Ex’s tend to throw up more questions than answers. It’s better to get over the desire to confront your ex because it’s a futile exercise which may end up leaving you even more in the dark, or angrier, more hurt, or any number of negative things, but it rarely gives you closure.
It stands to reason that when a break up takes place, the optimal time for you to have any questions answered is when the the break up is taking place, or within the next few days to a week or so. Any time after that and it all becomes rather hazy. Time may be known as a great healer but it also allows people to put their own perspective on things, and much like Chinese Whispers, what actually happened and what they think happened, become two very different things, which of course, will warp your desired explanation.
If you go in there all guns blazing, regardless of how much of a dickhead he is, he is likely to believe that you are a bunny boiling psycho that he’s lucky to have got shot of. Just like the way men have a habit of perceiving simple questions as nagging, this is an example of another thing that he will exaggerate and misinterpret.
If he’s moved on, shouldn’t you? Ex’s are ex’s because they are in the past and if you feel the need to ‘confront’ them, it suggests that your relationship hasn’t ended on great terms, or that you have since found out something that you don’t like. However, your relationship is over. He could apologise and he may or may not mean it, but even if he did, you may find that there is no great wind of change with how you feel about the break up.
Confronting ex’s is often about a subconscious desire to interact with them, to have their attention on you, and potentially remind them of what they are missing. If this is what you want to do, a confrontation is not the way to go about it.
Unless your break up has turned up like a bolt from the blue with little or no explanation, it’s likely that you have all of the answers in your own eyes and mind without him ever opening his mouth. On examination of how you have truly felt over the last few weeks or months, it’s likely that there were some signs that all was not well in the garden of love. All that aside, it’s his actions that do speak louder than his words, and if he’s been behaving like a total sh*t, what more do you really need to know?
Confronting your ex is like seeking a confirmation of something through explanation but why do you need them to confirm it? Can’t you draw your own conclusions and be done with that? I don’t deny that breaking up is hard and closure and moving on is even harder, but we don’t all get to have the perfect explanation. In fact, even when you get an explanation, it doesn’t mean that you automatically move on. The only person you have any control over in this situation is yourself. As long as you are being real with yourself and recognising any personal issues that may impact on how successful your relationships are, what the hell do you need from them?
In fact, moving on and closure is all about you. It’s about recognising and accepting what has happened and removing your emotional investment out of that person and situation and focusing on yourself and the other things that matter in your life. Don’t put yourself through the turmoil of confronting your ex because you’re expending energy that is better spent elsewhere. Your ex doesn’t give you closure, you do. Closure is permission to move on, but you can ultimately grant that to yourself.
Add to favorites
Again well said NML.
Let’s face it…when we are in that ‘getting over it’ stage, we make up every excuse under the sun for why we need to talk to the ex ‘just one last time’. Again, its common. I like to think of it as a natural phase of ‘letting go’.
The important thing to remember during this phase is, ‘Hold on to your pride’. No matter how much you want to vent, to make contact, to get the last word in…whatever excuse you are making…Don’t do it!!! You will only feel like an idiot later.
How often have you heard someone say they regretted holding back from confronting an ex? Now compare that to how often you have heard someone say they regretted confronting them.
On hind sight, we always say, ‘I’m glad I didn’t. Why was it bothering me so much anyway?’
NML
Umm, about a simple question being confused as nagging .. usually it is nagging, she is pretending to herself she isn’t trying to correct or change me. Again. On the same topic. Which she hasn’t let me deal with, come to terms with (on my terms), or resolve (to her satisfaction).
Freedom,
If the urge to make contact again is ‘normal’, how is that different from the Denial stage of the common grief pattern? I think grief counseling is probably the appropriate way to deal with a loss, whether the separation is through death or choice. You lost a loved one, someone your body has adapted to and urges you to be close to again. I think one of the sad things is how family and friends tend to downplay or ridicule the very real emotional turmoil that follows the end of a relationship.
Wholeheartedly agree.
Furthermore, never ever confront them when you have been drinking. Not only will you come across as even more sad and pathetic than the ex in question undoubtedly thought you were in order to treat you like a worthless piece of crap, but you will end up crying into a bag of cold chips at 5am moaning about how you will be alone and sad forever, and then awake 6 hours later with a blurred memory of making a complete twat of yourself. The memory will serve to be a painful reminder of a. why you have no self-esteem, b. why you can’t ever seem to find a meaningful relationship with a decent guy and c. why sambucca should come with a sticker warning of the potential nasty aftermath of its consumption.
I confronted and ex, and she said, that she didnt mean to hurt me, and wy was I tripping…I never responded back, it told me that she dont see the reason why I was hurt.
I confronted and ex, and she said, that she didnt mean to hurt me, and why was I tripping…I never responded back, it told me that she dont see the reason why I was hurt. Did I feel like a fool?? NO, bc I got to view how I feel to her even though she didn’t seem to care. Itt will come back to her. SHe went back to an ex she was dating, and didnt tell me until she was deep in the relationship.