Comments on: Why do we throw ourselves at bad relationships and then wonder why it hurts?

By: NML

NML — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 00:23:17 +0000

I saw your comment just as I was heading off to bed. “i still wish i could of had a relationship with this man i do not know why i fell in love with…i am tired of giving my self to a man and not having him. i do not understand how i can give over and over again and not even a tender touch” – that’s why you are struggling. If you have no idea why you are in love with him, it suggests that it is more the idea of him, not the reality. If you don’t know why or are unable to be ‘real’ then you won’t let go because you don’t know what you’re holding on to. You are objectifying him – the misery comes in determining your happiness on possessing something. You cannot and don’t own him. You are ‘loving’ with a demanding IOU – I love you so you must love me back. I want you so you must want me back. I give so you must give back. The lack of response from him says that this is a one way thing and if you persist, you are not only forcing your ‘love’ on him, but you are ignoring how he feels. You don’t give without a relationship to give to. As soon as you start to realise that you are pursuing someone and giving with the idea of eventually extracting something from him, you’ll realise how futile it is and also how it’s removing your dignity. You shouldn’t force your love or yourself on *anyone*. It doesn’t mean you are not worthy of being loved or not a lovable person – it means that they are no interested and that you need to expend your energies elsewhere and remove yourself out of this non existent equation. Your heart is misleading you and in actual fact, it’s not your heart, it’s your ego and the sense of rejection and you are trapped in your feelings and trying to stem the feeling of rejection by continuing to pursue him. Let go. Be real even though it will hurt for a while. You’re better than this. Take care,

By: jackie

jackie — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 00:11:12 +0000

i have been reading this site for almost two years. i read every response and all the advice. i still wish i could of had a relationship with this man i do not know why i fell in love with. i feel everyones pain. i am tired of giving my self to a man and not having him. i do not understand how i can give over and over again and not even a tender touch. all your wisdom is wise. but it does not answer the questions in my heart

By: RIley

RIley — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 16:34:25 +0000

Natalie – question. I would retell my story but it has been retold by so many on your site.

Question I have is what is the internal dialogue that is happening with unavailable men? I saw mine for the first time in four months and am faced with a man riddled with insecurity, fear and loneliness. I was there listening to how he doesn’t want anything with me, but is looking for “the one”. This has been going on for ten plus years – on-off-on-off.

Thanks for any insight you can provide.

By: PlanetJane

PlanetJane — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 20:10:05 +0000

This, like many, is a wonderful post. This website is a labor of love! It is so nice to click on and get instant support, when I’m floundering and making excuses for him, and wanting to submit to that “gravitational pull.”

In response to this post, for so many months..years…I realized my part in the “situation/relationship” with my EUM, and I used that to take the blame from him, and sort of say – like you’ve explained in the e-book – “Well, I must not be ready for a relationship, this must be what I really want, cuz I’m doing it too.” But what I’ve finally (duh!) realized – with your website – is that, regardless of who is responsible, it is HURTING me. And, really, that is absolutely all that matters. I need out.

I don’t want to hurt him, or be a jerk, or childish by cutting off contact with him – HOWEVER, I have absolutely every right to do whatever is necessary to protect myself, and to pursue my own peace, happiness and my best self. Unfortunately, for him, it means he’s out of my life. And I haven’t felt this peaceful and empowered since I met the AC.

Thanks, again, so much NML.

By: Rose

Rose — Tue, 12 May 2009 09:04:02 +0000

Awesome Post! I have been really reflecting to make sense of why I was attracting such misery into my life which led me to this post. I read a letter my Mother wrote to me saying to “keep my head up high” – because she loves me, although I forgive her she neglected and abandoned me – which I also endured every sense of abuse from Dad – long story. The point being all that stuff I went through caused pain that was stuffed inside and hijacked my true self or at least hid it. I didn’t see who I truly was – or even knew how to love myself. It took bad relationships, self destructive patterns to finally look inside and see, that was the first step and although I take time to heal… it’s definitely been a step in the right direction. To know, like you said that we are responsible for our misery and finding our happiness.

By: Kim

Kim — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 20:42:55 +0000

No, he would not be there for me. He has other friends but I think they tell him to get help and may not tolerate his B/S as much as I have. I really don’t know what he has told others about his situation. He could very well end up becoming the man I created in my mind – but at present, he is not the man for me.

By: Carm

Carm — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 20:33:55 +0000

It is hard to end things when the guy is basically a “good” guy, but the important thing is to keep in mind that he is not “good” for you in the big picture of the relationship. But can I just say that after you are out of the relationship for a while and and have some time and distance to look back objectively, your perspective about them may change a bit, and even if they didn’t cheat or outright lie to you, you might come to see that some of their behavior was taking advantage of your compassionate nature with their mixed messages. And that they were kind of using in the relationship, even if they did things for you and were there for you at times. Tryingleavehim: You are right, it is all on you, but your guy doesn’t sound like such a good guy, even if he was honest about not being able to give you what you deserve from the beginning. You should have listened and ran when he told you, but at the same time, he shouldn’t be engaging in a relationship if he knows he is “wishy washy” and that you “deserve more”. Ugh. You are too compassionate towards this guy, and he is making a fool out of you if you keep going back. I think once you get angry and realize that this is what is actually happening, you will find it easier to break the addiction and stop getting your “fix”. Nikki: Good luck and I hope you can move out fast! It is a great feeling when you come to the realization that life can be better

By: Tryingtoleavehim

Tryingtoleavehim — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 20:26:31 +0000

Lori G- you are right and I know this now but then I didn’t. I thought I could love him enough and make him see I wasn’t like his ex wife or the girlfriend that left him to go back to her husband. It wasn’t until our last breakup in September and finding this site that I realized the truth BUT the mistake I made was a week after the breakup being sucked back in by the “I miss yous” and “I really do love you I am just trying to figure it out”..after a pretty much miserable Thanksgiving (and I made him miserable to) I see that it wasn’t worth it. Nothing has changed. Like I said before I have implemented NC and am going to give my all to maintain it. I have clothes and things at his house that he can just keep for all I care. Congratulations on your 3.5 months! It sounds amazing and I can’t wait to say I’ve reached that goal!

By: Lori G

Lori G — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 20:16:39 +0000

Tryingtoleavehim- this quote from your last post says it all. “He told me from week 2 that he doesnâ€™t know if he is capable, that I deserve better, I deserve someone that isnâ€™t wishy washy and can give me what I want.”

Like you said you’re hearing him but not listening to what he is saying. He told you this in the 2nd week of being with him and you’re still hanging on. If I’ve learned one thing from all my EUM’s it’s this…when they tell you this kind of crap they really mean it. They aren’t going to change their mind, you aren’t going to be able to persuade him otherwise, and you’re not going to be able to love him him more so he’ll get it. He gave it to you straight up in the 2nd week.

Stay NC this isn’t about him anymore. It’s about YOU, what is the best for YOU? And you already know the answer…just stay NC. I’m 3.5 months of NC now it’s getting better every day.

Get comfortable in your own skin, and learn to be happy from the inside out.

By: BBP

BBP — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 18:46:45 +0000

Holly – I promise that it will get better. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you’ll eventually feel better – - and might I add from experience much more normal and less crazy/out of control…

By: Gaynor

Gaynor — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 17:34:34 +0000

Kim, Ask yourself, would he be there for you? Also, doesn’t he have other friends and family he can lean on?

By: Holly

Holly — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 17:30:15 +0000

BBP-
I’ve started NC again, and i’ve felt exactly like you did, scared, doing crazy things like dialing and hanging up, etc. I feeli like I’m going nuts sometimes, but I know it will get better eventually. Some of the initial panic has subsided (finally) And I don’t think of him quite so much. I’m actually discovering that i’m not so horrible after all, and just maybe i don’t have to “take what I can get”

By: BBP

BBP — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 17:24:16 +0000

I just wanted to add to my post what NML has said in the past – NC is SUPER hard at first, not to mention totally painful and scary. I think I lost ten pounds just from being so stressed, wondering what I was going to do with myself. I cried a lot, I didn’t sleep sometimes, I dialed his number sometimes but didn’t hit “send.” I wrote letters that I didn’t mail. I even got weak at times and drove by his house, only to feel like a fool for doing it. The important part, though, was that there has been NO CONTACT, and gradually things got better and better. Yes, I still think about him a lot. There is still some bad times, but not every day/every second like before. To me it was like instead of being afraid to cross the river and trying every which way to get around it, I faced my fear and jumped in, swam over and made it to the other side and got through it even though it was really hard and scary. And to look back, I can see that I’m on the right side of the river now and that I’m strong because I crossed it.

By: Nikki

Nikki — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 16:52:02 +0000

I post periodically, but this article really hit home for me. The day after Thanksgiving I finally ended things with my EUM. After three years of broken promises, back and forth and just plain torment to myself, I finally said enough. I feel good, and I’m in the process of moving out to my old place. It has been a trying time, because like Tryingtoleavehim to leave him said, my EUM is the same way. He is a good guy in some respect, but he is definately emotionally unavailable. I’d been reading this website for months and reading everything I could get my hands on. The more I read the more uncomfortable I became in the situation, because I knew that I could not continue on as same, especially after I become aware of what I was doing to myself. I work on trying not to feel hurt by the fact that this guy has almost completely erased me from his mind, even though we’re still sharing living spaces at the moment. (We’re sleeping in seperate rooms till I move out. Which I’m trying to do ASAP!) I normally would have been hurt by the fact that he’s basically already over me, but mostly I feel relieved and a bit ashamed that I stayed for three years with someone who so obviously cared so little about me. My family has been calling me non-stop, (They are on the East coast and I on the West Coast, having moved here with him) to check on me, and for the first time after things ending with an EUM, I feel better. That’s not to say it’s not still tough and I don’t have my moments, but the feeling of being free to finally love myself right and get the things in life that I deserve has been feeling pretty good. I’ve been putting the focus back on me. This site has been such a source of encouragement for me, so has the books and everything else that people recommend. I know now that for the first time in my life I can do what I thought was impossible, and that’s love myself unconditionally and put myself first. I just send out super support to all the ladies and men who come here for support. Thank you all for your words, it has helped me to realize that I’m not crazy. Before I discovered this site, I thought I just was getting the shitty side of life, but thanks to you all, and especially NML I realize that I can fix me and do it in a positive and healthy way.

By: Kim

Kim — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 16:28:09 +0000

Thanks for the responses to my post. Now, if I can only start putting into action what friends (and total strangers on this site) have been telling me to do, I can move on with my life. I feel relieved at the moment, but I’m sure there will be times when I completely fall apart. It’s part of the healing process and I will try my hardest not to contact him. His thoughts of suicide really did scare me, but he can no longer be my concern if I’m ever going to get on with my life. Thanks again, everyone! Best of Luck!!