One of the things that we can find difficult to ‘argue’ against is when we have a ‘super-busy’ partner who work work work work works or who seems to spend every spare minute exercising or doing favours for other people. These appear to be cast-iron alibies that explain their unavailability and we can almost feel as if we’re being selfish or needy for feeling away about it. It’s not as if they’re spending their time overdoing something else such as alcohol or other substances or they’re gambling, shopping, eating or something else excessively, so we might push down our doubts and concerns.
Of course when somebody is over-something it and it becomes at the expense not just of the happiness of the relationship but even their own well-being, we are right to feel concerned. These can be forms of avoidance–ways of pushing down or even obliterating feelings and thoughts. It’s a bit like when we’ve experienced a hurt and we throw ourselves into work or being as busy as we possibly can. It helps us to focus on something else but there can, if it goes on for quite some time, be a fear of slowing down in case all of the feelings emerge and we’re not able to deal with them.
A close friend of mine went out with a guy who was a workaholic, gymaholic, marathonaholic who would also do favours for everyone. When he did fit her in, she savoured these snatches of time and felt almost grateful for the attention but couldn’t shake this mounting feeling that sure, if she wanted him to come to the rescue about something practical like changing a tire, he’d be there in a flash but that emotionally, mentally and even physically, she was being left hanging by him. She realised that she had been silent for too long when he went incommunicado for two weeks and then reappeared with little explanation and she erupted at the outrageousness of it all.
In this week’s Advice Wednesday, Kristen has moved three hours away from everyone she knows…to be with her workaholic boyfriend who proceeded to ramp up the amount of work he was doing and then distanced himself from her when she struggled to get a job in her new town and needed help from him including financial support.
It’s hard enough to move to somewhere unfamiliar or to settle into progressing a relationship without having to feel that if you are less than perfect, your partner’s going to run for the hills. It’s OK for a partner to be scared and many people do get triggered by money, but communication is vital. Stonewalling and giving the impression that being needed in any way is a bad thing, puts the relationship in a rather precarious place. The true test of a relationship isn’t about how it runs when the going is smooth but whether each party still has each other’s back and remains on the same team when they hit life’s inevitable bumps like stress, conflict, criticism, disappointment and loss.
If somebody keeps sending the message that you’re on your own emotionally and that they don’t want to be relied upon, it’s going to undermine intimacy and commitment in the relationship and you won’t be able to feel secure in the relationship. Ignoring problems and hoping that they will disappear, for instance, when you move in together, will delay dealing with the inevitable which is only going to snowball. If they refuse to talk about anything and only warm up when you collude with them in avoiding the prime content of a relationship, it’s only right to be concerned about the future of the relationship. It’s not about being codependent where you’re excessively emotionally reliant or about being fiercely protective of independence where closeness is seen as a threat; interdependence means that you each honour the separateness but are healthily mutually dependent.
Some people are very good at designing their life in such a way that there appear to be legit reasons for why they can’t show up, but you know what? People have jobs, exercise, do favours for others etc and show up to their relationships so don’t let anyone who’s dodging intimacy, minimise your needs. Most of all, don’t sell you short by settling for being the fringes of someone’s life.
Have you been with a super-busy partner or somebody who was overdoing something that gradually encroached on your relationship? What advice can you offer Kristen?
Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email advicewednesdayAT baggagereclaim.com. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words. For in-depth support, book a clarity session or coaching.
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My advice to Kristen is to stop worrying about whether or not he finds her attractive, good enough etc – and ask herself how SHE feels about HIM. It sounds as though this guy was fine when there was no possibility of real intimacy and inter-dependency because of the long distance, but is creating emotional distance in place of the geographical one. Looking for a meaningful relationship with someone like this is like looking for diamonds in a sulphur mine – it just isn’t going to happen.
So, as far as I can see, she has a number of choices – carry on as she is, and let her self-esteem walk out the door; carry on in the same situation, but stop looking for him to provide any kind of support or loyalty – and develop other aspects of her life. Then choose whether she’d rather live without the constraints of an unrewarding relationship – or not. OR cut her losses and return home, hopefully equipped to spot the signs of emotional unavailability much sooner.
I wish her luck, whatever she chooses.
He sounds too self involved, married to his job and considers Kristen his other woman.
I moved 8 hours away and found myself in the same situation. Grumbling noises were made because I didn’t find employment soon enough to suit him. I had savings and contributed to the household. He got sick and if I hadn’t been there he would have been found dead after a few days. I left before 6 months was up and came back home. Found out after I left he had other relationships going on. Still feel dumb for sticking it out as long as I did.
Workaholics are just that. It’s the way they can give excuses for why they don’t have any time for you. These guys are Emotional/Social Retards!!!
I’ve read all your books and re-read them many times, I finally now have taken my power back and unloaded this jerk that doesn’t even have time for himself!
Same with people that are always telling you “I’m so busy”. I’ve dropped the “too busys” now, they can go it alone and find someone else to tell their troubles to, ONLY when they have time to call you. You can never reach them, they never answer their phones, texts, emails.
These people are definitely textbook cases. Everyone needs to see this
so they can truly get on with their lives! Unload these losers and let them be “too busy” and work themselves to death!
My SO and I just parted ways because of this very reason. I was left feeling more alone in the relationship than when I was by myself. We had a huge falling out the weekend and he came down on me so hard in that he put me together with all the other women he has been with who needed time and attention. He then proceeded to say that i would never hear from him again and then there was some name calling. I felt the warmth from him only when I was willing to pull back as well. But there is only so much pulling back you can do, until you are basically in a relationship with yourself. Words of affirmation without any action just wasnt enough anymore. We have been together for a year and a half and our closeness is in shared words and feelings over IM but never translated into an actual prescence. I love him dearly (which he now questions and accused me of playing a game) but I cant do this anymore. I want a companion and a partner to share lifes experiences with. Not a ghost.
Mardi,
On dropping “too busy” vocbulary, i agree, I need to as well. I find sometimes it just automaticallt out of my mouth, upon bein asked “how havYou been?” Or “how was your day.” Thing is though, i am very busy for sure, but never use it as an excuse to be available and I’ll make time for people I want in my life or things that I enjoy. These “emotional retards” as you call them, use “busy as an excuse”to string us along, throw crumbs our way, being emotionally unavailble but still tap us for a shag, and expect us to be understanding girlfriends because don’t we know they are too busy. Meanwhile they are actually busy doing rotation on harem members who have subscribed to their Kingdoms, and we are unknowingly or in denial waiting for our turn because we are being undrstanding of their busy situation. And don’t we dare say we want to see more of them or we miss them, It’s being needy and insecure. As Natalie says, no one is that busy. And as you say, well they can “work themselves to death” and we should not let them bury our selfworthy and self esteem with them, because eventually that is what happens when we stick around hoping one time the will wake not too busy and make time for us.
Exactly Afrok!
No one is that busy, and that’s the honest truth right there!
I often work 60+ hour weeks in the City, attend networking events, travel cross-country to meet clients and have various obligations to fulfill, but I still manage to return calls/texts, and make time to see friends, family and squeeze in the occasional date.
It’s called balance! Something which some men/women conveniently seem to lack.
I will never fall for that BS again. 🙂
Typo corrections, i meant;
– “I am very busy for sure, but never use it as an excuse to be unavailable….”
– “…one they will wake up not too busy and make time for us.”
Gosh, I meant “one day they will wake up not too buys and make time for us.”
In my experience, I’ve also found that men with kids are particularly prone to suffering from this “too busy” syndrome.
I was seeing this guy a while back, and we would get on just fine until the weekends when it was his turn to have the kids. He would ignore me the entire weekend – so even if I’d text him just to say “hi” or “how are you?”, I’d get no response at all. So when I eventually asked him about this after 2-3 months of dating, his justification was that his kids are his priority when he has them, and he doesn’t respond to any messages or calls period.
Whilst I understood that his kids come first and applauded him for being a good father, I struggled to see how replying to a single text would’ve diminished his position as a good dad. To me, his kids seemed like the perfect excuse to not communicate with me at all – which I personally find discourteous.
I also have many friends who are full-time, single parents and they manage to reply to calls/texts without issue – even if there may be a slight delay at times – which is understandable. This dude had his kids part-time and still thought it was OK to blank me!
I’d never ever expect any man worth his salt to choose me over his kids, but I still expect to be treated with consideration and care whether he has his kids with him or not. How is a relationship supposed to progress if one person is intentionally ignoring the other for 2-3 days every other weekend and thinks this is acceptable? To this day, I still don’t see the logic behind his behaviour, but I have decided that men with kids is definitely not for me, so some good did come out of it.
Rachel,
Ha, you put it so well, “It’s called balance! Something which some men/ women conveniently seem to lack.” Key word – conveniently.
Good on you for vowing not to fall on that BS again, because it truly is bullshit.
On that man, if we lived in the same city I’d say we dated the same person. It has happened to me not long. Sure he was a good dad, enjoyed time with his kids and they are his priority.
Wait a minute, I am a single mum, work full time, sometimes over time, have my child 80% of the time. However I can make time to see you, text, call, email etc, and I’m able to show up emotionally for a mutually fullfilling relatinship. What does that make me? A non caring parent/ not prioritising my child?
As you say, It is a “too busy syndrome” (love it), that they “conveniently” use to mask their unwillingness to be emotionally available.
Funny thing is though, once upon a time, they wer constantly available, and showed a good dose of emotions to earn your trust and drop your guards down. Then once they have you hooked “too busy” game begins.
I got dropped like hot metal because I asked I want to see more. I acknowledged his busy schedule but pointed to mine and said I believe if we both want things to progress we can work around our “too busy” schedule. I got back how he was “too busy running around with my kids” to give you the attention you need. They give a bad name to parenthood really. But then you wonder, if they knrw they are too busy, what made them show up and give the impression they want a relation to begin with? To quote what you just said “How is a relationship suppossed to progress if one is intentionally ignoring the other for 2-3 days and every other weekend and thinks this is acceptable.”
I agree with you Rachel, without meaning to paint all dads with kids with the same brush, but if you can, stay away from them, especially if you don’t have your own. Nothing like feeling like a 2nd, 3rd, 4th or whatever number of wheel depending on how many kids they have. I wish I’d say the same for me too, but I have a child. However I tread very carefully with dads with kids. Amazing how most of them have them for like 10-20% but oh Lord, aren’t they the busiest dad. This one had said on their online profile the equivalent of “if you are too busy to see me when i have my kids, then I’m not for you.”
That’s just unbelievable Afrok! He actually had the nerve to put himself out there like he wants someone to spend time with him and his kids, but then you stepped up willingly, and he steps OUT! WTF is up with these guys today??? I swear, it’s like they intentionally want to screw with our heads constantly. I’m just so sick of the BS and games!
I have nothing but admiration and respect for the women who end up being the primary carer for their kids, because you ladies juggle a hell of a lot of balls in the air, and still seek to achieve a balance in life. My Mum was a single parent so I’m desperately trying to avoid that fate, but the way things are going romantically (or not as the case may be), I’m starting to realise there’s a very strong possibility I may have to go it alone, because I refuse to miss out on motherhood because all the men I meet are worthless.
I have no kids, but at 32 I do understand that most guys – especially black guys – will be coming with babies and/or baby mama drama. The sad thing is, that most of them are crap at managing time – even the ones who have sworn to me in the past that they would “always have time for me…”. I soon find out that they were full of sh*t too.
“Nothing like feeling like a 2nd, 3rd, 4th or whatever number of wheel depending on how many kids they have.”
You hit the nail on the head! This is precisely why I avoid MWKs at all costs, but the sad reality is that the ones without kids are often equally unavailable or arseclown-ish in my experience – so what’s a girl to do??? Seriously! I’m about ready to give up altogether.
This sh*t is no longer fun. 🙁
It really sucks to always be last. Yes, kids are a priority, but when it’s every weekend and several days a week and you only get what’s left, it gets old. Worse, he couldn’t/wouldn’t even tell the kids he was dating (not about me, that he was dating at all) despite being divorced over 4 years and seeing me for two. Then being told that I’m not the most important thing, and this relationship isn’t his biggest worry. Yes, I get that, I feel that, but thanks for TELLING ME, oh, and BTW, you’re not the biggest issue in my life either, but I’m not going to come out and say that. Ugh, never again.
Elizabeth,
That man sounds very selfish, cold and I’d say cruel. How dare he? It must hurt really bad, especially after all that you have been for him, loving him, relocating to be with him, taking care of him when really sick and putting up with his harrassment when you didn’t have a job. You did what you did because you loved him and you trully cared for him. And you are selfless. Unfortunately, he has proved beyond reasonable doubt to be a cold and selfish man, undeserving of your love and time. Yes it hurts how he has treated you. I would feel hurt, angry even bitter, thrown in your situation. However as hurtful as it is, you are moving in the right direction, don’t look back, you deserve better. Keep that loving energy for a deserving man who will love you back and feel very lucky to have you. Hugs. X
Typo again. I meant;
“…mutually fullfilling relationship…”
“…I asked I wanted to see more of him…”
“..If the knew…” not “knrw”
“…give the impression they want a relationship to begin with?”
Zee,
“There is only so much pulling back you can do until you are basically in a relationship with yourself.” Exactly. And that’s when you know to leave him alone and find a man who deserves you.
The guy sounds like a pathetic bully. The fact that he’d only be warm to you when you pull back tells a lot. Like he is rewarding you for playing by his rules. He can have you at his owm leisure.
And guess what happens when you break the rules and want him to step up and be emotionally availabe, because you are not happy with non-relationship? He will dump you, and call you “needy” like “all other women before you” who dared standing up for themselves. How dare you don’t continue putting up with his unavailability? Don’t you know he is too busy and you are not a high priority on his busy schedule? Wow, the audacity..What jerk!
Zee, you deserve better.
Most likely he might come back to see if you have learnt your lessons. As Natalie would say, he does not deserve even a steam off your pee. It still hurts, but stay strong. X
Afrok,
Yes it does still hurt. Thank you for taking the time to respond. “Having me at his own leisure” is exactly how it started to feel. I even called him on being low on his priority list which started the rant. I was left feeling like such a bad person for bringing it up. The mindf#%k is difficult to deal with. So I am trying to swim through all of that, and get down to the facts because you are left emotionally raw.
Poor Kristen, I just want to give her a hug. I’ve been in a very similar situation myself until recently. Here’s the thing – and, if you are reading this, Kristen, please take these words to heart – what you have described is emotional abuse. Plain and simple. You mustn’t blame yourself for this – you’d be amazed how much abuse people will put up with. He might not be hitting you or cheating on you; however, what he is doing is, in a way, more insidious than that – and can leave deeper scars if left unchecked. You don’t deserve this.
I know, because I was in an almost identical situation until recently, and it was unnerving hearing Natalie describe it. Without making this into a thesis, I had a “boyfriend” with a Very Demanding Job who was a single father to three children (only the youngest lived with him, however). These were, apparently, the reason he had no time or energy to engage with me, but, funnily enough, he had plenty of time to play golf, sit and play with Whatsapp (I never did get to the bottom of who was sending him all those messages, funny old thing) or surf the internet, or have sex on the rare occasion we saw each other (no affection or intimacy and he used to walk off after). Now, this is the tip of the iceberg but we lived together for a couple of months and, after initially promising the world, once I moved in and was dependent on him while I learned a local language and looked for a job, he dismantled what little self-esteem I had by (among other things) completely withholding affection (as above), criticism disguised as “advice”, pressure to be something I’m not, and stonewalling whenever I tried to talk about it. And then – guess what? He blamed me for it all (seriously, do these idiots all work out of the same text book or something?)
Thankfully, he ended it almost two months ago and at the time I thought I was going to die (I’ve always been a bit melodramatic!) But. I truly cannot express how much of a blessing it is to shed someone like that and learn to live and love your life again. In this way, he gave me the gift I wasn’t able to give myself at the time. Because these people will keep you in a horrible limbo and there are few things worse than feeling lonely in a relationship. It’s been a painful few weeks but I’m already feeling so much better, thanks in no small part to BR and the tribe. There is work to be done, but I would never go back and I now wish I’d been strong enough to end it sooner, not to have the upper hand, but because I know I should have had my own back.
Thing is, you don’t have to wait, like I did – you can start your new life right now. I just want tell you that so you know how much better it can get, in a relatively short space of time if you just recognise and accept the person and the situation for what they are. And what they are is not worthy of your time and energy.
A friend of mine shared a quote that rang true and I hope it will help you: “A love that is devoid of action is not worth having…you deserve a love that will stay by your side and not make you question its existence.”
Kristen, I know it might not feel like it now, but I PROMISE you that there is a beautiful life filled with love and happiness waiting for you outside of this horrible “relationship”. You’ve got to be brave. Believe.
“once I moved in and was dependent on him while I learned a local language and looked for a job, he dismantled what little self-esteem I had by (among other things) completely withholding affection (as above), criticism disguised as “advice”, pressure to be something I’m not, and stonewalling whenever I tried to talk about it. And then – guess what? He blamed me for it all (seriously, do these idiots all work out of the same text book or something?)”
Dany, Yes, you hit the nail on the head describing this behavior! When they have you, you are dependent on them in some way, and are vulnerable (weakened for some reason) – in the one-down position, that’s when the cruelty comes out. So incredibly painful. I felt total despair.
So glad to read that you have moved on and are happy.
Veracity, it’s a bit chilling what they’re like once the mask slips, isn’t it? I do have my off-days but this BR quote is great for that: “It takes a while for the heart to heal and catch up with the head”.
I do hope you are in a better place now as well. It sounds as though you are. I actually think assclowns exist to teach us to love ourselves and to live without limits. All we have to do is flush. 😀
Yes it is, Dany! It’s hard to reconcile the behavior and let go of the defensive hope.
I am in a better place, thanks! Like you, I believe these relationships are here to teach us to love ourselves. I hadn’t really considered the ‘without limits’ part until now. Gonna update my beliefs! 🙂
Kristen should not have moved until these little problems were worked out in the relationship. A move does not make issues better, it makes them worse. The problem now though is that she gave up friends, family and a possibly good job to move to the man. She can either make the most of it or move back and start all over. This guy is not going to change if he is already making excuses. Word to women: let him move first, and go visit him for a week afterwards, THEN decide if a move is warranted.
Hello BR Tribe! I’m a long time reader, and this is my first comment!
I agree with a lot of other readers and their comments- that Kristen would do well to cut her losses and un-do her hasty move, and chalk it up to a learning experience.
One of my favorite sayings from BR and Natalie is- people unfold. Relationships unfold. One of my favorite actions these days is to let that happen! For me, that means TIME- a lot of it. Time to see what they’re truly like (for me, it’s never shorter than 3-6 months), what I’m truly like in the relationship (same time frame), time to decide if I want to continue with what I’ve found.
I also agree with another commenter- it’s emotional abuse. If it was a resolvable issue, I would be hearing things like-
‘I’m so glad we’re together, and sorry you’re having a hard time. What can WE do to make this work for us?’
‘I AM really busy with work now, but you’re my priority- let’s look at our schedules and hammer something out in the interim until work is less demanding’.
And etc.
I have been in several situations such as Kristens’ (and many other empty-relationship situations). I had to do my ‘old empty relationship’ housecleaning (of course, abusive and neglectful parenting as a child). I had to learn (and am still learning) what partnership looks, sounds, and feels, like. My last relationship ended after 5 months, and I consider it a success! The man in question was extremely extroverted, socially popular and active. WE recognized the divide between an introvert (me) and extrovert (him) early on, and he would say those types of previous statements and questions to me. And equally important, I would broach discussions with the same lead-ins! Just astounding! And we would follow through on our mutual decisions. We broke up for reasons of incompatability, with respect of break up boundaries following. Sadness and good will on both sides.
I am wondering about ignored red flag and code amber issues early on in Kristen’s situation. I’ll bet when she’s able to look back, they’ll be there, in technicolor. As I get better at seeing those and flushing, I’m also getting better at seeing green lights! They are mightily unfamiliar to someone like me, but I’m on deck for getting used to them!
Kristen, good luck as you move through this. Baggage Reclaim is a huge help through failures and successes alike- hope to see you here.
I just got out of a similar situation where my boyfriend was emotionally unavailable, though not a workaholic. For a long time he claimed to not be able to see me cry because it would make him angry. If I opened up my heart and let some much-needed emotion flow out of it to him, he would accuse me of “dumping my crap” on him. I also felt more alone in that relationship than I do now that I’m out of it, and it should never be that way. We ALL deserve better than that!
HI BR TRIBE,
I am having the same problem currently, and feel like Natasha hit the nail on its head. However my twist is that my new relationship is long distance and I have been in previous LDR while he has not. However he never takes time to actually talk to me. Just calls me before bed and leaves me hanging on the emotional level. I have spoken to him about this and he has been completely stone walling me. He always has some favor to do or a social agenda or gym routine he has to accomplish that by the end of the night he is either too tired or i am already asleep so we rarely talk. I honestly do no know how else to reiterate to him my needs and I am left feeling like a needy individual asking for something that I deem to be the norm in any relationship. Any conversation that isn’t polite chit chat that concerns our relationship is ignored and left to die. I am at my wits end on how to proceed with this. Any one Please help!
I’m seeing so many comments that are making me nod my head and go “mm-hm!” in agreement!
Tracee, this is such a painful situation; you really do have my sympathy.
One thing I left out of my post above was that my situation started out as an LDR and then reverted to one when he decided that me living with him was too much ‘pressure’. Like your guy, he could never find the time to call me (unless I asked, and even then it was never more than once or twice per week) and the conversation never progressed beyond chit chat.
Here’s the thing: having needs does not make you “needy” (I hate that word!) and a good man would make you feel that way anyway because he wouldn’t want to be out of touch with you and not engaging with you, even if circumstances meant you had to live apart temporarily.
If you’ve tried talking to this muppet and he doesn’t want to engage with you, then he’s not life partner material. I would strongly urge you to cut your losses and end it. It will be painful, but as I can attest, there are no words for how much better you’ll feel once you start the healing process and working toward a happy future and, when the time is right, a partner who is available for a mutual, loving relationship.
You might find it helpful at this point to look within and ask yourself some questions, as I did. What false beliefs are you holding about yourself and love that would make you opt for and stay with a partner who is not only physically absent, but emotionally too?
I hope this helps a bit.
PS. I don’t know if we’re allowed to recommend books on here, but my favourite one is called ‘If the Buddha Dated’ by Charlotte Kasl. It’s ace and really complements a lot of the stuff on BR but from a more spiritual perspective (if that’s your thing). Thought some readers might find it helpful. I know I did.
Not sure what to say that hasn’t already been said, other than that I really empathize with Kristen. Sounds as if she endured a very difficult situation.
I use to tie myself in knots chasing people like that. When I caught them, I realized my needs (having them) were threatening to them. These folks, from my experience, just take and take until their is nothing left and then they find someone else (usually right before their done with you), and do it all over again. What I am coming to realize is that they are the needy ones and they find people who, for whatever reason, struggle with having needs. Some people have been taught(shown) that their needs are bad, unacceptable, wrong, etc…
You have a knack for posting articles that totally relate to me! Just 5 months ago, I was involved with someone who was Mr Super Busy. He stonewalled me when I tried to have a conversation about how we would move forward to building a committed relationship, in light of his busy schedule. Didn’t even have the courtesy to tell me he wanted to end it, just completely shut me out and that was the end of it. Up till, last week at least. He dropped me a casual text and asked for a meet up. I agreed and wondered why the hell I even agreed to it (my ego that’s why, not so secretly pleased that he was the one who reached out) He spent almost the entire coffee session, telling me how busy he was. *rolls eyes* there was a time when I sympathised with his situation and would take care to not be needy. But now, hell to the no. You do you and I’ll do me. Just don’t get me involved in your super busy life shit.
In conclusion, it’s a hard reality to accept but these people don’t change, unless they themselves realise it and want to. Nobody can make them. Meanwhile it’s not worth it to get caught up with them and diminish our own self worth.
Lots of helpful experiences and comments here. Personally I cannot see what either party is getting out of this relationship? Other than the feeling of having someone there, despite the poor quality of it.
As a dog lover, the fact that his dog is untrained and high maintenance jumped out at me. Sounds like he has another living being in his life who is just ‘there’ so he maybe feels not alone but can’t make the time to nurture and care for. Reminds me of the Sandra Bullock film ’28 Days’ where they’re told not to date when they come out of rehab. They must do Pet-Plant-Person…so grow a plant and keep it alive…then move onto caring for a pet…because the survival of both require your time, attention, thought, care etc…just like a relationship! Makes sense lol.
Sounds to me like Kristen knows how but her partner does not. Sadly he doesn’t sound open to change either. I grew up with a very clear directive from both parents that my needs were either a nuisance or a weakness. But I kept trying! I now understand my entire relationship history has been based on this dynamic so it wouldn’t surprise me if Kristen has experienced some of that too. I hope she soon realises she’s entitled to ‘need’ but understands that not all people will accommodate them. And that does not make her needs any less valid. Good luck 🙂
Lochy, what you say really spoke to me.
I used to stay in relationships whose only purpose for existing was just as you wrote: “other than the feeling of having someone there, despite the poor quality of it”. Those relationships gave me a false belief that someone was “there”.
But I’m not into nurturing those “make-do” relationships anymore…those “please-give-me-half-the-consideration-I-give-you” relationships . I don’t censure myself from having needs and wanting those needs to be met. It’s a change in how I view myself.
People around me and in my orbit haven’t changed…I am the one who is changing. So that humor at my expense that a parent still insists on saying…….. I notice I look at it dispassionately. I direct no energy to getting the other person to change their mind, rescind what they said. I know it is not an inadequacy on my part.
That single EUM who long-ago placed me on his third string – he upped his contact to an actual landline phone call after seeing that I have not responded to any texts in quite some time. I let the call go to voice mail – I am letting that ground go fallow. I made a conscious decision to let that acquaintanceship die out. We were only placeholders in each others’ lives. No emotional connection. Good for last minute dates when we wanted to seem like we had someone in our lives.
Lately, I find I’ve been productive……doing those little projects that were just “ideas”. I’ve let go of things having to be “perfect” in anyone else’s eyes but my own. My people-pleasing behaviors are a little less reflexive than before. It’s exciting. And new.
Thanks Elgie R…it sounds like you’re really evolving! It’s slow and painful at times isn’t it, but once you start down that road you know that forward is the only direction. And as you say, it really is about changing yourself and your own outlook. Again, not easy but ultimately rewarding. Nice to be on the journey with you 🙂
“Too busy with work/family/friends” is code for “other romantic interests”. I always heard that excuse from my ex when we were together. I later learned he had been secretly involved with another woman for 1 1/2 years while we were involved, despite him telling me this was not the case. Similarly, growing up, my father had many extramarital affairs. He was always “going back to the office” after dinner – as an adult, I now know the truth of his workaholism. Later, I found myself, when dating and surficially exploring involvement with guys being non-committal myself, but dating more than one fellow, I would often decline an invitation by saying “I have to work tonight”, when I was actually going out with a different date.