Following on from part one, here are five more reasons why certain love habits will create problems for you in the virtual playground that is online dating.

6) You don’t ask questions…or if you do, you ignore the answer if it doesn’t suit your agenda

Are you afraid to ask vital questions because you’re worried about what you might hear that might stop you from dining off the fantasy that’s built up in your mind? I mean yes, I know it might be a bit awkward if he says that he’s actually got a wife/girlfriend or that he’s in a long distance relationship but at least you’d know where you stood and that he’s not to be trusted. If you imagine that the early stages are about taking the initial things that attracted you to the person and then going through a process of checks and balances to make sure that your initial impression is correct or that you need to adjust, this is what questions are for. If you leave asking uncomfortable questions until you’re emotionally invested, you’re unlikely to do anything with the information even though you have new ‘evidence’.

7) You believe in fairy tales and rom coms

I actually do know a few people who met and fell in love online. It was several years ago and they’re still going strong, and the key thing that helped is that they got real and kept it real. I know from my own brief foray into online dating that it’s all too easy to create high expectations and build up that sandcastle in the sky, but this is real life. It’s good to feel excited but I realise I was being a bit overzealous in thinking that I was instantly going to meet The Perfect Man â„¢. To be honest, it takes patience, time, persistent and consistent exercising of your judgement and instincts, and keeping your foot in reality. Just like I say that you shouldn’t place all your expectations and desire for happiness on one man, or a man that doesn’t exist yet, you certainly shouldn’t do this for a man online. Slow down and see online dating as another avenue to meet men instead of the great white hope because you’re ‘sick of guys in bars’ or ‘don’t like socialising’, because invariably you’ll probably meet more jackasses than you will decent guys and you will become disheartened or start to find yourself engaging with inappropriate men because you figure it’s all you’ll find.

8) You’re too eager

I once went on a date with a guy who talked about marriage, babies, and moving me back to his home country…all within about thirty minutes of sitting down. It was all too much for me and I thought he was bonkers! You convey the wrong message when you hardly know someone but you get too eager and start talking ‘we’ and like you’re a couple before you’ve met him or worked out if there is genuinely a reason to be thinking that it could be serious. It’s good to show you’re interested but leave a little mystery and be careful of straddling what can sometimes be a thin line between eagerness and desperation because there are people out there who smell it and take advantage because they recognise that you’re more desperate to be loved and in a relationship than you are to actually find a quality partner. Really, you shouldn’t want to talk to someone you just met online a gazillion times a day. It. Is. Too.Much. You will miss vital signals that tell you to pass go and have a great time, or to go back ten paces because there’s a red flag. If you’re too eager and too desperate, you will attract desperate partners.

9) You spend a lot of time in The Justifying Zone

Ever found yourself continuing to date someone, not because you actually like them but because you’ve already snogged them/gone to X base/shagged them/sent a nude pic/had cyber sex? The Justifying Zone is the slippery slope that you go to where you stick around after the event to justify your emotional or sexual investment. You’re then looking for gold where there is copper to give yourself a reason to continue and not feel guilty/bad about whatever you’ve done, when you could just cut off and reduce your ‘exposure’ – it’s a bit like knowing you’ve made a bad financial investment and then continuing to throw money at it because you’d rather your misjudgement was correct even though you just lose more… The Justifying Zone and online dating don’t mix because if you can’t differentiate between fiction and reality, you’ll be making excuses to stick around for something that doesn’t actually exist. You’ll also be making excuses for what are in some instances transient people who just get high off the chase but don’t want to follow through with anything.

And I want to say something here for clarification: A lot of people say they’re looking for a relationship when they’re looking for a shag or another adoring member of their narcissistic harem. You’d think with so many sites out there where you can look specifically for sex, affairs, and whatever else floats your boat that this would be unnecessary, but people have large ego’s and in some cases, a lack of morals. Some people just aren’t comfortable saying ‘I’m looking for an adoring partner that strokes my ego and slips me some sex as I’m not looking to settle down’ and just rely on you to figure it out. You’ve got to be strong and recognise when people are contradicting themselves and avoid being naive about people’s honesty as if saying or typing words on a profile makes it so.

10) You indulge heavily in self-blame and heavy analysis

I’ve often said that part of what makes it difficult to move on after a relationship ends is obsessing over the details and analysing so that you end up finding more things to attempt to blame yourself for and wish that you could have done differently. I’m all for a little introspection if the idea is to move forward and use whatever you discover to empower yourself to make better choices that lead to your happiness. However, heavy introspection doesn’t lead anywhere and you end up becoming trapped in inaction. Without a reasonable amount of self-love, good judgement, instinct, and awareness of stuff like boundaries, you end up internalising the crap behaviour of others. This is why online dating will only throw fat on the fire for some of you because every interaction that doesn’t result in the relationship you want, no matter how small, will be internalised, perceived as rejection, and some sort of confirmation of the negative things you believe about yourself. You might go there thinking that things can be different because it’s the internet and you’ve pinned your hopes on it, but as we all discover at some point, if we don’t address the things that bother us, we can move from relationship to relationship, date to date, bars to clubs to the local hobby cub to online dating, but those problems will still follow us if they remain unresolved.

Your thoughts?

 

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