I’ve had a number of emails and comments since I wrote about how dating several people at once is a sign of your own emotional unavailability and commitment resistance, naturally with some saying how wrong I am but with the others wanting my thoughts on using dating several people with a view to making the one person you do want bite the bait because you trigger desire, jealousy, and enough possessiveness that they effectively want to lock you down.
I’ll start first by re-emphasising the key word: dating.
Going on a date or two with several people at the same time is one thing but that is entirely different to dating several people at once.
If I go on a date or two with someone, we’ve been on a date or two. If you go beyond a few dates, you’re heading into the territory of actually dating them. If I’m dating someone, we are ‘seeing’ each other as in we are actively dating each other as in we are actively getting to know one another with a view to finding out if there is enough there to progress into a relationship.
How can you be dating several people at once?! How can you be dating several people at once without compromising your fact finding mission? Don’t you need to be near bullet proof to not become emotionally engaged on some level with them all, or at least some of them?
Then there’s the whole ‘I will date several people at once so that I can appear elusive and unattainable so that I trigger desire, jealousy, and possessiveness so that one steps up and commits’.
Picture this classic scenario that many a woman has faced when just dating one man at a time: You meet a Mr Unavailable. He’s quick out the gate, talking about the future, making you feel the centre of the universe, and convincing you of his interest. You fall for his charms and you start expecting, needing, and wanting in line with what he’s been putting out. Next thing you know, he starts blowing lukewarm or cold. When it becomes evident that he’s flip flapping and playing silly games, you do your best to move on and decide to start dating other people and maybe even meet someone special. Next thing you know, he’s blowing hot again, trying to convince you that you should give him another chance and he’ll be different this time. You take him back. A few days or weeks go by and slowly, he starts cooling off and creeping back to lukewarm. Nothing has changed. You talk to him and tell him that if he’s not going to step up to beat it. You do your best to get over him and start trying to date again. He calls and you’re out. He calls again. And again. He sends a couple of texts and he’s waiting for you when you get home. You think that he must be crazy about you because he’s going out of his mind with jealousy wondering who and what you’ve been doing. He starts spouting about how crazy he is about you, although he chooses his words carefully when he’s making his promises. You immediately agree to give him another chance. A few weeks later and you’re back to square one. And lather, rinse, repeat.
Would you be able to sustain a level of elusiveness to hold onto this man? At what point would you realise that this is not a man who is actually looking to commit?
Let me give you a few valuable pieces of advice:
A lot of people mistake the fact that they feel jealous and possessive about someone as signs that they must be crazy about them. You can be jealous and possessive about someone, not because you love them but because you feel out of control and responding to potentially also feeling rejected.
A lot of people also don’t know how to articulate what they feel. They mistake the sensations and emotions that surround being out of control in a situation as desire and act upon it and of course the moment that they feel they are back in control, the desire wanes.
Emotionally unavailable people, especially Mr Unavailables like the feeling of newness that you get at the beginning of the relationship and the moment that they think you want, need, or expect more than they are prepared to give (even if they promised it), they start blowing hot and cold. Each time they back off and come back, they get temporary newness, but they cannot manage something that is sustained.
That feeling of newness is created by the element of the unknown when they’re not entirely sure of whether they’ve ‘got’ you
With this in mind, be very careful of the games that you play in relationships like making yourself seem unattainable so that you can trigger their desire to commit. Why do you need to play games to provoke desire in a man and exactly how long are you going to play games for? How long can you sustain it? The women who tell me of their agony doing this find it incredibly difficult to sustain.
You become like a dog chasing its tail.
I can’t emphasise enough – if you don’t have great relationship habits, you haven’t worked out your boundaries and are good at living in line with them, you don’t know your values and tend to look for chemistry, ‘type’ and common interests, you tend to be words rather than actions focused, love and trust blindly, and oblivious to the danger of red flags – dating several people at once or trying to provoke commitment out of commitment shy men by appearing elusive is a messy, messy, messy, game.
If you have all of these things in check, you’re not likely to feel comfortable dating several people at once even if you do give it a try and you certainly won’t feel comfortable being uncertain about whether their interest is genuine and sustained or part of some game where they rely on blowing hot and cold and managing you with The Status Quo. By relying on uncertainty for dating success you may end up welcoming uncertainty into your relationship.
It’s the year 2010 – why are we, as women, do we still think we need to play games and trick men into commitment? Why are we still treating men like children who don’t know their own minds and who need to be cajoled like children eating carrots disguised as something else into dating?
Why is it OK for us to play games but feel disgusted by the games that men play to get laid and fool women?
If you’re comfortable playing games, you know what, knock yourself out because that’s part of your value system and if that’s what makes you happy and generates positive results for you, great.
But I see women and men struggle every day because of the games that people play and also because they themselves attempt to do things to provoke commitment and a reaction that are outside of their value system. They end up being unhappy, uncomfortable, and doing more damage to their sense of self. For these people, dating several people, whether it’s to avoid commitment, to keep their options open, or to provoke commitment out of someone, is messy. Period.
Picture this classic scenario that many a woman has faced when just dating one man at a time: You meet a Mr Unavailable. He’s quick out the gate, talking about the future, making you feel the centre of the universe, and convincing you of his interest. You fall for his charms and you start expecting, needing, and wanting in line with what he’s been putting out. Next thing you know, he starts blowing lukewarm or cold. When it becomes evident that he’s flip flapping and playing silly games, you do your best to move on and decide to start dating other people and maybe even meet someone special. Next thing you know, he’s blowing hot again, trying to convince you that you should give him another chance and he’ll be different this time. You take him back. A few days or weeks go by and slowly, he starts cooling off and creeping back to lukewarm. Nothing has changed. You talk to him and tell him that if he’s not going to step up to beat it. You do your best to get over him and start trying to date again. He calls and you’re out. He calls again. And again. He sends a couple of texts and he’s waiting for you when you get home. You think that he must be crazy about you because he’s going out of his mind with jealousy wondering who and what you’ve been doing. He starts spouting about how crazy he is about you, although he chooses his words carefully when he’s making his promises. You immediately agree to give him another chance. A few weeks later and you’re back to square one. And lather, rinse, repeat.
Would you be able to sustain a level of elusiveness to hold onto this man? At what point would you realise that this is not a man who is actually looking to commit?
Let me give you a few valuable pieces of advice:
A lot of people mistake the fact that they feel jealous and possessive about someone as signs that they must be crazy about them. You can be jealous and possessive about someone, not because you love them but because you feel out of control and responding to potentially also feeling rejected.
A lot of people also don’t know how to articulate what they feel. They mistake the sensations and emotions that surround being out of control in a situation as desire and act upon it and of course the moment that they feel they are back in control, the desire wanes.
Emotionally unavailable people, especially Mr Unavailables like the feeling of newness that you get at the beginning of the relationship and the moment that they think you want, need, or expect more than they are prepared to give (even if they promised it), they start blowing hot and cold. Each time they back off and come back, they get temporary newness, but they cannot manage something that is sustained.
That feeling of newness is created by the element of the unknown when they’re not entirely sure of whether they’ve ‘got’ you.
With this in mind, be very careful of the games that you play in relationships like making yourself seem unattainable so that you can trigger their desire to commit. Why do you need to play games to provoke desire in a man and exactly how long are you going to play games for? How long can you sustain it? The women who tell me of their agony doing this find it incredibly difficult to sustain.
You become like a dog chasing its tail.
I can’t emphasise enough – if you don’t have great relationship habits, you haven’t worked out your boundaries and are good at living in line with them, you don’t know your values and tend to look for chemistry, ‘type’ and common interests, you tend to be words rather than actions focused, love and trust blindly, and oblivious to the danger of red flags – dating several people at once or trying to provoke commitment out of commitment shy men by appearing elusive is a messy, messy, messy, game.
If you have all of these things in check, you’re not likely to feel comfortable dating several people at once even if you do give it a try and you certainly won’t feel comfortable being uncertain about whether their interest is genuine and sustained or part of some game where they rely on blowing hot and cold and managing you with The Status Quo. By relying on uncertainty for dating success you may end up welcoming uncertainty into your relationship.
It’s the year 2010 – why are we, as women, still thinking that we need to play games and trick men into commitment? Why are we still treating men like children who don’t know their own minds and who need to be cajoled like children eating carrots disguised as something else, into dating?
Why is it OK for us to play games but feel disgusted by the games that men play to get laid and fool women?
If you’re comfortable playing games, you know what, knock yourself out because that’s part of your value system and if that’s what makes you happy and generates positive results for you, great.
But I see women and men struggle every day because of the games that people play and also because they themselves attempt to do things to provoke commitment and a reaction that are outside of their value system. They end up being unhappy, uncomfortable, and doing more damage to their sense of self. For these people, dating several people, whether it’s to avoid commitment, to keep their options open, or to provoke commitment out of someone, is messy. Period.
Your thoughts?
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Great explanation Nat and great post, thank you 🙂
I hate games, things are complicated enough as they are, without adding a load of game playing in to the mix.
Oh boy do I know playing the elusive game well. Been there done that… it was exhausting. It worked too… only until he knew he had me again or I was responsive. Then bam, back to lukewarm or downright cold. It’s a painful game where one is seeking an unattainable love and committment and the other toying with it to get their needs met. The thing that gets me is, now there is another… a long distance girl he’s met… all his friends are now friends with her friends. It’s hard to fight the jealous feelings that maybe’s he’s decided he’s in love with her now and I just wasn’t the right one. She has a kid too… I just find it unbelievable and hard but my mind tells me he can’t just change so easily. I see I still need work to let this go and still craving validation from him that I wasn’t completely crazy. That he actually had some type of feelings for me!! Issues to work on still.
I couldn’t agree more with this post, NML. It’s a good reminder to all of us out here who think the ‘playing hard to get’ game works with men (or women) who don’t want to be got!
I also totally go with the ‘it’s just exhausting’, it is, so it is not actually sustainable for any length of time to be even remotely convincing!
If we are dealing with an EUM he really doesn”t want to be got – not full-time got! I stopped this tail chasing a long time ago. I realised that no matter how much I tried to be illusive or stand-off-ish in the hope of getting a reaction, he could always go one better! (in fact much more than one better) because they don’t care so much about the ‘relationship’ – so you can never ‘win’ with these people.
Whatever you imagine you can withhold, for however long you can withhold it, they are withholding everything – all of the time – fullstop. And you are not going to beat that.
So I gave up that game, because I understood that you can’t really fool the EUM into thinking you have lost interest in them anyway. If they suspect you may have, they come back, they suck it and see, and guess what? Lo and behold – hey presto! you are still interested!
It’s a waste of time and energy, they don’t believe you are not interested until you are not interested!
By which time, guess what? You’re not interested!
Thanks NML. A timely reminder that it’s a mug’s game.
Hello Natalie — This is an excellent piece to accompany your previous article on dating several people. I’m impressed by the overall information you offer here, and find it useful in discussions with some clients I work with as a psychotherapist.
Your site provides a sane approach to assessing, dealing with and healing from difficult relationships.
Best wishes for continued success.
Sadly, I have also played this game. I don’t think it was meant to be a game – I thought that by going out to dinner or lunch with other men I might be able to get over the one I loved.
Has anyone else ever been haunted by the song by the Bangles ‘Love the One You’re With’?
It didn’t work at all! Yes, I had nice meals out, great conversation and these were genuinely good men. Just not for me. I would come home lonelier and more determined more than ever, that the one I loved was the one.
So how did I get over it?
I stopped dating and decided to take control of my own life – career, future, while working on myself and learning how to be the right partner (thus attracting the right partner), and also work out exactly what I wanted – my values and expectations.
Now I am in a wonderful relationship – with the one I love – however we are both choosing to do things differently and taking responsibility for ourselves and each other – including ongoing education of how to be in a loving relationship.
I am beyond putting up an appearance of elusiveness to maintain a man. I don’t really care to date. I’ve devoted to living my life single if that’s the way it’s going to be.
I know plenty of women that date a lot of guys and juggle guys but they all seem to have one thing in common: they need attention from guys. This doesn’t make you elusive, it just makes you more sociable. What men call elusive I guess women call not giving a crap. I’ve pretty much reached this stage, i just don’t give a crap, which I guess makes me elusive.
It’s not that I’ve had very bad relationships – when I put it in perspective, the guys I’ve dated have really not been bad. They were not bad people. They were just….well, they had the positives and negatives that most men have.
I guess when it comes down to it, I am just tired of men. When I think about dating one, I just get mentally weary, I think of men at this point much the way I think of a chore. I just remember a lot of their flaws: like for example, my ex boyfriends tended to be obsessive and complain a lot when something doesn’t work out for them or when they are not doing well in their careers, but when something isnt going well in yours they expect you to suck it up. They never suck it up, they whine like babies and think that you’re the one that complains. They are critical of your physical flaws. For example, my ex-boyfriend always had hissy fits because I didn’t shave my legs every day. Needless to say, the more he voiced his criticism the less I shaved my legs. They can be unkempt about their appearance yet demanding about yours. They are sometimes selfish in bed. They tend to be more socially conservative and less open minded. They tend to do less around the house. They tend to be less talkative, less interesting, and more monosyllabic.
Of course there is a wide variety of men, and in a lot of ways men are even better, but that doesn’t make me any less tired. When I meet a new guy, it really doesn’t take a very long time for him to display one of these flaws. For example, the other day I was at a bar. There were three guys on either side of me. One of them started criticizing this girl’s appearance, the other one stuck his hand down his girlfriends pants, and the third knocked over a menu and didnt bother to pick it up while a waiter had to come from the other side of the room to service him. Needless to say, I just drank my drink and went home alone.
There are times when I’ve been more idealistic but that idealism is definitely shot for now. I don’t really overlook a guy’s flaws anymore just because I might be a little into him. I don’t fall in love easily. I just let it go and move on to the next thing, whether that’s another date or life as a single person.
Any advice for those of us that have no problem throwing guys aside. How do I grow some patience for men? They have so many annoying qualities it is painful to be around them sometimes. I know that there are good guys out there, but they are hard to find and even when you do find them, they can be very irritating nevertheless. I dont feel that I have the patience and serenity of a truly feminine woman, I definitely don’t put up with most things, which is probably why I’m single. Then again, I’m pretty happy single. This is confusing for me – because I want a relationship, but when it comes down to it, I don’t really want one all that much – after all, marriage shortens a woman’s lifespan and lengthens a man’s. And why should I have to put up with that?
NML, the part I have trouble with is wanting to be elusive or actually trigger jealousy. Jealousy should be a red flag, not a symbol of attachment.
Jealousy, wanting to keep you from others, is only another name for isolating you from friends, family, and other contact with the outside world.
Wouldn’t the alternative be to attempt to communicate? To discuss respect, honor, commitment, and why you want to build a shared life? I would think that anything else would risk misunderstandings – or introduce unhealthy behavior into the budding or hoped for relationship on both your parts. How is deceptive manipulation of a prospect all that different from cheating – spending time and attention with someone when someone else believes you are “seeing” them. Which also adds another challenge to dating multiple “prospects”. If a relationship takes a lifetime of devotion and attention to maintain (which I believe it does), then trying to divide all of your attention – which you have to do to be dating multiple people – cheats on one or more of them. And has you practicing “rationing” – that is, being unavailable, to a partner. Regardless of good intentions, how does practicing horrible character flaws undo itself because you later decide “This is the one. He let me manipulate and string him along until I ruled out the other relatively attractive prospects I have been spending time with. But I won’t do that anymore, even when I get bored or frustrated, or dissatisfied when things aren’t moving rapidly; when the adventure seems tame and mundane, and I remember the excitement of being with someone new, or just someone else. That won’t be a problem, I won’t fall back on past shenanigans when I should be concentrating on facing my own problems.”
New horse owners are advised on getting their horse, “Begin as you mean to go on.” Get into the good habits and discipline you intend to live by – from before the time you meet “the guy”. And remember that meeting him in a month or a year may depend on someone else’s recollection of your character and behavior today.
Anyway, that is my thought.
Brad K–
3 words: nothing is perfect.
There’s a lot of dodgy relationship advice out there – such as The Rules and Why Men Love Bitches. For sure, you can manipulate an EUM into chasing after you (intermittently), but you can’t manipulate him into love. Those books should be renamed “How to Drag out a Halfhearted Relationship beyond its Sellby Date” and “Act like someone you’re not to get a man to marry you so you can divorce him two years later because you realise he isn’t all that”.
Such books are useful for people who don’t have healthy boundaries and values to *pretend* they have boundaries and values. It works until they “relax” again and stop pretending.
Yikes. I own Why Men Love B—-es and Why Men Marry B—-es. 😐 (I haven’t read either of them in at least 2 years though, so they can keep collecting dust.)
It’s crazy how accurate that cycle is of Mr. Unavailables. Each and every time I got involved with one I thought maybe this was just my imagination. I’m not placing the blame all on them, I needed to grow as a person and so thankful I realized that. The topic you have on dating several people at once sometimes seems like the only solution when you aren’t aware of the unconscious beliefs/values, etc… that you have about yourself, you think you must be doing something wrong and if maybe I seem cool/aloof and unavailable I can put an end to the cycle of them being hot off the gate and eventually just losing interest when we expect, want or need anything. So glad there are people like you that have put a whole lot of insight into this, a big eye-opener.
Both this and the previous post are great, although there is an element in each that makes me uneasy. Both talk about dating strategies, which to me feels sort of like treating the symptoms of a disease, rather than curing it. If you are playing games with one person in the hopes of getting another’s attention, how is that better or different from the games an assclown has played with you? If you are dating several people to bulster your self-esteem, how is that different than the ego strokes assclowns are alway looking for? Even in my most insane moments with my ex assclown, I never resorted to game playing, because I knew that nothing that came from it would be real or sustainable. If you have to ignore him or make him jealous in order to illicit a reaction, how can you convince yourself its real? While I concede I was deluded or not embracing the full reality of my past situation, in that I wasn’t seeing him or the relationship for what it really was, I can honestly say I never played games. When he blew cold, I walked away and led my own life – I didn’t run out and start dating some guy, just to get the assclown’s attention.
This feels really sad to me. I know that in the post-breakup madness, we might cling to anything that makes us feel temporarily better, or allows us to stay invested or involved with our assclowns, even if they are long gone or moved on to the next girl. What I have learned, particularly with the help of your great post on beliefs, is that the crazier I feel, the more I know its the scared, hurt child within me that is screaming out, begging for attention and seeking validation. I finally regained my sanity when, in those moments, I stop caring about him and focus on helping and supporting me. I received the first email from my assclown in two months yesterday and, rather than it evoking some huge drama or derailing me, I just deleted it and said some kind things to myself.
I may not be ready to start dating again, because I still have alot of work to do on me, but when I am, I hope I don’t encounter people playing these types of games and, if I do, I will recognize them immediately for what they are and walk away.
Hi everyone,
Excellent post as usual and nice comments as well.
I have experienced this, both with me doing it and a male doing it to me. It was exhausting. Never again.
I am getting on well these days but I am going through a period of feeling ultra, ultra lonely. Its because my friends are either with their partners or busy. Things have changed in my life and its left me feeling – alone. Before I had a host of guys I was dating and would move on to the next quite quickly, it was a a nice distraction.
But now im in a man hiatus out of choice and my friends are not always there to entertain me. I am not that close with my family, althought I do spend a lot of time babysittting on the weekends now. I know your going to say it – get a hobby, I have hobbies I go to gym, I go to classes, I volunteer with a charity (although thats on a break atm), I have a an art project I’d love to start doing and I work 9 to 5 and I often stay late every day just to stretch it out. When im at home if im not doing gym I end up going to sleep really early and just feeling really lonely.
I keep telling myself that im just feeling sorry for my self, but when no one invites me anywhere and I am such a socialble person I end feeling like this. I have projects in my head that I think I should start doing but I just end up tinkin about them until its really late and I need to go to bed for work. I am sleeping was TOO much and just over analysing things in my head, avoiding creative ideas I have and not putting them into action.
I really dont wanna feel this way anymore, my ex is well and truly out of my life I changed my number because he kept bothering me, I do have links to his crowd of friends and I will bump into him again and I know i’ll be fine when it happens but I would like to go at least a week without thinking about the whole thing and my ex ex whom I left and when with this deutch bag for.
One things I have concluded is that whenever something is going right in my life whether it be education or a project or work I have usually had a boyfriend or family drama or friendship drama as a distraction and now I have sorted out these isssues I just feel down and alone. Instead of throwing myself into projects I am just sitting at home going to bed early thinking but never doing. I hate it!
Any advice?
what about single friends?
I have had those feelings of loneliness as well before but when you have a good group of friends (preferibly sigle ones) maybe one or two who you trust enough to share how you feel and hang out with definitely helps.
Even hanging out with your own family in those times of loneliness can help enormously. I sometimes go mall shopping with my mom and I have a good time with her and it keeps me from thinking that I am single.
Also another thing I have learned is you dont “have to” stay busy doing a bunch of activities and hobbies that if we are honest with ourselves sometimes dont even like doing. We are only using those things as distractions but not necessarily because we are passionate about.
SO try doing things that you genuinely enjoy doing because you really enjoyed doing them. If you are still feeling alone after doing those things maybe you are not feeling that passionate about them.
Feeling lonely Its part of the process., so when you feel lonely instead of trying to detract from it, process that feeling and stay positive and say things to yourself like: “Its ok to feel this way, I am doing the best I can for now and this too shall pass” Then call your closest friend and ask if she is free to hang out.
Pamper youself and in time you will definitely feel less and less lonely.
whilst it’s good to acknowledge how we feel and go and cry if we feel like it, it’s also good to get out and break state, by that I mean actively seek out new activities because they do provide a new distraction. Every time we do that it breaks that bond, the cycle of our thoughts going back to them and it really IS a cycle.
NK I am in exactly the same boat as you.Loneliness,like hunger, is a pain that comes from a very real need and the only way to appease that pain is to satisfy the need. It’s a bit like Maslowe’s hierarchy of needs.We clearly obsess on a need until we get it satisfied.Like you,I used to distract myself with all my boyfriends and now that I’m totally allergic to that scenario,there is a definite void.Days go by and my phone doesn’t ring and sometimes I feel really sorry for myself. And while I’d love to make a few new single friends because obviously I’d have more in common with them,the reality is that they are scarce on the ground.
So,I’ve joined a few activities that I enjoy.No new friends yet,it is actually a lot more difficult to make new friends than people realise.But,at least I’m working on it. That would be my advice to you.Do the things you enjoy doing and try to hook up more with existing friends and family. Try to plan about 2 activities a week and maybe build up from there.Try to stay positive,you never know what’s around the corner.
I do hear you and feel for you.Loneliness is a horrible feeling but remember nothing lasts forever. Best of luck.
Great post NML!
I think in some way or another most of us play these silly games when we like someone in hopes that they eventually settle down with us.
I stopped all the madness when I realized my own wrong doing as well. It is a life changing experience when you finally take responsability for your own bad dating habits. I have learned and changed my thinking and behaviour in a year its crazy, I am proud and happy. I notice the change in what kind of men are now attracted to me, Its a big improvement.
I received a text after 6 months of NC from the EX.AC. Mind you, 5 of those 6 months he managed to get into a “relationship” (if you can call it that) with another girl. Apparently they broke up and he thought that I would be super excited to know about him. I just had laugh!!! His text was a reassurance that assclowns dont change, he needs constant attention from a woman to feel better about himself. He has no life besides creating drama with women. What a boring useless life to have!!! I just feel sorry for his EX as I now the pain she is in right now. I lived it for almost a year and it damaged my self steem but thankfully I have recovered and I am back stronger than ever!! My boundaries and self steem are in place, I am me again!!
I am very thankful for the experience I gained with this turd as this was my ephiphany moment to change my dating habits. I am now 100% ready to date the right man!!
Keep them comming NML!!
Haha! The use of the word ‘turd’ in this comment is inspired. Made me laugh out loud.
I am also a reformed mutiple,simultaneous dater.In fact I was the queen of the multiple dating,game playing scenario with fellas buzzing around me like flies and all it ever got me was case loads of baggage.Natalie is right.It is messy.It is exhausting. I was constantly trying to manipulate some EUM into committing to me and it NEVER worked. As someone else said,they can always go one better.It’s like a petty thief tryiing to compete with the big gangsters.They’re way out of his league and they eat him up and spit him out.So it is with us and the EUMs.Years later I’m still being contacted by assclowns from my multiple dating days.These guys never change,they’re uncommitable flip flappers.And if we flip flap around with our multiple dating, we run the risk of ending up just as sad as them. Besides,I agree that it is disrespectful to date several people at once.Internet dating may portray it as ultra cool in this ultra disposable age but you know what,it’s just giving licence to bad manners.And bad manners suck,whether it’s 1910 or 2010.
Hi Natalie,
I have been reading your website now for a year and I love what you have to say. It always comes at the right time for dealing with my NC situation. Thanks so much for your website. I hope you continue!
Liz, Miami, FL
“Why are we still treating men like children who don’t know their own minds and who need to be cajoled like children eating carrots disguised as something else into dating?”
Wow. Great question. Never thought of it that way before.
It’d be nice to have company (or a warm spot in bed, let’s be real), but I’ve accepted the fact that I don’t know what I want. I just made a MAJOR move in my life. I’d rather not complicate things even more. It’s my belief that it’s best to just remain single rather than do all this stuff. Learn how to be alone. Believe me, sometimes it’s not that hard and it’s actually alright to be alone (GASP!).
Why not choose to believe in ‘love’?
When we change our thinking, this is the beginning of changing our lives!!
Nothing wrong with being single, however choose it for the right reasons.
Wishing you success in life and love
Hi NML,
You are right about this, as you have been about everything you write about to do with relationships.
Dating more than one person at the same time is confusing,it doesnt work well for the most part. To have somebody who really cares about you,and you care/love them is what I believe most women want from a relationship.
Dating is a very touchy subject for those of us recovering from bad relationships. It’s hard to know when you are really ready to get back on the horse. I keep asking whether I have learned enough, changed enough to really do better this time around. I would like to think I can now recognize an assclown at 100 paces and that I would have the strength, self-esteem and wisdom to walk away (I had actually been attracted to one guy for years and just recently saw all his red flags – he couldn’t have had more of them if he were wearing a suit made of red flags – so I guess that’s something).
A friend told me a great analogy for dating, post-assclown, that shows how we have to keep our illusions and hopes from ruling our hearts. A woman has a box of horse manure delivered to her door. “Great”, she thinks, “there must be a pony in there somewhere”, so she grabs a shovel and starts digging, only to discover a lot later that there was no pony. After reading this site religiously for few weeks, I hope I can now recognize a box of shit when its delivered to my door.
Bahaha! The comments on this post are comedic bliss. Thanks.
You have a very good, and very very wise, friend!
Remember, the apple that started the Trojan War was LABELLED the “Apple of DISCORD,” and that no one HAD to take it!
Likewise, at the end of that war, the Trojans did not have to take the “gift” of the horse!
You have another analogy here.
Also, the classic: if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and acts like a duck, it is NOT a SWAN, it’s an idiot DUCK!
Love the pony story…this is exactly how I feel!!! I keep looking for a pony in a box of crap, why??? Why can’t I get better at just seeing it as a box of crap? These guys aren’t worth the time or effort they demand yet I keep lining up to give it to them. The idea of dating more than one at a time is horrifying. Enuff games, Enuff drama. Enuff.
No more boxes of crap!!
NML,
Great post. A man who is genuinely interested in you is genuinely interested in you and you wont even have to get to the game playing level with them. AN EUM can never be caught for good and even if you do “catch” them temporarily you probably wont even want them as it was all about the chase. This sounds like common sense but I’m 27 and it’s taken me 27 years to get this!
I was EU myself due to many reasons which you have spoken about in your posts and for a long time was with a string of EUM until the epiphany relationship with one of the most professional ACs I have ever been with this Spring/Summer (26 days NC by the way!). It has taken me a long time to realize but I finally get it that Mr. Unavailable and Assclowns are mostly just so self centered, impulsive and usually somewhat disordered so that they cannot fully consider the feelings of others, the more you game play with them the more you confirm their belief that their behavior is acceptable. It is actually fueling their issues to play games with them. If more women did not play games with these poor souls they would probably straighten up. Women continue to game play and try to make them jealous because they are addicted to the drama and probably like I was are emotionally unavailable themselves or otherwise bored and unhappy in life. Much like drug addicts have enablers, we fallback girls and other ladies are actually aiding and abetting their assclownery. Truly, we must disengage from the games with these men. As you have stated before NML, I have noticed that once you stop playing games they are no longer interested. Furthermore, any emotion other than indifference we should have for these men is pity, pity because the true ACs will probably never have a full human experience.
Right now I’m spending time with a guy who is definitely not EU. He’s actually a psychologist and hes in to me and its amazing how patient he is, he doesn’t put pressure on me for anything, there is no pressure for sex, he isnt trying to get to know me quick or “Sweeping me off my feet” he has made it clear he likes me and wants to get to know me. It is the opposite of the whirlwind courtship of the EUM. I don’t know if things will work out but it’s good to know there are good guys out there and there is life after EUM! (even if thoughts of the ACs outrageous behavior cross mind).
Anyhow thanks NML your blog, book and a slow month of work plus some introspection have really helped me open my mind and get on the right path! Life truly is a self fulfilling prophecy we just have to open our eyes 🙂
Bottom line for men is they are always looking for that one beautiful woman fantasy love and in the meantime they still need to get laid. So they settle for whatever girl falls in their path (fallback girl) and in order to keep the list of emergency remedies available they check up on it from time to time (maintenance).
So if I want to volunteer for some man’s emergency on-call list, because I think I could fall in love with him or already have, well, that makes a sucker out of me.
A wise man once said,
Never make someone a priority while you are their option.
I mean, it would be different if that was your job and you were being paid well for it. Then he could all the ‘call-girls” he wanted, and you wouldn’t bat an eyelash. But these assclowns are cheap. Let’s face it girls, they want to bait you emotionally so they can eat at the restaurant for free.
Hi Natalie,
I have a baby father who was dating for 10 years, we break up and get back together frequently because of infidelities. Last year, I was caught cheating on him and he moved out. Since then, we have tried to salvage our “relationship”, but I see signs that he is dating other women. Since we have been back together, I know that he is living with his mother, but he will not give me his address, I found out that he has an additonal cell phone, which I think women call him on and he deleted and blocked me as a friend on Facebook..
I try to look at the positives of our relationship, he is a good provider and he is there for me and children.
When I bring up the issues that I have with secrecy, he tells me that “he will not get rid of the cell phone and he will not add me as a friend on Facebook.
As a read your blogs, the relationship seems very unhealthy and he is EUA guy outside of being a good provider.
I wanted your take on the issues, do you think I’m insecure and making assumptions?
Joan:
Insecure? Yes.
Making assumptions? No. If he had nothing to hide, he would have nothing to hide.
Jordine: wise words indeed. Thanks. Am glad you’re posting.
Jordine,
I recommend that you buy NML’s book Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback girl, read the articles on this site and also check out other books on EUM or Commitment Phobes. I think you will find a lot of (sometimes uncomfortable) articles that will respond to some of your questions or give you a new set of questions. In my case it was not always easy and I had to read things again and again and again for them to start to sink in. Best of luck!
I think that dating several people at once must involve some degree of dishonesty – or even cheating, unless they are all “consensual” open relationships. I mean, who would say this?
Sorry, darling, I can’t go out with you Saturday night because I have a date with another guy.
Besides all the issues already mentioned, it’s my opinion that lying – de facto or by omission – to a potential SO is the wrong way to start a relationship.
You’re spot on. I’ve never agreed so much with relationship advice before. You just described my last “relationship” to the T, and its actually helped. Thanks
playing with love will not bring any good to you. if you see love as a game, most probably you’re not worth it of that love.some people view love as a game and still struggling to find the right one.
thank you for this great information and i look forward for more informative posts coming from you.