Recently I was talking with someone who was like a broken woman consumed with thoughts of her ex morning, noon, and night. “How am I supposed to stay NC if I can’t stop thinking about him all the time? I’m never going to be able to move on!” That’s when I thought “Woah! Hold up a second here – who said anything about NC being about forcing yourself to never have a thought about the person ever again?”
No Contact is initially about not making or accepting contact, but it also provides the space to not only grieve the loss of the relationship, but to focus your energy elsewhere and begin rebuilding your life. What it isn’t, is cutting contact and then sitting around trying to not have anymore thoughts about them.
Experience has taught me that the more you try not to think about something, is the more likely you are to, and then you’ll stress yourself further about the fact that you are in fact thinking about it and what you think thinking about it means, and then often react off the back of it. Exhausting!
Back in October 2010, when I was told to cut out wheat in an effort to reduce tinnitus and vertigo, after initially thinking it was going to be fine and then discovering that wheat is in many things, I went on a serious moan-a-thon. In an effort to remain focused on what I thought was the task at hand – not eating wheat – I attempted to put wheat out of my mind, only for it to turn up in my dreams dressed as the likes of eclairs, hot buttery toast, and my puff pastry covered beef pies. I seemed consumed by thoughts of wheat and what I was feeling were the inconveniences.
After a while, mostly because I was wearing down my own last nerve and probably those of the boyf, I began putting effort into finding alternatives, discovering places to eat with varied menus, and making myself food that I enjoy. As I’d felt the health benefits after a week (seriously), tempting as it was to, for example, snaffle down a mince pie, I accepted that uncomfortable as it had been, overall I felt happier and better.
I’ve seen this replicated in so many aspects of life – change doesn’t come without change which means discomfort, but the change feels positive when you don’t just sit around complaining about the inconveniences of the change or trying to force yourself never to think about whatever it is that you’re changing from and/or having to leave behind or put on hold.
If you’ve had hopes, dreams, aspirations, and experiences good and bad with someone, it’s a bit tricky just to cut them out of your thoughts. It’s also part of the grieving and healing process to feel your feelings and process your thoughts so that you can draw conclusions, accept and move on.
Yes I had to avoid wheat, but I was making my life about avoiding wheat instead of focusing on improving my health. Equally, I found that I made great strides in being happy when I stopped making my life about maintaining NC and instead made it about having a better life…while keeping my ex at bay.
To go to the trouble of devoting your energies and attention to not thinking about someone and then obsessing about the fact that you’re thinking about them, is actually just another convoluted way of giving them more attention and remaining invested.
If you think about not thinking about them, you’ll think about them and if you persist at it, you’ll eventually ‘break’ and make contact. Same goes for anything else – you’ll either slow your progress by being resistant to it, or you’ll backtrack/fall off the wagon.
This doesn’t mean you should go “OK I’ll think about them all the time” but it is about helping yourself by doing 3 things that will make your life a hell of a lot easier and over time reduce the amount of time spent thinking about them (or something) and eventually replace these thoughts:
1) Accept that you will think about them but don’t make a mountain out of molehill. For many people, thinking about someone equals ‘I love them’; ‘We should get back together’;'It was a bad decision’. Initially, you’re bound to think about them a lot – it’s like ripping off a plaster (Band Aid) – but it’s important to remember that you’re processing a situation. There are many things that you think about – you don’t attach a call to action on all of them. As time passes, the thoughts will pop in but it doesn’t even have to mean that you’re not over them – they’re just thoughts and just memories and as your life builds up and moves away from them, these thoughts shrink and don’t carry the same weight.
2) But do have some self-control. If a thought pops into your head, for all you know, it’s just your unconscious processing away and throwing something out. What it doesn’t mean is that you should ‘make that call’ or ‘send that text’ or load another gazillion thoughts on top. If you spend hours or all day thinking about someone, that’s not one thought – it’s a sequence of thoughts. Unless you’re living in on another planet, even after a few minutes, you should become aware of the passage of time. Whether you recognise that you’re going off on a thinking track after one or twenty thoughts, pull yourself back to reality instead of saying “Ah shag it! I’ve had a thought or few about them – let me just write off today!”
Refocus your thoughts in reality – What can you do? Who can you talk to? What positives can you say to yourself to affirm the decisions and actions you’re undertaking? Isn’t there some work you should be doing? Things to be enjoying? I know quite a few readers who set a time limit when the thought pops in and then it’s ‘ding ding ding’, back to life. Initially you’ll use up all the time – 10 minutes is good – but the habit will actually have you reluctant to be a slave to your thoughts. It’s about being conscious.
3) If you have thoughts but you’re still active in the conscious, life will happen to gradually replace them. The more you ‘occupy’ your own life, as in living it, the more things that your mind has to spread itself across.
If you have a suddenly flurry of thoughts after feeling that you’re doing better, don’t panic – on a subconscious level, you’re actually moving towards acceptance. Maybe you’re enjoying yourself or have realised that a week or so has gone by without really thinking of them – it’s panic about rolling with it and letting go, so as if to make up for it, you go on thinking overload. It would be better to focus on returning to what you were being and doing before the panic arrived.
You don’t have to erase your ex from your mind but you also don’t have to give those thoughts so much power or airtime. You can think about them, you just don’t need to spend all day, all week, or all month on it – break things up a little…or a lot. These thoughts don’t own you – you own you – and you will find when you put plenty of positive action into your life, that the thoughts begin to follow that path instead.
Your thoughts? (hehe)
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Limerance, the fact that we see our UA’s at work makes the NC very very difficult. I have been at my workplace for many years, love my job and damn if I’m leaving. But that means I have to interact with him. I do beautifully keeping him distanced for a period of time, keeping my communication professional but then he draws me back in with some comment that makes hope well up inside me that we can be together. I get warmer to him, he backs off and we start the whole cycle all over! He is driving me crazy!
I hear ya! It’s quite the rollercoaster. The only thing we can do is just keep NOT GETTING ON IT because we know how that ride ends. Some days are a helluva a lot easier than others. Some days my only waking thought is of him and seeing him at work is just a knife to the heart.
Hi Grace – we have one of these in our workplace too. Lovely guy, MM, very much so, but seems to NEED positive female attention.
We (all the women here except one, and even she seems to be growing out of him slowly, thank goodness) recognise that it’s a needy thing with him, and we just laugh it off now. It’s his wife I feel sorriest for, because she’s battled serious illness through all of this too.
How do you stop? Grace had the right answer: ‘You stop by stopping. And, yes, it’s tough.’
You say ‘he draws me back in’ – I’d suggest that this is where you’re falling down. Natalie has an excellent 101 beginners’ course on maintaining your boundaries and taking better care of yourself. If you can head him off at the pass (without actually strafing him in public), then the cycle won’t start again.
Being professional (eg avoiding the personal like the plague) in your speech and presentation is good. Being very busy is also good, having lunch dates with other people is excellent, a bright beaming smile as you rush off to do something else after granting him a mere split second of your precious time can also be fun …
If he tries to one-up you by drawing the conversation into the personal in any way, you can always say, ‘I’m so sorry, but I don’t think that’s appropriate in the workplace’, and smile politely and then walk away. But always make sure there’s a third party present.
I don’t date people from work. Too risky if things blow up.
SO…. the MM/AC is now under investigation by HR for sexual harassment. He’s had complaints from 3 women (not one of them me, I didn’t go to HR as suggested above) since August (that was when the affair ended the first time for us… I think he must have gone into overdrive or something). If they know what’s best for the company they’ll boot his ass. And this isn’t the first time he’s had complaints. A year and a half ago there was a big issue that resulted in him needing “more supervision” because of his unwanted interaction with a girl in his department.
BTW, I know this because he’s so stressed out and “I’m the only person he has to turn to”. LOL. He says he can’t tell his wife because she’d flip out (Wow, what happened to that GREAT year he’s having because I showed him how to treat his wife with love and respect and btw, he’s doing SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME (one text and voicemail I got before this crap, trying to rub my face into the fact that he was doing SO GREAT while I hurt)). They ALWAYS come crawling back when they want something. The night before this broke he was begging me to send him a naked picture of myself because he’s “never had someone with a body like mine” and he “misses” that. OMG!!!
(BTW this is my work cell which company pays for so I can’t block anything on it. ATT charges you for SmartLimits to block numbers and I certainly can’t ask them to block another work cell w/o questions coming up which everyone above advised me not to get into).
I literally let myself be such a doormat to this guy that he thinks he can continue to contact me and request these things (naked pictures, a shoulder to cry on because of serious work issues). I’m very ashamed and I literally pray every day for the strength to be better. Once the fog clears you really get to see yourself and it’s UGLY. I’ve cried so much over how I’ve treated myself.
It hurts so much to face the reality of what I’ve become. I’m a professional woman, graduated summa cum laude, expert in my department, resource and respected by my professional peers… and yet I let myself be treated like this. And if it wasn’t for this blog I would still be in the painful cloud/fog I was in not realizing what the hell was going on! I was so isolated… Nat, you are AMAZING and this blog has empowered me. It’s a slower process than I’d like but if AC gets kicked out of work for this crap I think it will be better.
If they let him stay, you should come forward i think. Now that he has a history of complaints, you are in a strong position and HE should leave so that your workplace is emotionally safe for you. What a grotesque opportunist!
Limerence,
He is the worst kind of sex pest. Why are you providing tea and sympathy to him?
Why are you listening to his whining? Unfortunately higher education and professional qualifications have nothing to do with emotional intelligence and common sense. Unfortunately they can be misused to rationalise bad behaviour.
Before you go to HR, are you sure he hasn’t got anything on you? Because the fact is that you did engage with him, and no doubt some of that took place at work. He will try to take you down with him, and will tell any outrageous lie – from what you say has already done so. HR may take the view that you have been just as bad as one another and sack you both.
Haven’t posted in a while. Was dating a guy since April, wasn’t sure how compatible we were early on (different wavelengths/ personalities didn’t seem to compliment/ couldn’t talk for hours) but he was very keen and he fit the ‘tall, dark, handsome Mr Darcy’ persona. We went from dating once a week, me expressing my doubts about us in May when he seemed more serious, him reassuring me (declaring he was in love with me and giving me a key to his flat). By June we had gotten into a relationship and my worries faded when we went into boyfriend/ girlfriend mode. Really felt great to be loved after a long history of chasing a variety of Mr Unavailables. By July, he changed abruptly (mood swings, calling me a liar) and i was worried, my anxieties about him increased, my self esteem plummeted… but felt i should be supportive and wait until he got over a stressful period at work. I know I sound stupid for carrying on dating him, but I thought my type wasn’t right for me and he was so lovely I thought I would surely fall for him if things continued to go as well. I thought if i raised my concerns once his stress was over, he would reassure me again and we would go back to how we were for
that brief spell when i was just getting comfortable. When I raised my worries, he threw everything back in my face and couldn’t believe I raised any issues when he was stressed. I
went away for 5 weeks and hoped things would improve on my return. They did a bit, but there was definite resentment on his side for me going away. I tried to ends things when he didn’t acknowledge there were problems/ got back together/ flip flapped ever since, tried to go on a break, then he apologised for everything and asked for another chance so I gave it,
althought I said at the time, was it right to be in a relationship when I felt so nervous/ unsure if I could try. He said he wanted to anyway. It just never went to that same level, whilst I
grew to care, great physical chemistry, I couldn’t get those concerns about how he acted under ‘stress’ and how weak our foundation was when I was looking for a good marriage. I also have
cultural/ family pressures to settle down, which was clouding my decision. I met up with
someone who just do happened to be friendly with his ex and she told me, he was controlling and moody in that relationship, and by the end that girl was a wreck and not herself. I worried that was happening to me. I just couldn’t get past my doubts and together with the clash of personalities, I ended it. He said he couldn’t try anymore. I either wanted to give it a go, and feel that we went through a bad patch but were great together (didn’t happen, although he never went back to as mean as he was, just things never went to that loving relationship again and he still got snappy with me)…. Or leave and feel it was for the best. I sit here after finally ending it last month, still missing him. Weird, after all that. I’m so worried I made a mistake and in the end, I ruined the relationship, and in fact he was a good guy. I can’t call him an assclown who cheated/ beat me/ didn’t commit… Feel so lost. This site, Natalie and religiously reading the comments over the last 18 months has helped me so much. I’d appreciate any comments which make things clearer….
There is a saying I’ve heard…(probably here)..that the person you get at the beginning of the relationship isn’t the *real* them, it is in fact their representative..the person they use to sell the idea of a relationship with them to you.
Of course everyone is wonderful in the beginning..even the nastiest of the nasty can put up a pristine front. You wouldn’t have started to go out with a consistently grumpy, moody and sullen man, now would you?
Similar thing happened to me before. It is good that you paid attention to how he is when he is stressed especially if it a long term commitment that you are looking for. Imagine if something *really* stressful happened to him (not to say that work isn’t stressful, it is..) but something like illness or death..and unfortunately these are situations that we can and do encounter our lives.
Even then there are people who are going through the worst of the worst and don’t behave inconsiderately to the ones they love.
Thank you Sarah, I keep trying to remember this but I’ve got this recurring thought that maybe I was harsh on him… Perhaps with time, it would have been ok… Got to keep moving forward.
I thought I was evolving from reading Natalie and all you amazing BR posters but now I could be the poster child for why it is so important to manage your thoughts and not break NC with an AC.
I devolved at warp speed and feel like pond scum right now for allowing the wrong thoughts to control me. I went to a Meetup dinner last night and had a lot to drink and was much closer to the AC’s house than mine so I illogically thought I’d rest on his couch for a while knowing I wanted to snoop… (He doesn’t know I still have a key and I haven’t used it since I moved.) I saw him last week before he left town for “work” and he’s to return tomorrow. I haven’t heard from him since he left which deviates from his norm since I broke NC.
OMG!!! It was beyond my worst thoughts and he will definitely know I was there. I lost control when I saw the candleholders I bought for a birthday dinner he hosted for my mother upstairs in his bedroom along with evidence of relationship-level sexcapades… A woman’s thong in his laundry folded by his cleaning lady, his and hers lube which we never used. A word that recently came up for me re the AC and contributed to my obsessing was “Violated.” I let him violate my boundaries and trust. Now I did the same to him. UGH. I could have gone NC before or even after seeing what I saw but no…. Instead, I had to leave a little destruction behind and am feeling stupid, childish and embarrassed and fearing the repercussions when he realizes his home and privacy were violated. I had no business doing what I did even with my justification that he had no business having unprotected sex with me and still would be if I hadn’t recently put the brakes on. (My word, I am a complete fool aren’t I?)
Logically, with what I learned, his hold on any part of my brain or heart should be as shattered as the candleholders and as empty as the lube tubes are now. I shouldn’t be hurting that he so easily lied to me and f*cked me and f*cked me over while playing nice to my face. He showed me who he was by his actions for the past year -the prior 5 years we both had life issues – not this crap.
“If you can’t live your life as a good example, be an extreme caution.” Why couldn’t l manage my thoughts and heed the wisdom that NC was the only option to stop being his f’d over option?!! Still thinking I could be the exception, I guess…
Natalie, I just got home and read your recent Facebook post in the sidebar here. What timing! Yes, I made mistakes and received valuable feedback from my better self. I realized that, in addition to letting my obsessive thoughts control me and violating someone else’s – even an AC’s – privacy, I also made assumptions based on my fears that may or may not be true. I went back to right things in his house as much as I could before he returns tomorrow. It’s possible I misread the “evidence” since I hadn’t been there since he was seeing the girlfriend I knew about that he had when we “off” in our on/off craziness and the his and hers lubes could have been from then and the underwear could conceivably be his adolescent daughter’s who stays with him every other weekend. It doesn’t even matter if I my first impression was right – what I did was wrong.
There was only so much I could do to make it look like the horse was still in the barn and give myself plausible deniability. The tube in his drawer could have leaked? The one in the other nightstand could already have been empty? The candleholders are history but maybe he won’t notice? Ugh. I created so much unnecessary worry and drama. Also, he sent me a friendly email from an alternate account last night that I missed till tonight because he never emails me and the subject was trouble with his new phone. Not that this explains or excuses his uncharacteristic silence for 4 days while he’s away for work (or not and lied about that) and all the other crazy-making crap but I feel ashamed of myself for my angry emotional alcohol-fueled rampage last night. I’m over 50 for goodness sake! I know that was not a reasonable way to behave. I was freaking out and told my mother when she called and she was concerned for my safety when I said he would know I did what I did. I wish I hadn’t been “that woman” and it serves no good purpose to have him think of me that way or, heaven forbid want revenge, if I want to firmly end this chapter. After I got the spare car key from him awhile ago, I learned he has yet another duplicate key for my car that I bought from him and he’s also in law enforcement. Now, in addition to the usual anxiety, I’m on pins and needles wondering if he’ll figure it out and hoping my “mistakes” in thought and action won’t have ramifications beyond being a painful learning experience.
FX.
Psycologist. Express.
Getting down to the psych ASAP was one of the best things I ever did.
Thank you for the reply and recommendation, tired_of_assanova. I was seeing a psych for another issue and my Mom suggested that I check in again, too, after I blurted out what I did. The issue I was dealing with before was huge and actually kept ME from properly being in a relationship or working, leaving the house and more… I had a breakdown/PTSD and I was the one who turned into someone glaringly 180 degrees from who I was when we met! The AC stuck with me and supported me (in his both limited and generous AC way) for years because he really did adore me but I think he still has a lot of anger toward me for those lost years and can’t forgive me and is punishing me. Ugh. I came out of that awful time of my life relatively recently and am finding a new normal for the way I interact with the world but he will always be the last man who knew me as I was for the first 45 years of my life.
I don’t even know if I love him or want a real relationship with him anymore! I drove an hour and a half each way today to replace the inexpensive candleholders to hide my crazy behavior so I can move on without his knowledge of or repercussions from him for what I did. Unfortunately, I think I’ll have to deal with him “normally” a little longer when he gets back in town before going NC again just to allay any suspicion for what I couldn’t undo in his house that could have another explanation that doesn’t point to me.
I guess the bottom line/top line is it doesn’t matter what responsibility either of us had/have, this relationship is now way past it’s “sell by” date.
Yeah. They all have expiry dates. After that date. EXPIRED.
Okay, I’ve done some crazy stuff in my past… then, had to “fix” it so as not to get caught… I was both grinning and cringing when I read your post!
Every once in a while, that crazy-behavior happens… just please learn from it… and turn in yer key!…
I don’t have any good advice here, but I just want you to know I empathize with you and understand where you were coming from when you did those things. We’ve all been there and you aren’t crazy. This relationship is making you do crazy things, but you are surely a completely normal woman.
i wrote a comment earlier, i dont think its resurfaced. i saw ex EUM today at a cafe. i saw him with a male friend sitting and chatting as i was driving down that street with some of my girlfriends going to grab a coffee .. i really felt like walking past him to see his reaction. after a month of NC, tonight was just hard seeing him. my friends asked me what i was going to achieve by walking past him ,stopped me and reassured me he’s an AC. i guess i wanted to say hi, and then i thought to myself, that no, i wont walk past him cos i wasnt looking hot and he’s an AC. . NC is getting hard and theres times like now, where im so tempted to tell him i love him, miss him .its doing my head in. and i have to admit, yesterday i walked the same route after work to see if he happened to be at that cafe. its obsessive, i know..but its just driving me crazy.im feeling very tormented..so if i aint going to text him, i have this obsession about bumping into him. how do i deal with it???
I found it interesting jasmine that you said, “i thought to myself, that no, i wont walk past him cos i wasnt looking hot and he’s an AC”.
I would take out the “I wasn’t looking hot part” and focus on the fact that he was AC part. I think you are looking for validation from him – you want him to want you back – so you hope to see him when you are looking “hot” and he’ll come running back to you.
You should never need to impress a man with your looks or hotness. A man should be impressed by your personality and your achievements, and from the sound of it you are placing a lot of value on how you look to how much he wants you back or how he reacts to you.
He is an AC. Do you really want some validation from an assclown? Even if you get the validation are you sure it’s genuine, or is it his way you pulling you back in only to push you away again or act all assclownish again?
Keep focusing on the fact that he is an AC and know one day you’ll find someone who loves you and is not an AC. Validate yourself by loving you.
As Soul Searching wrote, I’ve made the list where I’ve been hurt and forgiven the ones who have hurt me. With this last relationship, I saw so much of my old self in this guy and the path of destruction I’ve left throughout the years I’ve had to write a new list of people who I need to ASK for forgiveness. What a better understanding of my own emotional unavailability. I can no longer play the victim. I feel true compassion for my ex. He is wandering around aimlessly, bumping off of other people, or a job, material possessions, his children, nights out, the right words from his ex wife, SOMETHING that will validate him and make him feel okay about himself. And when whatever it is fails to make him happy, as it will, he gets to play the blame game. As I used too.
I’m not sure why my mind is occupied by him at all, but I do spend too much time thinking about him. I don’t know why. I am grateful that I have because of the growth he has afforded me. I have really focused on me and have become a much more positive, optimistic person towards others since the break-up and feel positive about future relationships. I feel confident that I’ll see red flags if there are any and bail when its time.
I guess when my work is done, I won’t think about him as often. Or I’ll start wearing a rubber band on my wrist and every time he crosses my mind I’ll pull it back and let it smack me! LOL!!
Hi all,
I haven’t checked in in months… and yes, I am still thinking of him, almost 6 months after breaking up (5 months NC).
I have been extremely depressed, isolated and alone.
But working hard at rebuilding a life for myself.
I’m going to therapy, i started going to Weight Watchers to lose the 15 lbs that crept on me over the last year and make me feel completely unattractive and devoid of any sensuality. I also started taking bellydancing classes, which are loads of fun!
But yes, I still think of him. It’s nowhere near as hard to keep NC these days, but I still fantasize a bit and sometimes I feel so alone that I want to drive over to his place – it’s because I feel so alone and he seems like the only one I really connect with. I miss the good times, the friendship, the humor, having someone in my life that was there for me. But then I run the tape all the way through and I remember how alone and unhappy I used to feel by his side…
It’s a fantasy, not reality.
It hurts to think he’s most likely (if not for sure) with other people, and probably happier than me.
I guess I’m still grieving the loss, and feeling so alone doesn’t help.
Los Angeles can be such a lonely place!
I’m really focused on being positive about everything in my life, and BELIEVING IN MYSELF. I can do this!! I can rebuild my life and make it a happy one!
We can do this!!!
brokenhearted LA –
Hey you!
First of all – congrats on keeping yourself busy and doing good things to your mind & body! You’ll feel so much better when you accomplish losing those pounds/become a belly dancing expert!
Secondly – I’ve been there, as much as you try not to think about them and keep yourself busy they always creep into your brain! It took me a long long time to get over my ‘big’ ex but just as the article says when you realise you haven’t thought about the person in weeks that’s when you’re over it/them.
Don’t feel lonely – it’ll pass and don’t forget you’ve always got yourself. Have faith in yourself and don’t give up! You’ll get there and when you do you’ll feel amazing.
xx
It took me many months too. Epiphanies are like that.
Keep busy. ..trust that the pop ups and the tough spots are exactly what Natalie says…processing…if you trusted..and believed…the future faker…or the car salesman…for some reason it happened…try to stop the madness..evaluate u…see how u need to change… because if u are a Nat fan…u have a huge heart…ur smart..and ur trying to rationalize why…..I still am. ..but it will not determine me..good luck
Moved to another country as I needed to heal from a really bad breakup – left a guy behind (whom I dated briefly before leaving) who was great but I wasn’t ready to embark on a proper relationship with.
Have had NC for almost a year now – have been off social networking websites, no email, no skype, nothing. He asked me to stay with him back then but I refused and from what I could tell he was a bit hurt by the whole thing.
Moving back to the EU in April and thought about calling him up (in my mind it’ll look spontanteous but it might just come across as stalkerish/obsessive/sad haha) as I’d love to stay in touch with him. You never know what could happen in 5 yrs from now.
Used to think about this guy 24/7, it’s a bit bettter now, but still I ALWAYS OBSESS ABOUT EXES for way longer than I should.
I haven’t posted here for a while. I was doing fine with NC, ignoring the occasional texts from the ex AC and getting out and meeting people. Last week he sent me a text asking if we could have dinner. ‘No harm in that’ I thought as I’m over him. So I replied OK, lets have dinner one night. Three days later – no reply. I sent him another text – if you sent the text to me in error or it’s more silly mind games its not clever, its effed up. Don’t contact me again. His response? ‘see you next week’. Now I’m at the angry stage (again!) and feel I’ve taken a step backwards. Clearly he was either just fishing or it was meant for another of the harem. I feel so stupid that he must be laughing his socks off now. Its pointless trying to be even cordial with these men. Once an AC always an AC. I just need to get over my humiliation and anger now!
Shattered, I think you agreeing to dinner was enough of an ego stroke for him that he didn’t need to follow through on the arrangement. Don’t feel humiliated – this dude is pathetic. Don’t even dignify him with a response the next time he texts! It’s normal to feel angry, but don’t let yourself get sidetracked by it. Onwards and upwards!
Yep, once they feel you’re reeled in again they don’t give an eff. I know this ALL too well with my story. The MM/AC I had the affair with would work really hard sometimes to reel me back in… then nothing once I was there. It’s emotional torture. These guys are so selfish.
Thanks Brenda
I too technically didn’t have to do NC because he done it to me! It’s so hard to completely get over it when you are dealing with a coward. But like you said it gets better day by day.
I have successfully got over a married toxic ex assclown by exercising my muscle of self-discipline. We all know deep down when someone is not being honest with us and we totally know when we are not being honest with ourselves. And I have done my fair share of not being honest with myself. The first time you ignore/ delete that text/ email is the worst. Keep doing it and keep faking you are strong and eventually you become strong. And the past will slip further and further away. ‘Fake it to make it’ worked with me.
Natalie-I read you every day. I have never got the sence though that anyone who comments, or your articles, are for the divorced. I have been divorced now for 9 months and need your insights daily just to keep going. Just wanted you to know that I find it, and the related comments, very helpful. I can’t do NC as I have 3 teenagers, their dad lives a mile away, and they constantly “Daily” interact with him. He is always stopping by and I am forced to be civil even when I don’t feel like it. Today I was obsessing over him, your articles timing was perfect which it usually is. We can never go back yet that doesn’t stop me from spending far to much time wondering about his every action. I’m going to try the 10 minute rule today (and the rubberband idea, that’s funny). Wish me luck!
Hey CR,
Good luck to you. My second divorce occurred when our daughter was 3. I had to establish firm boundaries and limit the interaction with the exH. Our interaction was limited to discussing our daughter and he could not just stop by. I know it’s difficult with teenagers but you may want to consider some boundaries regarding the always stopping by. It could help you now and it could be helpful in the future if/when there is a man in your life. It’ll be a bit awkward if the exH continues to show up whenever.
Early on when I was in the obsessive thought vortex with the most recent exMM/AC, I got so desperate to stop the nonsensical thinking, I used a rubber band. It was amazing how many times a day I had to zing myself. I had red wrists for a while but it really helped me to consciously tune in to that inner obsessive thought process. I may have to get the rubber band out again as I’m experiencing a flurry of thoughts again just after they subsided.
We can never go back…
Today I cried a Million tears.
I was doing what I thought was pretty Good.
And then I saw some New Pictures of him,(We are both on the same dating site),and it all came flooding back to me,the hurt,the rejection,the dissapearing.
How he has seemed to move on unscathed,While I am here left to pick myself up in my puddle of tears.
Nat,and ladies..You have all taught me so much,and I thank you from the bottom of my Heart…I just want to heal,to forget about him,I deleted my profile,as I am not ready to date,and to see him only brings me further pain.
Somedays I shout out to God why he would do this to Women and Men..Why we have to hurt,My tears are real,My heart is broken…But it will get better and I will go on…
Brenda
Brenda – I hear you, sister.
Today is the first and most important step – YOU GOT THE HELL OFF THE DATING SITE.
Well done – you have learned from the past, and have taken a really constructive step forward by owning the fact that you aren’t ready yet.
Atta girl! Sometimes the Universe hits us over the back of the head with a slap from a wave, just to wake us up. You had your wake up call, and now you can really begin your new life in earnest.
Get busy – get occupied – get active – get your mind off it and into constructive, happy and enjoyable things. Even just deciding to make a list of those things is a real start.
You’ve done the right thing.
I agree. Get off the dating site. I am AMAZED at the number of people that break up and its like next thing they’re on the dating site! Unbelievable!
I agree with Natalie- dating sites are EU central. You get stuck on the chatting. Going out into the real world and people actually have to physically speak with you.
And if anyone ever tells me ‘I’m on this site looking for ‘friends” it will be FULL FLUSH. (Anyway, that’s not going to happen anymore- dating site is BANNED now).
Wow – yet another spot-on post on this amazing site. I just wanted to share my story with you, especially with those of you who are finding it difficult to stay NC at the moment.
A few weeks ago, I stumbled across this site when me and my ex split up (a few readers including NML may remember me posting). It was christmas time, he had let me down for the millionth time, I felt like a big fool but worst of all I was still desperately in love with him. We had been together a year and when he lied to me and let me down yet again last xmas, it really was the last straw. Now I can honestly say, with hand on heart, that at that time when we split I thought I would never ever get over it. The thought of going NC was absurd – how could I possibly go NC when I was so in love with him even though he clearly wasnt with me. I posted in various articles on here, in my heartbroken state, begging for some sort of answer, something to help me just forget the pain , and everyone said the same thing – go NC.
So I did. I first started by deleting his number and his profile on facebook. Then when he decided to contact me, by email I blocked him. I removed all trace of him from my life. I am now almost 4 weeks no contact . And the best part is that I dont even think about it anymore. A few months ago if we had had an argument, my whole world would fall apart if we didnt patch things up and it would always be me patching things up. I look back now and its crazy, utterly mindless, how many hours and energy I spent on that man with nothing in return. I was blinded, I wanted to be with him, marry him and even move away with him. I honestly would have moved heaven and earth to be with him. So what I guess Im trying to say is this: if you are reading this because you are heartbroken and dont know what to do, please listen to NML and the other posters when they say NC is the best cure, it really does work and help you get your life back in order and start focusing on you.
Jodie, congrats on sticking to NC! I can relate to your story a lot, and I am in NC as well. It’s challenging and at times, lonely, but beyond that, underneath it all, I am beginning to love myself again and I am able to hug myself on the inside. I still have a long way to go and get strong so that if I am contacted again, I won’t have the desire to respond. I still find I am wishing for him to contact me but then I think how much easier it is when he doesn’t, and how a text really means nothing at all! I need to remember that.
I can’t wait for the day when I wake up and feel completely happy and free. For now, I will take it day by day, accept the highs and the lows, but most importantly stick to NC because I am feeling more peaceful in my soul already!
Australia,
I’d thank my lucky stars that he isn’t contacting you. It will be much easier to keep NC and self-focused if you don’t hear from him.
My exMM started sending me random texts last month (trying to hook up, of course) from a new phone number I didn’t recognize and it threw me into a tailspin for a few days.
It was pure mind fuckery.
Congrats on your newfound peace. I remember the alternative and don’t want to go back there.
Thanks blueberry girl!
My life is feeling more peaceful now that I can dedicate all the time to myself and focus on my priorities. I am working on being strong enough that if he even was to contact me again, I wouldn’t want to respond. I know I shouldn’t but a part of me also knows that if he does contact me I do have past tendency to feel weak and nostalgic and my thoughts go crazy as I contemplate what his contact means. However even if he did ‘come back’ and knowing him, it would be a lame text or run-in, I keep telling myself “it’s too late” for him anyways – I have given him all the opportunities and time in the world to show me he wants to be with me, and he hasn’t taken them, so it’s too late. That, and I don’t want a EUM.
Hopefully you are also in NC blueberry girl, and I send out a hug to you!
Everything you said is so spot on. I’m having a down moment this evening after 6 months NC and your comment really helped me. This is the “anniversary” month so it’s a bit hard. I can’t for the life of me remember what I was thinking back then other than “he likes me”. It still hurts. Thank you Jodie for posting. You are so right. Congratulations on 4 weeks NC.
Hey Natalie and BR-posters, How much genuine wisdom and the fuzziest, best sort of love are on this site right now? Tonnes, that’s how much! It’s great.
For anyone in the obsession vortex, I have been there and it truly sucked. I was in the final phase of thesis-writing when the AC ripped through town, and that prolonged stress, combined with the anxiety of what Katherine described as sorting out which broken pieces needed rebuilding and which needed leaving well alone, sent me to the edges of (in)sanity. I don’t know how, but I thank myself now for always having a inkling of what Grace identified: that me feeling so upset and confused about it all, even very depressed and anxious, was not a sign of the depth of my love for him. I did love him, but this was, as she said, about something else altogether. Such horror! But I made it through.
So if you’re feeling rubbish, remember that you’re in control of this process, your life is yours and your sense of self is your own. Hold onto that. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Read BR, learn from Natalie, but also get other help if you need it. You have to give yourself a chance to heal – the time and the context and the positive self-talk.
Elle I love your posts….I read them alot!!!
Thanks for the compassion!
Brenda
Been having some more thoughts about this today. I think it can be very easy to spoil your happy thoughts by following it up with a bad, sad thought. Like you are punishing yourself for starting to forget. Just when you start to enjoy yourself you remember them and it feels like the meaning and fun gets taken away. I guess what is important is having the good thoughts. If they disappear that’s ok because you still had them and you will have more and more and they will start to have more meaning and the sad thoughts and thoughts of AC will start to hurt less and have less meaning.
This was so timely! I have totally been obsessing. It’s like the thoughts take hold and you just go down in a thought spiral – having “conversations” with the ex in your mind…
I’ve started giving myself a mantra to stop the obsessive thoughts. And sometimes if I can, I will stop and immediately say The Lord’s Prayer and really meditate on each word as it comes out of my mouth to re-affirm what I believe in and what I believe God will do with my life.
The only problem is that lately the obsessive thoughts are getting worse – probably because I’ve started having these moments of absolute RAGE at him for the entire situation. Of being rejected. Of being made out to be an “option” or “on standby”. I’m trying to work through it. Maybe once I work through the anger and rage, I’ll stop having dreams about him. Those are really pissing me off.
Worse – I recently met a really nice guy and I’m angry that I’m not ready to date yet – because I let Mr. EU back into my life some months ago and only ended up pro-longing the pain. If I had stuck to my guns, I might be fully over this by now. Or at least mostly over it and “emerging”.
I think the advice to really focus on “building” or “rebuilding” your life is the right advice. Maybe if I do that, I won’t have time to obsess.
I do remember a holiday party I went to that was so much fun that even though at first I thought of him, once the fun started, I realized that I didn’t think about him at all after that. I was having too much fun.
Let’s get lives, ladies!
FashionMaven, I can so relate to so much of your post. The obsessive thoughts, conversations in your mind, dreams and RAGE at being his option. I, too, let my AC back into my life and know I prolonged the healing process and made myself even crazier because, as hard as NC was, I hadn’t spoken to him in over 2 months in when I let him back into my life and lost focus on building a better life without him. Because of our history, things that would seem minor to an outsider fuel my feelings of rejection which translates to a perpetual state of hurt and anger.
Yes, I agree the focus needs to stay on building/rebuilding – to get happier with our own lives and create new opportunities to feel successful in all areas to displace the unproductive thoughts and feelings of rejection and less than. It’s a good sign that you had a great time at the party!
Hi,
First off I cannot spell so apologies….I work in marketing which makes this even worse!!!!
I have been an avid reader of this site for some while but never spoken up,so here goes…all advice very very welcome.
I met someone back in October last year, I had been hurt before and was v cautious but he was super spersistent. We met on the internt and after a week of phonecalls and texts we went on our first date. I could tell he was nervous but we got on like a house on fire. He told me I was fascinating and constantly analysed me. I didnt mind having never had that sort of male attention before. After that date it went nuts, flowers sent to my work, 2 hour phonecalls every day, him driving hours to see me, and then ‘I love you’ (and wait for it…it came three weeks in) I know, I know. Massive Red flag, but I was so wrapped up. He cared, and we had the best of times whenever we were togther. Cut a long story short he went cold. He said from the beginning he had an issue with distance (me in Norwich him in Peterbourgh…not exactly that far), he was sent to Poland for work and he would only text a few times and then declared that he simply did not have time for a relationship. My world has fallen apart. How can someone be so callus and thoughtless. No explantation, nothing. If you love someone you do not do that.
He is 28 I am 26. I had never dated someone as young as him and he had never dated someone as young as me. He previous partners had been a lapdancer on anti-dpressants who he appartently never really loved, a friend who was terminally ill but he paid for her treatement and she recovered, and a 41 year old mother of two. (I don’t mean to list them as such I just wanted to give some background, I have often thought of contacting them as they are on his FB to ask them about him then realised I might be verging on nutter territory). He is worth a few million as he’s a serial entrepreneur, yet was never about money and he was terribly self deprevating and could not take a compliment.
I cannot get the bugger out of my head and he was only in my damn life for 3 months!!!! What the hell.
He has been back on the website we met on mot days (back on the day after he said he did not have time for a relationship).
I told him I had been hurt, I told him it was moving too fast and he said ‘just give me a chance’…great a chance to take my heart and stamp on it. He was so caring and thoughtful, we had not even slept togther as we waned to wait for a bit.
I am scared that I will never find someone I will click with again, and I can’t understand why he seemed so hell…
Hey Pommekat,
Well you know this guy is a nutjob right? It still hurts though…
Red flags everywhere. He told you that he didn’t have time for a relationship…but he likes the toying, the playing at it. Flowers, words.
He is a classic. Quotes distance, quotes ‘ Not Ready Yet’ ‘ ‘Not time yet’…blah de blah.
Yet you can see he’s back website trying… Same day stuff.Been there.
His list of relationships and who he is’ Worth Millions’ s frankly a crock.
Own up to the fact that you realise that and get on with recovery.
Stop stopping yourself. There are better guys out there, stop obsessing and put the three months down to experience. I do not minimise in any way the pain you felt but you bought into the fantasy he created. We have all done it.
He was appearing kind and thoughtful because you hadn’t slept with him yet. It wasn’t happening, so perhaps he cut his losses?
You will find someone again, stay on site and you will find someone a whole lot better than this tosspot.
Hi Lynda from L,
Thank you so much for your reply. I guess the bit I don’t get is, why dd we have such a great time together and how can he just get up and leave?
I will be completely honest I only started dating at 24 having previously been wrapped up my career and horse riding. I stumble about a bit, having no experience of these sort of men. I was cautious and I ask a shed load of questions. Is it wrong that when I asked him about his previous relationships and who ended them, he said him, in all instances. I over analyse, it’s what I do best I reckon. He deleted me of FB but yet still has his ex on there. I did nothing to him….is it guilt? He has several itms of mine that I have asked for back but he refuses to send them. One of great sentimental value. It’s like he knows he still has a hold. He even cried in front of me. How do you trust anyone after someone does this to you?
i’m so grateful for this site, like all of you. Natalie is a blessing for all of us. Thank you Nat, thank you so much.
I would love to hear some feedback on my story from all of you, as you are all so wise and you all give me so much strength with your posts.
I was dating a bipolar man for about a year, on and off. He broke up with me in the most violent way (by bbm) and without real explanations, after 7 months of relationship, during which i tried so hard to please him and keep him happy. I did not know he was bipolar. So i was blaming myself all the time, shoving my real desires in the back of my head and walking on eggshells so as not to make him angry. He had lots of weird moments, ups and downs, warmth and then extreme coldness within a few days, something a few hours.
After we broke up, I chased him for about 3 months, asking to see him, to get explanations. He more or less rejected every single attempt I made.
After I went NC, he started messaging me again after 2 weeks. I guess for an ego stroke, like Natalie says so wisely. I gave in after 4 weeks of NC (after not replying to 5-6 messages), and agreed to meet him to talk.
Of course he was so handsome and charming and i had suffered SO MUCH during our 4 months apart, that i decided to give it another go.
Two weeks later, he started being cold again, but i decided to ignore it, as i was so desperate for his love (which he never truly gave. He didnt say “i love you” after one year). To make a long painful story short, he broke up with me AGAIN after 3 months, again in the way brutal way.
In the beginning i went back to my old habits of begging and crying and chasing him, but after 2 days i immediately realized it wouldnt work and, most importantly, it would ruin my self esteem. So i stopped.
2 months of NC until today.
He emailed me today to ask for some stuff he had left at my house, some of which belong to his friends. He did not apologize for treating me so poorly. He just said he wished me a good new year and was certain 2012 would be better than 2011 because of all the things he put me through.
He also said he didnt want his friends to be “victims” of his behavior (so i should give their stuff back) and of his private life.
I’m left wondering: WHAT ABOUT ME? Is it OK if i’m victim? as long as him and his friends are not?
I won’t answer for now, will maintain…
So sorry for the pain you have been through with this nut job…remember, though, he does not want anything more than to ‘have the last word’ and feel like he is ‘winning’…..so throw out the junk he left at your house and keep on deleting those messages!!
If that stuff was so important he would have grabbed it up when you were still communicating anyhow!
hugs sister!!
H
I’ve become allergic to charm. I find it a complete and utter turnoff. Sorry to all you decent charming people out there.
Whatever charm is, it is NOT a guarantee of good character. In fact, it’s often used to mask a bad one. Don’t overvalue it.You’re well shot of him. Stick with the NC.
You won’t get an apology, if you do, it will be veiled in insults. Let thatgo as well.
“i tried so hard to please him and keep him happy” . ACs don’t appreciate that, they just use it to their advantage.
Drive by his house and chuck his stuff on the lawn. If that would only irritate him into engaging with you, drive by with a friend and get them to do the handover.
I totally agree grace,
‘Whatever charm is, it is NOT a guarantee of good character. In fact, it’s often used to mask a bad one. Don’t overvalue it.’
Charm to disarm..
That not to say that every charming man is an AC/EUM but every one of them I’ve come across has possessed this trait in great abundance. Now like you grace..it’s a turn-off for me because now I associate it with deception, insincerity and general talking out of the bum.
I was saying the exact same thing to my friend… I’m turned off by that too now!. I was a real sucker for the ‘devastatingly handsome and charming ones’ they all seem so self absorbed in the end and narcissistic and not capable of truly loving another person.
H, just keep walking….
Just my opinion, but I’d say mail back the stuff. No note, no meeting. Just get it off of your mind and out of your house. If it’s too bulky or heavy to mail, have a friend, NOT YOU, drop it off at his place of work (the reception desk).
Natalie, just recently i read – in one of your other articles – you mentioned the term “brain space”. You said, even if you’re doing NC… it will be harder to get past the break up faster because he’s still there with you – in thought. That term “brain space” really has been with me so much these past few days – and it has been helpful! I have given the AC too much brain space! So, as soon as i’m aware… As soon as thoughts of him crop up… i quickly remind myself against letting him have too much (or anymore) brain space. Bringing thoughts elsewhere is easy because I already know… giving him all this brain space will not be helpful to me. But, I also realized that – i dont have very much to think about. My mind can be empty sometimes. I guess it had been a habit thinking about him!
Im okay with not having much to think about. i am working on change… and, i expect to fill that empty space with helpful and more positive thoughts now that i am putting him out of the picture. Thank you Natalie, for helping me come to this realization!
Thank you so much Faith, Grace and Ixnay for replying! It’s my first time posting here. Feels good to know i’m not alone in this.
It’s funny how i’m still considering being “the good girl” (by returning his stuff, which he values a lot), even after the horrible way he’s treating me. I’m wondering whether because i’m still desperately hoping he will see the good in me, and come back, and finally love me, or it’s because i am a good person and i refuse to let evil behavior define me. What do you think?
Any has had experiences with bipolar people?
I don’t see returning the stuff as any kind of good girl syndrome. It will feel good to get it off your premises. Its the hopes behind the action, that he might value you more etc. — that’s magical thinking.
I don’t know how you found out he was bipolar — you said you didn’t know during the relationship? If he *really* is, he needs medication and being involved with him will be as taxing and thenkless as being with an alcoholic. You’d seriously need a 12-step program and your own therapy. It’s too much to take on.
My father was mentally ill. Never properly diagnosed, but he cycled from manic to depressive, and the manic phases went into a paranoid psychotic state with accompanying dangerous behavior, verbal abuse, and strange delusions.
He was also charming, very funny, super-bright, and had a gorgeous, Shakespearean baritone voice (and was English) that made everything he said sound profound. Up until he died he had women swooning for him — even when he was sick, broke, and homeless. I met one of these women when I went to visit him — in a hospital after he’d had a mild stroke. She was convinced they were going to have this glorious future, and she gave me no time alone with him. She took me out for lunch and said, “I understand he and your mother have a good post-divorce relationship.” I guess she wanted me to feel unthreatened and put this all on a “let’s be adults” footing. I just looked at her and thought, you have no effing clue. She didn’t know he was not a normal person. He was not in, and not capable of being in, any relationship she had in her head.
You cannot ask a mentally ill person to be a real partner, any more than you could a drug addict. My mother went through HELL and my brother and I were put in situations that could have killed us.
If this guy is bipolar, you do not have the Baggage Reclaim eum or ac, you’ve got a sick person whose behavior will not make sense and who cannot be reached with reason, kindness, love, constancy, forgiveness — they are on their own trip and trying to relate it to something you did or didn’t do will make you insane.
Thank you Ixnay for sharing your father’s story with me. It truly touched my heart, that you would share something so personal and intimate to help me see the truth about my own life.
The person i’m taking about told me himself that he was bipolar the first time we broke up, after i begged him to see him to get answers and explanations. He had just been diagnosed.
But you are absolutely right. He does not take medication and he made my life a living hell. I wouldnt dare asking you to share more than you have, but i am wondering if, in your experience, you recognized the fact of [leaving relationship violently and returning to them months later] as a pattern for bipolar people. I’ve read on hundreds on forums that this is very common.
I am not hoping that he will return, because I know it would destroy my life, but it’s very hard to close that chapter of my life, as I had only love for him, and in my unrealistic & unreasonable way of loving, i didnt want it to end.
I think any leaving-and-coming-back pattern would be highly individual; I don’t think you can generalize across all bipolar on that score.
I will say, however, that my father would often *seem to forget* all the things he’d said and done during his manic phases, and expect a normal family and marriage, and be perplexed that it wasn’t there. Also, he was not able to function in basic ways like doing taxes, insurance paperwork, etc., and despite the ways he’d villainized my mother, he found it quite natural that she would continue to do these tasks for him. And she did them for 15 years after their divorce. Not because she was a doormat or living in hope, but because by that point she had given up any expectations of adult or reciprocal behavior, but she cared about him like you would a blood relative, and there was nobody else to make sure he didn’t fall through the cracks of society.
You just don’t want to go down that road; you don’t want to be the point person and the one who “cares the most” for someone who can’t and will never be able to meet the most basic partnership needs. How my mother was able to grieve and let go, forgive, and remain this stabilizing force for him while at the same time making a new life for herself — somewhat miraculous.
Even with medication and therapy this guy will present many issues and moments of disappointment, confusion, and panic in his partner. You have a chance to get out clean now. You seriously do not want to be researching bipolar and nagging him to take his meds and experiencing that sinking feeling as he cycles from exuberant and loving to sullen and cruel over and over. You don’t want to be an expert on him. There’s no prize for that, just more of the same.
Great post! It is easier said than done to stop thinking about an ex. Even when you’re over this person there can be instances where something reminds you of him or her. I like how you recognize that this is okay. You just don’t to make an effort to think about them.
Love the website by the way.
I love what you say about letting yourself think about him for a specific period of time (say 10 minutes) and then getting on with life. That goes along with the “what you resist persists” theory. If you spend all day trying NOT to think of someone you are really thinking of them and feeling bad and guilty about that on top. If you let yourself then you spend less time and lose the guilt. I think that’s brilliant and I’m going to use it. I waste so much time feeling like I shouldn’t be having my feelings and forgetting the feelings aren’t good or bad, they just are.
Hi,
My story goes as follows.
I met the EU guy at a one night stand. He was so gorgous, so I continued to see him. We became good friends, but after some time I fell i love with him. He told me he wasn`t ready for a relationship, that he would only hurt me, that he couldn`t give me what I needed and that he was a bad guy.
I then decided that I wouldn`t see him again and told him so. But after a couple of weeks, I missed him so much I reached out to him and we started seeing each other again.
The relationship basically turned into me being his rebound. He had just come out of a three year relstionship and I guess he was still hurting from that. But he was sending so mixed singnals. Sending me text from his tris from the other side of the world, wanting me to come on trips with him and just telling me his secrets.
Before Christmas I had bought him a present, but he told me he didn`t deserve it and told me to give it to someone else. That realy hurt my feelings and just stopped all contact with him. While I was on my vacation he told me that he wanted to see me, and wanted to know when I was coming home. I immediatley thought that he was going to apologies, but he never did. He told me that he had bought me a parfume, but the airport security had taken it from him. I don`t know if I should believe that, sounds like he was feeling a bit guilty.
When I came home I saw him again and he told me he realy wanted to be with me, but I was too young, I hadn`t slept with enough men and I was still living at home at that time. i didn`t know how to respond to that, so I didn`t say anythhing. Which i totally regret now.
So then came my birthday, he dind`t come . The day after I asked him if he had any feelings for me, and he said no. That he had no feelings at all, but he wished he had.
I again stopped all contact with him, but again I missed him so much I sent him a text saying that I missed him. He said he couldn`t realy say the same, as he had a girlfriend now. My heart just broke, I couldn`t believe it.
I realy tried to move on, and I did but I never realy grieved over him or my disapointment in myself. No one wanted me to be with him, so I felt I had to hide my feelings. After two years I started working at the same firm, just where he lived before. I didn`t realy know if should take the job, but I needed one so I hoped I wouldn`t see…
oops. I guess I wrote a very long story there.
Anyways, what I wanted to say is that I feel these EU guys make you the problem. It`s always you that are the reason for that they can`t fall in love with you or have a real relationship with you.
The hard part is the rejection, I am still struggling with that.
juwls
“He told me he wasn`t ready for a relationship, that he would only hurt me, that he couldn`t give me what I needed and that he was a bad guy”.
he told you what would happen, and that’s what happened.
It is hard. But you know what to do next time a man says that to you.
And friends don’t have sex, however young you are.
Don’t regret not saying anything. there’s nothing you can say that will change the status quo (other than “bye!”)
juwls, well i have to respond because your story is similar to mine. its the fact that these men are communicating that they dont want us, yet we seem to keep persisting. in regards to him insisting he bought you a perfume, my Mr EUM, also told me he bought he something overseas, but couldnt bring it because of having weight issues at the airport with his luggage, yeah sure (i asked him to bring me a simple necklace,). your guy lied just as my guy did. at the end of the day you feel like shit because you adore this person and know that you can bring alot into the relationship. the issue isn’t about you. he just doesnt want to try having a relationship with you. when a guy doesnt ‘care’ about you, theres nothing you can do about it. no amount of convincing or sex will make them want you. its funny, because at times i feel like shaking mr EUM and saying ‘why, wont you want me’, i know that sounds desperate. but its hard when you have feelings for someone and its one sided and then you start imagining how great the relationship would be if they gave you a chance. Rejection is the worst, especiallly when they reject you, move onto another and you feel that there is something ‘lacking’ in you. Remember there is nothing wrong with you. its them that didnt give you a shot to know you better and again, thats out of your hands. you need to look after yourself and not contact him. it looks like he would use you as a fallback girl, because he knows he has you. Do you really want to waste your time being this girl, when other women out there are having fabulous loving relationships. i think no, you want someone who is very much into you completely. your situation gives you something to learn about. don’t be like him. don’t reject people. i feel you need to expand your horizons. when you meet people, truly get to know them. i think because you are a caring and giving person, you will attract someone like you, whilst he will most likely attract selfish women. i believe in karma, and i believe that through this guys treatment of you, it doesnt reflect well in his character. you dont want someone like that, you want someone like you.
Hi,
Thanks for the replies.
I was 22 when I met him and just stoppes having bulimia. So I guess I wasn’ t actually emotionally stable.
I just dont undergravd why he was so mad at me for wanting closure?
So, am not shure If im ready to date again. It scares me…
Juwls
You won’t get closure from him. A break up is not a negotiation. He can do whatever stupid, thoughtless, careless, hurtful thing he wants to do (if you keep putting yourself in front of him). That’s his choice. Let it go.
If you get fired unfairly from a job, you could keep going back asking them why and demanding an explanation until security escorts you off the building. Or muster your self-respect and dignity and find something better. That no-one can take away from you.
He’s not God, he doesn’t hold the key to your life. It’s you.
I take issue with what jasmine says only because so many women think this way – that he didn’t give you a chance to prove yourself. You don’t have to prove yourself. You should never feel like you’re some kind of performer trying to impress a man with your beauty/body/ intelligence/ whatever. What is a man supposed to do for a woman? Cherish, love, protect. Not watch her jumping through hoops while he decides if she’s good enough. DON’T ENGAGE.
This article (and pretty much all your others) are exactly why I find it therapeutic to visit your site. It is a reminder that life is short. There is no dress rehearsal, so make this one count! We need to not waste time on those who do not deserve our time. When a person is rejected, it lowers their self-esteem. (Anyone who says otherwise is bee essing to the tenth power.) What we ultimately need in times of rejection and confusion – is confidence. Even if we are a pretty confident person, there are unfortunately some really manipulative jack bunnies [sic] {edited for viewer discretion } out there that have the ability to make some of the most confident people lose our sense of well-being. We need to know, (or rather, be reminded) that although there were things we may have done imperfectly, nobody’s perfect, and we are going to be okay, and this was not the best match. Life is amazing because it is unpredictable but also scary. We just need to focus on working on ourselves, learn from our mistakes, learn never to REPEAT said mistakes, start being fabulous and the best person we can be, so we can meet the best person for us. So whenever I start ruminating, I know I can always come here, and read about your ways to be confident, and it helps me remember that I am fabulous. I just need to let go, and let myself BE fabulous. So thank you for that.
Lisa, that was well said! As someone who was “disappeared on” recently, I keep hoping he’ll turn up. But I realize that he doesn’t DESERVE me, and I should not take him back. In the meantime, I have been punishing myself by not eating, not putting on makeup, not doing my nails. Like you said, I need to let myself be fabulous!
I recently realised that I have actually attracted these assclowns into my life, because I have never stood upon for myself. And this actually is true for friends as well. I had an ephiany last night that until I actually stand up for myself and put people in their place when they mistreat me, I will continue to attract assclowns. I usally just ignore these people and not say anything, but that actually is rejecting myself. I would never let a guy treat a friend of mine the same way this assclown treated me. I would be furious. But because I have never been thaught to stand up for myself, I have let others walk all over me. So my lesson in life is to bring out my sasha fierce… Enough is enough!!! I am starting karate in a couple of weeks and then I am offically done with assclowns, EUM and mistreatment. I am a strong woman!!!
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