I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and we have been living together for 8 months. He has a close friend who is a women, and she is divorcing her husband who beat and raped her for 5 years. The problem is my boyfriend stays round her house on a Friday night because the husband picks up his son in the morning and he starts throwing abuse if my boyfriend is not there. The thing is, it has been going on for 6 months now and the other woman doesn’t like me for a reason I’m not sure of. She won’t let me come round and my boyfriend is not helping. I’m really confused and think that maybe something is going on between my boyfriend and this woman. I have confronted him about this and he says he’s not cheating on me, but in a way I think he gets too defensive. He is 7 years older than me and has had 2 serious relationships before and this is my first. Am I over-reacting? Am I being naive? I need help please!

For a start, there is nothing wrong with him helping a friend, if that’s all he’s doing. In light of what she has been through, you have to extend some compassion, as a woman who has been systematically mistreated in this manner is bound to have a lot of issues and difficulties. With them being close friends, it means that she is reliant on him, especially since he has taken up the role of Knight in Shining Armour.

That said, like many a man that can’t multi-task to save his life, your boyfriend doesn’t sound like he is able to attend to both of your needs without sidelining you. Considering that you’ve been together for a year and have been living together for 8 of those, you’d think he could find it within himself to nurture your relationship. I am sure that you are not asking him to forget about his friend, but the biggest thing that I have to question about this situation, is this: If the kid needs to be collected every Saturday morning, why does he need to stay over every Friday night?

Next question: Considering that you’re the live-in girlfriend, why is she being hostile towards you?

It would be better to get you on side and let you into their relationship a little, rather than freeze you out. Your man is sleeping in her house every fricking Friday, it’s the LEAST she could do.

And this is where it’s interesting: Women know women. Your boyfriend may not be cheating at all and I hope he isn’t, but she doesn’t like you because she feels territorial about him. You’re the interloper and she may even resent you because you stand between her having more time with him. She is not stupid and she knows that she will be creating an issue, because trust me, if it were the other way around, she would have something to say…

If your boyfriend is serious, he must respect your feelings. He needs to find a middle ground and he needs to ensure that your feelings aren’t sidelined. At this particular point, I wouldn’t suggest to him that he stop going around there or seeing her, as this will back him into a corner.

Overall, I am not comfortable with your situation. Your man sounds very emotionally invested with someone else, which means that he’s not as emotionally invested as he should be with you, which means regardless of this woman’s situation, you guys have an issue. Do not allow him to take advantage of you because he thinks that you’re emotionally ‘naive’. Trust your gut and do not allow him to mistreat you. That said, don’t overdo the accusations of cheating because if he isn’t, he’ll use the accusations as a reason to start.

Your first step is to sit him down and explain in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory manner that you are not asking him to stop being her friend, but that you are uncomfortable with him having to stay there every Friday. Get some clarification on exactly how long he intends to continue doing it for (If he doesn’t see an end in sight, be very afraid) and try to strike a middle ground with him. For example, get him down to every second Friday at the very least, but ideally have him go there on a Saturday morning. If he won’t budge, and if he continues to be defensive, you will have to assess where your relationship is really at and where it’s headed.

Good luck!

Add to favorites