When you feel like you have little or no choices, it’s because your mentality paints you into a corner where it’s not that you don’t have any options, but that you either don’t like the options that you’re faced with (you don’t feel that you have the choices that you’d prefer), or because you don’t believe in your own capabilities.
We perceive our choices in terms of the limitations we think that we have.
The more limitations we believe we have, the less choices we perceive ourselves to have access to and in fact, the less opportunities we think we’re going to face in the future.
If you think you have ‘flaws’ (don’t we all but lots of people seem to think that being human is a barrier to choice) and that in your eyes it means you can’t be X or do Y and that certain people aren’t going to be interested in you, you’ve just shrunk your options. If you respond to your perceived limits by being with people that reflect your them, you’ll exclude available options and opt yourself into the unavailable dating pool. Next thing, all of your options ‘look’ unavailable.
We can practically prophesise doom for ourselves. Then, because we’re feeling low, we’re saying that we need to stay in the job we’re in even though it’s draining our soul because we think that we’re too old to change or that it would be too hard to get a new qualification or to apply in that field or that there are no jobs out there, end of. Or, we’re saying that a relationship that we’re very unhappy in is ‘as good as it gets’. We already felt that our choices were limited when we got into the relationship; when we look to the future, we think we’ll have even less opportunities than we think we have right now to be in a better relationship so we decide that we’ll continue to invest in our ‘only’ option.
Many people who avoid making decisions do so because they keep thinking about the future and trying to ‘protect’ it by avoiding making decisions or even dodge admitting mistakes for fear of limiting choices in a future that will eventually become the present, which of course they’ll dodge then when it comes around.
Often when faced with having to make a choice, it’s deciding between choosing the path of least resistance (your uncomfortable comfort zone) and change. When you paint yourself into a corner and say that you have no choices or that your only choice is to remain in an uncomfortable comfort zone or pretend you’re making a choice that’s actually a variation of your comfort zone, you’re painting yourself into a corner and removing your options, and a person who doesn’t feel that they have any options is not a happy person. You’re certainly not going to feel like you’re living the life you’re choosing to be in.
Of course it’s also important to remember that not making a choice is a choice in itself.
It’s not about thinking that you have endless options (there are people out there for instance, who treat dating, particularly online dating, like cruising through a people supermarket with a never-ending supply) and that you never have to choose like the commitment resisting and decision dodging amongst us, but removing your options puts you in No Man’s Land. You leave yourself with nowhere to go and as anyone can tell you who has ever sat on the fence of their own life or someone else’s life, that’s a pretty damn uncomfortable place to be in.
You’ll know that there is a BS (bullsh*t) and self-esteem issue when no matter what options are suggested or that you come across, you have an ‘objection’ that essentially keeps you in the same position. “But…. But…. But….” You then feel powerless even though you actually have power. You may even feel hard done by. I have people who are in their 30s, 40s, 50s tell me that they have no choices when it comes to relationships and then I have people in the same age groups tell me or show me that they have choices. What’s the difference? Perspective. Choice. How they feel about themselves, love, and relationships.
When you perceive yourself to have choices even if making some of those choices would mean getting uncomfortable but would ultimately lead to a better position, you’re giving yourself options and helping your self-esteem.
It means having to look beyond the short-term by making decisions that help put you on the path of living your life authentically by respecting your own values and endeavouring to treat you with love, care, trust, and respect each day.
While there are many choices we can make with a ‘goal’ in mind, the choice to treat you well and to keep trying at it doesn’t have a goal or destination in mind – it’s just what you have to do and when you feel consistently good off your own steam, other good things start to happen and your confidence builds, as do your options.
If you keep running you down and telling yourself things that seal off your options it leaves you with no room for a positive outcome and of course that’s only going to remove your hope, which in turn drags down your confidence, which in turn will have you questioning your worth – yep, that’s your self-esteem sliding.
Saying that you have little or no choices is like saying you have little or no power in your own life. If you’re going to, for instance, stay in a relationship, do it because you want to and it’s the positive choice to do so, not because you’re scared of what you might be and do outside of the relationship under your own steam. The funny thing is that when you put some concerted andcontinued effort into truly getting to know and like you, what you do under your own steam can only get better and better.
Your thoughts?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Self esteem – that elusive concept for which a lack of can be the ruin of many. I love Natalie’s articles, although I sometimes disagree with what she says.
Self esteem for me is completely different to self confidence. I am successful in all of my life’s endevours (yes I know I am lucky, but I also work hard and play hard which gives me a fantastic life for which I am grateful and happy for) – with the exception of a close relationship of course – which is why I read Natalie’s thoughts and the responses.
One thing Natalie HASN’T addressed (apologies if she has and I’ve missed it) is how to deal with things when YOU are the assclown? When I read about some of the assclown’s behaviour – I see myself! Emotionally unavailable (too busy having fun with my hobbies, and working hard to pay for them), wanting one thing but saying another (for instance deep down I want committment – a family with children and mutual love support and trust, I would love the fairytale ending of happy ever after… but then I see the stats for divorce, and see my own disaterous realtionship past and think “its not worth the heartache, never mind the financial mess afterwards” – so instead I make out I am an island, a free spirit, committed to no-one but having fun). SO in a way I am the committment phobe and I choose people who are also committment phobes (cos they don’t put pressure on you) – and then it goes wrong for both of us.
Improving self esteem for me is still elusive (3 different counsellors intermittently over 5 years). I now have great insight into my ‘problem’ – for what that is worth. I am my own worst critic, I know that. It is this self critisism in the past that has driven my success with work, hobbies and friends. I have used it to better myself, by viewing my mistakes as lessons. But that technique sure doesnt work for me in relationships. I critisize those I get very close to for things I knew existed before I got close to them! I put the other person down which is not nice…. females can be assclowns too!
I’m at the point where I am thinking “what is the point”? I would be more successful if I gave up my dream of a relationship which leads to a ‘family life’, I would be able to pursue those dreams and fantasies which do not sit side by side with a relationship (sudden travel plans to far flung places to volunteer for instance).
I have been accused in past relationships of being ‘extreme’ or ‘black and white’ – but my friends tell me I am very non judgemental and accepting of others, and good at seeing other points of view. My conclusion? I think I may be a Jeckyl and Hyde – and in which case the world will be a much better place if I pursue my happiness elsewhere and keep clear of relationships.
.. Good work Natalie, please keep writing.
Best wishes
Sandra
Get Mr U and the FBG. Read the part on Miss Independent.
I also enjoy “Getting to Commitment”by Steven Cater. It’s not about persuading someone to marry you with wily tricks or by being a “better” woman/man, it’s aboutthe necessity of taking a risk, realising that commitment IS scary and how to deal with that fear, how to take things slowly and appropriately (without taking an eternity to make up your mind),and about realising that you have a choice in how you behave. You had a part to play in your relationship past and will have a part to play in your relationship future. But hopefully a more positive, mindful part, rather than chasing an EUM around the block.
I’m coming into month three with the man. It’s going well and, yes, it IS scary. There isn’t a happy-ever-after bingo moment. We learn new stuff about each other every week. And I’m sure that we will every year, if it gets to that stage.
A relationship doesnt suddenly descend on you when you meet the “right” man. The two of you build it together. It takes trust, patience, willingess, understanding, wisdom, honesty, truth, flexibility. That’s way more demanding than just texting some bloke or chasing after a playa you see less than once a week. But it’s more rewarding and worthwhile. And, yes, it does come with the built-in demands for change. You may have to give up your single lifestyle, the selfish evenings and weekends, your bacholerette apartment, financial freedom.
Fear of commitment = fear of choosing. YOu can’t choose to have everything. No-one has everything. You have to choose and that means giving stuff up. It goes with the territory.
PS Lots of couples travel together to farflung places. And, to be honest, HOW MUCH time do you actually spend in these places? Is two or three weeks a year worth not having a loving partner for the whole 365 days.
For the record: Fearless made her choice and feels a whole lot better! It’s quite empowering to just take charge of making the decision no matter what the decision is – it’s the making it that’s important. Thanks to BR I am starting to see that it’s the ‘no decision’ that’s the problem as opposed to what the decision should be. Yay.
I texted (for the last time) my ‘one lunch date man’ back with roughly this response: I’m not waiting for anything; ‘there’s nothing for me to be decisive about at this point other than whether to see you for a second date. I had already decided I could do that and I told you so. Twice. Yet there still seems to be an issue, so I am now going to undecide. Too much intensity after just one lunch date and all communicated by text; I’d like to meet a man who prefers to pick up a phone to discuss things if that’s what he wants me to do. Lets’ leave it at that. Wish you good luck etc etc…
It just occurred to me that I’d already told him twice that I would see him again: after the date he texted asking what I think and am I still happy to be on my own (wtf?) I told him I’d be happy to meet him again. He texted asking me to set a time. I texted telling him as he’s less flexible to set a date and that I’d be happy to meet him again but can’t say anything more than that at this point.
What the hell more did he want from me? I mean surely it should just be, I enjoyed our date, do you want to meet up again? Yes I do. Or. No I don’t. Surely that is the only decision to be made at this point, And I made it for him In the affirmative. Twice. Yet he still texted on with his joke: “I used to be indecisive but now I’m not sure. That could be you”. Then another text: “I hope you will spend time with me while you wait for your perfect match to come along”. Jeez.
it’s nice to be nice, but the cynical side of Fearless just decided ‘na, go text someone else with this childish nonsense”.
I think he was trying and genuinely liked me but i also think he was going to be a dreamer and a fast forwarder – he needed to take my first answer and slow the roll – and pick up the phone if he had big “relationship” questions to ask me. it was all about his ego I think. He was fishing for me to tell him something (that he was special?) that I was not remotely ready to tell him or anyone else.
I hope I wasn’t cruel. But I did feel a bit like this: you think want to hear it? And you want to hear it by text msg? Well, here it is then. And we both know that’s not what you wanted to hear. But you asked, so there’s your answer. You could have had your second date set up two days ago but you had to have your ego stroked first. Sorry. Not my job.
Runner
Thanks for your comment (on the previous page) regarding my recent “trouble” (lol!) and what I have learned about my choices and recognising them. Yes, I did learn that I have plenty of choices and if I keep my self esteem in tow and drama meter on low (which I need to work on, I suspect!) I can recognise what these choices actually are and refuse to be rushed and boxed into a corner by some ego-stroke seeking box-o-rocks (lol! Love that one). I am so glad you agree that he was looking for an ego stroke and insulted me when he didn’t get one; it became obvious to me that this was his problem, so I then knew exactly what to do. I don’t think he realised that was what he was doing – he wanted to know that I had really liked him (fallen for him, even!) and I couldn’t tell him that as I didn’t even know him yet! I will take your good advice and am glad to receive it! Am so glad you are learning so much too – you are further along the that curve than me – and you apply your learning with conscious precision (or that at least is your goal); I think I’m still a tad hap-dash haphazard!
I have been meaning to comment also on this; that I was in a position just over a year ago when I felt I had no choices and was trapped in an unhappy situation. I was living with my Mr Unavailable/Mr AC, in his house and in a different country, and didn’t have enough money to strike out on my own. I convinced myself that these circumstances were a trap that meant I couldn’t leave him. But, it wasn’t true, because all it took was for me to make that step off the ‘cliff’ and supportive, fresh new ground formed beneath my feet each step of the way. Yes it was hard – I left him, left my home, left my friends, left the country, left my job, all in one day. Next day I was sleeping on my sister’s couch in another new country, (in London, incidentally) with no job, house, friends, boyfriend, familiar surroundings, or life as I knew it. Yet I built my new life from the ground up and over the last year have experienced greater happiness than I’ve ever known.
Basically, I want to share this because whatever your situation, even if you have to give up your whole life and start a new one in order to cut out an unhealthy relationship, you are never truly trapped and there is always a way out. You can make as many excuses as you want but in the end, the only thing that’s stopping you is your mindset. I’m living proof that life does go on after the great leap in to the unknown. I hope that any and all of you still ‘voluntarily trapped’ in a painful situation will have the courage to make the leap, and be amazed by the kaleidoscope of possibilities that that unfold when you do
Wow wren, that is an incredible story of bravery to me! I am contemplating turning my life completely upside down and have been almost paralysed by fear of change, but I can’t ‘sit on the fence of my life’ for ever, although finally plucking up the courage to make the decision is truly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But hearing how someone else has done it and come out the other side is very inspiring. Thank you for sharing that!
@ Jodi
This is a bit late, just catching up on some older posts here. Boy do I relate BIG TIME to what you wrote! I spent 6 yrs with an EUM, was dicked around all 6 yrs. I’ve been out a couple of years now (left him). I haven’t even had a date! I’m 35 as well, and feel exactly how you feel. I’m scared I’m going to be alone forever and won’t have the things I want so much for myself, particularly marriage. I feel the more I want this, the further I am from attaining it. And everyone around me is committed and if they’re not, they’re at least dating – I haven’t even been able to manage that! I feel like the pickings out there are SO slim! The only guy I’ve met thus far turned out to be a total douche bag and displayed classic signs of being EU. So I relate 100% to how you feel. I don’t think my mind set helps, feeling I’ll be alone forever. However, when you’ve been dicked around in relationships you’re whole life and see these jerks moving on while you struggle to just find a decent date – how are you not supposed to feel frustrated/scared/empty?! Hang in there. You’re not alone. I hope you find what you’re looking for, never settle or compromise your values xo