Over on AskMen they are discussing Why Women Cheat and naturally I have my own take on it.
For a start, harsh as this may sound to men, it takes a LOT for a woman to cheat. Much like how most women have more of an emotional journey about the act of sex, it’s quite a leap for most women to go from faithful to cheating and creeping. A woman needs to be really pissed off, disillusioned, and fed up before she will open up shop for another man. It’s very rarely purely about the sex, his appearance, or sexual attraction and when she cheats it’s combined with how the experience and the man make her feel about herself, which is clearly a damn sight better than her husband/boyfriend makes her feel.
Cheating for women is all tied up in 1) Self-esteem – Validation of themselves, feeling better than they feel. 2) Feeling neglected and underappreciated, and 3) Revenge.
Women are far more likely to get drawn into emotional cheating first before there is ever any sex involved.
Men often cheat…just because they can. Many men don’t go through an emotional journey about deciding to cheat. They just drop their pants, get on with it, and rationalise the experience as not being that bad and tell themselves they’re good men that are loving and providing to their women. They just need a little something-something… I only have to read the thousands of comments, emails, and forum entries from The Other Women on this blog to know that most of these men aren’t agonising over what they’re doing.
Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) women are geared up for worrying. We may cheat but we’re likely to beat ourselves up for it and it’s unlikely to drag out for a long time. We’ll be more real about why we’re cheating. It doesn’t make our actions any more right but at least we don’t try to make ourselves out to be all singing, all dancing perfect women that just have themselves caught in a ‘situation’.
The 10 reasons AskMen say women cheat and my take on them…
10. Not enough sex. Women like sex but I’m not surprised that this is in 10th place because a woman’s libido doesn’t tend to drive her actions. We don’t go around saying that men think with their penises for no reason… That said, many women do equate how often their men wants to sex them with how much they are desired by him, hence no sex, may translate to, “I’ll go where I’m wanted…”
9. Being the bad girl. Of course there are ‘bad girls’ out there but you tend to know you’re with one from the outset and they don’t just turn into one with a click of the fingers. If a woman wants to sow her wild oats she’ll normally get on with doing it without the excess baggage of boyfriend…
8. Self – Esteem. I would have put this at the top. Self-esteem or lack of it has a lot to do with why we choose partners. We tend to choose people who mirror what we believe about ourselves and who we think can top up our self-esteem and make us feel worthy. Now if the bank of self-esteem has become so depleted that she feels that she can only validate herself based on testing her pulling power with men, he had better watch out. Some women need the constant reassurance that they are worthy and others just need to feel secure. Either way, if he’s not dping this or it’s just never enough, she’ll seek the attention elsewhere.
7. Revenge or payback for wrongdoings. God help the man that goes out with a woman who likes to exact her revenge but the guy has to have really screwed up for her to do it this way. Also see #1.
6. Lack of intimacy. It is not enough for a guy to give the semblance of a relationship because as many women know, you can have the man and have him moved in with you, but if he fails to deliver on the intimacy front, it doesn’t mean jack. Often men think “Hell, I’ve said we’re in a relationship haven’t I? I’ve moved in. What more does she want?” We want to feel connected to our men. We don’t want to think that our men are trapped and can’t be bothered because they think that just saying they’re in a relationship is enough.
5. Feeling neglected or underappreciated. Oh yes. This should be far closer to the top! When women are systematically neglected and disregarded, the man that comes along and pays her compliments, makes her feel valued and desired will tempt her to stray. He’ll feel like a ray of sunshine in what may have been feeling like a dark existence.
4. Emotional withdrawal. Many men are emotionally unavailable and this in itself makes the relationship doomed. If a man can’t access his emotions, eventually the woman will have enough and leave (unless she’s a sacrificial lamb and a glutton for punishment) and sometimes women take the notion of the best way to move on from someone is to move on to someone-else quite literally. As a cautionary note I should point out that most women leave one emotionally unavailable man for another unless they have dealt with the reasons that got them there in the first place.
3. Bedroom boredom. As far as I’m concerned this is the same as #10.
2. Exit strategy. Yes some people shag around as a way to bring about the demise of the relationship but I’m not so sure that this is a mainstay of the reasons why women cheat. Men openly admit that they are cowardly about breaking up especially when she hasn’t done anything wrong per se. So instead they act like a bastard in the hope that she’ll get the hint. This seems like a transference of typical male break up behaviour.
1. Revenge for your [his] cheating. I know someone who cheated out of revenge for him cheating. For a few years. He didn’t find out for a long time. I have to ask, who exactly are you paying back when you sleep with someone else? Unless you dangle it in their face or make them watch, the triumph is rather fleeting…But women do this and even though they may feel like rubbish afterwards, sometimes this feels like the only way that they can heal from what he’s done.
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29 responses so far ↓
1 Nada // Nov 28, 2007 at 4:54 pm
I think there needs to be a distinction between ‘cheating and staying’ and ‘cheating with the purpose of moving on’. It is very rare that people (men or women) *first* leave a partner and only *then* pursue the next one, in strict order of time. Things get messy towards the end of a relationship and there is some overlap. After all, what if it does not work out with the next one? I would not call this - strictly speaking - cheating. On the other hand, cheating with no intention of leaving is a different thing. I am not condemning morally one or the other, just feel they are different, and maybe there is a difference between the sexes depending on the type of cheating. When emotions are involved - other than revenge - probably the purpose is to move on, although the feeling of being trapped (by, for instance, no personal income, children, fear of solitude) can be a reason for deciding to stay.
2 cheekie1969 // Nov 29, 2007 at 7:17 pm
Very very interesting post! (as usual!)
I also want to add that most women, well from my experience, cheat when they are feeling taken for granted. They want and crave the excitement of the beginning of the relationship, when their men were so into them and called all the time, etc etc.
It is more about the self-esteem and attention than anything. For sure. Very few women I know cheat out of revenge. And if they do cheat? It is usually a kiss or two, but lots of emotional cheating. They feel ‘listened to’…and wanted.
Also, kind of ironic, but I know many women who would never cheat on their partners, BUT when they are single will hook up with an attached man. What do you make of that?
I wonder what we are thinking when we do that. Is it a double standard or what? hmmmmm…
3 Candi // Nov 29, 2007 at 10:59 pm
I love this post because you are absolutley right in everything you said!
4 Brad K. // Dec 4, 2007 at 1:11 am
I was told that the single most common factor in divorce is living next to a single person. Which makes sense.
And I think this is a very big contributing factor to cheating and breakup. If you spend lots of time with people that are dating, books and movies about fooling around, or watch soap operas and other shows featuring dating and active night life - you will spend more time thinking about dating, about possibilities, and will find it easier to imagine yourself in a more exciting role.
Spend your time with married people, or long-time committed couples, and you will be focusing your energy on laundry, raising kids, meeting the new neighbors.
At some point, if you want to live mated, committed to each other, or married, you have to take on that life style, and leave the wandering adolescent life behind. Or keep tripping on the boundaries.
5 Liza S. // Dec 5, 2007 at 1:20 pm
A very interesting post. In my opinion, cheating is never ok - whether you’re cheating and staying or cheating and moving on.
6 emmanuekl // Dec 7, 2007 at 2:58 pm
interesting comments although i take issue with the tone - very sympathetic to women who cheat almost as if the men are to blame - WTF !!
7 Brad K. // Dec 7, 2007 at 3:44 pm
emmanuekl - This topic carried over from AskMen - where they were pondering why women cheat. This thread has pretty much stayed focused on that single question - What are the factors about why a woman cheats on the average relationship?
Since you raise the concern about whether cheating is ever OK, I imagine that some of those that cheat feel seduced, overcome by events. Some feel they are making the best of a bad situation, possibly ranging from caring for themselves to taking revenge. Some probably find a situation available and take advantage without worrying about right or wrong, or who gets hurt.
Most people that have never cheated probably think cheating is wrong, that cheating hurts people. People that have cheated may think it is exciting, or hurtful, or causes a lot of problems. Or find that it wasn’t worth the confusion or the bother.
For some cheating is a life style, for others it is a mistake that happened because of improbable circumstances.
How many other, related, relevant topics would you like to see presented, about cheating? Without even getting to when and where it works best, or worst? How to stop? Whether to confess? Find out if your significant other is cheating? Whether to confront, ignore - or condone. If you are upset that there was no blanket, wholesale condemnation of cheating, that was one of many things that weren’t said here.
I personally believe it is better to leave than to cheat. Cheating, or other deception, gets to be a habit. None of us are responsible for ‘teaching a lesson’ to another adult, nor are we bound into unsafe or abusive situations. But then I am a romantic, a dreamer that thinks more people find happiness when living honestly, respectfully, and with discipline (the will to complete a task), and choose honorable people to share their lives.
8 Jeannie // Dec 16, 2007 at 3:53 pm
I have been recently tempted to cheat. I do love my husband very much but don’t receive what I feel is the necessary attention that I crave so much. I do feel unappreciated and neglected on an emotional as well as a physical level. I don’t wish to hurt my husband nor do I feel it is o.k. to cheat. Any feedback is welcomed.
9 Brad K. // Dec 16, 2007 at 6:01 pm
Jeannie, Sorry you feel neglected, and that you miss the dreams and cuddling that drew you into trying the whole ‘get married thing’.
Cheating can be a big step, or fall, for many people. Like losing your virginity, you can never really un-do the damage to your honor, the vows you took at your marriage. And recall how difficult it was to find a guy to marry. Consider how many fewer guys about your own age, that were once acceptable to date, that have since married, acquired baggage or bad habits, or otherwise become less than ideal companions. At some point, I suppose you could get drunk and fantasize that you cheated, but that probably won’t help much ..
You might observe some of your closer friends - married friends, that is - and see how they have formed friendships and connections to people, participate in group activities, maybe some volunteer work with people contact. A part time job at a place where *good* people work - no gossip, no naked ambition, friendly people.
And you might encourage your husband to spend more time with married friends than with single friends. Single people don’t make much time in their lives for others, and their actions affect those they associate with. If his single friends don’t leave time and effort for their relationships your husband will likely also stint family time, in response to the peer pressure.
If you notice that he seems to have run out of chores, or immediate activities - suggest a walk, or game of cards, or bowling, or a simple fast food meal out together, something that enables a quiet, random conversation. And if he spends nights out with the boys - insist that part of the time the boys be married, with not a single guy in sight.
I imagine your immediate complaint is about intimacy - both communication and skin-to-skin. But I imagine any real progress will start with some minor changes, like just being aware of how you spend your time, and who you spend most of your time with. And if the issues include more work time for inadequate income, or difficulties at work, there may not be an easy solution.
Just my own, perverse way of looking at things - I would check out a book on massage and pick up some sunflower oil or genuine massage oil, focus on quiet looks and attention rather than ’sexy’ toys or clothes. Get him thinking about generalize stimulation, and he may be ’stimulated’ elsewhere somewhere down the road. What you want is more relaxation, non-verbal communication and closeness with you. Not the hot chick down the block, or that works in the next department. You want his attention reoriented to the comforts of home. I think of this as looking for comfort and joy, and accepting the loss of most of the excitement. (Excitement, to me, usually has an element of danger, or pain. Joy is a simpler appreciation of beauty and life.)
Luck!
10 julie // Dec 17, 2007 at 5:01 pm
Thank you for this well written and interesting post. For me cheating is never okay but it was very interesting to read some reasons behind cheating
11 Dr. Bruce Ally // Dec 17, 2007 at 11:43 pm
Re: Women Cheating
The reductionist approach that you have taken with respect to both women and men cheating at best minimizes the complexity of human behaviour and belittles members of both sex. Whereas a freudian perspective would suggest ego conflicts and unfulfilled odepul or electra complexes This is somewhat corroborated by Erickson who defines it as the individual not having individuated through all the growth stages. By contrast an an approach that I in part subscribe to according to harville hendrix @ Harvard U in his course Strategic Imago Therapy the basis of cheating can be located in the individual’s fear of intimacy . By cheating the person has one foot in each door because they are afraid to fully committ to either. In itself this becomes a catch 22 and causes the person to remain in their current situation. That said there are other variables that impact like the persons culture, belief systems, education and internal value system just to mention a few. As a practicing psychotherapist and mediator for more than 20 years during which I have counselled many families in dysfunction, and predicated on the saying that the pen is mightier than the sword I find your writing on such an important topic, one that you could have been a beacon of help to your community quite flippant .
12 Brad K. // Dec 18, 2007 at 12:14 am
Dr. Bruce, Ouch!
Flippant - that means you don’t think we take the issues involved seriously, that we settle for wive’s tales and urban legends about why people cheat. And the conclusions we draw are flawed, because they avoid solving things.
Perhaps. For families, cheating may well be treated under health insurance, or counseling through church or work. For most of us the answers are more primitive - stay or leave. And learn to avoid those people most likely to hurt those around them. There are people in all stages of relationships here, and some of the ‘committed’ couples have issues, or they would be married and have families - and hang out where family issues are hot topics. Cheating is a crossover topic, it causes a lot of pain, and the simplest answers work for lots of people.
It would be unethical for any of us lay people to attempt serious intervention and counseling, if we stumble over our own or our partner’s issues. Which brings me back to the lay person’s approach - learn to recognize what is healthy, fix what you can, and leave when that is appropriate. And leave the curing to the professionals.
At least, that is my thought.
Brad K.
Ponca City, OK, USA
13 NML // Dec 18, 2007 at 1:07 am
Dr Bruce Ally, I think that you have actually missed the point of the article. It’s a direct response to an article that appeared on Ask Men. The reasons for cheating are THEIR reasons for cheating and I have responded to those. This is not a chapter and verse exploratory article on cheating - it is an extended comment reply to a post that irked me. If you read the countless articles on emotional unavailability, commitment phobia, being the other woman, and cheating, you’ll see that I have the one foot in covered.
I’m not a practicing anything, however you are and that’s your business. I’m an ordinary woman who has no psychiatric qualification and this blog is created to give my take on dating and relationships. I actually work in advertising and I’m a mother to a newborn. My only qualification is life experience and observation…
I recognise to an extent where you are coming from but I think the fact that I personally respond to hundreds of emails from both men and women that I mostly don’t print, that thousands of people seek out my opinions on the subject of cheating, commitment phobia, being the other woman, and emotional unavailability shows that I am being a beacon of help to my community.
Brad - Thanks for your great comments. Yours and others responses aren’t flippant and the idea of having the opportunity to discuss these subjects is for ordinary people to find solutions.
14 See Both Sides // Dec 19, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Speaking only for myself as a woman, I wouldn’t intentionally cheat on a partner for revenge, neglect or to feel good about myself.
I’m sure we’ve all had those stupid conversations with partners (early on in the infactuated stage of the relationship) for reassurances or whatever . “Do you think you would ever cheat on me”?
I say the following, “I wouldn’t set out and do it on purpose but I won’t promise anything because you never know what can happen if you’re wasted”.
How can anyone promise something like that? You can’t control everything. Some things just happen. I know it’s a crap excuse but I would like to think I wouldn’t cheat but who know’s…..
With the right situation, mood, chemistry etc. I think it’s quite reasonable for a woman to cheat without it being anything deeper or premediated.
If a partner did that to me of course I wouldn’t be happy but I would rather hear it “just happened for no reason other than being trashed.
To excuse your behaviour by indirectly blaming your partner because you’re feeling unloved, for revenge or low self esteem is a lot harder to deal with because it’s a deliberate act.
Hope that helps.
15 mark // Dec 23, 2007 at 9:53 pm
Jeannie, I hope that you get to read this! As a guy I can tell you that men sometimes need a bump in the head we get to involved in other things and let our home life go to hell. You should take your significant other to dinner and tell him what you feel and most important how he can help. Sometimes saying you feel neglected is not enough. Try to say what you need and perhaps a example what he can do?? Unfortunately I speaking from experience. I am just divorced. She did not cheat but she went to her corner and I went to mine we got further and further appart. but the is history. I hope you great success… Best wishes.
16 Jaded // Jan 31, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Interesting post. I was one who said I would NEVER EVER CHEAT NEVER….I had only ever had sex with my husband of 12 years. He was my everything. The A is now over. It was the single most destructive thing I have ever done. I regret it each waking day. It lasted 8 weeks, we were caught after the “married man” made several slip ups. I am still in counselling trying to figure out “why the hell did I do it!”. For me I have to say I think it was largely circumstances (three close immediate family deaths in a row, desperately needing intimacy from my husband as opposed to “just sex”, low self esteem, and feeling unappreciated, complete burnout) coupled with allowing myself to become “just friends” with a married man, who was experienced in EMA’s (having had several during his marriage - only found that out later) and who had a knack for picking up on my moods and feelings. It was uncanny how he knew stuff about me (not suprising in hind sight as he was one of my husbands friends and used to get “info” about me when they went drinking together) and SEEMED to connect with me. He lavished attention on me DAILY.
My Affair WAS WRONG. I will NEVER go down that totally destructive road again. I accept responsibility, but it was only the support of people on this site, especially OW, who got me through it all, held me accountable and never judged me.
17 mark // Jan 31, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Jaded, Sound like you are getting your stuff together and you ran into a guy that was very much into himself and what he could get. I am sorry to say he is a user to put it nicely. He used the friendship of your hub to get to you… Move on (I did not say “forget!”). You do not have to tell hub about what happen it is not going to fix anything except create further hurts. I would do sit down with him and talk about how you felt and why you went out. That way you can establish a repor that next time you are feeling alone or … you can go to him and talk and hug or whatever the circumstances require. hope this makes sense, best wishes!
18 Random // Mar 23, 2008 at 6:03 am
Jaded,
Infidelity does not define who we are but our humanity after we experience it certainly does.
19 Hot Alpha Female // Mar 23, 2008 at 7:57 am
I think an interesting point that you made is that girls will cheat emotionally first before they do anything physical.
That in itself is profound, because I think a lot of us kid ourselves into thinking that we are not cheating on someone simply because we are not being physical with them.
Both emotional and physical are just as bad. In fact I would go to say that emotional cheating is the worse out of the two.
HAF
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
20 ross // Mar 25, 2008 at 7:52 am
bottom line. nobody took their4 pants off so they could cheat. the cheaters 100% at fault 100% of the time no excuses no reasons they made the choice nobody held a gun to their head they did it because they wanted to and the think they can get away with it. most do unfortunately. making life suck for everyone3 involved eventually. i mean we are supposed to be responsible adults here right?. if i robbed a store down the street and the cops rolled up to my house to investigate i wouldn’t point at my partner and claim it was all their fault. same thing. just stupid to blame anyone else
21 Mad90 // Mar 30, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Sorry, I am new to this site but would like to post. I have been in a serious relationship with the same girl for 3yrs. She has cheated 5 times that I know of right now. It is not my fault, it is hers. I tell her every day that I love her and I back it up with actions. After speaking to her mom just recently, it was told to me that she has never been faithful to one guy. She has cheated in every relationship she has been in. She was over heard telling her sister that you “Don’t trade in your old car until you take the new one for a test drive”. I think you guys need to realize that sometimes, some women are just downright dirty. It goes right to what your morals are. This last time- I was having coffee with her, she was able to look me in the eye, say I Love you, and give me a kiss. 4hrs later she was screwing someone else. I found out later that she had been texting him and planning it all day. She knew when she saw me what she was going to be doing later. I did not see one post here about women not living up to what a man needs, I have never cheated and won’t ever. I am better than that. I could not live with inflicting this kind of emotional damage on another person. Women can make excuses and rationalize it all they want, but there is no excuse. Break up and walk away.
22 Mad90 // Mar 30, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Sorry to be so harsh, but it’s still fresh. I am also really angry with myself for not recognizing that I was being played until it was too late. From what I have found out, this has been going on since about 10 months into our relationship. My personal feeling is she likes the excitement of a new guy but not the reality of a serious relationship. I was trusting to a fault, I never believed she would do this. My brain can’t comprehend the ability to purposely hurt another person this way, and still be able to look yourself in the mirror.
23 NML // Mar 31, 2008 at 7:10 pm
You;re not being harsh; it’s reality. I am sorry to hear what she has done. My post whilst it looks at where either sex can come from when they cheat, is not all encompassing and most of all, it doesn;t excuse the actual act of cheating. Your ex is a liar and exceptionally deceiving and callous. She sounds quite cold and in time, when the dust settles, you’ll realise that you;ve had a lucky, albeit painful escape. The trick is never to find yourself with someone like her again. She will regret her actions one day but right now, take the time to heal and move on. Don’t let her make you bitter towards other women. Good luck.
24 Kenneth D // Apr 2, 2008 at 1:44 am
Brak K. I like your attitude, you are well spoken, and make some really great points throughout your posts. kudos!
25 Madd90 // Apr 19, 2008 at 5:13 am
Hi All. Would be interested in some advice here. I wrote about my experience with cheating just recently here. My ex has contacted me and I agreed to talk to her for a few minutes. When we met she apologized for her actions and gave me what she believes is the reasons why this happened. Basically she said she has been hurt badly in all her relationships so she doesn’t let guys get too close to her emotionally. When someone gets too close, she cheats to push them away. I admitted to her that I still love her, but don’t like her very much right now. She asked me how I could still love her after everything she has done to me. I am not able to put into words right now why I do, but I do. Without hesitation. As far as being able to trust her again???? I told her the only possible solution I can can think of at this point is to start over. Not see each other every day, not talk every day. Start by talking a few times a week, going out on a date every week or so, basically getting to know each other again. Try to rebuild some trust. I don’t know if it will work or not and was honest with her about it. I told her I am not sure if I will ever REALLY trust her again but I was willing to try. Told her I don’t have the answers on how to fix this or where to start. She said she will do whatever I want her to do to prove I can trust her again.
Could I please get some opinions or feed back with what you guys think.
26 NML // Apr 19, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Madd90 - This is one of those difficult situations and the reality is that only you know what you’re dealing with and what you are prepared to put up with. As your girlfriends has a history of behaving in this manner, not just with you, but others also, it is important that you get to the root of her behaviour and ascertain how committed she is to you. Is this the type of thing she has done before, going back to a partner and apologising? And what is so different now? If you would find it easier, it may be an idea for you both to attend couples counselling. I think the only thing that peaked my warning signal was when she said she had been hurt in all of her relationships - is that true? Because if I remember, even her friends and family had warned you about how she treats people, and if she has been behaving in this way in all of her relationships, can she honestly say that all of the partners were treating her badly? At the end of the day, you need to work out what you really feel and whether you can ever trust her again because if you can’t trust and what she has done keeps cropping up, your relationship cannot work. You also need to make sure whether you really love her…or you just haven’t recovered from the hurt because if you do love her, you need to make sure you’re loving her for the right reasons and that she is just as committed and full of love as you are.
27 Kimberly // Apr 23, 2008 at 8:57 pm
I have been married for 17 years and I started cheating on my husband one year ago……it’s the lust factor that I am after and yes I found it, however, it does not last for long with the same man. Now I have to realize that I will end up destroying my what was once a happy marriage if I do not stop……The never ending quest for Passion………I don’t think men realize how much we crave it.
28 Wounded Animal // May 9, 2008 at 5:19 pm
This is a hit piece against men. Your assertion that women only cheat if they’re neglected or “women think of sex as love” is a cliche that isn’t true at all. I’ve been cheated on by numerous times by women who just didn’t give a damn about my feelings. They were keeping their eyes open all the time to find a guy to dump me for.
And there are men out there who do need to love (or really like) someone before they can have sex.
My father used to run a detective agency, and most of his clients were men. The men hired him to find out if their wives/girlfriends were cheating on them, and most of the time they were.
Leave the sitcomish attitudes of “men are scum, but women are perfect” at your doorstep next time.
29 jaded // May 12, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Hi Wounded Animal. This is not a hit piece against men at all. Most of us are talking about our own unique experiences based on our own circumstances and investigating “why woman cheat”. I know that I have been tormented by this question and the fact that I DID cheat - really really stupid move on my behalf - however, forgive me if i believe that after month’s of therapy, soul searching, rebuiding, that I no longer believe I was 100% to blame. Sure I was partly to blame but the married man I became involved with, his Wife, my Husband, we all had a role to play. I too have been “hurt” when on other websites, I have been gunned down for being “the other woman” with no appreciation that we all have different circmstances, and I have been at the receiving end of vicious comments by the “morally upright” who cant understand why a woman would cheat (dont get me wrong, I was one of those morally upright people before my affair - now I have learnt not to judge). You obviously you have been on the receiving end of woman cheaters yourself but not all “woman cheaters” are scum and not “all men who cant find a partner” are perfect. I have no doubt that there are some serial woman cheaters out there who cheat on really decent men, like in your situation, and like us, you are going to have to investigate your situation and draw your own conclusions and somehow get through it all.
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