It’s important to remember what we deserve and how we should be treated.

It’s important to remember our dignity and value our self worth.

It’s important to remember that we should not settle for anything less than the best.

You are worth so much more and I truly hope you spend sometime thinking about all the reasons why this guy DOESNT deserve you rather than all the reasons why you would want him! Pump yourself up a little more right now because you are so much more than what you are giving yourself credit for right now! Don’t let him bring you down, dont let him be able to do as he pleases when its clear you want so much more!!!

Goodluck!

That will build you more self-esteem than any outward approval or ego-striking from “him” or anybody.

It takes more courage to challenge yourself to become a fully-actualized person than to “win” a man’s love.

I wasted 3 years of my life with such an ass, braking up every 6 months and then coming back “for the potential”. Well, the potential has to happen NOW or it’s like no potential at all.

He never introduced me as his girlfriend, never took me to his parents, never mentioned the word “we” when talking about the future, and all the while being insensitive “by accident”.

I argued, fought, gave ultimatums, suggested seeing a counsellor. He always agreed with me, saying I was so right, and then went his business as usual.

Some said that we are better investing in ou own lives investing time with our families and friends, developing our self-esteem by taking on challenges such as the career we always dreamed about, the trips we’d like to make, the charity we’d like to contribute to, the schooling we want to complete. This does more for self-esteem than waiting for crumbs from an imbecile.

I have signed an “Abstinence Agreement” with myself in which I promise not to relate to men who are not interested in me, and wrote several other clauses not to act so stupidly.

HOt Alpha Female: could you draft an “Abstinence Agreement” for us to read? You are one wise bird.

It’s true that it takes the drama away. Well thought!

So the meeting today was ostensibly about a project we had worked on together, as well as getting my stuff, and he brought up the joke e-mail. I should say here that I asked for my stuff pretty early on so I could scoot–but he had left it at his office across the street from where we were meeting. I thought–yeah, you planned that so you parade me around your office as another vagina you know. So I agreed to get my stuff after he ate, but I was not going into his office. Anyway, he brought up the joke e-mail and I told him I thought he had been mean and wanted to create drama. Of course he said that he didn’t mean to and wanted to apologize. So I told him he didn’t need to apologize, that I’m over it–it’s water under the bridge. He continue to talk about the e-mail because he says he doesn’t understand–so I tell him that he needs to work that out himself–it doesn’t involve me and I don’t want to talk about it. Then he tell me we need to talk because my feelings are important to him. So I say well it doesn’t sound like my feelings are important if I tell you I don’t want to talk about it and you continue to talk about. Then he say he has to because I’m confused. That’s it, I think. I get up and tell him, I am going to my car across the street. When he’s done eating he can get my things from his office and bring them to me in my car. And I leave. Soon he brings my things to me, I say thank you and leave.

Our ‘friendship’ lasted about six months. I have not wanted to be in contact with him, since the joke e-mail because I finally realized how manipulative he is. He presents himself as a ‘nice’ guy and very spiritual, and is pretty smart. This site has been great to get insight on what i was dealing with and my own willingness to be part of the craziness. I don’t plan on dating for a few months until I get a handle on why I ignored BIG RED FLAGS and settled for crumbs. FWIW, I’m 52, never been married and have had ERMS in the past–so I want to change that pattern big time. Thanks to HAF and NML for posts and the many others who have made helpful comments. This site helped me kick him to the curb without guilt as well as give me some direction on how to change old-old destructive patterns. Thank you, again.

Oh, one last point, this ERM would ask how me how I was, and act like he was really listening/interested but the way I figured out he wasn’t is that he never asked specific questions about how I was doing, like referencing something i had told him earlier, except in the most general way. Friends and people who are really listening will ask about specific things and make specific comments when you talk later or in the conversation. He almost never did this.

I think a lot of us have also been dealing with emotional and psychological abuse. Shelters for women who’ve experienced domestic violence will tell you that even if a woman is being beaten she will focus on the honeymoon period when her guy apologizes and promises her the world. She’ll take the nice treatment that she gets 3 or 5 per cent of the time and ignore the way he is 97 per cent of the time. But in terms of the effects on a woman’s belief in herself, verbal abuse or neglect or push/pull behavior or outright hostility isn’t much different than getting slapped across the face or beaten. It’s a soul destroying experience.

It’s been nearly two weeks since I finally broke off with an EUM. I blew up over the phone. He’d been yelling and curt and downright hostile. It dawned on me that my child’s father (I left him nearly 11 years ago) had treated me exactly the same way and what was I doing repeating that pattern. So I was sad and grieved for a relationship I’d hoped I’d have with a loving, sweet man who I discovered does not actually exist. Then I wrote down all the times in these past eight months he’d made me cry and criticized me and acted inconsistent and unreliable. I though of the times when he stuck me with the bill (I’m a single mother!) and the times we could not get together because it was not convenient for him (it was always about him). His words nearly never matched his actions and he broke many promises. It helps to read what actually happened. I’m nearly 40 but I’d rather be alone than with a man who makes me miserable.

We “broke up” many times in the eight months we were together. This time he’s not calling me or e-mailing. A good thing because even though my gut screamed “Run, run,” he was good at apologizing and charming me. He will definitely be out of my system after a month.

The next time I get involved with a guy I will ask myself continually – is he adding joy or stress to my life. If it’s stress it’s time to go. I just need to learn how to end a go-nowhere situation. I find I’m not that great at breaking things off when I need to.

I too agree that the communication over the vacation was weird.

If something seems off, it means it usually is. Follow your gut!!!

I think we all go through this where we have to learn to trust ourselves including myself. Not only was the Baby/Sweetheart too much, the fact he was keeping in touch on his vacation was a bit much considering you two never met in person. A healthy man would probably just say he will get in touch when he returns to meet for a date… I attracted all sorts of crazies to me when I wasn’t preparred to date…

An affirmation that helped me is:
I accept and trust you no matter what people think or how unacceptable it may be to others, in knowledge that “the only difference between a weed and a flower is judgement”… xo

I think we all go through this where we have to learn to trust ourselves including myself. Not only was the Baby/Sweetheart too much, the fact he was keeping in touch on his vacation was a bit much considering you two never met in person. A healthy man would probably just say he will get in touch when he returns to meet for a date… I attracted all sorts of crazies to me when I wasn’t preparred to date…

I think a guy who is calling you baby and sweety prior to a meeting is waaaaaaaaaaaay to familiar and disrespectful. This is strange and screams of an EUM to me. Big red flag!!!!