“Loneliness is an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation. Loneliness is more than just the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. Loneliness is a feeling of being cut off, disconnected and alienated from other people. The lonely person may find it difficult or even impossible to have any form of meaningful human contact. Lonely people often experience a subjective sense of inner emptiness or hollowness, with feelings of separation or isolation from the world.” Source Wikipedia
Recently I wrote about not looking for happiness with a man. I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t have happiness with a them; it’s more that you shouldn’t see men as the sole source of joyous happiness. Being single shouldn’t be regarded as that miserable time that you pass in between relationships, as you’re likely to end up miserable with a man, which sort of defeats the purpose…. A recurrent theme in the comments though was accentuated with the question ” How do we deal with the loneliness?”
It’s not down to me to invalidate how someone feels, but it is down to you to check out the validity of your statements and beliefs because if you don’t, you not only cling to incorrect assumptions and beliefs, but you make poor decisions as a result of them. ‘Loneliness’ is a very big word and if you are fortunate enough to have people who love you in your life and whom you love, even if they’re not a boyfriend, it shouldn’t be taken for granted. There is nothing wrong with desiring a boyfriend/life partner or whatever you want to call him but being ‘lonely’ for one can give off a desperate vibe to men that isn’t attractive.
When you claim to feel ‘lonely’ for a man this could only have quite strong behaviours and attitudes attached to it. You’re hardly going to feel this way and approach things softly-softly. Instead you’re likely to assume that every guy could be ‘it’ which will put the rose tinted glasses on you and have you blinkered to who they really are. You’ll place all of your hopes, fears, expectations and then some on them. You’ll probably charge in like a bull in a china shop.
Feeling ‘lonely’ for a man makes them the centre of your universe. You’re operating from a negative place that is likely to draw in men that will actually exasperate the sense of loneliness…not cure it. Claiming to feel like this is like opening the door to every waif and stray that struggles with commitment and showing any emotion. Next thing you know, you have a ‘boyfriend’ but you don’t know when he’s going to call or when you’ll see him next. Or maybe you’ll cure it by taking up the understudy role of The Other Woman because getting a slice of time is better than not having someone’s time at all. Of course if any of this happens to you, the people who really love you like your family and friends will get neglected which will enhance that isolated feeling….
So I ask, are you really that lonely for a boyfriend or do you just want one because you don’t feel right about yourself or your place in life if you don’t have that special someone? Or do you just want one because you want one?
Add to favorites
I don’t agree with the Wikipedia definition of ‘lonely’. It makes it sound like a clinical condition and it is out of context. When I say that a woman feels lonely ‘for a man’ I mean that she specifically needs the intimacy and love that come from a relationship with a man. This does not imply that she is alienated and she finds it impossible to make human contact.
Don’t get me wrong, I do agree with you when you say that the perception of loneliness may make us charge like a bull or attract the wrong types. And that we do need to get on with the good things and relationships we have in our lives. I believe this is sound advice. But if I say that I would like to meet a man to form a fulfilling and loving relationship, it does not mean that I don’t feel right about myself.
Basically, this is what I’m advocating: to acknowledge to oneself that there is this need of intimacy and love, which is currently unfulfilled. And that it has nothing to do with us being not good enough. And that sometimes it is hard to bear. This might actually help mitigate the bull-like behaviour – if we realize that possibly this behaviour has nothing to do with the man, more with the desire to fulfill this need. So…perhaps here’s where we find we agree: let us not allow the need to drive our behaviour, because it is likely to end in tears.
Some women confuse or don’t know how to articulate the difference between loneliness and the desire for male companionship. Loneliness implies a lack of something in your life… when you desire male companionship, you’re merely wanting a change, not necessary for your happiness… but also would be nice. Making everything black and white and telling women they should only want a man if there’s one available doesn’t work.
Nada, I think you are absolutely right about acknowledging your desire for a man and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s not about putting your desires on the backburner but lonely is still a big word. If someone says that they want a man because they want a man then so be it. But to say that they’re lonely for a man does flag up something of importance because it is a strong emotion and the resulting actions and relationship and dating issues that occur as a result do need to be acknowledged. “let us not allow the need to drive our behaviour” – Amen!
Koikana – I’m certainly not telling people that they should want a man only if one is available and at no point in the post do I state this. The post is about the specificness of claiming loneliness. Trust me – I have as a result of 3 of my blogs come across thousands of women who are struggling with the results of not being happy. That’s not me being black and white – that is other peoples truth. I get emails, comments, plus people using the forum every day. The great majority of the many emails I get from women, readers don’t even see. The point is that I don’t sit here “making everything black and white” – I am writing from my own experience and that of others but it’s ultimately different strokes for different folks and you don’t have to agree with what I suggest. If you want to operate from a position of declared loneliness or filling that something that’s missing from your life, that is your perogative. I’m just presenting another option… You are right about people struggling to articulate what they feel which is why the end of the post clearly asks whether you really are lonely, unhappy, or you just straight up want a man because you want one.
I’m sorry I have read your article and I just cannot agree.
I have been single since 2000. I came out of a 5 year relationship,and it took me 6 months to recover from that and even think about dating again. I then flitted from unsiutable fling to unsuitable fling, embracing singledom, looking for a match, anything really’. But, then I realised I have had nothing lasting more than 6 weeks in 7 years. I am starting to worry what is wrong with me. my friends tell me I am pretty, good personality, nice person and all that other stuff, but I get constant rejections…from dating websites, from set up blind dates, from men in bars…everyone wants to be my friend, noone wants to be my lover. Why? All that these years of singleness and living alone has taught me is that I feel lonely, depressed, empty and jealous, every time I watch my friends have children or get married I realise what I -and my parents- are missing out on. I sleep in a cold bed every night craving a cuddle and a chat, thinking every day will be different, but it isn’t. I have given up thinking that each party invite will lead to me meeting my match. It actually leads to nothing and an even bigger feeling of inadequacy. So I spend my money on clothes to cheer me up and deny myself food because I am too fat and ugly already.
So please don’t tell me that I need to embrace singledom, or think about what it has taught me. Or to learn to love me before I can meet anyone, or not base my happiness on a man. These years have taught me that I am lonley, it has made my shyness worse because I just hate not having that extra support at a party sometimes, loving my friends & family but knowing that they are just not enough, when you want a hug or a chat or to simply share something with, when I want to get away for the weekend and have noone to ask. I make no apologies for wanting a relationship or a wedding or a child, or indeed for feeling lonely. I am so lonely that I wonder just how many pills it would take, sometimes……
Hi…I read your post and saw a little of me in it. At the moment I have to determine if I’m craving a man for the sake of craving or because I actually believet, in the end, I will live the typical suburban life with a hubby and 2.5 kids. ‘m leaning towards the later…I’m not lonely…just craving and to make matters worse, my social circle has shrunk dramatically so my sense of being alone has heightened.
I can admit that the men I’ve choosen in the past have not been the wisest of choices. I can only fault myself for having my headi n the clouds from time to time or just stepping away when the sirens went off. I can only blame myself for failing to listen to my inner spirit.
Sara: It is okay to acknowledge that you’re single and fabulous and still live a fulfilling life. I believe that’s what NML was getting at. Okay…you’re single…you don’t have a man…you still want the dream but you don’t have to abuse yourself because it’s not readily available.
After it’s all said in done, I like to tell all that I am a woman in waiting. In that I admit that I have some things I need to work on before my someone (not my anyone) and I meet up. I can admit that my someone may have himself together but I’m slow at getting it together. I know, after looking back on it all that if I fell in love and established a life long bond with the dik heads I’ve dated, I would be one miserable chica. I also know that I have to make myself happy before I can add any happiness to someone’s life. What about your current state of happiness? How can you improve that? Please also consider that the energy you send out, is returned to you ten fold. It is quite possible that your attitude is hurting your love life more than it’s helping you.
Just athough
Sara: I really understand how you feel. We all start wondering ‘what’s wrong with me’ after too many bad dates. You say that your relationships were ‘unsuitable flings’, so you’re already answering the question of why they didn’t last. But the things you say…’too fat and ugly’ (yet your friends tell you that you are pretty)..’how many pills’… It is very important that you build your self esteem up (even a self help book can be a good start). Yes, it’s true, you have to love yourself before anybody wants to love you. I find that is a good incentive. Your feelings about yourself won’t suddenly change when you find a man. In a way, you have nothing to lose (that special man hasn’t appeared yet), so you can experiment behaving and thinking in different ways. Talk to your friends – ask them to be honest. I agree with Seven, it is possible that the way you think about yourself comes across during your dates.
I kind of know how you feel Sara. It’s been 4years since my 3.5 years relationship ended, and the longest “relationships” that came after that lasted for about 4 or 5 months, eventhough i know that he was falling for me, and i loved him, but i also know that he wasn’t right for me. That was already 2 years ago, and it’s been a year since I actually went on any dates. I do get lonely sometimes, but i know that it’s just a momentary thing, i know that I have a lot more going on in my single life and I actually dunno how I can fit a guy in to it. Ok, to be fair, I live with my best friend who’s also as single as me (if not more :P) and I think that’s probably the reason I can stay single for so long.
I kind of know how you feel Sara. It’s been 4years since my 3.5 years relationship ended, and the longest “relationships” that came after that lasted for about 4 or 5 months, eventhough i know that he was falling for me, and i loved him, but i also know that he wasn’t right for me. That was already 2 years ago, and it’s been a year since I actually went on any dates. I do get lonely sometimes, but i know that it’s just a momentary thing, i know that I have a lot more going on in my single life and I actually dunno how I can fit a guy in to it. Ok, to be fair, I live with my best friend who’s also as single as me (if not more :P) and I think that’s probably the reason I can stay single for so long.
P/s: Dear Baggage reclaim folks, i am so thrilled to have found your blog, it’s the only one not blocked by the office’s firewall! Yay! Keep up the awesome work! And my website is still under construction. Cheers all…
“So I spend my money on clothes to cheer me up and deny myself food because I am too fat and ugly already.
So please don’t tell me that I need to embrace singledom, or think about what it has taught me. Or to learn to love me before I can meet anyone, or not base my happiness on a man. ”
“everyone wants to be my friend, noone wants to be my lover. Why?”
The problem is the kind of man you probably want dosen’t want you.
It’s not because your fat or ugly. Under your own self confession You can get flings, Just not anything serious.
The kind of men you probably want don’t want to look after a women. They don’t want a co-dependant relationship with a woman who is using them to validate herself.
So i’m sorry i am going to tell you exactly what you don’t want to her.
Take along hard look in the mirror and find everything about yourself thats awesome.
If you don’t have the respect to love yourself then why should anyone you respect love you?
Thats a double standard.
If you truly believe that what i have said isn’t the problem
Then the only other thing i can think of is that you are so tied up to the idea of societies “man and wife” kind of thing that you actually think there is something wrong with not being in that situation.
Enjoy yourself! Go through your flings and stop worrying about the long term.
I sincerely mean it though when i say that until you respect yourself as a person no one else will. And why should they?
Also theres a reason women go for older guys. Chances are if you are dating someone in your age range and are young yourself, they don’t want to settle down it’s nothing personal, in the same way that you might be fantasising about a family and kids etc etc. they are fantasising about going home with a different woman every night. Its bilogical. As we grow up it changes though.
Try something new.
Whilst I agree with Name in what they say! Sara I can empathise with you!! Sometimes I’d like a nice man to cuddle upto lol As much as I love my doggy it’s just not the same 😛 However I do not want to just go out with a man for the sake of having a bf! You do not need a man to be happy! Though one is required to make babies!! hehe Which is what I do want soon!! The search continues 😛 Hugs to all
Hello Everyone =)
Well this is the big debated topic right? Is it good to be single?! After reading all your guys comments and from my own experience I would say that being single can be great and being single can totally suck!
It really depends on which side of the bed that you woke up on.
Sometimes your like .. YEH!!! Being single is awesome!! You get to hang out with who you want, when you want, how you want. You have total and absolute freedom and no attachments.
No arguments with your boyfriend and no relationship issues. You can travel and the blink of an eye, you can leave things behind in a flash.
Then at the other end of the spectrum you really wish that you had someone there to comfort you when you’re feeling down.
Someone who is always available to go out to the movies with, to take to weddings, to go to friends places.
You miss that companionship and that ability to share your heart with someone else.
I honestly believe that we are not meant to go through life alone. We invite people into our lives so we can share these wonderful experiences together. To have people there for you in your times of need, when you’re going through something tough. N to have people there when you are at peaks or highlights of your life that you can celebrate with.
So I guess what im trying to say is … don’t be happy with being single or not being single.
Just be happy with the current situation you are in at the moment and make the most of it. Appreciate the things about being single that you love. When the time is right to find a partner then you can appreciate all the good things about being in a relationship.
Sometimes we just focus on things that we don’t have at the moment. We are always looking at what is lacking, instead of appreciating what we have at the moment.
So I would say if you’re single, enjoy it for what it is worth .. Because I guarantee you … you will have a lot less single days than attached days .. So what’s the dam rush?!
If you’re attached, well then I would say be grateful for your partner and all the wonderful things they bring into your life .. Just because they are there =)
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
I agree with this, loneliness is an empty feeling of disconnectness with yourself and the world. How many times I spoke with woman who said they were lonely, but drove people away because they are depressed in your presence? It truly is, if you aren’t happy and fulfilled with you, there is not one soul in this universe that can make you feel filled up. I remember when I first moved out of my dysfunctional home and I unconsciously (as soon as I got the internet) would feel the need to meet men at 3am to go to the diner with (thinking I was being sponteneous) but in actuality was putting myself in situations where I could of got hurt. I can’t imagine now, the fun of meeting a random stranger at that hour, let alone the amount of people I met that weren’t even put into any qualifying category. My point is, I was lost and lonely subconsciously and felt isolated — and now that I am fulfilled (of course I have my days) I would rather spent time by myself any day of the week then just to be with someone who isn’t suited for me, or go on a wild goose chase for the one when in reality I am cultivating my life full of passion so I naturally attract and don’t feel that it’s an end all be all if I am chilling alone on a Saturday night, who cares — you can always be fulfilled in your own company and when you are, will attract someone who is healthy for you.
loneliness is a major factor in my life. and it is tied pretty strongly to my depression. you can be sitting right next to somebody, or among a crowd of people, and feel lonely. i gave up on finding someone to date because i realize that i’m a mess and the only people i would attract would have more baggage than i really want to deal with. besides, it’s not like i have found anyone to date in the past 2 years anyway. so i’m trying to fix myself and part of that means cutting off the outside world so i can focus on me. other people are a distraction. but this means i’m more lonely than ever. i don’t NEED another person in my life; i’ve gone through this before, and have had periods of not dating anyone for over 5 years. it sucks because i think i am a giving, loving, honest, and supporting partner. but there’s no sense in chasing dreams that will never come true.
Jeff..
It sounds like you are telling yourself you don’t want to be close to anybody as a survival strategy but deep down you do. Although it is important to focus on oneself and spend time alone it is also vital to communicate with others and enjoy the company of friends. I don’t see how cutting out the outside world and focusing on yourself are very harmonious activities. Focus on you of course but developing honest relationships outside of yourself is really the only way to combat real loneliness. If you are giving, loving and supporting in relationships then you are a fantastic human being and will find intimacy again. There is every sense in chasing a dream that is not only possible but very probable. I too have felt isolated, unattractive and used up after years of being in an abusive relationship. But as soon as you lose hope and stop believing in love/relationships/happiness then you are letting the depression/loneliness win. You can’t allow yourself to sink into that black hole!