Comments on: Why you shouldn’t wait for him to make a decision about you

By: Bubbleboo

Bubbleboo — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 20:50:40 +0000

I stumbled onto this site through a link on a thread in another forum, and I have been hooked all day! I’m so glad to be able to read about others’ experiences, so I don’t feel like I’m the only one in my position. I was pursued by a guy I met on line relentlessly, text messages, voice messages, msn. After about a month, we arranged to go out on a date, then he cancelled (by text!) 2 hours before we were supposed to meet…alarm bells were ringing, but I decided to give him another chance. Promise after promise, he was a future faker – wanting to take me on holiday, wanting me to meet his family. Yet everytime I suggested doing something together, there was always an excuse, be it his children, or work, and when we did meet up it was always just for a couple of hours. Everything was always on his terms, and I got to the point where I stopped asking to go out, or to spend time with him because I knew what the answer would be. And still I didn’t walk away! We’d agreed to spend just one day of the Christmas holidays together; he cancelled, but gratefully accepted the present I’d bought for him, we didn’t see the new year in together. The final straw for me was when he asked to borrow some money, and never paid it back; he conveniently forgot that he owed me, but was happily buying stuff for himself. I felt disrespected, so after six months I committed the ultimate sin of asking where he saw our “friendship” going, and he told me everything I wanted to hear, and like a fool, I fell for it. Except the next day, he’s no longer calling and texting, and when I do catch him on line, he tells me he’s lost his phone!!! This from a guy who loves his phone more than life itself. With no other way of contacting him, I ended it by e-mail, and I wish I had listened to the advice of others who told me just to stop contact, but I felt I had to let him know that I was no fool, and that I’d recognised what had been going on. It hurt like hell for the first few months, and I had periods of self doubt, but I know that I made the right decision, and I pity the next victim that falls for his charms.

By: Jessica

Jessica — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 00:51:26 +0000

It feels really reassuring to read some of these posts. Its funny to read some of the similarities of these post to my own experiences. I’ve been dating this guy for around 3 months. The first thing that I can say is….i’m confused!! It was understood from the start…more or less on his part…to maintain an open relationship. Wasn’t too bothered about that untill he tells me he wants to be my boyfriend and me his girl friend. However, with that said from the start I realized there was something missing….him asking me questions about myself. Rarely was a conversation started about me. There’s always a weirdness to our conversations. It just seeems one sided and slightly awkward. Just today I found confirmation that he lied to me about a party we were both invited to telling me the party was cancelled on the account of rain…yeah. Regardless of the party we still had plans to be together that day and when I asked him what his plans were he said they were up in the air and that he really didn’t have any…..even though WE had plans. I told him I’d buy some drinks and dinner if he’d like but he declined. Today I asked his roommate who was the one who invited us how the party went testing the waters and she tells me it was GREAT and she had a great time. Nice, huh? Before his apt today I left and note to him explaining that I don’t appreciate the dishonesty and that if he was going to lie to come up with a better one and one that can’t be so easily figured out. Discusted. He apearantly found someone else he rather spend the night lol. Open relationship..fine but don’t lie to me. I have no intention of contacting him. That’s his choice and even then I’m not letting this buy use me for a piece anymore.

By: LL

LL — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 23:45:09 +0000

A friend of mine emailed me this sight….my situation is that I’ve been friends with someone for over 2 years now…we’ve done this off & on ‘dating’/intimacy thing as well for the past 2 years…again, off & on….it’s gotten to the point where we’ve had conflicts primarily in social situations….our expectations i guess a bit different…and of course there’s been this emotional factor that’s tied into our relationship/friendship or whatever you want to call it. We have talked about exclusiveness; about a serious relationship…more so on my part because I’m ready….obviously, he is not…he isn’t ready for an official relationship, but is ready for exclusiveness when it comes to intimacy….he is not looking for anyone else, but isn’t ready for a relationship…..we’ve been having alot of serious conversations about everything lately….he tells me he doesn’t want to lose the friendship because he values the frienship, but because we have an emotional connection, it can also cause problems….so he is suggesting that we sit down and have another “talk” and go over all the pro’s and con’s of continuing our intimacy/emotional side….did any of this make sense??……confused LL.

By: Complicated

Complicated — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 17:27:33 +0000

Rebecca,

I would love to know how this situation has played out. Have been involved in a “very” similar situation myself and would like to know how you have been handling it.

Thanks.

By: Jolene Pilcher

Jolene Pilcher — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 16:46:19 +0000

Its been 4 months now of no contact with my “ex”. I’m still looking back and trying to figure out what happened with the entire situation. He was just throwing crumbs at me the entire time and I was trying to figure out what they meant. It was all so confusing. I feel really good about just walking away from the situation, not going back to the place I know he will be at.

But, I still have questions about him, like what was the point? If it was just for an ego stroke or sex, that is very small and petty. Was this kind of thing just an isolated event or does he have a pattern of this kind of thing? I feel like I’ve learned alot from this experiece and this website has been great. I find that other people don’t understand what its like to be caught up in this kind of thing.

In the mean time I have been keeping busy with family and friends, and hoping someday I will meet someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I’ve had some great loving relationships in the past and I know I will have again.

I think Kim has it right, listen to that inner voice, get out quickly if it feels wrong, or it will only get worse. My inner voice was screaming at me, but I turned down the volume. Won’t happen next time!

By: Kim

Kim — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 00:19:25 +0000

I think at 40 I have just figured out that EUM’s is all I have ever gone for. Every single one. I have lived my whole life thinking, “If I just loved them a little more, surely they will see how wonderful I am!” I have fixed wounded men, paid for things I shouldn’t have, given out compliments when they weren’t warranted and loved a dream.

I just broke up with my recent EUM of two years. I was particularly proud of figuring this one out. If I had this site a little sooner….maybe not…but every time I got away from an EUM it was my decision. Never his. And yet it hurts just the same. And I understand it is this retarded dream I have to be with a man that can never be with me. So this last time, I told him no more, that I knew he would never commit to me entirely, that he wouldn’t move to be closer and that he would never get married. He tried to “rehash the relationship” thinking I needed it to move on. I laughed and said “it wouldn’t do any good or change anything” – including him.

So I am now working on not being the fixer. The person who finds the wounded guy and makes everything all better.

When I start to feel crappy – I read this site and I feel better about my decisions. Also, I need to listen to that inner voice (I like to call her my big sister) telling me to “bail” a whole lot sooner.

By: Gayle

Gayle — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 17:39:12 +0000

LT,

Wow, kinda sounds like my ex. Mine also said that it had nothing to do with me but that he had to get his employment situation worked out, then we would have a future. Funny, I heard he found a position some time back but he forgot to call and work at reestablishing the relationship. (LOL)
I think they throw the “future” in there so that you will continue to hang on. Sick!!!
Does he happen to live in N.J?
It’s funny how they don’t have any money to be in a loving stable relationship but are capable of seeing their friends or other women.

By: LT

LT — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 16:30:47 +0000

The person I was seeing lost his job and everything was going fine but then he started seeing other women. At first I thought it was just to stroke his ego, but then I realized that he was actually dating one of them. I told him to make a decision to either piss or get off the pot, shortly afterwards he told me that he needed to focus on getting his life together because he was one step from being homeless if he didn’t find a job. He told me all the things he wanted to do but couldn’t because of his lack of money. Well he told me he was taking a break to work on himself that it had nothing to do with me, I was great, that we would see each other in the near future.

By: Sharon

Sharon — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 13:11:22 +0000

I was with my ex-fiance for five years, and while I had the ring I never had the commitment. I met him when I was 38, and fell for him immediately. He was great the first year, and then poof – a different man. I found out why recently when a woman named Candy called me to tell me he was also engaged to her, and had been with her for a year. I had been wondering all along why why his actions did not macth his words. I got the message loud and clear. Problem is now I feel old and unattractive because I am concentrating on how he treated me. I know that is not healthy, and need to work on me. Getting to that point seems to be a process. These posts are helping so thank you!

By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 06:39:05 +0000

Rebecca,

Sorry, I cannot help but notice two things that seem stark and obvious. One is that you cannot have the attention or affection for another, nor he for you, without violating your vows, without immense failures of character.

And without character, there is no hope that your feelings are truly love, nor that he would be a dependable mate if you did come together.

People don’t change. If he won’t hold to his marriage, how can you ever believe he will hold to you? If he couldn’t pick a life-long mate the first time – what makes you think he has acquired that skill since then, and that taking up with you will have anything but a horrid ending? And, of course, I have the same question of you, how can you believe that you are picking more wisely today, from within a sworn marriage, than you did before?

Taking up with a married person is one of the definitions of being emotionally unavailable. Rather than being in love, your affection and attention cloak what you are denying – that he is safe, he is unavailable.

You might wish your new guy well, and turn your attention to why you would jeopardize your children’s relationship with their father, or your vows to have to and to hold. You might want to understand why you would take up with someone that isn’t available, safe to play with.

I assume you are unhappy with your marriage, or you would not have fooled around. But there is that doubt, too. If you are unhappy with your marriage – why are you still married? If you are to respect yourself and others, if you were to demonstrate honor and honesty in your life for your children, then ending your marriage would have come first, long before you would have let another catch your attention. Instead you are indulging in feelings and fantasies, and denying the weight of the impact that your actions have on those around you.

The issue is not about how you or he should bear to leave your children for the other. The issue is more about whether you dare risk the morally weak partner that would cheat on their marriage.

Don’t get me wrong – he doesn’t really want a shared life with you. He also chose to mess around with an unavailable person, a fallback girl. NML’s book Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl gives a lot of background, and different perspectives, on how this kind of arrangement is a sign of weakness and problems.

Luck.

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 17:56:29 +0000

I am in love with a married man(i am married to) we have met 3 times since Feb 2009 and would love to be together.
We have been talking since November 2008–then finally met in Feb 2009 for 6 fabulous days.
He lives in England and I live in Canada. I have two children -13 and 9 and he had two children 19(boy) and 16 (girl) He says he just can’t leave his daughter right now-it would be tough to leave wife after 20 years of marriage -he says–but its the daughter that really hurts.
We have a love that seems so grande–how do i leave my kids for him being so young–and how does he leave–says he can’t right now his daughter who is just starting her grade 11. a lot of things i read hear are about excuses with married men–but he does live in another country. Am if foolish to wait for a more appropriate time -its not like he can separate and still see her in the next town every day or when she needs him. Please i need your advise.

By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 03:58:40 +0000

Jayne,

I am not sure what you expected. Few today set out to find a suitable spouse candidate. If you wait to feel that “zing” – you are letting your hormones pick a sex partner, not your head to evaluate the suitability of someone that would be responsible, if sharing your life with you.

Don’t wait for “god to take out the garbage”. Learn to enjoy living outside the dump. There truly are good communities and good people, people that respect and honor character and discipline. That understand responsibility and honesty.

It is interesting that you wait for him to commit. Did you really and truly find him well suited to be the guy you share the rest of your life with – or was he acceptable (mostly) and suitable (kind of)? It seems as if he demonstrated a horrible streak of “undependable”. That is fundamental, and won’t change just because he decides to “commit”. Simple respect for yourself should have told you that what he wanted doesn’t matter – you cannot use him in your life. NML has written some really great material on self esteem, and especially boundaries, that help set the scene to identify the good guys, and kick the bums out soonest.

Luck.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..br: The practice doll =-.

By: jayne

jayne — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 20:22:20 +0000

Once again, the topic is right on,ladies! We need to take back our power, forgive and love ourselves!
I ,too, am struggling, heartbroken over someone who cannot decide , commit, express emotions or communicate effectivley. It is painful and downright insulting to have a relationship w/ someone who is in constant retreat who claims to be unsure of how they feel about you after 6 months !? Saywhat? How can you not know? This assclown is in his 40s and I guess he thinks he’s something really special…who(women???), I ask , blows smoke up these guys asses so much that they can believe they are just fine and can lasoo women in and then distance themselves, keeping them hanging on so they get everything on thier terms??!!! Is it 1956 ? Is it really “a mans’(man-boys’ !)world?!? Say it isn’t so!
I’m just going through withdraw…he kept me connected through text/email(daily) and a couple calls per week… and we saw each other in -person weekly.
Every time we got close he got his period and withdrew or we had a “talk” where he would really hurt me.I felt like these “abort missions” were too painful and after the 3rd(3 strikes and your out, buddy!) I withdrew and haven’t made contact in a month. I pray that god takes out the garbage and that I can move on and attract someone who is worthy of what I have to offer! Good luck, be strong, beautiful and deserving women that I know you all are!

By: Nadiya

Nadiya — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 22:58:50 +0000

Very nice. Was so interesting to read and learn from you guys. Thank you so much for your time and info.

By: txwoman

txwoman — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 15:57:00 +0000

Ladies,
I am not one to give an “ego stroke” to any undeserving a**hole, but if marriage is what you want, why is it up to the man to do the asking? I thought we lived in a world where a marriage proposal could come from either side. Oh, I know, going back to our childhood of our “Knight in Shining Armor” syndrome. Sorry, if I want to marry someone, by golly, I’ll ask him. And if he says “no”, well, bye, bye!