So it’s good to be back after a nice long break over Christmas and as I looked through comments from various readers, I realised that it’s important to readdress some key points about mentality and attitude, because remember ladies – how we think, feel, and act is often reflected back at us in our relationships!
1. I’ve said it many a time before and no doubt I’ll say it many times again, but as long as you carry negative beliefs about yourself, love, and relationships, or misconceptions about these things, they will be reflected in your relationships.
2. You get the man that reflects how you feel about yourself and if you don’t believe that you deserve to be loved or treated decently, then lo and behold, you will be around men that exacerbate these beliefs and reconfirm the negatives.
3. You cannot impose change upon someone else. We as individuals have no right to demand change from others even if those changes would lead to something better. You don’t date the man you don’t want and try to build him from the ground up to turn him into the man you do want. You can’t decide that just because you think you love them that they must do as you expect. If you were both singing from the same hymn sheet, you’d both be doing what was in the interests of your relationship, not fighting it.
4. Loving someone (or thinking you love them) doesn’t mean ipso facto they love you. We need to get real about our concept of ‘unconditional love’ and loving men we hardly know and who aren’t connected with us. If we’re emotionally unavailable and they’re emotionally unavailable, where exactly is the love because you’re both disconnected!
5. Of course you’re going to feel like sh*t if you refuse to take the hint that’s given to you by a man who mistreats you or has opted out of the relationship and moved on. Clinging to him and the relationship when it’s over and he’s even moved on is like masochism. No, you can’t instantly get over him but your self-esteem grows when you recognise that you’re abusing yourself by pursuing love from someone who repeatedly rejects you, or uses you…and still rejects you anyway.
6. There’s licking your wounds…and there is wallowing. We all have our moment to cry and feel the pain but if all you do is hurl yourself in the pit of misery and say how sh*t everything is, and blame yourself, or analyse him, you will come to a complete and utter halt. Like it or not, life does go on, and the shocking thing is when you stop wallowing and begin to appreciate you and the life you’re given, it’s shocking to realise that you feel better than expected. I’m not saying you can’t be upset but I am saying there is overkill! Set a time limit and then force yourself to start living – go to work, start forcing yourself to cut back on thinking time about him, see your friends – start doing things that make you feel good instead of wallowing in things that make you feel bad.
7. Self-blame, obsessing, and analysis is for those that don’t want to move on. Resolve to either be accountable and make better choices or to stop thinking. The likelihood is that you will choose the former. I can guarantee you, there is zip all to be gained by analysing the crap out every day, minute, and second of your relationship. At some point, you have to admit that it is what it is because your life will pass you by whilst you’re conducting a relationship in your head with the assclown. He in the meantime, is long gone.
8. Do something! Take action! There comes a point when you have to acknowledge that talking and thinking all the time, whether you’re in or out of a relationship, is the trapping of women who want someone else to be responsible for their happiness. Ask yourself if anything has changed as a result of all the previous talking and thinking? Probably not… Ask yourself if you stayed silent and cut the thoughts, whether you’d be any happier in your poor relationship, or whether he would spontaneously combust and change into a better man in a better relationship? Er…no. Stop waiting for others to change or for life to sweep you along, and take control!
9. Don’t let the golden dream of the promised land blind you. If you spend your life waiting for someone to turn into what you want or waiting for your life to become what you’d like based on the actions of others, you will find yourself bitterly disappointed. Live the life you have now – If he wasn’t how you wanted him to be six months ago, a year ago, or whenever, and he’s still not what you want now, why keep betting on potential and refuse to accept what he is and make a decision?
10. If you keep getting the same result from doing the same thing, start doing it differently. As I’ve said before, it makes sense that if you keep throwing yourself into oncoming traffic that you are bound to be hurt when you get run over! Throwing yourself in front of the car a further 20 times isn’t going to change the outcome. If you’re not happy with how things are and you’re being, feeling, and doing much of the same things, it’s time to start being, feeling, and doing something else.
11. When you meet someone and you both engage with each other in a healthy way and he’s not assclown/Mr Unavailable, the relationship grows and gets better over time. It doesn’t come to a grinding halt, go into reverse, or go in fits and starts. Poor relationships often start hot out the gate and fade to cold or lukewarm and then flit through the temperatures. Healthy relationships build. You get to know the person and connect with them over time. You don’t wake up after a a couple of years and suddenly realise you’re on a permanent date or that you don’t even know them.
12. And remember, pain is not love, it’s pain. Don’t get things twisted. That familiar feeling of excitement you think you’re feeling, the surge that you get when drama kicks off, and all that jazz? That’s not lust or love, that’s fear and pain. Relationships whilst they take ‘work’, they don’t take the kind of work that feels like work. When two people are in a relationship with both of them with their feet in, you share the common ground of each other and have each others best interests at heart. You bring out the best in each other, and are yourselves, warts and all, and you grow together rather than grow apart.