Comments on: Your Love Does Not Equal Their Love

By: Carrie

Carrie — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 16:10:04 +0000

This is a wonderful article and website in whole. Thank you so much. It really hits home. Please keep up the good work.

By: LadyDB

LadyDB — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 02:08:49 +0000

I am an older women and have survived and been delivered from a number of bad relationships and scary people both men and some women, both Family and Friends. Personally, I have “no regrets” because I learned something about damaged men and damaged women including (me.) I am not excusing them or myself, I am recognizing the wounded spirits that we are if we come from dysfunctional or painful past life events. I believe some try, but didn’t learn or know how to change. ( Many have undiagnosed mental conditions as well). The key for me is to find some forgiveness for myself and them and find a better resting place that nurturers growth, understanding and love, as NML is so wisely teaching on this site, heal yourself and love yourself, the uniquely beautiful being you are. Be Blessed!!!

By: Jeyjey

Jeyjey — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 19:07:16 +0000

Your website and articles are sooo amazing! You say things exactly as I need to hear them, at the time I need to hear them. I agree, you are a genuis in the way you put things so clearly.
I’m slowly, but surely learning to put myself first, set up boundaries and not live in la la land for nearly as long as I used to. I’m trying to learn to love myself first and have the healthy life AND love that I deserve. TY!!

By: ChrisB

ChrisB — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 23:31:15 +0000

“The key is not to decide that you canâ€™t trust anyone because thatâ€™s more of a reflection of the fact that you canâ€™t trust yourself.”

That’s stunningly deep, insightful and thought provoking. It’s got me thinking about a link between it and the articles on seeking validation from ACs.

For me these are the two key parts to just kicking them out of your mind …
a) understanding why you are keeping their memory alive (the validation articles address this
b) letting yourself off the need to “figure it/and them” all out in order to move on (the trust statement above is key to this)

For me personally if I can answer both of these (and this article has helped) then I think I can close the drawer and move on.

I’m not quite there yet but I’m quite excited at the moment because I can see that the answers to my questions are in me alone and nothing to do with them … therefore, in theory, I just don’t need them around (or in my mind) in order to answer the questions.

Hopefully that’s a breakthough (for me) of sorts …

By: bebe

bebe — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 04:07:55 +0000

….am i being selfish if i’m worried about my own feelings when he’s the one dying? I’m dizzy from all this uncertainty…unconscious thinking, rambling if you will…he calls it waffling. Obviously, I’m not the type to stick to my decisions and he has sensed that too. What if it turns out that I’M the assclown? Dreamer v’s realist. We seem to exchange roles every so often. I know this is all very vague..but tell me what are your impressions from all of this…anyone?

By: bebe

bebe — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 02:58:46 +0000

I’m intelligent…I understand everything you’ve written and I feel the same as many, if not all, of these women. So why do I secretly hope he’ll come back and start this all over again??!! (like he always does). There are too many factors to consider: i’m married…he’s dying of cancer…we’re both screwed. Should I learn to accept this, turn my back and walk away??? NC for 1 mth and i’m wondering if he’s lonely…missing me…or even dead. Please help, because I’m feeling the urge to go running back for more heartache.

By: Kim

Kim — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 21:01:25 +0000

Thank you! Thank you! I’ve finally done it, I’ve cut ties with him and I’ve been feeling so anxious about doing it, but now that it’s done, I feel so much better. This guy kept telling me that he wanted to be close and he wanted to spend time with me and he wanted what I wanted, but those feelings waned over several years and he wasn’t giving me anything near the end! I kept holding on to how he acted in the past and I couldn’t believe how badly he began to act in the last several months. I do love myself too much to continue to allow it, so I’ve cut the ties and it feels good. Now, hopefully I’ll remember all this when I have the urge to call or e-mail me in a few days….

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

By: Kissie

Kissie — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 17:34:13 +0000

All I can say is Amen!! thx NML!

By: Loving Annie

Loving Annie — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 16:53:10 +0000

Very very VERY true, NML.
This should be my daily bible I carry around and plaster to my forehead when I start getting emotionally interested in someone.
HIS reality, his needs, his wants, his feelings – those are the things that I need to see thorugh his actions and his words are on the SAME PAGE as mine consistently.
If they aren’t, I’m fantasizing and setting myself up to be hurt – by my own unrealistic expectations or habit patterns with an EUM.
It’s really all about staying CONSCIOUS and CLEAR about what I want versus what I’m getting.

By: Growing Wiser

Growing Wiser — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 14:41:56 +0000

I told my EUM that I loved him and he responded that those were major words and that I was saying them too easily. I snapped back that he was speaking for himself and that he was nobody to tell me how to feel or when it was the right time to express my feelings. I told him the best he could do if he could not be grateful for my expression of love was to shut his trap. I regret not leaving him on the spot. Of course, in our time together, he never told me he loved me. He could not even bring himself to say the word “love.” He did say he adored me, which I always thought felt pathetically short. I finally got tired of him and of the relationship not moving forward and left him. I realized he just did not know what love is and was uncapable of loving anybody but himself. Now, I can’t forgive myself for giving my precious heart to such a pathetic loser. He still calls me and emails him but I ignore him. He seems to enjoy getting the cold sholder because he keeps coming back for more. Now, I’m working on forgiving myself for giving so much to somebody who did not know how to receive and who was only capable of giving so little.

By: Gina

Gina — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 14:14:03 +0000

I think you are a genuis in the way you put things so clearly. Over the past few years I have been getting healthier in all aspects; yet reading your posts every so often always empowers me and keeps me on track!

By: nomoredazzler

nomoredazzler — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 08:53:31 +0000

I too have an ex family in law who tell me I deserve someone better. We were together for 15 years with two beautiful children together. I always made excuses for his behaviour and put it down to his difficulty in really expressing how he felt about me. After all he bought me beautiful things, even if he didn’t have the time to actually spend with me. I have been no contact for just under two months and it is the hardest thing to do ever. But I am no longer under the delusion that he will change his ways and see the light. I deserve much better and I have started to realise that I have to love myself first and foremost and then I won’t make such bad choices. I am also doing this for the sake of my children so they don’t grow up and either behave or excuse in the same way as their father.

By: AJ

AJ — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 07:25:45 +0000

I love how after reading one of your posts that little light bulb flashes on in my brain and I think, “Duh! How could I have not seen how desperate I acted!?” And another revelation I had..I’m only on this site due to my first heartbreak in 38 years but the more I read the more I realize this has been one long continuous pattern dating back to my first boyfriend..two marriages..and a long engagement. My biggest complaint? “Why do I end up doing all the relationship work?” (light bulb flashing bright right about now) These past two months have been nothing less than debilitating but I’ve made more progress in the past few days than I could have ever imagined. I finally got off the couch a few weeks ago, quit smoking, walked outside one morning and ran (like Forest Gump) and I’ve been running everyday ever since. I read this site every evening – what I once needed to “get through it” but now I’m understanding a helluva lot more about me than I ever imagined. I’d be the first to point fingers at the assclown who “did this to me” but in the end I was more of an assclown for putting up with it. I have been feeling so pissed off for being rejected..after all WHO in their right mind could reject ME!?? Then I had an epiphany moment..these guys from my past that I left because I’d finally had enough all had something in common – they all came running back after I threw in the towel and bailed but by then I had no interest. I always chalked it up as a cat and mouse game but now it makes sense. I wasnt about to put up with crap anymore. An unconcious boundery a little too late? Before I came to this site I didnt think I needed any because – hey…I was gonna love him enough for the both of us damnit! And truth be known, when I joined this site, I was going to prove this ridiculous No Contact concept to be inaccurate as my darling just needed a bit of space until he realized how much I love him then I would be back here to say that he came to my door and we rode off on his horse into the land of rainbows and unicorns. Well ladies, let me tell ya’…if he ever showed up on my doorstep I’d send him packing on the ass he rode in on. Things keep surfacing that he said during our “relationship” that I must have puposely ignored in my drunken love for him. Things like “aw, you’re so desperate” or “I hate that hair colour” or “why do you stare at me with that dumb look?” (he was just tired from working so hard and needed MORE love ya’ know) If I wasn’t busy floating away on cloud 9 I would have ended it after the first comment, although if I were grounded in reality, that first comment would have never been spoken. This is how much of a contrast there is in my thinking now compared to before and I find it a blessing that for once in my life I dont feel lonely being alone.

By: mankie

mankie — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 06:08:35 +0000

i just need to ask something, is it that now his family is such a huge issue because, smehow in some sucontious way you keep contact with them because you have a need to keep having somebody/something that loves you. i mean .

By: Gotitright

Gotitright — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 04:12:25 +0000

Hey NML, your blog is a gift that I open every morning.
Thank you!