This article was basically all about me. I am in turmoil at the moment in my relationship. I am a classic case of a woman trying to break free of the bad relationship patterns that I have become accustomed to. I fell in love and was drawn to my best male friend. I am attracted to him, I love him and want to be with him but I am treating him badly and I can’t stop. He treats me like a princess, though he is no doormat believe me. He is quite insecure at times, but he is mostly a confident individual and thats what attracted me to him. I am creating drama where this is none and picking out his bad points constantly and give him a hard time. I feel obsessed with the relationship and full of worry and am constantly on “red flag” alert. Everyone who knows me says he is perfect for me and is my soul-mate and I used to think that myself, but I am wondering now as I keep snapping at him all the time and I think its out of fear. I am the sort of girl who feels ‘comfortable’ with being treated badly. We have just moved in together and I have been so happy up until a few weeks ago, where I seem to be going through a period of turmoil again. I seem to do this every once in a while with us, and each time it passes, we seem to move forward another few steps, but this feeling always comes back. I want a family one day and I want it with him. I know is because I dont love myself and basically hate myself and I am taking out all of my anger about my past onto him, how do I stop???

I dont want to hurt him, I want to go back to being happy again… but I can’t quite relax and am obsessing and causing fights. I dont want to lose him. He is so dedicated to me and wants to work things out and so do I. Do I need to change my thinking…. I dont know where to start. I want to go back to the happy place I was with him. Or maybe I am just having this “attack” because we have just moved in together??
thanks

OMG, reading your comments felt as if I was reading about my life. I can’t believe how exactly the same your experiences are to mine. It made me feel so much better, finally validated for what I thought all along as a child. That my mother was the crazy, sick one, that she was wrong, that how she was treating me was soooo wrong, hurtful, cold and cruel, and lastly, why didn’t she love me? Why did she think something was wrong with me that made me so unlovable?

Being powerless as a child, I ended up learning this bad behavior and belief system and adopted it into my own life in order to survive this unhealthy environment and b/c I didn’t know anything else. I had never seen what a healthy relationship looks like. So, it’s no wonder I ended up with someone who shared similar characteristics as her. I think on some level I was still trying to resolve things with her (and my father, a narcissist), through someone else. Like saying, “LOVE ME DAMN IT!!! Trying to convince him (and her and my father when I was a child) over and over and over again to get the same shitty behavior in return.

Now I’m trying to break this unhealthy cycle so that maybe I can have a normal life one day. This site is really opening my eyes to MYSELF, my childhood, my past, my feelings, my thought process. I too went to therapists and it didn’t help AT ALL. It’s a flawed system for many reasons. I think you’re right, anonymity is crucial to the healing process. We need a SAFE PLACE to air out all this build up crap where it’s not going to be used against us, where their is no fear that people we know will find out and look at us differently, or treat us badly b/c of it.

So THANK YOU, all you posters, and the author. I read all of it and it’s tremendously helpful.

The important thing is that I’m finally on the road to recovery and I’m hopeful about my romantic future for the first time in my life, and in a realistic way, not the usual illusions and fantasies. Glad to be getting rid of those, they didn’t serve me anyway. I want something that’s real and that’s healthy and I finally realize that I have to deal with MY issues and get to the root of what going on with ME. I’m starting to do just that and I’m already starting to see some changes occur w/in myself, like noticing Red Flags in potential romantic relationships for the first time. I can’t believe how completely blind I was to that before and blind to myself too. Thanks for opening my eyes. I needed that, and I can see that a lot of other people need it too.

Thanks for going back and finding this post, I hadn’t read it.

I could feel the anger and frustration as you described his repeated calls and refusal to leave you the heck alone when you asked.

What I think is that he ignored your ability to decide what you want. He steam rolled over your needs, looking at everything in terms of what he could fix. That sounds like classic low self-esteem, he is fixated on himself so much he never notices others. His calls were a major act of disrespect. Besides being rude, to ignore your ‘don’t bother me’ request, he placed himself first – it was more important to him to be ‘the fixer’ or as you called him the crowd pleaser, as I say is was more important to him that he ‘look good’ than any needs or problems or wish to retreat for a while. The first call of the three was a major mistake – but the following calls were serious, deliberate impositions on you, and were breaches of trust.

This was no mere ‘but I just called to see if I could help’ – this was creepy and disrespectful and manipulative. Congratulations on recognizing that he was the one at (grievous) fault. No means no, even if it isn’t about sex. Each time and every time.

When you don’t eat as much.. you don’t feel full.. at first you have to just to stop eating even though you want more. At first it’ll seem like a challenge.. “wait.. i’m still hungry”.. you have to reset your thermostat And SLOW DOWN your eating.. give your stomach time to catch up.

Eventually much less food will satisfy you.. and you’ll feel fuller earlier.

I think the same goes with relationships.. especially with us fallback girls.. we dive in… throw down all of our cards.. and “dig in” even though the food doesn’t taste necessarily good and by the time we realize it.. we’re stuffed and feel disgusting. SLOW DOWN.. enjoy every bite.. TASTE it and see if it even tastes good..

Eventually you’ll be fuller faster.. and probably eat more quality foods.

Does this make sense?

My thought is to make a list..and put it in your purse on a date.. keep checking it to see if it vibes with what you are wanting. It might take a date or two.. that’s ok too. Say by 3 dates you should have a good idea..

It’s OK to all of us fallback girls. HOW can we be expected to know what to do when all we know is that which doesn’t serve us. Have to go back to 2nd grade.. and learn it all over.. takes time and patience but ask yourself how much do you want it?

And trust me.. I’m in the SAME boat. I am NOT saying any of this because I have it figured out.. But I love myself enough to WANT to figure it out and work HARD on myself.

Howcome I still date assclowns? It must be because I don’t know any better. So with future dates I at first will check out if they are able to care about me and will show it by doing this for me. I’ve grown accustomed to doing almost everything on my own, I’m going to expect my partner to actually particpate in my life, be there and do things.

Does that make any sense?

I think it’s just a case of constantly checking in with ourselves. Like the woman who can eat anything and not gain an ounce…. it’s just one gift she’s been given.. she doesn’t have to think about it. But for most of us.. if we want to live a healthy life.. we just have to bring more awareness to what we put in our mouths… We have to focus on the fact that we have been blessed with OTHER gifts.. I’d probably bet that EVERY one of you.. even though you are struggling with your relationships… Because of this sensitivity to wanting to make people happy (even when they don’t deserve it) you have wonderful friendships.. and genuine ability to appreciate life in it’s everyday beauty… would you say? Most of you probably are Empaths.. where you can make others feel the way you feel.. and vice versa.. YOU can take on others feelings very easily. Does this resonate?

It’s about gifts.. so Yea Yea.. we weren’t blessed with a gift of discrimation toward what is healthy for us in our relationships… I’m SURE each of you can say five or more things that you DO have going for you…

So yea.. it’s self love… facing our low self esteem in relationships.. our pasts with respect to our parents..etc.. but also Focusing on where we ARE prospering.. and living in abundance.

Dare I say… As you think so shall you be. So FOCUS on what you want.. instead of what you don’t. (If you haven’t seen “The Secret”… I highly recommend it!)

Have a great day!

I had an emotional unavailable father and a very critical mother. My sister in law was taught by her parents that she had to solve everything on her own. Probably to “help” her become independent. However for an eight year old not a very appropriate strategy.

In her adult life she has choosen my brother, where she can safely hold on to her strategy of “doing everything alone”.

So I doubt that having no or low self esteem is the only reason that we keep on falling for EUM’s. She has her issues though. But ne day you will have enough self esteem and still find yourself in EU-relationships. I think that’s because of habit. You became customized to a certain approach and the difficulty is to expect to get more for yourself and also to be able to accept a nice approach. Often we are our own saboteurs…

We have to break with the habit of picking a guy where we feel “at home”.I have noticed a specific feeling that I get when I’m with an EUM. Something in my stomach that is a mixture of anxiety and happiness. When I feel this feeling I thought I was on the right track. Now I know that I have to run at that moment, because this feeling is fooling me.

If you were under medical care at the time, you surely understand the concept of getting skilled help. When you don’t understand your partner, you have the option of asking her, of asking your parents or friends for help – and elevating to counselors or pastor so you can *learn* how to understand others.

Maybe she did run when things got tough. Maybe she stayed longer than she should have, because things got tough – many people will. I wasn’t there, so I don’t know her thinking, or the situation.

There is something that you still aren’t seeing, and I expect that my words won’t help any – you will, eventually, have to hear it from yourself before it becomes real. You still aren’t sure just what a healthy relationship is, and you didn’t pick someone likely to be a good mate for you, And the reason you picked the wrong person is you, not the people available, or that all women are like that.

Most of the visitors here are at Baggage Reclaim because they picked a partner that was unable to to form a healthy, long term relationship. Often abusive, manipulative, liars, deceptive, disrespectful – emotionally unavailable. The real problem most of us struggle with, here, is that not all people are like that – but we keep picking them. *We* keep picking them. We pick the ‘easy’ ones, the ones that need ‘rescue’ or ‘fixing’ or the attractive predators. And we keep running into a wall, thinking our partner will change, will become ‘better’ for us. And we keep picking other partners that are ‘opposite’ of some meaningless ‘warning flag’ – but are still the same unhealthy character we picked before.

The world won’t change, our partners won’t change. The only thing we have any control over is ourselves. And until we change our attraction to the wrong people, we won’t change. We won’t heal, and have a chance at a better relationship, with a good mate-prospect.

About “Then something just isn’t right.”, a mate is more responsibility than asset. Neither you nor I can control whether she will be there for you when you need someone – but you can alway focus on being there for her. You are expressing a lot of anger and, it seems, denial, about your relationship. Yes, your relationship was hit by a huge test – but was the test to the relationship your withdrawal and focus on your illness, or by your illness? That is, did you pass your test in your relationship to her?

I happen to think that in relationships we often get distracted by the details. The details are important, but there are some fundamentals that have to be there, first. I believe that love is never ‘forever’. It only lasts as long as neither partner asks, “Do I really want to be here?” And I believe it is our responsibility to avoid making our partner ask that question. Because after so long, an answer of “No, not really.” will turn to “No, and I have to get away.” By the time we leave, the moment of decision was usually long past. And the reason that the choice to leave wasn’t noticed in time – is the reason for leaving. The words said at parting are not about the ended relationship, they are about building the future.

I lost a wife by going to college. On her way out the door she let me know that school terrified her, and she couldn’t handle being close to someone actively learning. College is not comparable to cancer – but there are a lot more well-adjusted, healthy people with issues about medicine, doctors, hospitals, and cancer. If we can’t pick up on our partner’s discomfort and fears and needs, we lose.

Luck.

Disrespected myself and her and not standing up for her you say. I stood up too my peoples while she was there and i have done it front of her on many occasions. She was more than aware of those things. The year of signals you asking about couldn’t possibly work out. Did you just want me to magically snap my fingers and not be ill with tumors and cancer, did you want me to not go for two major surgeries, did you not want me to go school, did you not want me to be constantly worrying if the tumors would spread and something major would happen to me?

Honestly, defending someone based on selfish desires seems to really off to me. And for the year of signals you spoke of, you can’t be possibly talking about the year while i was sick. Cause if i do remember she did have more than my attention and affection in our first year. She did basically what many women do and that is run when things get tough. Prefer a situation that perfect without fault or trial.

You spoke also about improving communication. My ex like some people can’t quite communicated properly in person. If it were done through writing down what she wants to convey or IM she can do it fine. We had been working on that in our first year and I was certain she was getting over it but I was mistaken. Because I found myself asking I mostly everyday what was wrong with her and her responses were always nothing and sometimes pieces of info her and there.

This girl knew the lengths I went through to atleast sustain the relationship and make her happy when i could. There was lack of understanding and compassion on her part. Her maturity and self esteem was seriously lacking.

Our relationship got a hit by a huge test. I could understand she said I was her world and seeing and thinking I would die is something she can’t handle. But if it were her would I have bailed out on her as a friend?

Man I am upset and your response yes but honestly if you have a full plate and your mate can’t understand that and puts herself or himself before you or not meeting some form of compromise. Then something just isn’t right.

Let me summarize a bit. You picked a hurting, insecure child for a what? Mate? Sex adventure? Date? Someone that was expected to be grateful for the rescue, someone it would be simple to be the hero for.

Someone you did not respect as an equal, healthy partner. This isn’t about her state, but about who you picked. And why you made that choice.

You say you *witnessed* your family disrespect her. You did *not* say how you resolved an open attack on someone that should have expected your assistance and support. If you had been a mate to her, you should have seen a choice at that moment in time – the first attack, that is – to get your family to express remorse and regret for the attack, and then an apology, and an expression of respect – or you should have left your so-called disrespectful family for your chosen mate. We are expected to defend those we love.

When you saw problems in your relationship, as the one six years senior and supposedly with six years more life experience – how did you go about improving communication, understanding your partner’s wants and problems and goals and dissatisfactions?

Whatever problems hampered her, you still emerged from the relationship with a discernible lack of respect for yourself and for her, and there is still the question of why you picked a wounded child to be a companion.

Sorry to sound harsh, but you already answered the question you asked – she was hurt when you met, she stuck out a relationship with your disrespect hanging all over everyone for a couple of years, she gave a year of signals she needed more of you, of your respect and care, that no one seemed to honor or acknowledge.

Without having met her, I imagine she took very little pleasure in causing you confusion or hurt or disappointment. I doubt any of it was intentional, just a hurting soul trying to do the best she could.