To love someone is to know and understand them. It takes time and experience.
Sometimes, we believe or assume that we know someone (or they know us). Then it becomes patently clear over time that there’s an understanding gap.
Much as we might feel loving feelings towards someone whom we just met or haven’t been with for that long, it’s not love. Even if that same person claims to feel similarly, we must ask ourselves: Does this person truly know and understand me? Or is it they love what they think they know or that they love the best bits?
As humans, we all want to be accepted, and we all fear rejection. When we truly know and understand a person and are open to getting to know and understand them further, we accept that person. It’s not just for who they’ve been and are right now but also for who they might become. Conversely, when we’re willing to know and understand ourselves and to allow ourselves to be seen and heard as part of that process, we accept who we are right now and our past and future selves.
When we pretend to be perfect or stress over why we can’t be perfect for a partner, we are shutting down knowing and understanding and closing down love and acceptance.
When we pretend to be someone we’re not, refuse to know ourselves, or even refuse to reinterpret our previous judgements, we’re also closing down.
The moment that we seek to blend in or appeal to the other party in an effort to be who we imagine would be the ‘right’ person for them, we’ve just blocked love.
When we discard who we are by blending in to be like ‘everyone’ else, we lose our appeal. The partner with whom we can experience a mutually fulfilling relationship with love, care, trust and respect is not looking to be with a face in the crowd. They’re not looking to be with the homogeneous version of girlfriend/boyfriend or spouse. They want to be with us.
If we’re trying to be like ‘everyone’, we’re no one.
We often fear self-knowledge and self-awareness. It’s due to fear of discovering that some of the story security blankets we hold on to are based on faulty premises designed to hide our fear of committing to what we want and need and our responsibilities. We reject the possibility that there’s an even remotely different interpretation of events. This is even if our belief about something or someone represents our understanding from long ago. We refuse to understand the circumstances and conditions that have contributed to who we are today. We beat ourselves up for being “not good enough” to be superhuman. There’s the unrealistic expectation that we ‘should’ have got everything right the first time (or quickly). This is even though we need mistakes to shake out what we don’t know and also to discover who we are through discovering who we’re not.
Avoiding knowing and understanding ourselves is a refusal to overturn our judgment and become more open-minded. We feel safer blaming ourselves or even blaming others, even though we don’t feel happier or more loved for doing so. This blocks growth, as well as love and acceptance.
If we don’t seek to know and understand ourselves and continue to evolve our self-awareness and self-knowledge over time, we can’t love to the degree we expect to give or receive. We can’t give something that we don’t have.
When we know it within, we know it outside.
Of course, if we’re beating ourselves up internally and believing that we’re not lovable because of what we inferred from our childhood experiences, we stick to what we know. It feels more familiar to be around someone who behaves similarly than somebody who contradicts our interpretation.
Empathy and compassion are full-circle actions. If we’re not empathising with ourselves and living with self-compassion we’re not empathising and being compassionate with others. We need to seek to empathise with our past circumstances and conditions. When we do, we no longer beat ourselves up or make false gods out of others by giving them authority over us and our future.
Blaming ourselves for other people’s feelings and behaviour and regarding ourselves as the solution to other people’s problems communicates:
I don’t see you; I see me. I don’t know, understand and love you anywhere near as much as I think. I’m so embroiled in my concept of myself and the fear, guilt and pain of my past that it’s hard for me to recognise that you have a backstory, too.
We have crossed from empathy to over-empathy and gotten lost.
We all want to be accepted, especially by the people who claim to love us. If we cannot trust that they’ll be there as they gain more knowledge and experience of us or we cannot trust that they won’t make our every thought, action and feeling about them, we won’t feel safe. We also won’t trust that this person is legit. We will slip into our destructive patterns that sabotage intimacy, commitment, balance, progression and consistency (the landmarks of healthy relationships). It’s like, Here we go again! Yet again, someone who doesn’t truly see me. Better stick to my pattern.
Patterns happen when we are living unconsciously. We have to wake up to love.
If we’re not seeing ourselves, we’re not seeing others.
Love is an action and mentality, not just a feeling. We can only know the truth and extent of our feelings when supporting them with loving actions and loving thinking. Anything else is just going through the motions and simulating intimacy and love.
Love is a responsibility. There are people who’ll talk a good game without the wherewithal to back up the chit-chat with deeds. We have to be responsible with our yeses and noes because we want to foster a loving relationship with the healthy boundaries it needs. When we are boundaried, we are for us and the relationship. We value our integrity and that of our partner. We also don’t want to assume the worst or rely on untested assumptions in lieu of showing up and dealing.
To love someone is to know and understand them. When we truly strive to love, we also know and understand ourselves a great deal more as part of that process. We are part of a team where their high is ours, and their low is ours, and vice versa. We are not competing or battling. Their growth does not threaten us. We honour the separateness. So we’re a team, but we also know where each of us ends and the other begins.
Ready for love? Be prepared to know and understand you better.
Your thoughts?
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Ladies,
I need advise. I don’t really know how I feel right now. I’ve been in so many emotionally unavailable relationships that i’m afraid i’m going to sabotage something that may be real right now. We’ve been dating 2.5 months and we’ve shared so much together we’re practically in a relationship. We spend almost ever moment together, share responsibilities (bills, the kids etc), I wash his laundry, cook for him…he has met some of my family and friends but I can’t help but bring up the fact I still don’t have the title at every chance I get. I do feel like I can trust him, there is a huge level of consistency, progression, intimacy and respect which is something that lacked in all my previous involvements so why won’t I just go with the flow. He isn’t ready to take that step but he has mentioned that those are his intentions and that we are exclusive and he is just still in the discovery process and still has somethings he needs to discover before he can take that step. He did mention that if this isn’t a comfortable situation for me that he doesn’t want to hold me in a place that’s hurting me…but i’m not hurting… i’m just afraid. I’m happy with him… i’m learning him to… I feel safe around him but… i’m still not his & I feel like I may be putting all this weight on him because of my past dealings.
It just sucks cause it feels like he’s not afraid to lose me when he says things like he doesn’t want to hold me up but he said that he only says that because he is only going to commit when he’s ready but in the meantime he will continue to grow with me and ONLY me and he has proven that. Am I wrong for constantly bringing this up? I know i’m pushing him away but I think of all I have been through and I keep saying that if I push him away that maybe it wasn’t meant to be. I mean… how long do you wait for a commitment when you practically already have it 🙁
Hi there,
I’m certainly no expert in the relationship field, but the first thing that jumped out at me is that at only 2.5 months you are doing his laundry and cooking for him and sharing kid and financial responsibilities. It seems like everything is moving so fast! At least for me, that would be way too fast.
I’m thinking maybe you are trying to hard to win his approval and not stepping back and letting him take the lead and win YOUR approval!
I hope you can relax more in relationships and take more time to look and decide if YOU want to commit to HIM and not the other way around.
Peace and good luck!
I wouldn’t overdo things like laundry etc. before his intentions match yours. Let’s assume he shares your level of involvement. You’re so eager to put a ring on it, it’s like someone gathering all the finest ingredients and painstakingly mixing them up into a fantastic cake batter, then wanting to pull the cake out of the oven 30 minutes early. Stop staring at the oven window with potholders on. You’re making me nervous and I don’t even know you. Let the relationship evolve on its own. Give the man some space to grow. And stop with the laundry and cooking for him. Tell him the free preview is over.
Awesome Karen, good call… Sounds like Cycles, you, are tossing your self before a moving train of emotion … Gear down, stop with the full throttle meshing of married life before your out of even dating time mode. Laundry… Cooking… All that is fine.. IF he does the same and it’s fun… But ‘ chores alone’ ? Careful girl, keep your sparkle for you….in a year you could look back and be glad you were more patient.
Haha! You always make me laugh, Karen. You put into words how I was feeling about this desperate, codependent behaviour.
Cycles,
We always give too much, but if you start to give less now, it will seem as though you are pushing a point, like going on strike. It will also give your guy the excuse to say, “oh, it didn’t work out, see I told you,” or whatnot.
You are committed. He is showing that he is not. He may be committed to you anyway for real deep inside, but he is PURPOSEFULLY not “telling” you that he is committed, which is mean. He is acting committed (with all the family stuff), but knows that you want to hear those words for a title, and he is withholding it from you, like telling a puppy he can go for a walk, then letting him get all excited, watching that crazy euphoria of excitement and NEVER taking the poor poochie for a walk.
Not to compare you to a cute doggie, you are way too beautiful for that. But I had a friend, and they raised dogs, and her husband used to do that to the puppies and it used to break my heart to see them all excited, then he would not take the darn dog for the walk and it would have to live in this state of excitement for DAYS, never getting the satisfaction of the promise of a walk outside, that made the puppy all excited in the first place. Can you even for one minute imagine how mentally exhausting that is, how it drains your emotion out of your life and body, and steals your joy???
Now, lovingly, back to you. Your guy (not “boyfriend” as he is withholding that title) is masochistic as he totally enjoys the quality and value of you as a committed partner, but he controls your emotions, thoughts, soul and life as he won’t just say you are his boo, girlfriend, lady, lady-love, first lady, fiancé, whatever it is you want him to say – he is loving you all pumped up for him as he REFUSES to just say it. I hate him.
This needs to be a life lesson for you, dear heart. This is what I suggest you do. I hope you have a religion-based attitude, I don’t mean to offend if you do not. But try this.
When you go to bed at night, think how much God loves you. That you are never alone, that your needs are met, that God is IN LOVE with you and how beautiful you are with all of your talents. During the day, pray for the peace for your children you take care of, and focus on them with all your heart (little ones can only benefit from this, his or yours). At work focus on your job, or if at home, focus on you being happy in your making the home beautiful and a wonderful place, and focus on making yourself look good for you. Focus on cooking new recipes, laugh with the children in the kitchen each night as you teach them to cook. When you go out, focus on how other people are, ask if the shopkeeper has had a good day, make new friends at the coffee shop etc.
With all of this focusing on others, focusing deeply on being grateful happy for yourself, I can 100% guarantee, you will have no time to worry about this guy you love saying or calling titles. You can keep on loving him, that is fine. But your focus will make you have a truly fulfilling life, it is a guarantee. You will be so fulfilled in your life, you won’t need to ask him to give you a title, you might even forget that conversation. And when that happens that you forget that need to let someone else control you, that glow will be on your face THAT YOU PUT ON YOU! And your guy will positively freak out, as his control and personal soulful influence on you will be diminished, and he will not be able to stop the world wanting to love you back, flirt with you and be near you, as your spirit will be so beautiful it cannot be denied.
Then you can write back and tell us if you care one hoot whether he calls your relationship something or not. Trust me love, it won’t matter. Stay sweet. We love you too.
Cheers! Streamers! Prizes! Yayyyyyy!
On the money!
Adele, wow, what lovely advice you have given Cycles! I am going to try to follow it myself. I am just now going through a demoralizing relationship ending. The puppy example you gave is sadly how things also were with us, figuratively. Thank you for sharing this. And best of luck to you, Cycles, also.
Hi, Cycles,
This is the part that jumped out at me:
“We’ve been dating 2.5 months and we’ve shared so much together we’re practically in a relationship. We spend almost ever moment together, share responsibilities (bills, the kids etc), I wash his laundry, cook for him…he has met some of my family and friends but I can’t help but bring up the fact I still don’t have the title at every chance I get.”
I am happy that you feel you’ve finally found something real with this man, but it seems a little odd to be spending almost every moment with someone you’ve been seeing for less than three months. I have good friends that I’ve known for years who I don’t spend that kind of time with. I know I’m not personally acquainted with your situation besides what you’ve shared here, but it seems awfully fast to be combining bills and childcare duties. Some women don’t even want joint finances after marriage. Do you really know the intimate details of this man’s financial history after dating for less than three months? I’m also concerned that you’ve taken over laundry and cooking duties for this man when you’re not officially in a relationship yet. First of all, he’s a grown ass man. Surely he knows how to pick up after himself. Secondly, why would he be in a rush to give you the girlfriend title when he’s already getting all these perks for free? I hope this doesn’t come off harsh because that’s not my intention. I really hope you find something that’s deserving of you, but I’d slow your roll, at least until he proves that he’s willing to step up to the plate by at least doing the bare minimum of giving you a proper title, if it matters to you, which it should.
That’s what I was thinking, Freedom. It’s so soon. He’s got it made and he knows it and he hasn’t done much of anything but show up. In my experience, they just sit back and enjoy and expect you to give more and more, while they give less and less.
Hi Cycles,
My heart goes out to you my love. More or less the exact thing happened to me with the whole ‘title’ thing, despite him asking me to move in with him and when would I have his baby?! This was all after 2 months too. When I made an innocent comment about us being a couple – I got very firmly put in my place and told I was mistaken! I was so upset (after a previous nightmare relationship and then another partner who unfortunately and very suddenly passed away) and I got told ‘I’m not going to label us to stop you being upset – it will be another 2-4 weeks minimum’. I told him I didn’t want this to carry on if that was his stance on it and it all ended – cue lots and lots of tears, to-ing and fro-ing and a long time spent beating myself up! Lots of if onlys and ‘should I have said anythings!’. There are lots more snippets of the story that were a bit off but its all a bit longwinded! My advice would be to stop before you get more hurt and upset, as they only start making more and more excuses as to why they can’t do this and that, as I very painfully found out. Mine was on a time schedule all of the time and also wouldn’t take me out in his home town due to being ‘private’. Yes me neither?! I really wish you all the luck in the world and hope you get treated like the queen you are no doubt! xxxx
Did you mean to say 2.5 years? If you were sharing bills, doing his washing and cooking for him for two and a half years and thought you’d like to be married, I could certainly understand that… I keep thinking it must be a typo. because otherwise it seems a bit crazy and rushed to me – and this guy gets his maid without having a truly committed, equal relationship. He’s still looking, and you’re driving yourself crazy with your codependent behaviour. Eek!
And who’s kids are we talking about? Are they his children? Which is another reason I thought it must’ve been a typo. I’m a bit confused by this, like someone’s playing a joke on the rest of us…
Cycles, I thought you were talking about marriage, but are you talking about pushing this guy for the girlfriend title? I went out with a guy who did this to me (we were the other way around), and called me his girlfriend when we hardly knew each other, and then proceeded to mess me around with his crazy-making behaviour. I didn’t even like him that much, but I got a bit carried away with his fast-forwarding, and finally realised I was codependent.
So, I started reading books on codependency, that led me to other books, and I finally found this site and read Mr Unavailable. By then, this guy was long gone – I just had to get away from him, and haven’t wanted to date anyone since (that was 2012). Maybe one day, after mountains more work, I’ll want to date someone, or maybe I have a different path to walk. But it’s my choice, and I’m no longer being forced into declaring something I don’t wish to declare.
If you do things for people in order to get something back, then it’s not really giving. You have an agenda, and because you do, he’s able to take advantage of that and can get *his* needs met without any need to fulfil yours.
The thing is – do you even know what your needs are? Do you just want to belong to someone else? Is there a child inside you who is needing the love and attention of a parent? Once you deal with your early childhood issues, your grown and self-fulfilled self will be able to go into an equal partnership with someone they love and respect. By then, you won’t need to push for any kind of title, because you’ll be emotionally mature and available, and that’s the type of man you’ll attract. Good luck to you – there’s a lot of work to be done – inner work, not washing and cooking for someone, trying to buy their love and prove how good a companion you are. Once you really know that you are, you’ll stop trying to prove it…
2.5 months isn’t a long time. I’m a long time veteran of BR and have gone through this experience. What I’ve learned from experiences and educating myself is; be in the moment. If you worry about exclusivity or the future, and that’s where your mind keeps going because of fear, it will surely not happen. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Sometimes, less is more. Meaning, you don’t need to share every ugly, dysfunctional detail of past relationships or how you’ve been abandoned, etc. Be the strong, confident, ‘I’ve got this’ (regardless of the outcome) woman with that attitude and mindset and you won’t need to worry about a man wanting to put a label on you. It will organically happen. If you can handle it, don’t mention ‘where’s this going?’ ‘What are we?’ Nothing puts out the fire of attraction more than those questions (in the beginning, especially). Be confident you’re worthy, and whatever you want, will be. That’s if you still want him after taking the time to learn about him. Enjoy getting to know him above anything else. Enjoy seeing what shows up for you in the process about yourself. See this budding relationship as ‘practice’. This is practice and an opportunity for you to be the awesome ‘you’ that you are.
One more thing; you are not his wife or a maid. STOP doing his laundry. Cook for him on occasion because you truly enjoy it, not because he’ll think you’re so wonderful and the whole cliche’ “the way to a mans heart” BS. The way to a mans heart is you having healthy boundaries, taking care of yourself, knowing you are a valuable, lovable person worthy of receiving all the love and great things life has to offer. KNOW it and own it. You don’t need to ‘do’ laundry, cook, clean, demonstrate how domesticated you are to be worthy of being someone’s girlfriend or wife. That’s coming from a place of weakness, not strength (yet being feminine at the same time).
Thank you so much ladies. This brought tears to my eyes. I feel like my heart can’t take anymore of this uncertainties. I know that it all seems like a lot for someone i’ve o only dated about 3 months. We initially met 8 months ago but we weren’t ready for one another and didn’t officially start dating till 3 months ago.
We started spending more time in my house because of the convenience of it all. He had to move back home with his parents and we both have children from previous relationships. I have mines full-time and going out on dates alone just seems like a task so introduced them both (something I had never done in my past relationships). We don’t share bills in that sense… he helps me around with things such as grocery shopping or house shopping etc. I pay my own bills but he’s hear so often it makes sense that we are splitting on the food and things he is using.
I did cut down on the time we spent together so now he visits every other day & I try as much as possible to get him to organize dates and things which he seems to really suck at. He claims that he doesn’t want to commit and make the same the mistakes he made with his past relationships because he wants this to be a one time deal. But I just don’t understand why we can’t go through the discovery process INSIDE a relationship. If we already talk all day and night, see each other all the time, take our kids out on adventures out of town, share one another burdens, dreams, fears etc…what the hell is a title going to change? He doesn’t understand why I can’t just let things flow ‘organically.’ Says that I am ultimately pushing him away and he is sick and tired of women always chasing ‘titles.’ I trust him and I know that we’re exclusive but i’m scared.
I do enjoy having him around. I feel safe in my haven with him…but there is a lot he can definitely improve on. He’s asked me why all most of the men in my past never committed to me…as though implying something is wrong with me (or at least that’s how i took it). Said I probably want a title so bad because i’ve been single 4 years (since i’ve been with EU men that whole time frame). Sometimes I wonder if I want him because I finally scored…and I finally found someone who gives me the consistency, progression i’ve so desired though we lack the emotional intimacy and I can’t seem to figure out why he’s not into me yet.
Hi Cycles,
Might it be that you don’t know the kind of relationship you want for yourself and you’re using the need for a title as an excuse for him to make that choice for you?
Do you know the kind of relationship you want to be in? if yes, make the choices you need to make otherwise you will end up blaming the other person for something that was in your control all along.
All the best!
I think Sly is right, Cycles – deep down, this is really about you. As Natalie’s book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl tells it so well (run, don’t walk, to buy it!), it takes two to dance this particular tango – and both of you must be fundamentally emotionally unavailable for you to do so. I.e., you are likely to be as emotionally unavailable as the men you’ve been dating – just in your own way.
What would an emotionally AVAILABLE version of yourself do in your situation? As Natalie’s article here says, you’d know that you’re a prize, and why, and that there are men out there who would sacrifice their right arms to call you their girlfriend, to even have a chance of calling themselves your boyfriend. You’d kick to the curb all tepid or flinchy dudes as big wastes of time who need to sort themselves out – on their own time, not yours (read Heather Havrilesky’s Ask Polly column in NYMag for inspiration and awesome insight!). You’d accept nothing NOTHING less than a man who wants always the best for you, who makes your needs and desires his priority, and who admires and respects you as an individual – because that’s what you’d know you deserve. Because YOU ROCK!!!
Any man worth being in a relationship with wants to be with a woman who knows she’s a prize, who knows she rocks and why, and who is so healthily boundaried and self-respecting that she won’t take sh*t from him. Honestly, good men – the really good ones, the ones worth having – love strong women!
If you think that sounds like you need to become a rampant egotist, please read about emotional unavailability and you’ll see how connected it is to low self-esteem. Neil Rosenthal has a good column about this online which I found useful – and therapy was a BIG help for me too. Can you go and see a therapist about all this?
Please stop washing this man’s underpants. In my view, 2.5 months is plenty long enough for him to decide whether or not he wants to be in a relationship with you. You pleading with him is pointless – if he’s not convinced, tell him to get off the runway. You need that runway clear so that the right kind of guy – the one who knows within a few meetings that he’d be lucky (LUCKY, I say!) to be in a relationship with you, who’d never DREAM of letting you do his laundry without asking what he can do FOR YOU in return – can see that you’re free and available. You’ll probably need some therapy to help you get there but it’ll be worth it.
Maybe your guy can become this right man – but you’ll need to show him how. It’s still early enough (and it’s always the right time anyway!) for you to say to him, ‘Listen, I’ve been thinking… Here’s the way I need things to be between us…’ And if he won’t accept that, there’s your answer.
Finally, I should say that absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder. I’d go Low Contact. See him twice a week at the most, talk on the phone twice a week at the most. Be scarce. Be rare. Be special. Because that’s what you are.
Thanks for the heads-up on the column!
Right on the money Squirrel, right on the money.
Funny.. this morning I awoke with a sudden “insight” regarding a question I’ve had re: a disappearing/distancing male friend:
Men.. when it comes to their NOTs:
if they’re NOT calling you their girlfriend, then you’re not their girlfriend;
if they’re NOT being close to you, then they don’t want you to be close;
if they’re NOT letting you in, then they don’t want you in;
if they’re keeping you away, then they want you away.
and.. when they are saying YES to something.. make sure their words and deeds match up to the YES.
Hey Cycles,
I know you’ve fallen into this routine whereby you see each other daily and do things that most would consider to be typical couple/family stuff, but I feel like you’re letting this cloud your judgement slightly.
Personally, I’d be concerned if a guy I was dating / virtually cohabiting with, was hesitant to call me as his. I appreciate what he’s saying about needing to arrive at that decision in his own time, but if that’s the case, he shouldn’t be getting any more ‘hubby’ treatment until he’s made a solid commitment. It does seem as though he’s enjoying the benefits of this relationship without actually specifying what his role is in it. I know he contributes to food and household stuff, but is it really for your benefit? Or is it his way of ensuring that you continue to provide these services for him? I mean, he’s back home living with his parents (which sucks, I’ve been there), I can only assume that your house provides a refuge, somewhere for him to chill away from his folks, and be taken care of by his…
I’d revoke all clothes washing and cooking privileges immediately, and apply some strict boundaries to your fledgling relationship. For e.g. permit him to visit your house 1 x per week instead of daily, allow him to organise date day/night at least 1-2 x per week, do more activities outside of the house involving both your kids. The bottom line is, if he feels you’re still in discovery phase, then he should be willing to court you appropriately – which means no more getting comfy in your home! If he really does respect you and has genuine feelings for you, then this shouldn’t be an issue for him.
You also state “there is a lot he can definitely improve on…” – in that case, please stop rewarding him with boyfriend privileges! It’s time to take things back to square one: set some ground rules/boundaries moving forward, and work on building the kind of relationship that satisfies your needs too. Nobody’s perfect, but it’s way too early for him to be getting complacent. He might need a little wake-up call.
“He claims he doesn’t want to commit…” and what ever follows after that is irrevelant. Using the word “claims” is your Truth Leak, Cycles. You’re gonna make him love you one way or another (and get yo butt royally burned in the process) and my sense is you’re the one who has fast-forwarded this relationship.
Let’s rephrase that: “He stated/straight up told me/declared etc. he doesn’t want to commit….” Quite a difference, eh? That is called a Boundary. There it is. Does he have to hire a plane towing a banner to get that Boundary across?!
Nothing is more unattractive whether it emanates from animal, vegetable or fruit than desperation. All the time you’re spending trying to force a square peg into a round hole is time you could have spent getting to know yourself and learning the lessons from your previous relationship(s). Self-knowledge includes the ability to identify your own frailties and shore them up. Ultimately, the goal is to find a partner who is seeking the same objectives as you are, who shares similar values, interests etc. In the meantime, metaphorically choking off someone else’s oxygen supply in a relationship no matter how well intended results in their frantic attempts to escape death. If you’re too busy trying to make someone who you want them to be by talking at them, about them etc. while looking the other way and they’re blue around the lips and face isn’t an indicator of “unavailability” so much as uhh….inattentiveness.
This is not your man, Cycles. That doesn’t mean no one will be, ‘K? I’ve never seen a doormat morph into an eagle. Step One: Get up off the floor, Cycles.
You’ve been down this road before and it might feel familiar but the same old potholes are still waiting for you to fall in. Time to try a different route.
Good luck.
TW
OMG yes!
Cycles, I urge you to a step back, breathe, and regroup. You could be repeating old relationship patterns, then again, maybe you’re not. It is too soon to tell, so take a minute.
I think the fear of the repeat cycle often clouds our judgement as much as crazy-making behavior by other people do. And most importantly, often the fear we experience of new relationships and what is and isn’t happening in them is not so much about fearing the other person is a dud, it’s about not trusting OURSELVES to do the right thing when things don’t seem quite right. Once we can completely trust ourselves, we can also relax about what other people do or don’t do – we know we’ll see it for what it is when things happen.
It seems that we are working so hard on our own boundaries it’s sometimes easy to forget that other people have them too. It’s his right to say he wants to be exclusive and live within in a relationship, but has some issues and fears surrounding “titles.” I think that’s actually not so uncommon – after 2.5 months of dating, paired with bad relationship experiences, it’s not completely nuts to want to take it really slow on the commitment front. He has a boundary and it’s okay, we’re all trying – just what that means to you and your relationship, nobody can say. At least not yet. Essentially what I’m saying is, there is no sense in trying to paint this man a villain who is up to no good. All we know is he has a boundary about titles for the moment, he has every right to have it, and is taking what you’re offering in the relationship while respecting his own boundaries. Nothing wrong with that.
Flip side of the story is – you have boundaries too. Can you pinpoint what they are? Perhaps they are that you actually don’t want to be intimate with someone, wash their clothes, and share responsibilities with someone who doesn’t call you his “girlfriend.” Maybe you weren’t aware of that boundary before, but now you are, and the weird feeling you have is not so much about what his boundary means for your future, but more about you going along with certain relationship markers while not receiving what you need (a commitment in shape of a title, etc.). In other words, crossing your own boundaries.
The hardest part to digest about a situation like that is that it’s not his fault you have crossed them. It doesn’t mean he is up to no good, taking advantage of you, or is otherwise doing something wrong. In his eyes you were and still are a willing participant, and for all he knows washing clothes, sharing finances is a-ok with you even without the title. (And vocalizing the fact that it’s not doesn’t count. If it really were an untenable situation for you, he could argue, you’d not be doing it.)
People above have said it, so I don’t have to press the issue. But a reasonable reaction to realizing that we are crossing our own boundaries is calibrating our own behavior. You don’t have to tell him you will stop washing his clothes b/c xyz, you can just stop doing it, delegating it to him, or any other solution that makes you feel you’re living more in the reality of the status of this relationship. Same for other things you are doing in the relationship where you feel you might be giving a disproportionate amount. I think after 2.5 months of washing clothes, it’s not odd for the situation to change and you just not “being able to do it” for whatever reason – if a conversation arises, simply saying “You know, it seems a bit odd for me do be doing all these chores after just 2.5 months of dating. Let’s take it a bit slower, hun, ok?” His reaction to that would be interesting.
We don’t always have to vocalize our boundaries. Sometimes that’s even quite counterproductive, I’ve found. What matters is respecting his boundaries (i.e. not trying to convince or coax him,) and absolutely respecting yours (e.g. acting in proportion to where the relationship objectively stands,) which is a much safer, saner, and fair situation for you whether or not he is in it for the long haul or not.
I hope any of this makes sense…
Thank you all for being my God sent invisible angels. I don’t have real friends really…so talking to anyone about this is a struggle.
All, your words really resonated. Brought tears to my eyes yet again. I’ve been here so often, brought myself to healing, got most if not all of Natalie’s books and the cycle just keeps on repeating itself over and over and over again. But like I said… I finally get a breath of fresh air because I met someone so different it ‘feels’ like.
HOJAY: I can’t justify my situation anymore than I have. Gosh, you’re words hit deep. This is why I chose to remain still because I chose to understand and respect his boundaries but learn to do the same about my own. What happened is he started coming over and spending the night so frequently that i became overwhelmed. On the weekends he has his child, his child was with us and mines to. So here I am, cooking for all of then, using my car to go out on so-called dates and to take them on activities (out of state even) because he doesn’t have a great car, washing laundry, sleeping with him, cooking him breakfast before he left early for work the next day and I found myself starting to resent him.
I did all these things because I wanted to and for whatever reason, as soon as I found out that he wasn’t ready to take that next step towards a committed bonafide relationship with me, I didn’t have the energy to do so anymore. So I had the conversation with him…told him his child had to come around less, said that we would have to see each other less during the week, stated that I needed us to put together activities OUTSIDE the house, told him that I needed him to step up and be a gentlemen (i.e. open doors, take out the trash, compliment me…) It felt weird and he didn’t take all this well at first because that’s what selfish people do.
He felt like we were back tracking instead of progressing in the relationships by me suddenly putting a halt to most of the things I was already doing without a title. He said that cooking for him, or washing his laundry or sexing him is not a determining factor for him and it is something that he has to see on his own without any effort on my part which he is very right about.
But it feels like I bring this up with him every week cause every week something reminds me that I am still single. For example, a few days ago he mentioned that he now has to factor me in to his decisions because I am now a part of his life. He mentioned that he can no longer go out with his friends etc without checking in with me first to make sure it’s okay and we didn’t have anything planned. I assumed this meant we were together…so I asked if we were and he said that’s not what he meant and at this point he shut down saying that he is tired of me bringing this up every week and not understanding why I can’t just see that he is moving TOWARDS that direction.
He has so many great qualities and yes, there are chances he may be helping me with grocery shopping because he eats the groceries and uses the laundry detergent. He could be at my place so often because it is so much better than being at his mothers knowing he is almost 40. Chances are, I could just be his leeway right now and who knows what will happen when he is back on his feet again and ready to get his own place. We didn’t spend my child’s birthday together because I just don’t feel like i want to introduce him to my immediate family as a “friend.” He couldn’t understand that. I asked him if we would spend the holidays together and he said he wasn’t sure and I can’t understand how I can spend every moment with this man but when it’s a birthday or holiday season we are apart. These are the things that remind me i’m still single and it hurts.
I just don’t know how much time to wait? How to stop bringing this up and feeling bad about it. I’m so fearful because I know how these stories end… i’ve been here enough times…but something in me that i’ve never felt before tells me this time will be different. Nobody’s perfect… but i’ve also let myself down before. I’m just so lost 🙁
Cycle, it’s okay, you don’t have to justify staying in the situation. It’s so tricky (and so understandable!) because you trusted, as you should, and are now confused and disappointed by what your involvement and “benefit of the doubt” has given you in return.
Knowing a bit more about the situation and his actual reaction to you expressing your needs, feelings, and thoughts, it seems like this entire “relationship” is happening on his terms. It takes a minute to realize what’s happening and it can happen to all of us. It seems like you’re awakening to the reality of the situation, which doesn’t mean you’re repeating, it means you’re in the process of learning, observing, and breaking the cycle. It’s a great place to be in!
I can see how you feel stuck between wanting to get your needs met and thinking you should be more patient. However, a much larger problem than him not being able to commit with a title is the fact that he has been trying to negotiate, strong arm, and confuse you about your needs. If he respected your boundaries (as any grown man should,) he would have taken a large step back once you said you want to tone things down a bit. Part of being a grown up means understanding that our shortcomings and boundaries will cause other people to behave in certain ways as well (and that we maybe won’t get what we need from them, e.g. having our laundry done, etc.) To act and ask for whatever we want to and expect others to go along without question is something only teenagers do.
Just like you respect his boundary around titles (by giving him time and a lot of benefit of the doubt,) he should respect your boundary around how much you can give given HIS boundary. Him essentially making you feel bad about your needs is manipulative and the biggest red flag of them all.
There is a tendency to see our needs and values as “lesser than” our partners. It’s easy to second guess and waver. It takes real confidence, real self-respect and commitment to our own worth as a human being to stand up for ourselves when someone tries to talk us out of our own truth.
You are a loving, caring, and giving woman – you should be proud of that. However, the more loving, caring, and giving we are the MORE we have to make sure the CONDITIONS for our loving, caring, and giving are being met. There is no such thing as unconditional love in romantic relationships (that’s reserved for our children only.) If a partner does not fulfill our conditions, we won’t fulfill theirs either. It’s that simple.
On a practical level: don’t bring it up anymore, stop discussing and negotiation your boundaries. LIVE them. Stop having him over, stop being the nanny, house cleaner, and more. Stop giving to a relationship that isn’t a relationship because it isn’t one to YOU, regardless of the carrots he dangles in front of you. Don’t do all this to coax him into finally committing. Boundaries don’t exist to make others act in certain ways. They are promises we make to OURSELVES that when certain things happen or don’t happen we will react accordingly and in our best interest. I know you’re on your way!
Really thoughtful and great advice.
I have a similar pattern, Cycles and have been looking into emotional dependence. In my research it was suggested that Al-Anon is a great program to help with this pattern and get the emotional support and tools needed to break this hurtful and destructive pattern/habit of relating.
I wish you well.
BRAVO Hojay!
*slow hand claps with gusto
Couldn’t agree with you more.
Cycles, if it makes you feel somewhat better, I’m currently having to reinforce my boundaries with my current squeeze as he seems to think that it’s OK to prioritise his work over spending time with me, which is having an impact on our fledgling (3 month) romance. Although we talk multiple times daily, I haven’t seen him in over one week now, and this is highly unusual for him. He hasn’t taken me out, or offered to do so in over a month owing to working day/night/weekend shifts. I was getting more and more frustrated by it, so I had to calmly inform him that if this is how he intends for things to continue moving forward, he’ll be doing so alone.
I also posed the question to him that if he can’t make/find time for me in his life, then perhaps he’s not ready for a relationship?
He could tell from my voice that I wasn’t messing with him… He attempted to justify his absence with the work excuse (which I know is true and I have no reason to believe otherwise as he’s always been so open about his movements, who he’s with, where he’s going, etc), but I told him that this isn’t gonna wash with me – especially after things started off so well. He later admitted that I was right, and then apologised for not putting in the effort lately. He said he didn’t mean to be so absent lately – but he really needs the money hence why he’s working all these crazy hours. He agreed that he needs to step his game up, so he dropped a few shifts and is planning something for us to do over the weekend.
There is a lot to be said for standing your ground Cycles! As much as it would’ve burned me to walk away from a man that I care about and love spending time with, I was fully prepared to do so if his response to my concerns wasn’t positive. This certainly doesn’t mean the problem is resolved now. I’ll be keeping my beady eye on the situation and making sure he maintains consistency in that area. The moment things start slipping again, I won’t even bother to inform him that the relationship is over – I’ll be gone. Harsh? Maybe. But I’ve spent years of my life trying to talk/negotiate/explain why I should be treated better, and the truth is, we shouldn’t have to.
Rachel, good job on standing up for yourself. I think we assume that the our partners know where they fault but most times they don’t or they do and try to see how much they can get away with.
Wow thank you so much ladies. I’m done talking to. It’s time to reinforce and it’s starting to feel like a sense of freedom. I shouldn’t be cooking and cleaning for someone and feeling bad about it…and I definitely gotta stop treating this like it’s a relationship when it certainly isn’t.
Hojay, I don’t know who you are but i’d love to email you every now and then. You’re insight has really helped me and I truly appreciate you for that.
Rachel, “But I’ve spent years of my life trying to talk/negotiate/explain why I should be treated better, and the truth is, we shouldn’t have to.”
YES. My thoughts exactly. Couldn’t have said it any better. And great boundary work there with your SO, too. Takes so much strength to see these situations for what they are, react firmly but fairly, and not lose one’s marbles in the process. Much to learn from you!
I’m just really glad the advice and support is helping, Cycle. It’s helping me too, believe it or not, to read your and so many others’ stories and reflect on my own belief systems and hangups. Sometimes things are just so much easier to spot when looking in from the outside. I see myself in much of what you say, your conflict really resonates, and the struggle is really no joke. You and everyone here are a great mirror, and it’s teaching me so much. I can’t really put my email out on a public forum like this, but I’m really looking forward to meeting you in the comment section again! 🙂
Hojay – I’m so glad you’re able to take away some valuable advice, support and guidance from the website/forum. Cycles, I hope you also leave here feeling empowered too. Anytime, you feel your resolve weakening or need an outside view to help give you perspective, we’ll ALL be here for you.
I cannot begin to explain how much Nat and our friends on this forum have helped me over the last 4-5 years. I went from:
Sick (Lupus)
Overweight
Depressed
Insecure
Suicidal
Hopeless
Anxious – daily panic attacks
To being:
Confident
Fit and healthy
Happy (for the most part)
Achieving goals
Lupus controlled
No anxiety
Date without desperation
More forgiving to myself
Enjoying my life
Not only have I saved myself a small fortune in therapy by coming here, I’m also able to share my journey with newcomers and let them know that things CAN and WILL get better once you make the decision to truly love yourself first and foremost.
If I can turn things around, anyone can. 🙂
Cycles, I think you absolutely have done the right thing – this man had his needs well and truly covered, between you and his mum, his feet were well and truly under your table so he’s bound to say you’re backtracking. But, even though HE CAN SEE that for all intents and purposes he is in a relationship with you (he realised he factors you in to his plans) he is STILL not ready to label it as such, until HE decides it’s the right time, or it feels right, or whennever. I think you might always feel dangled on a string for what you want, particularly as you mention he needs to ‘be a gentleman’ by opening doors, etc. That sort of thing is either in them or it isn’t. If being a gentleman is an important trait to you, you should put a stop to this one and find someone who has it in-built already x
Are you listening to what you just said about this guy? He is in effect blaming you for everything and he has no responsibility. He is chipping away at your self-esteem, and you don’t even see it. I don’t think he is a safe haven at all. He could easily give you the title of girlfriend, but he would rather be lazy about it and string you along.
If you want to be sure, take some time off and see what happens. He doesn’t sound like he cares all that much. Because when a guy wants to impress a woman, he is trying so hard, it is adorable. He doesn’t give a darn, and has every excuse in the world for not doing, or being a better man for you.
I know you are in love with him, and the kids are wrapped up in it too. But he may be a user type, just be careful.
I wasn’t even done reading your entire post, because I couldn’t get my thoughts typed out fast enough; it goes how YOU say it goes. You’re “trying” to get him to plan dates? Huh? Baby, if he’s a man, let him be one, sit your pretty, busy single-parent, bum down, let him take the lead and let him show YOU if he’s worthy of dating you. You are making it WAY too easy for him, that’s why he’s not “trying”. You are the busy single parent while he’s living at mama’s house..? And you’re taking the lead? Do want this man, or just ‘somebody’?
Where there’s one, there’s another around the corner, and the next corner, and so on… So, do yourself a favor and relax, put your feet up, and allow him to show you if ‘HE’s’ worthy of YOU, not the other way around. If seeing him one night a week works better for you because you have parental responsibilities, SAY it and stick to it. If seeing him one weekend night works best for you, SAY it. Be firm, be clear. Those are your ‘healthy’ boundaries. Any worthy man will respect you even more for it.
You are worthy of being treated well, we all forget this because most of us are so used to being treated poorly, and accepting it. And don’t feel bad for receiving nice gestures from men. Umm… Hello! That’s how it’s supposed to be! Put your crown on, and own it! It’s not being a bitch, or anything else. You deserve nothing but love, respect and sweetness from a man, and consistency. Just sit back, receive, be receptive, and take care of yourself and your responsibilities. That’s all you need to worry about. 🙂
Because it’s not about the ‘men’, it’s really about you. Doesn’t seem like you’re paying attention to the mutual interactions within the relationship, rather, you just want the end goal; to be a ‘girlfriend’ or a wife. There’s nothing wrong with that, but what’s the point if you’re not in it to really get to know the other person and appreciate who they are (and appreciate yourself, too). It’s about working as a Team, communication, love, respect and appreciation.
As I’m responding to a lot of these posts, I’m noticing a common thing; ya’ll are making it SO easy for these men. I can’t even believe it. I’m literally like ???? Reading these posts.
Boundaries are doing what works best for YOU. Because however you need to conduct your life, your responsibilities, your well-being, is what is healthy for you. You don’t need to justify, explain or deviate from it. It’s what makes you happy and what makes your life easier for YOU. Living your life any other way, or in a way that doesn’t work for you, is compromising your self esteem, confidence and respect for yourself and giving away your power.
Demke, I wish I could’ve been more headstrong like you from the get go, but sadly it took me a good while to get to a place where I can say I’m putting myself first and making decisions that best serve my needs. Many of us readers/contributors to this forum are coming from situations where we don’t know what ‘good’ looks like in terms of relationships (romantic and other), so we find ourselves making mistakes as we stumble along.
Undoing lifelong habits, learning to love oneself and addressing childhood traumas takes time, care, dedication and a consistent effort. Whilst, I appreciative you’re just speaking freely and trying to empower us ladies, please be mindful with your choice of words, which came come across a bit judgmental, in my opinion.
If changing unhealthy relationship patterns was as easy as flicking a light-switch, none of us would be here now – seeking help, guidance and support from Natalie and this forum. We’re all here trying to do and be better in our own ways, so comments such as “…ya’ll are making it SO easy for these men…” are unnecessary. It’s like having a overcritical parent telling you for the umpteenth time how “useless” you are, when you’re already feeling insecure and worthless as it is.
Let’s continue to support, encourage, uplift and inspire each other. 🙂
I love this post, and everything resonates so true with where I am right now. I am finally noticing that other people see me, and it’s because I finally see me, and truly have a degree of self love! Also, the man who is training me at work (I am a bedside nurse), will actually call me out in areas where I am not being loving and kind to me (even though I am not sure if this is conscious on his part). For example, he actually told me to walk beside him, and not behind him. He said he would slow down to walk beside me, and that I would slow down to remain behind him. This is something that seems small, but packed a lot of power with me!
In my previous relationship, which was emotionally abusive, I was always having to play it small. Along comes a man who literally says, “get up here!” While this situation is platonic, I am so thankful for this being the first man I have spent a significant amount of time since that horribly abusive situation. He respects women, is not threatened by my boldness, and actually has some depth about him. I am constantly being challenged to love and understand something about more about myself, or others while working with this person, and in a good way! Also, in his feedback comments, he has described me as, “calm, confident, and present” and “very empathetic, caring deeply for those she cares for”.
I literally came home and cried tears of joy because I was so thankful that I could finally see myself, and that others could too. I finally have faith that I will recognize a healthy relationship when it comes my way because of all the work I have done to overcome many painful circumstances. Honestly, I have feared “getting back out there” and repeating the same mistakes.
I am so thankful for all of your books, blog posts, and podcasts throughout my journey! Thank you for this beautiful post!
This is probably the wrong time to tell a story but I want to, because this story reminds me of my youthful dating experiences.
My mom said, “Honey, remember, he won’t buy the cow if you give away the milk.”
I replied, “What makes you think the cow’s for sale? “Besides, why buy the bull when I can ride the horns for free?”
Love it!!!
Another one….. why buy the pig when you just want a little sausage 😉