The tricky situation: I’m divorced, in my 40’s with no children. I’m currently single and rarely do I date. I’ve been experiencing a number of stressful scenarios with my neighbour.
She is blessed beyond measure as she’s been with her husband for 20+ years–she has adult children and grandchildren. Despite this, it doesn’t stop her from constantly needing attention. She texts at all hours of the day and night–long-winded grievances over whatever she was dealing with, her medical issues, family or marital issues, things about her best friend, etc. Basically diarrhea style, journal entries as text.
It got to the point that I did briefly discuss with her that I am not a texter and anything more than a paragraph should illicit a short conversation. We live next door to one another, so it shouldn’t be this ridiculous. Realising things were one-sided was disappointing, but I’ve long come to accept it. She has no clue as to how to be a friend. I’d caught her in a lie during a time when she asked me to watch her home and dogs. I stopped speaking to her for a while. Fast forward to last summer, I had to put down one of my dogs (being that I don’t have kids) and it was devastating. She was dismissive of me, as she has always been.
Fast forward to last week and she proceeded to email that her sister has passed away and all of the drama that was unfolding. I didn’t reply. Then she texted, I didn’t reply. I feel bad for her loss but I am not, nor will I be her venting board anymore. I am tired of feeling used and I don’t feel she’s worthy of me expending any effort in discussing any of what has caused me to come to this point, because there is no changing her, she is who she is as a person.
She is selfish and always puts on the dramatics whenever you’re going through something. Being that her and I are neighbours, I’ve quietly kept my distance but she kept backing up past my house when we both returned home at the same time. I should not be forced to extend myself to anyone that cannot treat me decently. Time and time again I have been disappointed by her. Is separation and avoidance the best ways in your opinion to deal with someone like that?
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This is one of those situations where there’s an element of being annoyed with somebody about something that you’re also guilty of–not empathising.
There’s a strong theme of comparison and resentment. You self-identify on your relationship status and the things that you don’t have and from your position, ‘shouldn’t’ behave as she does because she’s married and has kids and grandchildren. It’s like, If I had what she has, I wouldn’t complain about a damn thing! She doesn’t know she’s born!
Here’s the thing: Granted, gratitude matters regardless of relationship status but her being “blessed beyond measure” in your eyes doesn’t mean that she feels that way. Marriage or parenthood doesn’t rid us of life stress and inner problems. Your neighbour is very unhappy.
It’s important to acknowledge your resentment and its true origins– comparing you, envying her on some level for having what you on some level wouldn’t mind having, finding you lacking and judging her on some level for being ungrateful and squandering what you would love to have.
You are only human and some of this woman’s life and her behaviour is treading on grief and even desolation about your own circumstances.
Of course the empathy issue is not one-sided–your neighbour envies you and feels similarly [to how you feel about her life]. I’m not saying that she wants to sack off her family but she does envy the very life that you’re self-critical of. She thinks that you have it ‘easy’ and that you have all the time in the world to be a dustbin for every thought and feeling that passes through her. You don’t, single or not.
Neither of you are truly seeing each other. There’s a distinct projection on both sides. Hidden feelings have a funny ‘ole way of showing themselves and being called something that someone else is doing.
I don’t blame you for your irritation because comparison aside, your neighbour has poor boundaries, but if you want this situation to change, you are going to have to be more boundaried and take care of your side of the fence–good fences make good neighbours.
Part of being boundaried is being boundaried for you.
This means that your resentment is only going to ease off when you stop beating you up for not being a married woman in her forties and you draw your line. There’s hints of you having written yourself off–your last chance saloon hasn’t gone and you are not a failure. Please don’t give up on love. Acknowledge how you feel and what you need to heal so that you can begin to move forward.
The universe in its rather clever and twisted way is giving you a lesson on your doorstep: It’s showing you a woman who you think that you’re ‘supposed’ to be, so that you can stop glorifying it, beating you up and regretting. Your neighbour is reflecting something to you–open up your mind instead of judging you with a story and closing your options.
You aren’t friends and your disappointment stems not just from her inconsiderate behaviour but lack of past boundaries with her and being ‘nice’ and non-confrontational through gritted teeth in the hopes of changing her behaviour. Dropping hints does not work and her inability to extend kindness, especially when you lost your dog, has hurt you deeply and fueled further resentment. She doesn’t behave as she does to you because you’re inferior; this is how she rolls and until someone draws their line, the boundary isn’t clear to her.
You want a friend and there’s nothing wrong with that. She cannot be the friend that you want so please don’t continue hoping for her to change and instead, accept her as she is and use this experience as a notification to explore meaningful friendships with others.
Face the issue with compassion and grace. The silent treatment and avoidance isn’t who you are and will just compound the ill feeling.
“When you send message after message despite me having pointed out my discomfort at you sharing the intimate details of your private life, I’m left feeling that you don’t respect my time or the boundaries of our neighbour relationship. I value my peace and my relationships with my neighbours and it’s because of this that I feel that it’s important that I let you know how I feel as I don’t want to be resentful or uncomfortable nor do I want to be avoiding you. Please don’t send anymore texts or emails. I take responsibility for my side of things and acknowledge that I needed to be clearer with you much sooner. I’m truly sorry that you have been going through a lot and I really do hope that you find resolution soon.”
And repeat as necessary–you will have to show your boundaries consistently because she is not used to you (or others) being boundaried with her. Remember that you are not responsible for her feelings. You are the one who is forcing you to extend yourself. You’re under no obligation to be her problem solver or dumping ground. Don’t even read any texts that come through–you’re not the only one receiving them! Please see my post on how to deal with drainers and put the tips into practice pronto.
Ultimately when you recognise the humanness in you both and at the same time, assert the necessary boundaries, the tension and stress will drop significantly because the energy of the situation will have changed dramatically.
Each Wednesday, I’ll help a reader to solve a dilemma. If you’d like to submit a question, please email natalie AT baggagereclaim.com with ‘Advice Wednesday’ in the subject line. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Emails need to be brief – sub 200 words is preferable. If you want detailed one-to-one support, please use my consultation service.
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Ms. Creative/Natalie,
I LOVE your idea -Advice Wednesday. Yet another way to help others solve dilemmas they face in there everyday lives. I will be sending my question (smile). It’s a New Year and you are full of new ideas.
You give US strength with your advice. I love what you said:
There’s hints of you having written yourself off–your last chance saloon hasn’t gone and you are not a failure. Please don’t give up on love.
I needed to hear this as well. Thanks for making my week even better with all that you have shared here on BR. This is why I stop here first in the morning even before Starbucks. LOVE what you do for all of us. Thank you for teaching me to set boundaries. Thank you for helping restore my faith when I was at my lowest point. Your messages are perfectly timed. I came here everyday when I hit my low and was able to rebuild. Thank you for every second you pour into sharing ideas with everyone here on BR.
MJ
It’s amazing how, when we address our own behaviour and work on ourselves (instead of projecting our own stuff onto others), other people’s behaviour seems to change as well. That’s the magic of the Universe, I guess – we get the lessons over and over, and sometimes really exaggerated (the more in denial we are about ourselves, the more exaggerated the behaviour of those around us) until we can see ourselves. Truly see ourselves, without judgement, and heal ourselves at our very core…
I have been both a dumper and a dumpee. When I was young, the basis of my friendships seemed to be all of us girls complaining about the guys in our lives. We never thought to look at ourselves. Forward a few decades, and I got to go through the old patterns again when I renewed an old friendship with a guy I used to like. I became obsessive and was dumping on a couple of kind neighbours (and anyone else who’d listed), while at the same time, a neighbour I didn’t like was dumping on me about her life. When I saw and changed my own behaviour (over time), she suddenly stopped being in my face. I rarely see her now. The only difference between myself and the girl asking for advice was that I’ve never envied other people’s lives – I know that things are never as they seem, and comparing yourself to others is unfair to both parties…
This post was a very good reminder of where I was (not very long ago), and how much I’ve changed and healed. Once anxious and obsessive, I am now calm and happy. Still single, and happy in my position. It *can* be done, but as you say, Nat, not by trying to change the other person.
Wonderful first post! I can relate to the writer, and think your response is very helpful. I look forward to next Wed.
Thank you for this post – it’s such a great example of putting boundary enforcement into action. I want to acknowledge the value of including sample language to use in these situations (“When you send message after message…”) and how beneficial I find that to be. It’s great to read your perspective and then also see how to put that into PRACTICE. Thank you – that takes this advice to the next level for me.
Great post, but they are all great.
I after the New Year took myself off of the menu for all of the drainers in my life. When I stopped calling them to listen to their downer complaints, two things happened. First, my phone was silent for an entire month, as no one called me to check on me (as I suspected, it was always about them). Then, just as this month is almost over, they are all starting to call me to see “are you okay?” which is curious.
I was sick for several days, none of the drainer’s called. I have a parent very ill, none of the drainer’s called (they all know of this situation). At first I resented their calls, then I decided to answer the phone and tell them pleasantly how busy I was working two jobs, then got off the phone. I have never felt so free and breezy in my life.
I don’t call them and decided no more drainers ever, and most of these are blood relatives.
Don’t let other people vampire suck the joy and life right out of you with their problems, issues, complaints and problems. I even started working out again, as suddenly I have more energy and am not on their list of people to call and complain their life away to anymore.
I like this new “Advice Wednesday” feature too.
My two cents: Gotta be cautious when ending relationships with neighbors. When neighbors feel rejected, they sometimes choose to make your life miserable. It’s best to put the problem on yourself, as in “I have a medical issue that gives me chronic headaches, I feel best when I keep to myself. So, excuse me but I have to go now.” Yes, lie your way out of the relationship and let her think the problem is with you.
Your neighbor sounds like an NPD. I know an NPD whose neighbor asked her to turn down the volume on her stereo, the NPD went to the apartment manager to find out the rules on noise, the rules said noise had to end at 9PM, so the NPD kept the volume at full blast until 9PM every night. NPDs don’t want to be corrected or rejected.
My neighbor across the street has NPD traits…must be seen and heard….and he brags about his former role as a bigwig with the city’s sanitation department. So he called himself doing me a “favor” by picking up my trash bags and personally taking them to the trash depot. I did not give him permission to do this and I was horrified by the invasion of my privacy – contents of trash bags tell you a lot about a person. I thought the whole thing was just too weird. The next time he did it, I walked over to his house and asked him to stop taking my trash bags. He asked why. (Why do I have to explain??!!) I said “Because I don’t like it”. He stopped doing it but now he pointedly ignores me when we are both doing yard work….I don’t care that he ignores me, but the point is, in his mind, he feels that I slighted him and he is punishing me for that slight.
I have to disagree with this one. That entire statement in the end telling the other person about your discomfort etc – no no and no. That to me seems like women that think and talk too much.
I just had a situation where a person I saw as a friend has been behaving very badly around me – undermining every single thing I say, arguing, contradicting, and being mean. This person has in the past been very judgmental against others and I would counter that kind of talk but she’s been nice to me and I have only now realized that she’s very instrumental – when she’s insecure she totally lashes out, is impossible to do anything with her. Anyway, a few events happened and I realized I don’t want to hang out with her AND I want to call her out on it because I’m not putting up with this type of thing. If I stay friends with her, she gets away with it. If I ghost her, thats not my style and again she gets away with it. But my earlier learnings in life have been – for certain types of insecure people that are not in your really intimate circle, DO NOT tell them after the fact what they did wrong. People never accept it, and they will turn it back on you – and fair play to them, if anyone ever really called me on something, I’d be defensive to begin with as well.
So I drafted out a few emails. Some of them in the same vein that are in this blogpost – honest emails, a lot of responsibility for my feelings ‘I felt like x when you did y’ etc. A lot of just recapping what she said and did which when you put it down looks pretty bad. Then I thought – this person has been undermining me to the extent that if I said I was tired she was arguing with me. She was refusing to let me own a single feeling. So why would she let me ‘own’ these feelings of having been hurt? She would undermine those too. AND since she’s insecure, and not an honest authentic person around me as I am realizing now, I don’t need to give her ammunition about myself.
So I eventually wrote her a very short kind of stinging email where I actually did what they tell you not to do – I focused on her behavior but in fairly vague strange ways. Like ‘I couldn’t make out, you seemed so out of sorts’ etc – no direct telling her how I feel since she does not deserve to know, and if she did would use it against me. I ended the email with a bit of a zinger using her words against her – a little private zinger that is ambiguous enough that she will be left wondering. Yes, I realize that she is insecure and yes I am using that insecurity against her. I don’t anymore trust her, so why would I tell her how I really feel? Instead, I have tried to be vague enough that she has no real answer, she is on the defensive now, and of course she has not written me back. This suits me well – i don’t want to hear from her for a while, and if we ever do get back in touch, I want that awkwardness between us so that if she misbehaves I can say – there you go again!!! Passive aggressive isn’t it? Thats how you have to be with some people. Save the authenticity and honesty for those that can and will reciprocate.
Regarding this neighbor – she is a bit out of the norm (to put it politely). No negotiation or straight talk will work. Change your number, tell her you lost your phone, whatever. Tell her you don’t have texting anymore. Never ever respond to a text. BUT when you see her, once a week or something, YOU got up on your own time and be super effusive – how lovely to see you, oh dear did you bump your elbow again, how frustrating, your life so hard…just agree with her.
What you need is engagement on your terms, without antagonizing her. Truth telling does not achieve those outcomes in such non-intimate relationships PLUS with crazy people.
The reason why people deny and get angry when you call people out on something they did wrong is because you were never boundaried with them to begin with. This applies to non-intimate AND intimate friends and family. They all know what they are doing, and, when they get what they want (at your and your boundaries’ expense, of course), they don’t want to feel like the bad guy. This makes them uncomfortable. So they lash out on you.
There has to be a middle ground between your position and Natalie’s, because I do see your side here.
I don’t like putting anything in writing.
I don’t like changing numbers, blocking, etc., wither; unless the person is emotionally abusive and/or a former romantic partner who is AC/EUM.
In light of the above, I otherwise do like your approach, in your second-to-last paragraph.
You could also put a label on your relationship-pre-setting-up-new-boundaries…you could even call it “the past x ” (x being called a “path”, “road”, “pattern”, “journey”, or the like)…and say you now don’t “go with” that “x” anymore.
This way, you are telling her “no dice”–or, really, “no PAST dice”–in the future. Unless it is on your, new, “y” (no more “x”!!) terms.
I agree with you Suki. Too much explaining and giving away too much information about yourself to a person that will only use it as ammo against you on some future date. Some people need to be cut off as succinctly as possible. Don’t over explain, but also, don’t think that because you are speaking your truth that it is OK to be callous. Diplomacy is always wise. A variation of the “it’s not you, it’s me” gambit works well in these situations.
Spot on. The boundaries thing has been a riddle for me lately, and here you are explaining what they are so clearly. They are boundaries for me, first. I finally get it 🙂