Chemistry is that hard-to-put-your-finger-on feeling that we experience (or think we do) with certain people. Some of us chase it or have it at the top of our list, and, unfortunately, it’s a relationship pothole that so many of us walk into time and again. We feel confused when we can’t seem to make the relationship work or when they won’t treat us with love, care, trust and respect. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I explain why we mistake ‘chemistry’ for emotional disturbance and shares tips for breaking the habit to forge healthier relationships.
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Nuggets from the episode
- Chemistry is associated with instability, uncertainty, unpredictability, inconsistency, intensity, extreme highs and lows and blowing hot and cold. It’s mistaken for fear, destabilisation, ambiguity, game-playing, playing hard to get, losing our boundaries, and purely physical attraction even if nothing else works or the person’s behaviour is deplorable, to name but a few.
- We conflate chemistry and attraction with emotional disturbance. It’s as if we think attraction or love is about being triggered and thrown off-balance.
- Healthy connections regulate you, unhealthy ones destabilise. That means if you’re going on about ‘chemistry’ but your life comes off the rails when you think you’re experiencing it, it’s chaos.
Perceived chemistry often becomes a distraction from recognising incompatibility.
- If you pursue chemistry to the exclusion of compatibility, you’re going to find that you’re either not in a relationship at all or that you are only in very chaotic, very painful relationships.
- Chemistry is usually the reason why we don’t ask questions. It might be why we make assumptions, override our intuition, or mark people as ‘safe’ for very questionable reasons. It’s our form of emotional and cognitive laziness.
- We can be attracted to or fall for someone for any reason we want. For the relationship to work, though, and for us to feel fulfilled and experience long-term attraction, we need compatibility. We need to meet our emotional needs.
- Feelings aren’t facts. We’ve got to stop labelling toxic relationships as ‘chemistry’.
- You can enjoy chemistry with someone who’s wrong for you.
- Stable doesn’t equal dull nor does predictable mean stale.
- Who do you tend to experience ‘chemistry’ with? That offers a clue about what the chemistry is about.
Links mentioned
- The Lean Period (ep 137)
- The Landmarks of Healthy Relationships (ep 188)
- The Four Qualities of a Loving Partner (ep 109)
- The 5 Stages of Relationships (ep 123)
- Do You HAVE To Feel Instant Attraction? Why It’s Time To Stop Acting Like You’re A Love Psychic
- The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk
- Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl book
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Natalie, I discovered your blog last month and it’s such a wonderful place. I’m taking my time reading it because the amount of wisdom here takes time to process but I won’t stop until I’ve read it all! I’ve already added your books to my July Amazon order. Thank you so much for your work.
I left my abusive relationship 18 months ago and I have been working on myself since then. I actually smile a lot while reading your older posts because I would come to the same conclusions. Back then when all these bad things were happening to me (I was letting them happen) and many months after I had finally walked away, I never thought I would be sort of grateful for the experience. It triggered this hard self work I’ve been doing since. I’m 33 and I do worry sometimes that it’s too late for me, that I have still so much to do and what if it’s too late for me to have my own family one day… But my life is already so much better and you have a great part in this improvement. I love the healthy, feminine and strong energy of this place. I hope you are very very very proud of your work. Lots of love.
You are so young and have plenty of time the right man is there for you Keep up the good work
I’m so effing sick of everyone telling me to love myself more and date someone with no chemistry or attraction. Why the eff can’t I have both?? Values, commitment, respect AND attraction and chemistry??? I’m sick of forcing myself to date someone great that I’m not even attracted to. This theory is stupid.
‘Poo’, no one is stopping you. You’ve taken what was said in the podcast, that’s if you even listened to it, out of context. ‘Everyone’ isn’t telling you to love yourself, etc. Certainly not here. This isn’t about you. If what I say offends you, jaysus, go live your life. I’m not for you. We’re not compatible. At the end of the day, ‘Poo’, no one is stopping you. Be with whoever the hell you want to be for whatever reasons. It’s your life, your choices, your consequences. If what you’re doing or not doing works for you, who the hell is stopping you? Live your life.
This is lovely, Tru. It definitely isn’t too late for you, and you are more than worth the investment. No, you wouldn’t want to be in that relationship again, but now that you have and it’s forced you to confront certain things so that you won’t be in a variation of it again, then you got what you needed from it. Big hugs to you!
Very timely episode for me as I’ve been trying to date more consciously over the last 6 months. Fell into to the old trap once, but got out of it, picked myself up and still trying.
I’m hoping at some point I start to feel something other than total ambivalence for those who don’t spark the instability chemistry.
I know you can’t predict everyone’s journeys but If you ever revisit this topic I’d find something on positive signs you are on the right track with applying this principle really useful/hopeful!
Thanks again
Hi Monday, If you haven’t already, check out episode 188 about the landmarks of healthy relationships.
Natalie that was amazing taught me so much and why have I been continuing to put up with toxic people and assigning chemistry to label them as safe when they were far from safe. I am going to listen to Landmarks next as he has not any of those qualities you mention I was so engrossed in this podcast it’s has all become so clear why for years I have allowed this person to stay in my life and only now I can seek a mutually fulfilling relationship that i deserve I can list the so called chemistry relationships and can now see that my longer relationship marriage was based on love trust and respect and lasted a lot longer because of that. I have been in NC for months with this ex and was doing so well when he sent flowers on my birthday in May and I assumed it meant something of course it was just another ploy thanks to you I am starting to see what an unhealthy relationship this was based on chemistry in the beginning fireworks and not really knowing his character which is shady to say the least. His lying and skulduggery that back then I put up with as the highs where so great I thought it was love yet now I can see there was no compatibility he did not want a mutually fulfilling relationship just wanted to come and go and cause as you say emotional disturbance in my life twice causing me to move house and now I am considering again which is crazy I can do this NC without moving house. All the things you say are right when I met people where I felt no chemistry it was boring and I didn’t give it the time to progress yet these were people with shared values and who showed respect. I am also interested in something you mentioned about working out something from your family and past with these toxic relationships and I can actually see a link To him and a family member and would like to learn more. Can’t wait to hear more podcasts thanks again Josie
Hi Josie, yes, this definitely doesn’t sound like he’s the love of your life. This sounds like turbulence and catastrophe. It’s like keeping you dangling on a string and seeing how much you will disrupt your life to stroke his ego. Don’t do it!
Wow I didn’t think anyone would even read my comment. I’ve been a loyal BaggageReclaimer since 2016, I think we are compatible actually. My cranky pants comes from the fact that I recently dated the first man that shared the same values as me, but I wasn’t sexually attracted to him as much as I wanted to be. I tried really hard to get there, then ended it. Now I’m deeply bitter that he was my last chance saloon at something healthy and I’ll never get both – which is what I deeply want.
Sorry for the initial snarky comment, I expected it to go into cyberspace and disappear…
As for the original post that my comments are housed under – I just turned 31 and am in the exact same boat as you, only you seem to have the ability to stay hopeful and grateful, while I am definitely a consistent black cloud. I commend you.
Thanks for clarifying, Poo, as it was difficult to gauge the intent of your comment. And I don’t blame you for walking away from that situation as trying to force it feels horrible on both side. But you’re 31, not 101, so your time is so very far from up. In fact, I hear from so many readers and listeners who have parents and grandparents getting their second, third plus wind at love when they are much older than us. You can and will have both, but you can’t if you try to force it with someone you’re not attracted to or if you try to force a relationship with someone you’re attracted to but who isn’t attracted to a relationship. In the end, it takes just one person. I’ve had both with one, and not with plenty of others.