In another excerpt from new ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I explain the assuming that keeps a Yo-Yo Girl (YYG) in her boomerang relationship with her ‘bad penny’ Mr Unavailable. This excerpt is from the chapter on The Yo-Yo Girl, from the section, You’re thinking ‘We’re back together!’, he’s thinking ‘We’re hooking up…’
The biggest question that YYGs ask themselves is ‘Why does he keep coming back?’ and it’s simply because he can. That ¦and he’s the original Dog In a Manger ‘ He don’t want you but he doesn’t want you to move onto someone else who might actually want you and prevent him from being able to have the easy access that he currently has back into your life. In order for Mr Unavailable’s to indulge in this boomerang behaviour, there has to be a facilitating YYG. In fact, Mr Unavailables would not be able to exist and continue with their behaviour if there weren’t Fallback Girl’s ready and waiting to co-manage this dysfunctional partnering.
But as a YYG a particular problem presents itself because other Fallback Girl’s meet a Mr Unavailable, have the usual roll call of issues, break up, and move onto a new Mr Unavailable. With you, you keep bouncing back and forth between the same Mr Unavailable’s because they keep turning up and you keep letting them back in.
You start believing that the reason why he keeps returning is because he recognises that there is more to you and this relationship than he realised.
In your mind you think ‘Bingo! I knew he’d come round to my way of thinking!’ and in his mind he thinks ‘Ah..that Susan’s good fun. We had some good times together. I wonder how she is ‘We should meet up. I’m sure she realises now that I’m not the settling down kind so it’ll be easier this time.
Much like with all interactions with Mr Unavailable’s, whilst they are very good at controlling the pace of things and what you get out of the relationship, you set the tone. He can only get away with as much as you’re prepared to let him get away with.
Mr Unavailable could call you up and suggest you meet up and you could turn him down. You just don’t.
Mr Unavailable could start blowing hot, offer to take you out and end up in your bed, but you don’t actually have to let him.
All it actually takes is for you to repeatedly turn down his offers of ‘reconnecting’, stop slipping him the sex, and basically cut the contact but you don’t. After a while he learns the pattern with you and behaves accordingly.
My Mr Unavailable drives me insane. It’s like he only really wants me when he thinks that being with me again is in serious jeopardy. He’s so intense and full on then and showers me with attention. It took a long time to realise though that there was a pattern to us getting back together. I’ll tell him to get lost, he’d beg and plead, I’d stand firm, he’d leave, I wouldn’t hear from him for a day or two, then he’d call to see how I am, soon it wasn’t long before he’d turn up on my doorstep for a ‘chat’, he’d give it the big talk and say he wanted things to work, I’d take him back, and so it would start all over again till next time. I feel like I’m wasting the best years of my life and it’s bloody exhausting. Yes, I’m still doing it. Karen, 36, via email
It often feels like these guys have an in-built homing device that senses when it’s just the right moment to call and whilst I don’t disagree that men do seem to have a nose for these things, there are some things that send the signal.
You respond when he makes contact with you – This sends the sign that even though you might be a little pissed off with him, you’re not so pissed off that you’re ignoring him, which he also reads as your potential interest in him. He will either blow hot to draw you back in so that you reconnect, albeit temporarily or for some of the colder bastard variety, just responding is enough to make them feel better and they disappear again.
You don’t respond when he makes contact with you ‘ He reads this a sign that you may be getting over him or heaven forbid, you’ve met someone else. This is an indicator to up the contact and start blowing hot to win your attention.
You drop whatever or whomever you’re doing to meet up with him or get back together – This sends the sign that you’re still hooked and that he can have you. You tend to read his reconnecting with you as a sign that you’re getting back together whereas he sees it as the two of you being a bit nostalgic and hooking up.
You tell him that you’re over him, you’re not taken in by him any longer, and that you’re just with him for fun - He reads this as a challenge to prove you wrong after all his ego can’t cope with the possibility of you not being interested. From the moment you’re entertaining him, he reads this as a signal that you are actually interested.
You tell him you’re fine with being friends – He reads this as an open invitation to keep in contact, nose around in your business, and keep an eye on whether you’re moving on. When you treat him like a friend, he challenges the boundaries to see if it’s really the case because being platonic would mean you were over him, hence it’s time to strike.
You’ve improved your appearance, appear busy, and are independent - Another sign that you may be moving on and seeking out pastures new.
You’re an ego massage for him. – If they haven’t got in touch with you because their homing device senses that you may have moved on, they can also get in touch because they may have experienced something that has put a dent in their ego and returning to you makes them feel better and inadvertently reinvigorates their confidence that they’re still as great as they think they are. Maybe they’re being rebuffed by other women. Maybe it’s taking longer to pull his new target. Maybe he’s not so busy at work or with his social life and suddenly feels at a loose end. Maybe he sees that yet another friend has got a girlfriend or has taken the plunge and got married and it challenges his fear of getting close to a woman and being committed. Whatever it is, it’s enough to galvanise him into making contact and you read this as his welcome return. They stick around till they’ve got their narcissistic fill or they suddenly realise that they don’t actually want to be anything more than they’ve ever been with you.
By you reading his reconnection as a sign that things are stepping up a notch between the two of you, the expectations that result of this whether they are communicated or not, put things back in perspective for him.
When he steps back and disappears again, it’s because he is redressing the balance and bringing your expectations back down to a manageable level, i.e. just enough to ensure that should he choose to come back, you’ll let him back into your life. He is maintaining the status quo, again.
I cannot emphasise it enough that when he’s retreating it’s because he doesn’t want to be around so much that you might need or expect something, and he doesn’t want to be responsible.
He really is that Dog in a Manger, toying with you like a Yo-Yo, stringing you along, hogging the manger to keep other men at bay and stop you from making a move, but sniffing around outside the manger because he doesn’t really want you. But he does need to ensure that should he ever decide that he wants you, albeit temporarily, you will take him.
Your thoughts?
This excerpt is taken from the chapter The Other Woman from my new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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nml
my eum says its my sense of humour that he enjoys and that is why he keeps coming back. he has always been polite and complimented me, treated me well but said it was only for fun. i however have not been so nice, on one occasion i put a bag over his head (even though he is gorgeous) and told him i didn’t want to look at him, hen he got upset by it, i retorted, well im not that cruel i didnt tie it. i also told him i didnt want to know anything about him because i new i would become attached and i new he wasnt in it for the long hawl. i did fall in love but i do think it was more with the idea.
david lisa is a parasite she gives you nothing in return.you are not causing her cruelity she is a spoilt brat and has seen a way to get what she can from you stop giving and start living.
@ David, Your comment said “One of my closest friends read her email ..”
Please be careful about gossip. We need friends to confide in, but we also need to avoid gossip. Talking about others’s faults, or even blessings, is a bad habit. We often inadvertently injure those we talk to, those we talk about, and ourselves. In addition, our words often affect others, and can influence and hurt still more people. One of the things I like about Baggage Reclaim, is how we leave names out, even fictitious names, of those that contend with our own issues. This anonymity focuses on the issue, lets others relate to the kinds of things “that bozo” did.
It is easy to stray from “so-and-so sent this awful message” to “What do you think of this email from X?” The second starts getting into asking for validation – you want someone else to also blame X for a mistake or bad behavior. This is something you do with a paid counselor – although the emphasis should be on what you choose and do, rather than what someone else did. Getting into the details of the other people involved is always going to be incomplete and often erroneous – and distracts us from learning about ourselves, and choosing wisely for ourselves.
Engaging in gossip about X will refresh or restart emotional attachment. Stick to “this happened to me” with friends, stick to how you feel, and keep the details to a minimum. Or your friends will think you want to keep the topic alive, and show their interest toward you by reminding you of X and the nitty details. Gossip is *not* harmless entertainment, healthy, nor is it growth opportunity.
@Debs,
I think we all really want to be with good people. The tough part is finding people that really are good to be with – and avoiding those that aren’t good for us.
You did notice, didn’t you, that when you told him “no” you said, “maybe later”? When you sent him the picture and joke, and told him that should do “for awhile”, you are telling him there will be more later. Simple words, like, “No.” don’t imply there is an ongoing relationship. Even “I’m busy” with an Ex says that he might be convenient later when you aren’t busy.
This might sound picky, but dealing with an ex takes a lot of thought. You are protecting your health and happiness. A bit of defensiveness is appropriate, including using clear signals and language that doesn’t imply a relationship.
Think of others – a friend, a neighbor – that you can share an evening with, or a movie or a quick meal or shopping trip. You don’t have to wait for a date to talk to someone, or to share an outing.
Luck!
NML:
You are absolutely correct about the passive aggressive behavior. Last year at Christmastime, she sent me a card with the “your old friend” line and her telephone number to elicit my sympathies and having me think that it was my fault for losing touch with her. Your point about passive aggressive behavior is insightful, as I had not thought of it like that before, and I’m definitely going to look into that subject matter more so that I can better understand it so I don’t repeat things with either Lisa or anyone else. I also see what you mean by the 1% contact because it registers with the EU person that everything is ok when it is in fact not ok. With regard to your parasite comment, I’m not sure that I can be that harsh with Lisa but you may be right. She does, at least, appear to have some parasitic behavior. When she gets her ego fix, she leaves — maybe more like a vampire. LOL. I believe that many EU persons appear to either be narcissists or have narcissistic traits — everything is about them and how you affect their world. It’s not a two-way street and the only thing that ever registers with them is cutting-off all contact. It is very paintful for me because a long time ago, Lisa did help me through a couple traumatic events in my life, and several times, she was the one I thought of when I was going to the ER and thought I might die, so she did mean a lot to me — the most to me — but subsequent behavior, disappearing and coming back as my “long lost friend” several times is unhealthy. While I do not judge her for anyone else’s actions, her father has been married three times and had multiple affairs, and he even resigned from his high profile position because of allegations of sexual harassment. So that is a bad dynamic that she grew up with and is a warning sign. In fact, a close family friend who worked with him told me to stay away from the family. And earlier this year, and I’ve known Lisa for 11 years, I learned that her son’s father is not her ex-husband (who apparently had cheated on her first but she returned the favor), and one cannot trust a cheater. Lisa was not even a faithful friend. And NML, you are absolutely correct about proper boundaries. There are a great set of books by DR. HENRY CLOUD and DR. JOHN TOWNSEND called BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES IN DATING, and SAFE PEOPLE. I highly recommend their books as their books have helped me alot. There are also alot of free advice on their website at http://www.cloudtownsend.com. Thank you NML and God bless
Hi Brad:
Thank you very much for your very helpful advice. I will use it as a guideline in the future. And I see how the use of even a first name can keep the attachment going, so in the future, I’ll just reference my EU friend. Thanks again and God bless. Brad, I often look forward to your posts as I have found them very insightful. And I see what you mean about addressing the issue so that way we avoid the continued attachment to the person.
Deb:
You are probably right about you not being able to hurt your EUM. Because an EUM has narcissistic traits, if not a narcissist, the EUM is not in touch with his own feelings and thus no one can really hurt him. And the EUM is really incapable of love because he doesn’t love himself. The EUM does not internalize things, and thus needs external responses to guide their world. It is actually a very pathetic existence, but WE DIDN’T BREAK THEM, WE DON’T HAVE THE RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX THEM.
Deb, you are right about my EU friend appearing to be a spoiled brat because her behavior and comments often reflect that type of behavior, and it is a parasitic one-way street with her. When I really needed to talk with her to straighten out a misunderstanding of her mixed signals, she was “too busy” — unavailable to me. And so now, I’m going to be unavailable to her. People do reap what they sow. I was tempted to send a sympathy card to her because I saw in the paper today that her grandmother died, but that would only prolong things and at some point, we simply have to make the cut with the person and go by the NO CONTACT rule.
brad
i see your point i spend time with my kids and thats who i turned him down for and i let him no it. i dont think my eum is smart enough to read deeply enough into what i say to conclude that i left an opening, and i will not be showing up, but i am not going to be rude or blunt if i do not need to be, i still hang out in the same crowd as him, and i no that is just his way of remaining friends, we will not fall out but we will never be more than friends again. i have made that clear and i know he will not push me.
David
i would send the sympathy card and then end things. that way it doesn’t look malicious. death is something we can not control.
see i know i am a softy, but i would make it my last contact and go out on a high note.
i like to keep my own concience clean.
Hi everyone – thank you all for your replies. It’s great that people were so willing to chime in and offer advice. Everything you say is true.
I haven’t responded to his call and I won’t. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t a struggle though.
However, last night, I stayed in, had bath, a glass of wine and relaxed. I had a great night’s sleep and I woke up feeling much more relaxed and much less anxious about his call to me on Thanksgiving. I went for an hour’s swim this morning and have been thinking about your words of wisdom.
NML is right. I have been continuing the cycle of contact. He is provocative but he’s not pro-active. He provokes so the other chases and makes contact. In any event, I am done.
Today’s post is spot on with what I am going through. He hasn’t changed. I’ve seen a lot of evidence in the past week of that fact. If I were to reach out to him in hopes that now he is sincere in wanting a relationship with me – that would be like – walking across the street when there is a big red hand light on, and oncoming traffic. All evidence and actions say he is the same guy and I would be setting myself up for a fall.
Further, even if he was sincere (which he is not) – who cares? He had his chance. People don’t change that much. His being sincere today would slip. Old patterns would re-emerge and I’d be hurt once again.
For the rest of the weekend I am spending time with family and getting ready for my holiday party this coming Friday. He won’t be in attendance – YES! My holidays will be free of him – and the rest of my life.
Thanks again everyone!
David, I recommend that you read my posts on passive aggressive behaviour http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/passive-aggression-in-relationships-part-1/
David, do not send a sympathy card, where would you send it to?
To her? Unless you knew Grandma and can send the card to her house, the family house you shouldn’t do it.
You are right, everything revolves around them, what they want and need, when they want and need it. They have narcissistic traits, unless diagnosed can’t really call them a narcissist, but I think they are. You can’t hurt a narcissist, there is no empathy, but they do “feel” when their ego gets hurt or they run out of ego strokes. Any type of contact gives them an ego stroke (what a pathetic way to live!) and once you cut the contact, silence is what they understand loud and clear.
No contact is so important because these people will try and come back when they need something, going thru a dry spell. It is all about attention – again what a pathetic way to live.
When I first posted a reader told me about narcissist, back then I didn’t understand, now I do and keep in mind when they return is it all about them and not because they are sincere now. May I ask how old Lisa is?
Ashley, may I ask how old the guy is?
I know age doesn’t make a difference but I somehow feel that they get worse with age.
Debs, Brad is right, a clear “no” would be better.
NML, thank you for letting me know about the posts regarding passive aggressive behavior. I have already read them.
Deb, I’m going to send the sympathy card. It is the right thing to do at the moment, and I’ll feel better. And I’ll send it to her home. Astelle, I understand your points and especially about empathy. Empathy is now one of the things that I look for in a person, so I don’t repeat the same thing again with a different person that I did with my EU friend.
The age of my EU friend is 41.
David, why do you feel you have to send the sympathy card?
Are you sending the card to Lisa??
Have you ever met her grandmother?
Astelle – my ex EUM is 45. He’s a very very immature and selfish 45.
Ashley, I find this interesting that “most” of these guys are in their 40′s or even 50′s, that makes me believe somehow that age plays a huge factor with these guys and women of course.
Funny thing happened to me today, I got an e-mail from a guy (48 years old) today, we went on a date in June 2007 – 2007!! and he cancelled the 2nd date because of a headache.
I haven’t heard from him since he cancelled the 2nd date and I did not make contact with him either, thank goodness I didn’t.
So, what the he*** is he contacting me for 17 months later???
I can’t really say if he is an EUM, just met him once
my guy is 28 im 41
death and sympathy is repect. maybe its an irish thing but its different you give it to a foe
Oh Debs, he is 28? is your story posted somewhere here?
I hate to comment without knowing your story, because I feel that a 28 year old guy and and a 41 year old woman doesn’t sound to me that he is an EUM. I really don’t want to hurt your feelings, but can you give me a quick re-cap on your story.
I understand that death and sympathy is respect. But you said it is different if you give it to a foe, that is why adviced David to send it to the Grand ma’s house and not to Miss Attention seeker Lisa.
Debs, he was “watching” you since YOU were 15? How old was HE at that time??
I was reading your post from Sept 12th, OMG, what made you to get involved with him at your age?? You expect more from him than he is able to give you, I don’t believe he is an EUM, you are his neighbor to get together with and have some fun, who doesn’t like to have fun?
He is too young and I believe he never had serious attention with you and you should have let him be with people his own age.
You read way too much into it.
You were something to do for him, please date men your own age that are more compatible with you.
YEAH, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutscher, I can see that somehow, but it is not the norm.
I can remember when I was in my 20′s, people in their 40′s seemed “old” to me.
I don’t want to be mean, but please consider his age!
@ Astelle, Freud would likely say this is a parent-child kind of relationship. Yet there is another dynamic here.
Most guys in their 40′s that are dating – have been dating awhile. Aside from a few widowers, most have been through (or caused) some bad relationships. They carry idiosyncratic defenses and scars, likely imperfect understanding of themselves and the responsibilities and aptitudes of a healthy relationship. There are likely lots of exceptions, but most won’t be dating.
The younger partner may be naive or not, inexperienced or not. But they often have fewer battle scars. And those interested in dating an older partner often have fewer delusions about physical attractiveness.
Cross-generation dating, like other cross-culture relationships such as interracial dating, pose challenges to a couple. But the individuals facing those difficulties will do a lot more searching for their own answers and a lot less assuming than those that stay within their own culture or community – or age group.
And I have seen a few older-woman, younger-man couples work out excellently. It can happen.
@ Debs, Whether or not your guy is emotionally unavailable – did you read what you wrote? “he .. said it was only for fun.” *sigh*
You either have respect for him and for yourself, and you believe the words he says, or you consider his words to be lies – and have no respect for him at all. If you don’t respect him and consider him a liar and stay with him, you aren’t respecting yourself.
So the big issue is – are you only “in it” for fun? If you want something more, the security and intimacy of a long term relationship, or the exchanged responsibilities and richness of a mate, then you have to choose a mate-prospect. You have to wish this guy all the best, and let him go. Do your grieving and healing. Then, choose a partner with an interest and qualities you need in a mate.
I find the incident with the bag over his head particularly disturbing. It is like you are passively-aggressively trying to be ugly to him so he gets scared or angry and leaves. If you are done with the relationship – tell him you are done, and leave. Take control of your life, and follow your heart and your head.
sorry guys i was talking about 2 guys one my eum and two a guy who asked me out who i knew was going to be an eum so i backed of. i have never actually posted my whole storey but here goes.
i met my eum 3.5 years ago. he is mature for his age, i on the other had may never grow up.
i dont look or act my age, no one that meets me believes my age, most of my friends are aged between 20 and 30. i dont try to look young i have always been like this.
when i met him we became friends instantly, we stayed friends for about 18 months, then one night out of the blue we kissed, i did protest using the age thing as an excuse. but he said it made no difference, my friends both the younger and the older ones agreed.
if you saw us together you would think he was older.
i had just com out of a long relationship, so had he, we spent time together chatting, we have so much in common and are very alike, we gel of each other. as i mentioned before, he never lied to me and i was honest with him, i can tell him anything.
he is a womaniser and freely admits it, i new it and never believed he would change, but my feelings for him grew. he is very charming.
for a long time his friends and mine tried to get us together, we both fought it, but we always ended up together, we keep the same company, and we have a mutual desrepect and respect for each other.
we would have seen each other everyday even if it was just to discuss the weather or the lack of it.
or relationship was just fun he cried on my shoulder i cried on his, we listen to music together, we watch tv together, we bbq together, but i felt my self wanting more, i new that if i got what i wanted i would some how spoil it, i also new that he wasnt ready to give himself to someone fully, i also new that i woudnt except anything less.
i got more from my relationship with him than i ever did from anyone else, because it was so honest, but i only got what he wanted to give when he wanted to give it, and it was never enough, though sometimes it was too much.
he did all the things i ever wanted and i was blown away by it.
is any of this helping do you want more
on another note his family think we are well suited and so do mine. if we go to parties and we are not together people always ask why.
if i am not out he checks to see if i am okay, if iam out even if its not with him he checks that i am okay.
i know you guys think age is a big deal in this, lots of our friends are the same age, and several of them have asked me out, i have always said no, so im not just looking for a toy boy. im not looking for anyone. but with him i am like a moth to a flame and vice versa.
he has dated women older than me and i dont really date, tell the truth i cant be bothered with the game playing.
he and i dont play games.
his father refers to me as his other half. i dont want to justify this because age aside the relationship just cant happen he is an eum and will not change, and i dont want him to.
ok gonna put myself up for a good bashing here.
last night the electricity in our area had a fault, everyones power went off except mine for some weird reason. my best friend who lives next door came in to boil a kettle and use the phone. an hour later my eum called in for some company rather than sitting on his own in the dark. he was going to a party, which he invited me to and i declined saying we had a movie night planned, which we did.
he went to his party and when it was all over he arrived back to mine, saying he thought the power would have been back on, which it wasnt.
i let him stay over.
nothing happened, he did try, and i said no, if you want to be my friend then be a friend, if you want anything else then you should leave. he said sorry and then went to sleep after telling me all about the party. (remember with no power i was the only one in the street with heating, and last night was very cold).
this morning, he woke up we had coffee, he thanked me very much, he then got ready for work and left, he called me a star.
i did feel exilerated by the fact that i was strong and stayed within my own boundries, and even better i felt no regret at turning him down.
he has just sent me a beautifull text thanking me for being there for him and saying that he would have understood if i hadnt have been. i do not feel used or abused in anyway. and the fact that he thanked me for doing something i would do for any friend makes me feel good about myself. also the fact that when i said no he did not make me repeat myself the way he would have before, and he didnt try to charm me, i saw respect on his face.
i think we have turned the corner.
your comments please.
Hi Deb:
If I remember correctly, I believe that your situation with your EU person is different from the usual because you are also neighbors with him and so some contact with your EU person may be inevitable. On one hand, it does seem like you are making some progress and if that is truly the case, you are to be commended. However, it does seem in a sense that you may be playing with fire — hoping for him to change. I did the same thing with my EU friend. When I got back into contact with her after Christmas last year, we talked about the problems that we had before — communication and lack of respect, etc. I thought that things were better for a while and — guess what — the same thing happened again. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Please know that I am not here to judge. You have to do what is right for you. I am just trying to point out a possible pitfall. I am concerned about your reference to “we have turned the corner.” I hope that everything works out for you. I am concerned that you may be re-playing the same vicious circle over again — kind of like the movie “Groundhogs Day” — just with a slightly different twist. It is good to hear that you kept your boundaries. I do get a sense that there is some ego gratification on your part from his continued interest in you. I realized the same thing with my EU friend. Something inside of me felt very good when she contacted me, etc., even though other parts were not so good. Just be careful, Deb. God bless!
David
Debs, you are trying to do something really tough.
You did notice, didn’t you, how much time and thought you have spent on this series of contacts? Socially things appeared to go well – yet you are getting “thank you’s” and accepting them, out of all your neighbors, he got to spend the night close enough to express an interest in intimacy. He thought of you as a fallback place to crash ..
Healing-wise, distraction-wise, and being available and open to a rewarding experience with a healthy partner wise, I suspect this incident has to qualify as back-sliding. This was not a big problem, but still a reason for a bit of concern. I mean, he did get close enough you had to tell him to back off. Letting him get that close is troubling.
by turning the corner i meant he now gets it we are just friends.
i would let any of my friends stay over under those circumstances and did offer my other neighbour the same but she has a family and just borrowed some heaters and lamps in stead.
if either of them or anyone else had of tried to take advantage i would have shown them the door.
i believe in karma and i am a kind person.
I would too help a neighbor, just not the one that I was sleeping with.
Hi everyone. Debs, I’ve been thinking about your comments and the time you just spent with your ex EUM. I think you are playing with fire. It struck me that you said you felt “exhilarated” that you could handle the situation and were able to turn him down and remind him that you are only friends. To me, the true mark of being emotionally “over” someone, especially someone with whom you didn’t have the best relationship is – indifference.
Usually, by the time I reach the “indifference” level with an ecx – “being friends” isn’t appealing to me. I think – “he’s an ex – there is no reason for him to be in my life” and I am comfortable or plainly indifferent to having him in or out.
So, what I’m trying to say is if your ex had stayed at your place and you had felt that it was a “ho hum” event, I’d be more inclined to think you were in a safe place. But since you felt a high – it makes me worried that there could be another low ahead concerning your feelings for this person. That’s just my opinion.
My ex-EUM called me at work this week. I didn’t recognize the number so I picked up. He was acting all charming – luckily I had a meeting in five minutes so I was only able to chat a couple minutes and then cut it short.
Unfortunately for me, it’s still a struggle to walk away from him and not chase. I had my Christmas party last night. It was a fun time. He did not come – I knew he wasn’t coming. There was no one there in whom I was romantically interested. It was a really nice night with friends. But I felt like something was missing. I wish that wasn’t so – but I am used to desiring someone or doing a little chasing.
This morning I slept in and have wrestled with the idea of making contact – and I have NOT. I came to this site instead.
Brad said something very perceptive. Whatever he does with others is not really the issue for me. For me – it’s the fact that he’s not there for me when it counts. He makes teasing little contacts but when push comes to shove and I REQUEST contact – he never comes through. Also very telling is he is NOT requesting to see me. It’s as if just his calling and talking to me is the contact he or his ego needs. Seeing me isn’t the objective.
And – I have been thinking – “Well maybe if I suggest seeing him one more time – maybe THIS time he will meet me and maybe this time we’ll establish the relationship we’ve never had but I’ve always desired”
And that is just FANTASY. First of all – he knows how to ask for that – and he’s not. He also knows that’s what I want – a relationship (if not from him from a man in general). And finally, after nearly three years of this type of banter – it’s time to just end it.
So – I will continue my weekend – NO contact. Spend time with true friends and connect with my community.
I’d appreciate any words of wisdom or strength or support – it’s really helpful. I’m thinking if I can get through December and January with no contact at ALL – I’ll be in the clear and done with my feelings for him soon enough. And maybe even feel indifference.
Ashley, Sorry this weekend, and the days ahead, loom so hugely before you. If all else fails to distract you, try something new – visit the hospital, or old folks home. Maybe try a new recipe – after inviting a friend over, so you concentrate on pleasing and amazing your friend, instead of someone that might have been there another time, but we won’t got there right now.. There are parks to walk through, there are libraries to lose yourself for 20 minutes or a couple hours.
You might even try something really outre – write a letter to your family or friends. It is amazing how close you can connect with someone, through the written word. And a hand written letter can be amazingly personal.
Joy to you and yours!
i woke yesterday morning and just realised this weekend just past was the second anniversary of our first night together meaning that wednesday night was the calender date, i didnt catch that till it was pointed out by a friend. they think he new this (he is good with dates) and that he tried to play me. it has wiped the smile of my face. i dont like being played.
Debs,
What he does, why he does it – these are all in the past. For today, take him each hour by the hour. Don’t remember what he did, don’t worry about why, don’t react beyond the immediate.
That is, keep your shields up, don’t let him close, and don’t be any more inviting to him than coldly polite. Just pretend this is a guy that will take advantage of you if you let him – he isn’t a stranger, he is someone that has done you over in the past. He doesn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt, ever. You don’t have a reason to doubt him. A stranger might be a friend you haven’t met – this is a guy with a record, a user, someone that is harmful for you to contact, or to listen to. Consider him “Pollen” and that you have developed an allergy to him.
Golly, I hope you aren’t one of those people that think sneezing clears the mind or something.. I never did understand about snuff. Just avoid him, and you can let all the pondering and angst fade away.
If you are talking about him with your friends, that gets to be gossip (one of the true social evils), and keeps the emotions about him all roiled up. Just a thought!
Hi everyone. I made it through the weekend – no contact! One observation I made while I was holding back from making contact was I was trying to answer the question “why do I want to make contact with someone who always lets me down?” There were a few times I fought off the urge to make contact – and they were always when I was having fun and had something exciting to talk about. I was feeling good and wanted to reach out to him – and this is my thought – in hopes that my positive energy would make him react positively to me and make him want me the way that I always wanted him to want me. Or – the other thought was – I was looking for someone to reaffirm in me feelings of self worth. Which is a self defeating behavior because I wanted to seek them from someone who doesn’t consistently reaffirm my feelings of self worth and does quite the office. So I have the urge to chase after something unattainable and damaging to my self esteem.
So, I just processed these thoughts and didn’t make contact. And went about my weekend – which was luckily very fun – filled with contact with good people, friends and some worthwhile and healthy endeavors.
I’m really seeing clearly that I need to work on feeling good about myself and not look to others to provide that feeling of self worth. I can’t get it from others. And especially not a guy that is emotionally and physically unavailable to me. As long as I do that – or continue to want to do that – maybe it does mean that I don’t have high self esteem. Why would someone with high self esteem look for reassurance from someone that doesn’t give it to them on a consistent basis?
Just my thoughts for the day – this site has been a life saver in recent weeks. Have a good one.
I meant to say “self worth and does quite the opposite” (not “office”) Freudian slip there I think!
Ashley – you could also have wanted to share joy that you find, with someone you cherish. Someone that you consider part of your life.
What you might consider doing is to record these moments. Many people use Twitter for this, but some of the historical methods are more meaningful – and less likely to be abused. Write the moment into your journal. Capture the moment in a photo. At the end of the day, write the joy into a letter to a loved one. Just think how you treasured the last hand written letter you received. With practice, you, too, can create a legacy or at least touch someone.
The point is continue looking for and enjoying happy and rewarding moments. The trick is to substitute a reaction that helps you grow in spirit as you express each glimpse of glory for yourself and others.
Enjoy the day!
i agree with brad he has a record and is a user, and he used me to get to me.
ashley it is hard not to share your joy with someone you care about, to see them smile.
Ashley I can understand that feeling. It is so hard just having someone who is a main character in your life essentialy killed off. It has been now 8 days of No contct for me. He has tried to contact me several times but I have now blocked all of him numbers and emails. It is easier for me that way so that I don’t have to resist answering because he can’t call me. This does not prevent me from missing him though. . .the other night I went to this bar that I knew he would love. It was so his style and I wanted to call him and tell him about it and how we should go there. . .And at work today I had my best sales day ever. It was so something i would have been so excited to share with him. He is so ambitious and our careers were always a point of discussion. Obviously I can’t call him or tell him about it. It made me focus on the fact that it is really over and he is not going to be part of my life anymore. Last night he tried to call me from his secretary’s cell phone. . .I did not answer the call. I had this feeling of relief though, which scared me. I was glad he was still trying to get in touch with me. . .that he was trying harder knowing I had cut him off. I mean this has all happened many times before but I still thrive on the validation that he is trying to get me back. I can’t quite get to that point. . .the point where I don’t care if he is trying to get me back or not. . .the place where I don’t care what the hell he does. . .I know it had only been a week but it has been 2 years of inconsistant behavior, broken promises and BS.
Thanks Stephanie. I’ve now made it 10 days and two weekends of no contact. Within those 10 days I did look at his facebook page a few times, but I haven’t looked in at least 4 days and I am really trying not to. Because that is a form of contact – I am keeping tabs on what he is doing or who he friends with/talking to, etc….
Actually accepting him on Facebook was a good thing because it has illustrated in plain view what a sleaze bag he is. Before, I really didn’t know the extent of it (and I am sure I still don’t). I would always make excuses and had extremely rosey tinted glasses about his true character.
Also what has helped is that I am being very social, going to lots of holiday parties and seeing friends. I am meeting new people and trying to keep everything breezy and fun right now. It’s actually attracting a lot of positive energy and people into my life.
Finally, I met a new guy, but it was really just a fun night. However, I didn’t do anything I wasn’t comfortable about. I had a good night and he respected the boundaries I set and I told him in advance what they were. He seems like a good guy and it was exactly what I needed to erase or severely fade the memories I was hanging onto with my ex-EUM. I’m pretty positive there is not a future with the guy I met the other day – you just sort of sense these things. However, I had fun and it really helped me shut the door on the ex-EUM.
Now, I just need to keep it up, maintain the no contact. And, live my life in a positive manner. I just have to keep the faith that if I act open and available, at some point I am going to interact and attract another open and available person and a healthy relationship will be possible.
Ashley, accepting him on facebook was a good thing? How? Why?
I agree. Remove him from your friend list.
Stephanie, you said “It is so hard just having someone who is a main character in your life essentially killed off. ” Instead, try to think of it as, “It is so hard just walking away from a main character in your life.” The difference? You chose to take control of your life. You made the choice. You stopped depending on Bozo to define your feelings, and your days. Instead of some monster fate stepping in and unexpectedly ending his involvement in your life – you made the choice. You are ending the hurt he has been causing to you.
Luck!
Ashley, I would re-start your NC clock every time you check on him. Visiting his Facebook page is re-opening wounds, you are still using him in your life. And accepting him on your Facebook page – that is morbid, more like gossip. You need him out of your life, reminders of what he is up to do *not* make you a better person, they don’t help you forget, and they don’t help you learn about why you chose someone dysfunctional and disrespectful in your life.
Work constantly to keep the relationship garden weeded clean. Encourage the gorgeous blossoms. Forget about the blooming idiots.
what a weekend he made contact every few hours over trivial things, texts phone calls and actually coming to the door. i answered the texts politely but coldly, everything else i ignored. i even stood at the window where he couldn’t see me and watched him knocking my door, i didnt answer though.
i found the whole thing very difficult, because my mind began to race and run away with me.
i just feel so confused. what does he really want.
I hear everyone in what they are saying about Facebook and agree that viewing his profile counts as contact. So – ok – I’ve done 5 days of “no contact”.
Accepting was a good thing because it allowed me to finally force myself to see him for who he really is. Before I’d listen to his excuses and flattery and would believe it. Now I get to see who he’s friends with, a friends told me about the message he sent to her and, there is just no way for me to live in denial anymore.
In any event, he and I did not have a real relationship and it was more of a friendship that I pushed into something more. He went along with it after a lot of flirtation and my essentially provoking him to start dating me. I know this sounds like I am taking all the blame. Fact is, had I listened to him say – I am not a good boyfriend, and I think we should just be friends – I would have never wasted my time on him for nearly three years.
What’s done is done and I am moving on.
I see that if I don’t plan on having contact with him ever again, then there is no reason to have him as a friend on Facebook.
I do still hope that we can have casual contact and that I can just put this all behind me. I will never be with him again physically, nor do I or will I ever again think of him as a potential romantic companion.
Yes, I realize that the above is probably not possible. I realize that I probably will delete him as a friend on Facebook in the upcoming weeks/months. However, I’m not ready yet. If I were to delete him now, I think I might regret it and go back to regular contact. If I just leave him there, not look now, I’ll delete when I am ready. Writing this, I can understand if you read this and not think it makes sense.
We have a lot of friends and business colleagues in common. Can’t I just move onto a healthier life without him without having to do something so dramatic as deleting him from everything? As long as he doesn’t affect me – I’m thinking that should be ok. Again, I am not sure if it’s possible to have someone like him never affect me emotionally, but, I am willing to give the theory a try.
Oh – writing this all makes it sound like too much effort even to me. I’m curious if anyone has experienced something similar and what was the result?
Ashley- I am certainly guilty of checking on the facebook profile as well. . .I did however unfriend and block him from viewing mine and I am going to stop checking his. . .it does nothing positive for me. I am struggling with no contact. . .I am certain I will not make contact with him but just thinking about ignoring him if we came face to face seems impossible. I decided last night I have to put it all away. . .The further he is from my mind the better. . .I am going to take every picture, old t-shirt, gift box it all up and put it far back in my closet. I hope one day this will all be such a ridiculous distant memory that when I happen upon the box again I will just laugh at the whole thing and say “what was I thinking”? . . . I am doing the “new” guy thing too. It is nice knowing I have so many other options out there but also difficult to step into the unknown when I was so comfortable and used to someone else. I thought about buying my new guy a gift for christmas the other day but as I was looking I just kept picking up things that my EUM would have liked. . .I just couldnt do it. I left the store and decided Im not ready for that kind of relationship again and that I want to keep some distance from this new relationship moving too quickly. It is nice to have the distraction though and what is probably the strangest part of it all is that this “new” guys behavior really opened up my eyes to how badly my EUM really treated me. The difference in the amount of affection and respect is pathetic. . .I hope that this clarity will continue and over shadow how much I miss him. It feels like it really is “it” this time. . .I just keep telling myself. . .”I wont fail, I can’t fail at this”. . .hey. it worked when i quit smoking. . .its just another unhealthy addiction that adds nothing to my life.
Brad- Thanks for the flip on that thought. You are right thinking about it as my choice makes it much more empowering and positive rather then a loss.
i would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very merry christmas. i hope you make your wishes wisely, and i hope they all come true. may you all have good health and people you enjoy around you. thnk you for being here for myself and everyone else you have helped.
merry christmas and happy 2009. xox
It is 52 days since I decided, I was fed up with being the “yo yo” woman. Every day brings differant emotions. Im ok one day and crying the next, looking around at all the things he did for me in my home, outside my home, and even to buying me a tv, etc.. no end to his gift giving…Why he did that and cheated on me and lied is a mystery to me…This site has helped me so much , I read it every day to remind myself that a 5 yr relationship, of on and off, want you this week, or next month, than becoming cold and distant. this from a divorced man of 56 yrs old!! .I knew from word around town, that he would be with someone for a matter of weeks and it would be over..than he would charm his way back into my life… I said before and I will wonder forever why this man spent thousands of dollars on me, buying me things! His idea of a date was to walk around and shop till he dropped, I found out he took pills for no good reason, he smoked, and literally spent hrs shopping on line and emailing the women even on the buying sites.. I admit I snooped… and I think his financial situation will prob get pretty bad, What happened to really end it were some things I found out, and a habit that creeped me out, I found a series of sex emails, lots of them,to young girls, and others of all ages, and one of his sites said (teen pron) and over the last six months I noticed he stared at young girls, and mostly 3 to 4 yr. olds, He did this about ten times.. I spoke to him about it and all he said was, “well you are the only one who says that is creepy… I than decided to try and cut him out of my life, as he was starting to also raise his voice to me and try to control my clothes, my food, and made fun of me a few times….I agree with Brad on one point and that is if I run into him, I will not acknowledge that he is even there, I will if he approaches me give him the “steely look” I may go home and cry about it after but I will do it. This is the hardest thing Ive ever done in my life, I still feel lost, but now I have another feeling.. and that is I will get my self respect back .
What I left out was, He, and his sister (whom he tells everything to) and he is on the phone long distance 3 to 4 times a week with her and his parents and they live 2000 miles away… The all blocked me off of thier facebooks ..I have met these people and his parents treated me very well…His sis only bothered with me if and when I was with her brother, other than that she ignored me…I will also wonder for the rest of my life… what the heck was wrong with me? why didnt I end it sooner.
Sara,
Sick! I would inform the authorities on this guy’s sick behavior. I think when you have those feelings of loneliness you should remember he is a pedophile?
Another thought I have had is.. was I being unfair in being creeped out because he admired little girls? but than I think about when we visited friends or relatives, which happened frequently he would immediately zero in on any “little girl” who was there, and follow her around and tickle her and tease her non stop… and talk baby talk to her and take so many pictures of her, I would have to say “STOP” enough already, you have enough pictures of her…
Sara,
Do you really need to ask this question? Not only is this man a cheater and controlling but has a high probability of being a pedophile. That should say it all!!
Gaynor.. I was going to send his sister an email and tell her everything, and how disgusted I was, but than I realized that this was a form of “contact ” and thats why I didnt do it, as she has emailed me and asked me to be patiient with him, that he is having a hard time not knowing what he wants out of life… I ignored it. I have to cut all ties…but Im thinking of doing something and havent decided how to go about it..
Sara,
My only contact would be to the authorities.
Yeah, this makes sense. There was countless times when he tried to manage down my expectations. It left me very confused and felt helpless wondering what I was doing? But, in reality it was him who had nothing to offer and it was me who was in denial. Like one poster said in her childhood denial was a way of life, mine too. I just wasn’t handeling these situations because realistically I needed to heal. I will no longer be anyones fall back girl, yeah right!! I can recall a time when we were in the car and he was telling me he wasn’t ready to get married for a long time and he didnt want that, just very outright stated that… granted I was in my early twenties but I was so used to being accomindating to these assclowns… now I would be lke “and what do you have to offer… goodbye!” how dare I let a man treat me like that… I’m so grateful for knwing better and being better equipped but it starts out bc you are ready to get real about getting real.
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