Comments on: Guest post: You Don’t Have To EVER Stop Loving Your Man

By: am

am — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 04:34:25 +0000

I agree. If you surrender them over to the universe, say a prayer for them and honor the love you had in your heart for them (from a distance of course) it is much easier to let it all go. We are not wrong for having loved, but now we must love ourselves more.

By: CDK

CDK — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 05:56:06 +0000

It is a wonderful thing to continue to love, but I think that is what got us all to this site in the first place…or maybe that was continuing to hope. I’ve found that I do still love all of my exes, and men in my past, in ways, but it’s only something that can happen after the initial separation – the separation that EUMs are quite reluctant to allow.

And yes, I think you must admit to yourself that you do “love” this person, whatever that means to you, in order to be able to get through the pain and grief of losing them. If you’re not admitting the loss, that puts you in the anger/denial phase indefinitely. Yuck.

By: BTDT

BTDT — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 15:33:44 +0000

Wow, I just found this website last night and can’t stop reading it. Its like having a 100 best girl friends telling me exactly what I need to hear. I just ended my A, 7 days ago by NC. I’m married, still no D day, thankfully. I’ve cried my eyes out, drank and smoked myself sick, and spent days in the clouds wallowing in my own self pity, occasionally breaking into the sunshine by listening to woman empowerment songs like Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable” and Pink’s “U and Ur hand.” I’m highly successful, well educated, affluent, and from all outward appearances have everything. I fell for a sweet talking single handsome man who was an emotional and physical mess, borderline homeless, devout Christian (or so he led me to believe). OMG, how did i EVER fall for him???? So hard it hurt. Crazy. Almost left my marriage to be with him, but didn’t. Yes, he was cheating on me, not once, but three times that I know of. I never would have accepted this behavior before. The sex was amazing, he said all the right things, made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world, his soul-mate, we were meant to be together, etc…wow. Hook, line and sinker. I do love him, probably always will, even after everything. I agree that you can still say “you will always have a piece of my heart”, but you will NEVER control my heart ever again. NC has to be the way to do it. I tried to quit the A multiple times. This time I am sticking to it. This site has given me the strength to see the A for what it was, an addiction. I accept full responsibility for my actions though. I am the one who screwed up. Im working on repairing my marriage. Thank you to everyone out there for helping me.

By: Gaynor

Gaynor — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 16:46:48 +0000

Jo,

Boy, he sounds like a real prince. What a creep to dump you by text.

You’re right about not holding on to the anger though, all it it does is hurt us.

By: Jo

Jo — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 15:35:33 +0000

Totally agree. Just gone through a painful and confusing breakup. It’s was a longdistance relationship and we’d just had a fantastic pre-christmas weekend together talking about being together next Christmas, what we were going to do in the summer holiday and that he would lie in bed holding me forever staring into my eyes if he could. He goes to his parents for the festivities, tells me what an absolutly lovely time he had…and then four days later dumps me by text because he misses me too much and can’t do the long distance thing. Yeah, I said it was a confusing break-up…

Anyway, I was SO ANGRY at him I couldn’t see straight. I couldn’t eat and I was just beating myself up all the time obsessing about what I’d done wrong. Until I decided not to hate him any more and not be angry. It does work. You might not think so at the time but it does. I have accepted that I love him and that I can’t do anything about that until it fades naturally. Stop fighting the feeling – it will make you ill. xx

By: Debs

Debs — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 13:24:24 +0000

burgled

music has a lot to answer for, mix it with alcohol and wait for the bang.

mine biggy at the mo is Will Young – Grace and Britainy – Womaniser.

luckily i smile when i hear them though.

By: Burgled!

Burgled! — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 18:17:34 +0000

Hear hear!!!

A lot of things still remind me of him, particularly some of the music that’s out at the moment, which I always get subjected to when I’m inebriated in some night club! So I have cried over him recently but the feelings come and go. Often it feels as though I don’t feel anything for him and then at other times I really really miss him and start to conjure up ways of being able to bump into him again. But it’s only a way of coping, of telling myself that I am in control and if I really wanted to then I could. But I won’t. And it’s good to know that it’s OK to still have these feelings. Because how frustrating would it be to try to deny or to quash them. And that poem, wow!!! Very inspiring – thanks for sharing!

By: Sindh

Sindh — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 02:19:25 +0000

You don’t just stop loving someone even if there are a million reasons for it, that is the greatest thing about it, its the capability of loving someone even when there are no reasons for it. You just love them and if that gets thrown back at your face like mine was a million times, you learn and accept that you feel what you feel and not having that appreciated does not mean its wrong or bad.

I love my man truly and honestly, in fact he’s the only one I have truly loved. I can’t switch it off even if I hope I can. Its there and it will probably be there for a long long time. If the love of a good honest strong woman was just not enough or good for him, that’s something real for him which means I have to accept that and I think I have.

Ladies, self sacrifice sounds glorified but what happens while we do this is our self esteem takes a beating, I have been there, its one thing giving and taking or even if its a 80/20 but totally another thing giving, giving and giving and getting that abused, its not healthy and no one should stick around and do it. Its time to bail out.

Life is about feeling good and its hard enough without having someone (in my case) taking a shot at me every single time. Yes I love him, yes I still care for him and yes it makes me want to cry when I think of all the times he lied and cheated on me, what do I do ? Stick around for more ??

Its a habit and habits can be broken. I went out on my first date last Sunday and nope I ain’t crazy about the guy but he treated me like a queen, know how that felt even if I was not crazy in love with him ? GOOD. It felt good and I think my self esteem shot up to the sky.

So ladies, its enough really, start dating, start having fun, no need to go out there and lay your heart on the line but for me its time.

This site has helped me tremendously and I am grateful to NML, HAF and every single one of you who has the courage to seek instead of hide.

God Bless

By: FinallyOverIt

FinallyOverIt — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 15:41:12 +0000

HAF, I cannot keep saying to myself that I “love” my ex-EUM because for me it is contradictory to the steps I am making to move on with my life. I know deep down in my heart that I continue to have feelings for him, and yes, you could probably say that I do love him, but I think for me it has to be about forgiveness rather than love in order for me to heal and move on. In this case, love is a wasted emotion in my situation. But, I do believe that it is very important to forgive in order to truly move on with your life. Harboring ill will and negative feelings and emotions for someone just keeps you their prisoner.

By: Kim

Kim — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 15:09:50 +0000

Abril – my rel w/my EUM was long distance. He did that at least twice a month after ending it with me & he had someone else. Eventually when he got no response from me he gave up contact. In my case there were several reasons why he contacted me & they weren’t to keep his foot in the door but they were all very self serving reasons. He need something from me, wanted to make sure we were still “friends” in case I confronted him when in town. It was all small talk, factual stuff. It is hard to go from being the “love of his life” to an acquaintance in the blink of an eye. If I have learned anything in this process of pain it is that more than anything else they are selfish, selfish, selfish & everything they do only serves their purpose. Hence why he came to me in the 1st place.

By: Kim

Kim — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 15:04:18 +0000

Cheekie – ‘Man patch”. LOL! That is great! My body would be covered! LOL

By: cheekie

cheekie — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 02:37:01 +0000

Hey abril,
just hold tight and keep the faith. it took me a long time to get here.
and it’s true, only time can do it. there is nothing magical, nothing anyone can say to you that will make it happen any faster for YOU.

but it will happen. just be kind to yourself.
it’s like quitting smoking or anything else that’s bad for us.
cold turkey, cutting back, the patch…all different methods to get to the same place.
we’re all different and chose the one that will work for you and stick to it…

too bad there wasn’t a ‘man patch’ huh?

xo

By: abril

abril — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 20:28:39 +0000

Thanks Loving Annie. I am trying to be true to my vow of NC. Sometimes I have taken the bait, that is given in and responded to his e-mails. I’m always sorry. He doesn’t call any longer (had my number changed). Basically our only contact is through e-mail. Now he tells me he’s coming to town next week and would dearly love to see me (for old times sake, of course). I have promised myself and the universe that I will NOT see this man again.

Maybe one day I’ll be at the position where cheekie is…I think we all work these things out in our heads differently. I do not really have anger towards him. I did. But now I just want to be able to say, ‘hey, a whole day went by and I didn’t think of him once’. That’ll be good enough for me.

By: cheekie

cheekie — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 04:35:35 +0000

Great post HAF, and it’s true.
Unfortunately these days it is so much easier to be and stay angry. Anger is so consuming. And it hurts only you. Sends out negative ‘vibes’ to the universe as well, if you want to put it that way.
When you say to yourself that it is ok that you loved and still love this person, but, you do not nor can be with them. That is when you can move on.
It is making peace.
And you have to, for you.

Having friends tell you ‘you can do better, best forget him’ comes off as dismissive. It demeans that love that you truly feel. Feel it. Then put it away.
You will feel better, I promise.

By: Loving Annie

Loving Annie — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 23:23:04 +0000

Don’t respond to him, Abril. Ignore him. He’s just getting his ego stroked by getting ANY kind of a response from you.
Let his wife respond to him.
Assclown.