I have been involved with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. We have recently become long distance, but were in the same city for a year and a half. He has rage issues. He gets mad at the smallest of things and if he does, watch out. I’ll give you an example:
We went on a cruise together and on the cruise, one day I wanted to walk around the ship and he wanted to bum around the room, so I told him I was going to go walk around because I was bored. He got SO MAD. Saying I was calling him boring and how dare I? He basically would not let me leave the room, locked it behind me, and then ended up punching the CEMENT wall behind me and called me a bitch.
His anger is never proportionate to the event he claims made him mad. He has punched a wall two other times in my apartment. I have been told that signs of property abuse can often translate into physical abuse later. While I am not physically intimidated by him (he is much smaller than me in size( i.e 5’7 and 120 lbs), the anger befuddles me. He also engages in calling me explitives. He will say “F*ck you,” “F*ck this,” and just use words this like to me when he is mad. His explanation is that I make him mad and if I did not make him mad, he would not need to yell. I am a mature 24 year old woman and I do not seem to buy that I can “make” someone so mad and cause anger that is beyond an individual’s ability to control, especially when the situations that seem to set him off are trivial. I am a very patient person, but my patience is running thin and I feel like he is having some sort of effect on my emotional well-being. Please help!
NML says: This guy is out of control. You are recognising the red flag behaviour – disproportionate anger, verbally abusive, uncontrolled, displaying violence – but you’re not doing anything with your knowledge.
This is one of the fundamental traps that we fall into as women – we look for reasons to stay and we look for reasons to absolve them of their bad behaviour. Don’t try to make a silk purse out of a pigs ear…
Saying that you want to go for a walk because you’re bored does not translate to ‘You’re boring’. Talk about making himself the centre of the universe! I think he also suffers with a bit of Short Man Syndrome – He feels that he doesn’t look physically intimidating so he flexes his muscles and mouth in other ways to compensate.
When a man, when anyone in fact, displays disproportionate anger and is abusive whether that is physically or verbally, it is a massive red flag that says that it is time to get out. This is not the type of behaviour that you can fix and it deals a fatal blow to your relationship. His behaviour is highly disrespectful, aggressive, and an attack on your self-esteem and character. You don’t ‘make’ him mad – he chooses to respond to you by getting mad – he could always choose another route…
You are worried that he is having some sort of effect on your self-esteem – you’re right, he is. The fact that you are still there despite his disgusting behaviour speaks volumes. The difference between a woman that sticks around for a mans abusive behaviour and the one that doesn’t is a level of self-esteem and self-awareness. At some point this guy has affected you enough that you have made enough allowances for his behaviour to stick around.
I don’t doubt that you are mature but you need to put that to good use and walk away before he turns his punchbag activity onto you. This man needs to grow up and get a life…but not on your time. You are always better than a man that behaves in this way and don’t sell yourself short to a man who can’t control his anger and display positive character traits towards you.
RUN, RUN, RUN!!!!
For goodness sake, honey, walk away.
I understand NML’s focus on anger. What hits my trigger, though, is the disrespect. The massive disrespect he is showing to you. Disrespect always gets worse until someone gets hurt, unless you deal with it. Kids, horses, co-workers, partners. Respect is required for a relationship to be healthy.
Unless you are accustomed to bar room brawls (being involved in the thick of things, and winning (whatever that means) at least 1/3 of the time, I doubt you will find a way to correct anything with this guy. In a horse herd the lead mare will kick the snot out of an uppity youngster, and assure that the lesson need not be repeated. And that sounds to me like the only way to bring your boyfriend into line. So unless you are skilled enough and trained enough to soundly beat the crap out of him, the first time you try – leave him for other life’s lessons to bring around.
In the mean time you are making him worse, by enabling his anti-social behavior. Disrespect is a problem, if you aren’t fixing it you are allowing him to continue and get worse. Just like buying drugs or alcohol for an addict, you provide the opportunity and excuse for his addictive behavior. And I agree you *will* get hurt.
You mentioned how his anger isn’t directly related to his ‘reasons’ – disconnects from reality like this often require help from a mental health professional. This is not something a lay person, nor a family member or girlfriend should get involved with. Treating your boyfriend might help the mental problems, but would create another kind of corrupt and abuse-prone relationship.
Bet with the odds. You won’t change him. And you have to leave him to protect yourself. Funny how this topic complements Annie’s post on Smart At Love, ‘Are you ready to change yourself – not him?’
http://smartatlove.typepad.com/annieweblog/2007/09/ready-to-change.html
Time to go, girl! Behavior like that only gets worse, not better. Get away before you get seriously hurt, and give yourself the chance to find someone who is worth your time.
I wanted to ask you to give your readers a peice of advice that will greatly increase their chances of end up with “nice guys” rather then assholes.
Become pro-active. You know the guys that don’t hit on you, The ones that are “beta males”. The ones that you aren’t sexually attracted to at first.
Well big surprise(sarcasm), they are the ones that will treat a girl the best. You sit around in clubs waiting to get appraoched by a guy then think that he actually wants a long term relationship? Fat chance if he has the smooth moves wise up, if you want to be sexually satsified, and we all do sometimes, thats who you go with for a one nighter. If you are looking for someone to treat you emotionally well try talking to the shy guy, he will probably blow your mind in bed once you get in the groove with him anyway.
The same traits that unconciosuly make you attracted to the arseholes are the reason why they don’t make good partners.
Tell your readers to wise the fuck up, get into some new age stuff, I know this because i used to be the nice guy, and in order to get girls to give me the time of day i had to start acting like the Alpha male arsehole.
I have a boyfriend like that too. He is so verbally abusive. It hurts. He called me stupid, sick, fucked and all other very derogatory words. I will walk away. I have made my decision.
Thanks Brad K, the only problem is, I am in a foreign country with this guy, no friends. I only arrived here about a month ago. I have a return ticket for March. but I think I will change it. I can’t stand this guy, I am a very well known person back home and when the media picks this up, I am so screwed. But I will rather go back home and face the people, than stay here and pretend I am happy.
Anonymous,
You need friends. Separating, even when things are bad, takes support. People experienced with the grief, the separation, the doubts, the denial and anger – people that can help guide you through the adjustment to a new life.
Allow for the responses and ways you have learned to survive in a bad environment. And keep friends around to help remind you there are other ways, better ways. Pastors, counselors, women’s shelters can be a big help in understanding the adjustments you face. And maybe help keep you safe as you move on with your life.
Blessed be.
Anonymous, Abuse is awful no matter who is hurt. I hope you find a more peaceful solution.
Pairing up for business reasons, or to share expenses, you still have the option – start with someone of good character. See them being good with children and small animals, see them getting along with your friends, their friends and family. Get to know them before getting intimate or making a commitment.
And keep in touch with friends. Email, text messages, phone, and even *gasp* actual snail-mail letters can tide you over even when you are traveling.
Blessed be!