We tend to feel baffled when a date or few that seemed so promising doesn’t progress to a relationship. I think this is especially so when we feel as if we were on The Best Date Ever TM or the person intimated or outright stated that they were looking for more with us. Something that causes many a person to ruminate is when the person seemed so great in the beginning. And then turned into a nightmare in the relationship. Or where the person promised the sun, moon, stars and a field full of commitment ponies, but wound up claiming that they weren’t over their ex. Perhaps they claimed that they’re ‘suddenly’ not ready for a relationship.
Sometimes us humans overestimate our interest and capacity for commitment. We like to believe that we are a certain type of person. We also want to believe that we can and will follow through.
But something that comes with increased maturity, integrity and responsibility is knowing ourselves, and so not being loose with words. Even if we feel a certain way and are excited, we understand that there are emotional consequences.
Expanding beyond intimate relationships, when we know and understand ourselves, we’re aware of our frailties. We know, for instance, if we’re someone who is very into something in the beginning, but then loses momentum or interest when it becomes harder. We know if we’re someone who makes and sticks to resolutions or are an abstainer or moderator. If we’ve become aware of inner pleaser, we might know that we overextend ourselves due to struggling with saying no.
The truth is, some of us are interested in our values, and some of us are committed.
Some are in a casual relationship with being ourselves, dipping in and out when it suits. And some of us are committed, continuing to strive to live up to our values long after the mood and the comfort we made the commitment in has passed.
When we’re in a casual relationship with our values, we might only want to be and do certain things when it’s convenient. It’s possible that we’ll swing where our mood is. We might claim values to fit in or because it seems like the ‘cool’ thing, but lack genuine interest and concern for them.
It’s easy to be interested and seemingly committed when we’re just starting out or when we’re unaware of what’s involved. Committed, however, is what we are when we take a step, any step, however imperfect it might be, and then we keep going. We keep on even though the initial high and resolve may have worn off. Even though we don’t know exactly how things will turn out or every step involved, we keep going anyway. We tweak and refine as we go.
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