The question of whether you’re ready to date again, is something that perplexes many people. I’d love to say that you bounce out of bed one day and it’s shazam, you just know and you then hurl yourself back out there without issue, but the truth is, you’ll only be able to judge your readiness when you’re already out there dating, or when you’re experiencing Dynasty levels of internal drama and angst without actually having done anything.
Relationships serve to teach us about ourselves and they’ll keep throwing you the same lessons until you heed them. The key in rising out of previous experiences and knocking any ‘mistakes’ on the head, is in the application going forward.
It becomes somewhat of a distraction to essentially try and get a Ph.D in dating, or playing Columbo on your exes, or trying to acquire a ‘perfect self’ to put out into the dating world. This is like becoming immersed in the theory and understanding it on an intellectual level and then instead of going out there and living it, applying, tweaking, gaining confidence out of the results and taking action, you think “Nah…I need to do some more study…and actually, truth be told, I think that my last chance saloon has gone.”
There’s 3 specific questions that you can ask of yourself to gauge your readiness, although you can ask more:
1) Have you cleaned out your relationship house? Over your ex, not shagging anyone else, not keeping track of exes and even brief dates on Facebook, not dialling and texting to collect attention, and certainly not hoping that one or more of your exes might spontaneously combust into being The Person You Want.
Your past relationships are firmly in the past.
It also means dealt or actively dealing with anything that you’ve realised through your interactions and introspection is affecting your ability to have healthy, mutual relationships and good self-esteem. Again, life is an ongoing journey so if you’re in a good place, even with previous issues say from childhood to deal with, this can be dealt with in the background to your life. However if any issues are front and centre and greatly affect you right now, impacting your ability to be honest with yourself or even with others, to be responsible, functioning etc, you can’t. You’ll need to focus on those – the truth is that getting laid or starting out on dates can wait – you can’t.
2) Do you at the very least like you and have a reasonable grasp on who you are? Liking and loving you is an ongoing process – these feelings need to be growing not receding. I knew I’d made progress when I told a guy to beat it after dating for a few weeks and instead of feeling like the sky might fall down or busting my own proverbial nuts, I wanted to high five myself. In fact, if I’m honest, in the 8 or 9 months before I met the boyf, I felt relief when I walked away from situations or it didn’t work out – experience had taught me that I just wasn’t that desperate to make anyone into a ‘prince’ when things were far from being ‘princely’.
When you like and love you, you’ll listen to and trust you, so you’ll be OK with paying attention to the feedback from your interactions and acting upon it. This isn’t to say you won’t feel disappointed if something doesn’t work out, but you’ll be real enough to recognise and accept why and see the blessing in disguise instead of saying “It started out so great and they promised me a future that didn’t materialise – why can’t they go back to being that person and give me what I want? Is it because I’m not good enough?“
Yep – you’ll know you’re ready when you don’t make other people’s behaviour and everything going on around you about you. What’s your actions is yours, and what’s theirs is theirs.
You’re not ready if you’re malleable – that’s still relying on people who aren’t in your life yet or have been around for a wet week to validate or even define who you are. You’re definitely not ready if you start changing yourself up – that says you don’t like and value who you actually are and are willing to offload yourself if you think it would seal the deal. You’re also definitely not ready if you take your boundaries out on a couple of dates and then start making exceptions.
3) Are you feeling desperate? If the current person or someone you haven’t even met yet feels like they have to be ‘the one’, or the thought of something not working out or getting what you perceive as rejection scares the crappola out of you, you need to take it down from a 10 to about a 5 – that’s just too much drama to carry around with you. If you feel attached to them or the idea of the relationship you’d like with them, before you’re really gone through the discovery process of dating, it’s actually a signal that you need to make a very concerted effort to stay in reality.
If you start dating and thoughts of your ex increase, you start falling apart, or you feel tortured by your fears, you’ve got two choices – gather yourself together, talk calmly and rationally to yourself, check your internal and external fears while cross referencing against code amber and red and listening to what your discomfort is about, or, step back from dating.
Just like you may discover that you’re ready to date when you find yourself accepting one, enjoying it or not even being too dented if it doesn’t shape up into anything, you also may discover that you’re not ready to date when you’ve been on a few dates. This is OK. Dating is a discovery phase – as well as discovering the facts about the other party and assimilating what the possibility is of moving forward into a relationship, you also discover things about yourself.
You’re ready when you’ll walk and not treat them like they’re irreplaceable and your whole dating future depends on them.
You’re ready when you’ll stay, not because you’re afraid that if you don’t you’ll have missed your last chance saloon or because you can’t bear the thought of being ‘alone’/having to start over, but because there are valid, positive, mutual reasons to stay.
I’ve said this before, but there’s no fire. It’s not to suggest that people are expendable or that dating is easy, but the fact is, unless you’re dating for dating’s sake, it defeats the purpose of dating, especially when you’re claiming you want a relationship, if you’re barely able to cope with going out on dates or are still living in the past, because you’re actually undermining your own chances.
There really isn’t very much point sitting around worrying about something that isn’t happening, might happen, or hasn’t even got a cat’s hope in hell of happening – if you’re going to be worried, at least do it based on reality.
But remember this – the fear you have about things that aren’t happening yet is based on the old you that didn’t have the knowledge that you have now. It’s bad enough when shady exes show up hoping that you’ll be the you they used to know – honour yourself and the lessons you’ve learned, and give yourself a chance to be you and apply yourself.
Your thoughts?
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My life is edited now. I edit a lot. I think about whether something is worth posting online, worth saying to someone, or worth doing. In the last 3 years (since I became pregnant and instantly became single, and have had a lovely daughter) I have indeed ‘dated’ – but I honestly think my motives were wrong.
So I have remained single, and not dated for a period of time now, and actually think this is my best current course of action. My life is beyond full. Working full time, raising a beautiful 2 year old, and this year I am buying a townhouse. I am just starting to find time for ‘me time’. I hardly have time to spend socially with friends (adults only stuff) let alone date.
But I don’t miss dating either.
I don’t have the time to spend that it takes to find and build a relationship.
I believe when I am ready, when I do have time to put into, when all the right ingredients come together, it will happen. I have no fear of that future.
But I am living in the now, and right now, I am happiest being single and not wasting my valuable time dating for the wrong purpose.
Wow…I just had to think. A happy single woman is the A** Clowns greatest curse and perhaps even greatest fear LOL. Good for you…you sound like you’re in a very healthy place.
metsgirl, yes I think it is certainly a repellent to EUs – when you have self-confidence there is nothing for them to use against you and no way for them to weasel into your world. Which is why I am fairly confident that when I do decide that I have time to build a real & emotionally healthy relationship, I will attract an emotionally healthy man. 🙂
This has actually been on my mind (well, on & off) for the past couple of weeks.
Oh dear. Maybe it’s time to test the waters? 😐
As always, good post. Perfect timing, it seems.
I needed that one today. Been questioning whether or not my self-imposed 4 month moratorium on dating (time to get over the last relationship) was necessary. I took your quiz and the answer is no, I’m not yet ready. Thanks for this.
Yes Jessica, I think I am right there with ya.. Its been 4 mths for me also and although I have made great progress with NC and trying to build my life again I dont think I am ready to date again.
Oh, Natalie. How do you know just what to say at the exact time I need to hear it? I feel like the last year I’ve been doing Baggage Reclaim you’ve become the best friend I’ve never met. Almost a year ago (!), I broke it off with my ex-EUM/AC/Narc. The relationship was short, but it proved to be my Waterloo. Come to find out, I discovered I didn’t love myself nearly enough, if at all. Through your words and the love of family and friends, I’m on the road to self-love and acceptance. As you say, as long as I’m on the path, there’s progress. Just this weekend, I took myself out to the pub for lunch and SAT AT THE BAR! Huge deal for me. It wasn’t long before a cute and affable guy engaged me in an hour long convo and got my #. While we hit it off, and seem to have much in common, will I be gutted if he doesn’t call? Drumroll, please…NO! It has been a revelation to finally feel as if I can put myself*my true, not-walking-on-eggshells* self out there, and let the chips fall where they may. I know that may change from day to day, but I will be patient, loving, and most of all, true to myself. Many thanks, NML.
A great post for the new year. I am sending it on to a lot of my single friends who need to get the message that panic and worry don’t help anything. Good things will happen to those who are patient and put their true selves out there!
I think single people need to embrace the fact that it is actually OKAY to be happy and content with your life as a single person.
That panic, that desperation to ‘couple up’ is what causes so many bad relationships that go nowhere.
Being a ‘couple’ is not the way to feel ‘complete’ in life. First you have to be a person who is 100% happy with yourself. Then when you realize you do not need a mate, that is when you will find a quality one.
Super post, Nat. I can relate to a lot of it, including feeling (along with the initial disappointment and anger) genuine pride in myself for getting out of the last relationship with very little fuss. It was a nice relief, knowing that I was looking after myself and that something more positive would feel the gap. I really felt like I knew this, that I could trust ‘the system’ (myself, the world etc).
I have been on a few dates lately, and while I am getting better at all this, and generally feeling on my own team, I have got some old stuff there, including an intense fear of feeling the desire to change someone in any way, so if, say, something is not quite right about someone, in my mind, I think ‘not right for me’, even to the point where I am almost forgetting that they’re still a separate person (and therefore there will always be things that are different or uncontrollable about them). Even me suggesting how to arrange their furniture makes me think I am trying to change them and therefore we’re not suited. I now have such a high standard now about what it means to get along and to be right for each other. It’s frustrating. I am more and more keen to ensconce myself in my work to avoid what I used to love – long spells of quality time with the person. I am exaggerating a little, but not hugely!
Another crappy tape in my head is that I need to be with someone of a certain intellectual and financial/career status – possibly so I can hide behind their glory! I am from that sort of background in which the man is the hero figure while whatever the (smart, talented) woman does, is a bonus. Again, exaggerating, but not hugely, I am afraid. I have a few really kind, gentle guys who are interested in me and who make me laugh and feel special, but then the anxiety about the fact that I am more ambitious and accomplished kicks in. I say this knowing that alpha guys can often want to compete with me, more than love me. But then I think, there must be some clever and kind guys out there, my brothers and male cousins are both these things…
Anyway, I will keep on going…Not all brushed up, but ready enough to try things out…
“I am from that sort of background in which the man is the hero figure while whatever the (smart, talented) woman does, is a bonus…”
Yup, me too Elle! I don’t have any good answers for this, since I’m most likely going to struggle with the same when I start dating. I think it’s okay to be drawn to the alpha males, it just can’t be an alpha male that’s also unavailable/a douchebag. As Nat says, if our type isn’t working for us, we need to branch out. I always thought, “Damn. I’m attracted to the alpha. No more alphas!” However, I was attracted to unavailable, assclown alphas. Whole different story right there! As you said to me, enjoy the interest and getting to know these guys – I have all the faith in the world that you’ll do just fine 🙂
p.s. I’m an interior designer, so I am ALWAYS telling people how to arrange their furniture. No shame in it haha!
How do you always know which part of my arse to kick into gear?
I feel good in myself (I really do! It’s ACE!) but I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m not as good in real life as I am in my head, I’m scared that I’ll always be able to find enough excuses not to get out and about and, most of all, I’m scared that I don’t actually know how to go about it.
So far, my entire dating technique has been as follows: 1) Go to party or pub 2) Drink enough to overcome shyness/sense of personal dignity 3) Snog random dude who is drunk enough to find me attractive and keeps me vaguely interested in his conversation 4) Sleep with dude, either on occasion or next time I see him 5) Fall hopelessly in love with said dude and suffer or else dismiss, lather, rinse and repeat.
And then I wonder why it’s never worked out all that well?! Duh!
That’s the way that everyone seemed to do it when I was 19 and I’ve not really been single/not hung up on an EUM/not pregnant all that much since. I know about the theory of dating, it’s just that it never seemed to happen to me and it’s too easy to fall into the trap of thinking “Well, that’s because I’m not good enough to date or actually spend time or money on” when, actually, that’s the way that I’ve CHOSEN to conduct myself and my relationships.
I live in a smallish, difficult-to-escape place where the main pass-time does seem to be drinking (or outdoor pursuits. Ugh. Ugh) so I’m not sure exactly where to go to meet nice sober people and actually get to talk to them. BUT I am undeterred, I will start with pubs, not drink and keep my ear to the ground for clues. In all honesty, I would like some nice new friends as much as – if not more than – anything else, one side-effect of feeling good seems to be that you want other people around to bounce it off.
Rightio, plan of action in place. Thanks 🙂
Yoghurt, I do the exact same thing!! and I too wondered where I was going wrong…..It’s just so obvious now! But I’m praising myself for recognising it as this is the first step to making a positive change 🙂 I am definitely ready to date again, I’ve just got to keep being aware and positive about myself!
Really hadn’t thought about it for awhile and certainly not with anyone I know right now. I’m sad to say there are so many Red Flags blowin in the wind with all of them that its scary. I’ve decided that I won’t settle just to have someone in my life, I like my life just as it is now but if I ever get around to it I’m well prepared thanks to Nat & BR.
Mary C, I’m with you. Anyone I get involved with now has to be someone truly worth my time and energy. I’d rather be reading a great book, singing or watching a movie I love than tolerating less-than behavior from a man. Walk on by ’cause I’m not that woman anymore…
Amazing post, as always. It’s 100% true…once you are finally able to internalize NMLs words, it’s impossible to go back to your old self. My personal BS meter is finely tuned and I am absolutely me…good, bad, ugly, great…ME. For the first time in my life, I am able to check myself when I feel nervous/anxious/overwhelmed with dating. This has made all the difference in my current relationship and I cannot thank you enough, NML. God bless you.
How true that is…once you truly understand the truth it’s near impossible to go back to the fantasy. I find myself looking back at the past and all the sh++ty behavior I accepted and wonder what I was ever thinking. Best of everything to you!
About a year ago, a much younger man ( he is 41 to my 58 ) wandered into my life. At the time, he and his female partner had just been employed as Residence Managers at the condominium complex where I live. When I was in the midst of a massive redecorating project, he voluntarily stepped up to the plate to help with the painting when my own painter went missing-in-action. And our friendship began.
Now, keep in mind that because of our age difference, I was pretty much convinced that friendship was all this was ever going to be. But there were times, over shared cups of coffee in my kitchen, ( to which he had invited himself – I respected the fact that he was in a relationship ) that a little voice inside me noticed how much this felt like a good, old-fashioned courtship.
About three months after I met him, his partner decided that she didn’t like the job and told him that she would be leaving him. She cited irreconcilable differences to any and all who offered a sympathetic ear. Understandably, he was bereft and he sought solace and advice from this “wiser” older woman. Natalie, that would be the “armchair psychologist” role to which you so often refer.
Having just had some first-hand experience with loss and grief, ( the death of my husband three years ago ) I was more than happy to step up to the plate. ( In other words, my ego got in the way. ) He came for countless dinners once his shift was ended for the day, and when he was relocated to another complex, I even helped him pack up and move.
In hindsight, I realize that I pretty much went over and above the “call of duty”, whatever that means, with respect to this man.
I am profoundly grateful for the fact that this “relationship” never advanced beyond the platonic stage. Nonetheless, it bore all the hallmarks of the assclown’s dance.
Have I gone No Contact ? You bet I have . . . and it was the easiest thing that I’ve ever done. The sense of relief that I felt was absolutely palpable.
Do I think that I’m ready to date again ? Let’s just say that I’m a lot more ready than I was a mere six months ago. I credit my little hands-on crash course in assclownery and THIS Website for putting me more solidly in touch with ME . . . and what I will and won’t put up with in the future.
Great post! I know I am now ready to get back out there and date because I tried to do just that. I expressed interest in a guy that I had had a crush on for quite a while. He is funny, cute, and seems like a good person. But he never called me. He would purposely meet up with me every couple of weeks while out on the town and express interest himself, but never followed up. Even though friends attempted to persuade me that he really does like me but was “scared” of me, I begged to differ. I don’t think I’m scary to anyone except those who know they couldn’t get their shit past me. If he wasn’t going to act like a grown up and treat me like a grown up, I wasn’t going to regress into my very, very early 20’s just to appease him. A couple of weeks ago he told a completely inappropriate story in front of me, and I asked him later why he would say something like that in front of me if he was interested in actually dating me. He got pissed and left. And I didn’t feel bad at all, because now I have my answer. That may not have been “nice” and “cool” of me, but I’ve finally realized that trying to be that “nice, cool” girl person has gotten me no where but f*#&ed up.. So cheers to me, because I’m ready to finally EFFECTIVELY weed through the wild world of dating. And cheers to everyone else trying to do the same! It happened! It finally happened!
Great post, however I find that while I know I am ready to date – no one asks me out…and I don’t see anyone around I would want to ask out – I wonder where they are hiding!?!
Hi again, Natalie. I almost SAD reading this article because I see how UN-prepared I am and feel I ever will be to REALLY “date.” I never get over my ex’s. In fact, the only way I stop obsessing about one, is to starting obsessing about another (all unavailable, of course). And I even simultaneously obsess over them at times!! Sometimes I feel I don’t have one scrap of healthy relationship behavior, and that’s all I seem to attract too. I don’t know if I’d recognize a normal, available man without a ton of issues if he were right in front of me.
I obsess over someone when I start dating them and scrutinize everything to the point where I blow it. It actually feels worse when I start dating than when I am not, because I am sure I will blow it. But I really want to date someone and hate being alone.
Stay single darling. Learn to love yourself, find happiness with yourself in life without a man in it. When you do that, however long it takes things will all look different in the world.
You obsess over a man because you believe he is “the thing that defines your worth” but once you finally feel self worth without a man, and feel happy and confident in your life without a man, you will be a whole new and different woman. You won’t obsess about a man anymore.
A man should be a wonderful accessory (like a perfect pair of shoes) to your all ready fabulous life… he can never be your whole outfit.
I’ve been making it a point to go somewhere each week, either alone or with a girlfriend to hear music or have drinks. Talked to some strangers and to some local aquaintances – but no one has sparked my interest for an actual date (yet). Will expand the types of places I go.
I went on one date and was so utterly dissappointed that I called my X the very next day – broke 8 weeks of No Contact just before Christmas. Me and X talked on phone about once a week, and even though he is in town, and lives down the street, he made only one attempt to see me – we talked, yes..Kissed, but did not have sex. Oh, by the way, he is moving in with the woman he cheated on me with… so I am upset, and have to deal and balance all that in myself. I would have been much better on complete No Contact without knowing or caring… But now am in No Contact again and staying this time.
Went on a couple internet dates from Plenty of Fish, and have been dating one Very Quiet Gentleman… maybe this Saturday is date #6. He is totally opposite of my X, and for that I am grateful and did not dismiss this person. I’ve had no desire for kissing or sex with him (lack of chemistry?) and yes, am concerned about this, but it could happen… he does have a nice body, and more than that: He is not useing me for his sexual needs and has not tried. He has a cool dog and when the weather is better (snowing now) I look forward to walking the dog with him.
I think I prefer meeting my dates in person and not on internet, because I think I will be dissappointed by over 50% no, lets say 99%. I have a friend who folk dances a lot, and going to go to a few of those. I’m joining a new mixed choir in couple of weeks….
I do know that I don’t get any dates at work, or by doing my regular chores, so I must get myself out there… where the people are. After my breakup before my current X, I did not date anyone for 5 years. I do not want to wait that long.
Hi Nat and thank you.
I thought I was ready this summer and began dating someone around my age–he was 53. After the first date I thought he was great but the jury was out, thankfully, because after the third date he asked me to go for a weekend to the beach–which I promptly declined. My gf’s said, “Why did you say No?” which was shocking to me!! I want someone to actually KNOW who I am before he asks me to spend a weekend with him. How do you know someone after 3 dates??
My point as it relates to your post is that when you are ready to date again, be ready to be aware of the red flags and pay attention to them. After my experience with this guy, I took myself off the market and I decided to concentrate on the happiness that comes with being in my most important relationship: the one with myself.
I’ve been dating someone for almost 6 months now. We have moments of closeness and laughing together, then a sudden and unpredictable awkwardness between us that I don’t understand. I go from feeling really good to confused. I still feel unsure about dating timelines though, and I know this is somewhat dependent on the two people involved, but I wonder if my expectations are out of whack and contributing to my confusion. I also don’t want to just put my expectations in the back seat. I have either been future faked or kept at a distance in my past relationships so I am at a loss at what normal progression is. Although we have established the boyfriend/girlfriend title, I feel like I never know when we are going to see each other next. I like knowing I have plans coming up on weekends (not always last minute)….it doesn’t have to be completely rigid, but I feel better when I know that at least we are doing something together. We do hang out, its not like he ditches me frequently….I just never know when. For me, this is one of the reasons I want to be in a relationship……doing stuff together consistently. Sure, it doesn’t have to be the law and set in stone every single weekend…but when is it okay to have this kind of expectation? My ex AC used to pull this shit on me all the time, to the point that every weekend was a source of stress for me, so I may be a bit sensitive to it. I do feel ready to date and enjoy it, but I feel a cross roads looming. What is normal in new relationship expectations? Why does it make me feel needy to want plans sooner than a few hours in advance? Why do I need that security? I tell myself that it is normal to want this, but when I brought it up once it turned into a really awkward conversation and I felt like he missed the point.
jenny
hmmm. Of all the things that were wrong with my relationship with the playa, the no.1 thing that REALLY bugged me was the last minute arrangements. And no, it’s not normal. I’ve had a few boyfriends of varying shades of EU-ness and he was the only one who consistently did that (I suppose he was consistently inconsistent at least).
I got a last minute invite from someone at church last week which I had to turn down. When I saw him again, he came up to me and apologised for only inviting me last minute. Again, another indication that this is NOT normal.
But whether it’s normal or not, the main thing is that YOU don’t like it and HE isn’t willing to accommodate.
It’s not needy to want more than a few hours notice. It’s good manners. Fair enough if he suddenly gets free tickets to a fantastic event but if he’s doing it all the time I call disrespect.
And trying to get them to change doesn’t work. I tried EVERYTHING (and I am quite smart and good at reading people!) to get the playa to give me notice. Zero success.
I guess the bottom line is – do you accept it or walk away?
Jenny my last two Eu’s did the same thing. Rarely was our time together planned in advance. I did not like it and like Grace said no matter what I did, they wouldnt change. I went along with it because I had the ‘girlfriend’ title but it didnt feel good at all. One would get a little angry if I brought up that I wanted advanced plans to be together.
jennynic,
reading your story brought back the AC dance of my last relationship and how I felt then- anxious.
There was so much good and even commitment on offer and then in contrast him behaving in ways that made me doubt all the good stuff. Very confusing and stressfull. The good stuff blinded me to the rest because I wanted that relationship to work out. I used to explain to myself that I am oversensitive because of my previous relationship experiences. With benefit of hindsite – not true, I was reacting to what was in front of me. I also tried to express my needs, but he said/showed me I was too needy so I backed off. I wish I just got over my fear of him rejecting me and my needs and the fear of that relationship ending and just simply said what I wanted. I didn`t, I was having doubts if I am reasonable or not, in fact I felt not good enough to deserve a good relationship. He would have bailed if I stated my needs because he only wanted a relationship on his terms, which involved me playing second fiddle to alcohol and us both pretending it is normal so he could stay in his denial, and also him acting like he was single when it suited him and me being his soulmate in the reminder of the time . Like Yankeebelle above said, let the chips fall and see what happens. They will either be in or out – that is with behaviour and words. I`m sorry to say, I think he is blowing hot and cold, doing the pushy-pully game, doesn`t want to even hear what it is you want and it is very normal to want to make plans with your boyfriend in advance – last minute is not on from the very beginning of dating. You feel insecure and want the security of making plans earlier because he is making you feel insecure- deepdown you “know” it should be different but he is refusing to acknowledge it. It`s a passive -agressive response. Maybe have a talk with him and let those chips fall?
The last minute things bugs me quite a bit too.
One time with my exAC I actually felt I was being ‘bootie called’ by him (and we were in a titled relationship)…I was at home, in my PJs chilling out and he was IMing me begging to me to ‘come over’..it was 8pm in the evening and his house was an hour and a half plus commute for me. Plus it was dark, I had work to catch up on, no money to even get a bus ticket…he was like ‘Oh please, we can have a night in..if you’re lucky I might even have sex with you’. Vomit. What happened to his legs? Why couldn’t he make the hour and a half commute to see me if he were that desperate for my company? You almost have to laugh. It was either that or he’d harp on about plans and ideas that he had for us that often wouldn’t materialize sometimes at the last minute.
I know there’s such a thing as spontaneity and that’s fine but sometimes especially for me-> I require a bit of notice. I have other responsibilities and obligations in my life.
It is normal to want what you want jennynic..plus it’s nice to spend the day looking forward to spending some time doing something nice with the special person in your life..figuring out what you might wear, having a nice bath..all the prep and anticipation. It’s an aspect of what makes a relationship enjoyable.
Sit and have a talk with him. If he won’t respect..walk.
Jenny, I’m going to add my voice to the chorus of other women here who have experienced the phenomenon of last-minute plans. The younger man who befriended me over the course of the last six months was notorious for doing exactly the same thing. It used to make me incredibly antsy and uncomfortable because I never knew when or if that phone call was going to come. I felt a bit like a sentry on guard duty. I always had to be ready, just in case. He used to “tease” me about not being spontaneous enough and one time, when he showed up unannounced, he complained bitterly and quite vocally about how long it was taking me to get ready. That was one of the primary reasons ( in addition to a supporting cast of others ) that I finally made the decision to go No Contact. I could no longer stand the feeling of being “on hold” in the remote event that I would be summoned to spend some time with him. When I stop to consider it now, with the benefit of that 20/20 hindsight, he was abysmal at making long-term plans in ALL areas of his life. And it’s beginning to catch up with him in terms of occupational prospects and other more ordinary facets of life. Many of his day-to-day responsibilities get neglected in his frenetic pursuit of short-term ego strokes. I’d had enough. And life is peaceful again.
Hmmmm. Yes, me too – same prob with the ex EUM.
I’m not sure I’ve ever had a healthy relationship, so I actually don’t really know what ‘ingredients’ would work for the now 43 year old me!
But what I have discovered is that while the EUM’s last-minute planning was hugely irritating in a boyfriend, it’s actually quite tolerable in a friend – which is all he is now.
And like any other friend of mine, he gets a ‘No thanks’ if it’s not convenient for me, and I don’t give it a second thought.
Sometimes a bit of spontanaeity is nice, but sometimes it’s a pain.
Why yes I am! In fact, had a friend text today and tell me she has someone she wants to set me up with. I felt excitement and even called her later with questions about him. I don’t know what will happen, as I tell my kids when they ask me questions about what will be, “I’m not a fortune teller”, but I’m looking forward to at least the company of a man and the thrill of the possibility of a “first date”. I almost feel like a teenager again, renewed, rejuvenated, and (almost) baggage free!
Lo J – let me know how the blind date works out. LOL
My very good friend, she seems desperate for me to meet someone. She prayed I would meet someone. Then on December 22nd she called me all in a major tizzy, proclaiming that she had found my “future husband” for me. She went on about how he was so fabulous that if she weren’t married she’d marry him. It was very off putting how she acted. She also had omitted telling him I have a 2 year old.
Being in the state of mind that I am – I don’t want to waste my free time meeting someone. She knows this. But after her ‘selling’ this guy I reluctantly agreed that – if she told him I have a toddler, and he was still interested – she could invite him on the 23rd to her Christmas Eve-Eve party.
However I told her, the intent of the party was for all of us to exchange gifts and give presents to all our kids – and I was not going to act any differently from how I would if she didn’t invite this man.
When I got there, and took a look at this guy, I immediately thought – not ever going to happen. Not at all someone I would find attractive, not just physically but how he dressed and presented himself. So I didn’t spend much time even speaking to the man, because I figured why give him the impression I was interested. Every time I came near him my friend was attempting to get us to sit together, and trying to show me our common interests by starting up conversations, ‘so-in-so your mother was blah blah’…
I just spent the night playing with the kids and chatting a bit with one of our good friends, who was moving 5 hours away and it was our last chance to hang out.
It was an uncomfortable evening because of it all. A big mistake. I actually feel a little insulted that my supposedly good friend thinks that man is what I deserve. It also appears that my good friend is now not speaking to me. *Shakes head*
So I hope your experience is better.
Uggghhhh…Barbara, I have been there. I know what it’s like to think, “She thinks this is the best I can do?!”. I felt badly and didn’t want to be disrespectful or mean, but it was a no-go. However, I did feel less guilty when it came to light that she knew he was still madly in love with an ex. Ahem. Have you gotten guilted at all? I got yelled at like an errant toddler! Anyway, I said, “I know you mean well and I really appreciate you thinking of me, but I’m not looking to be set up right now.”. Feel free to use that verbatim should the need arise 😉
Makes me remember my former “best friend” who had very strong narcissistic traits herself and who set me up with some of the most toxic losers I ever met. And she wanted me to be eternally grateful for her “generous support”!
I’m glad those days are over. The memories are still somewhat painful, though.
I hope your friends were just stupid by trying to set you up with such guys (“madly in love with an ex” – oh my!) , not as cunning as this woman was.
In any case, you don’t need to feel guilty AT ALL. It’s a lesson I had to learn as well.
Oh EllyB, I really feel for you. It can be so, so painful. If it makes you feel any better, my friend told me that she was “taking control of my love life” and had her fiancee conferenced in at the time. Seriously. She has a very chronic case of “I KNOW BETTER!” Syndrome and I’ve had to speak with her about it, which luckily has worked very well. I’m with you lady – no more set-ups please!!
Hmmm, Barbara. Sounds like an uncomfortable evening. However, I doubt he had unrealistic expectations. A conversation with him did not mean you were interested, a future date, or a marriage proposal. You could have told your friend when she was butting in, “I’ve got this”, and continued on with him. He could have been a very interesting person to talk to. Nothing else. Could have made a good friend. Maybe, he could have been your future husband. You never know.
Sometimes, we take life WAY too serious. Just some food for thought.
With all due respect, I’m with Barbara there. As this guy was apparently aware of the setup, and she wasn’t interested, I think she couldn’t have done any better. Maybe her behavior seemed a bit rude, but in my book anything is better than giving someone false hopes while feeling secretly uncomfortable. The latter would be typical EU behavior.
If he had been a person she just met by chance (with no “setup background”), it would have been a completely different story. Of course, in such a case a chat with him would have been conflict-free!
Anyway, I believe being “pushed” into a setup is always tricky, especially if the friend is trying to guilt-trip you afterwards! To me, this is a clear overstepping of boundaries, even if the intentions might have been good.
I would accept a setup only if I asked for it myself and if I felt truly ready to date. I think Barbara’s problem in part was that she wasn’t even looking for a date in the first place. I agree with Natalie’s that we need to be in the right place emotionally before we should date (or even look for dates). It doesn’t change a thing whether it’s a setup or initiated by ourselves.
And even if I felt ready, I would remind my friends that I was only looking for dates – and didn’t expect to find “my future husband” at the first occasion.
Ahhhh Lo J, I know what you mean, so I’m going to go ahead a butt in haha! Speaking personally, what makes it uncomfortable is when the person who is trying to set me up is putting huge expecations on the whole thing and then I feel super awkward.
I like to take the whole, “Well, at the very least, maybe I made a new friend” route too even if I’m not attracted to the guy. The problem comes in when I’ve had a pleasant convo and my friend is shrieking down the phone that he’s my soulmate, so why don’t I want to go on a double date with him, her and her fiance?! Oy vey. The worst of it is that I feel like a jerk sitting on the phone saying to my friend, “No, no I wasn’t attracted to him.” He very well may not have been attracted to me! To sum the whole thing up: AWKWARD.
p.s. Barbara, somehow I missed the last bit about your friend not speaking to you. Been there! Now I refuse all set-ups.
I don’t think I took it too serious. My friend did.
Frankly, yes maybe he was a nice guy, who knows, but point is I am not looking. Point is he was not at all someone I would consider dating. My friend tried to convince me (at the party) that if I chatted with him I’d change my mind, but I have never been physically completely unattracted to a man, that won me over with his personality enough to date him. That is the friend zone.
I don’t know about his intentions but he had balls enough to come to a very *personal* party to meet me. It was a party that included, my married friends and their kids. A total of 7 adults (3 couples and me) and 5 kids… on Christmas Eve-Eve. So clearly he was hopeful or desperate enough to come to that environment in hopes of meeting a single woman.
My friend had only just met him the day before, and talked with him during an hour long ambulance ride (they work in the health care profession) – SHE and him hit it off. It was at some point in the conversation that he asked if she had any single friends.
SO even if I seemed impolite, I was not rude, just clearly showed my lack of interest, and it was warranted – I think. It was not like this was a big busy house full of people, this was an intimate social event for a few close friends. I regret agreeing to allow her to invite him.
She might be pissed at me for the situation, and that might be why she is avoiding me. Or maybe she feels foolish? Either way, I hope it puts an end to her attempts to couple me up.
Natalie – I look forward to your posts every day (they have become a regular and essential part of my life) and I also feel like you have become a wise, close friend that I’ve never met!
I’m on a journey of self-growth and self-love and I credit a lot of it to reading and taking your advice. If you haven’t been told already, I’d just like to reiterate that you are making a profound difference to my life, and the lives of so many people from around the globe (I hail from Australia).
This post is so timely for me. I’ve mentioned previously that I’ve started dating again, after my break up with my ex-AC five months ago. Wow, I can’t believe how fast that time has flown and how far I’ve come since then! I started dating about 6 weeks after the break up. Spent two months dating an emotionally unavailable workaholic (although he had the good grace to break it off), and have spent the last month dating (or thinking I was dating) a wonderful, good looking, nice guy, who told me on the weekend, “Sorry, I can’t do this. I’m not over my ex-fiance.”
I know I wrote in another post that I have struggled with rejection, thinking that if it didn’t work out, it was because I wasn’t “good enough”. However, I’ve had an epiphany of late. I’m starting to internalise that I am good enough; if things don’t work out with someone that I date, it’s not that there is something wrong with me, but rather that we’re not compatible or the timing is not right.
It still burns a little that this smart, attractive, great guy, who I had great chemistry with, has given me the “Thanks, but no thanks”, but I’m proud that I’ve put myself out there. Every guy I date brings me a little bit closer to learning about what I want in a partner, and one day, I’m sure I’ll find him.
Thanks, once again Natalie.
What about if just the mere thought of dating doesnt sound appealing? Does that mean I’m not ready? I’m not sitting at home, I was out Fri, Sat and Sun with friends but just thinking of the whole process is a turn off.
Thank you Nathalie, you’re helping me through my hard times, more than you know. Each new post lately comes just where its needed, and gives me the extra confidence to live honestly, every day, and one step at a time. This web site has been amazing for me in the last 6 months since my separation. Thanks again.
This is a great post, as its obviously a question we all ask ourselves at some point in our BR experience. For me, I do want to try dating sometime soon, but my biggest question right now is whether I’m really being open and available, or would I be hiding into another dead-end relationship? I know I will move in a few years (job reasons) and it seems very improbable that anyone I was seeing would be willing to move with me to wherever I’ll need to go… In that sense, if I search for a serious relationship now, even though I know there’s a likely end-point in the future, does that fall into the “secretly unavailable” camp or the open/available-but-also-making-plans-for-myself (not putting myself on pause) camp? I’m hoping my continued increase in self esteem and self acceptance will show me the way over time…
Button,
I’ve been in the same situation. I would say that if you’re moving in a few years (rather than in, say, a few months) then there’s no harm in putting yourself out there. You never really know what life has in store–you could meet someone who is also open to moving, or you may not end up moving when you expect to–who knows. Of course if you’re 100% on moving away, then it would be wise to only get seriously involved with someone wants the same or is at least open to the idea.
I think When I think of my exes with anger, it’s usually to berate my self for putting up with them, for how long it took me to walk away! I still haven;t figured out what to do with that anger.
A great post–and just when I needed it too! I’ve been on “dating break” for a bit, and am starting to crave attention once again. I got an email from a dating site I no longer use and I was tempted. I didn’t re-sign with them. There’s still a lot for me to work out.
I liked your phrase above, “I felt relief when I walked away from situations or it didn’t work out – experience had taught me that I just wasn’t that desperate to make anyone into a ‘prince’ when things were far from being ‘princely’.”
I usually feel weepy and like I have to call him back…but I don’t want to feel that way again when dating–not EVER. It’s a bad place to be in when you can’t say an honest “no” for fear of losing someone. Your site has taught me a lot.
I was watching “Die Hard” the other day(I know, it’s not a chick flick): and near the beginning of the movie Holly Gennaro is approached by the office creep who keeps asking her on a date. He follows her down the hallway, and as he tries his flattery, she turns him down–all the way to her office, where she dismisses him completely. He gets 4 rejections, and keeps on trying! But I watched that scene with new eyes this time–thinking, how neat that she could turn him down and keep going–because she knows what she wants. And she doesn’t see a prince in the office creep.
I love Bruce Willis movies, specially the Die Hards. LOL I know that scene. It is a great example of how a strong woman can just reject unwanted advances. 🙂
I think it’s great the way you have immediately identified the problem here: you are starting to crave attention.
Craving attention is like any other craving, I think – you might give way to it, but you’ll be sorry afterwards! And while it’s normal to crave attention, it can quickly become pathological.
It also weakens your boundaries for assclownery. Take care!
Thanks for another great posting. Your posts this week have been spot-on, in exact order, of what I’ve been dealing with and churning around in my head. It’s been about 2 & 1/2 months since my last bf broke up with me. That really bummed me out, of course I didn’t agree. I did the texting attention-seeking thing, “drunk texting”, facebook stalking, etc. for a short while. However, due to continued experience and also reading your wonderful insightful posts…I deleted him off my phone and de-friended him on FB without telling him. He finally figured it out and got in touch with me to say he was sorry for hurting me that much to make me de-friend him but I said I was fine and we have not corresponded since then which was about a month and half ago I guess.
I have been struggling with a chronic medical issue that keeps re-emerging and other internal battles. I find myself thinking of him now and then and of “saying hi” but your most recent postings about NC have been great in preventing me from doing so. I remind myself of his reasons for breaking up with me and that is enough to stay away from it. With the other things I’m dealing with, I’m not in a place to really want to bother with dating. I don’t feel like I have a ton to offer at the moment, my physical ailment, while not life-threatening in any sense of the word has been detrimental to my mental health. So, I’m trying to deal with that first. Thanks for writing this today. While I do want a relationship in the long run, the though of meeting new people and doing the whole dating dance…just makes me roll my eyes.
Hello everyone. This is my first time commenting and I want to thank you NML for opening my eyes to so many things that I was too blind to see before. At 26, I was feeling hopeless, worthless, that my time was almost up and that no guy would ever want me because I’m not perfect enough. I have a looonnngggg way to go, but each day I feel better. I have cut my EU guy off for good and there is no more looking back. When I think of all the things I put up with for the sake of not being alone, I am so ashamed of myself. Mostly for not loving myself enough or realizing my worth. But anyway, sorry about the long confession. Just wanted to express my gratitude. 🙂 To the topic at hand, it seriously makes me realize how unready I am to date. Mostly because I am not secure enough with myself yet. And another reason is because the guys my age definition of dating is “I come over your house or you come over mine to “watch a movie” which is how I get caught up in these situations to begin with.
After having been single for a year and some change now, the question of whether I should try dating has been on my mind for a while now. Each time I think of possibly trying to date my body is literally gripped with fear and it takes me having to calm myself down and think of another topic all together in order to rid myself of that awful feeling.
I am not even sure what the fear is about exactly and I guess if I am to make any progress I need to find out the root cause and tackle it. Till then no dating for me, dont think my heart can take the pressure.
Thanks for this Nat.
I feel I’ve jumped a hurdle recently in even CONSIDERING that I MIGHT have a relationship ONE day. But I can feel the drama building up – what if x,y,z happens? I’ve had anxiety. And random crying. I have consciously got myself in hand. Nothing has happened. Calm down.
Underpinning it all is knowing that I’m NOT that desperate and I can walk away and get over it. I did it before and I can do it again. If I ever had to do it again though (and I very well may not) I’m confident that it won’t take months/years and involve medical intervention. That’s a kind of negative positive.
The positive positive is that I feel acceptable. That means a lot to me.
Yes! That’s it, Grace. Feeling acceptable. I do too. It’s so nice. Not needing to thrash about and be so hard on ourselves. I sometimes look around, side -to-side as if checking for harm, and I realise there is none, or none right now and certainly nothing to worry about, and I sense that I just like myself. It’s everything.
Thanks for this article relevant to my posting on your last article.
I guess I might just have to throw myself back out there. I mean, I don’t have to marry any of these potentials…I don’t even have to kiss them.
Again though, I don’t want to mess anyone around because honestly I feel that a part of me is broken.
AGH!
I feel ashamed that it has indeed been months since I broke up with the exAC and I still have not gone back to normal. I have never been like this..and no, it’s not because he was sooooo amazing that now the sheer force of his ‘special-ness’ has rendered me unfit for another…quite the contrary..and I don’t equate how I’m feeling now to how I feel for him either. I’m happy to be NC.
I’m sure he only went out with me because he wanted someone to feel superior to..he gave me that much of an impression. There’s even stupid things I’d like -> like now when I try on the types of clothes that I used to buy and wear comfortably in a store..I feel like a dork. I’d love to be able to even dress myself again with confidence.
I want to begin thinking on a different paradigm. I’m just not sure where to start.
Sunset,
My heart went out to you when you describe your confidence issues regarding clothes etc. Sometimes if we’ve been with guys like this I think it can take a while to restore confidence, particularly if there have been subtle put downs…in my ex’s case..not so subtle.
I think spending time with people who have known you for a while, or even supportive work colleagues, family members can be important in boosting you up again. My sister and a good friend of mine always make me feel good about how I look.
I think the ex wanted me to feel insecure about my appearance, as well as other bits of my life. Although I understand ‘why’ he was doing this, the words still stick and I replay some of his choice put downs sometimes.
You are not a dork, your ex is a clown for making you feel like this and even that’superior’ stance that they often take, for my part,is often about their own sense of inferiority, a method of cutting you down to size.
Concentrate on you, apart from him, remind yourself that you made choices about your style, dress, looks before you met him and that you were happy and proud of that. Accept compliments from others graciously. You deserve it.
This might sound strange, but you should just go to a high end store, and ask for one of the sales people to help you pick out some clothing to try out. Any high end store staff, would usually have the skills to gauge what would fit and look good on your body type. They will gladly bring you lots to try on. I did this. I discovered how to dress, and what cuts look good on me, and how to dress more my age and personality. I was still dressing like a teenager before. I didn’t end up buying any of the high end clothing, said I would think about it, but I took the knowledge and confidence boost to stores I could afford, and bought clothing of similar cuts and styles. I feel so much more secure about my personal identity now.
I know what you are experiencing. In 2006 I left a 7 year terrible relationship – in which – no lie – HE BOUGHT ME ALL MY CLOTHING and SHOES etc. I had no identity when I left him. Exercises like the one above helped me find myself, and taught me how to shop, and feel good in clothing.
Barbara Doduk: Wow, what a coincidence. Been thinking something along these lines over the past few weeks but couldn’t put it into words. Thanks a lot.
I went home for the holidays and my main goal was to purchase nicer clothes to help me feel better about myself and my unfortunate weight gain – getting clothes to fit my current frame. 😐 While it’ll take a lot of time & work to lose the weight this year, I can at least dress appropriately for my weight in the meantime and, therefore, feel a little better about myself. I decided to stop working just to pay bills (thanks to that post about treading water in stress) & treat myself to a few nice pieces of clothing. I’m wearing new stuff today and while it feels weird to wear clothing in a bigger size 😐 I feel kinda good about myself, and presentable, today. 🙂
Sunset – I second the going to a decent store to get fitted & primped. It can do wonders. And your ex is a jock itch. Fuck him. Kick him out of your mind and replace him with your Self.
I think I’ve just shed another pound of BS in my “diet” – this time it’s the belief that my career got in the way of dating, that guys wouldn’t want me because of my success, and that I had to kill all my ambitions before I could get anyone to commit to me.
I don’t know why I came to believe this. Sure, my country isn’t very feminist and many guys boast about wanting only a housewive. There are almost no female board members in companies, and most women I know have achieved much less than I.
But still, even in this country I’ve met successfull women who are in commited relationships and have kids, and I know others who aren’t successful or who obviously don’t make use of their talents, and all their relationships seem to fail anyway.
This week, I’ve been approached by a headhunter. Frankly, it’s a position that fascinates me, even if some of my coworkers might sneer at it. At this point, I only had one brief interview, and I have no idea whether they would really chose me or whether I would accept. It feels a little bit like dating. It’s like a small wake-up call. Change seems suddenly possible, and it’s exiting.
“Real dating” scares me even more, because I never “succeeded” at it so far. When it comes to job interviews, some of them turned out very well in the past, but dating – never. I think I need more time there.
Thank you for this post! I’ve been NC w/ my ex for about 5 months & I feel like I get stronger everyday…or like I have some sort of Oprah ‘Aha’ moments about that relationship, other relationships, and myself. When I’m going through this NC/dating hiatus, it’s so much easier to scroll thru my phone contacts & hit up a guy that I dated in the past (not the person I’m in NC w/). Especially, when you try to go out on a date w/ someone new and you realize maybe I’m not ready or this isn’t the person for me (& I’m fine w/that discovery). But I found myself trying to make contact w/ an ex that I should’ve let go yrs ago. We get along great but we’re at 2 different places & like u said ‘the past is the past’, but I always find myself rebounding back 2 him. Nothing romantic or sexual, but I try to convince myself & him that we’re just friends (but there’s still some sort of something there…maybe just comfort…we’ve known each other since high school). Knowing that I’m usually just trying to keep tabs on him…why am I so difficult? Guess I have to do NC w/ the old “friend” too…for good.
It has been 10 months since. Am I ready? No not yet. I’m back to normal but I don’t have capacity just yet. One or two months left to go on the dating ban 😛
I feel that I’m not ready to date…but getting there.
It’s not the bee all and end all of my life just now.
For me, the main sign will be when I’m having longer periods of acceptance that I’ve moved on from the ex EUM, at moment, there is still flashes of anger, the odd day when I’m pretty down in dumps and some late night rumination, when I’m incredulous at some stuff he pulled…
Without BR, I possibly would have told myself that ‘dusting myself down’ was imperative. Almost tit for tat, I would have forced myself out there,telling myself it was good for me. For a while it would have felt like it was great, flattering and revenge-driven.
Today, I’m concentrating on my career for a bit, family commitments to take care of,reviewing old friendships. One thing that I will do over the next month or two is go out more, start to socialise again…it’s starting to feel possible to do so.
Above all I’m repeating the word ‘Discovery’, I know that when I do go out on a date again, it will be impossible for me to believe any man who tries to speed up the relationship or blows hot too quickly. That has been hot-wired in my brain as a huge code red! Do actions match words, also crucial. Not letting myself be managed by lazy texts and emails. Thanks Natalie and everyone here for personal sea change.
Slowly, slowly slowly and I’ll get there.
Lynda from L
I think I’m in the same place as you. I’m nearly ready but not quite, the EUM is starting to seep out of my brain and I look forward to the days when I no longer play the relationship through my head wondering what made him go NC on me in such a passive aggressive and cruel way. Each day I feel better and better, I no longer seek any validation from him (thanks to Grace blatantly telling me in a previous post that it was what I was trying to do) but I need to be sensible and not rush into dating because the one thing I don’t want to do is compare any new dates to the old EUM. However, I have made a pact with my other single friends to all go out more and meet people, I’ll even go on my own if I have to because part of me evolving is having a bit more confidence and I need to be out there to get it. I’ve also decided to further my career by looking for a new job, it has given me something to focus on and I have been in my current job for 9 years! Time for a change! Take care 🙂
Thanks Stephanie, your words of encouragement are appreciated..for me the focus is on my life as a whole, not just about dating. Its important to find love, for sure, but just enjoying the relationship with me at moment. I’m hopeful tho’.
Hi Natalie,
Well, I’m on eHarmony. The website is a vast improvement from the one I used a few years ago. They screen the person according to what you have written. You request how many miles radius, you feel is reasonable and workable. I don’t want someone very close to me logistically, because I want to feel that sense of freedom and “breathing room”. I’m ready to date, now because I am happy with myself and know what I deserve. This has been such a revelation which I owe to you. I more relaxed and content. I’m free from the aggravation that can develop when you’re not with someone compatible. When I first did the very long questionaire I realized later that it was ripe with comments which I attribute to my ex’s behaviour. The light bulb went on when I saw that I was not being run down by the 6 or so guys I contacted. First, I thought it was because of my age and was wishing I had lied about that, making myself 5 years younger which I could get away with because I don’t look my age. But then, I came to the conclusion that it was my answers. Several of them were really abrasive, uninviting and even threatening. So, I’ve overhauled the whole profile and, am now happy with what I wrote. Whatever will be will be. I’m not placing a huge investment in the outcome. I will be fine because I’ve developed a deep love for myself that will always thrive no matter what.
Tinkerbell
Please, please, please do not take this comment in a negative way, but I met my EUM on eHarmony. It is one of the more sophisticated sites and you don’t have to search through loads of profiles to find someone half decent. Just remember what you have learnt on BR and you should be ok. I wish I had BR back in the summer when I met him. Although I never had a type, I met what I thought was the ideal man. Very good looking, good job and has done very well for himself, loves his family and kids etc etc. But he was also a liar and a cheat, a future faker and had narcissistic ways about him which led me here! 🙂
Tinkerbell, Stephanie..I’ve met my eum’s at church, thru work, in bars, in the grocery store, Walmart, Starbucks, sporting events and yes on internet dating websites eharm included. While I agree that the dating websites have a higher percentage of eu’s, I find that they are everywhere. Not only that but we are/were EU too so that is what caused the attraction. I agree, following Natalie’s advice, dating with self esteem and boundaries in tow, are the only things that will help us. Good Luck to all!!!
“Several of them were really abrasive, uninviting and even threatening. So, I’ve overhauled the whole profile and, am now happy with what I wrote. Whatever will be will be. I’m not placing a huge investment in the outcome.”
BLOCK anyone the very first time they are abrasive or rude. No reason to waste your typing.!
Hi TinkerBell,
Don’t let any of them get to you, and don’t tell too much about yourself on the first few emails, and especially where you live or what/how much you have. A lot of those guys are on eHarmony for hookups, and a lot of the internet guys are full of themselves.
Do Not let any of their answers or dates swerve your belief in yourself. Be careful. Plus, a lot of those guys are on the sites year after year… they are not really on there to meet the Love of their life, it is something to do….
Yet again, perfect timing!
Been wondering for a while whether I was ready to date again or not and am so pleased that I have started dating again and even more pleased that your post seems to validate that choice!
It feels so good to be in a situation where someone is treating me so well and seems genuinely wonderful. Even better is the fact that I know I will never put up with second rate behaviour again. Life is for living well and I intend to do just that. 🙂
I am enjoying the moments spent with the new ‘beau’ and, although, my heart is hoping this is all real, I know that, if it’s not, it won’t be the end of the world and there will be someone else who will find me and treat me the way I deserve to be. Feels really good to have that peace of mind! There is no rush in life. I am willing to see what happens and, if it ends, to take away the good parts with me and ditch the rest. No regrets, no bitterness, just gratitude for all that is good. No need to demonise someone just because it doesn’t work out.
Love your comment. I haven been a little over a year reading this blog and the other day I read one of my old post and I can see that I have changed and improved. I am like you, I am trying to start dating again, have had some prospects that didn’t materialize since to begin with they seemed to be asking for more that i was willing to give on the first date. But though it is frustating, i am not going to give up or make a big deal out of it, its not my fault, they offer sex I said no, now move on. The experience of having this phones calls and text and me being more open to rejection is a big step. I am not so afraid of it as i used to be, it might hurt my ego for a couple of days but i can survive.
Thanks Allie. You’re spot on about ego. The only reason it hurt so much the last time I tried dating and broke up with someone was purely down to my ego. Deep down I knew it wasn’t the right situation for me and that it wouldn’t lead where I needed/wanted it to. I was struggling to break away from my old bad habits of trying to fix things. I think it was just the universe giving me an immensely kind reminder that if things are right, you don’t need to fix them and, if someone is right for you, you sure as heck don’t need to “fix” them either!!
Natlalie, as ever, great article and advice. I cannot tell you how much your writing has made sense and helped me over the last 12 months. Thank you very much.
Love, S
Sadly, this post reads like a self-description. I was so nervous when I dated the last person that I couldn’t be myself. When it ended after only 3 dates I managed to make the fact that they were actively exploring moving away all about me, even though they had already been considering it before we met. Now I fear seeing them at some of the activities we share and hope they do move away.
I was upset after only a few meetings with someone who wasn’t a good match. Because I feel desperate and unworthy.
After it ended I contacted an ex, desperate to have someone to talk it over with. After obsessing over the coulda, woulda, shoulda for weeks, waking up in the middle of the night, being generally miserable, I had to try to talk my way through it. This actually helped, and no I have no interest in getting back with my ex but I know it was probably a bad idea. Still, the relief I feel is worth it to me.
What a terrible feeling even after actively trying to improve myself for years. I won’t give up though. I have to keep trying because there is no other way out.
painful,
I think that it would be good for you to take the focus off the dating completely for the moment and give yourself a break, a holiday from it. It seems the dating stresses you and sometimes the best thing to do is to take yourself away from the source of the stress. Just like when you are in a relationship that gives you pain, you need to remove yourself from it so that you can think clearly. Perhaps concentrate on something else relationship connected like friends or socialising, something that would be fun and no pressure, I just feel you need to be kind to yourself. Take care.
Is there a difference between getting out there, dating, and figuring out one isn’t ready and being EU? Isn’t this essentially what transitionals and people on the rebound are doing? Maybe it’s the difference between opting out after a short time once one realizes one isn’t ready vs. sticking around for months or years to get the comfort/sex/companionship another person offers while not being truly over the ex or capable of reciprocating fully?
Great post Nat.
I’ve said it already this week and I’m going to repeat it again as it’s so apt for this particular post
Being single is amazing….it’ll take an amazing person for me to give it up!!!!
x
Always spot on as usual. The check list was just what I needed. Having spent the last year working on myself (attended self esteem courses and finish 2 yrs of counselling) I was thinking the other week that I might never be ready for dating. I used think ‘good guys hard to find, last chance saloon, no decent guys in the 40’s plus etc. Suddenly over the past 2 weeks I have had lovely chats with a couple of guys. I was in my local cafe and one guy asked to share my table then his friend arrived and we all chatted like friends. There was no dodginess and I really enjoyed their company. I noticed that I was actually being more aware of how I was feeling in their company and really listening to what and how they were speaking to me and vice versa. There was no swaping of tel nos but one of the guys mentioned that I should check out another cafe he goes to regularly etc and asked me my name. I left the cafe feeling great. No expectations or anything. I was just so pleased to be able to enjoy men’s company without all the old stuff cropping up.
I had the same experience last week in relation to a job meeting, Lioness.. I just enjoyed the chat afterwards with this guy. It wouldn’t be appropriate to push it further because of work and I didn’t feel the need to behave in a flirty way or think about him on those terms but I enjoyed a bit of male banter again.
Yeah, the thaw is on!
I love this one!!! Hit right to my current delima.
Great read and esteem booster.
Thanks for all your advice and knowledge Nat! Ever since my work friend signposted me to this website I have learnt so much. Having dated two EUM (one AC) in a row last year I was beginning to think that something was massively wrong with me – and now I know a lot better! Following your advice, I’ve given myself 3 months off dating which was really hard as I was a bit of a serial dater….and now I’m quite terrified of getting back in the dating game. I’ve worked hard at changing my beliefs, figuring out my core values, finding out that my ‘type’ was toxic (usual tall, dark, handsome, clever, funny etc), writing down my boundaries, and doing something everyday to build my self esteem. The biggest thing was realising I was actually scared of commitment myself and that’s why I was giving these guys the time of day. Now I feel like another person! But I’m worried that I might ‘forget’ everything I’ve learnt or get ‘swept away’ by a future date…which means I might give myself another month off until I have more confidence in myself!
Goodluck ladies!
Natalie,
I feel that I`m work in progress and not ready to make a conscious decision to start dating and the main reason for that is that I still think about my relationship/break up so much. Reading some comments on here ploughs me back into what it was like for me, so clearly not indifferent yet. His stupid, lame , meaning nothing texts were not helpful and me consequently doing a bit of Colombo was counterproductive ( salt on wound- you described it so well ). He wants me to be stuck but I don`t have to comply, unless I want to be stuck also, so questioning my motives here….Another thing – I want time to myself, the stress of this last year has really taken it`s toll and I need to take care of my health as a priority.
At the same time, I`m finding myself taking a different attitude to some of my friendships and other non-romantic relationships and as life throws situations my way I`m reacting to them like a different person- a confident one! Without thinking about it, just like that, I`m surprising myself all the time . It never occured to me before, tangled up in the EU relationships, that I simply have a choice. I am not worried about outcomes or to be myself, the panic has left the building. Major progress for me, and I think that as I progress to concentrate on my life more I will possibly meet someone while going about my life. Just feeling kind of calm about the whole thing.
I haven’t been with my EUM for 4 months now and I have been doing NC for just over 2 months. I cried on the weekend as I deleted his number from my phone. I accepted a date yesterday for the first time and I’m not ready according to your 3 questions.
1. I haven’t had any urge to break NC, I’m not keeping tabs. I’m mainly still sad that we will never speak again. I know I was mistreated and my own self-worth won’t allow me to overlook the way I was treated. I just deleted his number from my phone (even though I know it), and cried, it was the last thing I was hanging on to.
2. Yes, I do like me very much, still working on the loving me part. I am lost of who I am though, recently I have been pondering what I want out of life and a relationship. I feel that I must not have known who I am if I stayed with my EUM on/off for 6 ½ years.
3. No, I don’t feel desperate. I accepted a date with this person because my type (EUM/assclown) wasn’t working and perhaps trying someone new against type will be beneficial. I don’t have any expectations at the moment, it’s just to test the waters.
Just want to say thanks for all your posts. The birthday post was so helpful (since it coincided with mine and no he didn’t wish me). Your top line data post also made me realize to not make excuses, the last guy was UNAVAILABLE but great in so many respects.
I will not overlook this in the future.
I don’t know if I’m ready to date or not and it doesn’t matter whether I am or not, although I’m still very interested in this post and all the responses ~ the reason it is not an issue for me right now is because even though I am in the best place I have ever been in, in terms of self love, self esteem, confidence, happiness etc, I have made a firm decision to be a man free zone for the next couple of years to not only find out more about me, what I like doing, what makes me tick etc etc but I also just simply want some time to enjoy me and time with me and following my 6 month NC (with a brief interlude) and near solitary confinement, I am now slowly getting back out there and am building some fabulous bonds, friendships and groups with other women, it’s like, women empowering women going on and I’m loving it, I’m loving my life and any potential relationships with men can wait, I was a parent before I even began to grow up, before I was even 21 and now my son is living independently this is my time of self discovery, independence and quiet simply enjoying my life and doing what I want to do then maybe, sometime in the future I MAY want to date but then again, I may not! Thank you to all you lovely ladies and the few gents on here for helping me get to where I am today xxx
Here goes my progress :
The moment I gained the distance from him and I learned that I can actually survive without him, now every word I get on text is worth meaningless.
I look at it and laugh thinking,” yeah right buddy”
Lol.
Funny thing is i’ve been in a few long term 3-4 year relationships. This is my first break up ever! Lol so I’m actually taking this very well.
Now, to me, he is becoming just like every body else vs. the magical man I thought he was and
dispensable and replaceable.
He texts me once in awhile telling me he loves me, lives one and a half hour away and cannot commit!! Lol I would take a bus for five hours for him, that’s what loves is!!!
So people, don’t put love in paper! Put it in action!
🙂
To SM,
I have been noticing the men at my church. It is one of the rare churches that about 45% of the congregation are men. Whoopee, you would think. But it is a large church and so a lot of distancing takes place. Some of the ones that interest me wear wedding bands, so that’s out. The rest seem to be preoccupied with getting a good seat, or their preferred spot, and when the service is over they’re preoccupied with getting to the exit to their cars. I keep looking every Sunday but it doesn’t seem like I will meet him there. That would be so great. But in the meantime, I want to go out on dates. I’m taking my time on EH because I don’t want to rush into any thing. I even feel as though the idea of dating is more attractive to me than actually meeting someone and following through. I’m afraid to trust after my last ex so this is why internet dating appeals to me, even though it’s risky.
Tinkerbell, I dont think internet dating is any riskier than the other forms of meeting people, I just meant it was easier to be EU there because people can hide behind a screen. One of the guys I met at church was probably the most dangerous one I ever went out with. Speaking of church, I was involved in the singles group and going to Sunday school and attending functions, that’s how I met guys. You are correct, it’s difficult to meet anyone at the regular Sunday service.
Wellll, after reading your article, Natalie, and all the comments, I have come to the conclusion that my personal short answer to your question is:
‘No.’
I intend to continue my love affair with real estate, my job, garlic, unshaven legs, good friends, family, freelance writing, my pasta machine, gardening, and the newspaper in bed all to myself, for a little while longer …
And why? Not because of any idea that love has passed me by, but because for the first time in what feels like about four years, I’m not in immense psychological pain. I’m absolutely loving this. I’m loving going to bed early, sleeping deeply, waking early, going for a walk, smoking one or two cigarettes and really enjoying them, cooking, LIVING.
It’s quite possible that I may never get sick of feeling like this, in which case I will very very happily stay single for the next thousand years.
I actually started dating shortly after I broke up with the ex. I was so torn! There was a part of me that wasn’t ready: I was a total mess and during the course of the date, I would excuse myself from the table and then go into the bathroom and cry because the guy sitting across from me wasn’t my ex. Another part of me felt that getting back out there, and dating casually, would help me to get over my ex sooner. The reality was that the only thing that truly helped me get over my ex was going no contact, and allowing myself the time and space to grieve the loss of the relationship. Realizing that I was messed up and wasn’t truly ready, I’d take breaks from dating in order to simply work on being good to myself. Looking back, that was the best thing for me to do. As time passed, the pain grew less intense. Eventually, it became a dull ache. Ten months after my breakup, I met a wonderful man–who is now my boyf online– and he totally blows the ex out of the water! I am SO happy 🙂 It is such an amazing feeling to be in a relationship with someone who values me and who treats me with love, care and respect. However, it is important to understand that finding the right person cannot happen until you learn to treat yourself with love, care, and respect yourself first.
This is so spot on! After a year of being single, I went on a first date with someone I met online. The date went well and he is cute and my type. By the end of the date I didn’t want to leave. It seemed to go well. Now a fortnight later he still hasn’t asked me out on a second date. I am so confused. He gave me all the right signals and now nothing. He even said “just my luck you’ll call me and tell me you’ve met someone else”. Well this hasn’t happened, yet nothing about going out again even though he said there would be.
lol Fedup, welcome to the story of my life!
all that ever happens to me is…
1.meet a nice guy and date goes well
2. if he does call me back (which only sometimes happens, otherwise go back to number 1.) we’ll go out a few more times and have a great time.
3.suddenly he disappears/turns into an AC/bad discoverys made.
4.i get strung along for a while, get anxious everyday staring at phone until i eventually get so low that i leave
5. repeat process.
one day… one day… perhaps il meet someone decent =(
Groundhog day
Join the club lol! This has been exactly my last two experiences, the first one wasn’t so bad because we amicably agreed it was going nowhere. BUT the second one strung me along for too long, I invested too much into something that wasn’t real. I’ll never forget the days of sitting and waiting for my iPhone to ring! Before I knew it I had gone 3 months feeling low, fedup and depressed. I just won’t allow things to get that bad ever again!
Fed Up,
I was on an internet date, and the conversation was good and we were having fun. After awhile I asked the guy if he was thinking of a second date for us. He replied: I don’t know, I’ll let you know.
With that, i ordered another $11.00 glass of scotch. At end of date, no kiss from me. Nope. No second date. Say La Vie. (jerk)
I am ready to date…just due to my age, 38 will be in April, all good man of similar age are omarried, younger are married, older than me are divirced and wants some 20 something blond…I will really…but no options….
Why does this happen?
I know I am not ready to date again. I have been focusing on me myself and I for these past 6 months and have been enjoying it. Suffering from a low self-esteem I have spent the majority of my life being mean and neglectful of myself so much so that it was definitely time to pay attention and love who I am instead of trying to fill that void I have often felt with some unavailable person. In my eyes any attention was better than no attention. I’ve spent these past months with people who truly care for me and it’s been great. I’ve gone places, done things, not to mention whipped my life into better shape. I’m happy and I think for now I would like to continue on this path for a little while.
Michelle, what you are doing is the key to moving on in your life in my opinion. You are a great example to the women that have not learned to put themselves first. I know for myself that if you don’t take the time for self discovery before jumping back into the dating scene you just keep repeating your not so happy history.
Michelle – I’m a bit late to this conversation, but just wanted to say nicely done. I am also in a similar arc at the moment, just clearing 4 months of NC. And am subsequently realizing that I am way less anxious, stressed out, unhappy, and hard on myself. After the new year, I briefly reinstated an online dating profile – only to find myself bored, totally non-plussed by the thought of dating again. I felt relieved to close it up again, and to see how much more I feel like myself these days. Cheers, here’s to staying on that path…
Hi Michelle,
I’m in the same place I went NC back in September and I feel very happy that I escaped. I mean by that, (“escaped”), is that it could have been a whole lot worse for me if I had not wised up when I did. I’m glad for you that you made the break. DO NOT go back on it no matter how much it hurts, because you will only have to start all over again. These men don’t learn their lesson because they don’t have the love, care, trust and respect in the first place. If you have not, I strongly suggest you get Natalie’s book about EUM’s and read it cover to cover. It will keep you grounded. Lots of luck. And, you will know when you are ready to risk getting back out there again being much wiser.
Thank you so much for this post NML ((hugs)) The first part of it, ‘Have you cleaned your relationship house’, really showed me how much progress I have made on my journey toward assclown freedom. I was questioning how ready I was to date again and this is so very reassuring. Got over the AC, quit shagging equally inappropriate losers just to prove that I was desirable, stopped looking at ex’s social networks, and the realization that it is impossible that they turn into the perfect person for me. All of this took 2 years *gasp* but when I saw it all spelled out in your post I realized how far I’ve actually gotten on, even if at a turtle’s pace. Slow and steady brings lasting change, I’d like to think. I feel way more solid that I used to. I think I will soon be ready to test the waters in 2012 🙂 Thanks for making my day! xo
completely unsure if i want to date AT ALL. ive never been with a man longer than 3 months. it takes me YEARS to meet a guy and when i finally they do either cheat/use me/publicly humiliate me/dump me for someone else. ive been single 5 years now since the last idiot and im so scared of men i shut down whenever a man looks at me and i feel sick.
im almost 26 and so people often ask me if im courting its mega-depressing. the next person to ask me that will get a broken nose.
my friends are either in long term relationships or married and they are so happy. they are treated like royalty and they constantly rub my face in it by telling me how beautiful their lives are and the places they go/see, and
i always ask God when is it my turn.
dont get me wrong guys. i know really you dont need another half to be whole (see what i did there?lol) but after all the heartache ive been thru i just want to meet someone nice for a change, i feel like im getting old. i can see myself at 30 and still in the same postition 🙁
Unsure of men I can 110% relate. Plus I have coworkers asking me when am I going to get pregnant all the time- even though they know I’m single. I find this extremely rude.
unsure of men,
this is a good place to get out those feelings you are having. Stay with us. You are SO young. I say this in honest sincerity and from experience, try not to waste the present on how you think the future is going to look. It comes with experience though, so everyone has to go through it to learn it. Not to say I don’t feel the same as you do, I just have to realize that I am young, and I’d better stop wasting NOW on anger and resentment, cause I’ll wake up and be 80, and not have lived my life. I know, i’m sure you’ve heard that and it in no way invalidates how you are feeling. I turned 30 this year, and trust me when I say I’ve had more than enough moments where I feel like the CRAP i’ve been through is proof it was never meant to happen for me. Been with drug addict dude, physically abuse guy, cheating lying using guy, just plain straight up unemotioanlly availalbe guy, plus all the random hook ups in between. Meanwhile, ALL of my closest friends are married, doing what looks to me like living, while I feel I’m stuck back at square one. I’m the late bloomer, as usual. It’s that sociatal pressure also telling me i’m not a real woman until a man gives me a ring. That’s crap. (sounds like you know that ;), but i feel this way a lot.) My friends do have different lives than me now, but they love me for me. I’ve learned that yes, i get a bit annoyed when i get to hear about their vacations, married life A-Z discussions, planning for children, etc. I’m like, HELLO!?? Yes i get that your life is great! But then i come back to reality and know that their lives aren’t perfect either, and they are my true friends and i couldn’t have made it through the hard times when some Assclown used me AGAIN, without them. And I need to support them as well.
All that said, all those feelings, is exactly why I’m reading Natalie’s blog and all of these great comments. All the negative self depricating talk….trust me i’m a pro at it. But i’m trying to change. I never saw MY role in those crappy relationships. I know now that I don’t want those anymore, but it’s a growing and learning and TOUGH process. Don’t give up on yourself Unsure. Don’t give power to some man or relationship, real or imaginary, to set your worth. Trust me, i’ve done that too. Again, don’t worry about your age and worrying you’ve missed out. If i’d have learned at 25 what I’m learning now…
Fedup-
People can just be straight up insensitive. They don’t think. They are in their own little world and bubble and unfortunetely for THEM, will always be this way. Ignorance is Bliss? Not for me. And sounds like not for you. I’ve had relatives say “oh my daughter is pregnant! When you are you gonna step up, you’re not getting any younger!” The ex-AC, who has two kids, actually said in front of my family the first time he met them, “well this one can’t seem to make any kids so i have to bring mine around.” What a winner, huh?
Good place to set up boundaries too when co-workers make comments you deem inapporpriate. Not that you have to go on a rampage to put everyone in their place, but it’s ok to say, “actually that’s pretty personal and I’d rather that not be a topic of our conversations.” Case closed. ;).
Now if only i’d told the AC to f*#k off when he said what he said….oh well can’t change the past can just move forward!
I’m not sure if I will ever “date” again. I am 49 and live in an area w/ a shortage of decent available men in my age bracket (and that’s a loose age bracket of around 35 upwards). There are tons of single women but very few men. This is not just my imagination, it’s a fact. So when a good one surfaces, the women are “on” him like white on rice. Tough to compete.
Besides all of that I was locked in a long-distance obsession w/ a MM EU narc for over a decade. Suffice to say it was my own doing and my own issues that allowed it to continue forever. He had his part too. I’ve analyzed it all to death but by now I”m just plain tired of all of it. I’ve been NC for 5 weeks (w/ one slip up, at 3 wks I sent an email, he didn’t reply). Before that we were barely hanging on, he was on one of his, “I don’t want this” rampages. (Been there done that, ad nauseum, w/ him, but that’s where we were.) I found BR at that time and realized it was up to me to do this. I’ve known NC is the answer for a long time, but just never cared enough about me to do it. To get past withdrawal.
Of course it’s way too soon to consider anyone else. But after all these years of on-again off-again w/ someone physically very far away, I’m in the odd situation of having been emotionally attached (although I am EU as much as he is) but not physically w/ anyone. It’s made for a nice fantasy and in fact I cannot handle a real physical person “in my face” anymore, but it has made me very lonely. It’s like I have lost all social training in that realm. Or at least I think I have. I’m lazy and sloppy and don’t much care about anything anymore. When your relationship is 99% fantasy, it’s easy to do that. As well, long ago when he decided he would never be w/ me, I stopped caring about anything else.
I want self esteem and self love. I don’t care if I ever go out w/ a man again. On the one hand. On the other hand, I don’t want to die alone.
Hi Requin,
I have been NC 6 weeks with my Long Distance MM – and yes I think he was a narcissist too, certainly he had narcissistic tendencies. I wasn’t in it for nearly so long, less than a year but am already feeling sooo much better. And I am late 40’s too. Please don’t be lazy and sloppy or think of yourself that way, nobody’s perfect. last few days I have stopped brooding and analysing and feeling ashamed, none of it really matters any more, and I can’t change the past. We all die alone, actually, but the important thing is what you do now. Have you read any Anne Tyler? I find her very comforting somehow, there is a feeling in her books of the intrinsic value of people regardless of their attractiveness, or lack thereof, their extroversion/introversion, pleasant/unpleasant personal habits etc. Also that life can throw unexpected and randomly fantastic or terrible things at us but we are still kind of okay in spite of it.
Very true and well stated article. I cannot begin to describe how much difference NML has made for me, along with the honest and supportive commenters. I went from a dysfunctional relationship with a handsome, charming and addictive EUM whose pleasure was as shallow as a drug, who was fun in his terms and would disappear on his terms and charm his way back, and whom I kept fantasizing he’d become a prince…through with NML’s help NCing him for 7 months, not speaking to him again, healing thiroughly from the drama and having him 100% out of my heart. I read here, shared on facebook under my real name – only stopping when I realized all my acquaintances and friends could read my posts which were rather personal (if anyone knows how to hide them, let me know!!), soul searching, journaling, becoming fimly convicted in what I wanted. This time – first and foremost – is he emotionally available, can he give and receive love, is he also looking for a relationship? Well when I was totally ready I began dating a man – who liked me before but I was not available. It’s been 2 months now and for the first time in my life feels like a truly healthy and living relationship. From the get go I asked him what he was looking for. “I am looking for a serious relationship that will one day become lifelong. I am not looking for a temporary sex partner.” Wow. Here is a man who could state what he was looking for! My last two men could not or would not state that even when significant time went by! Anyways- apparently the openness and communication it starts with apparently sticks around. We both thrive in love, directness and availability – and I continue to get direct answers to anything I ask, and am treated in a very caring fashion. (He is a seasoned journalist by trade which may help his communication skills and also admits to being a pretty sensitive and emotional guy.) He also appreciates that I am straightforward, plain speaking and know what I want – he says I do not leave him confused or wondering where he stands.
So I just have to say, wow, with the help here I think I at last have changed my history. It was so worth waiting and being ready for. I adore him authentically but am not “addicted” to him. We may last for the long term but if we do not I will be okay. Within one month he put on Facebook that he was “in a relationship” as did I. I would have…
Hello everyone,
I really admire all of you for being honest and sharing your experiences. Nat, you’re a gift from God..thank you so much for all of your insight…
It’s been almost one and a half months since the breakup from the EUM. During this time, I’ve been up and down and it’s slowly starting to sink in that we’re really over and done. Or better yet, that he is completely done with me. It’s Friday night and my “down” is starting to creep in again. We were together for almost two years. He broke up with his on and off again ex of ten years for me (or better yet, for himself). Looking back, I’m trying to focus on the good that we had in this relationship but my God the red flags were staggering. I’ve read the same story you have all written, spending countless hours trying to understand where I went wrong. I know that we attract those that we feel we deserve. I understand looking back that this was the most spirit breaking happiness sucking relationship I have ever been a part of. I’ve been trying to keep my focus on the things in my life that make me happy, the people who are supportive of me, the beauty that surrounds me. And then I get this feeling coming over me…it’s shame. Shame that I allowed myself to stay in such an unhealthy thing. Shame that when I finally got the courage to say, “this isn’t working”, I found myself backtracking begging to make this work. Shame that as he showed up at my doorstep to “talk”, that he walked away like none of this impacted him, his eyes cold and dead even as he said I was his “best friend”. Shame that even as he showed up to dump all over me, I insisted we have sex one last time. I let this man dump on me, TELL ME I WAS TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH, and then have sex with me because I was so far gone. I wouldn’t believe that he was really done with us. With me. I cannot wash the shame from my mind. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I loved him or was just obsessed with some fantasy of him. I’m so torn up inside and yet on the otherhand I can’t even recall a good memory without thinking about his moodiness, his distance, his lack of happiness for anyone including himself. Time and time again, I gave him my love, energy, time, my POSITIVITY. And now I feel like I’ve been stripped bare of the person I once was. How can that be love? It wasn’t love, I tell myself over and over again. And…
Red Velvet,
All I can say, is just keep reading the articles and comments on Baggage Reclaim. Just about all of us have been there and done that. We’ve ignored red flags, tolerated and enabled poor behavior, thrown the ACs out and then changed our minds and taken them back, demeaned ourselves trying to make them love us, had sex that was not in our best interests to have. Regardless of age, race, nationality, sexual orientation, level of education….our stories are so similar. I’ve felt shame too about my own poor choices and behavior in relationships. It has really helped me to see that other people have done and gone through similar things. It felt like I was the only one that did or felt that, and I’m not. Natalie wrote that we are human, we want to be loved, and sometimes we do the wrong thing, or trust the wrong person…it’s part of being human. We all make mistakes. What matters is that we learn from them. It helps to remind myself of this.
Natalie, I’ve wanted to respond to this post but I’ve been caught in a web of daughter and her bf drama as well as dog drama. I’m now trying to re-center my focus on me again. This post is totally fabulous. When I first read it, I had to ponder No. #1. Former ex’s are so totally out of my life and mind but the exMM may not be yet. You so perfectly describe me when you said “essentially try and get a Ph.D in dating…”. Thus, now that I know what a real date could be like, I’ll have a tendency to study it rather than do it. I think my childhood issues are worked through, who knows. I’ve asserted some boundaries even with my daughter which was tough. Her response: “Mom, I’ve never seen you like this before”. My best boundary busting girlfriend showed up via text today after 6 months and I said no to her request (with little explanation), just nope. Not interested, hope you are doing well.
Number 2 and number 3 are no brainer’s now. However a few months ago, it wasn’t the case. I’d say based on my experience with the assistance of Natalie and BR, paying attention and acting on the basis of feedback is incredibly important. I used to prefer the fantasy in my head regardless of the feedback.
I’ll be getting there soon, I think. There’s certainly no fire. “You’re ready when you’ll stay, not because you’re afraid that if you don’t you’ll have missed your last chance saloon or because you can’t bear the thought of being ‘alone’/having to start over, but because there are valid, positive, mutual reasons to stay.” There’s just so much in this post. I hope I’m making sense. This is really great stuff Natalie and all the comments are so helpful.
I feel as though I’ve either got guys who are interested in me, but I have no interest other than being friends (either too old or something). Or I have unrequited feelings for someone, who for whatever reason doesn’t feel the same about me.
My last post which was sort of a success story cut off – maybe I exceeded the word limit. But I will say that one thing that made a difference for me is that we waited to have sex until we established what we were each looking for. In the past, I’d suck into the charm act and “assume” the guy wanted a relationship. In the last two cases, it wasn’t so – they were looking for sex and companionship, mostly when they felt like it. It pays to wait. If a guy cares he’ll wait. Also I paid careful attention as to how he treated me, and for signs of his emotional availability. So much depends on the choice. I am very grateful to all I have learned here.
On topic – when this guy first met me, I WASN’T ready to date – I was still finishing up from the last guy, plus had a personal family tragedy which hurt me emotionally for months. He was still free when I was over the guy and felt better from the trauma – and what a difference – I knew on the first date I liked him. (I liked him before, but was not ready for him.) Totally pays to be ready. He didn’t have any unfinished relationship business, either.
Hi Natalie.
I really thank God I found your blog very accidentally and since I started reading it. I have come to understand what my husband(separated 7months) is = EUM/AC Serial adulterer. I have been in that marriage for 6 years to the point of depression and very low self esteem due to my ignorance, lack of self worth and treating men like they are babies and accepting crumbs. Your blog has really helped with my healing process as well as taught me a lot as I find myself getting back to the dating scene. Due to my faith I’m not sure if serious dating before the divorce is good though clean fun isn’t out of my options.
What could be your take on dating before filling for a divorce?