I’d be lying if I said that I hadn’t had some bad taste in guys in the past, but I realise when I get emails from readers asking for advice on their relationships, that actually, I’ve been pretty bloody fortunate. Caroline has asked for some straight talking advice about the manipulating excuse of a man that she can’t quite shake.
Carolines story: I would like some sharp talking advice in order to be able to understand where I’m at, why I’m acting as I am and why my ex is. We were together for eight months, it was a very intense relationship from day one, it was long distance and he phoned/visited very regularly. He spewed his undying love for me very quickly, he said he’d never met anyone like me, loved me, wanted me to have his baby right from the word go.
He was emotionally very diverse, one minute he’d be crying, telling me he felt insecure and was petrified of losing me, other times he’d be quite volatile, shouting and swearing etc. After six months, he wanted to move to be with me, I told him I thought it might be too quick; he threatened to kill himself that his life would be over etc. He had a car accident and moved in. I did everything I could for him but things seemed to go from bad to worse. We both had problems, but in spite of it all I loved him to bits, and him me. In the end though, I asked him to move out because we seemed to be arguing constantly and I didn’t feel happy. I guess I really believed he’d try and fight to keep me and he did for months, however, I kept letting my hear rule my heart and keeping him at arms length until I could take the pain no more and went back to ask him if he wanted to get back together.
That was in July, he told me he had to concentrate on his son etc. who was coming to live with him. Its worth mentioning at this point that he has two children: one the product of a one night stand years ago, whom he does not really know and the second with a woman he was in a relationship with for 10 years on and off – it was conceived during an off. The latter he missed growing up as most of the time he was in prison for armed robbery. He was also a drug addict etc, but has come out all fresh and a ‘changed’ man. After a few months of texts etc, I found out that he is seeing somebody new , a young girl with a few children, she is pregnant and when I texted to ask him why he was still texting me when he was seeing someone else, and that he had used and sponged off of me, his answer was, ‘whatever’. I was heartbroken, and after all the things he had said to me, I couldn’t accept it was over and that what we’d shared wasn’t real.
I tried doing all the stuff you should do; going to work, going out with friends, looking after my child and faking that I was ok, until he sent me a text. Then I started sending them to him, culminating in us talking on Sunday, him telling me he wished we could be friends, that he loved me, he missed me and my child, that he had moved on because I didn’t want to have a baby. This was untrue, I had told him I wanted to but we were no longer secure. He said the pregnancy was an accident, but like I said, you seem desperate to just have a baby with anyone, not because I was so special. And so he seems great, getting on with life, new gIrlfriend, new baby on the way, and all of my dreams and plans are broken, am so heartbroken and seem to be having such a hard time letting go and moving on which is just so unlike me….any sound advice appreciated.
NML’s Response: The biggest lessons that you need to learn is knowing when things aren’t right and investing yourself in quality relationships that yield quality love. In a nutshell – ditch this loser pronto! From the get go, this guy had the hallmarks of trouble and that was before I even got to the part about his past. I know that it is easy to get drawn in by sex, emotions and someone professing their undying love, but you still need to learn to exercise judgment.
You are not alone in what you have experienced – Many women think that bad relationships are the right ones.
The reason why you are struggling to move on is because you have been drawn into the web of emotional drama and you probably don’t know your arse from your elbow. If you placed a higher value on yourself and had a limit to what you are willing to accept, you would have shed this guy a long time ago. Even now, you clearly have doubts about moving on and even described your relationship when it was volatile as ‘secure’. Trust me, there was nothing secure about this relationship!
Listen to your gut. Read your own words and think about what they mean.
The spewing his undying love, the intensity, the wanting a baby before he actually knew you say that there is something not quite right with this guy. Why is he trying to smother you emotionally and be so heavy rather than letting the relationship develop naturally? You should have been saying to yourself: Hey I know I’m great but am I so great that he should really be wanting to get me knocked up from the get go?
The emotional volatility only contributes to the conclusion that he is clearly unstable. The threatening to kill himself, trying to force your hand so that he can live with you, the convenient car accident or stroke of luck on his part – this guy is a manipulator and in need of more than a little help from a professional.
I don’t think I’m being hard in saying that combined with the characteristics and behaviour summarised above, the fact that he’s managed to clock up some prison time and a couple of kids in between, plus a drug problem, plus God only knows what else, should have been screaming to you – “Hold on, this guy has a LOT of issues. He may be claiming to be a ‘changed’ man but his behaviour is unacceptable and a clear indicator that in many respects he hasn’t changed.”
Just because he’s not behind bars or smoking a crack pipe or whatever his drug of choice was, doesn’t mean that the other issues are not important! You should also have factored in your own child and the impact of your child being embroiled in this situation.
There is no way on earth that reading what I have written so far could possibly have you thinking that there is anything remotely stable about this guy that should have had you considering having a baby with him!
Most importantly Caroline, this joker now has another girl who he has managed to achieve with her what he didn’t with you. She is having his child and now is the time, if any, for you to stop wanting this man and to start healing yourself. You need to have better dreams and plans for yourself where you achieve some of those on your own and when you do share your dreams and plans with a man, let him be one that’s giving you good love. Real relationships are not about feeling bad and the endless stream of drama and manipulation that you have experienced. Spend some time getting to know yourself and addressing your love choices so that no man like what you have described ever has the opportunity to treat you like this again. Oh and cut off contact with this loser – it’s the best thing you could do for yourself.
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Yikes!!!
I agree, Caroline – RUN. Cut off all contact with this guy – he’s definitely bad news.
And one point that NML didn’t mention: The guy saying he loved you and wanted you to have a baby with him – notice he didn’t say he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, and he didn’t say he wanted to marry you. Guys like this have kids as some sort of ego boost, and nothing more. He doesn’t get girls pregnant because he wants to actually BE a father – he just wants to prove that he’s some kind of stud.
From what you’ve written, he has treated you all along as if you don’t matter, and he has manipulated you every step of the way. Get rid of him and learn to be good to yourself. THEN you’ll be ready to be found by a man who honestly loves you and treats you right.
NML,
thankyou so much for the reply, its something else to read it from someone who has read the story very objectively. I didn’t mention my age, Im 35, and old enough to know better!!! He’s 41 now. The truth of the matter is, I thought I loved myself much more than I do, and you’re right, I should have acted on what my gut feelings were right from the start. Interestingly enough, I referred to him as manipulative, he couldn’t see it and referred to me as a control-freak!! I have come to the conclusion that no more contact is best for me, I’ve already lost self-respect by engaging in contact with him for the last five months, and Im not sure that I can really salvage that…We live in a very small place, I dare say he feels at liberty now to text/phone, theres a huge part of me that would like to tell him to fxxkoff, but then I think, don’t lower yourself. Im not sure how to react if I see him, though if he phones or texts. I will ignore ignore ignore. I read a lot of your advice yesetrday, and it has given me the reminder I needed that underneath, this girlie idiotic wreck, I am a strong woman really…just fell for the wrong one..Thankyou thankyou thankyou, I’ll keep coming back.
just me jen thanks for your comments too, in actual fact he did say he wanted to marry me, he said he knew why he’d never been married before, because I was the girl he’d always wanted to meet. Even the day I asked him to leave he said he had seen me walking down the aisle. He tried to convince the woman he was with before me to have her tubes untied to have a baby, he was with her from when he was on day release until he was free, 16 months. I don’t fall into the catagory of his usual type, I work, Im degree-educated, a home-owner, car-owner, but someone who wears her heart on her sleeve and trusts and romanticises far too much. The girl he has moved on to, if he’s to be believed, got pregnant in two secs, though it was ‘an accident’, and the relationship breakdown we had was my fault coz I didnt want a baby!!!! Like I said to him, it seems to me you just want a baby, it doesn’t matter who with, I want more than that from a man. I love your advice and am just so grateful for it, Im filling up my social calendar and fighting hard to get my spirit back, coz I’ve wasted enough of my time on the loser…
NML,
This was a no brainer. Caroline knew, clearly, before asking for ‘advice’ that she was in trouble, the guy she has a crush on is trouble, and there is no daylight in sight. If Caroline had been happy and secure in her relationship, she would be living a happy life, not asking for advice.
I think the real disconnect here, is that so few people really know what a healthy relationship looks like. By the time they are 10, 12, or especially 14, girls should be told ‘find a guy that will be a dependable, honest parent for your children.’ Instead all we know of ‘relationships’ are the games, shenanigans, gossip, and deceits we learn from TV and that we seen in the halls at school. Unfortunately, the girls without a good understanding of why their parent’s relationship is healthy, or don’t have a healthy relationship to learn from, are trapped into the juvenile barbarism that so many of us encountered in school.
When the lead players on the football team can trample school and legal rules and laws, and still be honored for anything, we teach girls that ‘bad boys’ are OK, and that boys will be boys. We teach our kids to abuse, and that abuse is almost expected.
No wonder Caroline finds herself torn between a guy she has bonded with, that uses her as if she were a minor convenience, and a glimmer of hope that there is a better way to live. Caroline, talk to your pastor or priest, and ask what a good relationship should look and feel like, to introduce you to some good people that are good to each other.
The movie ‘Holy Matrimony’ comes to mind. Patricia Arquette is trying to sober up in the bath tub if a resort room, and her ‘husband’ lists the virtues of a husband, including ‘good with children and animals’, ‘his word is golden’. Whether you are religious or not, the fact remains that the discipline, integrity, and caring spirit of a co-parent will make the most dependable and rewarding date. All the Caroline’s out there deserve nothing less.
hey Brad, thanks for your valuable comments too, in fact by the time I was 14, I had left my Mum and was living with my alcoholic father who was very abusive to me for 2 years, verbally and emotionally. I then met, got pregnant with and married my daughters father at 21, straight after my degree, he was violent and awful to me. I have had a few relationships since, and have been treated really well, but it would be fair to say I never felt that passion with these nice guys. Thats not to say I like being treated like dirt, Im a bit of a Jekll and Hyde, part of me knows my worth, therefore I did end this relationship, but part of me is extremely emotional and finds it hard to deal with the aftermath, excrutiatingly hard some days. Just driving by and seeing his car is enough to make me feel sick to the pit of my stomach…I mean hello, why? Why do I feel jealous that he is with someone else? When it clearly wasnt working with me anyway, I was not happy…Why do I sometimes feel like I’ld never let him go, that it was my fault….I really dont know, I have to do a lot of talking to myself every morning to remind myself of the reality of the day, all I know is the sadness I feel, huge, massive, and for the first time in absolutely years, and dont get me wrong, I resent feeling this over someone who so clearly isn’t worth it, so Im fighting it now, not indulging it, every step of the way. I am religious by the way, Catholic, so I’ll look that film up.
I agree we should quit and try to treat ourselves with dignity and worthwhile, but how do I change the fact that I let my MM treat me like shit, I kept falling back on him and tried getting him back in every way possible. Now I am in NC not becoz I have a choice, but becoz he slipped away from my life. He disappeared and he never responds to my email or text or phonecalls anymore…even if he does, he is always busy and has no time for me. I did decide finally to get my scattered sanity in place and to quit for once and for all having mercy on myself to finish this pain of endless hidea n seek with him…but at the end of the day, I still feel like a fool for chasing him endlessly and now I had to give up as I am left with no choice. I want to feel that I dumped him and not the other way. I want to feel tht i backed off, but i feel miserable with this constant feeling tht he didn’t want me, and he got bored and maybe never loved me…he was just using me to get distracted from his problems in life…and I never had any role in his life…i was treated like a minor convenience when he needed an outlet, and now tht he is more busy, he discarded me…..I wish for once I could change the tables, I wish he would contact me atleast once and I am able to tell him tht I don’t want him anymore, I am happier and healthier without him and for once, just once ….i really want him to get in touch with me so I can tell him to get lost and then maybe I can forgive myself for stooping so low and losing all my self respect…….i really hope so………really do!
whats the most painful thing for me to digest is my MM left me with his own choice…not that he had no choice or he couldn’t have set up some place for me in his life…but he left me becoz he wanted to leave me, he ditched me with his choice and its so painful to know tht he is much more happier without me…the feeling that he doesnt want me is so overwhelming at times….