Something many people struggle with is understanding why something isn’t working or why they don’t feel good. Despite doing all of the ‘right’ things or supposedly having what they want, like their ‘dream job’ or ‘perfect partner’, something feels off.
In order to feel good, we need to meet our emotional needs through our actions and choices. This only happens when we’re allowing us to be more of who we really are–we’re in alignment with our values.
When we, whether consciously or not, engage in habits of people-pleasing, perfectionism, overthinking, over-responsibility and overgiving, or we keep finding ourselves in repeats of unhealthy and unfulfilling situations like relationships with emotionally unavailable people, we’re out of alignment with our values and needs. And yes, this means that you are breaching your boundaries and over your bandwidth.
Here are some questions to help you figure out whether you are out of alignment with your values and needs. Use your journal to explore these, and endeavour to be as honest as possible.
With whom or in which areas of your life are you holding your tongue or holding back? No, you’re not going to say every last thing that passes through your mind. If you’re seething with resentment and frustration or always trying to find the perfect words or tiptoeing around others, though, you can’t be you. And you might say that it’s about being loving or not hurting feelings, but holding in this much hurts you.
When, where and with whom do you suppress and repress your feelings? Note: If you consistently avoid feeling your feelings or feeling ‘too much’, you are out of alignment. You’ve become disconnected from you.
Are there instances where you consistently say one thing and do another? Where are you not keeping your word? Or, do you tend to meet what you perceive as your obligations to others while routinely breaking your commitments to you?
Where are you busting your boundaries? Where do you say or show yes when what you really need or want to communicate is no?
If you tend to say yes automatically or because you’re afraid to say no, it’s impossible to be in alignment with your values and needs. You’re not being honest. Accepting the unacceptable, owning other people’s feelings and behaviour, and staying in situations long past their sell-by-date are incompatible with taking even moderate care of you.
Where aren’t you living by your values? Your values are your preferences, principles and priorities for living happily and authentically. They reflect what matters most to you. If how you live your life doesn’t reflect your character and the direction you want to take in life, something is off.
Where are you excessively emotionally reliant on others? Codependency, so not knowing where you end and others begin, and healthily meeting your needs are incompatible.
What are you hiding from? Is it possible that you’re hiding from your potential, purpose or taking the next step about something? e.g. Being in unavailable relationships, playing it small in your career, playing roles.
What are you pretending not to know already? Any time you make out like you don’t know what’s up, you’re doing you a disservice and stressing the hell out of your nervous system.
Who are you dimming your light for and why? Think about where you avoid conflict, criticism and rejection. Where do you play down who you are because you’re afraid of outshining or experiencing alienation and abandonment? Notice where you tend to revert to a child role, play roles within your interpersonal relationships or find yourself in variations of the same situation.
Why are you sabotaging and not allowing you to enjoy your truth and wholeness? It’s worth considering whether there’s a part of you that’s afraid to be happy or afraid of failure or success.
Emotions like anxiety, resentment, overwhelm, helplessness, powerlessness, guilt and feeling low are messages from your body that you need to take care by aligning with your needs and values.
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