How much effort have you put into figuring out this guy’s real needs, and meeting them? What if part of his quietness, his letting you take the lead, is that this is how he is trying to get along with you? Have you deliberately given him real encouragement when he does something you respect?

I don’t think there is anyone or anything that is truly boring. Boredom is our reaction to something – and often something we aren’t paying enough attention to – a friend, a task, a job, a drive in the afternoon.

Blessed be!

Thanks for your post here, but unfortunately it does not speak to my situation. I’ve been married 26 yrs and divorced. He was EUM with a ton of issues, but had 4 fabulous boys, now mostly grown. The most recent EUM came after the divorce and lasted two years. I really threw myself into that r/s and it appeared to me that he was “perfect” because we had so many interests in common. It was exactly what Natalie wrote on her most recent posts regarding how interests in common add up to nothing if there is no foundation for a real healthy relationship.
I’m just wondering out loud here if a relationship can truly work when I’m feeling no chemistry. If you’ve been following any of my messages, I’m with Mr. People pleaser and find him boring. And not because there is no drama. I don’t want drama. But we have no shared interests other than me, and thats boring me to pieces. He is kind, considerate and helpful.he would accompany me to anywhee and do anything I want to go to, like movies, readings, theatre, art openings, but not because he is into those things. I’m into those things. he’d just do anything for and with me. But for me, thats not “it”, not enough. He is a very simple quiet person and unlike myself, doesn’t read, watch movies, theatre, any of that stuff. Its just that I cannot “find” him. Do you know what I mean? I’m a very intense, strong minded person and I can’t help but find very quiet people dull. Nice, but dull. So I’m not feeling chemistry. I’m not drawn to him the way I think I should be.

Does that make sense?

You ask about ‘both feet’. I think that refers to whether you want a date for the rest of your life, or a family. A family might or might not include children, depending. But a family builds and lives in a home, not just a house or apartment or room. ‘Both feet’ means you each what the other to help build that home that will be yours for the rest of your lives. This is very different from, ‘OK, I wasn’t planning on going somewhere today, and you are comfortable, so let’s just keep on being together while it is fun.”

No, do *not* wait to bump into someone with shared interests or that you notice a spark. Network. Choose to spend time with people, lots of people. Choose to get to know people with good character, good emotional bond health with friends and family. Share activities with married people. Avoid permanent and professional daters. Mention to a few respected, married women you want to settle down.

Envision the man of your dreams. Who is he, who are his friends, what is he doing, what is your home like? Now consider where a man like that might be today. Unless you dream of a bartender, he likely won’t be hanging around where alcohol is served. Or even dating.

The first thing you want to establish is character. Do this by ‘reading’ your network. Keep your antennae up for indications someone is interested in you – friends report he is asking, you notice he turns up regularly.

Forget about all the dating rules – phone for this, phone within ‘X’ hours, etc. Keep your goal in mind – that you want someone to build a life together with. Accept disagreements, as long as you respect his perspective, and respect him. Expect the ‘spark’ to come and go. You *don’t* want someone highly skilled – suave – at getting women into bed. You do want someone good with animals and kids – that is, they are better for knowing him.

Allow for a need to learn about relationships and getting along together and handling needs and emotions. Be gentle – courtesy has a way of winning it’s own reward.

Until you and he are ready to settle down, don’t get involved in social functions or dates with less than four people involved. Six or eight people at a dinner party, or bowling, or going to a wine tasting or community theater is better. Spend time with married people (avoid flirting with anyone that you aren’t contemplating for a partner).

Build a social life. A network of friends will be the best way to ‘uncover’ a good prospect, then you can explore if there is any chemistry present.

In looking for Mr. Opposite of the EUM, my thinking was that if I felt chemistry, or if he was “my type” he was Mr. Bad. Mr. EUM. That if I did not feel chemistry, if he was not my “type” hence, Mr. Opposite, maybe there is promise, true potential for healthy relationship. But when you add in today’s posts about its not about we have interests in common, its who he is, I end up with wondering….. Who Am I Looking For?

I feel no chemistry, no real attraction with my people pleaser guy and it has not developed yet over these four months. Nor do we have interests in common. He is a nice guy and likes to nurture me and pamper me and the only interest in common is, well, me. The ex-EUM I shared many interests with but he was an assclown.

Is it reasonable to believe that if I continue to just live my life on my own, I might someday bump into a man who is emotionally available, and someone I have chemistry with, and some shared interests so we have something to build a relationship on?
I know in today’s post, Natalie you wrote that it doesn’t matter if there are shared interests if the two of us don’t both have both feet in…..

My question is, both feet in what? What makes a good relationship? Shouldn’t there be some shared interests, shared passions, some spark, some chemistry???? I’m so confused….
Please someone, enlighten me!!

Wendy

Love it!

If opinions are like .. ahem, noses, everyone has one, then brainstorming “What should I do?” and “What can I do tonight” *has* to go better with several friends, than sitting at the kitchen table after the kids are asleep (or while vacuuming or dusting).

And it is tough. We make many decisions each day, choosing to do this, never thinking of doing that, because we have gotten used to a particular bias or someone else’s preference. Finding those hidden drivers, understanding whether you want to keep that reason or to try something different, is some of the most intense soul searching we do. Change is measured in pain, so there really are no easy choices.

Luck!

YOu’ve helped me so much!! I have been picking my relationship with Nice Guy apart way too much. You are both so right. If my gut feels he isn’t right for me, or that perhaps he really isn’t all that nice, or that he is nice, but has his own mega-issues, than its ok to not be in the relationship.
I did come into the relationship with this one because he was, well, just there, and because he was so nice and so opposite of my EUM. In my simplistic way of looking at things, that made him relationship material.
I really finally feel strong enough inside of myself to finally listen to my gut and you have helped me learn how to listen to myself.
Since somewhere inside of me I still have been sending myself negative messages regarding my not being worthy of love, I’ve ended up clinging to this guy way too long. Another reason I’ve hung onto him is fear- if I think I’m unworthy and unlovable, then only an EUM will find me, or someone with problems like this nice guy who actually is Mr. Loser/Nice Guy all wrapped up in one. I have been settling and it has to do with my self image again,
I am going to be brave, and finally tell myself that being alone is better than being with an EUM or a nice guy/loser with huge self esteem issues himself.
I am worthy of a great guy and all I really need to know is that one day, I’ll meet him. And that day doesn’t have to be now. And I don’t have to fearful, jump at the first man who comes along out of desperation.
Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is week four of NC with my EUM and I have been struggling with it, we’ve done NC several times. This is approaching the longest I’ve ever gone. He’s starting to blow hot again, after weeks of silence. I won’t engage with him, I can’t go through another break up. It’s just so futile. I try to “drown my sorrow” by chatting with a few men on dating sites and have gone out on a few dates, in between breakups with the EUM.. I think I’m probably emotionally unavailable now.

My ex EUM is like a scab that won’t heal. I hope two months from now I can say I’m truly over this person. I still stand by everything I said about Internet dating, it can be brutal but if I was in a better place emotionally I probably would be able to see things clearer.

But. Someone that isn’t dating at all, really, wouldn’t know that. And, really, for a long term relationship, you *don’t* want someone highly experienced at meeting fresh bed partners. Using dating ‘rules’ to avoid the inept will work against you, if you start making contact with someone that sees meeting someone important in their life as a casual acquaintance that might develop. Now, I know this kind of attitude won’t be attractive to an avid, experienced dater. And, as I said, if this guy is a dater, if you met somewhere they served alcohol, then you are right – this is a dude with ‘trouble’ written in big letters all over.

@myalmostlover – “not a very social person”. And that has to come first. Mating, taking two people and making a family, is a social convention. Try to exist as a couple isolated from neighbors and community, and you have no foundation, no sustaining influences – no context.

You have to like and love yourself before you can love another – else you won’t respect the other for being with you. Meeting and enjoying friends is partly practice for getting along with others, partly keeping role models that you respect and admire, and wish to emulate, about you. And partly for the emotional bonds that enrich the soul.

When you see yourself participating in a community – perhaps, at first, just the people working at places you shop, neighbors you pass regularly, people at work – your world view expands. By simply offering a greeting (not even expecting a response) you begin to enrich the lives about you. This is good experience for keeping a relationship alive, but is also a reward for you and for your community. OK, I am rambling.

You want to be a part of a community, a social setting, and have friends. Once established, you will feel part of something bigger. You will evaluate potential partners on the basis of making you happy – and by how they interact in your community. If you have surrounded yourself with honorable, honest, disciplined people, flaws in character will be *much* easier to spot, and will be much more important to you – easier to avoid. Not to mention, a considerate and concerned friend will be likely to offer feedback and advice – Yeah, yeah,, that may help or may not, but can get you thinking more clearly.

The bond you form with a mate should be the most important bond in your life, until you have children, and then it should be the foundation for your bonds to any children. But we can’t make that ‘mate’ bond in a vacuum. We really need the friends and community to bring it all together.

One of the fears of the EUM is that you will escape his control, or cheat (since he knows so *very* much about cheating, he assumes everyone else, given the chance). He will isolate you – keep you from friends and family and anything that distracts you or anyone that might criticize him. Which tells you right off, that to avoid attracting EUM attention, you need the social contacts, you need the friends, and you need your family.

My thinking is that a guy should have met, and you should have gotten encouragement, from both your parents or five (5) trusted friends, before you get intimate. Which means you need the five friends or close family, first.

Look at it this way – meeting friends isn’t that much more difficult than meeting someone for a long term relationship. And you will likely meet the right guy in similar circumstances.

Just wanted to say, again, for the zillionth time, how grateful I am to you. Your posts are more than perfect and you have helped me in more ways than I can express with words. I just came home from trying to explain to my Mr. Nice Guy why his niceness pushes me away. Not sure how good a job I did, but at least I can say, I was honest. And the entire conversation was inspired by you. I just felt you sitting on my shoulder. Thank you. Wendy