I need to hear stories od success, i woudl love to hear from women who have moved on and gotten over allof this pain and delusional thinking, please tell me there is life on the other side!

I’m so sorry for what you went through and I know how much it could hurt. You dont need to hear my story, but know this – IT WILL PASS. You just need to brace yourself because the pain will get worse and you will be weak and hope for small doses of him to temporarily ease the pain, but please be strong and know it will pass. Once on the other side, you’ll never look back, you’ll learn to recognise these types in an instant and come out a much stronger woman.

It will pass. I promise. Please dont give up on yourself.

Flicker

You cannot talk, rationalize or argue logically with someone whose character is built on shifting sand. I was 50 when I first had a run in with this peculiar type of lunacy. And that is what it is…. lunacy of a kind that is contagious, makes you crazy. Worse, the crazy making can reduce a strong woman to a weak woman.

You can recover, but you need to get away and stay away. Read about NC. It is hard, can take a good long while, but is so worth it. Good luck and another hug from a New Yorker.

That’s what these guys do, they suck the life out of you. This guy has repeatedly shown you that he is incapable of a loving, normal relationship through hot/cold behavior, deception, lies, cheating, non-support etc….. This man will not change, he has to have some idea that of how much hurt he has caused-I’m assuming you have conveyed the amount of destruction he caused in your life-and yet they don’t seem to care. From one New Yorker to another, please move on from this man as he will only continue to deplete you of any self-esteem you may have left.

I’m sorry for your pain. Hugs.

I met him 9 months after her death. My gut feelings told me it was too soon for him. I didn’t listen but now, I’m not sure it would even have made a difference. It took me over 3 years to finally ‘fall’ for him and once I was hooked and he sensed he was he had no competition, his behavior towards me dramatically changed. I helped him through a great deal of life changes but when I went through my own, he backed off from me and/or most of the time became EXTREMELY critical. The recent episode is with tennis. He is the President of his tennis club. I am the daughter of a university coach and no slouch myself. I have asked him many times to play with me. In 7 years I’ve gotten 3 hours of his time. When I take lessons on my own, he tells me I am wasting my money, or will NEVER become good at it only playing once a week, on and on.

He can be as sweet as anything when he feels he is losing me, and be as cold as an iced heart when I express to him how he hurts me. He involved himself in my life a number of times, only to pull back…just as things were getting real with us. He told my father he wanted to go t he distance with this and have them in his life. He also told my father he would never get married to me, only to turn around a week later to tell me we will be together…that my girlfriend would not be the only one getting married this year. I am the light of his eye one week and then he tells me ‘we are not working’ the next. His birthday card to me stated I was the center of his world and he loved me, and the very next day, he said the words meant NOTHING, that he just had to get a card that said something to shut me up.

We bought a vacation home together in Argentina and the day after I came back from fixing it up and getting renters in there, he complained that my teaching job was a joke and that I did not earn enough money. I might add, he made out considerably due to the unfortunate death of his wife, so much so that he quit his job, floundered around for 1.5 years and finally found something he loves, but only works part time. When I asked for more time with him, he cited my long hours in the office as a problem for him. When I lost this particular job due to layoffs, he went and hooked up with another woman the very same week and claimed she had a career and would never be in the position I am in..that he liked where she was at in life and that she was a GREAT tennis player. He erased all evidence of my existance in his house (a house I spent a great deal of time last years)..just to bring her in. All this happened in the middle of another real estate venture we are buying….(we close next week). I am beyond devastated. The new girl broke up with him recently when she discovered he was not as ‘free’ as he relayed, and he took about one hour before he called me to tell me he was ‘free and solo again.’ No reflection of his own contributions to the relationship mess at all. I have become physically sick over this relationship and have been in counseling for sometime. It hurts. I know where this has to end. I just pray I can get to the other side of this pain and soon. I asked myself over and over how a man can run so hot and cold; so in love and all over me (in public) one day and won’t speak a word to me the next. Tells me we have a ‘special’ connection the day of our co-op board meeting…and we will always be together, and then shhe is there in the house her her there day before, and day after……..and obviously, so little regard for my feelings and the pain when I have once again begged him. I never had any trouble walking away from a relationship before. With this one, I’ve gone from being very secure and the strong one to an absolute pity party that even I can’t recognize. I cannot believe I have changed like this over THIS man. Thanks for your website. I feel some strength here….I know what I need to do. I just hope I can get through these next weeks and get my life back. My self esteem has hit rock bottom right now.
Linda

I have been seeing a man for the past 4 years that i have know for over half of my life (I’m 31). For the past year he has gradually pulled away from me citing that he doesn’t know how to get what he wants with me. His calls became so infrequent and i began saying that i felt like i have to chase him. When we are together the chemistry is amazing and the friendship is deep. i have become increasing frustrated by how he no longer feels that need to call me with any frequency and never initiates seeing me. He says he believes he loves me but he wants space because he isn’t feeling passionate anything anymore. I always give him the benefit of the doubt but my gut tells me that he is no longer in love with me. I feel like i am fighting a battle for someone that doesn’t want to fought for. all because i see such potential for us.
two weeks ago i put in place the no contact rule. but i broke it today when i sent him a funny email i thought he would enjoy. he never responded. i am on the verge of sending him an email again and need the support and strength not too. i am a very sad person.

I’ve been having the same chat with my man for about 7 years………It has been on, it has been off, he’s blown hot, he’s blown cold, he’s disappeared, he’s reappeared, he’s cheated, he’s lied, he’s pleaded he’s changed, I’ve taken his BS and gone back to him time and time again, I have driven my friends demented asking the same questions, when will he change? Never! But he is different? No he’s not. Then one morning when i woke it..a light went on. NO.MORE.

Life is too short. Don’t waste your time on assclowns when there are millions of single men just waiting for you to snap them up!! They arent that great, the sun does not shine out of their bums, they talk a good game and never ever follow it up! These men don’t need women. They have themselves and that is enough! As NML pointed out, these men are overgrown babies with the brain span of a nut!

Cut the contact and don’t look back. I did and I have never been happier! And guess what? He hasnt contacted me once. He really couldnt give a stuff about me!

I think you also need to ask yourself why you would want to be with a man who is so clingy and insecure? Too much work!!! If I remember correctly, it was about all of problems and issues? Who wants that??
Why not look for a man who is secure and not one that constantly needs to reenforced?

I know what your saying is correct, i know i do tend to look back at the relationship in a better light than it actually was however in all honesty we did have lots of good times together and he had many good qualities too (asides the crap stuff that is)… and i guess i just looked at it like you cant have everything can you??

He called it off out the blue, we had lots of plans for the future together and i didnt see it coming, it was not something i would ever see him doing as he had a real insecure side… But i did later find out a few days after that he had been txting and talking to a girl, so i believe thats why he had the strength and ability to leave because he kind of had a back up, otherwise its not something he would have been able to do (he was quite dependant on me).. this is the first time in our relationship we have ever had a problem, or break up or any big issue so it was a huge thing to have happened out the blue..

I believe that when things fall through with her or he gets bored with her the reality will set in and he will realise the enormity of what he has done he’ll come cawling back… but its been about 7 weeks now and i’m getting stronger and dont think i can forgive him for this now…

That’s a long time but don’t let it be a factor.

I miss the man I thought I knew, unfortunately that was not the real person (honeymoon phase). We know these men will not change-unless they choose too-therefore holding on to the good memories is senseless. How much of the time were you questioning his actions and the stability of the relationship? How much of the time were you unhappy, is all the grief worth what little he can provide for you?

I’m curious, did he leave you for another?

We were together three and a half years… I know it sounds so stupid when i say it and think about wanting him back after some of the stuff he does/did or the way he made me feel so crap… but i cant switch off, i was in love with him for so long and i guess i got used to over looking the bad stuff… I miss him in general, i miss his company, i miss the affection and just being in a relationship i guess… again i know its not logical but love never is i guess…

What is it you actually miss and want back? Is the flirting with your friends, the disrespect, staying “out all night,” and the constant drama and confusion? How long were you involved with this guy?