Comments on: Guest Post: Women Who Don’t Leave

By: leanne

leanne — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 04:45:06 +0000

Donna,
I do appreciate your candor and honesty with which you write. At the time of this post, I have three beautiful, strong, intelligent girlfriends all struggling as you are- and as I have. Relationship decisions are difficult when time is a factor, as you stated, shared moments, history, friends, family- all merge in the path of years shared. My heart goes out to you. There is no easy answer, when lives and hearts are concerned. You have my prayers that the answer becomes very clear.
Leanne

By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 03:27:23 +0000

Donna,

A couple of thoughts. You are unhappy that he said he would support you if you decide to leave. That may be (possibly) an attempt at self-sacrifice. He may feel it is his duty to allow you the choice, unhampered by what he feels. Whether this is true, or he really doesn’t care, the results will look the same.

The other confusion I notice, is about him completely ignoring you when you are upset. Some families do that, partly to allow privacy for feelings, partly because of a belief that only calm people can be ‘rational’ and have anything worth saying or hearing. And, too, some guys pick up gossip, innuendo, and movie plots that show ignoring an emotional woman is ‘manly’. I don’t know how you might go about breaking into assumptions like that, but I suspect it doesn’t mean what you have been thinking it does.

I hope your story has a happy ending, somewhere. Blessed be.

By: Donna

Donna — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 03:03:33 +0000

I’m 51 and my husband of 25 yrs is 54. The mental abuse a man can render is so insidious that here I sit, after 25 yrs of marriage and wonder how I’ve managed to stay sane. I’m married to an emotionally/physically unavailable man and until these past 3 yrs. which I’ve endured some of the worst losses and situations of my life have I realized how alone I am. I’ve sought out personal counseling for myself and though it validates my feelings and gives me strength, 25 years is a BIG investment and awful hard to walk away. So much plays a part. I’m no spring chicken anymore! Fear that I could go from the frying pan to the fire in the realm of the dating world. History and comfort zone. I know and am very familiar with what I have. We share a past of family, friends and experiences. I am aware of my situation. I have to weigh and balance cutting my losses for the great unknown. And yet I know I’m enduring terrific personal emotional harm in such a way that I cannot escape unless I physically leave and yet I still love and care about him. We are on our third time around with marriage counseling and each time he says he doesn’t want a divorce (not so much with passion that he doesn’t want to lose me ..more like it just doesn’t fit into his schedule of things to do). He’s told me he wouldn’t stand in my way if that’s what I wanted. Nice huh? 25 yrs. and I get ..if that’s what you want go for it. Like it doesn’t really matter one way or the other but I should be the one to do the leg work. Tears have no effect and I am completely ignored when I’m upset about anything. As I read the other posts ..If I knew he was physically cheating on me it would be a deal breaker for me. That’s concrete evidence. What I’m dealing with is not something anyone actually sees physical evidence of but it is just as hurtful to the woman in the marriage that longs for a deeper, personal, caring relationship with her longtime spouse but will never experience it. Women as a gender I think are so strong. Strong in their compassion and unity of sisterhood. We can reach out and it is met with sympathy and compassion, if not understanding. I thank you for the opportunity to share and hope others will speak out.

By: leanne

leanne — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 00:17:28 +0000

I am writing a book as well, about men and dating. I can understand why a woman will stay and stay and stay…. (my boyfriend of six years habitually cheated and became an addict to cocaine..I excused his cheating because I thought if he just got treatment for his addiction he would be “normal”) and in staying, became numb- completely devoid of emotions. I lost my sense of reality and what was “normal” along the way. To the point that I didnt know how to be in a normal loving relationship. It was quite ugly for me personally to admit that this bum I had been excusing, forgiving and covering for, was lying to me all the time. And I had to do that to move on. But it felt like all my realities had collapsed along the way. You have to understand that a woman who stays in a cheating relationship is being victimized. And like a battered woman, she is bearing the scars of power and control- though like many abused women, she will defend her abuser- all because her sense of reality is lost. Her self esteem is eroded, she to stay must numb herself of all the feelings she has of pain, or the pain becomes to great to bear. Stay and be numb and keep him, hoping he has changed this time? Or leave and hurt and now function as a dehumanized person with little self esteem? Both are very hard for a woman who has been emotionally abused. And that , frankly is what serial cheating is. It is the act of a man who hates women, not who loves women- it is about using sex for power and control, lacking empathy and remorse for emotions of others, it is abuse in every form. So dont be too hard on these women, what they need, typically is counseling, alot of support, and the understanding that they ahve been abused. This is the premise of much of my book. Emotional abuse is abuse, just as real as physical abuse. And the post traumatic stress syndrome and the feelings of being dehumanized, and victimized are strong in many women who have “loved’ men who serial cheat. Leanne Coffman… Indiana, USA ..great site by the way, ! there is hope, I am finding my way to health, ladies. But it is not as easy as “just leave and move on” for many, many women. I do understand that one.

By: patricia

patricia — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 17:12:41 +0000

Hi Girls
I am interested to know what should i do knowing that my husband has been cheating on me when I confronted him he admited it I had my ups and down for now almost 20 months and I stayed after he said to me that he has stoped seeing this woman , I want to beleive him he comes late from work he travels constantly abroad most of the time I am alone I have been married for 30 years I dont know what to do he is my life I dont trust him but again I can`t leave him I am in hell HELP HELP ( I am 54 yrs old he is 53)

By: Weddings&Wives

Weddings&Wives — Thu, 10 May 2007 15:05:24 +0000

For me cheating is a deal breaker: equality is a core value.
However, inescapably there are often shades of grey. I strongly suspect that my lover of six months has recently cheated on me. There has been denial from him, which I believe is motivated by his desire to save the relationship.

We have entered a period of exploration of our commitment to each other and my boundaries for the relationship have been clearly restated. He knows that if he crosses the line, it is all over. My decision to stick around for the moment is not a sign of ambivalence; I’m not interested in being loved by a player. I’m just exercising my choice to offer a chance.

By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Wed, 09 May 2007 14:02:08 +0000

I think we train our kids to do this.

We send the boys to play football, we act as if the only thing kids in school does that is worthwhile is ‘score’ on the foot ball field. We celebrate the QB as the ‘Captain’. Who only gets to succeed once a week, for a short period, for a couple of years, always with a different ‘opponent’. We teach our kids that that blaze of glory is ‘good’ — we all stand and cheer, it must be so! And we teach our girls to strip down and cheer louder, leading the cheers of the crowd in skimpy outfits. Media, advertising all reinforce the expectation that excitement *should* define the best relationships. That, and repeated conquests. You can’t fulfill the allure of fashion, without alluring someone.

From the outside, a betrayal looks pretty cut and dried. From within the relationship, though, there appears to be a choice: End the relationship and walk away, or treat the betraying act as a violation (of principles, laws, integrity, vows, etc.) and attempt disciplinary action to correct the errant behavior.

Rather than follow this train of gossip (I consider gossip one of the true social evils; nothing good can come of it) and hope for the woman to leave the cheater, acknowledge that both man and wife are adults. They are responsible for their actions and choices, each of them. And support those that you can respect. From the little related here, I personally would not encourage the cheating or his semi-abandonment of his wife, but the wife’s choice of staying or going should be respected. Unless there is danger of physical or emotional abuse, your violation of her choice is a greater ill than honoring her choice.

See, leaving comes with it’s own fears and probable hurts. Picking between bad choices is the responsibility of those involved, not bystanders. But as parents we can try to teach our kids how to manage their lives better. And we can try to live a reasonably good example for our community, family and friends — not to shame or encourage others, but to increase the joy in our own lives.