1. Controlling behaviour
Some women mistakenly think that being controlled by their man is totally normal but this is not the case for most women. If you are a woman who has good self esteem and good relationship values then you’ll definitely feel uncomfortable with his controlling behaviour. It is boring to listen to him whine and try and control you because he’s paranoid about your male friends, your female friends and how they may impact on you, or just likes to try and lay down the law about every aspect of your life. It may surprise him that you were actually a fully fledged human being that could eat, sh*t and breathe without him being attached to you.
Suggestions
*If he is actually reasonable, he may not realise how his behaviour is coming across. Tell him that whilst you appreciate his care and concern, when he says or does certain things, it appears that he is inadvertently trying to control you. Don’t go on the accusatory and do tell him that of course when you need his advice you will appreciate and ask for it, but that he needs to trust your decisions about what you do in life.
2. Wandering Penis Syndrome – Cheating
If you’re not bothered by your man checking out someone else’s vagina on your time, you should be. If this is not enough to put your relationship on the skids, you need to get your head checked. Of course relationships recover from cheating but they never get back on an even keel if he thinks that he can get away with it because you won’t do anything anyway. Oh and emotional cheating can be very painful too. What’s even more galling is if he tries to justify his actions or even blames you.
Suggestions
*Dump him
*See a relationship therapist
*Get to the root of why he felt the need to cheat and address it
3. When he won’t prioritise you
Some men just don’t know they’re born and will work very long hours to the exclusion of the relationship or put time with his friends or time for sports, or all of these things and then some above time with their woman. No woman wants to feel like something slotted into a schedule or an afterthought. Cancelled, rescheduled dates and general lack of appreciation of your existence is a major no-no. One of the few priorities that is allowed to shift ahead, but with a balance applied if he wants his relationships to work, is if he has a child from another relationship. At the end of the day, when men put everything and the kitchen sink before the woman in their life, they send a consistent message that she’s not that important to him and that his time is more valuable. Don’t forget your own value!
Suggestions
*Do diplomatically raise the subject with him. Some men really don’t recognise their own bad habits. Tell him you don’t expect him to jack in his job, friends, sports but that he needs to make time for you and factor your existence into his life. He must make time for you otherwise the relationship is pointless.
*Make sure that there is a balance of arrangements made around your schedule and not just his. He will end up having to adjust if you do this or you get to question why everything has to be done on your time.
4. When he loves to criticise
Seriously, who died and made him Mr Know-It-All? This is an element of control but this behaviour also begs the question: If a guy has so much to criticise, why is he going out with his girlfriend? Every person is generally capable of accepting a level of criticism but when a guy is fond of put downs and general negativity, I have to question how healthy the relationship is. Even the most resilient of people can be worn down by constant negativity from someone who claims to care and this can impact greatly on self esteem. You’ll definitely know that he criticises too much if you struggle to remember the last time he gave you a compliment!
Suggestions
*Tell him that whilst like every human being you are open to constructive criticism, you don’t appreciate the negativity and would like to be treated like someone he cares about and respects.
*If he doesn’t appreciate you as you are and feels the need to continue this behaviour, dump his ass before you end up a shadow of your former self.
5. Making no effort
One of men’s big gripes about women in relationships is that they change too much and don’t make as much effort (or so they think). Well surprise, surprise, women don’t like it either. It can be quite a shock to see him turn from hotty into a slob. It’s not about being superficial, it’s about making a bit of an effort.
Suggestions
*Encourage activities that cause him to make an effort. It’s difficult to get him to stop slobbing out if you stay home all the time.
*Make the effort yourself. Hopefully it will galvanise him into action.
6. Being distant or disinterested
Earth to your man! Is he there? We all have our moments where we retreat a little into ourselves but if this becomes a consistent thing, alarm bells should be going off. When men are disinterested or distant it sends the distinct message that well..they’re not interested. Most women in this situation will assume that he has gone off her, that she may have done something wrong, that the relationship is doomed. But it may not be – Some guys can become preoccupied with another issue and instead of discussing it, retreat into their own little world, trying to conquer everything on their own. And some guys can be just plain self-absorbed, making the woman feel that she is solo. This is infuriating because as women, we end up being marginalised in this situation because he is unable to pull himself out of his own bubble or share his problems and issues. Many women burn up a lot of brain power blaming themselves, putting themselves as the source of the problem only for it to turn out to be something totally different, and unrelated!
Suggestions
*Again diplomacy and avoiding confrontation work well for these types of conversation. Some guys just don’t recognise their behaviour for what it is. Explain how you feel his behaviour has been and ask if there is something bothering him (there clearly is) but don’t automatically blame yourself and don’t offer a reason for it – don’t prompt.
*If he isn’t ready to talk or he needs to think about what is the cause, give him space to draw a conclusion, don’t force the issue. Obviously he must address it but even initiating the conversation may be the kick up the arse that he needs. If he does need time, give him a few days, a week even and then reconvene.
* Do emphasise that staying silent about problems and being distant with you sends the wrong impression and causes unnecessary worry. Relationships are about communication! It’s a two way street!
*However, allow for the possibility that you may hear something you may not like!
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Oh…
I wonder sometimes if what I joke about, being more of a ‘girl’ than a ‘boy’, is grounded in a greater degree of truth than I want to consider. (A gal-friend of mine, co-worker, once opined “You’re more a girl than *I* am!!!”)
I read posts like this one, this very instructive, very cogent, very helpful article…and aside from having to make an appointment with a chiropractor due to the excessive head-shaking, I’m wondering ‘Why do women bother?’
Granted, not all men exhibit these tendencies/habits. And yes, a corresponding list could easily be compiled by men, about women. But jeez; so many of you deserve medals for what amounts to ‘babysitting’ or trying to ‘bring up’ the men about which this article was written. I can’t imagine men doing the same, effectively ‘raising’ their relationship partners.
I’ve long held that the biological imperative is ignored when it comes to understanding men and women and how they view relationships differently. (I’m generalizing here. Sue me.) I do believe that ‘many’ men, if given the opportunity, with a guarantee of *never being found out*, would sleep with any woman they fancied. It’s that biological imperative holding sway. And that women- Well, let’s just say that women are far more evolved in this area. That doesn’t make ‘them’ perfect. But when we’re examining the whole ‘relationships’ game, women seem to have a better understanding of what’s required. (I am fully aware of how much I’m indulging in stereotyping, especially about my own sex. But a lifetime’s worth of observing and engaging has granted my opinions a certain amount of cachét. Men are, quite often, distressingly so, boors.)
But then, I’m still searching for my wife.
Ladies have all these same problems! also lotsa women have a need to be raised themselves. half the women that cry about babysitting a man will find they cant handle a real one.
I call it burning the ladder at both ends if they go down the dudes are abusive selfcentered and childish..if they go up the guys are too needy. They dont mention the fact that they too have communication problems from lack of practice and honesty issues that a “good man” can pick up on in a second.
Women are aces at knowing what they want and dunces when it comes to what men want.
Not all men cheat(Im so sick of hearing this)-even though i have a healthy sex drive and i’m as strait as they come i would never cheat on my girl and have turned down many offers from women in the past.However i have been lied to, hurt and cheated on by my share of women for absolutly no good reason-many girls whine about finding a good man, but they don’t always appreciate one when they finally do.
I would caution any woman who thinks her man is controlling, to consider if what she is doing is fair. Yes, he should trust you, but do you deliberately put yourself in questionable situations to manipulate your man’s insecurities? If you do, that in my opinion is Abusive.
For example, my wife started going to another man’s soccer practices and games on a regluar basis… and said I was unreasonably jelous and controlling because I didn’t want her going anymore. I was told she could do anything she liked anytime, and what she did in her spare time was none of my business. What a nice power trip that was. When I asked if I could come to the games and watch too, I was told I couldn’t.
In fairness to her, my reaction was very jelous, but I think I was justified. I told her about my concerns, and she said I was controlling. Going to one soccer game alone to cheer on a friend would be reasonable, but going to every game and practice regularly without me was getting suspicious. After all the only lady I’d ever cheer for was my wife.
Of course she was right in theory, she was always a free person, free to make her own choices, but so was I. She won her argument and her freedom, and now that we are separated she can do anything she likes. Now I date who I like and so can she. Someone who truly loved me wouldn’t have played so many games with my emotions, or blamed me for the pain she was putting me through.