Comments on: Understanding Why Relationships Don’t Always Work Out

By: Allison

Allison — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 14:37:21 +0000

Dee,

This is VERY common! Like you said, these guys are getting the benefits, minus the responsibility.

You are good to be rid of him. Not only will they make lousy boyfriends, but lousy friends.

Users!!!!

By: Dee

Dee — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 14:17:30 +0000

I am wondering if anyone else has experienced an intimacy thief, as I like to call my ex assclown. At 40 years of age, he has never had a long term girl friend (longest just over 1 year), never lived with anyone (except his mother – don’t get me started) and has an appalling history with women. I didn’t know alot of this until it was too late. One of the things I have noticed is , with the woman before me and myself, he has been trying something new. Before us, the women would leave, hating him (sometimes hitting him). With me and the one before, he has tried to “stay friends”, literally begging to keep us in his life because he is tired of losing people he cares about. He cannot do relationships (he told me, after 5 months in one) but wants close intimate friendships. Basically, he wanted to freeze the relationship where it was and keep it there but call it a friendship so that he would not be obligated to me in anyway. The last one is “stuck”, big time. She continues to build her life around him but he calls her friend. I have had no contact with this clown for 6 weeks now (thank god) and am well rid of him but it seems he was trying to find “free” intimacy by calling intense close relationships friendships when really they are relationships without obligations. Is it just me or has this been other women’s experience?

By: Tiff

Tiff — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 06:50:55 +0000

I am scared shitless myself. I totally overreacted and told a guy off after he ditched me on the ski slopes. No call or text. I am a cool girl, it was a sweet powder day and i couldn’t keep up. thanks to this website I can stop obsessing about what I did wrong and focus on me.

By: Amelka30

Amelka30 — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 18:02:48 +0000

After reading the above post one thought is staying in my mind: being considerate and able to give from both people is the key in this entire relationship puzzle. Empathy is crutial.
But what is the balance in giving? Is it a man who should give more to the woman at least at the beginning of relationship or is it: I give you as much as you give me?
In which form do we see true love, affection, care and when does it come – 2 months or 6 months on. As I don’t think it is apparent after 4 dates. Interest in the other person – yes, but care and love – not really, or do you think it is? Should we be able to spot these abilities from day one or does it come with time? This is me being shitlessly scared of maybe making the same mistake again after being for 8 years with Mr Unavailables. The last one – 7 month relationship with a total assclown was my epiphany moment, a wake up call. So I have done a lot of work on myself to deal with all my issues I finally could put a finger on, and this all thanks to this website and Natalie’s book. However I am at times still confused. Yes, I do not trust myself about the men I attract (due to my bad love habbits history) therefore I am quite careful about a person I am seeing now. He is a total opposite to my previous types. But still I have a nagging question- should you expect a man to treat you like a princess straight away from the beginning (obviously you returning the feelings) or should you acknowledge the fact that they too should give you only as much as you give them? And if they do so – is that right, should we expect more from men?

By: Natty

Natty — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 03:09:39 +0000

Hello,
I wanted to respond to the post ‘Why women cheat’ but its an old one and I can not post a comment there.
I have just found this site and look forward to reading your books.
I am a 23 yeard old female, who has been single since breaking up with a guy in August. Before him I was in a relationship for 3 half years with what would be decirbed as a ‘nice guy’. The relationship was mainly while I was at Uni, I moved further away from him and I even told him that the relationship would probably not work out. But he said he wanted to keep going. I was in love and spent my first year of uni with him and we both failed our first year, because we were attached at the hip. He was supportive, although we struggled for a while with issues about personal space as I found him quite emotionally demanding at times and sensitive. Almost like a traditional role reversal. Then I started to get a wandering eye, being away from him all the time meant it was easy, I slept with a mate, felt guilty then saw my ex a few days later and was amazed at hopw easy it was to forget. I decided what he didnt know wouldnt hurt him…and that i loved him this was just a blip. Then towards the end of my course when i was under immense pressure, caught the mumps, entered and failed a student election, then I meet him. We meet briefly a few times, I could feel his eyes on me instantly. He added me to a social networking site and we started procrastinating together, my boyfriend was busy with his uni work to notice and when I had the mumps he stayed away from me because he could not remember if he’d had a shot or not, when my mother (whom is a emotional vampire, dodgy turbulous relationship) came to see me straight away. This sounds reasonable but I was a little upset, and this made me spend more time online with the new guy.
Eventually staying in studying all day and night got too much and I decided to go out with my partying friend, we went to the new guys friends rave as he had a hook up and we shared an common interest in a genre of music, (but thinking about it now it just an excuse to see him). I ended up staying at his house, having sex and not leaving until 4pm the next day. Then ‘accidentally’ texting my boyfriend saying I needed to break up with him, (this text was suppose to go to my partying friend).
What a mess.
We spoke, my boyfriend got angry, then left me alone, I continued my relationship with ‘him’ by turning up at his a few times quite late, definite booty call behaviour. I started seeking his approval and needed his attention. After a little while I admitted that I was into him more than just ‘sex’ and he said he was to. but he wasnt ready and neither was I. I was facing some issues with my mother and housing problems, so I confined in him. Big mistake. Not only did he take advantage of this, he crushed my self esteem and sent me into the deep depths of depression. Changing his mind and saying that the only way i could be his ‘babe’ was if I stopped rinking, smoking and lost a littel wieght on my stomach as it was ‘unatrtactice’. I responded by telling him to f*ck off, but then changed my mind and literally begged him to take me back and that i would do what he asked. After a week, I knew I was living a lie and broke it off, and this continued for months. We would argue after he would make a comment to put me down, I would let it go, then a few days later bring it up because I could not believe that he said it and aruge with him again.
He never took me out, did not want me to meet his friends, blasted my friends and family, would never visit me at my home, (we were both broke and looking for work, I ended up working in a nightclub and staying at his at silly times in the morning). The situation played into his hands. My friends had enough of me as everything was about him and the dramas. I started seeing other guys as well chasing something……..
Then going right back to him, he even hit me once and dragged me up the stairs when I tried to leave his house once. Told me it was ok because I had lied to him. If I said no to sex and I was staying his house he would just keeping trying until I gave in.
My ex asked for me back a couple of times and i said no? because I though it wouldnt work and I had done too much damage. He now lives with his new girlfriend.
After all of this this guy told me that the reason he wanted me around was because he liked waking up with me next to him in the morning and the affection was what he wanted. Everything else in the relationship he didnt give a crap about. Towards the end I asked him admit that he never thought of me as anything but an object and that he used me because he was not inerested in developing anythign with me, this week he did and he said sorry. I went from breaking up with him, agreeing in fuck buddy terms, to begging him to be my boyfriend, to cheating on him, to playing his games on him. EVERYTHING.
Today I will never have contact with him again, the good thing is that there are slim chances of me seeing him so this should be easy. As I have maintained contact since August thorugh the internet and texts.

Wow that was an essay, but I guess I needed to type that stuff. I am seeing a councellor, who decided I was a saboteur and I know I am on the path to where I want to be….i was severely depressed in early 2009 but im getting there.

By: Trinity

Trinity — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 08:48:34 +0000

Thank you Nat, your little message made me smile
take care xxx

By: NML

NML — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 16:01:36 +0000

@sharlena sharlena Acknowledgement goes a loooong way. At the end of the day, focusing, for instance, on the 10% good, doesn’t change the 90% that’s not so good. A person is more than their ‘good points’ – you can’t just compartmentalise them, as you’ve discovered.
@Alika Why are you so proud? Don’t use this as an excuse to give up on yourself. Feel your way through the fear instead of confirming what you say is not true about yourself. If you don’t want to come across as cold, show that you are warm and admit you made a mistake. Yes it may be too late, but if it is, it’s not because you’re a bad person; it’s because you didn’t think you were worth it to try,
@Trinity It’s not immature and childish to want to be left alone so you can get over a relationship. It is immature and childish, however, expect someone to sit around being in pain because it suits them – don’t listen to this fool.
@Troya – Thank you!
@RES Amen! Loving blindly isn’t something to be proud of – it’s like loving without any responsibility to yourself! I’m very happy for you – enjoy your happiness and cherish it!
@MaryC Great quote.
@Andrea No problem at all – that’s what I’m hear. Better late than never!
@Moving on in 2010 It’s important to remind yourself that you can no longer expect in the way that you used to because if he didn’t meet your expectations in the relationship, he certainly won’t when you’re out of it. You have to ask yourself why you want to explain but as you saw, the result you expected fell short.
@de-lightedtobefree Thank you! xx
@Wild~Thing Amen
@Enlightened Tell it! Exceedingly wise words!
@Gillian I call this ‘suck it and see’ – you now know that there’s nothing to be curious about so you can now move forward. Bettering than torturing yourself with curiosity.
@Tina T Excellent points. i think it’s too easy to believe that the ex is the one. It stops us from moving on and being in charge of our own destiny. It’s like writing yourself off.
@Jessica If he’s a wounded soul not over his ex, it was never going to work. It all got too much for him and he came up with a crap excuse to extricate himself out of it. He probably believed his own words for a while until he realised he couldn’t deliver. It sounds like this guy has a lot on his mind… I think you’re trying to fit a square rather limp peg into a round hole…excuse the pun…
@Diane E Pinkney Did we really expect him to send a response, in hoping that he would come to â€œhis sensesâ€ and â€œwake upâ€ or do we need to come to our own senses and wake up? – That is brilliant – thank you for sharing your wise words!
@Half Happy Soul Don’t become full of distrust. Learn to trust yourself by growing your self-esteem by knowing your boundaries and values and making a judgement call on inappropriate situations.
@Cece You will often find when you start addressing your own emotional needs and respecting yourself through boundaries that there are other people, besides romantic interests, who may not be treating you very well.
@GymBunny This is great. Keep the faith. Whilst I don’t normally recommend getting in touch to explain, your behaviour was a rapid departure from what he has come to expect from you. Keep looking ahead now.

By: GymBunny

GymBunny — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 09:07:05 +0000

Hi! I posted a few weeks ago & rec’d advice from u WONDERFUL, WISE women. I’m back to report that NC HAS BEEN INCREDIBLY EMPOWERING. I have not felt so good abt myself in years. I got my swagger back.
Before I started NC, I went thru an emotional & spiritual inventory. I admitted to myself that I had been living in DENIAL w/an AC. I decided I don’t want to live a life of denial, like my Mom has done in her life, like she’s taught me to do.
Next, I considered whether or not to tell the EUM that I was done. I went ahead & txtd him before commencing NC because I felt I needed to GET IT OUT. I’ve never gone ape sh@* on him, I’m usually fairly quiet.
As I tapped on my cell phone writing the txt to him, everything boiled down to a few sentences b/c when I thought abt it, I knew HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING w/me, MANAGING DOWN MY EXPECTATIONS, etc.
THIS IS NOT FOR EVERYONE, but I had been such a ‘good girl,’ hoping he, the big shot executive up in his ivory fkng tower to whom NOBODY EVER tells the truth, would finally reward me w/a walk down the aisle or some such ridiculousness if I showed him how much I genuinely loved him by expecting NOTHING from him.
I don’t feel weak anymore. I LOVE who I am today

By: cece

cece — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 05:42:49 +0000

Still in the learning stages of boundary making and respecting – and I recognize that I have two main modes: push away or let you all the way in. With my friends, I let them all the way in …and I mean all the way…I trust completely and love completely. This keeps getting me in trouble cause once my trust is broken – I cut them off end point. Then I start the cycle again. This time, a friend I love dearly hurt me by keeping something from me (dating a girl who was befriending me).
Now I have to figure out how to redraw boundaries, expectations, and be fair to myself in the process (which is also difficult). Breaking bad relationship patterns is hard work.

By: Moving on in 2010

Moving on in 2010 — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 23:37:40 +0000

@MaryC, @Trinity-

Yes, it’s a good feeling to know that this is the last week that the Ex-EUM is in the office. I will still have to see him once a quarter, BUT I can live with that. The time I won’t have to see him is the time I can finally begin the healing process and move toward that happy place in my life that I so badly want. Keep your heads up you two!!!

@Diane-

I definitely made sure that the reason why I was sending the email was to help me move on. When I think back to all of his lame responses to me over the course of our relationship, I realized that it would never change. That is why I specifically stated in my email to him that I am okay with no response from him. So far, so good. He’s actually not answered.

By: Jessica

Jessica — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 22:40:03 +0000

@Trinity, Thank you…I’ll definately be looking up that info. Your advice and this site has really helped shed some light as to WTF this guy was all about. I’ve never encountered someone to his degree as far as the EUM. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 3 year so you’d think I was stronger and could see past his crap. I guess it’s just easy to believe them or at least want to believe them. It’s just so rediculous cause like most posts here…It was rarely prompted, these promises.

I’m really stupid right now because I should have gone with my intuition and just let it go and not try and contact him but I did. And much to my anger and disappointment I used a mutual friend (also a guy) of ours advice and I apologized for any part I was responsible for for the outcome of the relationship! I have nothing to apologize for. I’ve learned to call men on there crap when I see and smell it but I guess little boy’s hearts can’t take the honesty. Good example of crap…him talking and boasting about himself constanly! Rarely did was the convo directed toward me and when it was the convo died pretty quickly lol. Yes, that should have been a HUGE red flag, however, me being me, the considerate and compassionate person, saw this as an effort from him to remind himself that he was the worthy and great person his ex failed to nurture. Yeah.

Now, he’s contacted me and agreed to meet up sometime only after I asked TWICE lol. I’m so inclined to tell him to shove it up the arse! I think I’m simply going to show up looking fabulous, make nice idle chit chat for a half hour then politely inform him I have to leave because I have an engagement elsewhere with someone

By: Trinity

Trinity — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 21:50:04 +0000

@ hAlf happy soul. Thanks glad I helped I know what you mean about the trust thing. Now that I’m feeling a lot better, not completly healed but stronger, more understanding and unravelled most of the confused mess from my head !!! I’m starting to feel a little bit excited by what the future holds, what all these changes might do or mean? I still swing sometimes back to, how will I trust again, can I go through this again and survive. I won’t be dating for some time yet, I have work to do for me. It’s been 5 months since he left and about 10 weeks of NCR. I’m not healed yet but I’m doing pretty good. My next focus or goal is to stop obsessing about him. It’s pretty hard to do especially when u work with your x the thoughts are dying down though take care

By: Trinity

Trinity — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 21:40:09 +0000

@ delighted to be free. Hi there sounds like your boundarys crossing instincts are coming up in full alert. It’s pretty cool how you recognized that it was just the same guy different package. I’m going to remember that, it’s like our x coming back with new desinger clothes on only same drop kick inside !!! I’ve noticed my boundary stuff is starting to come into focuss as well. That is something new for me and undiscovered but it’s exciting and I can feel it’s going to help change a lit of things for me . I live in Australia and the men are just a idiotic, This blog site really is helping us, thanks Nat

By: Half Happy Soul

Half Happy Soul — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 16:20:53 +0000

Thank you Natalie for a great post!!!

Trinity, your comments really helped me, you are right, we have to take a responisbility for our own life and happiness and do not allow these men to spoil our present and future…I was promised so much too, but it was only words, no actions…HE destroyed my self esteem, that I started to think that “I am not good enough” and he was like son of God…It is hard to trust men again…
Hopefully, with the help of this wonderful site, I will feel better…

By: Half Happy Soul

Half Happy Soul — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 16:19:22 +0000

Thank you Natalie for a great post!!!

Trinity, your comments really helped me, you are right, we have to take a responisbility for our own life and happiness and do not allow these men to spoil our present and future…I was promised so much too, but it was only words, no actions…HE destroyed my self esteem so much, that I started to think that “I am not good enough” and he was like son of God…It is hard to trust men again…
Hopefully, with the help of this wonderful site, I will feel better…