Last night I had a well overdue catch-up with one of my closest friends. As we filled each other in, it was scary and hilarious how we’ve been experiencing a number of the same things. I had an aha moment when she told me that after near running herself into the ground worrying about making some decisions about her career, a friend said, “So let me get this right. You’re worried about not being good enough for a job that you don’t even like or want? You’ve worried about whether you’re able to do a job that you’re already doing well at?”

This is what I come across every day on Baggage Reclaim and have experienced in my own life.

Examples of our confusing and conflicting concerns

I’m trying to ‘win’ someone that I don’t actually want. We don’t share similar values and they’ve treated me without love, care, trust, and respect. But if I don’t make them love me, change, and basically win them, it will mean I’m not good enough.

Say what?

I’m worried about why I’m not good enough for someone I know is not good enough for me. I’ve even called them an ‘assclown’.

I’m losing my mind over the fact that someone who was unavailable and attached when we met is, yep, you guessed it, still attached. In fact, if I’m entirely honest, I’m agonising over why they haven’t left them yet and why they don’t want me…even though I don’t trust them.

I’m worried that I’m not able for a relationship that is actually working well and healthy. I’m used to being in relationships that have issues I need to fight for.

I worry I’m not good enough for a relationship that I ended for valid reasons and that I don’t even want anymore.

I’m worried about why I’m not good enough to have a better relationship even though I’ve never put myself out of my comfort zone and have stuck with my type.

In fact, I’m worried I’m not good enough for a relationship, and I’m not even leaving my house and meeting people.

I’m worried that I’m not good enough for someone I claim is a narcissist. I combed the internet, and everything says run Forrest run. Still, I’m wondering why they couldn’t make me the exception, even though they’re dangerous.

I’m worried that I’m not being and doing enough even though people keep saying that they don’t know how I do it’, that ‘I’m brilliant’, etc.

I’m worried about whether I’ll ever love again even though I’ve decided that I’ll never risk loving again. I don’t trust anyone.

I’m worried about why someone at work/school/the gym/whatever doesn’t like/talk to me even though I don’t like (or want to talk to them).

I can’t believe they didn’t invite me to something that I didn’t want to go to. Oh and did I mention that I don’t even like them?

I’m worried that I’m not good enough at my job even though I’ve been promoted several times, have been headhunted, offered different jobs, am regarded as an authority in my field etc.

Who needs to change here?

  • Is it the person you don’t like but are trying to change and/or win?
  • Is it the attached person?
  • The person trying to have a healthy relationship with you?
  • Your ex?
  • The narcissist?
  • The people who keep telling you how great you are?
  • The person you don’t like that doesn’t talk to you?
  • The people who manage, headhunt, buy from, and even revere you?

When you lose your way, you get caught up in inverted ego issues. This is where you make everything about you, including Other People’s Behaviour. You take responsibility for everything (blaming and shaming) or avoid it all together (denial). Or you become obsessed with being ‘right’, having the last word, and fighting for something that’s working against you and that you don’t actually want.

Think about it. If you’re not living the relationship you want or the person isn’t behaving in ways that are conducive to a healthy, mutual relationship, why do you want them?

This type of thinking and conflict distracts you from your values, your purpose, and basically yourself.

It’s important to stop focusing on not being ‘good enough’. Instead, look specifically at what you’re concerned you’re not good enough about. By putting yourself in conflict with you, you’re undermining everything you’re supposed to represent, desire, and need. Because you’re not listening and acting in line with your values, you can’t begin to do what will actually make you happy, feel good, etc.

Ask yourself: Why am I anxious about doing well at a relationship that isn’t working for me and doesn’t represent my values?

Why am I worried about pleasing someone that isn’t fricking pleasing me?

Why am I worried about how I look to someone who doesn’t give a damn about how they look to me or others?

When you worry about something that’s in direct conflict with what you profess to want or be, it’s a sign that you’ve stopped listening to yourself. You are not being authentic. It’s also a sign of avoidance. How can you be so concerned with something you don’t want when what you do want hasn’t been addressed?

Often what we don’t want is tied to something or someone beyond our control.

Often what we do want is within our control because ultimately achieving what we want has us in it.

When we fear putting what we want on us, it’s easier to focus on everything and everyone else.

Recognising this shortfall offers the opportunity to address an area of your life where your actions and words don’t match. This can wreak havoc in your life.

If you’ve ever been a Fallback Girl (or guy), this is something you’re also on the receiving end of. The person concerns themselves with winning you over at all costs (blowing hot, Future Faking, Fast Forwarding, etc.) and worries about why you don’t want them or are ‘resisting’. All the while, they know, even though they may not admit it, that they don’t want a relationship or will find a reason to ‘abscond’ or create problems at a later date. As the Fallback, you end up dragging out this situation if you ‘fight’ for the relationship despite the incompatibility and unhealthiness of it.

Conversely, I get so many people saying that these depleting relationships are what they want. That this person is the only person that will do. We have to question our level of complaints and upset about something and someone so ‘great’? The two things don’t match!

What are you worried about? What do you worry that you’re not good enough for? Write them down and be a little descriptive.

If you read it out loud or even said it to someone else, would it sound like you’d been at the crack pipe? Does it sound confusing? Conflicted? Irrational?

Bearing in mind how much of your life you can devote to worrying about these things and avoiding making and sticking to a decision, it’s a long time to spend in confusion, conflict, irrationality or even an emotional crack den. This has stressful repercussions elsewhere in your life.  

Many of us worry about being ‘perfect’ which doesn’t exist. We think we’re seeking to be ‘good enough’. But flogging ourselves about not measuring up means we’re not even recognising when we’re more than good enough. The person who embraces themselves and doesn’t strive for ideals that don’t exist and is self-forgiving and looking for growth in a positive way, ends up being far happier than the person obsessed with blaming themselves for everything (because they’re all or nothing) and focusing negatively on themselves.

You’re good enough already. You’re good enough to go for the things that will positively benefit you. Stop fighting it.

Your thoughts?

Image source JuliaF SXC

Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.

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