Shelley asks: Four months before we were due to get married last January, my ex cancelled the wedding. He simultaneously pushed for us to get married and start trying for a baby straight away, while being very critical, looking for problems, and demanding certainty that it would all work out. I recognised that his actions didn’t match his words and that he wanted certainty before he would commit, showing that he didn’t know what commitment truly involves. We broke up and I feel that for whatever reason (I’m beyond caring), he faked a future with me.
Remembering that his problems are about him, I was taking time to heal and rebuild my confidence. I still had a way to go but felt I was on the right path. Then in January, my dad died suddenly and it threw me. I do OK with self-care including grief support groups but it’s not linear. My body tells me I’m stressed (bad skin, flaking nails, some mild hair loss) even if I think I’m doing OK on a day to day level.
I keep thinking I must be fully over the ex before getting into something new, but how do I know when I’m over it enough? We’re not in contact, nor do I want him back, but I’m still angry.
At 35, I really want kids and fear that I’m getting too old and that I’ll miss out while trying to get over my recent experiences. I fear that my distrust is going to put up a wall or send me into another unhealthy relationship. This is what kept me with the fiancé through 3 months of flip-flapping after we got engaged. That and I had committed and it took me that long to realise that the problem was he hadn’t.
I tell myself there is no race, but really there is. There will be a time when I can’t have kids and it is approaching. How do I calm that, focus on myself and make sure I’ve put myself back together enough that I can confidently go forward into the world of dating? How will I know when I’m ready? At the moment the thought of making another mistake is terrifying, which I know isn’t realistic. But I don’t want to go through more pain on top of all this.
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Life is a teacher and it loves to do it with ironic reflections.
The things that we dislike and that frustrate us in others, are things that we ourselves are guilty of in some guise.
Your ex-fiancé rushed, pushed and pressured you. He wanted everything yesterday and he wanted guarantees about the future. He simulated commitment by proposing and wanting to dive straight into trying for a baby, but the actions, mentality and attitude for commitment weren’t there. He had competing fears and beliefs undermining it.
Here’s the thing: You are now rushing, pushing and pressuring you. You also want it yesterday and on some level you want guarantees. You say you don’t want to go through more pain but there will be pain ahead, more so if you keep trying to avoid it.
And while you’re right that part of the problem was that he hadn’t committed, the other part was that you were trying to see through a commitment that was driven in part by your fear that this was the last chance saloon and also fearing trusting your judgement and revising your decision. As I explain in Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, yes of course we look more committed when the person we’re committed to is flip-flapping but committing to someone who is uncommitted no matter which way you slice it, is procrastination.
His flip-flapping masked your fear of making a solid decision about what you want and going for it.
You feel that he’s a Future Faker and your concern isn’t misplaced but if you acknowledge his internal pressure, you will see that it can cause people to enter into commitments without having the wherewithal to truly step up or follow through. He U-turned, which is incredibly frustrating and painful. He liked the idea of marriage and babies and the attendant image but on some level was terrified that he was too inadequate for it and was terrified of making a mistake.
Commitment involves making the decision to do something even though we don’t know all the ins and outs of what will be required along the way or even how it will work out. Commitment is an action and mentality. Sure, the decision itself is part of it, but it’s what comes next and every day after, that is the commitment.
When you commit to a partner, you commit to show up rain, hail or shine.
Your ex wanted assurances that it would only shine. It might even have been that if it did rain or hail, that you would be expected to fix it or shoulder the blame.
Fear about our commitments is natural but it comes down to whether we choose the fear or the love path. It also comes down to how committed we are. His fear was bigger than anything else and rather than facing that, he acted up so that he didn’t have to see through the commitment. He set himself up to fail.
It’s as if he wanted proof of commitment while simultaneously applying enough pressure and creating confusion that it would make it pretty tricky for you to do so. What if you’d gotten pregnant? Would he want assurances that the child would be perfect or that parenting would be easy, or that you would lose the baby weight quickly?
Months later, in the month that you would have originally been getting married, you experienced the sudden loss of your father. You not only have to contend with the grief of losing him and that white space that appears where you realise that this is it and you can’t have another conversation or see them again but you also have the grief of the loss of your relationship.
Shelley, you are putting you under an incredible amount of pressure. Grief isn’t linear and self-care is a huge part of it. It’s great that you’re receiving grief support and that you’re trying your best with self-care, but self-care is also about the thoughts that you feed you and the way that you treat you. Your body is crying out from trying to control ‘everything’ and the anxiety and fear.
You still have time. I have too many stories to tell on this but one of my favourite examples is a dear friend of mine who was in your relationship situation but for ten years. When she faced the fear that kept her in that relationship and took responsibility for her happiness by acknowledging that she hid her own fear of commitment behind his, she let him go at 38 and stopped letting her ego and old pain drive her life. Fully committed to her and having no idea what lay ahead or even if she would be able to become a mother, she met her now husband and their daughter arrived just before she turned 42.
My friend thought that her schedule was supposed to be ten years earlier and learned that she had no clue what the schedule was and that she had to trust and take care of herself.
Losing your father wasn’t scheduled, nor was having an engagement that didn’t pan out. But you’re here.
Let go of the plan, Shelley. Yes, want these things but stop inadvertently living your life as if they ‘should’ have happened yesterday or years ago. Believe me, I understand that there is only so much time in terms of having a baby although I have friends and readers who have had babies between 40-46, which incidentally was highly common when I was a child and before society was conditioned to believe that you’re only fertile at 16 but…., you will affect your physical health further plus you run the danger of panicking you into a bad commitment.
Forgive you for not acting sooner with your ex. Have compassion for the situation and recognise the guidance of this relationship, Focus on taking care of you so that you can trust life and your judgment more. You did the best you could and I can tell you from personal experience that part of the delay is feeling confused by the fact that you’ve been asked to get married in the first place and fear of how things will ‘look’.
Continue with the grief therapy, support your body by getting the help it needs whether that’s going down the medicine or alternative route, and give you time. When you stop rushing you, you can allow you to feel so that you can heal enough that you can move forward on the dating front. That does not have to take years. It could very easily take months if you commit to you no matter how rough it gets at times.
Have you had an engagement called off or been hit by a series of losses? Have you felt afraid of putting yourself out there while at the same time feeling afraid of missing out marriage or having a family? What would you suggest to Shelley?
Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email advicewednesdayAT baggagereclaim.com. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words.
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I went through the breakup of a relationship when I was almost 33 and had a lot of the same fears. I found that I had to face the fear and walk straight through it and accept the fact that I may never have children. I had to get comfortable with that and truly accept it. And I did. I was ok with however my life turned out. Now at 35 I’m getting married in the spring but there’s still no guarantee I’ll have kids. You never know what the future holds and having a partner is no guarantee you’ll have kids anyway. It takes as long as it takes and you’re on your own journey that isn’t going to look like anyone else’s. I know a lot of people who have started over in their 30’s and they are much happier now. You’ll be fine don’t worry bout running out of time because you’ll meet your partner when it’s the right time for both of you, not before then.
I consider it a blessing when someone loves me enough to accept my shoulder to lean on to help in processing sudden grief. I’m grateful when someone does that for me as well, especially when it’s offered without being asked. Kind gestures are actions that are so much stronger
than words. Tell me you love me–that’s nice. Show me you love me, that’s golden.
I appreciate this article so much. Just am ending a relationship and turned 38 this month. I’ve always dreamed of having a family and have the same anxiety and fear that it will never happen. I never wanted to raise a child with the men I’ve dated because they weren’t that great to me which should say something. I’ve been going on the right path and learning boundaries and getting better so your article gave me a renewed peace that I still do have time. Thank you.
I have definitely been struggling with grief for longer than I should. It can be really hard when someone does a U-Turn on you. No contract really helped me for a very long time. But we work together and so when I see him (like today) I have a really tough night.
Anyways, I have a job interview lined up for two weeks from now (unbelievable that it came about so quickly!). I don’t realy want to leave my workplace, but I can’t work with him around here and run into him.
I told him that last week via email after I rode the elevator with him and he was mean. Hadn’t spoken to him for nearly two years so I just asked if we were going to get to a good place again or just avoid each other at work indefinitely and he said nothing (in response to my email). He is so rude to me and like I said before, I have honestly done nothing to deserve it (other than break down to him two-years ago when he was ending things in a very mean way).
I feel like a real gentleman in this situation, having done everything he did to me, then breaking my heart and spending the last two years being a jackass to me in the hallway, he would offer to be the one to leave. But nope. Not even a single apology in all this time for all this pain.
And yet I can’t get over him?? Omg, someone slap me! This guys is the worst and I need out of these feelings! I pray to God that I get this job so I can put the final nail in this coffin, get well, and get on with my life!!
Amazing, rare and so true. You hammered it home to me, Natalie. THANKS from a full heart that is in the process of letting go and riding with the waves of life.
Hi Natalie Lue,
thanks for this wise article. I’m 35. I’m single. I was in a very toxic relationship with Narcissistic Flip-Flaping Future-Faking Fast-Forwarder. Few years ago I dumped him for good (and got replaced immediately!).
You know what is the hardest part for me? I’m not a super beauty and to be really honest I was never a popular girl. I met my ex-bf when I was in my 20s and he was the one and only guy who seemed to be interested in me. Unfortunately, he was aware of it, and constantly reminded me that he’s my ‘only chance’ for a relationship.
There was no one before him, no one after him in my life. Probably that’s why I was so easy to be manipulated by him, and yes, I was like an obedient dog, doing whatever he expected me to do to keep his ‘love’. I’d say that Beyonce sings about me in her song “Why don’t you love me?”.
Sure, I was never good enough. Not even close to his ideal.
I don’t regret I dumped him. I wish I could turn back time and never started this relationship.
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What makes my grieving long and painful is what you mentioned:
“Yes, you don’t want your ex, no, you’re not in touch with him, but he represents the hopes and expectations that you had for you. ”
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I want to say something here, and maybe some of you can relate… . The most painful grieving comes from being aware that there’s no queue of men standing on your doorstep, waiting for you. That heads don’t turn around when you walk down the street, that no one tries to flirt with you, that the only moment when you get any compliment is when you have a full make-up on your face, but you being ‘au naturel’ is invisible. You feel inner pain when you feel that no one wants you.AT ALL. Period.
Some women are very good looking or very extroverted and maybe have some other skills and abilities making their social life much more dynamic. I’m an introvert. I’m not a beauty. I’m not rich. I’m very communicative and other women tell me I’m very wise, but so what… .
For some reason other women (mostly in my mom’s age) like my company very much and like to talk with me.
For some reason men are highly disinterested in me.
So my ex-bf knew how to keep me ‘in clinch’.The fact that I know he knew I never had any other option or chance is excruciating. I admit, my mistake was, I tried to procrastinate this inevitable break-up. It was 5 years ago and I still feel awful. Not because of him. I don’t miss him. I feel awful because I feel unlovable and unattractive. I feel awful because I feel I have no control over it and I don’t know how to change it. I have NO clue.
The good things is, that thanks to your articles, I realized what went wrong in past, how to set boundaries and so on. Knowledge is power.
Hugs for all of you.
MaeMae
Hi MaeMae,
Your post put me in mind of something I came up with once during a period of dissatisfaction with my looks, in tribute to the Big Bang Theory I call it The Kelly Brook Hypothesis, it goes like this: Consider Kelly Brook; beautiful, amazing figure, reputedly nice, ultimately her lovelife has been no more successful than my own. If Kelly Brook cannot hold on to a man, then the fact that I do not look like Kelly Brook can have nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that I cannot hold on to one either ( I would feel confident in defining myself as nice). I used Kelly Brook as an example here because she is the one I came up with the theory in relation to but you could accurately substitute the names of a million beautiful, kind women. On the other hand you could turn the Kelly Brook hypothesis on its head; as I understand it she’s happily coupled up now which is lovely and I wish her well, but look at how long it took for her to reach that point, how many false starts she endured. I’m not a soothsayer, but nothing you wrote presented as a reason that you should not at some point meet the man who’s right for you and when you do I suspect that what you feel to be a lack of beauty/ the fact that you do not ( I infer) look like Kelly Brook will not have much of a bearing on the matter. All the best.
Thank you Eli. I agree with your Kelly Brook Hypothesis! I feel the same each time I think about Marilyn Monroe… If I could choose, I would love to look like her. On the other side- she was a very,very lonely and unloved person.
All the best to you too!
Mae Mae, I know what it feels like to be incapacitated in the aftermath of dealing with an AC. I was at one point literally on the floor.
But here’s the thing. You have to get up. If you learn to look at yourself and the world outside the narrow conventional tunnel vision many of us have been conditioned to constrain ourselves to, you will see that you are beautiful and rich.
Besides, most men aren’t after a Barbie clone. Stay well clear of those who do. I have lots of married friends who aren’t from the Melania Trump mould. Good men are attracted to the light inside you.
For an excellent pep talk, read Sol Le Wit’s letter to Eva Hesse when she was doubting her work. If you see yourself and your life as an evolving creative act, then the message applies. You can watch Benedict Cumberbatch read it here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VnSMIgsPj5M
“Good men are attracted to the light inside you.” – oh my God, this is beautiful!
Thank you for the link! I’ll definitely listen to this!
All the best to you!
Virtually all men & women dream of having a family. It is a society expectation, re-iterated all day through conversation, questions, commercials. Childless, at 44. Much of life is not within our control.
I too missed the chance to have children, single at 49. But I’ve accepted it. There’s more than one way to live a worthwhile life. Better to be alone than saddled with an ass.
“Better to be alone than saddled with an ass.” Amen!
I am coming (only recently unfortunately) to the realization that my marriage is in fact not really a marriage at all. My husband has had several emotional affairs (well really they are physical as well – he does everything but the actual act and I mean everything). The relationship that he is currently in for some reason seams to have woken me from my slumber of accepting this as ok. He has always told me that this was my fault for not meeting his needs. I tried. I tried with everything i have but I am just not enough. I also know something very disturbing as well. When he is seeing another woman, he is very kind and very willing to forgive my shortcomings. When things don’t work out with the other woman, he goes back to being this up and down emotional roller coaster that is furiously angry one minute then loving the next then cold and shut down after than. They yelling and the cruel words flow like a river again. But when he is again seeing someone else, he’s so sweet and thoughtful. Somehow he finds the power to control his mood swings. Which has led me to realize that I must be crazy to have put up with this all these years. What’s worse is that I realize that while the affairs hurt and cut deep in a way that feels like a death, I was so happy to get the kind words and tender hugs that I just allowed these affairs to happen to get the other version of him. I’m just so, so ashamed of me.
However now I find myself in the predicament of the person in this post only I am a lot worse off in regard to time. I’m 42. I have never had children (with the constant uncertainty of his changing moods and other women, i have never felt that it was safe). I was 26 when we met and 30 when we got married. I ignored all the signs that this would lead to disaster. I always thought one day it would get better and then i would have a baby. I now know that is never going to happen and I ruined my life. The pain that I feel is acute.
If there are no children in my future, i hope someone reads this and finds the courage to do what I did not.
Having children is a blessing mostly- but not always. There are parents who are grieving not so perfect family situations also. Some people are trapped in dysfunction; parents of sociopaths, drug addicts, paranoid schizophrenics, alcoholics, embezzlers, stalkers, etc. Some children are severely disabled physically or mentally, and are bullied, and the parents worry incessantly. There are other ungrateful children who never visit or appreciate their parents- they only take and take some more. Not every one that had kids has a perfect life. Look around and count those stories too- it helps me feel better.
That is a very good point indeed. I’ve known my share of people with all manner of issues in regard to their children. I’ll never know for sure but I’m fairly certain at least that not bringing children into this particular situation (as I was not ready to leave it) was a good thing.
Trish,
Let me tell you for certain that you absolutely did the right thing. No question. I guarantee you that he would have treated a child even worse than he treated you. Being abused in the formative years is awful and you couldn’t have stopped him from doing so.
I absolutely applaud you for having the intelligence, compassion, kindness and selflessness to realize that you were in a situation that would have been terrible for a child to grow up in.
And all the children “anon” blames for giving their parents grief are children of abusers. There are no bad children. Only bad parents who create dysfunctional kids via their own dysfunctional behaviour and the toxic environment they force their kids to grow up in.
I really appreciate your words Shawna. In this society you can often feel like a leper when you are a woman of a certain age and childless. I just wanted to do it right or not do it at all.
I’ve been beating myself up a lot over the last few weeks. I think it’s time to stop that and just be thankful that I’m on a new path now.
Shawna,
“And all the children “anon” blames for giving their parents grief are children of abusers. There are no bad children. Only bad parents who create dysfunctional kids via their own dysfunctional behaviour and the toxic environment they force their kids to grow up in.”
I didn’t get the impression Anon was blaming anyone.
I think we have to be careful making general statements like “all the children “anon” blames for giving their parents grief are children of abusers.” There are plenty of children (adult children included) out there that “give their parents grief” that are not from abusive families. There could be lots of reasons for it, they may have a chemical imbalance, for instance. That’s no one’s fault, and it can be very hard on the child and the parent.
I could not agree more, Veracity. It could be due to mental illness, drug abuse, outside influences, personality disorders, or simply poor choices on behalf of the children. I know of an adoptive Mom whose children have been in and out of the system even though she’s bent over backwards to provide them a stable upbringing, therapy, social services, brought them up in church, and given them scholastic resources as well. A lot of it has to do with trauma and deep-seated issues that happened before the kids came to live with her. These issues are extremely complex and can’t all be chalked up to poor parenting, although that can certainly be a factor
.
I realize that I’m stepping on a potential land mine here, but I feel that I have to respectfully disagree with this statement: “And all the children “anon” blames for giving their parents grief are children of abusers.” I would never wish for any child to grow up in an environment of abuse and I’ve seen and heard my fair share of horror stories, having worked in children’s services and other social work settings. Yes, abuse is rampant. Far more common than it should be, but the reasons kids have delinquent behaviors can’t all be chalked up to abusive home environments. Yes, it’s a factor, but not in every case. Some parents of kids who come into the facilities I’ve worked for are doing everything they can to save their kid from ruining their lives through their own bad choices. I’m not trying to minimize the issue of abuse, but I think it’s unfair to paint all parents of troubled youth with the same broad brush.
Absolutely!! We’re all brainwashed into a thinking that children = best thing in your life. It might be the truth, but doesn’t have to.
“And all the children “anon” blames for giving their parents grief are children of abusers.” – It’s not true. I know some good people who do have really horrible children. Everyone has a free will and may use it, even against their own parents.
My uncle and aunt are really good, moral people, and one of their daughters is a former ‘exotic dancer’ who married her pimp. Another aunt, who loves her children very much, was kicked out from her own house by her son & daughter-in-law. I know many similar cases.
I also know many situations where the parents were/are abusive/immoral and children are not.
So, there’s no rule.
I would also respectfully point out that you really don’t need a man to have kid’s in today’s world. Obviously, a two-parent home would be ideal, but being a single mother has really lost a lot of its stigma in today’s society. There are a lot of options out there for single women outside of a traditional two-parent family, such as IVF and adoption.
OP, In hindsight you’ll understand why you had to go through such a plight. Nat’s advice is spot on, as always. There really isn’t much you can do, besides taking care of You. The situation was above your control. The death of your father, your fianceé had to act up, it had to happen. My deep condolences to you. Maybe he wasn’t the man you were destined to die old with. Maybe you had to lose them to gain something else, we don’t know the reasons yet. Grab the lessons (if any) and run away with them. You are a work in progress.
It’s amazing how we tend to beat ourselves up when “plans don’t go according to OUR plans” I remember when I decided to end things with eum once and for all, after he had cheated AGAIN. How devastated I was to discover he was soon engaged to the OW right after he had future faked and promised to “change” prior to the breakup. I had so much rage and resentment thinking that “wow, this piece of scum was actually actually capable commiting to one woman?”questioning if he has really changed for HER and then spent weeks tearing myself into shreds pondering on what was it about ME that he couldn’t zip his pants up or commit to me. But I discovered three months in the engagement, eum was at it again doing what he’s notorious for, doing to her what he did to me. Cheating. Typical AC!
I’m not saying I was jumping for joy but at the same time I was relived because it reaffirmed that he hadn’t after all changed. My doubts about leaving him have been erased. I began to feel sorry for the woman engaged to that emotianally abusive man and since she was having his baby I felt even awful for the innocent baby that will be brought up in such toxicity. I realised the woman needed to join me on BR because honestly she’s as broken as I was. And it all started to add up for me, I found closure. So maybe my eum’s cheating was a blessing in disguise. I digress, my point is everything happens for a reason, we may not know the reason at that point in time OP but eventually it will reveal itself. It always does.
Best wishes and Stay strong everyone.
We are a nation that values hate, fear, lies, and the power of men. No matter what. Four years of grieving.
I cried myself to sleep last night. I’m so disappointed in my country.
Ironic here is the actual haters are those who support Clinton, who project onto good Americans the hate they feel– and intimidate and in turn falsely accuse good Americans who support the ideas of Trump and are sick of the criminals who think they are above the law: the current administration, and Clinton who murders (before her H became pres), and silences or intimidates the rape victims of her husband. Trump supporters, us deplorable people, are stereotyped/blanketed by the media as what Clinton supporters continually show themselves to be. No wonder the shock today, that so many kept quiet of their support so they are not beaten up, their cars keyed and egged by the “loving and non hateful” Clinton’s blind followers. WOW am I elated today, and excited for the future, and hope Clinton, and the entire Obama corrupt Justice department finds themselves indeed NOT above the law. I have been reading here for years, gained so very much from Nat and the commenters here, and am not at all a hater, of men or women of any race or religion. Peace.
obviously you do not know Trump that well…LOL America is in for a rude awaking! Who would have know that it’s going to be a reality show….LOL The Clinton’s aren’t perfect…but they are saints compared to Trump!!!!!!!!!!!! I live less than a mile from Trump…I Know his shit.
hi natalie, i’ve just gone through a long distance breakup and it’s hard. somehow i am not angry with him and don’t blame him for this, he initiated the breakup because his health was already not so good and has been getting worse – so he says it’s not fair on me and he cannot promise that he’ll be able to move over to where i am within the next 2-3 years. it feels like it’s harder to get over because i don’t feel any hate/anger for him. just a sense of sadness that love is not always enough. any thoughts on this?
This article came this perfect time for me. This past year I had multiple losses all compounded. I met my partner thru a a mutual friend and she sure is an AC/EUW (woman that is), proposed to me in a speed of light and we had our date setand things seemed to be okay except she was becoming very judgemental, short with me, and everything in between. I recently started my chemo therapy and I gained about 20lbs, due to the medication they had given me. One night my ex told me that she no longer find me attractive and it was that moment that I realized she was checked out and was having an affair with other women. ( she’s a doctor sadly, and uses her title to seduce women to sleep with her). I had my suspicion, but it didn’t made clear after we are broken up. She ended the engagement over lunch and moved on with another woman in less than 2 weeks. With me grieving the loss of this relationship ship, I have to also find strength to fight my disease and grieve the changes in my job. There are nights that I don’t know what to do but pray and read this site to find strength from all of youand Natalie.
I’ve been in NCfor 5 months And decided to block my ex and mutual friends as it is very difficult to move on when they have a hold of me. I’m trying to have to find it inside of me to forgive her, but I just don’t know how.
I’m in therapy and getting back on my feet, but my ex sent this text and it’s driving me crazy ” I do care about you, and I will not be speaking to anyone about you and this is the last you’ll hear from me”. This was after I had asked her to not contact me in any way. Sure, I could have ignored her txt, but I love her very much and the only way I can move on and let go is to never let her enter my life again…. nights are extra hard these days.
Thanks,
Louisa