If you invite me to your party this Friday and I decline the invitation, at what point have I made a value judgment about you? I explore the possible reasons why I may have declined in a new video Just Because They’re Not Interested, It Doesn’t Mean You’re Not Worthy to highlight how the reasons why someone does or doesn’t opt into something are about their reasons, not about confirming how you feel about you.
I listened to a guy fuming last year as he questioned what he’d done to “deserve” being turned down for a date. The thing is, he didn’t do anything and it’s not a question of rejection being for people who ‘deserve it’; she just didn’t want to go on a date. That’s it. She didn’t owe him a date because he asked and she wasn’t meting out some punishment on behalf of the universe.
If like him you’ve been plunged into a What’s Wrong With Me? / Why Wasn’t I Good Enough? Funk, it’s you doing a lot of the rejecting by taking it to the nth degree and interpreting their NO as a value judgment, when really, not only hasn’t it got a damn thing to do with your worth, but you know what I’m going to say next… they’re just not that special. I get it that you’re interested in them but who the hell is this person that they have the power to make value judgments about you? But they don’t have the power; you do.
If you take non-reciprocation to heart, it’s time to ask how much judging you are doing?
When you’re not interested, are you marking people’s cards and putting a black mark into the dating universe? Are you crunching all of the data that you hold (which may not even be very much) and judging him/her as “unworthy”? Unworthy of what? Your interest? Sure, but you’re one person in a planet of near 7 billion people – if you’re not interested, odds are that someone else will be interested… as long as that person doesn’t let their whole life go down the pan over your lack of interest and decide that your interest was far more valuable because you didn’t reciprocate because this has a knock-on effect with far reaching consequences because it means that perspective will be greatly affected, which means their choices will be affected.
When we don’t take ‘knock-backs’ very well, our vision can get a bit blurry. It becomes “This person has to be interested in me because I don’t take rejection well”, which isn’t a good basis for your interest, never mind theirs.
Are you attracted to people based on value judgments you’re making about them? If so, what are these based on? Why is this person so valuable and if you said the reasons out loud, would you either sound like a worshipper or like you’ve been smoking crack? If you don’t make these value judgments about others, why are you double standard-ing yourself?
In order to feel interested in someone, do you judge everyone else to ‘up their value’? Yeah… probably not. That would be a lot of judgment going on in your life.
If you’re judging you because your interest wasn’t reciprocated, why are you judging you so harshly?
Ultimately you’re not in their head so it’s you playing judge, juror and prosecutor, which are roles that you don’t have to play. If you’re making them more valuable in your mind and life because they’re not interested, that’s like saying “People who aren’t interested in me are more worthy” and that’s just setting you up for a trap of only being interested in people where you practically have to break your doormat covered back in order to be with them. Let me say it again: they’re just not that special.
And it’s not to devalue interest but it’s just interest and we do have a habit of overvaluing our interest in people and building sandcastles in the sky and then feeling let down by our hopes and expectations. It’s understandable to feel disappointed but if you’re excessively disappointed, you were setting you up for a fall by gambling too much of your self-esteem on the outcome. Check out the video here.
Your thoughts?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Also, does anybody know how much work we have to do before we feel good enough? Because I’m tired.
Hi Peanut – sorry I misread your question when I posted on your last comment.
How much work to feel good enough? It’s a tricky business because you are already good enough…the work is about finding a way to see and truly understand that. Take a little breather if you’re tired…that’s allowed
Many a time I’ve gotten sick of all this ‘work’ and had a massive sleep fest. It’s a tiring business but does get better…be kind to yourself and then carry on!
Lochy, for some reason I can’t see any previous comments other than my last. I am seeing self esteem is a process and that I don’t get to have just one cry and then get to be all better forever. It takes time sometimes. Maybe all the time? Not sure.
Peanut,
I feel like after 10 years of one-on-one therapy that didn’t much work, it has taken 5 years of work on the right things to get where I am, and two of those are BR years that have perhaps been the most important. And as those who know me from BR can tell, I still have some hard-core self-loathing episodes, but these are less and less frequent and my confidence more and more the “normal” zone.
Depression and self-doubt used to be my normal, with only glimpses of positivity or fantasy/dreaminess. Now I feel that confidence and a kind of boring steadiness (thank god) are my normal and that the down episodes are my “out-of-balance.”
You will feel tired. And if you’re like me, you may feel super angry and jealous as you begin to understand what self-confidence is and realize why you haven’t had it and how it may have been taken from you or crushed in you, and how others have perhaps been lucky and have had self-esteem. You may resent having to work for what others have not had to work for.
But it is WORTH it. And only you can give you what you deserve. You don’t have to suddenly wake up one day feeling good enough, you just have to make sure that each day involves one or two moments of doing something that helps you feel good about yourself, and the more you do it, the better you’ll feel.
And soon you won’t feel tired at the thought of improving self-esteem anymore. You’ll have it.
Magnolia,
I figured it out. I checked up on the ex’s ex on facebook because I was avoiding some deep pain. After work, I had to pull over because I was hysterically crying over my mom’s suicide some years back. I’ve blamed myself.
I loved your comment. I’ve often felt how you used to feel, where my norm is the depression and self-doubt, whilst every now and then I get glimpses of happiness. I’ve been working on myself a lot this year and I feel pretty positive about 70% of the time now. I also used to go for therapy, and it helped a bit, but most of the help came through blogs like this one.
Peanut… You ARE good enough… Just as you are… bless you!
Awh, thanks anna
I invited 17 people from work to my 40th birthday and only 1 is coming! How can I not take that personally????I am trying not to but it’s very hard!
Work friendships are different. Lots of people don’t want to socialise outside working hours or have other commitments.
Maybe a lunchtime would be better if you still feel like arranging something?
Nicola, have you ever been invited to something and not gone??? I have and if wasn’t because of the person. Most times people don’t want to be bothered or they are tired or they don’t like the other people that are invited or they have a fear of people or social phobias or _____, fill in your own. My sister threw a 40th birthday party years ago for her husband and invited his college buddies. None of them came. It’s not an indication of your worth, it’s an indication of their character.
In my case, I didn’t go because i didn’t know 95% of the people who were going to be there.
Nicola,
Truth is I would take it personally too. Because, quite frankly shit like that hurts. A lot. But, that said, it isn’t intertwined with your worth as a human being. The equation rejection=less human worth, does not uphold.
And, yes, work people are different. I was crushed when I realized no one at work gave two shits about my music or art career. I mean they really could care less. And it really stung when I realized my boss couldn’t be more annoyed with my personal life creeping up at work. HA! Quite literally, as the unavailable ex came to see me at work once and indeed acted like a real creeper. Onwards I know this stuff is tough and man to I feel for you. Hugs….and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Natalie,
I just stumbled across your site because I Googled “how to keep busy to avoid contacting your ex” (pathetic, I know) and in short, you’ve saved the day for me. Possibly my future also. Your posts are brilliant. Your advice is so truthful and makes so much sense, I found myself wondering how these things haven’t registered in my mind already. It’s only been about 2 weeks since my ex and I ended things and I moved out of our place so it hasn’t been easy, but reading some of your posts have made me realize a few very important things that have already helped me to feel like my old, independent self again – but even better. I just want to extend a genuine thanks to you for doing what you do. It gives hope and light to those out there who are feeling lost. You’re great. Can’t wait to get into your books!
Haha you’re not pathetic. It’s taking me every bit of self control to not contact my ex, especially since my anger has subsided.
not being about judging seems to contradict with they’re not that special emphasis… I like to think everybody’s special in their own way… even a’holes:))… just try not to waste time on self absorbed peeps… spot them coming and don’t make a date with one… or at least, once you realise, get out as soon as poss…
it’s amazing how things come into your life, just as you need them. I came upon this fantastic site just at the right time, and it has helped me from coming too involved in an emotionally unavailable male.
I tried to do the no contact thing after we ended our brief but intense thing. It didn’t work out very well as I am terrible at sticking to my decisions, and I really did want him as a friend in my life. He treats me so well as a friend but horribly when we were hooking up. Usually I would turn this all into ‘why am I not good enough” & ‘what’s wrong with me’ & “i’m clearly a fat, ugly, pathetic, eternally single fool’ but this time around, thanks to the regular, insightful blog posts, I have been able to get to a place where I realise that it’s not all about me.
I take responsibility for my actions but I recognise what is his stuff, as separate from me. I really do love the guy but now as a friend. I see that he does not have the qualities I want in a boyfriend and that I dissolve my boundaries when I meet a guy, due to my huge fear of rejection & abandonment.
I am working through those fears in therapy and I realise that I do not need to keep allowing these fears to have such a huge hold on me, in most aspects of my life.
It’s really hard, and sometimes it’s lonely and I feel like giving up, but I have to say, that by deciding to put me first and look after my own needs and keep with my own values, I am learning to believe that I am good enough as I am, that I deserve to be loved, that I already am loved and that I have to tend to my own needs first before I can really let anyone in.
I can be hurt by others, and by myself, but I choose to suffer in situations. And at the moment, I choose not to suffer but to learn from these situations,and to give myself the compassion that I give wholeheartedly to others. In short, I choose to love myself in the way that I have always wanted a man to love me, accepting my flaws alongside cherishing my lovely qualities.
I have to say thank you for this piece. Today was tough. I thought I would have kicked this feeling yesterday. I went to my priest today and then I went to the psychologist today who told me that yep, I may need to try the meds. I appreciate the post because I have been contemplating revenge. I fully agree that when we don’t take ‘knock-backs’ very well, our vision can get a bit blurry. YES! It does become “This person has to be interested in me because I don’t take rejection well.” Perhaps because I have never been rejected before..
I realized that I was attracted to the AC based on valued judgments I was making about him. This was purely and shamefully based on him being white (nothing wrong with him being white but I was shamefully objectifying him based on color and I was curious) and he is accomplished. Now that I have said the reason aloud, I do feel like a worshipper AND like I have been smoking crack. I realize that I didn’t really know this guy. Come to think of it, he didn’t invest any time in getting to know me. He offered a lot of future faking and here I am loosing my mind over him. Really!? Was I really rejected? Nope, The issue is not in any perceived inadequacies on my part. I shouldn’t even be concerned with his reasons. I have however learned that I am bot ready to date. I’m going to take a break from dating and work on my self esteem. I’m going to read every single post and read Nat’s books. This combined with counseling, I figure I’ll be good and ready for a relationship in 2 years.
Good Lord Grizelda, you are great! Rejection from someone who gives all the signs of being interested have hurt me the most. When the excitement and butterflies are replaced with a gnawing sense of dread, and then realizing if I dont make first contact, there’s nothing…well, it just stings. I go NC because I can’t bear to get a short reply, even if it’s happy and filled with exclamation points. That’s just a shitty game some guys play. What Ive learned from BR is to cut my losses WAY sooner than I used to do. I don’t think of it as something I’ve done wrong anymore, because I know that’s not true. Grizelda is right, they don’t usually go on to something better, they just go on and do the same thing with someone else. My mom says, “these are character flaws in them, not you.” It’s not that I fault them for not wanting to date me, it’s the whole way they operate that gets me. Just be honest and say if you are already seeing someone. He tells me he has an “other” but not a “significant other”—what a lucky gal! Those words are to what..? give me hope? No thanks, I never want to be someone’s (insignificant) other! 2013 is still young, wishing you all the best in it!?
I had somthing hapen recently . I was away with friends and one of them a lovely lady ( strong) said that one of the blokes in our social circle thought i was a man hater . Ive been seperated two years and not dated in our social circle . Arsehole was from diff one . I said ” that old chestnut im either a man hater or gay then” and it wound me up . Because i choose not to date or except any old offer . I said i bet i can imagine them discussing it ” old tired man hater wouldnt go out with me . I have turned down one or two because of theur big red flags . Ones a mean drunk the other a control freak , the rest knicker sniffers . We then went to a do were one ac said wheres your friend , my best friend who was awY . He said ” oh theres a rumour you two are Man haters .Maybe because im stronger or just angry at mo the old me would have laughed it off , but i thought you wouldnt speak to any one eles like that so i said ” are you surprised with whats on offer in our social circle ?” . My friend said i was being to pricklly i said no some people can show me sum respect . I said this is the ac that chased you and did the dirties and then said its our little secret . He then later tried to be all pally . I turned to my friend and said see ? . You sleep abouut id be a slag , i dont and im a manhater etc . Id like to say not all in my social circle are like that just a few its a vast circle of good people .
I did then wonder if i came across that way? I felt i couldnt win , i remember once putting up some pics of gerard butler ony mates fb wall for a laugh and a bloke in my club said ” oh for hod sake someone find tired a bloke shes desperate ” my friend told him off and removed comment . Made me feel like a right deseperate person over two pics . I was to scared to post anything after that . Now i dont give a flying f**k . It really doesnt pay to be a people pleaser .
Tired, that whole thing with the guy and the ‘man hater’ crap, is just that, crap. He hates women, that’s what his statement is about, he did the dirty on your friend, you won’t let him do it to you, so he’ll try another angle. I would stay away from that cockroach and dismiss anything he has to say, and good for you with your accurate retort of ‘can you blame me with what’s on offer’. These asses don’t like strong women, so they are trying to cut you down. They are toxic and to be avoided where possible, if you can’t avoid, keep up the good work with throwing it back in their face, if they can’t win, they will eventually sulk off. Oh, and for the woman who repeated their crap to you, be wary, why would she tell you this unless she herself wanted to get a rise, or was stupid enough to believe that information was worthy of passing on…I’d review this social circle and it’s value to you.
I agree on the aloof thing . I used to be very aloof and it prob did save me from ac . I dropped it and got caught . Maybe its finding a happy medium ? Aloof but friendly ?
Aloof but friendly? I´m trying to imagine what that would be like. Nicole Kidman springs to mind.
Yes thats a good choice . Being aloof is not a bad thing but it can make you unaproachable. I think its a matter if cool but friendly with ac alert or random nutter magnet as my friend says on high radar lol
I think I’ve been aloof in self protection. Unfortunately it works against in so many other ways. The BR education I’ve been getting should remedy this. I’m looking forward to being more open and friendly and weeding out the bad eggs as I find them and I know that will give me a better chance at finding a decent guy. The way I’ve been doing things certainly hasn’t worked, time to try something new
At the very least I’ll be leading a happier life regardless of whether I find someone to share it with or not.
Peanut
Dont , dont , dont compare yourself . Its pointless and you will just tie yourself up in knots . It is true they dontmove on to somthing better just someone eles . I tied myself up in knots and felt crap . Its not changed one thing. Im just finding out who i am again its a start to feel comfatable in youre own skin . You should to . I never did or got yhe chance to . Now i am . I heard through grapevine that the ex mm who went with ow is still miserable in his day job . Hes still stuck there . And it made me smile because i realised he changed the people around him and hes still not happy . Its because hes got to change himself and that will never happen . That made me double realise its him not me ! Right im off to bed as i woke up with night sweats and thats another thing about me i got to sort out . Be you and be happy
Tired,
“It is true they dontmove on to somthing better just someone eles.” Ahhh, yes, he moved on so quickly bad to her, I had to question was the real motive her or just a warm body to get him over the pain I had to experience alone. The way he talked about her to me (red flag) was as if he didn’t even like her. Weird. I need to focus on me. I have this obsession with comparing myself to other females. I don’t know how to stop, other than I guess, just stop. Haha. I get hot flashes and I’m in my twenties! It’s all the sugar and wheat I eat
So, I am now 15 days into NC. To be honest, I have surprised myself at not contacting him. I honestly think he is surprised, too. He tried to get my attention again yesterday via social media, but I did not respond. I must say I find myself wondering what he’s up to or if he misses me, but then I remember the crap he’s done and that I need to be focusing on ME and not him.
I have been working on building my self-esteem during this time that I’ve been NC by cutting ties with other people in my life that are toxic to me — including some family members. I am now surrounding myself with POSITIVE, AFFIRMING people who see and remind me of my worth when I’m not seeing/feeling it. Not that they’re kissing my ass constantly or anything, more like just being good, supportive friends. Being what FRIENDS should be. (I hope that made sense). Anyway, it’s really helping me, and I thought I’d share this in case anyone else is looking for ideas on how to start “knowing their worth.”
So proud of you McKenzie You are on your way
Beth & Tinkerbell — thanks for the support. I’ve still got a lot of work to do, but so far so good.
Lovely video Natalie. I wished I had watched it this weekend. It would have really helped me in a recent situation I’ve had.
McKenzie. Good for you. Surrounding yourself with healthy friendships and POSITIVE people helps a lot to bolster up your self esteem. Kick out the naysayers, sour pusses and jealous, mean characters that could not care less about you. You’re on your way. Good luck and Godspeed.
I don’t know if this makes sense but I am taking this to a whole new level by interpreting the fact that I am certain my options for a post separation relationship (I am an older woman and I know that men my age are either losers or “prefer” to be with women 10-15 years younger) are miserable. I am filled with resentment thinking about how my ex will have women just falling all over him (he is pretty presentable and a decent guy although definitely emotionally underdeveloped and very EU). Whereas I who put a LOT into this relationship in terms of wanting to make it work and am good material will have….nothing except perhaps a few losers if I choose to do something like online dating which is not an option. So here is the thing. I have interpreted these realities as being all about ME being undesirable, even though I am “slim, attractive, well-dressed, interesting, active” blah blah blah – I see myself as having to construct my life alone despite what well-meaning friends tell me. There are SO many really great women out there like me! So why am I internalizing this to say to myself IF you really were lovable you would have men falling all over you? What is it with that?
It has been hard for me to get out of this downward spiral of feelings about my future. It is not even that I WANT a new relationship but would like the “option” if it ever arose. It really really upsets me to think of how “easy” it will be for my ex to make that happen if he wants to. I am in a bad space about this and am having trouble getting out of it.
Espresso,
) met each other in their mid-50s, and my therapist found his wife in their forties. The first couple came from horrible previous marriages, and the second couple had never been married before. From what I observed, both sets of couples have the healthiest relationships that I have ever seen.
Unfortunately, I think we often create realities for ourselves that aren’t, well…real. My *adoptive* parents (not officially, but they’ve taken me to be their own
One of my friends is engaged to a man 12 years older than her. The only reason it works is because his maturity level matches hers. Actually, I think hers exceeds his a bit. I’m not sure why anyone in hell would envy that relationship. The guy is a total loser and she is closed off emotionally. I know some people are able to make relationships work with a wide-age gap, but personally, the idea of being with a man 10-15 years my senior is a total turn-off. Most of my friends feel the same way. You seem to have this idea that young, gorgeous women are going to be throwing themselves at your exes feet. I’d like to (respectfully) call bull on that. Even if that were true, what kind of relationship can you have with an emotionally stunted man? I think we ALL know the answer to that. His situation is depressing. I wouldn’t envy him or the FBG he ends up with.
I know what it’s like to engage in fantasy nightmare making. I remember my ex-fiance didn’t invite me to his birthday party because he was afraid I’d make a scene (what. the. hell) In my mind he was surrounded by gorgeous women, interesting people, and having the time of his life. Instead he was spending his 30th birthday sipping coffee with a woman 30 years HIS senior. She was the only person who showed up. Fantasy-making in any form is emotionally dangerous, and usually not even close to the truth.
Expresso
That bothers me too. Dating isn’t an option for me at present as my husband is still in the house but we are legally separated and at some point hopefully soon he will leave. I do wonder what my future holds and do not feel especially optimistic. The MM i was involved with is separated and living apart and I am aware that he will have A LOT of options, as he is attractive, well off, and a high status job – in which he does meet a lot of women.
Where I work there are single men and single women in my age bracket but the single men are either gay, asexual (no interest at all in women) or undateable – poor self-care, heavy drinkersetc and have never had a relationship. The women in contrast are great – attractive, fit,healthy and sociable. They have all come out of long marriages/relationships through divorce or being widowed. (the widows lost their same age partners in their 40s!) I think I might consider online, because I rarely meet eligible guys and added to that have young children so it’s difficult for me to get out and about so much.
Also, I think it might BR good for me just to “practice” the social skills involved in going on a date with a man, so that if and when I do meet someone I feel interested in I won’t be overwhelmed with fear and anxiety.
What my therapist said (not about this particular issue) was, how do you know what will happen? You don’t. Statistics, what happened to friends, what you read in magazines, none of them are predictors of your future.
You sound still very focused on your ex and maybe when you are more detached from him you will see yourself – and the available men around you – in a more positive way.
mymble and lauren – I know your replies were to espresso but I found them really helpful – thank you.
I’m also a bit stuck in this particular hole and my predicted future looks rather dull and samey (on the grounds that I can only imagine it being like the present). So both of your responses have given me something to think about.
espresso – I don’t know if it helps, but every so often I imagine how the present would look from a future where I have the things in my life that I tend towards thinking would make me happy – like a relationship and stability and so on. If you take away the worry and fear about Being Alone And Feeling Rejected Forever, my life is actually pretty good and pleasant, and I’m sure that I will look back with fondness at a lot of the things I take for granted now (eg free time, space to be creative, son being two etc).
The other day I caught myself feeling nostalgic for the days when son was tiny. Even though that was officially the Blackest Time In My History (or seemed it) there were things about it that I miss now – quite small ones, like the route I used to drive into work and nattering to a colleague who’s since left, things like that. But I miss them and it makes me wonder how many nice missable things I’m failing to notice now while I’m cringing at the thought of life continuing like this for the next twenty years.
I know that it’s difficult when everything is so transitional and stressful and scary, but remember that everything changes all the time and that this point holds things that are just as unique and precious and good as they would be if you were in a happy relationship. Don’t let the past or the (possible) future suck all of the joy out of the present.
Not sure about the statistics-bit, just now finished “Stumbling on Happiness” by Daniel Gilbert, which is not really about happiness but about thinking quirks, and the take-away at the end of the book is “The best way to predict our feelings tomorrow is to see how others are feeling today… because if you are like most people, then like most people, you don’t know that you are like most people. Science has given us a lot of facts about the average person, and one of the most reliable of these facts is that the average person doesn’t see herself as average.”
There is power in the baseline!
Teddie
One of the interesting things about this site, as well as natalies insightful comments and advice, is that so many people go through similar experiences with ACs, EUMs, MMs, which to them seem unique. The behaviour patterns and even the scripts repeat, over and over. The useful thing about knowing this is understanding, from other peoples experience, where a “relationship” is heading and what the outcomes are likely to be. Still, I believe it is a big mistake to believe that “my friend finds it difficult to form a relationship, we are the same age and therefore it will be impossible for me too”. What I do notice is that many of the 40/50 something single women aren’t actually looking for a partner, and one or two actually say they don’t want one. It may be, after my situation is resolved, that I will feel that way too. But I believe that if I really want a partner and am willing to extend myself, it will be possible.
Perfect timing for this article.
About a fortnight ago I got stood up to a movie date.
I’m embarrased to say I did make it about myself initially ie what deficits did I have that would make him want to stand me up? It hurt cos I’m so cautious when it comes to dating anyway and to be stood up on my first re: foray back into dating kinda sucked.
Then I realized that its not about me, this guy has been a bit hot and cold in persuinh me and in the end just didn’t have enough interest in me (or any sort of decency) to have the courage to say – I’m not interested in seeing you anymore.
So now I’m reminding myself that it is his loss and am not willing to consider dating him again, regardless of his excuse.
Espresso, and to all of us older ladies here…you say, “I have interpreted these realities as being all about me being undesirable”….even though (on the surface I am
physically attractive and appealing)…I must construct myself alone. Yes, this is what we must do in aging with or without a significant other. We all die alone, perhaps with some support from family or significant other. We must define what is the meaning of our life to face death with dignity either alone or with support. My mother was widowed at 70, went to church and remarried at 75. (well, she was trim, active, lovely had something to offer and HAD SELF ESTEEM). At 75 she wanted another until death we do part partner. He was 71 a widow and they had about 14 more pleasant partnership/friendship years together. She looked great for a 70 year old. That’s not the point. Find out what is the meaning of life to you, what is your personal passion and interests in life. Everything else will fall into place. Ladies and gents, it has nothing to to do with appearance, profession,age, how many kids you have, the baggage you carry, the heartache you had in your youth, marriages 1, 2 or 3, it’s about your values, morals, humanity
it is about what you feel is the meaning of your life.
What a lovely post. I should be asleep now, but got engrossed in the responses here. This is so positive and I needed a reality check tonight!
Loved your comment, SP! Thanks for that.
Simple Pleasures,
You are so right!
Back again. This has become my safe place for when it falls apart again. When my fingers itch to send that ‘last’ email/text – the one when you list everything you think is wrong. The only good thing is I now know it won’t give me the outcome I would want it to. No contact again. Thank you for all your lessons I wish I could work out why I am stuck in this groundhog day though! Ladies if you can help me please do. I met another seemingly nice guy on match.com. yet while we have met up 5-6 times the majority of comms are text and pretty much limited. He is a gentleman when we are together polite, interested but not overly forward. Yet my gut tells me he just isn’t that interested and the lack of comms and forward planning do nothing to persuade me otherwise. I keep getting this and its getting hard not to when pointing the finger at them look back where the other three are pointing… yes at me. I might not be that powerful and they may not be worth it. yet really can one person be that unlucky or am I sabotaging myself in someway. I only want someone to share my life with. I have a good life stable family good friends. I have been blessed I would just not like to spend it alone I would like a partner to build something with. I just keep finding this fakery this half arsed effort. The fizzle out within a few weeks. The lazy comms the phone phantoms. I am starting to think that most guys no longer want a person but a contact list full of easy shags… I don’t want to be bitter but I am starting to really feel it right now.
Miss Chell, don’t give up. Get mad and bitter about those specific types of limp willy bores. Don’t put all your eggs in each basket of man you date. Date a slew, don’t sleep with them, but keep moving and don’t put any emphasis on ANY of them till one does actually outshine. There are more undesirables out there as they stay in the dating pool longer and the good ones get snatched up and rarely return to the pool. You have the BR education now to know what you are dealing with, so use it, but maybe the BR education in a way has got you down cause now it’s easier to see the pond scum than ever before and it doesn’t look good out there. Don’t despair, we’re all in the same boat. All we can do now is use this education, love our lives, live our lives and be happy with or without a partner.
Jewells,
I don’t understand getting mad and bitter, as nothing positive comes from that.
What we need to do, is move on quickly when we see that something is not progressing.
Mymble and Espresso: yep, I am in much the same boat. Most of the women at our campuses are highly educated, take great care of ourselves, and the men around us are none of these things plus have severe issues with substance abuse, violent behavior. I get tremendous pressure to settle for one of these gems from colleagues, become essentially a sugar momma to someone who cannot give anything in return. dont know whats happening to all those retired doctors/ professors/ etc. from the major urban/ suburban metastasis down the hill. maybe theyre all heading to Arizona to wallow in heat, comfort, and excessive convenience. I wind up being terribly lonely as I lack family ties and non work close friends, the latter a sad fact of dealing with years of displacement/trauma/poverty before I came here. I know what a good relationship looks and feels like because that is what I had when married and refuse to settle for less than which is like being alone without the freedom. At this point I avoid the local older dudes entirely, even if it means hurting my back trying to lift stuff I shouldnt, dont want creepy problems on my doorstep. Ive pretty much given up on meeting anyone till I can retire and sell out. This is why the issue with the at work AC was sooo devastating, I understood that there were no more options for me for a loong time. After two years it seems I was right. A previous poster had mentioned starting up our own state with folk that take care of themselves and are functional; a damned good idea.
Thank you to everyone (laurie, sp, yoghurt, mymble and miskwa – hope I haven’t forgotten anyone) who made comments on my post about feeling lost, resentful, not being focused on reality and making my own life. Somehow I have wandered off the path.
Every single comment was really helpful and everyone had a different perspective. Amazing women of BR!
Mymble – I think we are in similar situations where we are still house-sharing. I am interested also in hearing from women who have left longer term marriages (20 or more years). I feel like I am deconstructing a village here.
I have been divorced for roughly 3 years now, out of a relationship with an EUM for nearly 2 years (met him while I was going through my divorce – looking back – so not ready to date), & in my current healthy relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 1 1/2 years now. I was led to BR during a search on “boyfriend running hot and cold” when I was dating the ex EUM & during one of our many breakups. I was not ready to end things with him at that time as I was convinced I was in love with him & could not live without him. After he broke up with me (first time ever dumped at 35 lol) I did a search on how to handle a breakup – I think it was that. Lo and behold I was led to BR again. I have been here ever since. I am so grateful to have Natalie as a guide on my journey towards becoming a better me – Well on my way I am so happy to say! First time posting but I feel I know most of you very well. I would like to say – There are some fantastic writers here & you all make me laugh and learn on a daily basis & I thank all you for that as well! I just want all you ladies (and the few gentlemen that are here) to really feel and congratulate yourself on your progress & even more so understand that just having the courage to change in the first place is something to be proud of as well! It is not easy to face your fears, love yourself despite your flaws, reject the need to be “perfect”, and step outside & do things you have never done before (like put yourself first & have boundaries) Thank you for creating & opearting this site Natalie. You are an inspiration to me daily. If I had to choose one thing to keep (only one thing lol) on the Internet – It would be your site – Hands down. Thank you!
This has been a difficult habit for me to break. I’ve gotten a hell of a lot better, but it’s still quite ingrained in me. I know that it’s because of remnants of my childhood; constant self-talk has helped me to deal with it better than before.
Thanks for the reminder.
Espresso. Do not think that ALL older men are only interested in someone 10-15 ears older, thereby severely limiting your chances of finding true love. I’m probably the oldest person on this entire blog. My bf is 8 years older than me. I thought when I was deeply into being EU that I could only be interested in a younger man. The ex MM was 12 years younger. We had a rousing good time sexually (this is embarrassing to say), but that was ALL THERE WAS. I was so empty and full of sadness and desperation, wanting him all the time which, of course, made me a very needy woman. Now, I have a wonderful MAN. He is not looking for a young chippy, or even someone younger than I am because he wants a grounded mature relationship that has a future, and not built on frivolousness. He is just as youthful as I am, physically very healthy, exercising daily, very highly intelligent but very down to earth. He is a “southern gentleman” and treats me in the manner that I deserve. But most important, we share care, respect, honesty and love. There is NO DECEPTION because we want this to continue to be as great as it is. I’m telling you this so that you can start believing it is possible. My best friend got remarried after 30 yrs alone after divorce. She was 62! And he is 3-5 years older than she is. Think positive and allow that positivity to shine through. I firmly believe now that you extract from the universe what you send out. If that sounds too Pollyanna-ish to you, I’m sorry. That’s a part of the new me.
Tinkerbell,
What a warm and thoughtful comment. Though not directed toward me, I REALLY needed to read your words. I want to make you a cup of tea and bake you a loaf of bread.
But since this is all “virtual”, here’s a big hug from me: ((HUGS Tink))
Simple Pleasures. Your comments are spot on. Exactly what I’m talking about.
Espresso. Just wanted to add that my girlfriend also is very healthy,strong, positive, well educated, very outgoing with a great sense of humor (always ready to laugh about something). She does not know what depression or insecurity looks like, being one of those individuals who has never experienced it- not visibly, anyway. She is also a devout Christian and married a minister. What could have been more perfect? And they are very happy. This gives me hope.
Hi all. My friend introduced me to this website, and I’ve been on it every day ever since! I just read Lollie’s post and it resonated with me. I especially liked her phrase about “dissolving her boundaries” – something I regularly do with this married man I am hopelessly in love with at work. We have been good friends for about three years now, and I have subsisted on this “relationship” to the detriment of all my other ones. Basically he is the yardstick I measure all the available men I meet by, and none of them have come up to his standard. Stupid really, he has told me that if he were single, he would marry me but that nothing can happen between us. So I have to take my part in this, he has told me categorically that he can’t be anything more than a friend to me and can’t leave his wife (not that I want him to, but I still want him – pathetic eh?. The killer blow is that he has told me that he is going to retire in about 5 months time and will be leaving work for good. Devastated isn’t the word for the way I felt. Now I am treading water, afraid of drowning in my feelings for him. We met up for lunch in the half term school holiday last week and he said that maybe it wasn’t a good thing for us to keep meeting and that we should not have any contact text/email/phone/meetings for two weeks. I am only on day 4 and it has been a real struggle. The truth is though that if i leave it for 2 weeks and then go back to my same old behaviour, what was the point? I need to build my self esteem without him … just wish I knew where to start. Anyway, thanks for “listening” to me – I think all you guys out there fight battles every day and come out stronger. I admire you all! And lastly perhaps the biggest thanks must go to Natalie for setting up this fantastic site. Thanks x
Hi CraftyGirl,
I am new to this site as well and am just today 2 weeks NC. Your situation sounds tough. Love is hard to come down from, even when you know you have to. I wish you luck getting to two weeks. I printed myself out a little calendar to check off the days with a reward at the end for getting to two weeks and that helped. It has still been difficult, but already getting a bit easier. I doubt I will ever fully be over my guy but that’s ok, so long as I don’t feel as sad as I do now. And one thing I’ve come to realize about going NC is that you can still send love (and feel love)from afar. But for me it was getting to the point where anymore contact on my part would have been embarrassing and for me that would have been worse than just NC because then I would have had NC plus embarrassment in front of him to deal with. At least, it sounds like, you are at the stage where you can keep your chin up because he clearly loves you/has feelings for you. One of the things I put on my NC chart was that my rewards for getting to 2 weeks were going to be a little prize that I wanted as well as knowing that I hadn’t done anything stupider (and that he is maybe? missing me back) Good luck
Hi ladies (and gents),
Just wanted to post to report that I am 2 weeks NC!! Feels good to make it to that landmark but of course also mixed because I miss him. Wish me luck, I am going for a month as my next goal. Hoping it gets easier. Wishing he was chasing me, but (un)fortunately he seems to be going NC on me too. Anyone have any tips for speeding up the grieving process here and letting go? I find evenings are particularly difficult as I start to ruminate and get nostalgic when I am feeling tired.