits. I have never had a healthy relationship.
It has become so inherent that my advisor at my graduate school is working with me on a new thesis topic: good girls and bad boys: the attraction and possible pathways to deviant behavior. I still have to decide how to define a bad boy, but i think many of you will understand why this topic has become so encompassing for me, even if it does not lead to deviant behavior on your part. I am wondering what you all think.
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