Many of the stories that readers share about their relationship experiences, in a nutshell boil down to things not being mutual. Lack of mutual interest, lack of mutual words and actions, lack of mutual values, lack of mutual love, care, trust, and respect and lack of mutual feelings and relationship. Unfortunately, if it’s not mutual, whatever you have in mind for the relationship isn’t going to happen.
The harder you work at what is already on an imbalanced and unhealthy footing is the less mutual it becomes, especially as what you feel and do becomes distorted.
You’ll end up feeling rejected, being confused, in pursuit and feeling like you have to ‘win’ them over and in turn, not good enough, and you’ll get overwhelmed by your feelings if you don’t opt out at the lack of mutuality. It’ll become difficult to distinguish between who feels what and who is doing what.
And maybe that’s what’s so incredibly difficult to get your head around in these situations; how can you be feeling these feelings ‘alone’?
It can boggle the mind to fathom how you can feel something so deep, so all encompassing, so consuming…that the other person doesn’t feel. How can this be? Surely we can’t feel so intensely for someone without having some contribution from them?
It’s like raising your hand and saying “Gimme five…” and then being left hanging, only it’s your heart hanging over a precipice.
When I was with the guy with the girlfriend, believing that he felt the same kept me floating for several months. After that, I could only cocoon myself with these feelings for short periods because I realised that after the Future Faking came groundhog affair masquerading as One Day I Might Get My Unprincely Faux Prince if play my Other Woman cards right.
But then fighting against the realisation that in truth, no matter what he was feeling, it wasn’t mutual and it wasn’t something that actually looked and felt good, kept me holding on for about a year. It felt like I’d been a victim of a relationship-jacking. I’d been robbed! Where was the love? Where was the happiness? Where the frick was my self-esteem? Why was I alone most of the time or living off crumbs and stolen moments and yet in possession of such monumental feelings? And Lord help me, if he’d told me how we were ‘best friends’ one more time, I might have stuck his empty words where the sun don’t shine. These intense feelings and protestations for this ‘amazing’ ‘soul mate’ relationship that never actually was because it never took off and was never mutual were so disproportionate.
Relationships that aren’t mutual are like ‘restricted’ love. You’re never free to just to love and enjoy it. You’re free to let your imagination and even your libido run wild, it’s just that it’s incredibly painful when you realise that you’ve far outpaced reality.
You can be in love on your own but you actually can’t have a mutual relationship, one with love, care, trust, respect and shared values, on your own. Real, mutual love doesn’t have ‘buts’. You don’t need someone saying “I love you but…you know my situation” or “I love you but I can’t give you what you want” or even “I love you and we’ll always be friends but…”
You want someone to say “I love you” – simplicity. After they say it, you continue about your life together, a life I might add that reflects that of two people who love each other mutually. You hug, you kiss, you make plans, those plans come to fruition but before you even make plans, you can even get on and enjoy the simple, normal things that make up the day to day.
There’s no being left hanging. Loving someone that doesn’t step up and ‘meet’ you in a mutual relationship is like throwing your energy into the abyss. It’s demoralising.
It’s impossible to quantify what another person feels and work out if what you feel is what they feel. Any one of us can profess anything we like, hence why love is an action feeling. We see how mutual something is by the results. If you look around and you see the results are, that you’re still waiting around for someone to give you back what you’ve already been putting out, or that you’re in pain, miserable with fleeting highs, or you’re actually regarded casually or as a ‘friend’, that’s a poor result. It’s not one that you need to correct – it’s one you need to opt out of.
“I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over.” Adele, Someone Like You, 21.
The first time I heard this line from the now infamous and heavily played song, I remember thinking that Adele could replace Mary J Blige as being the best Fallback Girl songwriter. And then I thought “How can it not be over for you, if it’s over for them?”
It’s like the relationship ends, or for some of you doesn’t get off the ground, but your feelings continue. You then have expectations that they should say or do certain things, or as Adele hoped, react a certain way and maybe even abandon a current relationship and hotfoot it back to you. You’d rather continue to have these expectations and continue to attempt to make good on them, than walk away.
One of the things I learned about myself that helped to impose an important boundary is that while loving myself is something that I myself can do, I can’t do all or the majority of the loving for a relationship.
This means that there must be proportionate relationship to back up my feelings or the deal is off. This put a stop to all Betting On Potential, being immersed in denying, rationalising, and minimising, and basically compensating for the type of effort that no-one should ever make up the shortfall for. If they’ve walked and moved on or are failing to to give me a mutually fulfilling relationship, I’m not going to fight for something that’s broken by its lack of mutuality.
If they’re not loving you back and reflecting it into a mutually fulfilling loving relationship, it’s time to step.
If you’re saying ‘love’ and they’re saying ‘friendship’, it’s time to step.
If you’re saying ‘let’s be together’ and they’re saying ‘Er…I’m still married/attached/my cats stuck up a tree/I’m not ready for a relationship/I don’t have clean drawers/or whatever’, it’s time to step.
Loving someone alone or in an imbalanced, unsatisfying, often somewhat ambiguous setting is beneath you. Mutual relationships take two and you can’t make someone love you. You’ve tried and it doesn’t work, so don’t continue to force it.
Separate out what you think, feel, see, and do. How much of this is evidentially similar to what they claim to think, feel, see, and do? Remember that love, even when it’s healthy doesn’t make you Siamese twins or Mystic Meg. You can only legislate for you. Love doesn’t create an IOU hence you don’t have to feel like you’re owed if you only get into and stay in this when it’s mutual.
You’re better than this. Pain is not love, it’s pain. Love does not sell you short.
Your thoughts?
Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.
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This is an incredible post. It is so insightful and thank you Natalie for managing to call a spade a spade in a way that doesn’t make me feel like the world’s biggest loser or some sort of uber-idiot.
“And then I thought “How can it not be over for you, if it’s over for them?”
This got to me. I had a ‘lightbulb’ moment recently when I thought “WHY won’t this end? Why doesn’t it ever end?”
And then I realised that it couldn’t end because it never started, despite the never-ending, overly-complicated and extremely painful relationship that we managed to have for two years and that resulted in a child, we were never ‘together’ so there wasn’t anything TO end.
And despite it always feeling like it was over, it never really was because actually, he LIKES having me hanging about ever-ready in the background, just in case things go tits-up with his girlfriend or he needs a bit of a boost.
I realised, as well, that even without the love/sex/relationship aspect, it was equally pointless trying to build a halfway-functional co-parenting relationship with someone who couldn’t give a toss about whether or not I was happy with the situation. And why should he, when I consistently behaved as though it didn’t matter whether I was happy or not?
At any rate, I’ve asked him to sort out third-party pick-ups for our son for a while (during which I intend to get some counselling, break out of the poxy dynamic and develop a sufficient sense of self not to hang a week’s worth of wellbeing on whether or not he feels like having a cup of tea at mine). Part of me is horrified that I won’t be seeing him at all for a while. But most of me feels a lot less anxious.
I spent the first few weeks of my break up listening to Bonnie Raitt; ‘I can’t make you love me’ and crying hysterically. it used to make me so incredibly sad. Any song about broken relationships, loss etc would break me down. My ipod was full of them. As my perspective changed and I saw through my EUM’s bull, I realised that some songs help but if you are in the mindset that without your EUM you will die, you will gravitate towards Adele and Mary J….anything that will reinforce what you believe and stop you from changing.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have ‘pain songs’ on my ipod but now instead of breaking down and identifying with them, I listen, enjoy and then I have a small conversation with myself about the realities of my break up and how that song is not going to change that.
Here are a few songs that eased my pain. These are my go to songs when I am sitting on a crowded train and everywhere I look are couples….happy smug couples that for that moment make me want to pretend my relationship was better than it was so that I can be part of a couple. Enjoy!
1.Bonnie Raitt – I cant make you love me – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nW9Cu6GYqxo
2. Sara Evans – a little bit stronger
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22zB6Soc2Gk&ob=av2e
3.vivian green- beautiful
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqRur_lxJmM
4.Jewel – Stronger woman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QaXr2vGDQwk&ob=av2e
Over here unfortunately all but the song from Vivian Green can’t be played because the music rights are not granted
I like Vivian’s song and will google the other song texts. Thanks for sharing.
I love Alicia Keys’ Superwoman:
“’cause I am a Superwoman
Yes, I am
Yes, she is
Even when I’m a mess I still put on a vest with an ‘S’ on my chest
Oh yes, I’m a Superwoman…”
I am not a native Spanish speaker, but if you understand or appreciate Spanish I recommend Shakira (especially before her current work) because in general even if there are some fall back emotions in some songs she still tends to be clear that it WILL NOT work and that she WILL not contact. (Even songs that sound fallback girl-ish confirm this like Estoy Aqui (In which the song begins I know you are not coming back, everything that happened between us will never happen again) and Inevitable(I know you are not coming back, I know you well)
Her songs have helped big time, especially the empowering ones!
Her best break up songs for moving on imo:
1. Te dejo Madrid.. (I’m leaving you Madrid)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgCh19FJ1hg&ob=av3e
Look up the lyrics but she pretty much says “I know I’ll be well, cats like me fall on their feet..(later she says) I don’t want cowards who make me suffer.”
2. Te aviso, Te anuncio:(I warn you, I announce)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bA6fY8Y3HK4
Where she completely renounces the guy realizing that he has made her ridiculous and suffer while playing her against another woman. “Let heaven and your mother take care of you, I’m leaving, it’s better this way.”
3. Si te vas: (If you leave)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7JFt1tYkcs
To sum it up: You’re leaving me for her.. She actually sings “If you decide yet another time to come back, I wont be here in this place..”
4. La Tortura (The torturer)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyX4hKvXU0w
As the cheater tries to come back she says to him “Man doesn’t live on bread alone, and neither do I on excuses.’
I find that Shakira sings of love, and it going wrong but also of her resolve to ackonowledge the situation and also to move on… I really enjoy her..
This artical could not have come at a perfect time. Its difficult when you realize that you are in a relationship alone. I am so unhappy with my entire situation. After 4 years and a heart full of love for him, he decides he wants kids. I was 45 when I met him and under the impression he was 35. I later found out he was 25 and Married, but I stayed with him. he is deivorced, I am now 48 and he is 29. I have so much anger in my heart that sometimes I can feel the pain in my heart. I mean real pain. I dont know where to began. This artical is wonderful.
This artical could not have come at a better time. It is truly difficult when you realize you are in a relationship alone. I met this man 4 years ago. I was 45 at the time and under the impression he was 35. 1 year into the relationsip I found out he was 25 and Married. From that point he was never really in this with me. Now 4 years later he is 29, divorced and I am 48. He decides he wants kids something I cant give him. He has move on but still wants to keep me. I am in so much pain to the point I can feel the pain in my heart. I mean real pain. I have no idea what to do. This is a wonderful artical.
Angela
“I have no idea what to do.”
Yes, you do.
You deserve a mutual relationship. He’s not offering you one. He would like you to be in a relationship with him all by yourself while he finds a mutual one with someone else. Just say no. That’s all there is.
Jade Sesame your words are spot on. Any decent human being shouldve been able to apologize or at least give an explaination. This is what I struggle with. Why is it too much to ask for? Why is it too much to ask to get dumped face to face WITH answers? It makes me so angry. Why can’t they ever regret leaving us high and dry?
I mean getting dumped by text, you would think I was a teenager. But no! I’m almost in my mid twenties for christsakes. One day I hope I get married and look back on what an asshole my ex was. Like that Beyonce video.
Fedup – they don’t have the answers. It’s not nice to be dumped (sp. by text – it’s cowardly) but there’s never an easy and painless way to let someone down. You need to get your ownclosure and not expect them to deliver it. Yes, you are very young; and you def. will look back on him and wonder why you were so bothered about and upset by such an arse. Start now.
Hey Elle and Linda thank you thank you and thank you for you’re support, it hurts like hell but when I get home (I’m visiting family just now) today or tomorrow I’m going to make that final phone call, which will be my final decision to put an en to this all encompassing, painful, unfulfilling fantasy of a relationship, I can’t believe I got into it and am still making excuses for his behaviour ~ he is seeing someone else now and because were living miles apart from each other, I’m thinking, well I can understand he would want some company/attention ~ I am going insane and have to stop this now before it kills me ~ I’m already on sleeping tablets and beta blockers!!! I am an intelligent, strong woman, I have actually learned a hell of a lot about myself from this so called ‘relationship’ I just have to let it go now, take what I’ve learned for myself and build my self esteem etc and truly become the person I want to be, thank you for you’re words of support and considering I’ve wasted nearly 6 years of my life ‘waiting’ for him to decide if he wants to be with me/marry me then 2 years working on me being truly happy doesn’t sound like too bad a deal to me, thank you once again and I’ll be back here again, in my bid to gain strength I am not going to keep all this stuff hid inside of me as I always have I’m going to let it out, feel it, get support and truly move on ~ very scary but the alternative is really not an option ~ deep breath, here I go ~ choose life!
Karen,
There’s no reason for you to make any phone call; it’s not likely to lead to anything that will make you feel better.
Just, as you said, choose your life.
Good Luck!
PS: Thank you, NML.
LOL with the Adele/Mary J Blige thing… but Mary J decided to put up a fight for her fallback girl singer title recently:
http://youtu.be/MTnqvkFwxJg
Baggage reclaim also saved my life, as many state here. Last year I had a problem with an EUM, in that he was playing me for a fool. I had started reading this website right before I met him, so I never gave in. He chased me down all year… It drove me nearly insane but I stood my ground, as I am in no condition to date and I haven’t been for years and will probably not be for a long while, sadly, as I learned this summer with another EUM/total AC…
But what happened was strange… after he realized that I would never fold he genuinely became my friend. Now, he might still up and disappear one day, although at this point I doubt it but I also don’t care… I never gave in, never responded to his half-hearted attempts at seduction. It was unlike any other woman in his life that he gave that attention to, so I guess he decided to treat me with respect. Or something. But since May I have had absolutely no problems with him, in fact, he was there for me when things actually went down in my life with other men, or school, or what have you. I also lost all attraction for him… and I want to thank this website and Natalie, for opening my eyes.
The other guy that played me, well, he had to lie his butt off and future-fake like no other. It definitely didn’t last long, and though it hurt, I am happy to say that it wasn’t because I ignored the truth– I wasn’t even shown the truth! Oh sure, there were signs of his emotional unavailability, but I noticed them and brought it up. And then he ran…
But I am unable to get past the issues that make me unable to date again. I don’t know how to work through this, but I also don’t have the time. Now I just know how to say no to bad situations, but I am still at a complete loss to open up to the good ones… I’m sure it takes time, and I’m sure this is not the right time of my life to be pursuing relationships anyway.
Never again will I be in love with someone who doesn’t love me back in a healthy way, with love trust care and respect. Thank you!
Hello All,
First I want to thank NATALIE for the amazing work and dedication that she has most obviously put into this project. Had I not stumbled into this site as I was looking for ways to rescue my relationship (again), I would most certainly be at the stage of loosing self respect in trying to get my ex back. “I am better than that”. What I realized while searching the web for answers was that everything was cookie cutter; what I mean is that they all lacked substance in explaining both sides of the story. They all suggest the same thing about coping and moving on… Just forget, join a gym, meditate, and talk to your friends… Yadda, Yadda, Yadda. Yes those things are helpful, but they don’t answer the question as to why I feel the way I do and why the ASS CLOWN (AC) treated me the way they did. And once I understood that it was not me, but the AC fault, she had no more power over me. I TOOK THE FOCUS OF HER (yes I am a man) because I knew her next moves, I understood the why and how from both sides. This is NATALIE’s niche. This is what no one else has been able to capture and explain. I understand that this is a woman’s support site, but I can assure you that unavailable relationships are not bias just to woman. I too was involved with an AC and future faker. I dedicate years waiting for her to finalize a divorce, helped her and supported her in every way, to awaken one morning and realize that her unavailability had nothing to do with her ex marriage, but her past relationships that she had fostered while with me. When I confronted her I got no explanations, no sorry and was immediately shut out. I knew that she expected me to run back apologize and make excuses for her (not this time) I started no contact 2 weeks ago, but fell off the wagon demanding explanations. I felt owed at least that. During our brief discussion I realized she was starting to dangle just enough in front of me to get me to forget and forgive. She blamed me for not trusting and not getting over past indiscretions. I said my piece and went back to NC. It has been a week now and she texted me last night that she was going to be in my office today to deliver a package to someone in my office. “Just a heads up” I mean REALLY? Uggh. Well, Natalie you are correct in that as much as we may want to hear from our AC, hearing from them does us no good. It just starts the…
Keep up the NC, free. Longstanding patterns are hard to break, and with any contact you will fall into one. She’s used to you being there for her. Stay strong and best of luck.
freetobe
we do need the reminder that it’s not just men who do these things. I’ve done some dodgy things myself.
Forget about her explanation. Now, many, many years after some of my bad behaviour, I’m able to understand why I did it and how hurtful it must have been. She’s not going to come up with that understanding in two weeks. By the time she’s realised what she’s done (if she ever does), you’ll be making babies with someone who loves you properly and you really won’t care to know anymore. I’m going to say what I always say:
Ignore, ignore, ignore. (And eat your vegetables).
freetobc
Good to hear from a man on the site. Yes, exactly what you say about Nat – I agree! She captures the problem from both sides so that we stop focusing entirely on the other person and start taking charge of “our” (own) situation and why we are still flogging the three legged donkey! Good luck to you. Listen to (Amazing) Grace – she knows what she’s talking about – especially about vegetables!
FreetobeC: I TOOK THE FOCUS OF HER (yes I am a man) because I knew her next moves,”
Does this not tell you all you need to know? Sign up with Natalie’s “No contact emails” and you will be feeling better soon.
Hi Runner Girl,
Oh wow, I just recently had a dental appointment myself and I can SO relate to this analogy too! It was less painful to be at the dentist, having my teeth scraped (sorry to be a bit gross) than it was to be in in the midst of the constant ambiguity of “Will he choose me” and then, “WHY won’t he choose me”…as you said, “Ugh, what was I thinking” and I often ask myself this very question too! And I realize, I wasn’t thinking, at all, not really.
Having someone future fake and give you crumbs, just enough, to keep you hanging on, is just the absolute worst…it messes with you in ways that can take a long time to recover from, not the least of which is because of all the doubts it creates in your own ability to feel like you can trust yourself and your emotions.
I recently watched (again) SATC movie and it dawned on me that, when Carrie reads Big’s emails to her (in which he copies from a book other great love letters from famous men) that she starts to forgive him…because he sent her EMAILS! Most of which were copies with a few sparse words of his own thrown in…ARGHHH!
The funny thing is, the first time I saw this the movie, I thought, like so many others, “Oh, how sweet and romantic, tender and thoughtful”…and now, I think, “No, Carrie, don’t do it, don’t go back” but of course, she did, leaving all us OW to think, “Yes, if it can happen to Carrie, it can happen to me too, if I am patient”…
Wow, just having that particular realization has been pretty intense for me…and, as the other ladies have posted on here too, all the love songs too, I am now re-interpreting both movies and songs in a way that I previously hadn’t before…meaning, I am trying not to have on the rose colored glasses when doing so!
I’m sending you many hugs sweetie, you’ll get thru this, we both will, I know
@Lessie,
I cried when I watched SATC because I was so touched by Mr. Big’s persistence in trying to win Carrie back and I wanted them to get back together. (My ex looks also just exactly like him, with a more baby-face). Maybe it’s time for a second viewing of the film!
“Having someone future fake and give you crumbs, just enough, to keep you hanging on, is just the absolute worst…it messes with you in ways that can take a long time to recover from, not the least of which is because of all the doubts it creates in your own ability to feel like you can trust yourself and your emotions”
I hear what you say. Maybe what we can do is to start fine-tuning our internal radar, to sieve out future fakers. You wrote about how perplexing it is, to experience someone’s grand gestures, someone who seems to be so genuinely in love. I find myself always trying to identify what was real, what was fake, like some tedious archeological dig. I believe that some people do enjoy feigning emotions, the grand gestures might have been real for them in the moment, but only in the moment, a flash in the pan, and never did quite run very deep.
i think the thing about mutuality is that it really has to be there from the beginning. i am very wary now of relationships that start off with the ruthless pursuit, the compliments, the flattery, the promises, the constant contact…etc.
with the last guy i dated it began like this. i was a bit ‘meh’ about him at first. instead of registering and assessing my ‘meh’ (part of it was because he was moving away) i allowed myself to be swayed. my ego will be the death of me.
badgered me for sex, relentlessly. i set the boundary that i wanted the wait for sex but he tried to cross and recross this boundary at every opportunity. promised me the sun, moon and stars. eventually i gave in.
the dynamic began to shift then. so began LDR, he promised me he’d contact very often. at first he did…but then he began i guess what some might call here ‘the slow fade’….suddenly i felt i was disturbing him with even a text…would take hours to respond when i did send one. always me initiating the contact. he claimed he was ‘busy’ when i asked him about it and would get annoyed at me for asking…yet i’d see him active posting comments to others on FB not even as much as replying to my texts or calling me which only takes a second.
i became the chaser. sadly i continued chasing for quite some time after…partially because i felt left behind, mostly because i didn’t want to admit i’d been used. that’s what it felt like. practically all the effort to sustain the relationship came from my end.
it really is the most exhausting, confusing and heartbreaking thing. i still cry over it. im wary of men now.
As usual, amazing. Where were you years ago? Oh wait, you were “here”….I was far, far down in it. Distance (not geographical), therapy and a whole lot of BR has brought so much clarity…I’m just so embarrassed that I kept at it for soooooo long. Embarrassed – not shamed. Overall, I still hurt some, but am definitely getting to a better place. Funny, when you step away from the rejection, you step away from the pain. Working on building the self confidence while dropping some crazy bootleg coping tactic I pickec up, the reverse ego (thank you Natalie – it’s amazing how much I catch myself doing this, but at least now that I recognize it I can correct it.) I still catch myself not missing him, but wondering if he misses me. Yep, still seeking validation from an empty source. I’m really excited about coming out of this a better person; both for myself, and for the next lucky bastard that gets all THIS. Just playing, but anyway, I am so thankful for all of ya’ll here. Thank you for helping me want better for myself…and know that I deserve it. It’s not all sunny skys yet, but the fog is definitely starting to clear.
aagirliknow,
“Funny, when you step away from the rejection, you step away from the pain.”
Well said! So true. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about *you*. You are allowed to feel good about you whether they want you or not. Step away from the rejection and you step away from the pain – that’s a great way to put this and it is my experience exactly. When I dumped the idea/feeling of having been “rejected” the pain subsided pretty quickly afterwards – and I felt more able to do some “rejecting” of my own! It feels good when you take charge of what you are going to accept and what you are going to reject instead of sitting around waiting not to be rejected.
Baggage Reclaim Friends,
For some reason, I’m not feeling very strong today. I’m so tempted to break NC when he texts me this week. And I know for a fact he will due to certain upcoming sports games (just like last weekend). Since he’s obviously decided to ignore my email saying I had to cut contact with him because I care too much and he doesn’t feel the same according to his actions. I just want to text him back and say:
“Seriously, what’s wrong with you? You haven’t even acknowledged my email, but you’re fine with sending me messages on sports?! You may not be good at expressing your thoughts and feelings as you’ve said, but I’d hoped you had enough of a heart and a bit of courage to simply try. Do you not understand I don’t want to be friends with someone who could care less about me other than sports bantering when they’ve got nothing better to do. ”
Someone wrote earlier that healing is not linear. Wow, is that ever true!!! Yesterday I felt strong and today I am really hoping to just not hear from him because I’m afraid I’d break NC. I hate this whole situation and can’t understand how someone can be so cold and empty to ignore another’s feelings. It’s like he sees me laying on the ground moaning in pain, then asks “how’s your day going?” Feedback Please….
PS. Thank you all so much for helping me to get through what I’d consider the worst time of my life.
He does see you laying on the ground, moaning in pain. But he is too concerned about himself. It makes no difference to him. And you give him too much power. Its like you are looking up at him with, “What are you going to do with me laying here on the ground, moaning in pain??” Get up, girl. GET UP. GET YOUR STRENGTH BACK. YOU ARE MORE THAN HIM!!! Get up and dust the shit off. Walk away. Don’t look back. This is about YOU. LEAVE HIM BEHIND.
You are worth so much more. What gives him the right to have what he wants?? To determine where the relationship stands?? WHERE is YOUR voice??? You have a say. You have a right. YOU need LOVE. RESPECT. ATTENTION. GIVE IT TO YOU FIRST. GET UP off the ground. Quit letting him hurt you. Be GOOD to yourself. Surround yourself with people who LOVE you. Who WANT to be with you. Who respect your boundaries, your wishes. I know it SUCKS. I have been there. But he is just a fallible, man, and his poor wife. He is married, yes?? Must really suck being her. Yuck. I’d hate to be married to that! BLECH! You are worth so much more. You have to really start to believe that. First step is to GET UP and GET AWAY AND DON’T look back. He’s not worth it.
Lo J,
Thank you for your comments on my posting. I guess that has been my problem all along…focusing everything I’ve had on HIM, his texts, his feelings, what if I never hear from HIM again, etc. etc. I know now the world won’t end if I shift focus on ME, but it sure is a difficult, lonely and scary place to be…a place I haven’t been in a while. I didn’t want to hurt HIS feelings by not responding, which is why NC has felt so wrong and opposite of what I should be doing. I grew up with that whole “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” Well, that hasn’t worked out so well in this case.
But, looking back he never seemed to worry about hurting my feelings when he didn’t respond to me or only gave me 2 hrs of face time when I spent $500 (on several occasions to fly and visit him). Yes, 2 hours out of the 4 days I was in town!!!! Oh my, I feel as if I’ve just been slapped across the face thinking about that memory. Yes, he is married and I feel horrible for her. They’d only been married 2 years when we reconnected. He said there was no chemistry in their marriage, but they were the best of friends. How horrible, to spend a lifetime with someone who knows it’s not what they want after only 2 years. I guess I should be thankful it’s not me. Thank you Lo J, I’m getting up now…it’s the “Not looking back” that will be hardest for me.
Complicated:
‘Do as you would be done by’ is a good way to think and it does work, but you’ve got to go beyond the surface with it. It’s about doing what’s right, not what’s nice.
If you were horrendously screwed up, to the point that this bloke seems to be, would you honestly WANT that person to let you perpetuate that situation? Would you want them to enable you to jeopardize your marriage? Would you want to be allowed to carry on living your life in such a careless unfulfilling way without any consequences? Honestly?
I struggled with the whole ‘love-thy-neighbour’, ‘do-and-you-would-be-done-by’ issue for ages, and it’s difficult because I think that it constitutes a pretty core value/belief for me, that I didn’t want to just abandon!
But, ultimately, if you genuinely want the best for the other person you’ll stop facilitating their unhealthy behaviour. They might (will probably) carry on without you but that’s their business… I realised that letting him carry on with me so that I could get the emotional high and feel like a maligned saint was actually really selfish.
Hi Complicated,
Accepting of the reality is the hardest thing to do when you have your feelings invested, I`ve been there and still battle my “what if I was wrong ” voice and still look back, and explain to myself again, and come and read here and get the support and it makes me stronger bit by bit. Not happier yet, but stronger to be able to accept first what is real. Don`t make a mistake feeling bad for him. He is dishonest because he is having an affair. He lies to his wife. It`s very possible that he lies to you when he tells you that there is no chemistry between them. He is not imprisoned in that marriage, if he is unhappy he can always get divorced. You need that energy you are putting into him to look after yourself. Don`t believe him, remember, he is a liar, believe yourself when you feel so scared and distraught. That is what he gives you, this unhappiness. That is what is real. Take care.
yoghurt
I have to correct you. It’s Love your neighbour as you love yourself. Until we love ourselves any AC/EUM can come along and compromise our morals.
complicated (and all the OWs)
yes, treat others how you wish to be treated. and that includes not seeking attention from someone else’ husband. When you are married, you wouldn’t want another woman to do it to you. He can’t even complain that she’s abusive. From his own mouth she is his best friend. God help you if that’s how he treats his best friend – gossiping about her to another woman behind her back. Despicable. Stay away from him.
I dont’ know if he wants her or not, apart from the fact that he married her and hasn’t left her for the alternative right under his nose. But he sure doesn’t want you in any useful way. Yes, be thankful for that!
Complicated:
After I broke things off with the guy who dropped the P-bomb (polyamory — his, not mine) on me, I got one of those crumbs-messages a few weeks later. No acknowledgment of ANYTHING that had gone down, just a cursory “Hi how are you here’s a tidbit about myself”.
Eff that noise.
Read Nat’s posts about the Reset Button, and do not let this guy use that technique with you, or in any other way push any of your buttons.
Remaining silent in the face of his pokes and prods says everything you need to say — there’s no need to write a word to him. Really, silence is the biggest Eff You message you can send.
Be strong.
Tea Cozy,
I love your comments! Actually made me feel a little stronger like the woman in the 50s marketing ad, flexing her bicep
. My EU/MM has pushed the reset button on me and accepted his crumbs soooo many times, I’m 100% positive he believes this time will be no different. I’ve let him before and I’m fighting with everything I have to not allow him to do it again. That’s why everytime I feel like contacting or responding to him and breaking NC…I’ll be writing on here. Wow, I’ll be on here alot haha. I want so badly to remain silent in the face of his attempts to reach me. You’re right, that’s the best Eff You message I want to send. Trust me, that’s a message I really want to send.
Complicated…….sit on your hands, don`t text. Tomorrow is another day and you`ll feel better. He will not change because you will send him a text. Write down all that is bad about your relationship and tell yourself that this is how things will always be like, and if you want to accept things that way you can always text him tomorrow. You won`t. Don`t let him suck you in.
Hey Complicated,
I’ve been there and done that, felt like shite the next day, and it didn’t change a thing. Although I did maintain NC for the first 90 days which was just enough time to start to get some clarity with the help of BR, of course. No matter what I said or did when I broke NC made a drop of difference. Tea Cozy (nice name btw) and the others are spot on. Silence is the big EFF you. No amount of explaining is going to convince this jerk that he’s a jerk cos he’s a jerk. Natalie describes this phenomenon perfectly: “One Day I Might Get My Unprincely Faux Prince if play my Other Woman cards right.” I’m very sorry you are going through this. I know it hurts but it does get better. Have you done something nice for yourself today?
Hi Runnergirl,
Good to hear from you! You are all right, nothing I could say in that one text…after sending daily messages for a year…could change anything. I like that I feel comfortable coming here and typing out what I would’ve written instead of actually doing it and then sending it to him. The time of day that is worst for me is the mornings. So, instead of feeling pain and emptiness, I come onto this site and read all the inspirational comments written to me and it honestly helps me make it one more day NC. Today was another day of NC. One day at a time. I realize now this is a situation I shouldn’t have ever been involved in in the first place because he’s married, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling the pain now. Thanks for your continued support on this journey. It is much appreciated!
Complicated – me again!
If he knew his own mind and was horrid enough to speak it – as you want him to do – here would be the answer to the text you want to send him:
Dear Compie,
What’s wrong with me is that I am married, seriously, married and am only up for a bit of extra-curricular banter with you mainly by text and mainly stuff that interests me like sports and also a bit of sexting thrown in when I’m feeling randy; really I don’t want anything else from you other than that and only when I feel like it. I don’t like that you have other expectations and needs and want a mutual thing going on with me because I have no intention of being in a mutual thing with you or of fulfilling your needs or even dealing with them, which is why I haven’t acknowledged your email. You said in it you needed to cut contact with me and now you are whining that I am not contacting you about an email in which you told me to stop contacting you. So, seriously, what is wrong with you?
I sent you the message about sports to see if you meant what you said in your email. I see that you didn’t mean what you said, as here you are contacting me again. I have no intention of dealing with the stuff you said in an email; I can’t and don’t want to offer you anything more -I am married and I want to stay that way; what part of that don’t you get yet? You can love and want to be with me as much as you want – but that is not what I want. Why don’t you get that yet?
I am actually pretty good at communicating my feelings to you – you are just not listening. You are simply intent on hearing a different message than the one I am giving you. What you don’t get is that I am communicating a very clear message; you are just frustrated and angry with me cos you want to hear a different message, but that’s not my problem, it’s your problem.
I don’t think women should want to be friends with a man who couldn’t care less about them other than sports bantering and sexting when he’s got nothing better to do. But you have shown me you are not one of those women, so what do you want me to do about that? That is your problem to solve. I only want to do sports bantering and sexting when I’ve nothing better to do and if that’s not now what you want as well, why you still here, whining on at me in a text message demanding I give you something I don’t want to give you? I am offering what I’m offering. If you don’t want it then you should stop contacting me, stop answering my texts and jog on, don’t you think?
Your team is shite by the way!
that end bit’s a joke!
Fearless
Get out of my head!
This is hilarious. And TRUE.
@ Fearless, Exactly!
As one who had an affair with a EU/MM who WAS horrid enough to speak similar thoughts, this post realistically describes their selfish, cruel and controlling mentality.
@ Complicated,
They want what they want, when they want it, and nothing else. As the OW, your needs and wants never enter the equation. Who died and made this asshole king? Knock him off his throne! He doesn’t deserve your adulation.
A bloody Blueprint of these relationships! Inspired Fearless…
Hi Fearless,
Your comment and ‘letter’ was so sad and probably true of what he’d write me. Even what you wrote at the end…seriously, he’s actually written that last part! It’s sinking in that he is married, I’m not his and he’s not mine, and I’m not a part of his life and never will be. This sucks and makes me feel like a hollowed out halloween pumpkin..empty and void of life right now. The past 4 years meant nothing to him probably and I’ve built a relationship in my head between the two of us out of just crumbs. Oh my. But, I made it through another day of NC. He didn’t contact me, but I didn’t contact him either. Like an alcoholic, I’m taking it one day at a time. I guess in a way, he was my addiction. I got the highs from the texts and the lows with the withdrawls when I didn’t receive a text from him. Thank you for being here and commenting. This journey doesn’t seem so lonely anymore
.
Complicated,
The painful part for you is going to be facing up to the fact that the reality of the relationship you have been having with this man bears almost no resemblance to the one you are having (all by yourself) with him in your own head.
I shuddered at one of your comments in which you said you had not seen him since the spring – we are almost in a new year – but he was texting you once a day. When is the last time you actually spoke to this man? Spring? I also shuddered when you said you spent a lot of money to travel to see him and he had 2 hours for you – out of four days! If this is all the case, it is awful. If I’m reading you correcty, this is barely an affair never mind a relationship. What is this man actually offering you – even in pretend land? It seems I have more of a relationship with my postman than you do with this man.
No wonder you feel so bad about NC – you have pinned your survival and personal happiness on nothing more that text messages from a married man who never comes anywhere near you. You seem to have attached great importance on to text messages like it’s the only form of communication known to man. It’s not. There are also trains planes and automobiles – but he’s not shifting his ass onto any of them. Is he even picking up a phone? But all of this is irrelevant cos – he.is.married. So be thankful he’s not trying to reel you in any more than a text a day – that’s had a bad enough effect on your imagination. You have managed to turn a text a day from a married man into the love affair of the century. You have reeled yourself in and have landed on fantasy island. All by yourself. You are marooned. You better start building a boat!
I don’t mean to be flippant – I know you are hurting badly and I feel for you – try writing down exactly what you *actually* get out of this thing with this guy. Make the list. What does it say?
I’m so embarrassed. I, too, feel like I’ve been marooned on Fantasy Text/Email island. My MM and I have had a LDR for 16 months, and he’s been pretending to be separated and proceeding with a divorce. We texted/emailed every day and it was all love and roses, but only saw each other a few days a month when he’d come down to collect his rent checks and sleep with me.
I began to put pressure on him because I thought, based on his FF, that we were going to live happily ever after. He’d talk about the divorce, spoke of moving in together (“I don’t want to just date you. I move fast;” “I dream of what it would be like to sleep next to you every night. I want that, and hope you do, too.” Baloney.) Thus began a string of monthly breakups at the end of his visits, because I couldn’t understand why he’d never follow through. A few days later we’d go back to the lovey-dovey texts and emails. I literally lived for those. I sat here night after night, not dating anyone because we were “exclusive.” Little did I know, he was with his wife some of that time, even though he’d tell me that there was no chance for reconciliation and that his love for her had died. I never could understand why I was conducting a relationship by text. I rarely even spoke to him on the phone (he said he’s “not a phone guy”.) How could I believe a man who told me I’m his soul mate, but whom I never felt welcome to call out of the blue? How could I be so blind?
We’d often break up because he “couldn’t give me a timeline.” He’d say things about how long the divorce might take, and when the deadline passed and I’d bring it to his attention, he’d fly off the handle and turn it around on me. I’d ask if I should date other people who might meet my needs and he’d ask me to pass on those opportunities, I was The One but the timing was bad, blah, blah, blah. Now I feel like a fool because he was just keeping me on ice.
His wife (of 26 years) just discovered some of our emails and he dropped me like a hot potato. I love him and hope that if things with her don’t work out he’ll come back to me. I know it’s unhealthy and he’s a liar, and I’m just being a Fallback Girl. I’m spinning it in my head that he loves me but is staying with her for other reasons. I hope that this pain starts to fade. This blog has been a lifeline for me. Thank you so much.
Fearless, Bah hahahahahaha!!!! What else can I say. If you can laugh about it, you can live through it (Bill Cosby, I think.) I know you weren’t even trying to be funny….but damn. Good Stuff Fearless, thanks.
Complicated, I assure you I’m not laughing at your situation. You want to laugh at someone…..I got jokes. Lots and lots of ammo. I guess i’m just tired of crying.
Complicated
Think about what Nat said to you. You can’t send him a text complaining that all he does is text you. It’s just a text. Stop trying to goad him into being a decent person. That NEVER works.
Also, you are not permitted to comment again unless you mention his wife in every sentence! Just kidding – I’m not the blog police, but he is married and this is all highly inappropriate.
You have your own agenda and are blocking out all our cries to the contrary. We’ve said that he is married, not to text him, that this is crumbs, that you are better than this but because you’re locked into your own agenda, you’re not hearing us 100% . HE has an agenda too and is blocking out all YOUR cries. It’s not mutual!
I am telling you with 110% certainty that what you feel is not what he feels. It takes a lot more than sex, fibbing to his wife, sneaking around, a few texts and sweet gestures in a restaurant to elevate this above another standard affair. Let it go! And don’t go running to him to try to prove me wrong. I’ve been down that route as well, you’ll just end up kicking yourself!
How long has this been going on – is it four years? Do you really want it to be five?
Grace,
If I’m in your head I know I’m on the right track! You are so right. We end up in these “relationships” all by oursleves – riding solo to Miseryville (quoting Nat) because we are completely set on our own agenda and we block out what is so obviously his agenda.
I remember, months ago now on BR, the slow dawning of the ridiculous irony of my ‘solo’ relationship: when I started to see that every sinlge thing I grumbled about regarding him and his ‘relationship’ behaviour was actually equally applicable to me. I was horrified at this realisation!
I complained about the texting – but I texted to make the complaint! I complained he didn’t do anything to solve the situation, but neither did I do anything! I complained that he didn’t think I deserved better, but plainly I didn’t think so either! etc. etc.
I just wanted him to stop wanting what he wanted and start wanting what I wanted… and what a cheek he had not to pay attention to what I wanted from him! Pft… Yet I didn’t pay one iota of attention to what he plainly wanted (rightly or wrongly) from me – I wanted, pleaded with him, to change the record and stop being so cruel playing the same record over and over and over – but he only had one record! That’s the only song he had! A shitey one!
As Nat often says, which is very clever, we miss the top line information (the actual disease) in these situations and appoint great importance onto the symptomatic stuff (that is what complictaed is doing). The top line is that the relationship has no where to go – he is a cheating MM or a chronic EUM or an AC – there can be no mutual relationship to be got out of these men. Yet we complain about what? Texting (!!). Who texted who/who emailed who/who said what in the email/who didn’t answer an email. Mutual relationships with two people in it are not run my emails! It’s like sitting there at the scene of an accident with your leg broken in five places shouting for some ointment for your swollen toe.
Grace and Fearless,
I`m printing those two comments off for my own use! Brilliant!
Complicated,
I read your posts and the brilliant replies from a distance because I didn’t trust myself to answer… I feel for you, for sure and I do not deny the pain you feel is real …but it’s not raw, because you know that you’ve been living with it for a while..
Grace, is spot on, as always…you need a reality shot..and while you slug it back, you do need to think about his wife.
You do have your own agenda and so does he, for a while, I do not doubt, that it’felt’ as though these agenda’s dovetailed. The MMAC, that you waste your time considering, had a vested interest in making you feel that…it appears from all you say that he no longer does. For reason’s of your own,which believe me, need exploring you seem unable(or unwilling) to strive to realise that.
Fearless’ analysis of your situation is a true blueprint of what you have experienced…believe it.
Finally, her blueprint is typical of what many of us on site have gone through and strive to recover from. I have been entirely up my own arse about relationships too, Complicated,completely self absorbed in my own island of pain. I regret that. What helped was truly reading and understanding some of the posts on site, finding true empathy and congruence with other situations and learning from them.
Complicated, it is not complicated, it never has been, it is simple….
Hi Grace,
No, I don’t want to go another day being the OW. I want to be the woman a good DECENT man wants to dance with…in public…in front of lots of people. He knew from the start how I felt and obviously had his own agenda. Sadly, his agenda was filled and he got what he wanted from me and can now go on his merry way and spend lots of fun family time with his wife while I’m left here to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. Yes, he was married but unfortunately my stupid choices didn’t stop me from developing feelings for him and ending up being in love with him…or the idea of him. I asked him two or three years ago, “Do you love me?” What was his response you ask…here’s what he said: “I’m not sure if it is that or the idea of that.” Those were his actual words. No mention of love. You’re right, he doesn’t NOR has he ever felt the same way for me as I do him. I’m done making the visits hoping he’d see me and finally realize he felt the same for me as I have him all these years. I actually wrote that in my email I sent a few weeks ago. Didn’t text him today and made it through another day of NC. Here’s to another day of NC tomorrow
.
People like him don’t feel compassion, empathy or sympathy for someone lying on the ground in pain, they feel CONTEMPT or NUMB or DISGUST. He doesn’t have the ability…it’s like asking why your stereo won’t make a sound when you have the volume all the way up, but it has no speakers. He’s missing whatever components are necessary to express any care for your pain, which is probably what is attractive to you about him in the first place. It’s familiar.
Download Nat’s “Unsent Letter” and work it, it is AMAZING. I’ve written more than one to the same person….and with the ex that drove me to BR, I have written different variations of the same apology letter (oh, I am so sorry I lost my temper with you one time after being treated like crap the last 4 mos of our 7 month relationship…!) a few dozen times. I have, at least two or three times, written the letter over and over again in succession. Anything to express and acknowledge the feelings to MYSELF, and stay NC.
I would say I was mentally ill, I obsessed over an ex for over a decade after a 1 year non-relationship, was involved in very abusive relationships (one ex, long ago, when I was 17 beat me so badly my baby was stillborn, the recent ex had an FBI record and domestic abuse conviction)…and going and staying NC with the guy from last year has done more to heal my whole self and instill a sense of self-worth than anything I’ve ever done. PLUS, if someone as unbalanced and sick as I was can do it, YOU certainly can. Read Nat’s post about seeing yourself as strong, repeat I CAN do this, I CAN do this, sign up for the NC emails…honor your weakness and fortify yourself every way you can.
I changed my ex’s phone listing on my phone to”DON’T YOU DARE ANSWER THE PHONE OR CALL THIS NUMBER”, and his email nickname to, “DON’T YOU DARE SEND THIS F*CKING EMAIL HIM CHECK YOUR DRAFTS FOLDER!” and had a long letter to myself saved in my drafts folder to remind me why it was a Very Bad Idea to break NC.
Don’t just hope he won’t call…have a plan. Imagine rejecting his call, or walking away from the phone, and deleting any voicemail. Tell yourself you CAN do it and you will not die. The worst that will happen is that you will feel some uncomfortable feelings. Have a friend on backup to call ….keep a feelings journal…get out and take a walk…meditate, whatever it takes. The rewards of being on your own side are priceless.
Sunshine:
“The rewards of being on your own side are priceless.”
Well said! Yes, they so are!
Hi Sunshine,
You are an inspiration. Thank you for commenting. I do the visualization alot. I like to visualize his text coming through then going online to block his number through my cell phone provider. That would be my response. I’m hoping the pain and wanting to hear from him will subside with each passing day. Just hate feeling he’s off having a great time, possibly out to a dinner and movie with his wife, while I’m crying on my couch and hurting. I hate, hate hate that!! I realize I was wrong to get involved with a married man. So, I guess this pain, longing, and wanting to hear from him and having to ignore and push past it, is my punishment. I feel like a shattered piece of glass that has been superglued back together with cheap glue and on the verge of falling apart any day. With each passing day, I’m trying to focus more on me to take my mind off him and wonder what he’s doing/thinking/feeling.
Complicated – if you *feel* like you may break NC you might want to do (or re-do) some excersices from this site: write that unsent letter (again, if you have to), keep posting here instead of texting (tell US exactly what you want to say to him, just DON’T say it to him). And then from me personally: why do you want HIS validation of YOUR pain? Stay NC. No matter how hard it is. No matter if it hurts. Sit on your hands if you have to. Seriously. It absolutely does get easier if you allow yourself to get through the rollercoaster. Be in the rollercoaster for now. Don’t get off it. Stick to your promise TO YOURSELF. Your self-esteem will thank you.
When I was right where you are – wanting him to really get HOW MUCH he hurt me, wondering how he could be so callous etc., wanting him to feel like I felt – I realised that I was so used to giving him the power to make me happy (which he never could) that I was expecting the same of him in my pain. But if he couldn’t give it then, he can’t give it now. You have to be with you, your friends, your family, people that love you and care about you and SHOW it. Like Natalie said, he REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY….REALLY!…isn’t that special. Will you regret breaking NC? Will breaking NC make you feel worse or better? Will he have changed between last weekend and this weekend? Will he understand you more this weekend? Answer these questions and you’ll have the answer you’re looking for. We’re all here for you. xo
@Complicated,
How are you doing? Please listen to all the advice you’ve got here. I relate to your anguish and bewilderment, but you really have to see your MM for what he is about and then it won’t be so shocking– expect nothing but the worst from him. He stands for sports banter, sexting (do you really want this frivolous one-dimensional creature?) and treating you like an option. He chose to marry someone whom he’s no chemistry with? (what a low-life, hypocritical coward! How can you respect this man?) By continuing to remain in the situation (and that is all he has to offer, Fearless’ ventriloquism of his reply is true), you are choosing all that, you have the agency to walk away. Believe you do! Habits are hard to break but you can do it.
I hear you spinning words over and over in your head, you keep quoting what he said to you numerous times on this forum. I did it too (because I had nothing else to go by). We think the reality doesn’t correspond to words, but when we think of all the void, the periods of absences, disappearances, non-accountability, then it all adds up. It is all consistent, logical. We shouldn’t grab onto or insistently replay these sporadic crumbs to tell ourselves why the situation isn’t as shitty as it really is. Like you, I suffered the ignominy of 2 hour meetings over 4 day trips when I forked out money to travel to see my ex-EUM who’d lure me over with “I really want to see you” smses, promised to pay for my journey but never once did reimburse me, would pull last minute cancellations, reply half a day later, or not reply until he knew I was actually getting on the train (in tears) and going back home. I repressed a lot of this trauma but at some point, it’s worth it to revisit these memories, not to inflict more pain on oneself, but to see the situation for what it is. Write a list of all the things he’s actually done for you, not said. Think of all the past instances in which you were ignored– why should the recent email be any different?
NC can be hell, but as many women here have testified, it does get better with time. Responding to his text will send you on another downward spiral, “rinse, lather, repeat”. There was someone else here who said that there were moments of illumination, epiphany, amidst the chaos. Please start choosing yourself and not devalue yourself any further. I think we need…
Hi JadeSesame,
I made it through another day of NC! I mentioned earlier, I feel like an alcoholic going through recovery. I’m taking it one day at a time. I can soooo relate to everything you said. Yep, I’m spinning words over and over in my head. Even reading our old emails and texts over and over trying to figure out how I could’ve made this “whatever it is we had” out of crumbs. His words and actions do not and have not ever matched. He was very inconsistent, which kept me guessing (and hooked I guess) all the times. The highs when I would hear from him and the lows when I didn’t. He played the disappearing act so well, doing it several times over the past few years. If anything, I could count on him to be inconsistent and disappear. I knew he wasn’t someone I could call on if I was in a terrible car wreck in a hospital and wanted to say goodbye. He wouldn’t even answer his phone for fear his wife would be nearby. OOOH, I had forgotten until now. This summer, I accidentally pushed the “LIKE” button on a posting he was tagged in (by another friend) on Facebook. This only happened because I was scrolling down the page on my cell and touched the screen on the wrong place. Anyways, he promptly, texted me and asked me to: “Please remove your ‘like’ from my friend’s posting, he asked who you were. Awkward.”
That was like being punched in the stomach. I did quickly remove it and when I asked what his answer was to his friend, he said “Don’t worry, it’s all good.” Wow, another red flag right there folks! I almost feel stupidier and stupidier with every epiphany and realization that these feelings I had for years were not mutual.
@Complicated, you’ll make it. I know it’s emotionally eating you up, but the more clarity you have of the situation, the further you’ll go in freeing yourself from it. I felt really disgusted by him and pained on your behalf, reading about that dismissive facebook encounter- don’t ever let reduce yourself to become someone’s dirty little secret! Are you not repulsed by him? Outraged? What audacity he has and how dare he treat you like that? Banish him from your life. Make a list of all these incidents and what sort of person he shows himself to be. At some point, you might start to even loathe the person you’re becoming because of the situation– it’s not about roller coaster rides, or unrequited love, it’s about you feeling so thoroughly degraded, ruined and hollowed out, that you know you have to save and raise yourself! I feel it’s crucial you ask yourself honestly, what is it you “love” and miss about him? Why do you want him? What does he represent to you? How does he make you feel? Has anyone else made you feel the same way? Does he remind you of anyone in your life? I hope I don’t sound didactic, but NC isn’t just sitting on your hands, deprivation, suffering.. I think it can be an intense journey of self-discovery and self-knowledge. You will emerge, I believe.
snh,
Thank you for being here and commenting. When you said, “Will he have changed between last weekend and this weekend? Will he understand you more this weekend? ” My lightbulb came on! I get flickers every now and then, but this time, it came on and actually stayed on for awhile. NO, he hasn’t changed in 15 years since we first dated before reuniting, so I know he hasn’t changed in a week. If he hasn’t understood all my four years worth of trying to express how I feel, he wont understand it now. He couldn’t give me what I wanted when we were BOTH single and dating years ago and he can’t give me what I want now. I’m doing my best to ride this rollercoaster of emotions and realize there will be ups and downs. Today was another day of NC so I’m enjoying that accomplishment.
Complicated
As you say, he couldn’t give you what you wanted when you were both single. Same with my returning sweetheart/MM. He forced me to revisit the original relationship and all the things that were annoying me in the present (with the added fact that he was married) were the things that wound me up in the past – the showing off, the sense of entitlement, the drugs, the irresponsibility. In fact, I think he’d gotten worse as he got older!
Natalie has posted on return of the childhood sweetheart. She raised a very valid, painful point – why, when he was looking for an ego stroke/attention/ sex did he pick YOU? Is it because he loves you so much or is it because … he knows you are amenable (or a doormat to put it more bluntly)? I think my MM knew I would not kick up a fuss or make trouble for him. And I did not. Of which I am glad. Thanks to Nat and my counsellor I only met up with him the once and we didn’t do the deed, but all the sexting was very inappropriate.
Contrast with another ex (also married) who friended me on facebook. There has not been a whisper of impropriety. My family all know him as well, so that helps. No secrets. But I doubt I’ll meet up with him when I’m next in his neighbourhood (another country). I just don’t feel comfortable with that. I don’t want him to have to make the decision “Do I tell my wife that I’m meeting up with my first girlfriend?” and I don’t want to cause his wife even five minutes of anxiety over it. It’s just not worth it, I don’t need to do it!
I am in the thick of it right now and today’s post couldn’t be more fitting for my current situation. I have been “seeing” a guy for nearly a year where I have invested myself emotionally and financially. I know that I fell deep for this EUM and his feelings are unmatched. The relationship has me feeling like a shell of myself and I am so confused, hurt, and empty. This a$$hole is actually going to visit his ex girlfriend in another city. And, I am at my wits end. I have decided that as soon as he boards that plane that I will begin NC and never look back. His reason for going is so self serving — that he needs to get away…this is such BS. It is a kick in the stomach.
I have compromised my integrity and my authentic self in a desire to love someone who isn’t interested in loving me. There is a part of me that feels he doesn’t love this woman either that he is merely an opportunist taking advantage of people for his own needs. I am very mad at him, but mostly I am mad with myself for being so desperate to involve myself with him and joining the “harem” of women who stroke his ego. This is one of many failed relationships for me, and I constantly seek out EUM knowing damn well what the outcome will be. I recently bought your book and I’m planning to get started on the work I need to do for myself. Not necessarily to prepare myself for a loving relationship with another man, but, to prepare myself for the ultimate relationship – loving myself. I am now making this the last relationship that I will be the pursuerer. And, I’m going to finally face myself and do the necessary work to empower myself and get out of this rut. I keep going back and forth in my mind about him. But, I know I can’t continue to demoralize myself for him any longer. I am hurting so much right now and I feel like a fool.
D – Just wanted to check in and say good for you for choosing NC, welcome, and the feeling of having been fooled will subside quickly with each day on the other side of cutting him off.
“The sense of feeling owed and wanting redress, is something that I really relate to.”-JadeSesame
These posts have resonated with me. I had a few weeks after my last contact with him where I really didn’t care. I suppose I expected him to start calling again and maybe that I would have it out with him at that point. I’m angry. At him for stringing me along and treating me so badly, then pretending as though it hasn’t happened. And I’m angry at myself for putting up with it. I know that telling him how selfish, rude, arrogant, mean, etc, he’s been will not change anything, and I know that he won’t agree with what I’m saying and apologize. But I can’t help feeling that at least saying it might have some positive effect for me. But of course, I’m not going to contact him to do it.
I have days where I wonder whether I was right to ignore his last phone call, but reading this site usually stops those thoughts. He went from talking about how he wanted to make this work, have a talk about things, sort it out (it didn’t occur to me to ask flat out “you want me in your life when we’re 90 as WHAT, exactly?). Then after popping by one night when I had asked him not to, snooping around, trying to “sleep” in my bed, he left saying “we’ll talk tomorrow”. He did not call until one week later to ask me for help with something–no acknowledgement that he had just disappeared for a week. When I said “what happened to wanting to make things better, having a conversation, ‘we’ll talk tomorrow’?”, he just pushed for me to answer his question and said he would call me back. He did call back a little while later, but I couldn’t be bothered to pick up. Even IF he was not in the position to talk for very long he could at least given me some brief explanation as to why he was asking for what he was, or why he had not called for a week.
I suppose this venting stems from me thinking about it all too much: I still don’t really understand what happened. I have a hard time reconciling “he meant it at the time” with him just walking away. How can a person supposedly want a future and have these feelings, and then just flip a switch and decide to move on? Nat’s articles help a lot, and I’ve read many things that probably give me as much of an explanation as I’ll ever get, but still….I can’t fully wrap my head around it.
Hi A,
I read your post and wanted to say I understand the amazement you felt at his’fade’especially after what he’d said or promised and what you felt you’d gone through together. The ultimate 4wk demise of my 16 months was very similar. He contacted me saying’We had to talk’ and pressed me to arrange a time..he missed me, had never loved anyone more…
We had shifted to communicating by texts and e mails again and I asked him to phone me, that I was sick of cyber analysis…we were to meet on Friday and I needed details because of work arrangements.
He phoned and we spoke for ten mins, he was upbeat,still keen to meet. See you soon GoodLookin’ he said.
Approx one hour later I got a text from ‘The toilet of Peggy’s kitchen’,somewhere in North of Scotland’…he said’ L, you have made me feel vulnerable, despite my desire for you, I will articulate my thoughts by EMAIL!!!to you tomorrow.x
I was stunned, first to silence, then got on phone, (his was switched to answer…ha, ha.) I sent a text, ‘What the eff is going on now?’ and asked him to phone me. As I write this, I am still waiting…
I have of course gone NC, been for a while, doing good, feeling better than I have, for years…
A, this week, for a day or two I felt like you and wanted explanation, for all the ‘There is no end to the depth of my love for you’ crap and the promises of marriage, connubial bliss…
Reality bit, he was an avowed EUM,when I acted like an adult, he scarpered. When I called him on promises made…he would have shinned down drainpipes to remove himself.
I was an EUW, for putting up with it, and any rumination on’Why’, unless it directly benefits me…is a waste of my time. And of yours. I think of him now like a weathervane, turning this way and that, depending on his own version of the weather. He had no empathy for me at all.
Natalie – you’re amazing. This article is spot on and this site has helped me so much over the years. I finally gave up being the fallback girl and am happy and healthy with a wonderful man who loves me. It wasn’t easy accepting it at first because I was so used to dyfunctionality, but now I’m loving myself and living accordingly. I still check back here and send it to all my girlfriends. It’s so helpful to know you’re not alone, but that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks again for all the work you’ve done!!
Hi Complicated,
Just now saw your post and wanted to comment and hopefully by doing so, perhaps help or at least make you feel a bit better.
Like yourself, I question how someone who “seemed” to be very much in love and/or lust with me, could then act completely oblivious to the pain and suffering I was (and still am, even now, you are so right when you say that it is not linear at all, I struggle with this so much myself) having as a consequence of his actions.
As others have posted, “Where is the empathy” or, in lieu of that, “Where is the decency and common regard for another person who is suffering”…and I wish I could tell you this, I really truly do because if I could, then I would have a better understanding myself. I think maybe it might be this: people do not want to accept responsibility for having hurt another, they just don’t.
Either that, or they see themselves as being “good” people and therefore, have not “done” anything wrong. As I have had to learn, both in romantic relationships and also friendships as well, if there is not reciprocity between the two people, then it is simply not worth the time, energy or effort required. NML wrote about “Going back to the source of the pain” and I think this is very true.
Like yourself, I also wonder if this other man who hurt me, misses me or even thinks about me. It wounds me deeply to think that he has obliterated me from his heart and mind. All I can tell you is from my own experience, which is this: being NC has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done for myself and yet, in the midst of it all, while the questions still exist, there is also a certain inner quietness too, the internal chaos of emotions has abated.
My best advice to you is this: block his number, his email, and any other contact info you have for him. Change your number if you have to, that is what I did, as my provider would not block international numbers. You must think of yourself FIRST. Protect your heart and your emotions. You deserve no less than this.
Many hugs to you
Hi Lessie,
“People do not want to accept responsibility for having hurt another, they just don’t.” You are so spot on with this comment. It’s so true, if my EU/MM accepted responsibility for how he’s hurt me, he would feel obligated to discuss his feelings and apologize…something he’s told me many times he’s not comfortable with expressing or good at doing. The second time we “met up” he even said “I’ve always considered myself a loyal man.” So in addition to accepting responsibility, he’d also be acknowledging he was cheating on his wife with an ex girlfriend he once almost married then reunited with. He called me “the one that got away.” I wasn’t just some one night stand with no feelings involved. There’s not a day that goes by I don’t think the same as you Lessie and wonder if he’s thinking of me and missing me. I’ve asked him before how he can disconnect so easily from me and he said “I don’t know.” You see, he’s gone three years in a row ignoring me for 3 to 5 months and then the communication starts up again. Mainly because I continued texting and trying to reach him and he said he got “tired of fighting it.” So it’s a mind f&*#ery to me because I think he must truly care if he is having to “fight the urge” to not communicate with me. Then when we’re back to communicating again, he starts to blow hot and cold. This was the first full year in four years we communicated every single day until I sent that email 2 weeks ago saying I couldn’t handle the roller coaster anymore and had to cut contact because he didn’t feel the same. I could tell he was getting scared and starting to pull away again and I wasn’t going to repeat the previous few years’ actions.
How long have you been in NC?? At what point do you find it getting easier??
Again, thanks so much for being there for me today at least via blog haha. It helps to know I’m not the only one who’s gone through this. Good thoughts and hugs to you too on your journey
.
Complicated,
Oh sweetie, I see so much of myself in your words as I am sure the other lovely ladies here would attest themselves. I think most of us have been (or still are) where you are now, with regards trying to understand and sort through it all.
You asked how long I have been NC…the break up occurred at the end of June and so it has been since then. Within two weeks of that, I had changed my number, blocked his email and sent back (via post) some housewarming gifts he had given me (I had recently moved). I don’t even feel as if I had a summer at all, since I was in such great shock and distress.
I have really only started to gain both a sense of perspective and a very slow healing process as of late (and it is very much a day by day thing, as some days I feel strong and sure of myself and other days, I am crying, biting my nails and feeling sad). I don’t think there is a set formula for anyone.
What I CAN say to you is that it does get better, with time and especially, with much tenderness and self care for YOU. Take time to be good to yourself. The other day I was feeling quite low and made myself a chocolate pudding graham cracker pie and ate it over the course of that day! While that may not be the healthiest thing, at the time, for me, it soothed my spirit (and my sweet tooth)…take long walks, read and watch movies that make you feel good, take nice long bubble baths, buy some new nail polish, talk to a friend.
Ultimately, I think you have to value YOU more than you value him. You have to put yourself (and thus your most valuable heart) above any regard for him and what he thinks/feels.
Please continue to come to BR, you’ll find much support and encouragement as I have and its made all the difference
As always, many hugs to you.
Hi Lessie,
Thank you for your kind words. Congratulations on your continued success of NC! I hope one day in the near future to be providing this type of encouragement to someone else. Here’s to another day of NC tomorrow with hopefully a little less heartache. He may have been a married man, but my heart didn’t seem to recognize that fact, but my head did. So now, I’m paying the price for falling for someone who didn’t (and couldn’t) fall for me.
Complicated,
We all know how you feel. You’re in the middle of the worst part of the journey. It gets better. Honestly, it does.
“if my EU/MM accepted responsibility for how he’s hurt me, he would feel obligated to discuss his feelings and apologize…something”
The problem is he is not and will not accept responsibility. He is having an affair, cheating on his wife after only two years of marriage; that’s how much of a “responsible” person he is – that’s how obligated he feels to the women in his life.
The OW is looking for accountbility, responsibility and obligation from a patently irresponsible source. Has he apologized to his wife yet for his deceptive practices and his gross betrayal of trust? Do you think he ever will? Perhaps, if he gets caught out being the cheating liar that he is. He is not “scared” of his feelings for you nor is he is trying to stifle them – he’s scared of this affair getting all out of his control and him getting caught and having to beg his wife for forgiveness. He’s been keeping you at arms length for a reason – and it’s not because he is crazy in love.
And try to consider your own level of responsibility and obligation here. How responsible has your behaviour been in all of this, would you say? How obligated do you feel to do the right thing? You too are cheating with (and seeking the love and attention of) another woman’s husband. With rights come responsibilities. He wants all the rights (the rights of married life with his wife and also the right to sext another woman) without the responsibility for either of these women’s feelings. And what about you? What rights do you think you have in this situation? What are your responsibilities and obligations? Or don’t you have any?
Regarding his ‘you are the one that got away’. You are focused on the “you are the one” part of that sentence. But that’s not what he’s saying, is he? He’s saying you “got away” – he is with someone else now, so he can’t be with you. And I guessing he said this 3/4 years ago – how long can you cling to that meaningless sentence.
My ex arsehole once told me “you are the love of my life”. I could cling to and believe that throwaway remark forever or I could heed the shed load of evidence to the contrary. Believe what he does, not what he says.
Oh, Complicated. I just keep thinking about you. I have been where you are many times over. Not necessarily with married men. (a few) It begins with how we feel about ourselves. I met a man who seemed to be the perfect “catch”. He was newly divorced, handsome, wealthy, and seemed to be interested in self-growth. HOWEVER, he stated on our first date, “I can’t be exclusive.” I should have walked away. But, I didn’t. (I am always the exception.) He could have said, “I am married.” or “I live with Mama.” or “My ex did this Blah blah blah blah!!” we know the drill. And I continued to see him, investing time and (what I thought were true) emotions into this psuedo relationship. Mind you, I heard, “I think I’m falling in love with you”, “you are the ‘full meal deal’ “, (can you imagine that coming from an important business man?? Hee hee!!), and everything we all LOVE to hear. Very flattering and I, being the single mother of two kids, (never married), couldn’t imagine, that anyone so wonderful could fall for me. Then one day, just MOMENTS after scheduling our date for that evening via telephone, I saw him meeting another woman for lunch. Kissing her. I was devastated. Of course I couldn’t ask him about it. My eyes may have been lying to me. And then, I would have HAD to have faced the truth. But he had known I had seen him because my friend who I was with had blown her horn at him as we had passed. So during dinner that night, at least he had the decency to bring up the topic of not being exclusive with me once again. And of course, I went into hysterics, (low self-esteem, immaturity mixed with two vodka drinks) and I wound up in the bathroom stall for 20 minutes. On the drive home, I cried out, “Its because I don’t look like Shania Twain!!” and blamed MYSELF!! LOL!! Oh, what a sad, sad evening. All along, I knew he was sleeping with other women. But I never asked. Because I would not give myself a voice or have my own power. I was devastated for a long time and made him out to be so wonderful. Do you know, a year later, I heard he married. And I assumed it was probably that woman he met for lunch. And I still felt like there was a deficit in me. Somehow. But, 3 weeks after their Hawaiian honeymoon, still sporting his Hawaiian tan, he knocked on my front door. No wedding ring. And I knew. I…
holy cr@p, what a cliffhanger! He knocked on your door after his honeymoon?
Believe you me LoJ, that comment of yours’ Its because I don’t look like Shania Twain…’you will dine out on that for years!!! Absolutely cracked me up…thanks you have cheered me up tonight. Stay Strong.
and you have just written what I was thinking Ixnay…. Hells Bells…he knocked on your door after his honeymoon, what the eff???
Never mind Hawaii, he’d clearly been vacationing in Psychoville!
Oopsie! There really IS a 2400 character limit!!
After showing up on my front porch sans wedding ring (I’m certain it was in his pocket), though my self esteem was not completely in tow, I was on my way, I knew then, IT WAS NOT ME. HE was a bona fide JACK ASS. And I had been spared. Though he HAD told me he couldn’t be exclusive in the beginning to free him of any guilt, he continued to sleep with me. A DECENT man would not have done that. HOWEVER, had I been a DECENT woman WITH MY SELF ESTEEM IN TOW, I would not have slept with him or continued to date him. Then he showed up on my doorstep without his wedding ring. And I called him on it. And I was glad I wasn’t the unknowing wife. Several years later, I saw him at jury duty. I pretended to not hear him calling my name, chasing after me as I made a phone call to my mother acting like I had something to tell her important as I told her about him standing behind me waiting for me to get off the phone. I owed him nothing. He owed me nothing. There was no reason for this married man, (with twins I later found out) to speak with me. I didn’t care if his feelings were hurt, if I looked stupid avoiding him or pretending of his nonexistence. It did not matter. I did it for me. I did it for HIS WIFE. Because those were MY VALUES. Our values did not match. In order for us to have a great, loving, real, HONEST, respectful, relationship, WE HAVE TO BE all those things. We can’t expect those from somebody else, if we aren’t that ourselves. Hope this all posts!! LOL!! Take care, Complicated!! Be true to yourself.
And by the way, I don’t look like Shania Twain, but I am HOT, and I get HOTTER every year!! And the better my ‘insides’ get, the better my ‘outsides’ get!!! HEE HEE!!!
Hope everybody has a fantastic day!!
Hi Lo J,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your story…and telling us how it ended
. I keep telling myself that he isn’t a decent man or he wouldn’t have said/done these things with me instead of his wife. But when I think about it, that would make me a dishonest and disrespectful person too wouldn’t it because I did all these things with a man who was married to another woman? I’ve always thought of myself as being a pretty good person. I think that’s the part I struggle with the most and can’t seem to wrap my head around what’s transpired over the past few years. If he’s horrible, I must be horrible too. Because we both did these things to his wife. But, I treat everyone with kindness, tell them how I feel, turn the other cheek when they treat me badly and even pray for them. This is the first time, I have ever been involved with a married man. I just thought it was different because we dated years ago and almost married. But, it doesn’t matter. What matters is he is married and not to me. His poor wife. I should count my lucky stars I didn’t marry him all those years ago, because he’d probably be cheating on me right now. I mentioned in an earlier post that I feel like a Halloween pumpkin that’s been hollowed out, void of anything right now. My heart aches for the way he’s treated me and my heart aches for the way he’s treating his wife. But, he probably treats her with more kindness and respect. Afterall, he did choose to marry her and not me. When I last saw him in person this Spring, I asked “What was it that made you choose her and not me, I mean what does she have that I don’t?” He answered this by saying “Oh, woman….I’ll have to think on that.” Never did get an answer by the way. Wow, all these conversations are flooding back to me tonight. Not great feelings associated with them either 
Complicated
It must seem I’m stalking you to disagree with everything you say! You have built up a mythology around this man. He’s not treating his wife with kindness and respect. He’s lying to her and cheating on her. At least you are out of it now, keep it up.
He’s not that special. He’s not even average. Do you need him to be special for YOU to feel special? I know how that goes. I wanted the reflected glory from what I perceived to be an extraordinary person. What he is or isn’t is separate to you. If he really is God’s gift, that doesn’t elevate you. And if he really is a cheating clown, that doesn’t make you less of a person either.
You are your own fine woman and you will find that out with NC. Have faith.
I love this post Natalie.
I’m going to save it and read it often. It feels so good to have finally gotten to the “give up” point. It took me a long, long time to get there, which I hate – but I guess I had to go through it.
I’m glad it’s done – for me. I don’t feel anything for him anymore. It’s sad it had to get to that point. I will always be on this site – there is so much to learn about myself. Thank you for helping me. You are a blessing.
Natalie. Tumbleweeds. Ha!
So. Funny. Because. It’s. True.
I find the poem Antigonish wry and useful.
Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
I wish, I wish he’d go away
When I came home last night at three
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall
I couldn’t see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don’t you come back anymore!
Go away, go away, and please don’t slam the door ….. (slam!)
Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away.
Thank you Waltzing Matilda for the poem. It is going on my mirror.
It so captures many moments on my stairs with the guy who wasn’t there. We loved my stairs. Oh, how I wish he’d go away. Everytime I look down the hall, he isn’t there at all…Thank you for posting this. So haunting. Natalie, you have created the most amazing space for such amazing folks. I learn so much from you and everybody who posts. Thank you. Wow!
I just keep reading this over and over.
WM, wow. awesome poem. Thanks for sharing it. Wikipedia says it was “inspired by reports of a ghost of a man roaming the stairs of a haunted house in Antigonish, Nova Scotia.” Emotionally unavailable poeple are really like ghosts. They come and go, controlling when and who sees them, disappear at will without any promises to return and haunt your mind during their absence (and returns). You only ever see the spectre of a real, whole self.
Hello All again,
Just an update…I’ am still NC, but she did manage to text again to let me know that she was not going to show up to my office after all and would be sending her brother to make the delivery. I’ am not sure why that bothers me so much. It’s almost as if she is saying since you didn’t bother to reply to me earlier text, then I have no need to show up to your office. I shall send someone else. I am glad and sad that I didn’t see her, but a side of me feels rejected again… just venting. This is why it is best to follow no contact to the letter because any little contact from them really can ruin the hard work we put into no contact.
Your comments are welcomed.
freetobe
yep, NC is the way to go. Everything from them is toxic. Also, fresh out of a break up you’re still too vulnerable to deal with her. By the time you ARE strong enough to deal with her – you won’t want to. But at this stage it’s all about self-preservation so it’s a good thing she isn’t coming in. Who cares why?
It’r probably emotional cowardice but I try very hard to discourage psychoanalysis of someone who isn’t even in the room so I’ll leave it at that. Especially if all you’ve got to go in is … another flippin text, people!
I know the feeling freetobec…these people are master manipulators! Mine was showing up in places where he knew i’d be, giving me those puppy eyes, that hurt look…trying to make me feel guilty!!! What works for me is to remember WHY I’m doing NC. Feel that pain, own it…do you really want to go back to that?? NO WAY. Keep strong
Hi Tania,
It’s sad to think that we go blindly into a relationship with people like this. The lesson learned is that going in blindly into anything is not a good idea. All the signs of being an EUW and Future Faker were there, but I was blinded by her manipulation and crumbs, in the end I was shut out , short tons of money, and less of an ego. I don’t think she is wanting me back thou. I think her attemp was to gauge the situation after NC. There’s a side of me that says I’m flattering myself. Maybe she was just reaching out to simply warn me she was going to be in the building and it had nothing to do with me. It was just business. Doesn’t feel any better knowing that either. Besides it was her who shut me out after I confronted her about her inability to cut ties with other men and her need to “put herself out there” where you not in a relationship with me??? Was I not doing for you and building a future?? That was just the respectful thing to do no? Yes a true manipulator and I was the easy mark who wanted it so much that I ignored all the signs.
Thank you for your support and replied.
freetobec,
These people can’t love. It’s all about CONTROL. Once you start realising that, it doesn’t matter whether they want you back or not anymore… they simply can’t give you what you need. I actually feel sorry for him now. He can’t change: he thinks there’s nothing wrong with him. But we can. That’s why we are all here.
Hi Grace,
Agreed. The more I think on it the more I’m sick of how much of our relationship carried on via text. We had our personal moments but how much would I not have enjoyed a call saying good night and I love you instead of a text! I’m starting to think now that I’m flattering myself into thinking that she reached out to gauge the situation. The more I think of it she may have just wanted to make it clear that she was going to be in the office on business and had nothing to do with me. Then again it sounds like I’m making excuses for her. Ugh!
Truth is she broke contact with me and shut me out when I confronted her about her careless ways and how I was feeling disrespected. So for her to take the business in my office was thoughtless. She should have passed on the business as it was not worth it. Sorry I’m all over the place here but that’s how hearing from her has left me. Thank you for your support. It is a good thing to hear that my post are read and replied to as well. They are welcomed and needed.
freetobc
“it’s as if she is saying since you didn’t bother to reply to me earlier text, then I have no need to show up to your office.”
Yes. She didn’t get the attention/ego stroke she wanted – you were supposed to be thrilled about her offering you a chance to see her and to kiss her ass one more time – you ignored her so she is withdrawing “the prize”. Ignore her some more!
Hi Fearless,
Thank you very much for your support. That’s exactly how I interpreted which actually helped me further want to stay NC. I think once we can predict their next moves it helps us regain some power over the situation and can be better prepared for an expected blow to come. NC is not easy because you want to say “Hey what the eff are you doing?” but again when you take away their power it gets easier by the day. My sincere gratitude to your reply and support it was much needed.
freetobc and everyone,
Yes, the predictability of their nothingness is heartbreaking when you are in the midst of your love bubble but when you stop trying to force them into changing their gift of nothingness into something tangible then that same predictability of nothingness becomes quite freeing when you are making your escape. The sheer amount of nothingness they can keep on giving is really quite astonishingly predictable. Once you see it for what it is – a stream of empty packages tied up with string – you stop rummaging around the empty boxes thinking there must be gift or a message in here cos why would someone keep giving me empty parcels. But they do! They have nothing of any meaningfulness whatsoever to say to us – it’s astonsishing.
Fearless,
I found myself applauding. Well said. Well said indeed.
Thanks again.
Freetobec
Amazing Natalie as always, Thank you
I don’t hang around anywhere that I’m not wanted. I don’t have time for ambiguity or games. Plain & simple.
I use to listen to the “I Can Love You Better”, but those days have passed! Another good song to listen to when you are feeling down is this great anthem: “I WILL SURVIVE by Chantay Savage. The video is on youtube and VEVO. http://youtube“I will survive” byChantaySavage” VEVO. This video will definitely pep you up!!
COMPLICATED:
IT IS NOT ABOUT YOUR WORTH. He is not anymore respectful to his wife than you. She has not won anything over you. Both of my parents were EU, my father cheated on my mother, only once to my knowledge, but she spent years of being emotionally neglected by him. He blamed her for his affair. But she was left at home caring for 3 children, one SEVERELY physically, disabled, and he did not support her. He COULD NOT. BECAUSE HE WAS BROKEN. For whatever reason. And so was my mother from childhood experiences. Two sick people who found each other. And they have continued to put up with each other all these years. And been miserable and BLAMED each other for EVERYTHING that has gone wrong in each others lives. AGAINST each other. Instead of having a loving, caring relationship and working TOGETHER like a marriage should be. So, as Natalie has said, if you actually WIN the EUM, as the wife has DONE, (YIPPEE), she DOESN’T get love, respect and support. She has a battle the rest of her life. BELIEVE me. QUIT making him out to be something he is not and quit making this about YOUR worth. Forgive yourself for your mistake, WORK ON YOU! Do things positive to build up your worth and make better choices in the future. This is about YOU.
Hi Grace,
The Return of the childhood sweetheart is the first article I ever read on this site. I found it when searching for others that had gone through the same as me. Luckily I found so much more along with wonderfully, inspiring people here! Well, I made it through another day NC and will be so happy when one day I realize “wow, I haven’t thought of him today.”
Hi Lo J,
My head knows this isn’t about me, but I guess it’s my self esteem that has suffered the most. I’ve empathized with so many other women on this site that said “if I were good enough, pretty enough, smart enough etc, he would choose me. But choosing me means he gives up his family and friends (he and his best friend each married female best friends). All others in his circle of friends are somehow related or are also close friends. So even if I had won him, I would never be accepted and always be the outcast. I believe thats why he ‘chose’ her. His lifestyle didnt have to change after marrying. He goes out several times a week to golf and is also in several sports leagues and atttends concerts a good bit. It works because the wife isnt left home alone, she’s left with all her friends who happen to be married to all his friends who are on the same sports teams. I keep telling myself the most important thing is he is married and not to me. I’ll keep saying it until it sinks in.
Hi Fearless,
I definitely have had more of a relationship with him in my head than face to face in real life. Let me clarify, he and I texted everyday of the week for about 8 hours a day (during his workday week). We didnt ‘chat’ as he called it on the weekends much because he was usually with family and friends. Every weekday morning he’d send a morning text (usually about sports) and our conversations would continue throughout the day. In addition to sports, we talked about news, life, weekend plans, how much he cared for me, and i for him & anything that came to our minds. He rarely mentioned his wife (if he ever did). We even kept up our daily chats when we both traveled out of the country for separate vacations this past summer. This daily ‘chatting’ has gone on for a year (previous years we only chatted a few times a year) up until 2 weeks ago when i sent my email saying i had to cut this connection between us. The week before that i could tell he was starting to pull away and i wanted to get out before he had the chance to disappear as he has in previous years. The last time I saw him face-to-face was April of this year. He gave me 10 minutes in his office lobby…after I had flown to town to see him. We’d made plans months before that of everything we’d be doing and visiting, but of course something came up and he couldn’t see me except 10 minutes out of my 4 day visit to his state. This visit was for his birthday and i had brought him gifts. Yes, it was just as bad as it sounds. It was a few visits before that where he only gave me 2 hours out of my 4 day visit. Other than our visits, it was just texting. He would never call me. Nor would he come visit me. I did all the work. One of his bday presents I had given him was a calling card, which he never used on me. Hopefully this clarifies things some…it has certainly brought me pain and suffering just writing it out.
Oops, meant to say in previous years, we only chatted several times a week (not several times a year). This is why I’ve felt something missing out of my daily life.
Complicated
yes it is painful to write down what is actually happening – it brings it home to us in all its stark reality. Natalie’s has a great commandments for dating on the right side of the page here. “Don’t let yourself be managed via text/email etc.” strikes me as one you could pay attention to; it sure helped me to see that my ex man was more about avoiding getting into a relationship with me than anything else.
His level of contribution to your “relationship” has been worse than woeful. Your tale about him giving you ten minutes (out of 4 days) of his time is one of those BR reading “Ouch!!”moments (cos it’s more about him wanting to avoid you than meet up with you) And same goes for when he gave you two hours – “ouch’ again. With time and distance, Compie, you’ll come to see that you two really are at cross-purposes with this man’s agenda.
Also, be wary to of making assumptions about his marriage – why he is in it/why he chose her/why it works – they are part of your wishful thinking fantasy and they feed into that fantasy; they are not based on any hard evidence that you have. If you don’t believe me, try writing down a list of exactly what you DO know about his marriage / why he ‘chose her’ / why he still ‘chooses her’. Include only *hard evidenced facts* – you cannot hang any truths on what a MM tells (by text) an OW about his wife and his marriage. He will not tell (text) you anything at all about her if he can avoid it. He will not want to discuss it!
whether he has been texting you once or ten times in a working day – these are still text messages. That’s all. And for all this time that’s how much he has extended himself in his contribution to this “relationship” – he texts you when he is at work. A lot of these men keep appeasing the ‘mistress’ for longer than they want to because they are afraid that she’ll do a bunny boiler thing on them – or that she will simply ‘dob him in’. A lot of it for them ends up being more about keeping you just sweet enough so that you won’t cause any bother for them. I’m getting that sense from this man.
Let’s face it Compie, it’s time for you to put much more value on yourself than than daily texts from another woman’s husband. you need to deal with your own lack of self-value – not on getting him to value you. Keep up NC!
I’m cracking up. The Bunny Boiler comment did me in. I’ve been thinking that my MMs wife probably thinks I’m a Fatal Attraction case because I texted him last week after he broke it off with me when she discovered we’ve been having an affair. Actually, I didn’t know they were still together until it all blew up, and I’m still attached to him emotionally. She’s been checking their phone records, so I knew she’d see I texted him, and I felt bad in the morning. I sent her an email to explain that I’d texted him but we hadn’t been in contact (well, we had, a little, but not in over a week and it wasn’t romantic.) Ahhh! Now I’m doing a weird email relationship with his wife, too. I just realized this. Seriously, I want to ditch email and text.
Here is the correct link to the video “I Will Survive”. This is for anyone that has been hurt by assclown, MM, EUM, etc. Things do get better!
http://youtu.be/TMyCXqM8AKM
Darkness,
Just checked out the link. That’s an amazing rendition of I will survive. Thanks for sharing!
Grace:
“What he is or isn’t is separate to you. If he really is God’s gift, that doesn’t elevate you. And if he really is a cheating clown, that doesn’t make you less of a person either.”
So true Grace. Well said. In order to stop pouring ourselves into the abyss with these ‘relationships’ we have to focus on valuing and validating ourselves – independently of him!
Complicated ~ Me, again. I am so hoping you get this soon, girl!! I LOVED what Grace said. “What he is or isn’t is separate of you.” I have done this a thousand times. When we have no boundaries or self-esteem, we want others to define who we are. We want others to tell us we are okay.
Hi Grace,
You’re not stalking me, I really appreciate your continued support! I think most of all I wanted him to want and care for me as much as i have him all these years. But, now I’m at the realization that he in incapable of being emotionally available to me and any other woman for that matter. He is married and not to me. Going to fake it with being ok until I make it. Keep your comments coming!
Hi Fearless,
Yes it’s time to put the focus on me. It’s obvious he and I want to completely different things out of this “friendship”. I hate even calling it that because I don’t treat my friends the way he has treated me NOR do I ask them to sext me! Wouldn’t you know last night I got a text that he had updated his status on FB (I haven’t turned off that notification yet). Both of our statuses have always gone to each others phones so we could keep in touch where ever we were. He said: “Im not an X sports team fan in the slightest, but the fact they beat Y (insert my team here) is great with me!”
I know what he was doing. I recognized he was trying to get a response out of me because ive always replied back with a fiery text. He lives halfway across the country and doesnt even cheer for that team so its all a childish game. I did not reply nor will I. The status was removed by morning. Its like he’s trying to f*$# with my head. Wouldn’t he be glad that I wasn’t around pursuing him and wanting something from him that he can’t give?
Comp,
Sorry for the stalking here too, but I am following your comments!
“Wouldn’t he be glad that I wasn’t around pursuing him and wanting something from him that he can’t give?”
Comp, You’re not quite getting the point. He does not want you to pursue him for what he cannot and *does not want* to give you. That just makes you a pest. He wants what he was getting from you – some texts and sexts. And only when it’s convenient for him. He’s checking if you are still up for that. That’s all. It’s good for his ego if you are. It’s very bad for your ego if you are. He wants to know you are still available for him to toy with. You didn’t take the bait which made him feel like a twit so he removed the status. He is extraordinarily selfish, manipulative and I would say too that he is verging on if not full-on emotionally abusive. If he had any heart and empathy for you and your feelings he would leave you alone and stop wasting your time, ruining your life and shredding your emotions. Sadly it’s all a sport to him – he enjoys the game. For you this is no game – it’s seriously damaging for you.
If you think that his poking you on f/book like that is a sign that he wants the same as you want but is so inept that he’s simply incapable of expressing that desire in the normal way, try telling him that if he attempts to make any contact with you again (including baiting you on f/bk) you will contact his wife – you wouldn’t see him (or get a text from him, I should say) for the fifty foot cloud of dust flying up from his heels – but you know that already, so stop kidding yourself.
You need to think about how serious you really are about NC and getting yourself to a healthier place. Consider blocking all means of communication between you – I have a feeling he will keep on poking you for some ego stroking and sex(t)ing for as long as he feels like it and as long as you’re up for providing that service – at great cost to yourself and no cost to him.
I am sorry, Comp, if I sound harsh – and I too feel like I am stalking you! But I am always oddly intrigued by the MM/OW thing, I think it’s the epitome of what Nat’s blog is mainly (or often) dealing with – it encompasses every characteristic of the EUM/FBG dynamic. If you haven’t read this book yet – you should get it and read it asap. It will help you. Really, it will.
Hi Fearless,
Please don’t worry about stalking me on this site, I really appreciate yours and everyone’s comments during this difficult time. Keep them coming!!! I read and write on here when I feel myself struggling with NC. I am confident after 4 years that he does not want the same as me. In fact, if I was to even respond to his attempts with a sports banter he’d be gone. That’s his MO. He would be scared just to hear back from me. So the way I look at it, I might as well just stay gone. Don’t get me wrong, I am still struggling everyday with the whole situation, wanting to contact him, get some closure and answers from him, but I just leave things be. I know it’s healthier for me this way. I just feel emotionally drained right now. I can’t enjoy anything. It’s like I’m a zombie going through each day. I don’t feel any excitement about the upcoming Christmas holiday and my birthday before that knowing things won’t be the same this year. Just seems doing the right thing and leaving a MM alone should feel good. It feels awful right now. I don’t even have the tears to cry anymore. Btw, I never did ‘sext’ him THANK GOODNESS. He just asked and I changed the subject. My gut instinct was telling me not to go there. Did you say you were involved with a MM? If so, then you’re aware of these horrible horrible feelings of not understanding, wanting closure, did he ever really care, etc. How did you get over this and move on?? I’m tired of feeling like this and want to feel alive again. Thanks again for your help. It is and has been so very much appreciated
.
You and any other woman acting as his mistress enable this ass and others like him to stay in his marriage. Let him go. Get someone capable of giving you what you need. Many single men have the same bs tactics as the male you have been writing about. Choose with care.
Hi Complicated,
It sounds a bit like the fog is starting to clear? Stay with NC. The FB post is just another crumb. He’s just sniffing around seeing if you are still hungry for a crumb. Don’t bite. You deserve more…much, much more with an unmarried/unattached available person, of course.
Dear lord, when I read about your trips to see him and he didn’t have time??? You just hung out by yourself? With a “friend” like this, I sure wouldn’t want any enemies!
Sending you the strength to block, delete, defriend and othewise thump him on the head with a heavy kitchen appliance.
I’m going to have to join BR-ANON. I can’t take this. LOL! GET MAD COMPLICATED!!!
Oh SWEETIE!!! You deserve better. READ READ READ and READ all of Natalie’s stuff. Over and over and over. It is not to win him, it is to heal YOU… you need to heal yourself. And you can’t do that when you are fixated on someone else. DELETE HIM, BLOCK HIM, and CONCENTRATE on YOU.
I am not commenting again. Prayers for and hugs to you. I’ve been there.
Hey Fearless, I’ve been wondering the same about the MM/OW dynamic but I thought it was just me. As a former OW, I was resolute in how unique my situation was until BR. The MM/OW is “the epitome of what Nat’s blog is mainly (or often) dealing with – it encompasses every characteristic of the EUM/FBG dynamic”. In my experience, every single characteristic of the EUM/FBG played out in stereotypic fashion which is why I think I resisted at the beginning. How could my story show up in cyberspace? There was no way to continue being a OW after reading Natalie’s books, this blog, and the comments from folks like you. Thank you. It is odd how the MM and the OW do such a synergistic dance. It was like dancing with the devil or a cockroach.
And Complicated, he’s a cockroach who will continue to bite you via cyberspace as long as you let him. I speak from experience. I have the roach bites to prove it. Fearless, is spot on about ratting him out to his wife. A few months ago, I recieved a message from another MM who contacted me via FB (before I learned how to defriend) about how unhappy is with his wife and needs me to be there for him. I responded that the next message he sent would be forwarded to his wife. 50 feet of cloud dust. I’ve said it before but cheating MM’s are bottom feeders, the lowest of the low. I don’t think I’ll even give another cheating MM the courtesy of telling him that I’ll rat him out. I’ll just forward the message to his wife. A year later, it is clear as a bell: There is no way anything to do with a MM has anything to do with a mutual relationship based on trust, honesty, and care. The OW is in it on her own with a vivid imagination and a propensity for fairy tales.
Hi Runnergirl,
It’s good to hear from you as always! Right now, I feel like that song “I’m alive, but I feel mostly dead.” As I mentioned to Fearless, I feel empty. Void of excitement and any happy feelings. It’s like I’m struggling to get through each day so I can consider it another day of NC. Yes, I made it again today. I have a counter on my phone now telling me how many days NC I am. I know I shouldn’t even be thinking of him, but I am. Why can’t he be hurting and pining for me, have a headfull of wonderful thoughts of me and a heartfull of wonderful feelings for me??!! I actually treated him wonderfully and was there anytime he wanted me to be day or night. So if anyone should be hurting we’re not communicating anymore, it should be him!! He’s the one that’s missing out, but NOOO, he’s enjoying himself with friends at a concert tonight (he told me about this event a month ago). Oh how I just want to scream and feel nothing when I think of him!! Yes, the two times he was unable to visit with me except 10 minutes or 2 hours out of those trips, I spent the remainder of my trip alone. Sad and alone and crying. Would you believe the time he came to my hotel (which he was supposed to pay for, but didn’t…long story) and spent 2 hours with me, as he was leaving he said “don’t just hang out in here by yourself all day ok.” I said “what am I supposed to do walk around town and take in the sights alone?” He didn’t say anything. Even more horrible was when I texted him that night to see if he was going to get to return he said “Wow, you keep texting me, I just sat down to dessert, sorry not going to make it. Enjoy the rest of your trip.” Looking back, how completely disrespectul and insensitive and just plain SCREWED UP can you be to give someone 2 hours of face time, stiffing them with a hotel bill, and leaving them alone for the remainder of the trip??!! I have to admit, I was very tempted to send the hotel bill to his home asking for repayment. But, I didn’t. Oh, I’m too nice for that. Oh yes, it was after this visit he ignored my attempts to communicate for 5 months. Ugh! This is just ONE little example of how he’s treated me over the past 4 years. And I was always there for him with open arms when he came back to me. Excuse me while I vomit…
Conp,
yes, excue me while I vomit too!!
“I actually treated him wonderfully and was there anytime he wanted me to be day or night.”
Sitting alone crying in hotel rooms for four days hoping some MM would give you more than ten minutes of his time is not called “treating him wonderfully” – it’s called “treating yourself like shite”. Being availaible night and day to respond to a text message from some MM is not callled “treating him wonderfully” – it’s called “treating yourself like shite”.
You have a lot to say about how he treated you Comp. But it’s plain that you have been the pursuer here – relentlessly in pursuit of this man and laying yourself at his feet. And you want him to respect and love and want to be with this woman? Why would he. You have been telling him (showing him) every day for four years that you have almost no value at all. He believes you.
He is treating you badly; I agree. He should leave you alone. Yet when he does that you pursued him like a dog with a bone, chasing him and pestering him until he contacts you again. It’s like saying to someone, ‘look at me! Look at me! I am a doormat! Why are you ingoring me? Why? Why? Why? How can you be so cruel? Can’t you see I am placing myself here at your disposal asking you to wipe your feet on me? How dare you refuse me! What is is wrong with me? Why are you not choosing me? Look what a wonderful doormat I am? All I ask is that you wipe your feet on me once a day! That is all. How can you not see how wonderful my doormat qualities are! Do you think you’d easily find another woman who can be such a willing and wonderful doormat? Do you?! No. Of course not! Do you imagine for one minute that your wife would make such a wonderful doormat? No. So why have you chosen her? Why do you not prefer a doormat!
He might be have been treating you badly but you were rejected once when you flew to his state to meet him – and yet you went ahead with a repeat performance. He didn’t do that to you – you did it to youself. Maybe it’s time to stop being angry with how he has treated you and start looking closely at how you have treated you. You might find that you are much less of a victim than you think. I know that’s what I discovered. I can think my ex is an arse – cos he is; but I can see that I treated myself way worse than he ever did.
I am dying here! Even though I’m horribly depressed over what I’m going through, Fearless, you are amusing me like nobody’s business. I admit I have been a total doormat in my MM scenario. I’d chalked it up to how I’d changed so much, because in my last two relationships I had been the cheater/EUW and I was now “making good” by treating a man like a prince. So pitiful, and payback is a bitch (forgive my language.)
I wouldn’t call it being nice, I would say its announcing your willingness to be his doormat. We tend to martyr ourselves in this way. I have always been ‘too nice’ and have too often been repaid with muddy foot prints on my back. I’ve learned that what I thought was being nice in the face of disrespect, was really acting desperate to earn someone’s affection or approval under the guise of being nice, or just plain having no backbone. Be nice to you, Complicated. Block. Block. Block. Flush the turd.
Wow Complicated, your description of visiting the MM only to be dumped (because he was having dessert) sounds precisely like what Natalie is describing in this post. It may be that as OW’s we feel these intense, all emcompassing, consuming feelings but they don’t. As Natalie says: “And maybe that’s what’s so incredibly difficult to get your head around in these situations; how can you be feeling these feelings ‘alone’?” You have been alone, even when you went to see the AC. Even if he hot footed it back to you, it would consist of daily texts weekdays from 8 to 5? That’s it? Not that anything else with a MM is expected but geez. He was having dessert and it wasn’t you or with you. He was having dessert with his wife as a married man should. I’d turn in your OW and returning childhood sweetheart cards. Listen to Fearless and the others. Don’t be a doormat and hope for an upgrade. I’m still dusting my backside off from doormat status. You really will see a difference if you can turn the focus to you. Think of something you can do for yourself tomorrow. One tiny little thing. It’s been amazing when I do just one tiny little thing for me.
Complicated
Block him.
One day, if you still remember it, you will laugh at that time you got upset over a FB update about a freakin sports team.
It’s not even a crumb Complicated, it’s a tenth of a crumb.
Take charge of your life, you don’t have to be jerked around like a puppet by every FB update, every measly text, every disappearing act, every reappearance, every false promise, every ambiguous statement.
You don’t “keep in touch” with him. You don’t “talk” to him. You’re not friends. It’s FB updates and texts. If you’ve been following the comments here, you may have noticed that there’s been a sudden epidemic in overuse of texting. It’s not that special. Okay, I did accidentally see a special text on my sister-in-law’s phone as I was looking at photos of the dog:
“Wifey, it was so nice lying in bed with you this morning, cuddling and chatting”
I was embarrassed, cos that’s my brother saying that. But I was happy for him. And proud of him for being a good husband.
These are not the texts we are getting!
“Wifey, it was so nice lying in bed with you this morning, cuddling and chatting”
Yes, Grace, ain’t that a whole different message! That’s what it looks like when there are two people in it, mutually! Good reminder of what it’s suppose to look like. In contrast, two days ago I got: “Right. I am an arsehole. I don’t know why anyone would want to know me”
How sad and solo is that – for him! So glad I no longer feel compelled to deal with those kinda gloom and doom messages. How depressing. For him!
Well, I had a “suck it and see” moment. I did break NC and reply to that text saying “I’m sorry. Is that my team in first place?” that was sent to me last night.
I replied: “Was that a personal apology or are you saying sorry because your team’s ranked higher?”
His reply: “Seen as I don’t think I have to apologize for anything cause I haven’t done anything wrong, I was talking about the rankings.”
**I did not reply again**
I wonder if his wife would agree with that statement of him not doing anything wrong? The wolf is completely out of sheep’s clothing and yes, I finally, finally, finally, see him for what he is. A complete total waste of human life on this earth who is incapable of even acknowledging what he’s done or how he knows I feel. No mention of the email I sent 2 weeks ago pouring out my feelings and how he’s contributed to this.
I’m off to the cell provider to block his number. I’m giving him the big EFF YOU by never again responding!! I just hope the feeling I typically get of “Oh, I hope he doesn’t think I’m mean by not responding” stays away. Somehow I always end up turning things around on myself to look like the bad guy. I don’t want to do that anymore. I once saw a glimmer of potential in him, of the man I wanted him to be, a man I thought he could be with me. But, I’m not betting on potential again. He saw me as a sports buddy with fringe benefits. I will no longer be the one who enables him to do this to his wife. Here’s me turning in my OW cards.
Complicated
Yay, no more texts!
Go team!
*applause*
There is nothing else to do with OW cards, Comp, but turn them in cos they are useless. You are at least starting to see the crap more for what it is.
He is misbehaving and his wife would be rightfully furious with him – and with you! But he would tell his wife that there was nothing in it, that all he did was send you sports update text messages.
I had a ‘boyfriend’ once many years ago who I realised was also seeing someone else… he told me “but she’s just like one of the boys” – funny that comes to mind right now thinking about what this jackass would have to say to his wife – just one of the boys. On the topic of the post – your MM would present this to his wife as nothing remotely like a mutual relationship; that you may have been in love with him – that wasn’t his fault – and that you were in it all by yourself – that he had barely clapped eyes on you. And he wouldn’t be all that far wrong. He has covered his own ass!
Hi Fearless,
Yep, he treated me like one of the boys alright except for the fact in addition to the sports bantering he planned for us to meet in hotels, sightsee while holding hands, and asking me to sext and text him ‘pictures’ (sooo glad I didn’t do the sexting and sending pictures…he probably wouldn’t have just looked at them to get him excited before heading into the room with his wife). Oh, that hurt to think about. Also, when I think about how cruel he treated me, I now have a list of things he did to look at when I feel weak…it angers me (to say the least). He threw out the bait and I took it hook, line and sinker like a desperate fish in water. The feelings I developed for him may not have been mutual but he was definitely making the effort to reel me in (when he wanted to 4 years ago). He was able to disconnect whenever he felt like it. It wasn’t just one-sided, he made the effort to win me over…he just didn’t want to make the effort to keep me, nor should he have since he was married. I don’t want to guess what he was thinking, because I’ll never really know. All I can go by are his actions and they said loud and clear, “I don’t want to make the effort for you, I just want you to be there when I want an ego stroke or a little distraction.” Just don’t understand why he did on a daily basis for a year. Oh well, it doesn’t matter anyways now because I’m not his option anymore. Even though I still hurt and probably will for sometime, I’m getting through this. Wish I’d never agreed to be his friend in the first place knowing it would end like this. Hindsight really is 20/20.
Comp,
“asking me to (sext) and text him ‘pictures”
Okay. Am going to say it – What. A. Scumbag.
Any guy – maybe other than your husband (but even that would give me the grue) who asks you to send him “pictures” makes me want to be sick. I feel very angry about that on your behalf Comp – what a slimy ming-mong this man is. He can’t show up for more than ten effin minutes after you’ve tralleved across the country to see him and he thinks he can ask for “pictures” – Eeeewwww! Thank God you did not provide!
I had a horrid dream once: it was morning time; I was getting married that day to the ex arse, my mother was getting things all ready – I felt anxious and stressed cos I didn’t know how to tell her not to bother as I knew he wouldn’t show up! (that was the short version). Yep, that was my subconscious telling me I was in this ALL by myself – and I knew it! (he was actually never late and always showed up when he said he would; the dream was not about that – but about me knowing he was not ‘in this’ with me. He was a ‘no show’)
When I was in the worst of NC I had ghastly full-on images in my sleep of great shards of broken glass scraping, scratching, screeching through my brain. I would wake up trying to shake the glass out of my head.
During the ‘relationship’ I had lots of dreams about the ex arse being an arse to me; usually based on a theme of ‘rejection’. All very Horrid. I never had pleasant dreams about him come to think of it. All very indicative of being ‘in it on your own’. Our dreams tell us a lot about what we are anxious about and trying to suppress- they are warnings.
I hear what you’re saying Comp. I know he did not entirely discourage you and tried to keep you invested for his own FWB agenda. Bottom line is he is a no-gooder. He is responsible for his behaviour, yes, but equally you are responsible for yours. He has treated you badly but so have you. That’s all I saying.
You will get past this. You will! Time and distance. And a daily does of reality. Honest conversations with yourself – get yourself on a bullshit diet! Stick with it! Life is better than this!
Thanks Fearless,
. I didn’t sleep well at all last night. My sports team played and I knew if they won, which they did, they’d be ranked higher than the ex EUMM’s team. That’s one of the things we always bantered about alot. It’s probably habit (mixed in with a little hope) that I look at my phone to see if the text notification light is on. No light was on. But, I caught myself asking why I would want to hear from him anyways. Is this a normal part of NC? To still want to hear from them even though we’re the one’s who’ve decided to cut contact? What do you do in the middle of the night when you findd yourself having these thoughts and wanting to hear from a scumbag (if you did want to hear from them)? I’ve recognized early morning and late night to be my triggered times to think of him. In the morning, I get on here and read and write, but nighttime has become the worst. I wish there was a live forum we could all chat on (Hint, Hint, BR admins) 
!!
Yep, the ex EUMM asking for ‘pictures’ was a BIG red flag and I at least was smart enough to notice it. Can’t help but wonder why he would ask that now after all these years. He’s never asked for pictures before. But, one of my friends had a good point saying that is his way of getting what he wants from me without having to spend time with me. I’m not sure what I’ll do when comments are closed off for this topic!! It is so beneficial to me right now in the midst of NC to hear back from all of you. I guess I’ll just have to continue writing about my journey on another article Natalie posts
Wow. So many parallels. Just before I learned my MM was lying and playing both his wife and myself, I had a horribly disturbing dream about large equipment crashing through my windshield and disfiguring me. I woke and wrote down my memories of the dream, and upon rereading them the next day, I was shocked to see that I’d wrtitten something about how, in my dream, I knew my MM was a “snake” and that “I DID NOT TRUST HIM.” I even dreamed that my cell phone was broken in the accident, and that I was so upset because “it was my lifeline.” Pathetic!
And yes… I sent the nudie photos he wanted and his wife and her friends found them on his computer a couple of weeks ago. I’m mortified.
Now that the EU/MM has been blocked, I just downloaded Natalie’s Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl 2nd Edition. I already have the first edition. Hopefully, all the tools she provides me along with reading, reading, and more reading here on BR, and blogging til I run out of things to say haha, will get me through this difficult time. Thanks everyone for your comments and inspiration. Without all of you, I’d probably be trying to book another flight to see him and try to “win him back”..even though he wasn’t mine to begin with. I plan to save that money and buy a few manicures and spa treatments for myself
. The hardest part will be learning how to manage the anxiety and panic attacks that happen during the day/weeks when I realize I haven’t heard anything from him.
I do know what you are going through, Comp. I, too, had an affair for eight months with a married man who never had any intention of leaving his wife. Although the affair was of shorter duration that what you describe, I got over it by deleting contact and just reminding myself constantly how f***ing awful it felt to be with him, how sick to my stomach I felt after sleeping with him, knowing it would be weeks before we would see each other again, that he would ignore any of my attempts to contact him and dictate our meetings solely on his terms. I used the unsent letter and read postings from BR. I carried a “cheat sheet” (Ha) detailing the most abusive, mean texts, comments, lousy ways he treated me, etc. and read it when I was feeling low. I worked out, partied with my girlfriend, got pedicures and just generally treated myself with love and care. I’m a singer so I went to karaoke nights as much as I could. Pushing yourself to get out and do things you love and are good at helps. It was difficult but I learned that I never want to feel marginalized and disrespected in that way again and have no desire to be with a married man again. Gradually, you will feel your self-esteem rising. Love & give to yourself. I’m not someone’s option and neither are you! Natalie’s great quote became my mantra: “He is not that special and you are not that desperate.” Good Luck! I know you can do it!
@Complicated.
congratulations on blocking his number! Suggest you de-friend him on facebook too. What was your life like before you met him? Were you not happier and lighter and do you not miss that side of you? If you find yourself crying over your loss of him, maybe it’s more of crying over the loss of yourself/dreams (nothing to do with him the person)? I see so much of myself reflected in you, what you narrated about crying alone in his city, the 2-hour face times is precisely my experience too. At some point we have to wake up and not further humiliate ourselves. There’s a psychosis in some of us that maddeningly needs a reply, response or attention, from first-class assclowns– that issue of why we need this, is far more worthwhile, real and interesting to explore than trying to squeeze our brains dry as to why our feelings aren’t reciprocated, by an assclown! That kind of love isn’t love, its suicidal obsession. Don’t grovel in the mud for love. Don’t let anyone degrade you (everyone is right here– think of how you’ve been abusing yourself!) Don’t turn yourself into a beggar child desperate for love, crumbs, or fluffy sweet-nothings. No one is worth that.
Hi JadeSesame,
. It’s funny you ask what life was like before him because I’ve been asking myself that question alot lately. I was definitely lighter, but not so much happier (well, comparing that to how I feel right now wouldn’t be fair, because I don’t feel so good right now). I have good friends but I was lonely. I do remember not having the anxiety of why I haven’t heard from him that day or being on the emotional rollercoaster of ups and downs when I did hear from him (and he just bantered without anything of substance). But, I also remember the feeling I had before as if something was missing. Before we reunited, I had dreams of him for years. We were never together in these dreams. In one I can recall, I was in a RV driving uphill trying to get to him and the roads being so icy I kept slipping downhill. In another dream, I went to the church where he was being married but the crowds were so thick I couldn’t get to him. There were lots of dreams of me trying to get to him over the years before we reunited 4 years ago. I have said lots of things on this website about how badly he treated me, but we did have good times and he did make me laugh…not as much as he made me cry though and I’m holding onto that feeling as much as possible to keep me strong. I enjoyed the daily laughters, bantering and just talking about what was going on in our lives and that’s the part I miss most. That’s the daily void I’m feeling right now. I still wake up and look at my phone to see if somehow a message got through and the notification light is going off. Sad, but I’m just being honest. I agree with you, I believe I find myself crying at the loss of what I wanted/dreamt/hoped to have, etc…albeit with someone who wasn’t available. My bad. My feelings weren’t reciprocated and bottom line, I deserve someone who is capable of having feelings for me..and being able to express and acknowledge those feelings.
It’s always good to hear from you
Blueberry Girl,
I love the idea of a cheat sheet!! I made one for myself last night. The sad part is I know he’s not a bad guy, I’ve known him for 16 years, he just didn’t treat me the way I wanted to be treated. Because he was married. And he knew it could never go anywhere, and I really wanted it to. Maybe everything he did and how he treated me was to keep me at “arms length” as someone said so he wouldn’t allow himself to feel anything for me.
He’s not a bad guy? Why do you believe that, Complicated? Ok maybe things aren’t so clear and black and white and people aren’t so neatly divided into good/bad categories, but there’s overwhelming evidence to suggest that he’s a selfish, unfeeling cad. How badly must he behave before he qualifies as being a bad guy in your eyes?
This believe/imaginary construct, of “he does XXX deliberately, so he won’t allow himself to feel anything for me”, or “he does XXX but he’s actually feeling YYY” is just dangerous territory for one to be inhabiting, Complicated. What would it take for you to recognize what he is? I’ve often thought that I want rejection and NO practically spat on my face, which would make it unequivocally necessary to move on but no these guys, they don’t do that, they hang around and milk you for all you’re worth. So the onus is on you to retreat and save yourself! Why should they back off? There’s no reason to when they’re reaping all the benefits.
Hi JadeSesame,
. My mouth fell open when I read your sentence “I’ve often thought that I want rejection and NO practically spat on my face, which would make it unequivocally necessary to move on..”. That’s exactly what I have wanted all these years. I’ve even told him that several times over the years!!! I said “If you don’t want to communicate with me or hear from me again, just let me know and I’ll respect that.” But, of course, he never said anything like that….it’s easier to string someone along when you don’t tell them to go away point blank. You’re right again, why would he want to go away when he’s the one reaping all the benefits. I recognize and know what he truly is in my head…it’s the other non-logical part I’m working on. The part that remembers how he looked at me and how I felt when we were together, holding hands, when he said “You know how much i care, I’m just not good at expressing my thoughts and feelings to someone else,” etc. I believed it all. Insert shake head here. Gotta keep those memories out. It really is dangerous territory for me. I know he is not a good guy, I just really wanted him to be.
Me again
This is so painful to read because it’s so true, and I can identify with it all. I begged my MM to just “spell it out for me as if I were a retarded child” (sorry, I know how offensive that sounds) if he wanted to be done with me, because he kept stringing me along with promises.
I’m also kicking myself right now, because he used to always say things about how he showed me how much he loved me by making love to me; that by his physical ministrations he could express what he felt for me best. Duh. That’s because he couldn’t show me with trust, care, love, friendship and support like a normal man.
“Maybe everything he did and how he treated me was to keep me at “arms length” as someone said so he wouldn’t allow himself to feel anything for me.”
Oh dear.
Nat has a saying that I’m trying to recall – it helped me a lot, it goes something like: when someone can’t resist you they don’t resist you.
It doesn’t matter why he is resisting you – he IS resisting you. That’s the top line info. that’s what you need to process. You are making excuses for him now but you are making more excuses for yourself. If only I could make him see how much he loves and desires me and make him stop resisting what he really wants and feels?? If only I had a magic wand. Or some fairy dust?
Totally. I have taped this quote up in my kitchen more times than I care to admit when my MM broke up with me: “A man who loves a woman will move mountains to be with her.”
Another favorite is, “Here’s what guys do when they can’t live without you: they don’t break up with you.”
“They always choose their family,” and “Unless he’s all yours, he’s still hers,” are gems as well.
Uggghhh… this hurts.
Complicated
16 years is a long time to wait for someone to come up with the goods. I have an ex eum who has been waiting for me for over 20 years. He is probably still waiting. I got an email from him a year or so ago which I ignored.
In the end I had to do the decent thing and cut him off. I hope he can give up the fantasy of me. He was annoying me as well with his expectations and declarations of love.
I’m not a bad person either but I couldn’t give him what he wanted.
Mind you, I didn’t have sex with him and leave him crying in hotel rooms anywhere.
There are lots of men out there who aren’t bad guys who are also not married and who are also capable of a loving relationship. Why not go for the jackpot now.
PS as you know I have been following your comments and you’ve not said a single thing about this guy which makes his sound like he’s not a bad guy. In fact, the more you say about him the less I like him.
Hi Grace,
Thanks for sharing your experience with the ex eum with me. The more I think about what my ex EU has done, the less I like him too. I made a list of all the cruel and unusual things he’s done to me to read when I’m feeling weak. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t listed out all the things I liked about him on this site. Yes, there were plenty of good things, but the bad far outweighed the good, which is why I’m here on this site. Also, I’m trying not to think of the good times and how he made me laugh, how I felt when we were together and had our quiet times because it makes me start to think maybe things weren’t so bad (yes, my head knows they were bad..it’s my heart that’s taking time to catch up) and I don’t want to go there. As Jade Sesame and I discussed, I wanted him to answer my question of “Do you want to stop communicating with me? If so, I will respect that and stay away.” He never answered me all the times I asked that over the years. I wanted him to at least say “No, I don’t feel the same about you” or “I can’t communicate with you anymore” but he never did that. I gave him sooo many opportunities to do this, but clearly he didn’t want to lose the distractions and ego stroke I gave. I don’t know what he’s thinking, I can only speculate and go by his actions. I’m just ready to not think about him anymore and I don’t want to feel anything for him anymore either. Seems it should be easy to let go of and not care about someone who treats us like crap…right??
@Complicated, no many how idiosyncratic and special his witticisms were, how much he made you laugh and all, what’s important to realize is that he was not good for you. Of course he wanted to keep communication channels open, but not the sort of communication you envision– to get a cheap thrill out of knowing you were still obsessed about him, to get a part time response to SMS sports bantering. You both were playing in two different fields, with no common game or goal. You can’t force him to play your game because he’s married.
“The part that remembers how he looked at me and how I felt when we were together, holding hands, when he said “You know how much i care, I’m just not good at expressing my thoughts and feelings to someone else,””.
Yes this can be the hardest to come to terms with. Maybe, maybe he *did* feel something in the moment, but the fleeting moment might be the answer to this man, all governed by cheap, vulgar romantic impulses. You see, I think most of us want this to be build upon/translated into something sustaining, meaningful, lasting, but that takes real effort and time, it’s a hell lot easier to spew out sweet nothings, easier to play love-struck, do these pseudo meaningful gazes, posturings. Ultimately, it’s a persona that you were dealing with, not a person. Your ex sounds abhorrent and no you don’t have to convince us by extolling his good qualities. The fact is that he has treated you shabbily. That is irredeemable.
I’ll say one last thing about “being nice” and having “good qualities”. I think they can be inflated and magnified, when the overwhelming reality is one of dysfunctionalism and rottenness. So when we get glimpses and sporadic glimmers of what appears to be goodness, we cling onto it for dear life and replay these instances over and over to ourselves. Sorry if I sound harsh, Complicated. I’m just trying to see if you can be a bit more objective in your assessment of this man whom you idealize and adore. You seem to be almost numb to his abuse of you. Why are you in love with someone who has abused you? Getting on a plane to pursue him at this moment?! I’m glad you found BR and that it’s provided a kind of intervention somehow. Take a vacation for yourself!!!!
@ Complicated
BLOCK HIM on FB if you haven’t already.
Facebook is really the tool of the devil and as long as you are friends with him and keeping tabs…you. won’t. move. on.
I know this from personal experience. I used to look at my exes page a lot. Sometimes mutual friends and EVERY TIME I looked I saw something I really didn’t like and it set me back a few days in recovery. Even seeing him commenting on a mutual friends status was enough to drive me to tears. So I blocked him and deleted mutual friends of ours I wasn’t close to.
NC equals NC. Facebook equals contact. Cut him off on FB and I promise you won’t regret it. Facebook is keeping you invested. I had to say I felt for you when you said you hit a ‘like’ on his friends page by accident. This used to be my worst nightmare. I wouldn’t even want him to have the satisfaction of knowing I was thinking of him.
Block.
@ Complicated
Jade Sesame is right to ask,”How badly must he behave before he qualifies as being a bad guy in your eyes?”
He took advantage of your attention and affection. He ignored your needs and feelings. He treated you with disrespect and disinterest. Get real about his contribution to your pain. He is a complicit guest at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Delete. Block. Erase. Stop punishing yourself with “good” memories; save them for later when you’re stronger. By your own admission, they weren’t as frequent as the ones that made you cry. Tears trump “talking about about what was going on in our lives.”
Blueberry girl. you are so right – all the crap and the misery is no compensation for a load of texts messages about ‘what was going on in our lives’. The irony of that is what strikes me most because there married men are most definitely NOT telling the OW what is going on in his life. If the MM were to talk (or text) openly and frankly to the OW about that is going on in his life she’d die with her legs up!
Comp – he was not sharing anything of any consequence with you about what was going on in his life. Believe me. We really are on our tod in these ‘relationships’, sharing all what’s going on in our lives with someone whose over-riding objective is to make sure we discover as little as possible about what’s going on in his. We are sharing all by ourselves!
Fearless,
“Sharing all what’s going on in our lives with someone whose over-riding objective is to make sure we discover as little as possible about what’s going on in his.”
Funny you typed that one particular sentence. In my ‘unacknowledged email’ I sent a few weeks ago, I stated “I can count on my hand the amount times you asked how I was doing and about my weekend.” Every week I had to ask what he was doing over the weekend…it wasn’t offered up…nor did he hardly ever ask about mine. You’re spot on – he wanted to make sure I knew as little as possible about what was going on in his life and acted if he didn’t have any personal interest in me half the time. I remember him telling me one weekend he was going camping. The following Monday, I asked what he did camping alone (yes, I knew he wasn’t alone) and he responded with “I wasn’t alone, we went camping with some friends.” He has never used her name or said she was going with him. He always said “I’m going to do X or I’m going home”. His family lives a few hours away and I’m sure she didn’t stay behind every time he went. Just interesting because it was always portrayed as if he was a single bachelor even though I knew he wasn’t. I hate this whole situation. Can’t believe I allowed myself to end up here. I guess I wanted it to work out because that way, taking a chance on a MM wouldn’t have been wrong because it ended up working out with the two of us together as we were meant to be years ago. I wanted to be validated that my feelings and actions over the past 4 years weren’t just a waste. I guess they were and I’ll have to come to terms with that. Hopefully time and distance will put things into perspective and heal my stupid heartache.
Complicated, the only guys who have ever asked me to sext or send dirty pics with them have been attached.
It’s not the ‘good things’ that determine whether you can have a relationship or can be used as reasons to stay – if there’s the existence of ‘bad things’ or code amber or red issues, they trump everything, even the ‘good’ or your chemistry.
Ultimately, while I know you feel differently, your ex is a dickhead. His behaviour is abominable and manipulative. If you’re going to love someone, love someone with integrity that wouldn’t piss you around.
And I’m going to say something I’ve been meaning to say to you for a while – you don’t own him and I don’t see a ring on your finger. It doesn’t matter if you dated him ‘first’ – that doesn’t give you a claim. If you let go of what is quite frankly a flimsy history between you both where he also gave you a crap run the first time around, you will take this man off his pedestal and see him for what he is – completely unspecial and a fraud.
Hi Blueberry girl, Fearless, and Jade Sesame,
To be honest, I don’t think there is much more he could do to treat me worse. Everything I would never want a future daughter to go through, I’ve been through. I became the all-you-can-eat buffet and did everything you can imagine to win him over. I pursued, pulled away, gave him calling cards as presents so he could call me anonymously, flew ‘basically’ to his front door to see him (only my money was spent), catered to his every whim, forgave him when he treated me like crap every time. Damn it!! I deserved to be treated with some decency and human kindness. I want to be furious with him!!! Why aren’t I??!! It even crossed my mind last night to put all the email messages (there’s over 2000 of them…yep, 2000+….NOT including text messages!!!) into a zip file and email them to his wife. Oh, I kept them all! But that would only hurt her and make me look like the bad guy. If I could have one wish with the “magic wand and fairy dust” Fearless is going to give me haha…it would be to receive an apology from him. Yes, I put myself out there and was vulnerable for him to hurt me, but that doesn’t make it right that he in fact did take advantage of my feelings and attention. But, no that won’t happen because just two days ago he said “I don’t think I have to apologize for anything since I haven’t done anything wrong.” Wow. When will I get out of this grieving stage and into the hating stage?? That will come soon…right??
Ps. thank you all for sticking with me through this. I could never express my gratitude enough.
Complicated, It seems to me you are in the hate stage already. You are blaming him and ready to make him pay for something you willingly enacted with him. The best that you can do IMO is to go through your grief and NEVER fool around with a MM or an attached man again…use this as the learning situation that it has been. If you choose the vengeance please be prepared for the ugly results. Not long ago there was a reader/poster named Ms. Option who was also struggling with a MM situation. She and Ms. Runnergirl went through their struggles and only one of them seemed to really want to move on…what are you going to choose?
Complicated,
I do not claim to have kept up with the nuances of your relationship with this weak man and the painful separation anxiety you clearly feel but I balked when I read your comment about sending e mails to his wife…hold on there!!!
Hasn’t she been put through enough already? To thrive or even fantasize about thriving on how this would upset the applecart is concerning at least and sure to end horribly.
I recall your earlier comments about this same guy from a blog about fantasy relationships/being in a relationship that doesn’t exist(March/April 2010) last year when you also described yourself as ‘married with children?’ If you are still married, what are you investing in that relationship?
Do you pursue this fantasy relationship because of the nature of your marriage…what gives? It seems like you are ‘diverting’ energy,focus,positive force for good(not to mention hard cash!) to this worthless cause rather than concentrating on the reality of your commitment to your family and husband.
Boy, I sound harsh there and pain is pain, I get it.. but the only person who doesn’t seem to give an eff is the guy who wants the sex pics??
NML,
I love the advice you are after giving Complicated here (and very sound advice for Complicated too).
“It’s not the ‘good things’ that determine whether you can have a relationship or can be used as reasons to stay – if there’s the existence of ‘bad things’ or code amber or red issues, they trump everything, even the ‘good’ or your chemistry.
“If you’re going to love someone, love someone with integrity that wouldn’t piss you around.”
I’m going to copy and paste this and stick it as the background of my desktop lol!
Complicated, you asked: “Is this a normal part of NC? To still want to hear from them even though we’re the one’s who’ve decided to cut contact?”
A resounding YES, from my personal experience. I wanted validation and confirmation that I mattered. I think the first few weeks, first month is the hardest. Habits are hard to break, especially relationships based on dependency. You seem to be in a major (self-generated?) psychological entanglement, Complicated and while it’s important to fully acknowledge one’s feelings and not suppress them, I think there’s a risk of not thinking through issues with clarity and productively. So instead of channeling energies towards moving on, we become stagnant, replay out pain over and over again, asking the less significant questions (why doesn’t he want me vs. what the hell am I doing with a low-life loser like him?/Why am I in love with someone who shows ZERO interest in my life?)
I know it’s easy to glorify and romanticize first-loves, Complicated. You keep narrating how you met him before his wife and how special that was. In my case, my ex-EUM was the first man I really felt in love, was fully aroused by and wanted to sleep with/make love to, after being very indifferent to men having been in same sex relationships for 8 years. So I was quite adamant about his special status, that there was some magic in him, the only/first man who lit my loins on fire, something irreplaceable, special, extraordinary, timeless, infinite! I *didn’t* want to entertain the possibility of another man. It’s these stories we tell ourselves that keep us entrapped, prison-bound to these damaging self-destructive romances you know? Ultimately, we have to choose whether or not we want to spend our lives in some fantasy one-way relationship (being a part time SMS lover is the lowest of the low), or descend to reality.
You won’t get the apology you’re looking for. To make moving on contingent upon HIS apology, is still a form of dependency, fixation. He’s shown you time and time again he’s not interested in your business, whatever pain you have, is purely yours to deal with. He won’t “dirty” his hands. We find it in ourselves to move on, for autonomous reasons, we don’t ask him for assistance to help us to move on. That’s a death knell. In fact, I’d wager to say that I’m not sure if an apology might help you to move on!
Your inability to get angry, is something worth exploring for yourself, Complicated. Just as your ex-AC is severely deficient in his abilities to empathize, you seem to have your anger truncated, suppressed, misdirected, arriving belatedly etc. All those past incidents of being stood up, crying in a hotel room– were you not angry at all? Is this the first time you’re being aware of anger in yourself? Do you ever get angry with friends? Do you try to appease everyone and in general, internalize things as being your fault, when something goes wrong?
The greatest tragedy in all this, is not lost love. Feels like it when a man rejects us but it isn’t the end of the world! It’s the loss, degradation and dehumanization of our whole, beautiful selves to pathetic doormats, in such an encounter. *That* is what we should be shedding tears for.
We all say that we want love, respect and decency. The question that one can ask is, do we think we *really* deserve it? If not, why do we continue to throw ourselves at people who abuse (it’s important you recognize and face up to what he’s done to you!) us time and time again?
fearless, grace, jennynic, LoJ, complicated, blueberrygirl, runner…
thanks from me for the amazing comments in this thread. really, thanks.
this post is great, and the comments are just what i need. these situations can be so different, but they share the same dna and elicit the same longing and grief.
there’s something very compelling about the extreme asymmetry of complicated’s story that gets everyone rooting for her and bringing out the heaviest ammo, and it is inspiring and really helpful to me right now.
Hi ixnay,
I’m glad you are being inspired by the comments here on this site. It has been a godsend to me. If it weren’t for the people here, I don’t know where I’d be. It’s especially helpful to know most if not everyone on here has been through what I’m going through to some degree so it makes their comments and advice even more valid to my situation.
Comp,
re your post firther up the page: yes, it is normal to want to hear from him even when you realise that you have to end it. It’s about the validation seeking and also the sheer habit of it all and also the loss of hope and also the terrible need not to be ‘wrong’ about him and your investment in him- we spent a lot of time investing and we made big investments in these men; it’s hard to admit your investment was bad! It’s hard to admit that you were very very wrong and hard to cash in your chips cos you expected a return on your money! You have to realise, as I did through some tough messages on here from Nat and others, that you ARE wrong; that you have made a bad investment and you will NEVER see a return on it, so leaving the casino with what chips you have left is what you must do but it takes time to un-invest; it won’t happen over-night; it didn’t take you a week or two to get your head into this mess and it’s not going to take a week or two to clean it out. Be patient. Stop fighting it. Give up! Lie back (think of England!) and ride the waves.
I think the validation seeking is the thing that has to be conquered. This is what keeps us in these things all by ourselves; it’s not that we are really daft enough to really think we are having a mutual, both people in it relationship – we just hope it will be like that ONE day – we are betting on what we think the future could potentially hold; we are betting on what we perciev and imagine his potential to be, but his potential actually does not exist. This MM guy actually has NO potential for you and never has had (neither did mine for me!).
This post is getting a bit long… I wanted to say something re Nat’s post here about validation seeking but I’ll do that in another comment now as I do tend to prattle on! (and on… and on…!)
Ixnay:
“there’s something very compelling about the extreme asymmetry of complicated’s story…”
Yes, I think so too.
Smee again! I m thinking that I stopped being in love all by myself (with ex self confessed arsey man) when I kicked the validation seeking. I keep re-iterating to Comp that she has to put his behaviour aside for a moment (not that I don’t think MM is a toerag) and think about her own behaviour. I’m not trying in any way to minimise his shifty and manipulative treatment, but I think when we can really examine how badly we treated ourselves then we can begin to see that having thought so little of ourselves is the driver that gets us into and keeps us in these non-mutual/in love by yourself mind-sets.
It’s very hard to continue to be in love all by yourself when you can validate yourself, treat yourself with care, love and respect. We are in these situations because WE do not love, care and respect OURSELVES. So Comp can think as long and hard as she likes about how badly he has treated her – how he did not give her love, care or respect – but until she really gets that while his lack of these things is not good, the real cause of her current problem is not that he didn’t treat her with these things but that SHE didn’t treat her with these things.
And until she starts to get this she will be seeking validation from him till the cows come home; him or some other git-faced, using tosser coming along after him.
Comp, until I saw how badly I had treated me, I just didn’t get it. When I saw that I then saw that I was more a victim of my own shoddy treatment of ME than I was of his shoddy treatment of me. I don’t feel like a victim at all now (not that I don’t feel angry and right to be with the ex for his nonsense – but that is a separate thing); I feel more like: I did this to me/how could I have been so horrid TO ME’/ I need to love and care for and respect myself/I deserve that -from ME! I am owed that -from ME!. I will get that now – from ME!
So with that I derobed myself of my victim status. I stopped hoping he’d phone/text/email/I stopped needing his validation/I stopped feeling like crap cos he was not getting in touch… and I stopped being in love all by myself in a non-mutual, nothing more that FWB “relationship”.
The only person you should be in love with all by yourself is YOU. Comp, the answer lies with you (in here), not with him (not out there).
Hey ladies,
I’ve been refraining from commenting again on this thread for fear of being redundant but I couldn’t resist based on Fearless’ last execellent comment. I still remember being in the phase where I was blaming him for treating me like shite (in fact I still do at times) and hanging on his stupid words, while ignoring his arse-hole actions. I also remember when I woke up one morning with eyes swollen shut, hair on fire, and read an article in the paper about what a wonderful speech he gave at a black tie event the night before. He was out giving motivating speeches looking daunting, tall, dark handsome, although had gained some weight, with his wife by his side, while I was sitting at home crying and setting my hair afire and losing weight. What the what? It was that moment Natalie and all of your words sank in. What is/was my responsibility to me? I couldn’t only blame him for treating me like shite. I treated me like shite too. For me, it’s been a long road of realizing I could never, ever, ever be in a mutually, loving, caring relationship with a married man cos he’s married. A long road of realizing that the only one watching out for me has to be me. A long road of realizing that I really do deserve better than crumbs. For 2 years, I ragged on him about always getting the dregs, my word for crumbs. And then, a long road recognizing my accountability in accepting the dregs. I don’t know where I’d be without you all. Thank you.
Complicated, it really is about being accountable to you. As Fearless says, it is not to minimize his manipulation. Ixnay’s comment summed it up nicely for me: “there’s something very compelling about the extreme asymmetry of complicated’s story that gets everyone rooting for her and bringing out the heaviest ammo, and it is inspiring and really helpful to me right now.” It’s the similarity in extreme asymmetry of all of our FBG stories that helped me and helped me finally got me to root for me. Root for you Complicated. You can be your best fan. Go Team Former FBG’s.
I am with you runner!
“A long road of realizing that the only one watching out for me has to be me.”
When we are in these situations we put our hearts, our future and our own well-being into “his” hands. We hand over all our power, all personal responsibility, all personal accountability for ourselves and our own emotional well-being. What makes us think he is even capable of taking care of our emotional well-being or being responsible and accountable to take care of it or even that he wants to take care of it? In fact he shows us quite plainly that he doesn’t want the job, even if we were right to hand it over to him, which we are not. Our relationship behaviour with these kinds of EUM/MM/FBG situations amounts to self-neglect at best, self harming at worst.
What I have learned, like you runner, is that I was beyond foolish to hand that kind of power (and responsibility) over to another human being, whoever they are.
And if we were able to be honest with ourselves we would see that he is (for whatever reason) NOT in fact assuming ANY responsibility or accountability for our personal well-being. He hasn’t applied for that job! We foist it upon him. We ignore the information and communication (the red and amber flags) coming at us from “him” at out own peril. We turn a blind eye to the obvious fact that he is not in a position to and/or even capable of looking out for our emotional well-being – yet we let him do it any way – and he does a very bad job of it – like, what else would he do! It’s like asking (begging?) Jack the Ripper to see you safely home on a dark night because other than the cloak and dagger he seemed like such a nice man. It’s like leaving your house keys with a blatantly dodgy neighbour (who has given you no reason to think you can trust them) then being shocked and horrified and not a little amused when you get home to find you’ve been robbed rotten. It doesn’t make your neighbour right – but you should be more careful with what you do with your keys.
@ Fearless
“It’s like asking (begging?) Jack the Ripper to see you safely home on a dark night because other than the cloak and dagger he seemed like such a nice man.”
And then we wonder why we’re on the floor bleeding, right?
Complicated, I knew I’d grown when I looked back on one of my posts here and saw all the sentences beginning with “I” instead of a stream of “He did this” and “He said that” laments. To reiterate runnergirl, it really is about turning your focus away from him and onto yourself. Invest in you; you’re a sure bet. Gambling on him has been a long, losing prospect.
Lynda from L,
The comment regarding me sending his wife the messages was simply that, a comment. No messages will be sent to her. Yes, she has been put through enough. I’m on this site to find happiness within and learn more about why I put myself in this predicament to start with. Yes, I am married and put more effort into this than I ever did with the ex EUMM. The personal verbal abuse, neglect, and disrespect I have endured for over a decade has not helped the situation, but no matter what has happened, I am not going to blame my husband for my actions because they were in fact my actions. I am on this site to get understanding for myself. Hopefully then i can focus on putting forth my best healthy efforts on someone else.
Fearless, blueberry girl, and runner girl,
Thank you for being some of my biggest cheerleaders! You helped me to see it is important to focus more on ourselves that we do on others. For so long, I thought the more I gave to someone else, the more I would receive. I learned the hard way too many times this is not true. The only one watching out for me, is me. Thank you for helping me to see this.
I met this guy from a dating site a few months back, we’ve been on three dates now…so few because we live 2 hours apart. We have good times together and he’s said the same. I brought up recently that I’m not so comfortable with he idea of him sleeping with other people. He said he isn’t looking for a relationship because of the new job/business he’s running. Yeah, he’s focused on other things. He also said that girlfriends take up time and money, something he doesnt really have at the moment.
I wanted to see what he was looking for, it seems that he wants companionship without a label and possibly going on dates with others (but not many because of the time and money situation).
I thought this over and told him that it’s established that we like each other and so we will see what happens as it happens. I’m not so surprised by his not wanting a relationship, but it’s a bit confusing on the date issue. We had glod times together, he is sweet, etc…
Does he just like going out? What do you guy think of this whole situation?
Zoe, you just agreed to be the Fallback Girl. He told you HE DOESN`T WANT A RELATIONSHIP. He doesn`t mean anything else by it, that is it, the most important thing you need to know. Instead of trying to figure out what it is that he wants – sit down and figure out what it is you want for yourself from a RELATIONSHIP/MAN in general, NOT FROM HIM. You say you are “not so comfortable” with the idea of him sleeping around, this sounds really as if you are not comfortable with it, but you are bendable to accepting it. It`s a mixed message, it sounds like you are ready to twist yourself into a pretzel for him. Something like that you are either comfortable with or not. I think you need to think of your boundaries and do you want a mutual relationship or are you going to be happy being a long distance Fallback Girl. I also think this situation needs a decision now, waiting to see what happens is a big mistake, as you are already focusing on good things (nice times together) rather than bad ( he doesn`t want a relationship). Take care.
Hi Zoe. I’m always uncomfortable when I read stories like this – I think you have a very different view of what is happening here to the reality, which is this:
You’ve been on three dates in three months – saying that you’ve had ‘good times’ is to grossly exaggerate. You should be saying that you’ve had three good dates and however many conversations. To add to this – you live two hours apart and he has made it clear – he doesn’t want a relationship which means you’re not in a relationship, you’re in a casual long distance arrangement.
Because what has happened between you both has been enough for you to decide you want a relationship, you think it should be enough for him – it’s not though.
I would seriously evaluate what a relationship looks like to you. It’s not that people don’t decide to be exclusive after three dates but they’re in agreement about it.
Guys who are good fun and nice *can* not want to be in a relationship – he wants to have ad hoc sex and chit chats. You are in a fantasy world – you’re trying to push your own agenda through the back door. When this all blows up in your face, he’ll remind you that he told you that he doesn’t want a relationship.
Whatever it is that you’re trying to ignore closer to home, it isn’t worth the pain ahead. Unless you only want a casual relationship, leave this man alone and heed what he’s said to you.
Reading this is a good wake up call. But I myself am not exactly sure what type of “relationship” I want. I too have my own things going on at home and have things to focus on…which is also his issue as well. I need to figure out what I want, but at this point I’m trying to figure out what type of arrangement this would be. I’m not so experienced to know exactly what “casual” dating really entails. I would like a relationship, yes….but I don’t know if right now is the right time.
Is his not wanting a relationship something that’s part of his confidence level too? It’s not just me he doesn’t want a relationship with, it’s with anyone else that may come along too…right?
Thank you for your response, I wish I could stop my feelings for him…but it’s not so easy for me. Being with him for that short amount of time and talking like we have been is not making this easier for me because I see that I really like him and I only wonder what’s going on in his mind…does he only want casual relationships with everyone?
Is he looking for a fallback girl to his life rather than another girl?
Zoe
A casual relationship looks like what you’ve got. You don’t like it. Therefore you don’t want a casual relationships.
If you don’t want a serious relationship either I would hang up your dating shoes and think about what you DO want.
Don’t go out there with no plan and hope that something will happen. Something will happen all right, but you ain’t gonna like it.
I’m not going to entertain what he may or may not want. As soon as you start putting their halfwit statements on the same level as your requirements, you’re doomed.
Oh Grace! Thank you! – you just made me burst out laughing for the first time in at least a week (I’ve been in black hole recently). And it’s not that any of this is funny, really – just so farcically, ridiculously true!! (and… it’s the way you tell ‘em!). Worth repeating:
“I’m not going to entertain what he may or may not want. As soon as you start putting their halfwit statements on the same level as your requirements, you’re doomed.”
Priceless.
How true is that! Zoe, you should listen up here.
Amen! Fearless, sending you a big squeezy hug xxx
Ah… a hug! Just what I’m needing! Thanks. And thanks some more. And same back to you. x
Zoe,
he is saying he doesn`t have feelings for you and is not planning on getting any. You are starting to like him. Save yourself a lot of heartache and stop it right there. Read all the comments people post on here and see where situations like yours lead. There isn`t a single happy ending to a story like yours. You are not an exception. Take care of yourself.
Zoe, you’re unavailable, hence why you are attracted to this guy *and* why you’re making up excuses for his behaviour and projecting your own mentality onto him. You’re both two separate individuals and based on only having three dates in a few months plus whatever contact, it is dangerously assumptive to decide that you’re both two peas in a pod.
You are talking in riddles – you say you don’t want him to sleep with other people which would mean exclusively sleeping with one another, which starts to take on the hallmarks of a relationship. He has told you he doesn’t want a relationship and has made clear that he doesn’t want to be exclusive – that’s what a casual relationship looks like, which is the one you’re in. You don’t need to ‘speculate’ on what it would involve – it’s what you have now, only more of it and with your requests for something *different* out in the open.
He doesn’t want a relationship because he doesn’t want a relationship. He may have 200 reasons for doing so, but based on the fact that he wants to shag around, use dating sites, and not spend money or have hassle, I think he’s given you four already… I’ll give you three more – he lives two hours away, he specifically says that he doesn’t have the time, and you’ve only seen him three times in three months. That’s seven reasons – there is no need to make up anything else.
“confidence level too” – Zoe, you need to turn off the clone machine. You may not want a relationship because you’re not confident – if that was his reasoning, it’s what he would have said.
You’re an option, which makes you a fallback. He’s sleeping with others, so they’re fallback’s too.
It would be more appropriate for you to seek help for your own issues rather than to investigate the crap out of why a man who lives two hours away that you’ve only seen three times and met on a dating site, doesn’t want to be sexually exclusive.
Yeah, I don’t want to be a fallback. I went to therapy to deal with some of these issues after dealing with another unavailable assclown. I don’t want to go through the same thing, I know I’m worth it, I don’t want to settle for being an option. I know that deep down it has nothing to do with me, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone but himself. I don’t like to see the worst in people, but your thoughts have put it in another perspective…he wants to go through dating sites to see what he can find. He may have told me that because of his time and money deterrents he won’t be going on dates like rapid fire, but that he likes them for the sake of them.
My feelings can’t just disappear overnight, but I don’t know what to do at this point, I don’t want to disappear…maybe distant friends.
I can’t tell what else is on his mind, but I don’t want to settle. I’m worth a lot more.
Zoe
Run like the wind.
Zoe
Natalie’s advice (and the other comments to you) is well worth heeding – you can’t pay for advice like Natalie’s – it’s as good as it gets! I suggest you read very carefully her current blog on heeding the top-line information and the comments of the readers here (including me) who ignored the top line info and are now paying the heavy price – this guy is telling you everything you need to know for you to make the right decision for yourself now – right now. He wants casual – non-committal – dates (and sex) with you and with other women on his own timetable and that is exactly what he will have, with or without you in the picture as one of his fallback options. Fine for him. Fine for you? Don’t you think you are worth a proper, mutual relationship? You are worth it – so why are you even considering this fallback girl position as maybe being okay for you?
I’d also say you must do as much reading as you can of Nat’s posts on BR – find the one about trying to get a relationship through the backdoor (as this is what you are doing, as Natalie has said to you – and it will not work!)
As an afterthought… does anyone, Zoe, really want the man we are having sex with to be actively seeking out his next date/shag on an internet dating site? Doesn’t the very idea make you want to go, yuck! Errr… no thanks?
fearless
yep, if any man ever trots out the “I haven’t got time and money for you, I want to see other women, I don’t want to see you very often, I don’t want a relationship,” I will either
a) disappear with dignity
b) laugh in his face and say “you got the wrong girl!”
c) tell him “Who do you think I am?”
b) and c) to be followed by a).
What I won’t be doing is
d) hang around, waiting to “see what happens” . I must have been OUT OF MY MIND to do that. There went my youth and my childbearing years.
Wait and see what happens? Pfft! Expect nothing, get nothing.
Fearless and Grace,
I just wish it was that easy, them actually rolling all this out in the open in plain view to see.
What I had was mixed messages, lots of good stuff, commitment on offer mixed with passive agressive mindfuckery and lies. And the fact that sometimes they actually believed in their own BS themselves, so it made it look really convincing. I ended up thinking it really was my insecurity and I wanted too much and wasn`t realistic. Down with the boundaries. I have been here for months, I still need this reality check ( which you two are great at) when will I REALLY believe in myself?
Sushi, mixed messages is a danger signal – it means you can’t trust the information you’re relying on for the fantasy of being together. Decent people with integrity who aren’t switchy, are consistent. Whether it’s mixed messages, mixed behaviour, mixed talk – it’s mixed, which means they’re backtracking, flip flapping, and bullshitting. Mixed means ambiguous, ambivalence, mind fuckery, and lies. You’re focusing on what you perceive as the ‘good’ messages. You should be focusing on the topline – mixed messages means shady means get the hell out. I’ve only ever had mixed messages from 1) unavailable people 2) assclowns 3) switchy, passive aggressive folk. For everyone else, they do what they say on their tins.
Thank you Natalie, I thought I needed to have faith in people. My problem also was that I would recognise that I need to leave a bad/ambiguos/shady situation due to inner alarm ringing, would bring the issue up with the EUM in case giving them a chance would magic the bad stuff away or actually try to leave. They would protest, dish out more lies, shame, blaim, accuse me of being too needy/unreasonable/having trust issues ect and I didn`t have enough self confidence to withstand the attact. Next lesson – now I know why you say don`t give them another chance It in fact gives them a chance to mindfuck you some more.
Sushi,
“What I had was mixed messages, lots of good stuff, commitment on offer mixed with passive agressive mindfuckery and lies. And the fact that sometimes they actually believed in their own BS themselves, so it made it look really convincing. I ended up thinking it really was my insecurity and I wanted too much and wasn`t realistic”.
I was in the exact same position as you by the end of my last relationship – I guess it’s basically Future Fakery that he was doing, and we colluded with it by embellishing and adding to the fantasies he came up with. And, yes, quite possibly he sometimes believed the BS himself at the time. All we can do is keep on reminding ourselves consciously about the reality of the whole shebang, until living with what’s real and being totally comfortable with/loving/caring for the people we actually are becomes a subconscious and automatic way of being. And I agree, coming back here to BR is a great way to continue getting reality-checks for as long as we need them. There’s no shame in having to keep revisiting and reminding ourselves, whether it’s for months or even years – we’re trying to kick the bad habits of a lifetime, and that’s not easy.
Grace: “Wait and see what happens? Pfft! Expect nothing, get nothing.”
Grace,
Me too did that. Groan. Well, I wanted to see what happened and I saw. It wasn’t nice. Never again will I be waiting to see what happens – all by myself. These guys aren’t waiting to see what happens – they know what’s happening – for them. Waiting to see what happens with these guys is like standing at the bus stop waiting for a train – one might come along!
I’m picturing the scene. Woman standing at bus stop in Glasgow asking the man next to her what time’s the next train to Waverley, he says ‘ye’ll no get a train tae Waverley here hen, this is a bus stop’. Woman answers ‘och, is that right, well, ah’ll jist wait an see whit happens anyway, jist in case’.
Zoe, I think we’ve all done it. You are not alone.
Is he just looking for a fallback girl to his life then? Not that he doesn’t want me personally, he doesn’t want anyone exclusively?
Zoe,
He wants fallback girls – plural. He’s going to find them on dating sites, which he’s not too busy for and is prepared to pay for (I imagine). You can be one of them if you want. But let me tell you, even if you were his only fallback girl, which wouldn’t be for long, it still makes you a fallback girl: someone for him to fallback on when he wants a shag, an ego stroke, his tummy rubbed, his ears tickled, some grapes…whatever. His needs would be met by you (and others) on his terms and you would wait in line – or just wait – until he texts/emails that he fancies a bit.
But what he wants is not the top line question for you – what is it *you* want? The answer to that is what matters. What has what he wants got to do with anything, really? And anyway, you already have the answer to that. He told you. (and see Nat’s second response to you above).
Zoe,
Have you ever watched the movie ” (500) Days of Summer”? It was on last night. Enlightening!
Hi Tania, I watched it last night as well. I was surprised that I enjoyed it and I think I will write something about a few of the things I noticed in there, not least because I think that as Zooey’s character is Miss Unavailable and he is the one betting on potential and pumping her up, you can see how this whole thing can go so wrong. He was crazy about her and almost immediately put her on a pedestal. She liked him but she had an ambivalent air about her. They had two totally different views of the same relationship. Fascinating.
Hi Natalie and all the fantastic ladies contributing to this website,
I just would like to thank you all for the invaluable help you offer to everybody. I’ve read every single bit of this website. Only two words to describe your advice: IT ROCKS.
Met my ex-EUM by chance at a party last weekend (after several months NC). He was there with another woman. Even so he was with her, it didn’t stop him trying to go and chat me several times, all met by my cold indifference. And that’s the thing: I NEVER though that one day I’d be able to say this, but I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t unhappy…I just felt NOTHING! Well, actually I felt sorry for the poor soul who inherited the rotten parcel. She seems so sweet! Poor lamb!! Ladies, NC does truly work.
Anyway, let me repeat this again and again: THANK YOU!!!!!
Radio Girl,
You are right, we future faked too, if you don`t have your feet in reality- no matter for what reason -you lie to yourself. I have had a difficult time getting my head around the fact that I was unavailable too when I was in my relationships. But I was, even if my intention was the opposite. So, reality now and I think a lot of patience for yourself.
Ha. I am so embarrassed right now by the self-recognition I’m experiencing. I, too, feel like I’ve been marooned on Fantasy Text/Email island. My MM and I have had a LDR for 16 months, during which he’s been pretending to be separated and proceeding with a divorce. We texted or emailed every day and it was all love and roses, but we only saw each other a few days out of most months when he’d come down to collect his rent checks and sleep with me.
After a few months of this, I put pressure on him because I thought, based on his future faking, that we were going to live happily ever after. He’d talk about the divorce, say he was moving back down to be with me, spoke of moving in together (“I don’t want to just date you. I move fast;” “I dream of what it would be like to sleep next to you every night. I want that, and hope you do, too.” Baloney.) Thus began a string of monthly breakups at the end of his visits, because I couldn’t understand why he’d never follow through. Duh, because he wasn’t really leaving his wife, stupid. Then a few days later we’d go back to the lovey-dovey texts and emails and we’d be “back together.” I literally lived for those. I sat here in my apartment night after night, not dating anyone because we were “exclusive.” Little did I know, he was with his wife some of that time, even though he’d tell me that there was no chance for reconciliation and that his love for her had died after she had an “emotional affair.” I never could understand why I was conducting a relationship by text. I rarely even spoke to him on the phone, because he said he’s “not a phone guy.” How could I believe a man who told me I’m his soul mate, but whom I never felt welcome to call out of the blue? How could I be so blind? Really, he just couldn’t talk to me because he was with his wife.
We’d often break up because he “couldn’t give me a timeline.” He had said things previously about how long the divorce might take, and when those periods of time passed and I’d bring that to his attention, he’d fly off the handle and turn it around on me. I’d ask if I should date other people who might be able to meet my needs and he’d ask me to pass on those opportunities, that he loved me, I was The One but the timing was just bad, blah, blah, blah. It makes me feel like such a fool now, because I’ve realized he…
Hey Blindsided,
No need to feel embarrassed. Unfortunately, your situation with the LDR MM isn’t unique. I’ve been marooned on Text/Email Fantasy Island and the exMM wasn’t LD. It’s just the sad sorry role of an OW to be managed by text and email while the MM is with his wife. Your comment described my life from 2008 to 2010. I broke it off on a weekly basis only to sign up the next day cos his text in the morning was so lovey. This exMM was a phone guy and would call all throughout the day…first thing in the morn..all throughout the day…last thing at night. The phone thing is totally irrelevant since he is MARRIED. Yeah, we were “Soul Mates” too, despite the fact that he went on a cruise with his wife to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary, while he texted me. Even worse, he returned from the wedding anniversary cruise with his wife, admitted to having sex with his wife “cos it was perfunctory”, and I signed up for another two years. Now that’s stupid. These affairs all follow a sad, sorry script. I still think I want to kick his ass for misleading me, then I get a grip and go kick my ass for buying his shit. There’s no buying this soul mate shit from some lying cheating MM, if I am my soul mate. Blindsided, I was blindsided too.
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