I often get asked what the danger signals are with men and I point out the key ones in my post on red flags (print and keep if you are drawn to assclowns) and how to spot emotionally unavailable men (print out and keep if you tend to be drawn to the emotionally stunted), but that doesn’t stop many readers from looking for loopholes and making excuses. One of the danger zones is about how your man communicates with you:
Let me be clear. Nobody, and I really do mean no-frickin-body is soooo busy that they can only manage to text, email or instant message you.
Nobody is so busy that they can only bring themselves to call you when they need an ego massage or a shag. If they can call you for a shag or an ego stroke, they’ve got time!
When a man relies primarily on text messaging, instant messenger, and email for communicating with you, it’s not because he’s a new age man, it’s not because the written word is his tool, and it’s not because he is trying to manage his time effectively.
He is a tool! He is using ‘new’ forms of communication to control you and how often you both correspond so that he can control the relationship. He wants to keep at a distance, and it’s likely that he’s emotionally unavailable, an assclown, or both.
He is LAZY! When a man is too lazy to communicate with you properly, why waste the air you breathe on him? Trust me, if lazy communication exists in your relationship, there are other problems lingering there just waiting for you to open up Pandora’s box.
Whatever excuses you’ve been making about why you both spend so much time texting or online – STOP! You are either saying bullsh*t to avoid the reality of him or repeating things that he has given you as an excuse for his rubbish relationship behaviour.
Have you ever spent loads of time analysing an email? I have!
Have you ever reread a text trying to gauge the meaning or read waaay more into it?
Have you spent ages agonising over when he’s going to respond to these forms of communication?
Have you wonder why you have to have conversations with him in a series of symbols and flirty IM”s even though you’ve been with him for 18 months?
Wondering if he has a wife or girlfriend stashed away?
Wondering why it took him so long to respond yet you know he’s been active within on his regular dating site because it says so?
Have you ever looked back on your ‘relationship’ and suddenly realised that you rarely spoke with each other in between meeting up?
Texting, instant messaging, and email are all open to interpretation and it’s very easy to misconstrue tone. If he relies on these means of communicating, you will build sandcastles in the sky because really, when you spend your time reading into things, you can make it any relationship that you want!
It’s one thing if he uses these forms of communication as secondary ways of communicating with you in conjunction with picking up the phone and seeing you face to face, but I certainly would not accept these means as your primary method of communication.
Men who don’t make an effort and who aren’t interested in forging a proper relationship with you will opt for these lazy forms of communication.
You may start out this way, particularly if you meet online but he should want to progress the conversation and let you into his life and quite frankly, men that keep you out are lazy communicators, lazy dates, and even lazier pseudo ‘boyfriends’.
You don’t need to work out the why’s, where’s and how’s and I certainly would not go down the route of trying to force him to communicate with you via other means – why should you have to force him to do something that comes naturally to people who actually want to have a relationship and want to put both feet in?
If this is the type of man you have, consider it a danger warning and start looking at your relationship in a more real light.
So in summary, if he doesn’t progress from these forms of communication – it’s a danger signal, period. If you spend a lot of time trying to figure out what he meant by his latest ‘message’, it means you’re not communicating directly enough and I would also take this as a mega warning signal.
If he only makes contact with you on an ad hoc basis – often when he wants or needs something – and then disappears till his next one line text message or stupid email, danger alert!
If you’re with a guy like this, you need to be asking yourself why you’re prepared to accept virtual crumbs…
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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Brad,
I agree with your post completely.
You stated that we should “pick a guy who isn’t trying to date,” well mine toLd me he wanted a relationship and was in love with me. This is what makes it hard to detect an EUM until after he starts showing his true colors.
Gaynor, It’s about having self esteem and being able to detect the BS. How long were you dating him when he told you he was in love with you? Was it just to get into your knickers? I think we all have that sixth sense and know in our gut if the guy is EUM in some way. I know with my ex, there was a sign after the second date, when he emailed instead of calling to cancel our third date. I had the “epiphany” at that day when the phone never rang (I didn’t think to check the email) and thought WOW, I GUESS HE’S JUST NOT AS INTERESTED AS I INITIALLY THOUGHT. However, after reading his email and then I called him, I glazed the thought and feeling over because I was so CRAZY ABOUT HIM. (Literally, I was CRAZY over him). My point being, I think we know deep down, but for whatever our insecurities are, our fears, our not believing we are worthy to be loved, we focus on their potential instead of the reality and keep waiting for things to change. I stayed with him for 2 years after that…most of it from month 3 on was a rollercoaster ride.
The beauty of this last EUM relationship and this site and counseling and self analysis has shown me that I too was EUM, just not as extreme as the man I fell in love with. This journey has made me grow, and learn to love myself and change my value system and what I find important in a man. I’m still working on it…and everyday is a new experience.
Brad~ You bring up an excellent point with ……”No Contact is a way to defend yourself against someone that you need to avoid to stop the hurting”. I started the NC about 2 weeks ago and he texted again last night but I didn’t reply….yet today I am just dreading addtional texts and somehow it draws me right back into the mind game again! He’s never been quite this assertive in the past but then, I never actually initiated NC before….so perhaps he’s just a little perplexed.
Your comment helped me to solidify why I started this to begin with. NC is NOT supposed to be a mind-screw (for me or him)…..it’s supposed to be the end to a horribly one-sided relationship.
Finally, I agree. I was EUW as well.
We were dating about two-months when he told me he loved me. Big red flag!! We saw one another 4 days out of the week and spoke on the phone for at least four-hours every day. I slept with him before he told me he loved me, I had no intention of gettinging anything serious with him (EUW). We dated a total of three-months, and then I fell in love, that’s when everything changed. It was like Jekyll & Hyde. He was very dependable when we were dating, that is why it was so strange.
I agree this site has really helped me see my ex-EUM and myself in a much clearer light. I will never allow myself to be put in this position again!
Gaynor – my eum told me he was falling in love with me on week three!! i even knew it was crazy at the time but got so carried away in the moment – I must of been so desperate to have someone love me & I he must of sensed that from a hundred miles away! he told me so much b/s yet I happily went along with it, he too turned into a jekyll & hyde around 3 months in (although there were signs there from day one) – on week 3 of no contact at the moment – he still contacted me today though, a text asking me for lunch -last week I woke up to 20 drunken messages saying – f**K you, you took me for everything etc etc etc, I just want it to stop.
Gaynor, I agree it must have been hard to see coming when he was doing all of the right things in the beginning. He obviously shifted his behavior as soon as he felt you wanted him…there are so many of these men out there…they should come with a warning label. I guess we all have something to learn about ourselves from these relationships…I think in the past when a relationship didn’t work out, I would blame myself and then think I had to just be alert to certain behaviors…now I know, I had to change…I can’t be “that pathetic girl” anymore, willing to accept sh** from guys just because I thought they were “hot” and they made me laugh and I had so much FUN…well looking back, it wasn’t all that much fun wondering when he would call, would he keep his word, would he bail out on plans at the last minute, would I keep walking on eggshells not to scare him off, would I continue crying myself to sleep night after night, would I get to see him more than once this week? I could go on…I’m just starting to feel happy again with myself and I know I will never accept this type of treatment from anyone ever again. I also know, to really develop a relationship with someone new, I have to be willing to be vunerable and let them get to know me and share parts of myself that I was afraid to…
Never,
When mine told me, he said I “looked like a deer caught in headlights. It freaked me out, being an EUW and all.
Did the text only request lunch????
Finally,
I am so glad you are in a good place.
I agree they should come with a warning label. The funny thing is is that he has told me repeatedly that he is responsible and it has nothing to do with me, none of the blame game I hear about from so many other women. He knows he is the cause but chooses not to make any changes. His loss!!!!
And you’re right, we have to allow ourselves to become vulnerable to another relationship. Not all men are so screwed up and dysfunctional. The good side to all of this nonsense is that I realize I am finally ready to incorporate someone into my life completely.
Gaynor,
Mine told me “it was him totally, I wasn’t to blame, what I wanted was normal, he was screwed up”, yada, yada, yada…and that used to make me feel that he was a good guy…looking through a different lense today, I think it was all part of the BS act that he has down pat…I’m glad you are also feeling ready for a new relationship…Keep us posted!!!
You too, hon!
Brad, great post, but I don’t agree with what you sais:
“No Contact is a way to *end* your relationship with an abusive, cheating, lying, partner – an EUM. End. As in, you are going to cause him so much angst and pain and frustration he will never trust you again – so you have to mean it when you start.”
You are putting him in the “normal” bucket of men with your statement.
How is she causing him angst, pain and frustration?
Astelle, the frustration and anger are about losing contact – losing control of her. A control freak will take this personally. You are right, an EUM won’t feel hurt that the relationship ended unexpectedly. But losing control, losing that fallback girl, that will likely annoy.
Ah, I see what you mean. Because what ends for the EUM is not a relationship, but control, he will likely be quite willing to let her again give him control over her. He may need to punish her for causing him inconvenience, but that just re-establishes his control.
reading all the above posts i have just realized something..
I met my eum when he was working at a comedy venue he was a comedian there he came up to me and my friends (I didnt know he was a comedian) and intorduced himself etc gave me his phone number and swaggered off. then i met him again that night at the bar and he bought me a drink and told me his gf was there.. other things happened that night but red flags were there .. i ignored them thinking that nothing more will come of this..
when we met up again he’d got rid of the girlfriend but spent the ages over the next month or so blabbing on and on about her till i finally spoke up… but he didn’t have me where he wanted me I didn’t really know who he was as a comedian a blow to his ego that night at the comedy club I didn’t really listen to his act another blow to his ego.. but gradually he sucked me in till I trusted him got a bit comfortable and BOOOM next please..
its funny though because I was the texter .. always looking for that crumb because his phone calls were infrequent and followed a pattern phone call one hi how are you .. blah I always felt like it was a test if i did well at the end he would reward me with phone call number two that he would give me the time etc for our next meet up..
he managed down my expectations to the point where he would make me feel bad if I called him one time he told me off cos he was on his computer … ow he couldn’t take 5 minutes to say hi.. thats why i texted … oh well lesson learnt ……
Gaynor – yes just a text asking if I wanted lunch, no how are you?, how are you keeping?, can we talk? or anything like that – a month or so ago I would of jumped at the chance of meeting him(god only knows why) thinking his text was a sign he was missing me too & wanted to see me – now ive been doing the nc though & im a lot clearer about things, I fully realise, its not about meeting me for lunch or that hes missing me – he just needs to know hes still in control and that im still there, still his fallback girl! he couldnt give a rats ass how I actually am, I had a major hospital appointment 2 weeks ago – there was no text asking how I was then either!! Brad K is right, these men are total control freaks, he cant bare the fact that I am no longer accepting contact & trying to move on – but the blinkers really have come off for me, I know full well hes not sat at home pining for me, in fact ive already been told hes been dating someone else – so why bother me??!! simple, he needs attention, an ego stroke and just to know im still there (just in case!!) , it just makes me so sad that I didnt realise all this alot sooner, I spent 21/2 years of hell with this man and even when I found the strength to move out – a further 3 months on the rollercoaster!!
My stomach is still in knots though as I can predict whats coming next – he will ask to see me over christmas & try & pull at my sentimental drawstrings – I will really really need to stay strong!!
Finally – you feel just like I do now, I am so ashamed at the treatment I accepted, it was desperate, but I really will never let anyone treat me this way again, I think Ive mentioned christmas a few times as i keep thinking its going to break me & I will start to feel lonely and then I give myself a reality check – I was just as lonely when I was with him – in fact even more so as I totally cut myself off from family & friends and he would always & I mean ALWAYS sabotage any holiday or event anyway as he seemed to thrive off stripping me of any joy at all, he ruined the last 2 News Years Eves for me, the last 2 of my birthdays & he spent last christmas in London with friends sending me abusive messages!! – god so why would I be feeling sentimental!!??
stay strong too & keep posting!! x
Brad, right, he will lose the control and convenience of a Fallback girl. But, when he makes the contact does that not mean he “handed” over the control?
How would he justify that to himself?
Astelle – wondering how he would justify his actions is, in my opinion, a question stemming from projecting what you would do or how you would feel if you made contact. If he makes contact it is not about handing over control to, it’s just simply checking in to see if the door is still open. They don’t over-analyze like we do, they just do what they want when they want – nobody else’s issues come into play for them.
Hey everyone
What stage is a person in when she feels so unattractive that she does not want to leave her house. Can’t seem to be happy about anything at the moment and has spent most of the weekend wondering what he’s been doing? I must still be in the beginning stages of being hurt. Honestly though, as much as I try to stop these thoughts, I still have the “if only” or “what if” thoughts run through my mind. Just knowing that he’s already forgotten about me makes that much worse. It’s crazy!! – I mean I would like to get angry about how he treated me, but I end up turning that anger on ME – blaming myself or whatever.
BBP – I agree. muy ex eum just contacts when he feels like, plain & simplly when the fancy takes him, theres no pattern, logic & its simply to see if the door is still open, in the past when I have sometimes responeded to contact – he didnt even bother responding back – it was simply enough for him to know that I had responded & he still had me!! – this would then send me into tailspin & I would then contact him again desperate for a response & even sometimes knock on his door-when I had been the one initiating NC!! I would be sat there sending myself mad thinking – but he contacted me!!?? he must still miss me!!?? why is he not replying??!! it was just plain madness!! thats why I know I must go full nc, I just cant risk going down any of the crazy paths again!
I also think they are just selfish – they have moved on, but boy they dont want you too!
kaite – this is all normal, I felt like this for quite a few weeks (& still have some days when I do now) youve just got to start being kind to yourself & realising that youve been in such an unhealthy situation that your self esteem has taken a complete battering, try not to think about him & start thinking about you (easier said then done I know), but I can say, that reading every single article on this site really helps & so does posting, it really helps to get your feelings out as your not alone & everyone on this site has been in your situation at one point or another.
Katie – I agree with Never.., this is normal and I totally went through the exact same thing. It is your healing time. I think we beat ourselves up so much during this time because of the “what ifs,” since it was the “what ifs” that make you wonder if you were in a relationship or not – and often times we decide that we were not, ergo we wonder why we feel so hurt and abandoned when they are gone for good because there was no relationship, you must be crazy, etc etc. When in actuality, we WERE in a relationship, and it hurts just as bad as any breakup – in fact even more because you were treated badly and disrespected and none of it was on your terms. And since you can’t go off on him and blame him, the only other person you can beat up is yourself — which isn’t the person who deserves to be hurt even more.
You will get better in time. I don’t know what your taste in music is – mine is all over the place, but during my first few bad months, I listened to that song “Better in Time” by Leona Lewis about a million times – and I’m not really a big pop fan. It just spoke to me. Try finding that song or another one, or writing letters that aren’t meant to be sent to get it out of your system. In a few weeks or months you will start to feel the appropriate anger for him, your mind, esteem and ego is just healing right now. You don’t have to stop thinking about him (and you won’t), but you can heal and move on and it will feel better and different.
BBP
Thank you. Your post is very encouraging. I would like to be able NOT to think about him at some point in the future. I remember one of the last few conversations we had and he mentioned that he needed to start making some changes. I guess I was one of them. So, to think EUM’s don’t change – I don’t beleive that
Never,
If you feel weak during the holidays, then you should refer to your recent posts. You’ve come a long way, you know what you have to do. Stay the NC course!!!!
Katie – there was a great post a while back about never having to stop loving your man. I read that one many times, and even now almost 5 months into NC I think about him frequently, even though I don’t want to. I also wish for a time when I no longer think of him, and just like other bad hurts I know that day will come. The more time that goes by, though, the more realistic the thoughts become. Ever see that movie “The Holiday” with Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz? She gets a visit from her EUM when she is about to move on with Jack Black and suddenly she snaps out of it – I just wish that would happen. It may not, but I’m sure there will come a day when I realize I spent way too much time thinking about him and wonder why. And as for the changing I hate that feeling too. He may have changed for now, and he may stay changed for a while, but just like any criminal that has a propensity for breaking the law, you know what he is capable of and there is a pretty high chance that he will re-offend. You might not hear about it, and hopefully it won’t be you that gets to experience the next crime scene. Or, if he really did change, if you get enough NC under your belt, you can will hate him but (at least for me) be happy that he’s not subjecting some other woman to slow, cruel torture we got.
Astelle – “But, when he makes the contact does that not mean he “handed†over the control?”
Nope. Remember he sees the world as something that serves him. When you return to an EUM, especially after an NC, but really every single time you grant him contact – *you* surrender control to *him*. Any contact with him puts him in your driver seat.
NC is meaningful – life changing – for you. For him it is a temporary inconvenience, or frustration, possibly anger or even rage. It takes a lot of time for either of you to understand what it means, that he no longer has control over you. It will take time for him to realize that anything happened. For you, you have to re-learn your own values, and how to make choices and decisions based on your needs instead of what he allowed.
When he actually walks away – gives up completely (may never happen) – is when he admits defeat. He may never understand that he lost control, or that you took control of your own life.
Katie – it sounds like you are in one of the vulnerable stages. You are grieving the loss of someone you loved. Anger is one of the stages from loss toward healing, but hurting and denial come in their own time, and acceptance follows, and after all that there is healing.
Your feelings are yours. Whatever happened, accept that you did the best you knew how. The one thing you really need to change – is how to pick a guy to be with. Pick a mate-prospect. Learn what your own fears and needs and dreams are. Learn what part of you needed and accepted someone completely inappropriate, for a long term relationship. You aren’t looking for a sex adventure – you are looking for a life companion, a mate. Someone that respects himself and respects you. Someone with character, dependable and honest and honorable. Someone caring and compassionate. Avoid disrespectful people. Choose to befriend people of character.
You may find talking to an experienced grief counselor to be helpful. A good counselor can answer your questions, keep your thinking positive and healing.
Blessed be.
BBP,
I think your post was very insightful. One thing concerns me though, it was when you said “you can and will hate him.” Hate is still a very powerful emotion and signifies we are still giving over the control to them. I think a place of indifference is much more healthy, as it signifies we are moving on from these idiots.
Brad, great explanation, thanks. For some reason, I thought that some of them are too egotistical to make contact since they were used to for her to make the contact.
Instant messaging, email and texting were my ex-EUM’s preferred method of contacting me. In the begining this was okay, as it was complemented by phone calls and meeting in person. I so loved getting his texts in the begining as I would read and re-read the nice and naughty things he would send me.
The problem was, this became the primary way of contacting me. I remember being upset and wanting to talk things through but he would only communicate by text. I’d send him a heartfelt message for him to respond with “ok,” if at all. Pffffft!
I changed by phone number so he can’t no longer call/text me and I feel relief. No more checking my phone for his calls because he can’t reach me. Hooray!
My problem was with IM. I would block him, then unblock him and then do it again. That’s how he was able to send me his “miss you” crap. When I took the bait and responded, he would then ignore my text or take very long to answer. I grew tired of his silly game. Interestingly, he promptly responded to suggestive/sexual texts from me, but not to the other mundane questions such as “where is this relationship going?” Oh well!
Now that I’ve taken a step back from the “relationship”, things are sooo much clearer now. How can you woo back the woman you love with a text? Apologise through an off line message. Have a relationship from your computer to mine? You can’t.
If I’m not important enough to make a real effort to be with, then keep walking.
Gaynor – very true, hate was too much, and for the reasons you mentioned. Indifference is best.
Brad K- you are so right, my ex eum hasnt even figured out that he has lost control over me yet – that is why he sends me ridiculous texts asking me ‘for lunch’ – like its the most normal thing in the world!! this just makes me so angry after the way he has treated me & how badley it ended, yet he still thinks that sooner or later im going to give in & agree to meet him and just carry on where we left off, its just mad – cynnie – I agree with you also – if you really loved someone & wanted them back – you would not go about it by text messaging!! it is so absurd – if I had genuine feelings for someone & knew I had hurt them – I would be banging down their door to apologise & try & get them back! my ex sends me abusive texts one week & then asks me for lunch the next – he cant even acknowledge the reality of the situation – the crap I miss you texts no longer make my stomach churn, I just delete them.
I have come to learn that EUM’s are what I call psychic vampires. The reason I say this is because these type of people (can be men or women) are unable to create any good energy for themselves. So they find people to suck the energy from. These EUM’s do have many acquaintances, they seem to have a line on many activities, so they appear to be very social, normal and what not. But I believe this is their false persona, the person they want us to see. This is not who they are at all and I do not think they have healthy family relationships either. They can step out and appear to be genuine, caring and concerned regular folk. They seem to “understand you” like few others do, etc. I met mine at work. His “at work” personality is 180 degrees opposite of who he is after the Mr. Charming departs and you get to see the vampire. But I really believe they are so insecure, and so affraid of someone finding out who they truly are that they must keep up the front. When they retreat it may be to regain their own energies off the ones they took from you, and from others. My EUM said to me on more than one occasion the following: “This isn’t about you, don’t make it about you. I’ve told you how busy I am and how much time I’m NOT getting for myself, which is very important for me to be the person I want to be.”
This stuff is verbally toxic. I did go to NC after receiving this from him in an email along with a bunch of other stuff. 9 months went by I was getting along well and then he contacted me through someone else’s email account because I had his blocked. He missed me, needed me, blah, blah. So I established contact only last about 6 wks before I reinstated NC which I have now been for 4 months.
Better~
That’s interesting about you going so long with NC and then to re-establish for it to only last 6 weeks. I’m only on week 2 and I get more texts from my EUM then I have 6 months combined. I’ve been tempted to reply to him but I’m serious about needing to be treated with respect….so thanks for proving that I can’t reinitiate contact with my EUM. I’m more than certain that if I do, he will ignore me.
And Brad~
You bring such an insightful view point to the mix…..it’s good to be reminded that the EUM does not think like we do….
Better, all his e-mail said is : ME, ME, ME, ME, ME and ME, it is all about ME. Really funny, because if he listen they tell us what they are.
What made you reinstate NC?
He said he changed. Brad is right, men do not change. Don’t be fooled by their words, actions always speak louder than words.
Hi All, I have enjoyed following on the blogs on this subject, particularly since I took part in this game for 6 months. I am reading a book right now and it carries a religious connotation, although I am not the most religious person in the world but thought I would share this and you can take it from there and I found it so appropro!:
Can….the leopard change his spots? Jermiah 13.23
Simply put NO!
Jeremiah 13.23…rather…sorry about that!
one of the most important things that i’ve learned is that words (and texts and email etc) are very cheap, don’t cost anything: they can later be twisted, interpreted or misinterpreted. But actions take intention and will and effort and guts. That’s why I now want to judge men from their actions and not just their words.
BBP: rejoice! I had that kind of moment: one day, a couple of months into NC, I was reading a comment he left to one of his pictures on FB and it was so vain and narcissistic and sickening that I thought to myself “How could I think of being in love with this sleazy scumbag?” and I start laughing and singing and I was in a state of crazy euphory for the rest of the day. It can happen, love yourself and it will happen. Of course sometimes I still wonder if he has learned anything from the experience and sometimes I wish him to be insomniac for the rest of his life because he has realized that he’s the scum of the heart, but this is just a passing thought because a part of me feels pity for him.
But the great thing is: he is not of my business anymore and will never be, ever again!
Sorry I meant “scum of the earth”
Nilondoner-I agree with you. I feel more pity for him and it’s none of my business anymore.
I never want to feel as low as I did with him. He sucked the life and goodness right out of me. It’s way better to be free and actually feel things, have energy, and want to be alive than just plain existing. Existing for that txt msg, that email, IM or whatever.
Actions, actions, actions are everything.
Better – this is exactly how I feel!! I dont think I could ever be as low as how I was with my ex eum – I never want to go back to that place ever again and that is what is making me stick to nc despite his efforts to maintain contact with me – friends & family literally watched as my whole personality changed as he stripped me of everything – confidence, self esteem, energy – everything, im still having down days but like better – I remind myself of all the verbally toxic stuff he said to me when dumping me yet again, it always went along the lines of – ‘I know how much I & us means to you, but I can not comply with your selfish demands & expectations any longer, I need time for me & myself & if you do not understand this then so be it, I am not going to let you manipulate me into feeling guility about not seeing you, I need space & that is that’- this was usually in reaction to me trying to call him when he had gone missing for days on end without bothering to contact me – like better said, it is just toxic, it made me feel so low & bad about myself, as my so called ‘demands’ were nothing of the sort (in fact I was too scared to ever actually make any real demands!!) but he was the master at projecting all his traits on to me (being manipulative & demanding) but I would be literally sick with nerves & anxiety with how he made me feel – I was making myself ill – never again.
Never~ I’m not sure how they could strip all our goodness from us that way. It didn’t happen overnight, but it was like I woke up one day and felt so worthless as a human being. How can one person have so much power over another that way? It’s sad to admit I gave him so much of my personal power. That’s one thing us ladies need to treasure. Our personal power, our core being. We have to defend it, protect it and nurture it.
When we give up our personal power to someone else they will never care for it like we do. It makes us powerless, we have to care for ourselves in a better way. That’s why NC is essential to keeping us safe. It’s not for them, it’s for US so that we aren’t involving ourselves in an abusive situation any more.
Better – I agree, I dont know how it happens, but yes its gradual – I was just in a desperate desperate situation, I could write a book about all the things he did & put me through but worse how sad that I put up with it for such a long time.
Betterwithouthim, What really sucks is that he doesn’t take anything. You give it up. You turn away from essential parts of yourself. You cater to his whims and give up your friends, your life, your loves.
Because you are giving to a perpetual dater, not an actual life partner – you never hit the balance that returns your gifts, you never receive gives from your life mate. You have given yourself away, and it was lost to you, to your friends and family, to your community.
Breaking away from your relationship to a perpetual dater includes having to rebuild your life, your loves, your self, everything that you offered and was judged ‘worthless’. You have to discover the lies you and he told you about what has value, like your self, your loves, your life.
He wasn’t interested in a relationship, so all the gifts you gave, trying to please him, were just discarded. You wasted yourself away. He didn’t take anything you didn’t give.
The trick is to become a person that needs an appropriate partner for a lifetime of love.
“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
“If someone betrays you once, it’s their fault; if they betray you twice, it’s your fault.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt
http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/44566.Eleanor_Roosevelt
That second line from Eleanor Roosevelt is harsh for those with low self esteem, those used to living with disrespect. But the thought applies even to them.
Peace.
Right again, Brad
Brad, right on, he doesn’t take anything, we give it up! That is why NC is so IMPORTANT!
Brad- I think you were speaking about my earlier post of him sucking the life out of me. But in my latter post I admitted to giving up my personal power, that it needs to be protected and nutured by me.
Your comments are right on. And I have that one quote in my wallet “nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent” I bought it at a card shop and refer to it now as a way to keep me grounded.
It’s been a life changing experience for me, dealing with a “perpetual dater” and rebuilding myself. I feel in some ways I was given a second chance at life now, and I’m determined to make the best of it.
You know, one of the scary things about coming into awareness – is how emotionally unavailable I (Fallback Girl) am. I have been known to return assclown’s voicemails with texts….especially if we were in battle. I would reason that I needed a few hours to calm down so I didn’t say anything I would regret. And there is some validity to that – but I imagine that in a healthy relationship – you could answer the phone and actually say that. Wow – I am one screwed up puppy. Mr Unavailable just helped make it easy for me to function this way. Lots of work ahead.
reading these posts make me feel like im not completly insane. I had been in a relationship with a bloke for nine years who in the time we were married a mere nine months cheated on me with his secretary for six of them months. shocking I know! had called time on it went for divorce, divorced the sad looser and spent time on my own enjoying going out and in walks Mr unavailable! Who I thought to be a geniune bloke, ignored any red warning signals like the fact he still lived with the EX but in his own words was over and had been for some time! He wanted out and straight into my house! In he comes he needs to see his daughter he needs to see his family all without me! Dont get me wrong he gave all the talk I need to bring her over- never happenend! His split with the ex was hell and this is an important line to think about ladies why do we conjole with them that there is something wrong with the ex woman? when in hindsight its all the issues your gonnna have to deal with! I have no adversion to someone going out as long as they put time into us! My new line is now when they say She didnt understand me- Its highly unlikely that I ever will either!
He appeared insecure when he moved in in hindsight- didnt quite know where he stood. I had learnt something in the last disaster and wouldnt stoop to conjoling behaviour or texting/phoning and just getting on with my own life! which to be honest unnerverd him even more!
He would see his daughter for days on end and not return and me been a lass who thinks the children shouldnt suffer didnt feel at times to confront it – to be fair tho i did tell him it was unacceptable! We could all do something together – God im a trained nanny and not adverse to kids!
This was over at his “mothers” which in my heart I didnt believe. Confronted it and was told im imaginining things. it all seems like one disaster after another!
He has gone now and I have no contact with him for at least 2 months, I do not believe that everything is rosy where he has gone back to and he will make his own noose to hang himself with. He had no regard for me, his family or anyone but himself! Not even his daughter who he cared so much about- an absolute total EUM!
not quite taken, I don’t understand, where did he go back to?
Did he just move out and you have not heard from him in the last two months or did you cut the contact?
I can’t stop caring about him, despite his unwillingness to commit. There is just something about him that makes me feel so sorry inside that he’s like this. I can move on, and yes, it’s going to be hard, but he’ll always be in my heart.
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