Last night I had a well overdue catch-up with one of my closest friends. As we filled each other in, it was scary and hilarious how we’ve been experiencing a number of the same things. I had an aha moment when she told me that after near running herself into the ground worrying about making some decisions about her career, a friend said, “So let me get this right. You’re worried about not being good enough for a job that you don’t even like or want? You’ve worried about whether you’re able to do a job that you’re already doing well at?”
This is what I come across every day on Baggage Reclaim and have experienced in my own life.
Examples of our confusing and conflicting concerns
I’m trying to ‘win’ someone that I don’t actually want. We don’t share similar values and they’ve treated me without love, care, trust, and respect. But if I don’t make them love me, change, and basically win them, it will mean I’m not good enough.
Say what?
I’m worried about why I’m not good enough for someone I know is not good enough for me. I’ve even called them an ‘assclown’.
I’m losing my mind over the fact that someone who was unavailable and attached when we met is, yep, you guessed it, still attached. In fact, if I’m entirely honest, I’m agonising over why they haven’t left them yet and why they don’t want me…even though I don’t trust them.
I’m worried that I’m not able for a relationship that is actually working well and healthy. I’m used to being in relationships that have issues I need to fight for.
I’m worried about why I’m not good enough to have a better relationship even though I’ve never put myself out of my comfort zone and have stuck with my type.
In fact, I’m worried I’m not good enough for a relationship, and I’m not even leaving my house and meeting people.
I’m worried that I’m not good enough for someone I claim is a narcissist. I combed the internet, and everything says run Forrest run. Still, I’m wondering why they couldn’t make me the exception, even though they’re dangerous.
I’m worried that I’m not being and doing enough even though people keep saying that they ‘don’t know how I do it’, that ‘I’m brilliant’, etc.
I’m worried about whether I’ll ever love again even though I’ve decided that I’ll never risk loving again. I don’t trust anyone.
I’m worried about why someone at work/school/the gym/whatever doesn’t like/talk to me even though I don’t like (or want to talk to them).
I can’t believe they didn’t invite me to something that I didn’t want to go to. Oh and did I mention that I don’t even like them?
I’m worried that I’m not good enough at my job even though I’ve been promoted several times, have been headhunted, offered different jobs, am regarded as an authority in my field etc.
Who needs to change here?
- Is it the person you don’t like but are trying to change and/or win?
- Is it the attached person?
- The person trying to have a healthy relationship with you?
- Your ex?
- The narcissist?
- The people who keep telling you how great you are?
- The person you don’t like that doesn’t talk to you?
- The people who manage, headhunt, buy from, and even revere you?
When you lose your way, you get caught up in inverted ego issues. This is where you make everything about you, including Other People’s Behaviour. You take responsibility for everything (blaming and shaming) or avoid it all together (denial). Or you become obsessed with being ‘right’, having the last word, and fighting for something that’s working against you and that you don’t actually want.
Think about it. If you’re not living the relationship you want or the person isn’t behaving in ways that are conducive to a healthy, mutual relationship, why do you want them?
This type of thinking and conflict distracts you from your values, your purpose, and basically yourself.
It’s important to stop focusing on not being ‘good enough’. Instead, look specifically at what you’re concerned you’re not good enough about. By putting yourself in conflict with you, you’re undermining everything you’re supposed to represent, desire, and need. Because you’re not listening and acting in line with your values, you can’t begin to do what will actually make you happy, feel good, etc.
Ask yourself: Why am I anxious about doing well at a relationship that isn’t working for me and doesn’t represent my values?
Why am I worried about pleasing someone that isn’t fricking pleasing me?
Why am I worried about how I look to someone who doesn’t give a damn about how they look to me or others?
When you worry about something that’s in direct conflict with what you profess to want or be, it’s a sign that you’ve stopped listening to yourself. You are not being authentic. It’s also a sign of avoidance. How can you be so concerned with something you don’t want when what you do want hasn’t been addressed?
Often what we don’t want is tied to something or someone beyond our control.
Often what we do want is within our control because ultimately achieving what we want has us in it.
When we fear putting what we want on us, it’s easier to focus on everything and everyone else.
Recognising this shortfall offers the opportunity to address an area of your life where your actions and words don’t match. This can wreak havoc in your life.
If you’ve ever been a Fallback Girl (or guy), this is something you’re also on the receiving end of. The person concerns themselves with winning you over at all costs (blowing hot, Future Faking, Fast Forwarding, etc.) and worries about why you don’t want them or are ‘resisting’. All the while, they know, even though they may not admit it, that they don’t want a relationship or will find a reason to ‘abscond’ or create problems at a later date. As the Fallback, you end up dragging out this situation if you ‘fight’ for the relationship despite the incompatibility and unhealthiness of it.
Conversely, I get so many people saying that these depleting relationships are what they want. That this person is the only person that will do. We have to question our level of complaints and upset about something and someone so ‘great’? The two things don’t match!
What are you worried about? What do you worry that you’re not good enough for? Write them down and be a little descriptive.
If you read it out loud or even said it to someone else, would it sound like you’d been at the crack pipe? Does it sound confusing? Conflicted? Irrational?
Bearing in mind how much of your life you can devote to worrying about these things and avoiding making and sticking to a decision, it’s a long time to spend in confusion, conflict, irrationality or even an emotional crack den. This has stressful repercussions elsewhere in your life.
Many of us worry about being ‘perfect’ which doesn’t exist. We think we’re seeking to be ‘good enough’. But flogging ourselves about not measuring up means we’re not even recognising when we’re more than good enough. The person who embraces themselves and doesn’t strive for ideals that don’t exist and is self-forgiving and looking for growth in a positive way, ends up being far happier than the person obsessed with blaming themselves for everything (because they’re all or nothing) and focusing negatively on themselves.
You’re good enough already. You’re good enough to go for the things that will positively benefit you. Stop fighting it.
Your thoughts?
Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.
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You know, sometimes I wonder if you lurk outside of my window and can hear and see all the stupid things I say and do to myself.
Haha Heather – tap tap 😉
Hey Natalie,
I guess I percieve my exAC to be a lot better than me in a lot of ways (popularity, looks, status…it’s not like he didn’t point this out to me). And it’s silly because I don’t really regard popularity, looks and status as being things of great importance. Maybe it just reminds me of being bullied at school for being the strange, poor, shy girl. He treated me pretty sh*ttily so I do recognize he’s can’t be all that. If he tried to even talk to me now I’d tell him so shag off. I don’t want him but at the same time I still feel insufficient. And I get so so angry because I still feel like a strange, poor, shy girl and although I wouldn’t wish him on anyone I often feel like he could’ve chose someone better than me to mess about maybe someone with more self esteem, then again I doubt someone with more self esteem would put up with what I did.
I think we dated the same guy. I was with one for a year and a half and he always treated me like by being with me, he was doing me a favor. He would constantly point out how good looking he was, how others thought he was good looking, how smart he was, how much more money he had than me, what a better parent he was than me. The facts: he was good looking. The not-s0-facts: he was no smarter than me, in fact I have two masters degrees and know a hell of a lot more about current events, history, emotions, people…yes, he had more money, but he was living off money he made years ago, and was about to inherit a lot…I am a teacher supporting two kids with no support from their father. Better parent? He encouraged his kids to speak ill of their mom, encouraged his son to refer to women as bitches, blatantly favored his daughter over his son.
So why did I allow this ass to tell me all the things that were wrong with me, when deep down I knew he was totally wrong? Self esteem issues, but also a disbelief that someone who says he cares and wants to be with you would do such a thing. It’s like I was having an out of body experience everytime I was with him. Who was this woman who put up with this nonsense. I think she has left the building, because after the break up, I dated a guy three times, and each date the “ding, ding, ding” bell of reality went off and I saw that this was another ass who needed to “instruct” me. No way, Jose. Next!
Love this ding, ding, ding idea, Tracy!
Thanks for your reply Tracy. 🙂 It helps me.
For me I just wonder if he decided to go out with me just to feel superior to someone because I don’t know why he went for me considering I’m not of the things he seemed to value. I’m not popular, average looking and definitely have nada in terms of status. I’m quite an outsider. Plus I have and had when we started going out very little self esteem, not a lot of confidence. Now though I have less than I started with. I need to build it back up I just don’t know how although reading Natalies posts and comments like yours helps. I just feel robbed in a way if anyone gets my drift..
Bluebell67 You could ask the same thing of each of you though – he’s not the things that you value *either*. Neither of you have actions matching words. I doubt he’d pull his head out of his arse long enough to ask what your reasons are but to be honest, him pontificating and protesting so much about this shite suggests he was ‘convincing’ both of you,
What you have to ask yourself is why you’re so concerned with what he saw in you when you need to ask what you were interested in him for.
You’re very correct NML. We didn’t share the same values. I don’t get the whole ‘image’, ‘fame’, attention seeking popularity thing that he gets. Alternatively I don’t think he felt OK with me being ‘different’, that I didn’t care too much about the way I come across, didn’t spend hours preening myself to perfection…and I hate the spotlight.
Like I said it just goes back to the days when I used to get picked on…having it drilled into my head that you need to be this, that and the other to be liked and considered ‘cool’ and ‘normal’. Now, I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s something that’s just there in my head. Maybe I went for him to finally get some sense of approval.
Bluebell, I have this theory that one way – the bad, nasty way – to build up your confidence is to thieve it from someone else. In fact, I suspect it’s quite easy- all you need do is choose someone that you know will agree with you and then you say ‘I am better than you’ over and over again. They agree, because that’s what they do. You feel good, they feel bad… which would stop the majority of us from practicing it (on account of us having consciences and so on) but doesn’t stop everyone.
If you come across as apologetic, unsure, overly-critical of or uncomfortable with yourself then it’s the equivalent of walking around a busy city with your purse sticking out of your coat pocket or leaving your front door wide open all night. It says TAKE MY STUFF AND I WON’T PRESENT ANY TROUBLE.
Ergo why, I think, people with low self-esteem seem to magnetically attract self-esteem thieves. They know that they’ll get an instant ego/power-boost without being challenged and we put up with it because… well I guess because we’re used to it and it feels familiar.
That’s the bad news (I don’t know the solution, I need better self-esteem too). The good news is that, actually, it isn’t a real reflection on you in terms of appearance, personality, status or anysuch. It’s just a reflection on the fact that you let people get away with it. If you leave your front door open and someone burgles you, it doesn’t reflect on your house… it might be a mansion, it’ll still get burgled.
The other good news – on the grounds that we know appearance and personality and status are NOT the most important things about a person – is that it’s possible to be shy, quiet, unconventional and an outsider and still be perfectly comfortable in your own skin. Those characteristics don’t automatically mean that you have to put up with it.
Thank you very much for your responses.
yoghurt, I totally get what you are saying especially here:
“If you come across as apologetic, unsure, overly-critical of or uncomfortable with yourself then it’s the equivalent of walking around a busy city with your purse sticking out of your coat pocket or leaving your front door wide open all night. It says TAKE MY STUFF AND I WON’T PRESENT ANY TROUBLE”.
I was thinking about what I posted here today especially after NMLs comment, wondering what I saw in him, etc etc.
I try to be comfortable with who I am.
But I think he appealed to the part of me that was bullied as a kid, the part of me that was taught that shallow things were of great importance. When he began to pursue me it was almost as if a part of me finally got some sort of approval because he has these things I have always lacked and was made to feel inadequate for lacking. I felt accepted.
But of course this wasn’t the case. He quickly withdrew his validation of me (if it was even there in the first place). It didn’t help that his criticisms and putdowns hit sore points that I never even thought anyone would ever pick up on and treated me in ways I never thought I’d ever be treated (he once threatened that he could “destroy me”).
His invalidation of me just I guess brought some old childhood doubts and fears to the surface..that I’m just some strange, shy girl, the one who always got picked last and it makes me so so unbelievably furious. I just think ‘why me?’ if I was so damn not up to his standards why didn’t he pick someone else instead of try to destroy my confidence? I had very little to even begin with.
But perhaps yoghurt he picked me because I left my purse sticking out of my coat pocket. Thanks for this insight.
One of the all-time most flaying things that Gitface ever said to me was “Well, it was your personality that I was attracted to, not your appearance”. OUCH! That memory gutted me for a long time, and every time I looked in a mirror I remembered it and wanted to beat myself up for being so aesthetically abhorrent.
…until I realised that he’d said it in reply to a comment of mine (I was A Woman Who Talked Too Much and we were discussing the state of play). I’d said something like “I don’t think that you’re physically attracted to me, really, are you?” And oddly enough, instead of saying “Well, I’m attracted enough to try to hassle you into bed every time I see you and to tell you Big Stinking Lies to get you to sleep with me (and will, by the way, continue to do so for the next year and a half), but in truth I’m just a huge mess and I cba to sort it out when I know that you’ll let me get everything I want for free and without making any effort”, he popped out with that clanger.
And the WORST thing was that, in reply (and instead of smacking him hard and pushing him out of the door) I said something like “Oh, that’s okay, I’m just not very attractive”. Voila! He then had a cast-iron excuse for messing me around and never committing to me, and it was MY fault for being UGLY AS SIN.
As for the compliment in there? Pfffft… I knew that I had a nice personality and dammit, I was on a mission to prove it to him! Double win for him, double lose for me.
Interestingly, now that things are different (long story, but we have a baby and he has a girlfriend, it’s been fun), he has since said to me something like “It used to really annoy me that you’re really really attractive but you always apologised for yourself”. So really, my appearance had nothing to do with it. It was just a good button to press because one way or another I let him know that I wouldn’t argue if he wanted to use that excuse.
Also… you say ‘why me?’ It’s because you had a purse, it’s because your house was worth robbing. If you really were so sad and peculiar and ‘worse’ than him then there would be nothing for him to gain by being with you or putting you down.
I have an awful lot in common with you – I also had a manky time at school and have had mediocre-to-appalling self-esteem all my life, not to mention a soul-destroying run-in with someone who, on the surface, had all of the characteristics that I’ve wanted, like looks, charm, the big social circle etc.
But I’ve got to the point where I realise that, even if I am hideously ugly (which I’m not) or terribly annoying (which I hope I’m not) or stupidly socially awkward (which I am sometimes, but not always) then it STILL wouldn’t be an excuse for ANYONE – no matter how beautiful or delightful – to treat me like crap, to use me, or to treat me without care or honesty. Thieves and burglars can bog off!
You’re so much better than anyone – ANYONE – who treats anyone – you or ANYONE – like that. He sounds like a ginormous tool and you sound lovely 🙂
Yep Tracy, ding, ding, ding indeed! I think that people like your ex can discover a crack to wedge their foot in. It’s as simple as making that first comment and seeing your reaction to it. It’s asking their opinion on stuff they wouldn’t ask you about it, seeming uncertain, a hopeful look in your eyes that says you’re keen to please but actually, it’s giving them the time of day. Truly, if he was really as great as he made out, he wouldn’t need to say anything or undermine you to pump himself up. You gave him to much value and authority in your life but at least you know now that you won’t let it happen again.
Thank you very much yoghurt. 🙂
Your comments are inspiring. I empathise with what you said about the comment your exAC (Gitface) made..ahhh the classic backhanded compliment, I’ve heard that 1 once or twice and variations of it like ‘I love you despite/in spite of x y x’ . It’s not pleasant.
I just never got it. We broke up when I realized he was “destroying” me.
He’s still off now being the Mr. popular who everyone loves. I guess I have to keep in mind that it’s all superficial and that these people have no idea what he’s really like.
“But I’ve got to the point where I realise that, even if I am hideously ugly (which I’m not) or terribly annoying (which I hope I’m not) or stupidly socially awkward (which I am sometimes, but not always) then it STILL wouldn’t be an excuse for ANYONE – no matter how beautiful or delightful – to treat me like crap, to use me, or to treat me without care or honesty. Thieves and burglars can bog off!”
I’m glad you have gotten to this point yoghurt. 🙂 I’m there sometimes but there is doubt that I’m trying to work out.
Wow! You must know me…
The younger me, related a lot to this article. The older me… Not so much. That is a good sign!!!
Thank you for another good read;)
Oh, I’ve done the whole, “I’m not good enough for someone who’s behavior is an open and shut case of assholery.”! When you get right down to it, it’s like saying, “I’m not good enough to get food poisoning. Some other woman is going to be special enough to get that plate of bad shellfish. Why not me?! I wanted to be the one sleeping on the bathroom floor for three nights straight.” Talk about an emotional crack den (Nat, that is one of your greatest terms ever!).
I recently had to get very real, because I had BS-ed myself into believing that I was no longer carrying around any negative beliefs. I’ve been refusing to even consider dating, claiming that I’m not ready. While this is true, the reason I’m not ready is that I’ve still got it lodged in my skull that if I meet someone decent, they will drop me like a hot rock as soon as they have a better option. Talk about sounding irrational! Ok, so I spent five years boomeranging with someone that thought of me as a back-pocket option….but that didn’t happen because I actually suck. It happened because I put myself down as a doormat and it was his inclination to act that way to begin with. Time for me to step away from the cracked-out logic, because as Whitney Houston so eloquently put it, “Crack is whack.”
heehee! your comment about the plate of bad shellfish just made me laugh my head off. I’ve never thought about it that way but now that you’ve said it no other metaphor will do!
Glad you enjoyed girl! I like that metaphor too – in both cases it’s like, “How can this be?! It all looked so good on the plate!” 😉
Excellent analogy Natasha but you just *know* I love “crack is whack”. I think that especially as women, we need to stop the madness because it’s a very unproductive use of our time that keeps us knee deep in bullshit.
I know you’re afraid to date again Natasha. I suspect it’s part of your humour armour although please don’t stop making me laugh. The key is being honest enough to recognise it and to gradually work through it. You won’t know how ready you are to date until you 1) address your confidence issues about it and 2) try.
You are many times wiser than you were before. I can’t guarantee that you won’t be approached by another clown but I pity the fool that tries with you! I can just imagine you doing a citizens arrest for assclownary offences. Or walking away with your head high. The point is when you’re ready you’ll handle dating.
Nat, you are so very right. Now that I’ve gotten real about it, I just have to be patient and work through it so I can get over it. Truth be told, I need to get over myself a bit too! I’m always afraid of “looking stupid” if someone rejects me and it’s like…to WHO?! I mean really, do I expect to be signing for a FedEx package one day and have the delivery guy saying, “Ahhhh, so you’re that girl who got dissed! We were all just talking about you in the sorting room.”? This seems unlikely. You’re right, it’s also unlikely that I’d get caught up with another fool again – I love your citizen’s arrest idea! I want my badge to say, “I know you did NOT.”
p.s. I totally agree that humour is my armour at times – it’s interesting, because without it, I’d probably still be unable to get real and thus, if I’m being 1000% honest, possibly still boomeranging with the last clown. Talk about laughter is the best medicine!
your shellfish comment should be a bumpersticker. can i repost that snippet on my facebook page?
lol
Of course you can! 🙂 I’m so glad you liked it – I’ll get right to work on those bumperstickers and, for my UK ladies, a set of embroidered tea towels haha!
I’m trying, I really am. This post covers the emotional work that I am smack dab in the middle of working on.
I’m in the final stages of putting together an application for a tenure-track job. The application looks great. I am a strong candidate. The process has been stress.full. but I am managing and noticing when I’m adding extra stress by worrying about things I can’t control (what if they only want fiction writers? I looked at their dept and they already have an x, or a y, why even bother applying, etc.)
I’m swinging back and forth between, holy, I put five years into this PhD and that is what I draw on now to apply for this job – that is a LOT! I have put a lot of work into this! Good job, me! … and … I am never going to be a powerful person, a person with money and influence, in this line of work.
Do you know I still want to be a wealthy person? And by that I mean able to buy a good property in Vancouver, which is about as easy as buying property in NYC or London. I still think I want to run a business, but hate the idea of pushing a product (unless it’s art or media I care about)?
I am working these conflicts out. I know I “shouldn’t” want to be affluent, but just like I “shouldn’t” have wanted all the pretty, innocent girls who haven’t been raped to one day feel my pain, thinking in “shoulds” hasn’t helped get beneath what fuels those desires.
I *still* think of the ex often and I feel like I’m swatting flies away internally. Images of him, of his mobility, his financial freedom, his fricking kayak and his wine collection, they flit into my mind and I shoo them away. They buzz about still.
I come to rest on the short-term goal of getting this job. Then I’ll figure out my desires for more worldly and entrepreneurial power and personal satisfaction after that. Is wanting what I see other people having (why should they have that?) the same as wanting perfection? What is the difference between feeling I’m not good enough and simply feeling that I’m fine, just my “personal net worth” could be bumped by a few hundred K? I’m tearing myself apart not wanting to go get the job that could make that (the dollar figure, not necessarily the financial indepedence) a reality.
@Magnolia: You can’t have everything anybody else in the world has. I bet even those rich and successful guys you’re mentioning don’t have all the good things in life. Maybe even right now, you are more “rich” than they are, considering the entire package of talent, creativity, wisdom, experience, achievements and so on.
But that shouldn’t stop you from pursuing further goals. You can’t have it all, but you can strive for quite a lot of things. More money maybe, or more fame, or more freedom or maybe breaking free from that questionable “in crowd” in your country as a first step (didn’t you mention getting your books published in the U.S. was a way to bypass them?).
I used to harbour some bigger plans too, but I had lots of excuses for not pursuing them. Years ago, I wrote a piece of software (I don’t work in IT, but I have many years of coding experience) that does its job very well and is already in use in various places. Yet, I always hesitated to publish it (as open source software – trying to sell it would be futile due to the nature of the market).
I thought: Making my software nice enough to be published would take a lot of extra effort. What if people reject it? What if nobody uses it? What if nobody “gets” the idea behind this software, even if it does its job so well?
What if all those guys say: This stupid woman, she wasted so much time on this stupid enterprise. Instead she should be a housewife and be cleaning her husband’s toilet right now, that wouldn’t have been a waste of time! Which “mentally healthy” woman would spend her time writing software anyway? She should head to the gym instead!
I’ve also considered writing a nonfiction book for several years (I write for a living, but rather nerdy stuff). I have a particular topic (part biography, part investigative journalism) in mind that could drive quite a lot of attention…or maybe not…or maybe yes? Anyway, that topic has been on the table for a few years now, and I’m surprised nobody else has picked it up yet. Maybe it’s time for me to do it?
Yet I always thought: I’m not the person to write that book. Not me. “Other people” maybe. And then I end up envying all those “other people” because they “are so great” why I am “0nly crap”.
Isn’t that a stupid thing to do?
EllyB
It’s not stupd – it’s understandable.
I heard a writer on the radio the other day. He said that those who actually write (rather than just think about it) are COMPELLED to write. They can’t say no to it.
I guess you ask yourself – do you want it enough? There are things I “want” but am happy not to have (like a huge house) because I’m not prepared to put in the hours. I’d rather have the down time and the sleep.
Maybe you don’t want it enough and that’s okay. It doesn’t make you less than other people who do. But if you do want it, you just have to … do it.
@Grace: I agree, particularly if it’s about money. Earning more is a very abstract goal. We all want more, but would we really enjoy the process of getting there? I think many of us won’t, but others might, if they could just get rid of all those false excuses.
As for me, I would really enjoy writing that story. It’s that fascinating it seems to scream “publish me” at me whenever it’s being mentioned in the media (parts of the topic have been covered by newspapers, but the whole story has never been written, as far as I know). Plus, doing the research would be fun (and a big fat challenge including the risk of pissing some powerful people off). There are also some serious obstacles, such as my daytime job (in most cases, you can’t make a living from writing nonfiction).
On the other hand, I might even get my employer to support the project by allowing me to work part-time for a year or something like that. If I did manage to write that book and get it published, it might actually be fairly beneficial for them. But how would I ever find out if I don’t even ask them?
I postponed that project partly because I had other goals that seemed more worthwile. One was trying to get promoted by my employer, which I did – to a job that was very attractive on paper, but absolutely horrible in reality due to certain strategic decisions my employer made decades ago. Instead of doing real, challenging work, I had to do “fake work”, like all my precedessors (I’m not going into details here), because my particular working conditions didn’t allow any other approach. I couldn’t stand doing this (plus my personal life was unbearable too due to the same crazy conditions), no matter how high my status was on paper. Luckily, I was able to get my old job back. Quite frustrating (back to square one???), but at the same time, I’m really glad I returned.
Well, my other “worthwile goal” was trying to “learn” what I did wrong as a child, why I was always angry and couldn’t love my family like any good girl? I thought I had to learn to put up with abuse and to find fault in myself whenever somebody treated me badly. Well, now I know this goal absolutely wasn’t “worthwile”.
Which brings me back to the book project. I obviously want to do things, I need challenges, I like power, I like responsibility, I don’t mind working hard (as long as it is for my own benefit and not for some asshole’s). Many of my reasons for not tackling that project were just excuses. And desperately trying to please AC instead of writing a book is obviously a bad choice.
EllyB — after reading your new comment, about the book…
You know that thing of baby steps? You’re way ahead of yourself. Instead of this huge, mentally and logistically daunting (and procrastinate-able) monolithic goal of “the book,” why not see if you can put together a book proposal. That’s how nonfiction publishing works. You write a proposal. Doing so clarifies for you the main points you want to make, the research it will entail, sets some boundaries (because before the proposal the book you envision covers *everything*), and in the process you learn whether you’re up for this. Then you shop the proposal to literary agents, and their feedback will let you know if they’ve seen something similar in the works, or what they think would make it marketable. That refines the project, and gives you a sense of the actual work ahead of you. The proposal is a realistic goal, and doesn’t require changing your whole life. You may find (as I did) that what you really have (or are up for) is an excellent, unique-perspective *article*. Or you may get totally jazzed and see the book take shape.
@ixnay: You’re certainly right about all the steps involved. Anyway, maybe I should have mentioned that publishing books is pretty common in my field (no bestsellers of course, because it’s niche). Plus, I have already published quite a lot of stuff on that particular topic (also due to my day job).
And anyway, a book project would certainly be huge and require a lot of additional resources. At the same time, the benefits of it would quite likely be limited (and of course, it could fail early or even later in the process). That was the main reason why I told myself I shouldn’t even take the first stepts.
But then, it would be more worthwile than trying to make ACs love me. That’s how I wasted a lot of my spare time and energy in the past!
If you try to please AC or an abusive family, you are going to fail for sure and suffer in the process. The odds of a big project that’s not completely unrealistic would be much better. Oddly enough, we often focus on the former and find a lot of excuses for not trying the latter.
Hi ladies –
I have sent off the application – a big thick stack of paper. The salary range is 63K to 112K for asst profs at that institution, making the mid-range 87K (you can bet that pharma and business profs are at one end, and English profs at the other). I would be happy to start at 87K. I have a figure in my head that I’d be willing to come down to. But I get ahead of myself. I haven’t even had a job offer! NML suggested writing down what affluence means. For now, that figure and this position would satisfy me, so I guess that’s the range I’m thinking is both ambitious and realistic. Will you all visualize with me? Yes, it feels miss-too-big-for-your-britches to visualize this, but you can bet that some of the guys in my position, vying for entry-level prof positions, are aiming this high and higher. If I were to get this job, Magnolia would be in another city, and able to think about a condo, by September!
Okay, so this is the professional equivalent of writing out my name with a new guy’s last name before we’ve even had the first date! Let’s save that thought for now and visualize getting a phone call.
Out of sync with me? This “out of sync” state is one that I have normalized and been long frustrated with. Always art versus money. “Nice guys” versus men who provide at a certain level. Yes, I think I will write some things down. I want two things at once: I want artistic freedom, and the autonomy to create my own projects, I want openness and transparency and I want to get paid well, without having to do too much close-lipped falling into line with corporate higher-ups.
I need to go into solution mode. What can I do to address being out-of-sync? I feel like it’s saying, to use NML’s example, hey, there must be a way to make millions as a bus driver!
EllyB — I’m sure you know this, but the open-source software community is a welcoming, collaborative, diverse space. And it is full of some of the nicest guys you’d eve want to meet. And they welcome code contributions — you don’t have to get it to some perfect state, because you put out what you have and then people help make it better. And they love and respect geek-girls and find obsessing on making code better very sexy.
In other words, your internal construct around this is entirely fictional. And if you did some online searching you could find meet-ups and other groups online and off for exactly the sort of software you’re developing, and make some connections and meet some great people and move the world forward a bit in sharing your code.
I met this woman at a drupal party. She’s a therapist, but was developing her own website and then helping friends and then got really into the drupal platform (open source as well) and then joined the irc channel, went to the meetups, and she is so into it and the social life around it.
I’m just saying that there’s this huge open door and in your mind it’s a barricaded steel combination-only dead end.
Mag, I hear you! I’ve thought, “Well, I got the job/client, but I’m still not where I want to be.” and there have been times when I beat myself up about my parents helping me out when the economy sucks. Fact of the matter is, it’s only money and it’s nice, but it’s not everything. It’s also totally normal to want financial freedom – who doesn’t?! It’s funny, because most of the guys I’ve dated have been pretty wealthy, like your ex, and I’ve sat there and thought, “Why can’t I be that successful?” One thing I do know is that it’s important to love what you are doing and from the time you’ve invested in your PhD, I can tell that you do! Keep giving yourself the credit that you deserve 🙂
Hi Magnolia, one of the things I’ve observed over the years is that when your financial circumstances were difficult in childhood and you in fact, have a number of specific incidences associated with money, status etc that would still make you wince or even feel quite devastated, money, power, status, material things will be quite important to you. It will be like a near primal urge because it’s like it’s been bred into you. I remember one reader from a few years back still feeling immense amount of anger and shame as she’d lived through bankruptcy, her mother going out to work because her father didn’t/wouldn’t and how their status fall was palpable in the neighbourhood. She was early 50s when we started talking. Oddly actually she was more angry at her mother. Until she started talking about the source of drive and her acting like she was poor even when she had money, she didn’t even recognise how deeply she was affected.
It is interesting though that being wealthy and having status *is* important to you and yet you’re in a line of work that would not actually create what you want, so you’re out of sync with you. It’s like saying you want to be wealthy and then getting a job as a bus driver, nurse etc. Either you don’t actually value wealth, status etc as much as you say you do or you have potentially opted out of something that could have given you those things out of a fear, lack of confidence etc.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be affluent. Nothing at all. But you have to be being and doing things that create that affluence. If there’s one thing I know in life, while occasionally some people get lucky and have a wealthy opportunity handed to them and then others inherit, the rest of us have to work for it. Saying you want to be affluent but then not doing things that create that lifestyle is like saying you want to be thin or look a certain way and then eating McD’s and all sorts of junk every day.
And, I’m going to hazard a guess here that this conflict is how you ended up with the AC ex. You could continue to be in your field and retain your authenticity and be with someone who had wealth, status etc which is a bit like moving in beside the posh house and hoping your value will go up by association. Unfortunately the experience ate away at you and had you going against your values.
Sort your conflicts out and be in a job or working towards a job that creates the financial independence. Fact is, you will continue to be dissatisfied if your don’t go for the job, but you still want the money. Wanting what others have is envy, not perfection. And keep in mind that if you don’t address how you feel about money etc, even when you *have* money, you’ll still have a poor mentality and feel like you don’t have enough. I’d also avoid being airy fairy about it. What does being affluent mean? How much? What will be the markers? How will you get there. Write it down.
“thinking in “shoulds” hasn’t helped get beneath what fuels those desires”.
Interesting words, Magnolia. This tension between what we should be and what we desire, want, can create a schism. I relate to you in a similar vein– in that I espouse the disavowal of wealth and affluence (together with all the accompanying trappings of normalcy, conventionality, people in the humanities/arts seem to have to buy into the dogmatic idea that money stinks doesn’t it?). However, I cannot help but admit that I need it, and I’ve realized that there is really nothing wrong with acknowledging what we want/are drawn to, to fully come to terms with and embrace them, it’s more crucial to be able to reflect on motivations/undercurrents behind our desires, and to be aware of what the pitfalls/implications/trappings might be.
I read Natalie’s response and I thought the correlation that she made between your difficulty and struggle in reconciling these “shoulds”, who you want to be vs. who you are/might be, and getting involved with your ex, is quite a persuasive theory. There’s a cliche that says we’re drawn to what we don’t have. Again, your description of how you feel about your ex (financial mobility, comfort) is something that I feel too, when I think about mine. I’ve never conceived of myself as materialistic but I’ll say it– there is something alluring, attractive and powerful about those in possession of wealth, a *kind* of self-assuredness. Perhaps to take the cliche a bit further: we’re drawn to what we subconsciously want to be, but don’t want to face up to so we end up transferring all these unacknowledged desires to someone else. Maybe.
Good luck with the job search, Magnolia!
All I can say is…
F* Yeah! Another grand slam with this one, Natalie.
For people who are constantly struggling on feeling good enough…*WHO* gets to decide that you’re good enough for anything?? YOU DO.
No one can make you feel pretty enough, sexy enough, smart enough, (insert insecurity here) enough.. the only person who can change that is YOU. I’m still battling with my inner critic (by the way, her name is dirty Harriet ). I learned that if I ever wanted to change my negative mindset about myself, I needed to take responsibility for my own emotions and actions, which helps empowers me to take the next step to making me feel soo gosh darn good enough and to get where I want to be.
To all you ladies out there fighting their inner critic– Use those negative feelings about yourself to fuel the transformation of a better you! 🙂
woop woop.
Mika xx!
I love that your inner critic has a name Mika – I must name mine pronto! “I learned that if I ever wanted to change my negative mindset about myself, I needed to take responsibility for my own emotions and actions, which helps empowers me to take the next step to making me feel soo gosh darn good enough and to get where I want to be.” Very well said.
“I’m worried that I’m not good enough for someone I claim is a narcissist. I combed the internet, everything says run Forrest run, but I’m wondering why they couldn’t make me the exception, even though they’re dangerous”
The above quotation describes me to the point. I haven’t been on this site for a while because it was honestly to painful to read. My NC broke after 10 mos and then after 2 runs in and alot of embarassing behaviour on my part. I stopped. Seeked Theraphy, realized that the therapist feels that he is strongly Narcisstic diagnosed him with NPD. And yet, the main question I have is…. why oh why am I not good enough for him. I mean good golly. Why couldn’t he choose me? Me..I’m asking why the Narcisstic or at the very least uncaring man didn’t choose me.
Ridiculous. Near sucidal, completely depressed, no reason to function… highly independent girl turned completely lunatic and depended on him.
He’s an ass. And I’m wondering why I’m not good enough. Nuff said. Tears.
Ps. How do you add a picture in the little profile box? I’ve searched the whole site for an upload button.
Hi Anari, I’m glad that you decided to see a therapist before things got any further out of hand. And the situation was out of hand because much as he clearly has his issues, you were crossing boundaries by not stepping back and attempting to control his agenda. As I said to you when things were kicking off, if the roles were reversed, the police would have been on his case. This whole situation has nothing to do with being ‘good enough’ for him. That is not why people choose people to be with them. He doesn’t want to. Just like you and many others haven’t wanted to. He doesn’t *have* to be with you just because you know he’s fucked up and for all intents and purposes you can actually do better. He doesn’t owe you a relationship because he’s an asshole.
You are epitomising the inverted ego issue. You have set yourself up to fail by trying to extract love from an unwilling and even incapable source because it’s like it’s not love unless you win over someone that doesn’t want you. On another level, you know he’s a jackass, so then you’re also at the mercy of ‘Why the eff doesn’t this loser want me?’ because then you wonder what is wrong with you that even a loser who you think should be cartwheeling that a woman like you wants him, doesn’t want you. It’s not ‘What is wrong with me why I can’t win someone that doesn’t want me?’ You need to answer the question of why you need to win someone that doesn’t want you?
Who are you so angry with? What is it that you’re avoiding that has you trying to control something that is beyond your control? Why are you treating him like property? What previous hurt and rejection has *this* experience triggered?
If you’re still wondering why you’re not good enough for him, it’s just a sign that you need to stick with the therapy. You will get through this. But I would also use the time to talk about *you*. Don’t just spend your money working up a diagnosis on him.
Hey Anari,
I really, really feel for you. Of course you are good enough. Like you my therapist has mentioned the possibility of my exAC having NPD. Maybe she’s correct, maybe she isn’t I dunno…I don’t go to her for that though, I go to her to vent the anger. I go to her to try and fix my self esteem so I can meet someone who will treat me with care, love, respect and trust. If your ex has NDP he will never do this for you and it isn’t your fault and it isn’t because you are not good enough. These people are disordered, manipulative and lacking in empathy. It is built into who they are and it is unlikely (I would fathom impossible) that he will ever change. You could put another woman into your situation and there would be similar results.
Use your therapy time to work on you because there is better out there for you. Someone who doesn’t treat you with love, care, trust and respect ISN’T good enough FOR YOU. Not the other way around.
Thanks bluebell, it’s been tough especially since it took everything outta me to walk away and maintain dignity in the first place- the run ins triggered me and I lost control. Really embarrasses but glad I got all my anger out. In therapy I work on me but the therapist believes I need to know that his behaviors made me damned if I did or dimmed if I didn’t. It helps when the outside therapist feels he’s got issues. Regardless gotta work on me. Everyday is a struggle I don’t believe I can do better even though I’m anacomplished woman and I feel he thinks the same. I’m not in a good place but I’m ploughing through and remaining nc trying to not think of how amazing the other woman is who he moved on to.
@Anari,
It’s often the people who try to end up loving/helping carrying for Narcissists, who end up seeking help, treatment and therapy from Narcissistic abuse.
It’s no point trying to understand them, when they are not interested in self-enquiry or open to dialogue. It’s best to invest those energies in ourselves. Clearly, getting involved with a Narcissist alludes to one having personal issues that need to be looked at.
It’s a tremendous blessing that he didn’t “choose” you, Anari. You’d be only a residual shell, of your former independent self, probably getting closer to lunacy with prolonged contact. Honestly, can you imagine being married to this man? What would daily life be like?
I hope that therapy is helping you to understand and heal yourself. Take care!
I get what you are saying Anari and have walked in similar shoes. For me it was a relief when my therapist implied that my exAC might be disordered somehow, and mentioned narcissism and told me that his behavior had nothing to do with me.
In terms of this other woman who’s ‘amazing’ that is just coming from your perspective and right now your confidence is not too good. I would pity her for being stuck with him.
I understand your struggle but things will turn around. Stay here, keep reading, there’s plenty of nice supportive people to help guide you.
Anari – I feel your pain and can so relate. I’m healing from a bad relationship and my therapist too feels that my ex was either a socio-path or narc. Its been the most devastating experience of my life. In a matter of mere months, I went from independent, happy and confident girl to a total wreck. I had embarrassing run-ins with him leading to his filing a restraining order against me (later found out he had also filed against another ex-GF. Just felt so used and angry. Not proud of my actions but I also know I’ve had other relationships that didn’t end like this with everything going of the rails. I really feel he was a predator and I was easy prey b/c while I was generally happy with my life, job, family and friends, my heart yearned for a deep love. The first time we met, he lured me in with a boatload of charm and false modesty, telling me I could have any guy I wanted. I think this was his sick way of testing the waters. In any event, stick w/the therapy, fix your issues, heal slowly and don’t beat yourself up. The biggest stumbling block for me has been caring way too much what he thinks of me (even though he’s bat shit crazy) and the embarrassment and shame I feel about my humiliating and desperate behaviour. I’m trying to look at as a learning experience and a lesson I never want to repeat. Your post touched my heart and helped to know I’m not alone. Take care and stay strong.
Brilliant yet again, Natalie! I’m in awe as to how you are able to come up with such rich, insightful, intelligent articles every couple of days. I’m writing a thesis, and I find it a constant struggle to get words on to the screen. You make it look effortless!
Yes, I’ve struggled with feeling not good enough my entire life. I put it down to being bullied throughout my entire school years, in which I was told on a nearly daily basis by my peers, in the form of both words and actions, that I was not good enough. This was due to my physical appearance (a facial abnormality that was fixed at 18years). In addition, the school I went to was quite rough, and I was considered a bit of a do-good-er because I wanted to do well at school.
I’ve turned my life around. Today you would not recognize that shy, socially awkward teenage girl of years past. However, being rejected for so long left scars. Throw into the mix a tendency towards perfectionism, and I still struggle with the “not good enough” syndrome.
It takes a lot of effort LA and it’s not effortless at all but thank you!
I have a friend who was overweight in her teenage years who has the figure of a model now. Inside, she’s been the overweight girl until she addressed those feelings. It’s reconciling inside with outside and it takes time and consistent effort. I had a habit of negative self-talk that I didn’t even know I’d had all my life until one day I overheard myself saying some terrible things about me. It was a huge shock. Outwardly attractive, successful, confident woman ripping herself to pieces on the inside and telling herself she wasn’t good enough and would be worthless and good for nothing. I’ve broken the habit but actually, it’s something we have to actively work on in the background and push past our comfort zone.
I saw your comment as well about Imposter Syndrome – a friend told me about it a few months ago, and then talking with another friend a couple of days back, I told her, and I actually started writing something about it, which after seeing your comment I take as a sign 😉 Just remember you have already surpassed whatever you thought you were going to be back then. If you weren’t ‘good enough’ then and have now changed so much, how can you not be ‘good enough’ now? Make sure you write down what ‘good enough’ looks like – it will help you see where you are with it and also identify anything unrealistic. Anything that sounds like perfectionism should be scrapped – if everyone else can’t be perfect, why are you trying to be the exception?
I really dug in and went overboard with a project at work. It was my first time doing it and was literally feeling my way through the dark. The deadline is nearing and as I realized today when I double checked the end date that I had done wayyyyyy too much. Not knowing what I was doing, in the beginning I wasted tons of time putting all this stuff together and creating all these nifty colorful charts. Organization you know. Reaching for perfection. Now as I reach the finish, I thought to myself today what I learned out of all that was I did, in fact, do too much. And this is at a job that isn’t something I necessarily like. I think I’ve given up and don’t even feel like seeking other employment. My plate is too heavy and I want to drop it. Heck with it. Heck with relationships. Heck with finding a job I love. Too hard, too exhausting. Don’t know my ass from my elbow half the time. Can hardly make decisions and stick to them. But it was nice to have a moment of “not so hard on myselfness” to see that I can give myself a break next time this project rolls around. It translates into my relationships. I often do not realize or know when/if I am doing too much or not enough. I guess it is a blind spot. I feel like I have to do so much and think so much. What if I miss something!?!??! I think part of my definition for being good enough is that there would be all these people around me, all these friends, all these men wanting me, etc. Since I don’t have any of that, I say I’m not good enough. Anyway, before I get deeper into my pity party, I’ll stop here.
Hi Colororange, what you did with that work project is what you do with your relationships for sure. It’s your upbringing – you weren’t raised with any healthy parameters and in also feeling like you were never good enough, it then means that you have no sense of what it’s like to do just enough, or do well because I doubt your father was high on praise and you probably don’t even recognise praise direct or indirect when it happens.
The truth is, you don’t *have* to do any of this – you’re an overgiver. One thing I know for sure, if you cut your giving and doing output by at least 50%, you’d have a more realistic view of things. For a start you’d see that you were doing too much, then that for certain things you can get the same result for less, and that you can do what feels positively comfortable instead of feeling depleted and ‘owed’. Everybody misses something – I wrote a book, people like it, love it even, but I can think of 50 or even more things that I could slip in there. None of us are doing anything perfectly – there is always more that we can do. The artist can add a few more brush strokes, the designer can tweak and spend more time on the detail, the athlete can train harder, the manager could say or do something differently, the sales person could have sold more or negotiated a smaller discount and the list goes on.
You don’t *want* to be believe that you’re good enough – *that* is your blind spot.
I guess you’re right that I could cut what I do in half. Considering the amount of time a lot of my co-workers spend chitchatting, out of their offices and gossiping, they still apparently get their work done. And it’s not the end of the world if something’s messed up. But if I spend any long periods of time out of my office and talking, I fear I look like I am not doing my job. I go above and beyond and have been consumed with things to the point of losing my marbles.
I can glimpse what I would look like as someone that felt good enough and it seems nice. I’ve spent so long doing so much that to pull back makes me anxious. What if I don’t do enough? How do I know when I’ve done enough? How do you measure something like that? As a young teenager I was a kleptomaniac (I’m not anymore!!). I would steal and my close friend did too. I remember one occasion she tried to get me to take something for her and I said no. She got so mad at me. She was used to me bending over backward and laying myself down so you could see “doormat” written large and bold on my chest. I’m still scared if I screw up, if I don’t do my usual “too much” then I won’t gain the approval I want……but then anyway it’s confusing.
Here are my symptoms of not feeling “good enough”:
– Not feeling attractive enough. I’m not perfect, but I don’t have any trouble attracting men. The ex AC used to be a model in his younger years, which was one of the reasons I was initially attracted to him – it validated me, somehow. It was like, “Oh, AC is attractive, and he is attracted to me. This must validate me and my appearance.” However, at times I often still feel ugly, and I panic that I will be rejected because of my looks, or on the opposite scale, that they are only attracted to me because of my looks – not my other qualities as a person. I’ve got to stop making physical appearance the focal point.
– Not feeling good enough as a friend. Even though I have lots of friends now, I have a hang up where I will wait for the other person to initiate the social contact (such as phone call, organizing to meet up, etc). Why? Because, secretly I don’t quite believe that they would want to spend time with me – that I’m not good enough for them, and I would hate to think that I’ve forced them hang out with me when they don’t want to. So, I need them to validate that I’m worth it.
– Not intelligent enough. A lot of us have it at work. It’s often called the impostor or fraud syndrome. I’m doing a PhD, and while I’ve been told that I’m talented, I don’t feel it. Instead I worry that my thesis isn’t good enough; that I’m not smart enough; that I will some how stuff things up. If I’m honest with myself, part of doing the PhD is about that external validation again.
So, because I don’t feel “good enough” within myself, I seek external validation from outside sources. Rather than being OK with me because I’m alive, because I’m a good person, I judge my worth on whether so and so likes me, whether so and so thinks I’m intelligent, whether the guy is attractive/accomplished/admired by others etc; by my own accomplishments/achievements.
I’m slowly learning to overcome this need for external validation – to be enough as I am, but it does take time and work.
I am so with you! This is exactly how I feel – not attractive enough – but I am – I’m told by lots of people I’m ok – if I believed it more it would shine out. Not a good enough friend – told by me ex I was a drain to everyone – not true, I am there for them and they for me. And I do the same thing about not ringing them and then building up hige stories as to why they haven’t rung me – its all rubbish! I have rung my friends this week and they have all said yes! If I make an effort so will they – the things we tell ourselves really don’t always serve us! And not being clever enough – goes back to being a kid when my sister was always the clever one and I wouldn’t amount to anything – when in fact I have done better than her at exams, at work and I have just got a degree. It was to prove to people but I need to start receiving all the good things I have done myself – like you say LA – I’m slowly learning to overcome this need for external validation – to be enough as I am, but it does take time and work!
Yep Jane, effort. We don’t realise that when we take this attitude of waiting for others to call us and then making up stories, that we actually inadvertently send a message that we’re superior and they should be pursuing us. Nobody wants friendships like this – each party has to make an effort and there shouldn’t be keeping score.
Good enough for what, indeed. It’s true the least “perfect” among us are the happiest. Self-acceptance is the key to happiness and also thinking more about what *I* want rather than what some phantom other person might want from me.
Spot on highlighting the ‘phantom other person’ Feast to Famine. Who are all these people we’re worried about pleasing? Or even worse, how have we homed in on one person and turned them into ‘God’? Trying to be perfect is a route to misery, simply because you never feel good enough. The reason why many people don’t feel good enough is because they strive to be perfect – they think that ‘good enough’ sounds less than in some way. One day you have to wake up and smell the coffee and say ‘I’m alright jack’ because continuing to reject yourself isn’t something that can continue.
It’s like somewhere a long long time ago, I was taught that if something was “hard to get” it was worth getting. Nothing could be farther from the truth! The more they pushed me away, the more I would scheme to make them mine. Somehow, everything would be alright if only I could have them. The stars would be aligned and happiness would finally be MINE! The sad thing is, its not even really ABOUT the other person, its about US. We pin our value on these ridiculous expectations. I often wonder what I would do if I hooked up with a murderer who asked me to help him bury a body. Would that be enough?? Or would I be all tickled pink because he chose ME to confide in. As extreme as that scenario sounds, its really not that far off because when we disrespect ourselves repeatedly and dig a hole to actually bury the bar underground, everything that we think we know about ourselves gets clouded by this insane desire to be vindicated in love.
“I often wonder what I would do if I hooked up with a murderer who asked me to help him bury a body. Would that be enough?? Or would I be all tickled pink because he chose ME to confide in.” Aaamen ExEmotionalCutter. This is one of the things that I’ve discovered through listening to countless stories of primarily women being involved with people who behave terribly and lack morals – it’s like we can feel flattered that someone is letting all of their assholery hang out. ‘Wow they trust me to be an asshole – this must be love!’ And let’s be real, there’s also something else in there – we’re pumping ourselves up against the backdrop of their lack of character. We can damn well look like near saints beside them. But if this is how we get our kicks and our value, it says more about us than it does about them.
@Natasha, I like the shellfish poisoning analogy. It is like saying “Ooh, you make me so sick, I don’t like the way I act/feel around you most of the time but give me more.” Craving poison, it is a sick addiction. At least we now recognize it for what it is.
“You’re good enough already. You’re good enough to go for the things that will positively benefit you.” Amen Natalie, that’s going up on my fridge.
Also I like the whole, write down your feelings/thoughts about the guy or situation, and see if it sounds like it’s “confusing and irrational.” The sick little emotional/mental merry go round that I’ve been on, I’ve jumped off of. Do I really want this guy, this guy who has treated me poorly, without care or respect, the majority of the time? No. Why? Because he’s not offering me a healthy relationship, just a crappy one. One that has upset me most of the time. Crumbs and a lot of head games. Ooh! Sign me up. I wish I had realized earlier how ridiculous and sick it was for me to want to be with him.
Yes we sometimes fall or care for people who don’t treat us right but that does not mean that we have to stay in contact with them or be close to them. It also does not mean that we have to act out whatever feelings we still may have for them. The article Nat wrote about “putting your hand up for a high five and getting air except it’s your heart in the precipice” resounded with me. That’s how I’ve felt. I deserve better. I will find better. In the meantime I’m working on me, loving myself more. I encourage you all to do the same.
CrumbsNoMore, I did the same thing with a EUM. I used to spend time with him, then go home and feel like showering because he left me feeling icky. He was a narcissistic sociopath who only talked about and cared about himself. He used me for the ego boost and I knew it was happening. The problem was, I felt that if I wasn’t good enough after all the love and support I gave him, how can anyone else like me?So instead of walking away, I gave more and more and more. Always available, always helpful, always on his “side” until one day, he decided to stop talking to me. Now I see how pathetic and weak I must have looked. How can you love a person who does not love themselves enough to refuse to be stepped on. I’ve always been attracted to selfish. People who care more about themselves than anyone else. They say we admire qualities about people we wish we had for ourselves. I have always looked at selfish as bad, but its actually healthy to some extent.
“Yes we sometimes fall or care for people who don’t treat us right but that does not mean that we have to stay in contact with them or be close to them. It also does not mean that we have to act out whatever feelings we still may have for them.” Brilliantly put CrumbsNoMore. My mum used to say “If someone asked you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?” I realise that some of us are being a sheep to shady people and also exhibiting a lack of self-control and being a sheep to our emotions and poor judgement. You might feel an urge to put your hand in the fire, but you know that it burns and you restrain yourself. If you keep feeling the urge, you then address why you keep being drawn to something that hurts you, instead of going ‘Ah shag it. I’ll just hurl myself in the fire because it’s calling me,’
Thanks for the article Natalie. I was feeling bad about myself this week due to a recent break up with an AC and found myself dialing up my ex EUM who I have been NC with for nine months. As soon as he got what he wanted from me (namely attention) he stopped with all the niceness and went back to being the prick that he is. As soon as he knew he had me and my attention he quit texting me and instead started ignoring my texts, typical I know. When I was avoiding him he was blowing up my phone, we had a nice talk – discussed the relationship and as soon as my interest peeked, he had had enough. Anyways, I have been sitting here feeling bad about something I don’t even want so thank you for the reminder. I broke up with him because of our incompatibility and his games so why am I so upset? There is nothing wrong with me for not being able to put up with his EUM behaviour; excuse me for wanting a real relationship. Time to move on and keep going, no sense in wasting anymore time thinking about him and why it never worked.
The great thing about this situation Violet (every cloud and all that jazz) is that now you know that he’s a tit and what he will do, the case and the door is closed. All he’s done is ensure you don’t so much as give him the time of day nevermind the steam off your pee ever again. He just wanted to win and have the upper hand. When he reaches out again, he’ll be met with silence.
“Bearing in mind how much of your life can be devoted to worrying about these things and avoiding making and sticking to a decision, it’s a long time to spend in confusion, conflict, irrationality or even an emotional crack den, which is stressful which has repercussions elsewhere in your life. ”
Thank you Natalie…. This post contains one of the many lessons that God and the Universe have placed before me.
This is so crazzzzzzzzzzzzy because I had a really hard night and day, just struggling, reading, meditating, reflecting, etc. on what the idea of just what is it that I really want to do with my life after I stop worrying about all of the things that “I don’t want….” That internal struggle…that’s me… “avoiding making and sticking to a decision, ….”
I think it is kind of like a fight between my ego, inner children, and authentic self, and all I want is for my real authentic self to “please stand up,” you know like on that television show To Tell The Truth (I think that was it’s name…my older brothers and sisters used to watch it, but I can’t remember the name… but I digress.).
I am on “the Path” as so many others, and believe it’s not from a lack of working to discover my authentic self that is…: I know she’s in their…patience, patience, she’s coming out….
I’m going to do the exercises you suggested, THANK YOU!! This post really cheers me up because it helps me take the next step, and I was really out of sorts today, trying not to be, but, once I discovered that most of my life is one big giant distraction, uggggggggggghhhhhhhh, but I feel so much better now, so thanks. 🙂 🙂
Sugar and Spice, much of what you’re going through is natural. We’re always able to articulate what we don’t want. That’s why when i ask people what they’re looking for, they’ll say 2-3 positive things and then launch into a whole load of what they don’t want. I think women in particular are still conditioned to feel ‘bad’ about articulating what they want, having needs, saying NO etc. In fact I know a lot of women that have a complicated relationship with money. As we don’t always value ourselves, we can feel bad about earning or worry about pissing off people.
Work out your short, medium and long-term goals as it helps to focus your mind. Looking at these lists gives you a sense of where you are and where you want to be – anything you do should be moving towards these things. Also check for conflicts and then crack on with making what you want happen. Make a decision and stick to it. Answer whatever questions you still have about your decision, resolve it and commit. Stalling on decisions happens because of fear of getting out of your comfort zone. The sky isn’t going to fall down. You can make a decision and adjust along the way.
You’re absolutely right! Thank you for the advice; I’m just scared to leave my comfort zone…. Ohhhhhhhhhh, I hate being out of my comfort zone; it’s just sooooooo, uncomfortable, but you are right, the sky isn’t going to fall on top of me, and yes, I can adjust, …yeah…ok…. I’m going to write out my goals…. This is a good time to do it too–right before the New Year. Thanks Natalie! 🙂
It’s sort of sad how much twisted logic people will come up with to maintain relationships that aren’t healthy and fulfilling.
The thing is, it’s probably easier – or at least more comfortable – to keep hanging on to someone you’ve gotten used to, than to actually take a good look at yourself, and then stand up for what it is that your heart actually desires. Too many of us opt for comfortable misery, and in the process, end up forfeiting our dreams.
Very, very well said Nathan and if more people got of their comfort zone and owned their own lives, there would be less of these relationships.
Man, I have so many silly worries. A school friend got married on the weekend, and I was happy for her, but still had the ‘what about me?’ reaction, just for a moment. I stemmed it quickly as it was so clearly self-indulgent, but then when I came home I found the Guardian online opened on my computer with some article about coming to terms with being a successful and single (for life) woman, and I had to remember Nat’s post about not buying to fear from the media. Additionally, over the last week, I have been asked out for drinks by three different men, and said no to all of them. Getting better at backing my reasons for saying no – it’s not simply me being wounded and shy. On top of this, I met a really lovely guy last night, but he’s a fair bit younger than me, so I started thinking about Demi and Ashton and how that turned out. Then I realised this was ridiculous. So, yeah, I seem to make things a bit impossible for myself! This guy’s waiting for a reply, and while most of me thinks it would be fun and nice, not least because he seems so kind and relaxed (and because I can handle these things better these days), I still have crappy worries about it not working out, so why bother, and those worries are watered by some other worry about how good guys are nice but can’t/don’t provide for you. Yikes. I said it. I have just been honest for the first time about this – I seem to equate AC status-man with being able to somehow look after me and my unborn babies. This is my crack haystack! (But please take in spirit of me being overall pretty happy and solid – albeit still some persistent relationship-fears for sure!)
Elle, I want to know what it is about your milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard! Can you teach? I wouldn’t mind having four interested parties to consider in a week.
Mags! Haha! I did wonder if I’d sound like the poor little ‘rich’ (desired) girl. ‘It’s so hard being me’. No, really, I do get male attention, but often from these guys who pursue me as if I am a formula 1 race track. Then, once I am settled, they’re like, ‘Oh, balls, I can’t control/subjugate/look down on her’. They’re the ones I have said no to, because I am trying to go against type as per BR guidance ; ). I imagine you were being rhetorical, Mags, but I am lucky in some ways to have lots of brothers, I am chatty and relaxed in social situations and I am genuinely interested in people. Doesn’t always count as far as relationships go (though other nice things kick in). But it gets a conversation going!
“…I am chatty and relaxed in social situations and I am genuinely interested in people.”
Elle, I double agree that these qualities are very attractive. I have a friend that is just so outgoing and such a delight to be around that she gets asked out more in the course of one week than I probably will in my entire life! Hell, I’ve never met you in person and I want to hang with you 🙂
Both of you are pretty damn attractive – funny, upbeat, wry, smart – from where I sit, and I have no idea what either of you look like. I was only being half rhetorical, lol! I think I can be like that, but then I feel like a flirt. And feel kind of mixed up about liking to chat with guys. Would love to have had so much brotherly guy energy that I could joke around without feeling like I’m flirting and kind of thrilled by the interaction.
Do you know the song? Kelis says she can teach, but she’d have to charge. Mind you, I think your milkshake is less … like a FB girl waiting to happen … than hers:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGL2rytTraA
Ah you do make me smile Elle! To be honest, I’ve found that when there’s a crack of anxiety, ‘signs’ will appear that seem to validate it. When I was single, I seemed to see articles *everywhere* about the lack of men in London and then the lack of black men epidemic. I only see these now when they’re pointed out to me by friends and readers. Likewise, when I was breastfeeding, there seemed to be a lot of noise about breastfeeding vs formula. I’m sure it’s still there, in fact I know it is, but I stopped paying attention.
And fear not re the AC-status – *many* women think in the same way. The strong like bull, confidence etc characteristics that many ACs have still equate to provider qualities for many women on some more primal level. It is an area that we as women really need to address because we end up double standarding to our own detriment. We want these qualities but then complain about the package it comes in, just like when we love unavailable men but don’t like unavailable behaviours they come with. There are many lovely men who don’t behave like arseholes that are more than capable of providing without having to erode your self-esteem in the process – I’m with one of them 😉
Oh my, what a great post for me to read today. I just came online trying to distract myself from my attached guy. I was worrying that I had displeased him by saying I was cranky and needed to take a break from our conversation. Why am I worrying about his feelings when he isn’t worrying about mine? I was cranky in the first place because he was rude to me, yet I find myself apologizing to him.
Do any of you have a guy who says something rude and then when you get upset says, “I’m joking” or “I’m kidding”?? Drives me nuts! When I tell him it’s rude, he acts like I’m the one who is uptight. Infuriating! Can’t win with him.
Spiral, it’s a bit hard to offer help knowing you’re seeing an attached guy and are just coming here for a distraction. He’s attached, and his behaviour when you call him on his rudeness is juvenile, but that’s the least of your worries. The fact that you want to commiserate over being disregarded by “your” attached guy feels disrespectful to what we’re here for – he’s not yours. I can’t respond to you, who are involved with another woman’s bf/husband/whatever, as if you are perfectly justified in expecting him to treat you better.
You said it, Spiral, you cannot indeed win with him. You can’t win with the attached. You can’t win with AC/mega-EU people. You never get to the next stage: mature, sincere and relaxed (non-wining/losing) love because it’s simply not possible. You usually enjoy a few weeks or months of perfect behaviour, then, when you’re ready to drive, you find yourself stuck in the car park of game-playing and rule-changing craziness.
I have not thought about or had flashbacks of the AC for some time now, but, maybe because I am going on a (casual, lunch) date today (figured that the fact that he is not a mega-achiever meanie was not a good enough reason not to go! ; )) or maybe because I copped a few stinging comments from the parents last night, the AC’s words that he was ‘actually’ pretending to be into me all the way along (almost a year) and was in fact not happy with me at all flooded my mind as I was washing my hair this morning. But then I said to myself that that was what happened, as much as we can know, and that was crap, but I made it through and now things are good. It’s interesting though, how this sh*t bubbles up from time to time. But it becomes less interesting and far less affecting. Same with all the other less-than-positive stuff I hear. It’s nice to finally have a healthy gap between input and reaction.
Unfortunately Sprial, the one thing he’s not joking about for sure, is the fact that he’s attached. Being rude and then saying it’s a joke is passive aggressive but in the tree of problems, that is the least of your concerns. Complaining about this is like complaining that an attached guy doesn’t call or come around like an unattached guy does – he’s attached, you cannot complain as if you’re in a ‘normal’ relationship. I don’t think you’re uptight enough! If you were, you’d have bounced his ass!
Spiral
Exactly. What do you expect him to do/say?
“You silly girl. I couldn’t call/text/come round/see you/make plans BECAUSE I HAVE A WIFE/KIDS/GIRLFRIEND/1000 OTHER WOMEN!!!!”
Of course he’s going to joke around instead. That’s what I would do in his position.
I suppose I should have clarified my situation.
I am no longer involved with him. It was a drunken one-night stand. We had been friends for two years while I was in another relationship, and when I became single he confessed his love for me, blah blah blah.
But when he indicated he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) leave his girlfriend to have a relationship with me, I did “bounce” him! But I have been trying to remain friends, which is probably a mistake because things are different now.
I came here for help on how to break free and move on. I am lonely and hurting and looking for support.
I am trying to remind myself that I am good enough to expect love, care, trust and respect.
Natalie, thank you for your honesty and non-judgemental advice.
Elle, thank you for your support.
Honestly,I have never felt good enough.
I think it started in early childhood,by teachers,freinds,boys,my step father,and it has continued on all thru mu adulthood.
I can even remember telling guys,”I’m not good enough for you”,and that information in the wrong hands is like ‘Nat’ says,GIVING THEM A BLUEPRINT TO SCREW ME OVER!
What makes me sick to my stomach,is that after how terrible I have been treated by the ex EUM,is that I somedays,somehow,still feel like I am not good enough,and thats why he treated me like shit and dissapeared on me…I am certainly getting better,but feeling good about me is a far road ahead,I wish it was just around the corner,and Nat and all you ladies were there to meet me…
Brenda
Brenda, I would try to be a bit more patient with yourself. It’s not like you had a ‘normal’ breakup or in fact, even a ‘normal’ relationship. You will have up and down days but right now, all you need to do is stop fighting the topline data in this situation and accept it. He disappeared which is cowardly and while he was with you, he at best had narcissistic tendencies that led to him behaving in an abusive manner. Neither of these things have anything to do with you Brenda, because I’m sure that if you heard someone else telling you that it was their fault they had the shit beaten out of them, or that it was their fault that someone was saying nasty things and playing mind games, you’d be like ‘Are you f*cking crazy? It’s totally not your fault! You didn’t deserve that, end of!’
Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous, thank you so much Natalie and all you ladies on this site, I am so serious about not only getting over this ASSCLOWN who, quite frankly I have allowed to treat me in a cruel and heartless way but also I am serious about sorting me out once and for all so I never end up in this type of relationship again, I know that it’s going to mean I have to step out of my comfort zone but if I want to move on, it’s got to be done so I’m going to be working hard from no on, reading each and every post that comes through, doing any suggested work from the no contact rule book and the mr unavailable book and really digging deep to change things around, I’m going to put my focus on my present and my future, take charge and really get things moving, I may not always find it easy but what’s the alternative? I have been or allowed myself to be so dragged down and just about every word on this post relates to me, I can’t do this anymore, it’s time to ring the changed otherwise I’m no better than him but that’s not why I’m doing this, this is about me and making a better future for me, my loved ones, everyone who knows me and everyone who doesn’t, I know that change has to start with me so here goes ………. I will achieve this with all you’re words of wisdom Nat and the support of everyone on this site and my friends, family and God. Thank you to all and good luck to all of us xxxx
Way to Go Karen,You and I are on the same page!
You know,whats so funny,is that when I was with this Man,I was someone who I didnt know.I was crying most of the time,nervous,worried,paranoid,and yet I still clung to this Guy.
I think because,despite the bad times,there were some good ones too,and thats the part I chose to hang on too.
Instead I should have been seeing the rages,the hot and cold,the kicking me out of his life and the list goes on…
He told me from the beginning what type of a man he is,which is vindictive,unemotional,anger issues,hates His Mother,and put his abusive Father{to women}on a pedastal.And yet that sill did not deter me from wanting to be with him.
I will admit,I did things unbecoming,like dropping by his house if he did call for a day,wanting to have the “talk” alot.I think because what he told me about himself was always nawwing at me,it was like “If I just showed him how much I care he will want me as much as I wanted him”Nope,not the case.
I have been in relationships before that have ended,and I have gone on,with pain yes,but I recovered,and I will yet agian.
But I can honestly say when your with an EUM,and it ends,it is more painful than anything I have experienced before…
So Today,I have chosen to work on me,not think about him,but always be thankful to the type of man he is so I know what Danger looks and feels like…
Big Hugs Karen….
LOve from Canada
Brenda
Absolutely Karen and *stay* serious because you will overcome this whole situation and come out the other side as a more fulfilled, personally secure person. We can focus on these people till the end of time, but that’s just a life wasted getting a Ph.D in why someone else is being a dickhead. I made a commitment never to dodge from the responsibility of myself ever again. Yeah it was painful initially, but I’m still standing and I’m *far* happier.
Natalie your question: “Ask yourself: Why am I worrying about doing well at a relationship that isn’t working for me and isn’t actually representative of my values? Why am I worried about pleasing someone that isn’t fricking pleasing me?”
My answer: Until meeting you and all the wonderful BR folks via cyberspace, it honestly didn’t dawn on me that someone would have to please me. I guess I figured that if I worked hard and pleased them, they would eventually please me. I didn’t realize things like this could be mutual from the outset. Again, thank you for all of the light bulb moments. He has to please me. That’s a novel thought.
I guess once the smoke clears from the emotional crack den (loved it), there’s another world out there where people treat one another with love, care, and respect. Thank you for opening my eyes to the possibilities…
Damn straight he has to please you Runnergirl. This is where many of us have fallen down. Focusing on pleasing them gives them a raised status that they don’t deserve while lowering our own statuses.
Hey Bluebell and Natasha
I also thought I had gotten rid of all that ‘crap’ I.e. I’m not good enough, but obviously not but even knowing that it’s ‘crap’ is a big step forward, now it’s time for me, us, to step up to the mark and be the fabulous people we were intended to be, I am soooo gonna work on this because otherwise I might as well either shit my door for good or wear a big sign saying assclowns welcome here, a ah, no way, this girl is gonna step up to the mark and become the authentic self I have been learning about, I will accept me for who I am and strive only to be a good decent honest open caring loving person, towards me, first and foremost and then everybody else, assclowns and the like excluded and due to past experience and your’s and Natalies help, I will spot these a mile off and give them the old wide birth!
It is a classic ego situation. I went out with this guy once and I just wasn’t interested. Actually, I didn’t even wanted to go out with him at first place. I guess I just was bored, maybe a little curious. Later, I found out that he deleted me off his facebook friends. I know it’s silly but I must admit that it irritated me. I immediately started to think “Was I rude?” Did I say something wrong?” Why is it that I can reject somebody but then have a problem with being rejected? Anyway, I flushed the situation.
Also, I am worried that although the guy is EUM and I no longer interested, he will magically turn into prince charming in the next relationship. Why should I even care? I don’t know but for some reason I need a proof that if guy is unavailable to me, he should be unavailable to another woman.
Liska, you’re being territorial about someone you have no interest in. You don’t have an option on every guy that has ever shown you any interest. What he does or doesn’t choose to be with someone else is absolutely none of your business. He totally did the right thing deleting you from Facebook – you’re not friends, you’re not interested and you even said you “bored, maybe a little curious”. He is doing what I wish so many readers would do – having some self-respect.
Also what’s this “no longer interested” stuff? You never were interested. You are unavailable to him. Do you think he’s going around checking to make sure that you treat every guy the same way?
You are behaving like a Miss Unavailable – you don’t want him but you don’t want anyone else to want him either and you want him to be hanging around like a blue arsed fly reminding you of his interest so that you know he’s an option and you don’t feel like he’s ‘rejected’ you. It’s not attractive when you’re on the receiving end of it – don’t do it to someone else.
I thank the stars the way I found this website:-)
The articles are slowly helping me remove my past baggage
You’re very welcome Smarty!
omg! how do you do it?! i rarely think about my ex-fling narc/eu anymore, other than my stomach drops out and whatnot when he comes into the shop i work in (which is frequently as in every other day)…but even then he’s out of my mind the second he’s out of the store…the last two times he’s been all glare-y and cold, i have no idea why, altho it’s waaaay preferable to the reset-button-let’s-have-a-friendly-conversation-about-absolutely-nothing that he usually tries to pull…but today i sat quietly and tried to figure out why he can still rattle me by suddenly and for no apparant reason switching tactics/moods whatever he’s doing which i will never understand and shouldnt really matter to me anymore, since i would never want anything to do with him unless he had a personality transplant.
This article was spot on….am i actually concerned i’m not good enough for his…what?! Or maybe just any sort of interaction with such a nasty person is rattling. either way, i really liked this one! thanks!
I wouldn’t read too much into the ‘rattling’. Most of us experience some sort of physical reaction when we’re around someone we don’t like or who even makes us nervous or fearful. It’s your body’s way of saying ‘Yo Youshizzle, I hope you still remember that this mofo is dangerous!’
Crack is whack..i love it Natasha! And yes, NML i too have often found myself wondering why we humans want so badly what we cant have or more importantly and if we are brave enough to dig a little deeper, what we really DONT want and definitely don’t need. It’s like trying to force that square peg into a round hole.
“ts like trying to force a square peg into a round hole then calling it “a perfect fit”. Yes Foxy!
And to add to my original comment before accidentally posting: Its like trying to force a square peg into a round hole then calling it “a perfect fit”.
“In fact, I’m worried I’m not good enough for a relationship and I’m not even leaving my house and meeting people.”
Boy does this sound familiar…After throwing in the towel on a situation with an unavailable man, I spent a long time not dating anyone. I had decided that it wouldn’t be a good idea to date with a broken heart. As time passed, it felt as though my heart had healed when in actuality it hadn’t. I was asked why I hadn’t been dating and after a long explanation, I said that I didn’t feel as though I had anything to offer a good man. I couldn’t believe those words had come out of my own mouth, I started to cry as I realized just how much that last situation had broken my self confidence…but in reality I have always had much to offer, I just didn’t realize it at that particular time. I have always been valued for my achievements, or what I did for other people. Never had I learned to value the content of my own character, or learned to appreciate myself independent of anyone else. I learned that a lot of the men that I chose were a result of that same mode of thinking. After all, if I wasn’t appreciative of the right things when it comes to myself, I had to figure that I wasn’t focusing on the right qualities when it came to men either… Much improved, but it’s a work in progress undoing years of unhealthy thoughts.
Great post!
“Never had I learned to value the content of my own character, or learned to appreciate myself independent of anyone else.” Love this Lia and this is a critical aspect of building our self-esteem, *self* being the thing that most people forget. Of course it’s a work in progress but at least you’re conscious about it now.
“I’m trying to ‘win’ someone that I don’t actually want… but if I don’t make them love me… it will mean I’m not good enough” (ouch), added to something Liska said earlier, about it being “a classic ego situation… and “why is it that I can reject somebody but then have a problem with being rejected?” and you have ME nailed down… I am currently really struggling in an emotionally unavailable mess, and have been off and on for FAR too long. Let’s count the red flags… He’s divorced but still living with his ex-wife and ‘with’ a woman (long distance) who’s he’s kinda in a relationship with (although when asked directly, he always plays it down, “I don’t know if she’s my girlfriend”, “we haven’t had sex yet”, “I think she’ll go back to her husband”, “I don’t know if she expects me to be faithful to her, we haven’t discussed it”, “I still want you/love you/miss you”), and he’s JUST come out of a really odd relationship with a hooker who he fell utterly in love with. I SO DON’T WANT TO BE INVOLVED WITH THIS MAN!! And yet… I have known this guy for five years now. For three years he pursued me and told me I was the best thing going and I TRUSTED (big deal for me) that he would be there for me if I ever got around to choosing him… Thing was, I never did choose him because I just didn’t fancy him, wasn’t remotely interested and was busy chasing down an EUM who couldn’t have cared less about me. Me and my gigantic ego were off having a lovely time being rejected and made to feel ashamed and not good enough. This guy was always in the background, listening to my sob stories (I confided in him) and stroking and soothing my bruised ego every time I asked him to… Classic Fallback Guy. Now Fallback Guy has moved on, I am riddled with self-doubt. I’m worried that he’s not picking me and I’m not good enough for him. I’m beating myself up for being really mean to him in the past (he said I ‘broke his heart’). I’m worried that Hooker was younger than me, worried that Long-Distance is more ‘his type’ than I am… I am completely FREAKED! What is it about me that I am SO UTTERLY DISINTERESTED in men when they want me?
M x, just reading this sounded exhausting. You are far too acclimatised to drama, stress, and a rather juvenile setup.
1) Divorced and living with ex-wife (woman #1)
2) ‘With’ a long distance woman (woman #2) who is also still married.
3) Just out of a relationship with a fricking hooker that he fell in love with (woman #3)
4) And then you.
You are unavailable also and in fact, you were Miss Unavailable until he did the bait and switch on you. In fact, you became a Fallback Girl when you became one in his list of options. Your ego meant that you determined you didn’t want him but like Mr Unavailables, you decided that you were going to take a few years to work out if you were interested. Now I don’t know what type of crack you’re smoking, but of all the things you would choose to trust in life when it’s such a big deal for you, why would you choose to trust that a man you don’t want that is already with other people, would be there for you if you changed your mind? You’d hope the guy would have a modicum of self-respect and go about his business.
Bad enough to worry about *one* woman but you’re worrying about *three* women. You didn’t break his heart – I’m not even sure he has one unless it’s his penis and testicles he’s referring to.
What are you avoiding M x. What in God’s name were you doing for *three* years that you used this man’s pseudo interest as a distraction tool? What are you avoiding now?
Yup. It has been exhausting. I have spent too long utterly mired down in, and addicted to, the drama. I have been on the emotional crack pipe. I have been a Mrs Unavailable and then a Fallback Girl, and I have been in denial about the reasons why I have felt the need to complicate my life in this way for SO long…
*sigh*
“You didn’t break his heart – I’m not even sure he has one unless it’s his penis and testicles he’s referring to.”
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at that comment… Either way, it’s a well-timed smack to the chops. Thank you!
As Natalie said, I am really scared that I am not making myself available for ” a relationship that is actually working well and healthy” because I am only interested in being relationships that I have to fight for. And, the truth is, when you strip away my incredulity at how stupid this all is, it actually really, really hurts.
Yes, this is current for me. I begged a friend at work to tell me while I keep running into people difficulties at work. She said I wind people up because I don’t conform. I’m trying not to interpret this as “not good enough”.
It is hard to be criticised, especially passively aggressively – what can you do? I guess I tell myself I AM good enough, and not twist and turn trying to conform to someone’s ideal of how I should behave.
Hi Grace. Work and the social dynamics are a huge source of stress for people as we spend a significant portion of our life there. Making friends is a bonus, not a guarantee or even a necessity. That said, it’s hard not to feel liked or accepted by your peers. As humans we desire acceptance and fear rejection – work can actually niggle at old wounds. You have to work out what’s important to you and it’s ok for their actions to bother you.
It’s not about changing your personality but it is about recognising that when you appear not to conform, some people won’t like it. I’m sure there are others in your office that aren’t bothered by it.
One of the directors at my old company told me I was brilliant and that I could go far but I needed to play the game and essentially not be (respectfully) honest, question things, and basically call a spade a spade. It seemed he remembered that I’d pointed out a flaw in a plan in a meeting and asked too many of the right questions. I was slightly taken aback and then I thought “Fuck him”. Other colleagues including directors respected me for the same reasons he didn’t. I’m sure I got on a lot of people’s tits but truth be told, many of them got on mine.
There were people who were promoted because they partied, shagged and whatever. That’s not me. Did I feel away sometimes? Yes but I didn’t even like my job and was yearning to do something else.
You do like your job Grace but I also think you don’t like to admit that much as you don’t conform, you do want to be liked – don’t we all!
Examine where your not conforming comes from – is it rebelling? Is it an urge to go against the grain, to not be pigeon holed, to be purposefully different? Or is it that you’re just being you and that it’s not really about conforming, it’s that you’re just different people?
I also wouldn’t sweat it too much – often their animosity has a lot of respect in there too.
One thing I learnt – some people would think I was ‘scary’ initially and then get to know me. I didn’t change myself but I did learn to be conscientious about also tempering my directness with friendliness, humour, etc. I’m very good friends with a number of these ex scaredy cats 😉
NAT…Have I told you today how Beautiful you are….
GRACE….Your amazing!
If I had one wish for Christmas,it would be to be sitting in a room full of all us Women,and talking,eating,and just having fun!!
Brenda
I’m trying to ‘win’ someone that I don’t actually want because we don’t share similar values and they’ve treated me without love, care, trust, and respect, but if I don’t make them love me, change, and basically win them, it will mean I’m not good enough.
I said this or similar to just the other day in a reply.
It sounds so stupid really really stupid in fact I laughed out loud reading it.
And yet it keeps me stuck all this thinking “Im not good enough”
What exactly am I not good enough for ?
I have battled for months to try and turn my thinking around to
“I’m too good for him”
and to see this and believe it.
I’m so frustrated with myself, the battle and struggle is hard to take.
I have to make a decision either put up and shut up with no more right to complain because things are not going how I want them but I am still engaging.
Or choose me and cut all contact and hope that the part of me that is dragging will catch up with my common sense.
I think of 2011 and what a failure of a year it was with me in stuck.
I think of 2012 and it is a blank canvas that he can wreck if I allow him or I can fill it in for myself.
Tulipa, Perhaps instead of thinking you’re too good for him you might just tell yourself that it wasn’t a good match and that you are looking for what feels good and works for you…I know for myself it is difficult to bring myself up by implying I’m better than xyz, and since I believe we are all on paths of learning it is best for me to decide that regardless of the reasons, things just didn’t work, I don’t want to demonise anyone…I just want better…I want what is good and right and meaningful and not full of anxiety and wondering and focusing and trying to fix what is not mine to work on…it is so hard to let go of someone that you love even when you know it isn’t working…but the fact that it is hard doesn’t mean it isn’t worth doing. Being friends with a former lover who you still want fervently just to be near them is creating needless havoc for you…if you are to be non-lovers it will take quite a bit of time away from them…it doesn’t mean that you don’t care; it is a way of caring for yourself…see? And also, in reference to your comments about fixing ourselves after damage…well, the alternative isn’t very productive and truly, if we don’t repair we will likely perpetuate the damage on others as well as ourselves because we haven’t addressed the hurt. It isn’t fair perhaps, but it might be that our learning will help others…I see a lot of that here on this site and I think this sharing is a gift that is immeasurable to ourselves and others.
Leisha,
Thank you for a different perspective to think about this situation.
It clearly wasn’t a good match or we’d still be together.
I realise everything I am thinking and feeling is because I put myself in this position it is all self inflicted. I didn’t listen I was stubborn I was so silly for humiliating myself all in the hope of winning, something I wouldn’t even like at the end of the day. I feel like an overgrown toddler having a tantrum over something I can’t have that isn’t even good for me.
I have seen from past experience that when we are apart I do well and I was doing well until he reignited the Florence in me so I can do it, the hope needs to die the hope that every time hes back in touch its to start things again.
Yes, we have to keep fixing ourselves I learnt long ago ain’t nobody going to do it for me. And who knows oneday I will have wisdom to share.
Tulipa, You are sharing wisdom now…and he knows your buttons…and now you know he knows your buttons and so do you so you can better protect yourself. I think you are fabulous!We learn as we go…
Tulipa
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO MORE THINKING!!
You don’t need ANOTHER perspective (no offence Leisha).
The hope doesn’t need to “die”. At this stage you need to KILL it.
Sorry to shout.
Great words Tulipa, I have copied and pasted into my diary….will read and read until it gets inside my head. I too want 2012 to be free of my EUM x
All the best, Miranda, may the year be about taking care of you and forgetting him.
Tulipa, I ain’t too proud to beg you to leave this man in 2011. Jaysus, let.it.go. Let it go! How stubborn can you be? It’s like you’re fighting this man for a relationship, and then you’re fighting him for friendship. You could have let this relationship go on the merits of his behaviour alone. By making this whole based on a criteria of proving you’re better than him before you will let it go, you have set yourself up to fail because you’re too immersed in it to see the wood for the trees. If you had cut this twat off and forced yourself to only look forward and positively at yourself, time and distance would have given you objectivity. You could have invested your time in therapy, improving health, sorting out other aspects of your life, meditating, doing fun things, writing unsent letters and the list goes on. There are 1001 things and beyond you could have been doing – why keep spending your time thinking about him? Think about something else!
You have never made a decision in this. Never. Oh you’ve said you have but the moment you have, you have backtracked and spent your time second guessing which means the decision has never had enough time to actually take root because you’ve never been committed.
The sign of a life being wasted is if you look back over a period of time and see that 1) nothing has really changed and 2) neither has how you see things. You are wasting your own time and energy – there is more to life than this man. You deserve better – give yourself better.
Thank you for your reply.
Everytime I have left this situation alone and there have been periods of time where I have just left it alone, particular when you told me I acted like I owned him and that I was in a prison of my own making, I did do well, but like you say I second guessed myself and always fell at the first hurdle.
It is time to let it go and to stop wasting time and life on him.
I have been making plans for 2012 to improve life and fill in some gaps in my life.
I did have counselling not about this situation but it did come up from time to time in conversation but she didn’t see it as a particular big deal and thought in my life I actually had my act together and so ended our sessions.
Tulipa
Your counsellor can only go by what you tell them. If you are conflict avoidant, you may – without even knowing it – be telling them what you think they want to hear. As your counsellor was signing you off and you were nodding your head in agreement, you could have said “No, I’m not fine! I’m still being jerked about by a bloke I don’t even like!”
Don’t be too quick to say that things “don’t work”.
Lots of things “work” that people consistently fail to do – giving up smoking, eating well, exercise, good sleep patterns, drinking less, mixing with good people, being optimistic, therapy, even medication. What doesn’t work is people pursuing their unhealthy habits, and even denying that they’re doing it. I finally learned that there was no point me paying £x to a counsellor for a “nice chat” or to keep pursuing my beliefs and old habits. I can do that myself for free!
Hi Grace,
The counselling was a while back now, I think I was unaware that I must have been covering up, I didn’t think we were a good match in many ways and I think I will look for someone more experienced.
I didn’t want to be signed off but felt I had no choice since the service I was using was free and she more or less implied that people caught up in their problems right now derserved it more than me.
I once tried to go back because she offered me that from time to time but she was on family leave. But it is time to root out my problems once and for all with someone else I think.
NML
You’re right, most people aren’t bothered or even like it. In particular the ones that really matter such as the bosses. We tend to zero in on the negative. A 1000 good things can happen but the 1001st thing that is not so good will cause us to doubt ourselves.
And, as I keep saying, you can’t please everyone!
Not Good Enough is a huge one but this post has some lovely encouragement. It is about challenging myself to say ‘not good enough for what?’ Its taking time for me but slowly permeating through – after nearly a lifetime of being told I wasn’t good enough by my mum and my husband and sort of by my ex I have had to take a hard look at that…who was I not good enough for? People who didn’t support me, who didn’t have anything I particularly wanted. With the ex I convinced myself he was better than me – he was so caring, seemed so together, so in tune with life….well by comparison to me who felt my life was a complete mess….but the reality wasn’t so – he didn’t want to HAVE to care or HAVE to keep his act together and would frequently go off and get angry and find reasons to break off and get back….this guy didn’t have the same values as me -he didn’t work, didn’t clean, lied, took from others and I knew it but I wanted to know I was good enough and all his actions said was that I wasn’t and that fit in with how I felt all my life – that was comfortable….
I have been / am a perfectionist. I have pushed myself to be the best in everything and berated myself when I have ‘failed’ (when actually I haven’t failed at all! Its like we need a ‘perfectionists annoymous’! I’m working on believing I am good enough! I have been on my own with my kids for 3 years, I have bought and rennovated a house, changed career, got a degree and held it all together and been there for me, my kids and my friends – boy do I need to give myself a break! I love what you say Nat – The person who embraces themselves and doesn’t strive for ideals that don’t exist and is self-forgiving and looking for growth in a positive way, ends up being far happier than the person obsessed with being the ‘perfect version of good enough’, blaming themselves for everything (because they’re all or nothing) and focusing negatively on themselves.
You’re good enough already. You’re good enough to go for the things that will positively benefit you. Stop fighting it.
Thanks
Come to think of it, I know a lot of older male coworkers who obviously want to be liked. But that doesn’t keep them from saying “I can’t agree with this” or “I won’t put up with that” if they believe somebody else is wrong. If anything else seems futile, you might even hear them mutter “Methinks this is complete BS” into their beards. Anyway, they are still well liked by most coworkers, and about the rest they obviously don’t care.
This is a completely different thing from always swallowing your anger and trying to please everybody on the one hand or from starting a fight whenever somebody does something unpleasant on the other.
EllyB
There is some sexism at play here I think. It’s okay for men to have a different opinion. Women are expected, or expect themselves, to be more agreeable.
And I’m going to be a bit sexist myself – women will cluster and talk up a problem that doesn’t really exist. Like who accidentally forgot to tell someone something and it mushrooms into WWIII *cough* (it was me). I think men don’t have time for that. Or, worse, they are in better jobs than us and can’t be bothered with minutae!
AGH
Grace: Being “expected” to do something doesn’t mean the sky is going to fall on our heads as soon as we act differently. Far from it! In my experience, if I simply act like a guy even if I’m not supposed to, it usually works very well. Of course, I should not ask people “Is it ok if I act like that?”, because I wouldn’t like the responses, but in the end, it doesn’t matter because it works.
In my experience, being assertive works especially well with guys. In most cases, they don’t even question this behavior. I guess some women might bitch behind my back, but most accept it in the end too.
Of course, you can act like that only if you have some power (at least informally). But don’t tell me you don’t have any power as a secretary (lol)! If you say no to something and your behavior is not against the rules or completely irrational, what should people do about it?
Of course, you can’t get them to agree with you. I think that is the problem with “bitching”. If people feel you don’t accept their point of view, if they believe you want to make them change their minds, they will quite likely get angry. I guess it’s just human to act like that, no matter how much you might be right.
I agree Grace. When I am assertive at work…..they ask if I am PMSing. When a male colleague asserts himself he is called confident and the issue gets addressed. I find it hard to be authentic at work without ruffling feathers. When I point out the white elephant in the room I get blank stares. Although I have always spoke my mind, I think I never learned to do it in a way that earned me respect or for people to take me serious. I get labeled difficult or nonconformist. My approach isn’t working and I’m not sure what the vibe is I am putting out because I feel like I am being reasonable. I have a hard time playing the game and it feels wrong because isn’t authentic for me. I am in need of a career change anyway, long time coming. I am burnt out in my field but the money is okay. Plus, I still don’t know what I what to be when I grow up. : ) I envy those people who love their job.
OMG — you nailed this one so good. I do think, like I am at the crack pipe. Need to change thinking asap. Scary how we can damage ourselves with just our brains. Thanks so much.
My goodness, Natalie, how do you read my mind every day? 🙂 These are the exact feelings I have been having lately – not so much not being “good” enough but wanting someone that doesn’t want me – well someone that acted exactly like what you are describing here…… not with honor and dignity, caring and respect, but with deceit and games and all the negative things that do not belong or exist, in a healthy, mature relationship. I keep asking myself why I would even WANT to be with this clown and yet knowing he is with someone new, who I KNOW will just be another victim of his selfish, manipulative wants, I still feel cheated somehow.
But I know I cheated myself: I became a person I don’t even recognize – giving up my wants and my needs and goals and now I am stuck with me. I am working hard to overcome this, but in my mind I believe there is a lesson here – There is some truth to the saying ” the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t ” either way, it’s NOT a good thing. So why do we do it? I have been NC for over two months, it is getting better every day, but it is still painful….. this article hit me hard…..because there is so much truth in it.
“Why am I worrying about doing well at a relationship that isn’t working for me and isn’t actually representative of my values? ” because I lost sight of my values and I must find them again. It’s a period of reverting back to the person I was before and was always destined to be – I really needed this article today and thank you for posting it!
As always, you are there with all the support I and so many others need. Thank you!
The only thing you’ve been ‘cheated’ of is the fantasy including a fantasy gold medal, as a result this means you’ve actually been cheated of nothing, but if you continue to focus on him, you will continue to cheat *yourself* Finally Caught On.
I laughed out loud when I read the caption on the photo of this post. It was put so well, so succinctly, that I just cracked up. Why was I twisting myself into knots, trying to change for someone I only refer to now as assclown? Why was I so willing to blame myself for everything and morph to meet some ideal he had, when he didn’t give a royal crap about me or how I felt. Inverted ego issues – it sure ain’t pretty but that’s exactly what it was. It was just so much easier to focus on him than on me. It was so much easier to blame him than to look at myself. It was simpler to believe that being with him was what I wanted, rather than ask myself what I really wanted. All this time, I have been thinking he was a train wreck and really, it was me. At least I can do something about that.
Oh but he’s a train wreck too Debra, for sure. An AC train 😉
Great post, and to me hammers home the point about why I believe the women who date these guys aren’t really “in love” with them.
How can you love someone you don’t even LIKE? Seriously, if our women friends pulled the kind of crap these guys pull on us regularly, wouldn’t you stop seeing them and taking their phone calls?
yup. and isn’t it amazing how *sometimes* it devastates us more to lose some random guy we shagged a few times than some platonic friend we’ve had for years. what’s up with that?
“How can you love someone you don’t even LIKE?” A to the effing men Molly!
“My answer: Until meeting you and all the wonderful BR folks via cyberspace, it honestly didn’t dawn on me that someone would have to please me. I guess I figured that if I worked hard and pleased them, they would eventually please me. I didn’t realize things like this could be mutual from the outset. Again, thank you for all of the light bulb moments. He has to please me. That’s a novel thought.”
runnergirl – you have put into words what I knew but couldn’t express. A light bulb moment for me too. This site is truly life transforming.
Thank you and thank you Nat.
I am new to commenting. I just literally ended a two and half year affair with a married man. I had tried several times to end before and finally did for good. He never claimed to leave his wife, but we carried on a physical relationship. It was emotionally draining. I was angry at him, at me, wondering what I was doing sneaking around. I felt exactly this way. I didnt want to be in a relationship with him, I just wanted him to think I was good enough to want me around all the time. It was crazy and devastating and too much for both of us. I have been a long time reader, thank you
hi katy,
my ASSclown moves out tomorrow after a 3 year so-called friendship/relationship. i am going NC. i hope you can too.
Katy, been there too. Your comment;
‘I just wanted him to think I was good enough to want me around all the time.’
Just says so much to me about the good place you are getting to, keep going. With ref to your later post remember you were not’overly dramatic’ to want things like regular phone calls and not being messed around..it’s completely legit and natural to want this.
Part of the mind fckery of these guys is to make you think you are wrong for expecting decent consistent behaviour. You are clearly in the process of the pennies dropping, continue to set your high own standards/boundaries …great to read your comments.
You’re welcome Katy. I think in the end, be thankful you’re out of it and be thankful really that he didn’t leave because you didn’t want him but you’d have felt obliged to continue which would have only led to more misery. I went through much of the same thing although the silly dipstick did pretend he was leaving for a while. What he didn’t realise is that a significant portion of our affair was dealing with the gnawing realisation that I didn’t and couldn’t trust him and that I wasn’t sure I’d want him if he left. Which he was going to anyway.
Reading this today was like looking straight into the mirror! A mirror that reveals way beyond the physical! I desperately need to work on ME and I have absolutely no idea how or where to begin!
Begin by forgiving yourself for wasting so much time on HIM. Then eat well, exercise, see friends, rearrange your room/house, etc…and remember it’s better to be alone with your own good company than with a person who is not treating you with respect/care.
@CrumbsNoMore ~ thank you for sharing that, I can relate 100% with what you said, no matter how badly he treated me, even when we were ‘getting along’ I wasn’t really happy, if I’m honest ~ I’m with you babe, I’m working on me so that when I’m ready I’ll be in a position to meet a ‘real’ person who is decent, honest, loving & caring ~ yay, look forward to that day although for now, it’s not even on my radar! Xxx
“In fact, I’m worried I’m not good enough for a relationship and I’m not even leaving my house and meeting people.”
Wait, you mean I have to leave my house to find a relationship?
jk– this one is so true for me. Right now, I just want to stay home, knit, cook, and snuggle my dog but I guess doing this long term isn’t going to help me meet new people and, eventually, start dating again! I think I will put a timeline on it, and then make myself get out of my little comfy apartment and do new stuff at least a few times each week.
I am humiliated over my behavior. I disrespected myself and thought we were “friends” . I would become angry at him when I didn’t feel I was getting enough attention and we would argue and nothing would change or if it did, not for long. I should have walked away and now i look like such an idiot. I still feel jealous of all the other people he treats well, and is friendly with, and even slept with. I was demanding of him and wore him down. I used to get such horrible feelings i would ignore when I would visit. I kept trying to end things on a high note and dug myself deeper and deeper each time I went back.
Hugs. Been there, done that.
Chalk it up as a learning experience and move on.
It’s more than likely the rest of his harem/friends “wear him down,” too. I wouldn’t worry about feeling humiliated. Whatever behavior you engaged in or things you said that you regret will make you more aware of how you act the next time with the next person. It will help you stay in the moment, shore up your boundaries, and walk away instead of putting your ego out there thinking you could get him to change his behavior.
They aren’t going to change for anybody. Congratulations on being away from him!
I feel your pain. Please know you are not the only one who has been in this situation. It sucks but you will make it through. You deserve more. You deserve everything you want.
Big hug from me to you.
Hey Brenda, what you want to feel may well be just around the corner, I’m not expecting miracles but after nearly 6 years of being treated quite appallingly ~ and I’ve sworn off guys for next couple of years ~ but I am feeling better quicker than I thought, don’t get me wrong, I got up this morning, as usual, feeling upset, anxious and about to sob my heart out at any minute but on my long drive home from visiting family I switched my thoughts to how much better off I am without that ASSCLOWN, I now have a chance at life, a chance to find out what I want and live the life that I want and in time be ready to meet a really great, honest, loving, caring man. I’m gonna put the work in, I NEED this site and you guys more than anything & I’m going to start doing the suggestions I am hearing and what is really really helping me is what you said to me that the ASSCLOWN can’t ever give me what I want because he’s empty inside and you’re so right, you are helping me so much, thank you thank you thank you, have faith, it might all be, just around the corner and I for one will be there cheering for you. Much much love to you xxx
Oh Brenda, I’ve just read your reply to me, I can’t believe how similar our situation is, the ex told me blatantly from the start that he gets women to fall in love with him then he runs off and leaves them!!!!! I have never met or knew anything about EUM’s before so couldn’t believe this and thought if I loved him enough it would be different with me and I was just thinking today how much harder it is to get over an EUM/ASSCLOWN than any other type of men but I will, we will get through this, of that I am getting more and more determined as each day passes. I can’t thank you enough for your support. Love and hugs from the UK. Xxxxx
Karen..You are so welcome for any words that you may have some comfort in,Just know you are not alone,ever!!
I cried alot yesterday when I read this post,It sure made me see some painful truths about how I perceive myself.
The truth is I have never dealt with any issues I have had in the past.Didn’t matter what they were,I just put on a smile for all the world to see,but inside I was dying a slow death.
I have looked to others to make me happy,to validate me,to make me feel like I am OK,But the men I was choosing used this against me at some point. I can no longer make this about him,I have to work on me,and learn to not only like myself but to truly love myself…We are good people,we love,are compassionate,nuturing,forgive,caring,respect,but lets stop giving it away to people who do not deserve it,and give it to You and I…
Brenda
I’m a very communicative generous middle aged vegan organic yoga meditation traveling kinda grrrl who spent 3 years trying to get along with a much younger guy- an Asperger’s guy who eats nothing but Kentucky Fried Chicken, slabs of beef, hot cheetos, candy bars, and soda. He’s also completely addicted to video gaming and online porn, mostly unwilling/unable to communicate (goes weeks without answering the phone or email or texts), super stingy, hates to travel, WTF?
Thank you for responding OVER HIM. It is very upsetting and humiliating to me. It was purely a sexual relationship but I was really looking for attention. I ignored my gut time after time and felt so bad about myself. Going no contact isn’t a problem on my end, its the reverse, even if i did contact him he wouldn’t answer , infact, many times has used withdrawl as a punishment for me. He thinks I am dramatic and irrational because I would ask for things like phone calls, or get upset sometimes about how casually I was treated. I am sure I was over expecting and looking for validation, but would just not let it go. I knew how other women he had affairs with were treated and struggled to get the same treatment but never did.
Thanks we do talk about me too. Still don’t think I can do better– and pissed that he has! Ill work through it.
Anari…You sweet,beautiful person…
You can do better,You ARE BETTER!!!
I know exactly how you feel,and have felt in result of this Man,I too felt I was going crazy,suicidal,depressed,you Name it I was it….Did not matter to me that a room full of the people who knew me the best in life would tell me everyday how wonderful and beautiful I am,I still felt not good enough!!
But really,Not goood enough for who?
SSomeone who is mean,has zero feelings,who hates themselves,lies,no respect,and the list goes on….Thank God I am not “good enough”for that person,cause I would’nt want to be the one that was!!!
See things for exactly what they are Honey,,,,You deserve better,and when you got better you will know!!
Much love,,,
Brenda
This site is priceless, yes I humiliated myself in a way I never thought possible, I put up with such outrageous behaviour by giving even more, I even saw it in his face sometimes that he knew what he was doing but still I couldn’t walk away but I am getting so much benefit from this site, it’s incredible, even up to a couple of hours ago I was wanting to tell him ‘what he is’ but I don’t even want to do that anymore, I just want to get over this and while I don’t think for one minute I’ve got it cracked, I do believe that with this site and all the support of everyone on it, day by day, even minute by minute sometimes, that I will get through this and come out of it stronger than I could ever imagine. Thank you Natalie and to everybody else for sharing their experiences, it is helping me so much xxx
right now i am really struggling. this is day two of no contact, maily because he is out of town. this post resonates with me because although i instinctively knew that the guy was no good for me, i continued to see him, sleep with him, and do things for him. throughout the course of our “non-committed” “special friendship” “non Mom n Pop thang” (yes, this is what he told me)….he continued to belittle me, throw insults -aka-“jokes” and do other things to degrade me. i swear i want to just roll up on him and punch him in the face. no one should treat anyone like that! under no circumstances should a woman be left to feel like a piece of $hit!
but, the biggest realization for me is – why did i allow it? and why did i play into it for so long? this man’s belly must be full, not only from the countless meals i provided, but the huge ego boost he also received. i have learned my lesson to never, ever again allow someone to put me down, especially, when the source ain’t got $hit more than me. how can who lacks the very basic necessities in life make me feel inferior? (ie. job, car, running water, etc.) well, he did. and i hate him for it. and i am so upset with myself for putting up with it. i feel horrible today.
i realize the part i played into this sick, twisted “relationship.” honestly, one day i looked at him and realized he was pathetic and that i did not really like him. chasing him became a sport for me to see if i could get him away from the other women in his harem. (i can’t beleive i actually admitted to it). but, i am the one who is hurting and humiliated, and he has gone about his merry effing way. anyhoo…i just needed to vent, my friend is tired of hearing me say i hate him! 🙂
@d. hugs to you and it gets better.
I do like the spirit of your venting, out of that could come some great open mike slam poetry, a song, or you could knit or crotchet something warm and cozy.
Read every last word on this blog! DO NOT CONTACT HIM.
Do the right thing for yourself, as we older women can attest – you WILL GET OVER IT and it does get better.
PS stop thinking about what the heck he’s thinking time to focus on you.
I sometimes feel I am too good for some of my Ex’s but I avoid them at all costs because they have a way of making me ACT less than them. Little comments or them telling me I did this or that wrong still gets to me and I decompensate. Next thing you know I’m telling them all about themselves and I walk away feeling wounded and disappointed in myself. So, I don’t care how they think of me as long as I don’t have to hear it. My pride comes in handy once in a while and until I have more self control over my emotions, I avoid any interaction with certain ones like the plague. I no longer stress over why they didn’t like me enough because don’t give them a chance to put me in a tailspin. Over time, I get a grip and bumping into some of them is no big deal. One ex AC I am able to be friendly with when I run into him because I really don’t care what he thinks of me. It’s a non issue. There was a time when this guy could make me cower and feel small. Now I just look at him and wonder what the hell I was thinking.
jennynic,
i feel exactly the same and thanks for sharing. you helped put it into perspective for me at this moment. when i was going throught he break up of my previous ex, i avoided every place, person, etc. in fear of seeing him in public and knowing that he shared private details and lies about our relationship. as a result, i have felt like i’ve been living in isolation for 2 years. this time, the hurt isn’t as bad, but, the humilitation is there. i’m trying not to care what this new AC thinks about me. i need to delete all of the emails he sent because they are a constant reminder that he thought i was a dumb whore, who he had little to no respect for. and, i know i am not that person!!! i continued seeing him, in the effort that he would see how wonderful, educated, attractive and what a great catch i am. this is so stupid. because he will never see that! he has made his own perception and will forever pigeon hold me to that image. damn, i want to just punch him. i think i shall take up kick boxing to release this anger!
Today I felt good enough to end an AC-ish contact.
I have accepted the friend card from a man who once chanced his arm for me (and others at the same time) while having a relationship „for his basic needs“. No thank you very much.
We met during a health cure a good decade ago. After that we never saw each other in person again, as we were LD, just kept an occasional exchange by mail or a call at least three or four times a year. Obviously he had dished out a lot of “friend cards”, as he got lucky with one of the other ladies, she moved in with him. Finally they got even married.
He was an extreme drip feeder and it was tiresome to get a clearer picture of him. But the clearer, the uglier. Whenever I thought the contact had died away I got a reminder. – Then, this year in February he confided in me that he had started cheating on his wife. Not for the first time, this news really stirred me up – well, after all the recent BR posts I realised that this so-called “friendship” was nothing else but me starring as a harem member for those moments in dire straits and no one else to reach and that we never ever shared a single common value.
As I am determined to walk my talk, this had to end. But interestingly I fretted for months over how to end it, what to say, how to communicate. Why? “You are an asshole, that’s what you are” was on my mind, but I couldn’t bring out a version of that. Why? Thanks to Nat I realised that he reflected that tiny morsel of attention from my father, who had chosen my then best friend over me and the realisation that my father and I had different sets of values, simple as that – hard to let go.
To buy time I ignored him as I didn’t want to act out my father issue on him. Being ignored he mailed me “being worried” and wrote: “Have you withdrawn to a cave, have you got a bad diagnosis or do you just don’t want any contact with me?” He signed with IN LOVE!!! Smelled it 😉
Today my struggle ended and I could write (in my language) that it was neither the first, nor the second, but the last option. “We don’t share basic values. That is why our paths have separated.” Relief ran through my entire body!
Nat, I owe you another heartfelt thank you, as this man was not important to me but that what he reflected. This was victory over an important piece of my past. I created space to be refilled with love, care, trust and…
Okay, I’m trying very very hard to be positive these days but this post threw up a few things that I want to write down, if only to get them out of my head.
See, I DID like Gitface in the beginning, I admired him and thought that he had tons of ace qualities. Even when he was being horrible, I believed that it was his depression getting in the way of ‘him’ and that when that cleared (with a bit of non-judgemental/unconditional/doormatty support from mygoodself, ofcourse ofcourse) he’d be the amazing person that he was meant to be.
Fast-forward through my accidental pregnancy, me moving away to get the hell away from his awfulness, him attempting suicide when I was eight months pregnant and having an epiphany and turning his life around, him meeting his gf and now… he IS that amazing person (as far as I can gather). He’s got lots of friends, he seems to be happy with and lovely to his gf, he’s knocked the shady stuff on the head, he drinks less and he’s an amazing father to our son. He’s even alright with me – he treats me gingerly but generally respectfully.
He has bloody hobbies, ffs.
Of course, now that he has morphed into my perfect man he’s got the perfect girlfriend, 22, stunning, rich family, great hair, high-profile job… did I mention that she was 22? It is very very hard to feel as though I’m ‘good enough’, especially as on the back of meeting him I’m now a very skint single mum with no free time, no outside interests, no brain (feels like), no topics of conversation, lines around my eyes, strange hair because the hairdryer wakes up and frightens the baby and a spot approximately the size of Pendle Hill on my chin.
So now that he’s okay and a halfway decent human being he doesn’t have time for me? So after I was the BEST version of myself that I could’ve been during and after the pregnancy (worked my arse off, made impossible decisions, didn’t whinge, was supportive in the face of awfulness) and he was horrible and breath-takingly selfish HE’S the one that the universe showers with gifts and support whilst I end up breaking down in my GP’s office?
It is very difficult to see how I am ‘good enough’ for anything when a) Nice Gitface wants nothing to do with me when Evil Gitface hassled me to death b) I got passed over for someone whose pretty unscrewed-upness highlights my own ugly screwed-upness and c) I can work hard to make what I believe are GOOD and RIGHT decisions and end up here in NonEntityville whilst he behaves dreadfully and ends up being King of the World. Which one of us is living life in a way that works?
That is a really ranty rant, apologies.
And I’m aware that I don’t really want to be with (or even on vaguely friendly terms with) someone that I call Gitface. And thank you Natalie for the post, which I’m sure is true and right and will make sense to me once I’ve worked through all these damn issues!
Any advice would be really gratefully received, though, I am struggling to work past this one. I have organised not to have to see him for a bit, which I’m sure will help.
Yoghurt, I don’t have any earth-shattering wisdom on this one, but I do know from my sister and several girlfriends that having a baby is a HUGE adjustment. From what I hear, you don’t feel like yourself at all at first and I’m wondering if this is contributing to how you’re feeling. Obviously, the apparent un-Gitting of Gitface is going to be upsetting – honestly, I’d be all “WTF?!” too. As hard as it is, try to take the positive from this, i.e. if he keeps his sh*t together, your son has an amazing father. Not only is this excellent for your son, you’ll have a much easier time coparenting down the line, you know? I think you need to give yourself a little more time to adjust to this maaaaaaaaajor life change!
p.s. Here is my anti-zit miracle: Go to bed with a big dab of Queen Helene’s Mint Julep Masque on the sucker. It’s a lifesaver and, BONUS, it’s cheap! Woohoo!
p.p.s. Yoghurt, I forgot to add my favorite Hair In A Hurry Tip! After you wash your hair, run some smoothing cream through it, comb it out with a wide-tooth comb and twist it up into a bun on the very top of your head. When it’s dry, take it down, spritz it with some hairspray (if you need added volume on top, flip your hair over, spray some around the crown and tousle it with your fingers a little) and HELLO, you’ve got sexpot waves. You can even do this before bed and it will work!
Nat, sorry in advance for going off topic, but I can’t let a sister suffer hair drama 😉
Ye, thanks for the support and the tips! 🙂 In all honesty I’m not entirely sure how unGitted he really is – it isn’t hard to be Mr Perfect when you’re happy and your life is going well and everyone has hoiked you over and through the difficult things, but he hasn’t morphed into God.
I absolutely LOVED your bad shellfish line, by the way – that was ace and it made me laugh and laugh. I am still vomiting merrily away and wondering why the same plate isn’t making someone else sick as a dog (maybe great hair is an antidote), but you’re right that I’d prefer that my son wasn’t anywhere near bad shellfish or a food-poisoned mother, so fair play to him if he’s replaced it with something half-edible.
Just to labour the analogy a bit more, if I DID get food-poisoning from a restaurant there’s no WAY I’d go back, no matter how much the management seemed to get their act together afterwards. Me. Memememememe *I* wouldn’t go back. Stuff whether they’d have me or not!
Not sure if they have Queen Helene’s Mint Julep Masque over here, but I have toothpaste…?
First – I am reaching my arms across the ocean and giving you a hug. One that only another woman who has felt EXACTLY this way can give.
Second – I am reaching that same arm across the pond and SLAPPING YOU IN THE FACE. Girl – stop this!
NML has written some amazing posts on how when we get into these trains of thought, every other word out of our mouths is “HE” – ‘he’s this, he’s that, he didn’t, he does, he knows, he can’t, how could HE HE HE’ – and if you take anything away from this situation (besides that beautiful baby of yours, that is) you must, must, MUST come to terms with the fact that HE NO LONGER DESERVES TO TAKE UP THIS MUCH SPACE IN YOUR BRAIN. This man was not ‘it’ for you. This man has contributed sperm and…by the sounds of it, not much else. No matter the changes you perceive he has made, the hobbies he may now have, how nice his new piece’s hair is – none of that changes the way that he treated you. You deserve better, and he is simply not worth the time.
I’d also like to gently remind you that there is NO limit to the number of moments in your life where you can feel like you are giving the world ‘the best of you’. You can ALWAYS make a decision to get back to feeling like the best version of yourself – this should be your goal. For you, and your child – listen to what you’ve already done, what you already know you are capable of – making impossible decisions, giving BIRTH, being a strong, upstanding woman in the face of AssClownery.
You need to turn this car around and drive the hell out of HimVille and get back to YouTown.
Thanks 🙂 To be honest, as I was writing it I thought “I know the answer to this!” and you’ve confirmed it.
His experience is so far off the scale of mine that it’s beyond comparison. He’s nowt but a flea in the Carpet Of Life (such a delicate metaphor!) and whilst I wouldn’t enjoy having fleas, nor would I look at it and think “hey! That flea is having an ace time! It’s never hungry! It’s friends with all the other fleas! It has a hot flea girlfriend! I wish I was that flea!” I would get out the flea powder and probably not pay attention to its social habits.
It’s easy enough to be happy when you don’t stretch yourself, I guess.
The other thing that it’s important to remember is that whilst I largely did the right thing (not always, I’m not TOTALLY perfect… teehee 😀 ), I didn’t do it for him or because I wanted him to reward me, I did it because I knew that it was the right thing to do and I had to live with myself afterwards. So whinging about how I didn’t get any ‘rewards’ from the situation is neither here nor there.
The reward for not having a nervous breakdown is… not having a nervous breakdown. The reward for not allowing my self-esteem to be defined by a flea will be (hopefully) healthy self-esteem and a better outlook on life. I need to keep at it.
Thanks for the hug (and the slap, which I needed!)
Feeling for you, Y. It sucks. It does. But, when you’ve had some distance and feel more control over the relationship with your ex, and further built up the things you like to be and do, besides being a mother, you’ll feel less attached to all of this. (Love the extended flea metaphor). You might even get to the stage where you’re happy (in a detached way, nothing gushing and dishonest) that he’s going better than he was and that is a net good for you, your kids and the world. (For what it’s worth, I am sure he still has his own private troubles.)
I don’t have kids, and I see from my friends how much their sense of self changes and how little time (and cash) they have for their own pursuits so I don’t want to minimise. But, if you can, try to get involved in some cheesy hobby/craft/course. I am involved in all sorts of group activities and it is just such a great counterweight to all the narrow and selfish thinking that goes on when you’re in a tough physical and/or emotional spot, especially pertaining to intimate relationships. One of my friends went through exactly what you’re going through, and it was only when she let go of worrying about HIM and his apparently new and awesome life, and began with herself, that she ended up meeting someone perfect for her (and her kids that she’d had with her ex). It didn’t mean that her ex was now unhappy, but it meant she was happy. It turned out well for both of them.
It sucks that we meet people at different times in their lives. But people also meet us at different times in our lives. It’s how we learn.
Yog, just thought I’d say that the lines under the eyes do get better, a young kid equals sleep deprivation equals spotty face, One day soon you’ll be rosy again.
Breaking down in doc’s office…entirely normal. I once went to see my doctor when my son was a baby and we both fell asleep whilst she was writing a prescription.
You don’t say how old your baby is but the good news is, they do get much more interesting, the interaction delights, infuriates, delights but it definitely becomes more of an interaction. Before you know it, they are twenty one(like mine) and you still can’t get them to shut up!!
You just need to bide time. The 22 year old spirit of ecstasy must be a bit of jarring squeak on life’s blackboard but look at what he’s missed out on… You and all your greatness, and all your luck and love and greatness to come.
yogurt
I’m not sure how ungitted he is either. But, as I keep warning over and over, even if they do change they won’t want the same girl. it’s not because the girl isn’t good enough. He will want someone new. Not someone better. Just new. Because New Girl hasn’t seen him be a git. They don’t have bad history. She will trust him in a way, I think, the best of us can’t because he hasn’t done her over (yet). HE may see her as being “different” because it’s a way to justify his crapness. “I was horrid to yogurt but I am nice to New Girl because New Girl is x, y, z” (even though you are x,y, z too). It takes a big person to say “I was horrid to yogurt because I was a git”.
I hope this makes sense.
Bottom line is – there is nothing wrong with you just because someone was a git to you.
Yoghurt,
Firstly, I doubt he’s morphed into anything, appearances can be deceiving.
Please concentrate on you and your little one and being a single parent myself with no family around, I know how hard it is. BUT, it gets easier as they get older and all my close friends are single parents also and we support each other and our kids. Plus we are all kid free on the same weekends 🙂
And let Ms “perfect”put up with his shit, just be grateful it’s not you
Hugs from downunder xx
‘Why am I worrying about doing well at a relationship that isn’t working for me and isn’t actually representative of my values? ‘
I often cry at these articles, a combination of them coming at the right time, revisiting bad ol’ stuff and a bit of relief these days that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I will keep going.
I have tried at various times throughout my life, romance,work,family, pals,train driver,shop assistant…the list goes on.. to make people like/respect/want me. Sometimes it has worked and at other times I have had buttons sewn on me and been sold for tuppence. I have attended numerous parties, functions, kept up friendships with dysfunctional people because I felt I had to. I simply had to, or I wouldn’t be a ‘good person’. Reading this article tonight, I realised that from childhood, I was used to leaving’me’ out of the equation. That didn’t manifest itself in outrageous behaviour…if I had stormed against my mother in the throes of her drinking, I would have come a cropper… Instead I learned passive aggressiveness, Florencing, manipulation as my tools and took them with me into adulthood.
It felt too direct and aggressive to state my needs.
I would gain control by being, for example indispensable or’ the kind of woman someone want’s on her arm’ or the best student. What I really wanted for me, didn’t come into it. If I had faced up to it, then I would have had to challenge ‘the good person’ volumes of mythology, that I carried with me. Thankfully, these volumes are getting thinner these days.
I am not always a good person. Loud and prolonged cheer.
I recall, am recalling an exchange with my ex. Perfect day or two with him. Text:( boy, how I hate text these days)’ L, your place in life is with me, I cannot be without you blah de blah, de blah. A couple of days later, not much response to my communication(I had told him I was off work, would travel to see him), a phonecall, his grumpiness….my descent into disappointment and ‘What did I do wrong …this time????’ Where was the man I had left at the weekend. I was upbeat, he was, again morose….
There was no chance for discussion, he reset the relationship to his level of commitment at whim, I was sleeping, having intimacy with a TV remote control.
When I balked, got mad… I had no entitlement to my concern.
Finally, today I…
Finally today I acknowledge that this was a relationship at odds with all my positive values about myself. Those values were and are important to me, my sense of integrity, my expectations about how commitment should develop. I was stifling that because I feared being alone.
I acknowledge today that this was my epiphany relationship.
A man who can promise you a future one moment and then turn the volume down the next on the relationship is a EUM. God help him, but no analyses or turning the clock back or bending into another shape he might like will change that one whit.
The fact that I stayed displayed my own emotional unavailability . I am done with blaming him, the onus, the complete and utter responsibility for getting what I want in life is with me. I am back in the equation. Thanks Natalie.
A couple days ago I found myself in a bit of a tizzy. I got an email reminder that his renter’s insurance is expiring in January and as I was about to forward it to him, I started adding other stuff like “Even though being friends seems impossible, just know that I don’t regret one minute of our relationship. A reason, a season or a lifetime.. and we had lots of reasons and seasons.” Etc.. blah blah blah. I saved it to my drafts because part of me was screaming “What are you doing??? He hasn’t even apologized for that crappy email he sent you last month! Why are you concerned about what he thinks?”. This was when I asked for the last of the money he owes me so I could completely move on and he went into attack mode saying it must be nice to be someone who never makes mistakes and never will (all because I won’t be friends with him – like I owe him or something). I never responded and haven’t spoken to him since. The next day I still felt an urge to send it.. my people pleasing co-dependence rearing it’s ugly face for the first time in months.. so I read my Tarot Cards and they very clearly told me that I’ve learned so much and I know the right thing to do, so why would I want to move backwards?. So I came to BR and reminded myself of all I’ve learned. And that was all I needed. I didn’t send it. I’m sure I can tell him about the renters insurance later and I lost my urge to “make him feel better”. It amazes me that as far as I’ve come and as happy as I am in my new life, that part of me still comes out of hiding when I least expect it!
Hi, Carrie,
I completely understand what you are saying. It happens to most women, probably to all of us. We miss and want the “good” part about the person who turned out to be not a good person. We want that “face” that they showed us – the fun, affectionate, polite, loving, future-looking persona, which was just a facade. We want that part of their “act” that was so well-rehearsed and oh, so convincing! And the reason it was convincing is because WE WANTED to believe it!
In the end, we have to realize that those guys are empty inside, they are nothing more than hollow shells that beckon to us in our loneliness, aloneness, and desire to be loved and to love. The trick for every woman is to recognize the empty shell from the one that is filled by a good man. And that, at least for me, is the very difficult task.
Best wishes to you and keep up the good work of steeling yourself against the temptation to interact with that guy again. Move on! You can do it. We can ALL do it!
Thanks Terry! 🙂 I realized today that those feelings probably came because of a combination of activating my online dating profile and hormones because it was that time of the month. Tricky tricky hormones!
Hmm, great post, but I usually take a different perspective on this. I think that most humans want validation and they want everyone to like them. No one wants to be thought of in a regular light. We all have egos, some have big ones and others have small ones.
And that having someone who does not like us, like us all of a sudden is somewhat of an accomplishment and there is a reason why we want this person to like us either because a) they are popular; b) help us attain something we can’t get on our own–I am referencing networking; c) we need to get along with them to get a long with others.
Regarding the opening anecdote: I was in this spot at my job. I felt like I would like my job more if I was better at it. I know, personally, when I don’t think I am good enough, I tend to lose interest and doubt my skills and abilities.
I have experienced this many times, I am glad that someone else does too. I tend to forget about people. I don’t waste my time on them if they don’t like me. I will find someone else who does.
“I’m worried about why I’m not good enough for someone that I actually know is not good enough for me and I’ve even called them an ‘assclown’.”
This one jumped out at me. It’s so logical, yet simple. Why did I ascribe so much value, to the value he placed on me, as if it was a statement on my overall worth?
I really like this post and how it advocates a shift in consciousness, self-perception. If there’s anything that’s so outstanding about this site, it’s how you try to create positive transformation and new habits. The standard advice is often to “drop it and move on”, without plummeting the depths of why, why we allow something to happen. Thank you for reminding us to get back in touch with our better selves and reinstate our values.
Gosh, Natalie is so good at this. She always hits the nail right on the head. It’s as if she knows how I think and how I feel. :0
Well, these are the two that I’m deeply and panickingly worried about:
1) “I’m worried about whether I will ever meet a man who is monogamous, loving and responsible (AKA: a good man), and if I do, whether he will fall in love with me and love me.”
2) “I’m worried about whether I’ll ever love again even though I’ve decided that I’ll never risk loving again and don’t trust anyone.” This is one of Natalie’s quotes, above.
I have also experienced the: “I’m worried about why those guys don’t even approach me or ask me out, even though I don’t like their personality or the way they look. If they don’t approach me or ask me out, there must be something wrong with me that they can sense and I don’t know what it is, so I can’t even attempt to fix it.”
This post is so timely for me. I have been NC for one year. NC was made much easier ironically enough by the AC because he never contacted me once. I still can’t figure that out. Before NC if I didn’t respond to a text within five minutes he would hound me. I decide to go away and nothing.
Today a mutual friend who has not heard from him much nor has he from her in 8 months told me she got a text from him several days ago. It wasn’t a friendly text, but one that was asking for information for his own interests. However, when she told me she had heard from him, my stomach sort of fell wondering why he does the expected AC/EUM “pop back up like a turd in a lake” with her, but with me zilcho. I believe she relishes telling me she has heard from him knowing I haven’t. She has never been able to go cold turkey NC on him.
Then I read this post and decided how crazy it is to wonder why I never heard from the AC who treated me so badly and kept me in nervous, upset knots? For once he did a kind deed for me by staying away. I suspect he never contacted me because deep down he knew how insanely bad he was to me even though he would never acknowledge nor admit it. Another reason could be that he is scared to death of working out issues with people who might be angry with him.
Even though it’s been a year of NC, I still have ground to cover. Thanks to this website I had the courage to even start the process in the first place.
I can relate to your feelings, CB. I suspect he is staying away from you out of a combination of respect and decency, and fear. In his mind, you represent a mirror to a whole lot of his own personal crap, I imagine. As for your friend, people are funny sometimes with things like this, but if it’s an attachment that is not good for her, then no need to feel jealous or threatened. It’s not like she’s getting much from him – a bratty text every now and then!
Anyway, you’re right not to focus on them. Keep going with your own lovely life! You sound like you’re on track.
Elle,
I cannot say thank you adequately enough for your words of wisdom, encouragement, and clarity! You just gave me the best advice/food for thought I’ve received from anyone since I started NC a year ago. I know you are right on with your analysis of the AC’s avoidance of me. 🙂 I will remember your words forever. Seriously. Thank you again!
Wow Natalie… so you ARE a mind reader!
I have been thinking about this a lot recently. I look back at the last two years of being single while I work on myself and I am grateful- it’s been like my personal Pax Romana. But some days it’s hard to stick to the new found belief in myself, that I am good enough to be treated with respect, and blaming myself for how unfairly the last ex treated me. No, I don’t want a relationship with him anymore (although I did while I was with him and was heartbroken when he dumped me) because now I know what makes a healthy relationship, and it wasn’t there. Now that I see how unfair, dishonest, and exploitive he was, in general, not just to me, I don’t even like him as a person… but the niggling belief that he was that way to me because of who I am still creeps up from time to time. But that’s because I am trying to break a negative belief system I’ve had for years! It must be like trying to quit smoking.
From the first few months of my life, I had parents and caretakers mysteriously leave and never come back. They say as a child you make everything about you, so I believed I’d done something to make them abandon me. Later, as the only Latina teen from a divorced household in a very Italian and Irish American Catholic (no divorce allowed!) high school, I felt I had to excel in order to fit in and prove I wasn’t a troublemaking charity case, just as smart as anyone else. At home, my grandmother (my mother wasn’t around) always let me know there was something wrong with me because I’d been raised without a mother. I couldn’t do anything right. My father let me know that having a child was the biggest burden in the world and that he was grateful that at least I’d turned out ok and not given him any problems. I wore myself out being the best at what they wanted from me, hoping to get that unconditional love. I wanted to go to art school , but I instead went to university to be a research scientist, to make dad proud. Pleasing others first, trying to earn love, and blaming myself for others shoddy treatment of me was the result of years of conditioning… but I know better now. And when you know better, you do better! No more crack pipe for me please…
I’m a games artist now, btw 🙂
Jas
I, too, can identify with most of what’s in this post. Why do I still miss the jerk (married, nonetheless), who pursued me, wooed me, built me up, made me feel desirable again (I’m getting divorced), claimed to see and want a future with me (a “future faker”) and then slowly, painfully ended it…by e-mail, claiming how much he liked me, etc, etc, but had to stay in his marriage for his kids. Then, acts all happy and cheery at church (while barely talking to me, not that I want to talk to him). This guy lied to his wife and lied to me, and is Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky every Sunday. I so want to punch him sometimes and wipe that smile off of his face (I know, that’s immature). He’s not the guy for me, obviously and he never was. Yet, I can’t help that creeping feeling of inadequacy…I wasn’t good enough for him. I wasn’t good enough for my husband to want to stay with me. My friends tell me how attractive, nice, funny, blah, blah, blah I am, and even the guy who helped me at Home Depot this weekend told me I was both smart and pretty…but most of the time I just feel like there must be some flaw in me. Interestingly, I’m getting over my soon-to-be ex-husband, but it’s the other guy that’s thrown me for a loop. I want so much to forget about him, not care what he thinks, put him out of my mind as some of you have been able to do, but I don’t know how. It’s so hard to see him at church with his wife. I sing in a choir at this church and it’s one of the few activities that I do for myself so I don’t want to stop this just because of him. I’m sure part of the task is to keep busy and go out and meet people, but honestly, it’s very daunting for me to “get out there” and try and meet people. I don’t have a lot of energy for that right now.
Wow. How is everything NML says so spot on? I had therapy earlier today and this is the exact same thing she told me: “you’re not in love with the MM,” she said, “You don’t even like him. You just want to win because you feel you’re not good enough. You’re playing out a childhood devoid of love from people who didn’t deserve you.”
She’s right, and so is NML. The MM is moody, distant, withdrawn, guarded, selfish and often times mean, He punishes me by withholding things from me, like his affection and time, and he makes me miserable. I cry every day. But I’m so determined to prove myself worthy of him and his love that I don’t give up. I give and give until I’m spent; I support him and I make excuses for him and I push my feelings aside and I dote on him. So what do I get if I “win?” A man I can’t trust who will most likely treat me the same way once we’re together?
I have to make myself believe that it’s not about me – that I don’t have the power to control his moods and emotions and actions; that I could be Heidi Klum and I still wouldn’t be able to change him because he won’t let anyone in. That’s so hard for me though, because I go home every day a little more defeated and feeling less than and unworthy.
In a 5 month relationship …then dumped. Then he came back again 6 months later. Sweet “nothings” from his lips….5 month relationship….and then dumped me again. The first time he dumped me (without telling me) I was so so hurt, damaged actually…my mind rewinding the crazy tape “why wasn’t I good enough? what did I do wrong? come back! I’ll be better….” This time (again dumping me without actually telling me!) I held my head high and dumped right back. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. This woman is out of his game. And what a gift those hard lessons have been. Hold your head high ladies. A friend of mine said…”Trace, you are one of the most intelligent people I know….and you are mourning a guy, who basically has AC tattooed across his forehead….I know you can read :)” . Natalie, it has been through reading each of your posts that has “gifted” me the understanding of learning how to honour me in this very strange “(non)-relationship” and not him. What a hard but priceless lesson. Thanks again. (From Canada).
Tracy,a fellow Canadian here!!
Dont ya just love this site!!
I could have written your post,I was dumped by dissapearing act after 5 months as well!It was one of the worst things I have ever gone thru..Were the fuck do these guys come from…In what world do they ever think that is acceptable??
Mine had anger issues and I mean ANGER ISSUES,was HOT and COLD,drove in INSANE RAGE,would SLAM DOORS in my face,would only call or want to see me on his time,and so on and so on….Broke up twice only to come back after a couple of days,never saying sorry,just telling me what an asshole he is..Yup he was right..Then 2 months ago,out of the blue,he did not call for a couple of days,so I called him,told him I was worried and could not sleep,I got a text back saying..”Quit fucking calling,I am fine just busy”and that was it…I went from being somone he was so happy with,to a {according to him}phycho,crazy,full of issues…I have been in no contact for over a month,but the other day,I sent him an email outling exactly what I thought of him,of course no response,I knew that,and I thought I would feel better,but nope…the rejection part came back again…SO back on now….Thanks for sharing your story,I wish we did not have to go theu this stuff,but I am gald I am not alone…..
Brenda
I am having a very hard time this evening and am very tempted to break NC. I just don’t know why, he is married and a narcissicist. It seems like when I am doing extra well, I go off the deep end. When I am just doing okay, I am less tempted. Most of the EUMs I have dealt with in the past have not had this effect on me, I put up with crap but I had a limit and when I was dome I was done. He just keeps coming back, why can’t I just tell him to leave me alone? I know he is never going to leave her, don’t even know if I want him to, but there is a comfort level I cannot explain. This is one of those days that I am sick over it. Tomorrow, I will be strong again. Reading all your posts really helps, its good to have people that really understand what I am going through. I guess I need to stay focused and be realistic, this is my life not a dress rehearsal not to be wasted.
Thanks Natalie,
It had never occurred to me how much I never really feature in my own relationships. The minute I get attention from a guy; it switches to all him, what he wants and what he likes. Everything about me becomes insignificant in the face of loosing the relationship. Even when I know they are spewing crap, I don’t empower my self to acknowledge my existence, to acknowledge my needs in life.
It is still a very shaky idea when I try in implement it, but I still want to keep trying to have healthy attachments and relationships; so I go out there and date, it makes sense while the other way never made sense and it hurt all the time.
I remember a guy that once told me that I could never be his real girlfriend because I was a pretty black girl who couldn’t sing!! (and as you well know beautiful black women all sing like Arethra ha ha) and I stuck around with him for months trying to find something else he could like about me, never mind that there was so much I hated about him. I acted like I had failed with my non-Arethra voice……sad
“I’m worried about why I’m not good enough for someone that I actually know is not good enough for me”
So true.
When my ex married EUM finally got divorced, I was terrified that we’ll have the “public” relationship I thought I wanted for years. I knew he was an AC, I didn’t want to be his wife , but I didn’t have the power to stop the madness.
When we finally ended the so-called relationship, he immediately showed to everybody, including me, that he was already with another woman. My first thought was: “why her and not me???” The next second I remembered the last talk I had with my best friend, when I was complaining that I envy his wife because “his wife gets rid of him now after the divorce”.
I didn’t want him, I knew he was good for nothing, I didn’t truly loved him. That was not love, it was just insanity. And yes, I worried a lot. I had sleepless nights, when I was terrified that I could lose him or that I might become his wife.
Unbelievable how on point this post is!
I just went through a good period of No Contact (couple months) and was starting to feel good and get some of my hard-earned confidence back.
Then … I heard he might be dating around with a girl at my job that he met through me. So of course, I used the holidays as an excuse to break NC, and allowed mutual friend to convince me to call him “just to say happy thanksgiving” (argh!).
He was his old self, charming, turning it on, etc and we talked about getting together this week. Well … surprise, surprise, he has disappeared again and doing the physically & emotionally unavailable thing again.
The whole time we were “together”, he never really invested in spending time … or much of anything else… on me unless it was convenient for him. He would take subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) jabs at me, my “achievements”, my body (and I’m a size 2!), and other even little things that are important to me. I know this might sound a little self-pitying but I’m really not a woe-is-me kind of gal!
I knew he was an EUM, pushy-pulley, egomaniacal ass-clown extraordinaire but the attraction and scraps of attention he would throw my way when he had time somehow kept me in the mess. At the back of my mind, I knew I wanted/needed/deserved more, which was why I’ve established NC a couple times but this was the longest stretch.
Now, I’m back to trying to figure out why I’m not good enough to “catch” him and what I could have done wrong to drive him away, even though I know I’m awesome (I am!) just the way I am and HE doesn’t deserve to be with me.
What have you guys/ladies who have overcome this done to re-program your mind set and get out of this emotional crack den :), as Natalie describes it? Any advice? I can’t seem to stop my mind from churning and moving on, even though I want to!
Nina, You will figure out what to do. I had to suck it and see a few times (several) and I broke NC before the 6 months I had stated that I needed (he called a few times and then I spoke to him and lo and behold things went back to tits up)…this time I wrote some long e-mails stating how I felt and what I perceived and what I want and what I refuse along with other things that I’d never stated prior. I just know I need more and I have so much to give and am not willing to allow myself to be in a non-committed non-monogamous relationship…I cannot risk my health and that was the final wakeup for me.
Thanks Leisha! I like the idea of setting a water-tight NC period and sticking to it no matter what. Did he reply your email?
Nina, I made certain that I put into the e-mail that I will take your silence as good-bye. I didn’t hear a peep.
Nina
Don’t listen to your friends, listen to us!
This is just what these guys do, you can drive yourself mad trying to change that. Bees buzz, frogs croak, EUMs disappear. It’s got nothing to do with you.
Stick to the NC, and don’t kick yourself for making contact. At least you know the answer to “what if” – more of the same!
I think (hope) I am starting so see something emerging from the fog here…
Quoting Nat, “you have set yourself up to fail by trying to extract love from an unwilling and even incapable source because it’s not love unless you win over someone that doesn’t want you”.
It’s just a big power trip for me. There’s nothing particularly wrong with this guy, or any of the guys I have been involved with. Sure their choices and their behaviour are sometimes questionable, but hey, what the hell business is it of mine if they are? It only hurts when I get too close to someone who is messed up or not on the same page as me. And that’s MY issue and not his. If I keep myself at a safe distance from these people who don’t share my values or want what I want from life, they are never going to do me any harm. Okay, there are some women on here who have been harmed terribly by people who have grabbed them as they were walking by, minding their own business, or when they were children and had no choice, and that is beyond wrong… but that’s different. Most of the time, when I am really badly hurt, it’s because I have put myself in harms way. Controlling where I allow myself to wander has to be my priority now… NOT trying to control someone else’s behaviour or choices.
Nat goes on to say, “who are you so angry with? What is it that you’re avoiding that has you trying to control something that is beyond your control? Why are you treating him like property? What previous hurt and rejection has *this* experience triggered?” I have a few ideas, but this is the next bit that I need to work on… *sigh* Thanks to all… x
“I’m not good enough…” – I transformed it for me:
I am good. Not always. That’s enough. Enough is good.
I feel good about myself. Not always. That’s okay. Okay is good enough.
Let’s enjoy the day!
PS.: Nature didn’t provide an Enough-button. We have to define that for ourselves.
Yoghurt ~ when I got together with the all time ASSCLOWN, it looked perfect on paper, we were together nearly 6 years, he got us a house up country in the country as I wanted, he got involved with different groups etc I was involved with, having me involved with his family etc, a first for him, he stayed clean n sober throughout the so called relationship so to every one It looked that he’d finally come good but believe you me, he was absolutely no different from how he was with, with previous girlfriends and it took me that long to finally wake up and smell the coffee, I don’t know if he will ever change, a couple of days after the final final split he’s seeing another woman, he is so far detatched from his feelings, if indeed he has any, and from who he actually is, I honestly don’t think he can ever change, he’s been in some if the best rehabs in the country so had first class therapy and it hasn’t even appeared to touch the sides but thank goodness that is no longer my problem, what he does or doesn’t do from now on is thankfully none of my business, I am back on no contact and this time I won’t break it even if he comes hassling me again for nothing more than an ego stroke and for him to be the one to ‘end’ it after he got me ‘begging’ him not to leave me ~ wow ~ it’s actually quite incredible the way he got me into that state but I don’t care if he had the last word or what ever, I am well n truly out of there even though it still hurts like hell etc but this site, Nalatie and all you ladies are helping me.
And this is the truth: what looks fabulous from the outside can be hell on the inside…stuff…having all of the material things…power, fame, all have their price…if you aren’t happy then it’s shit…your peace is priceless and all of the things in the world can’t provide it without having the trust, consistency, reliability, kindness, compassion, loyalty, give and take, intimacy, exposure and risk of the heart and soul of you in gentle hands…love in a relationship and love of yourself…without those things you will not feel complete in association with your mate no matter how great things appear to anyone else…however, there are plenty of folks willing to compromise on all of those things for their own reasons…and if it makes them happy I suppose that’s well and good and it works for them…me? I want the whole enchilada in the heart and mind area and the basics in the material realm (shelter, food, utilities)…I learned a long time ago that the material can enslave and I am not captive material…I do believe that the material things and power can be had along with the intimacy but I would prefer the simpler things within a fabulous loving intimate relationship and I so hope that we all get what we need and shed the media’s idea of what is important.
Leisha
Thank you for that. I’ve had a rubbishy day of self-doubt but what you say here is what really matters. Peace is priceless.
I’m going to forget the work drama, the stress about stuff that isn’t even important to me, the two hour train delay home, and enjoy the little that’s left of today!
((((hugs)))) Grace…sweet dreams.
The ex-EUM/AC I have just split with is basically a tortured soul because for what ever reason he won’t look honestly at his behaviour, he has created this bullshit image of himself that he actually believes so he goes around thinking he’s this great guy when in reality he isn’t hence why he is so tortured ~ I used to feel sorry for him, wanted to help him etc help turn him into this fabulous person, I thought accepting the degrading terrible behaviour would be worth it but after all that it is me I now need to believe in and build back up and better before because although he is a ‘professional’ at what he does, he’s so damn good at it ~ getting the ladies to fall madly in love with him ~ I must of had some level of low self esteem before because, my goodness, in the light of day, the so called relationship was a total washout without any decent sex to balance it ~ where the hell was my head at???????
You are wonderful,amazing,beautiful,and You DESERVE BETTER!!!!
Bren
OMG- Natalie! This is SO me. I’ve been on this website nearly a year – trying to reclaim my sanity and devour every morsel you give us. I’ve been seeing a therapist since March trying to sort this all out. Especially over the holidays (being alone and feeling sorry for myself) — this whole notion of not being good enough for anything (even the ex-assclown) is forefront in my mind.
Also, today is my birthday – and just as you would have predicted the assclown popped up for a “quickie email” to wish me happy days. It’s been over 10 months of NC and I’m reeling from his “quickie”. I’m telling myself that this is not a “oh, I really care for you… and I remembered you…and I’m thinking of you” — but it’s (in your words) a back door attempt for an ego boost, shag, and an opportunity to use me as an emotional airbag… or if nothing else, to remove the guilt feelings for how bad he was at the end. Part of me wants to “suck it and see” — but I have to believe I’m worth more.
…. I’m sure I sound like I’m smoking the “crack pipe” —–sheesh! this is so hard and this latest email was so unexpected. Never thought I’d hear from him. Thank you for this site — it helps me knowing there are other strong women and knowing that his attempts are just manipulation and not anything more. Having your words in my head will make all the difference in getting through today.
Cheers, Natalie and all my sister “BR” girls!
Happy Bday Lovely lady!!
I am sorry that you had to got thru some pain on your day…The guy is an empty well,and the nerve of them to pop up after so long…Gawd!!I get so pissed off….
You deserve better!
Brenda
I’m sure I’m expecting too much too soon (my tendency to RUSH things) and I know it won’t happen over night, but in the last day I’ve been thinking to myself “I am good enough, I am good enough…” And there’s still this sort of underlying, in the back feeling of not feeling good or “no I’m not”. It’s like as soon as I think it then thoughts/images pop up that show me where I “haven’t been good enough” and then my mind starts thinking I’m not so good after all. And yata yata. Feels so tiring like I’m dealing with a bully. I guess the key would then be to find forgiveness/compassion for the parts I feel I messed up or felt not good enough.
Colororange, are you sure you are treating yourself well? Because at least in my case, that seems key. As long as I’m depriving myself of good food, drinks, movies and all other kinds of nice material goods, as long as I automatically pick the ugliest garment I can find in my closet (because those are the things my momster would do to me), I keep telling myself “I’m not good enough”, “I’m a loser”, “I’m unlovable” and so on. Positive self-talk seems completely fruitless in those situations! It’s as if I’m desperately trying to justify my self-abuse, just like I’ve tried to justify my parent’s abuse when I was little.
Once I start treating myself better (step one) the negative self-talk suddenly stops (step two). Oddly enough, step two turns out to be very easy. Step one is the difficult part. It’s very tough, and I relapse all the time, like a recovering addict. But for me it’s key.
EllyB
I’m still coming out of the or working my way out of the dark. I’ve spent ……… decades treating myself badly. Thinking of myself badly and so on. So when I switch up the record onto something new, that old heavily worn one tends to want to keep playing. My family has generations of people who have no or very little self-esteem. Here I am gaining an awareness or remembering what it was like as a child that was happy, spunky and into stuff and I suppose I’m bound to relapse. Truth is, I’m scared. So do I suddenly wake up tomorrow and my life’s grand and happy because all of a sudden I know I’m wonderful and great and love myself? I wish !
So, I haven’t been on this site in a long time but it seems that my perception of things is definitely different. I probably would have been like, “You know, you’re right. I am worthy!” and those good feelings would have lasted a day or so but then I would go back to feeling the way I was.
I think the problem is that logically I know I am worthy but I still don’t feel worthy. I’ve been in therapy and we’ve talked about the “little gremlins” in my head that keep telling me that I’m not worthy. It’s hard to change that when you’ve been doing it for who knows how long. You aren’t making a concious decision to say to yourself you’re not worthy, it’s all those unconcious messages that we all have. Recently, my therapist told me about a book called “I Can Make You Confident” by Paul McKenna. He is a hypnotist and while the book is a great read, the real power is in the CD that comes along with it. I’m not saying it’s an instant cure but I’ve found that it is helping me along my journey to change my way of thinking and how I feel about myself. I think all anyone wants is to feel loved and appreciated and instead of giving that to ourselves we try to extract it from unlikely sources because that is what we know, what we feel comfortable with.
Just wanted to share. 🙂
Man, it can be three steps forward one back! I have been on a good wicket of late, but then for the last couple of days have stumbled on some cracks in the pitch. Yesterday was the assclown’s mean words entering my mind, seemingly out of nowhere. Then last night I had a dream about recent ex and I having a big argument (not based on reality) in which he divulged that he had been seeing someone for the last couple of weeks of the relationship, and I expressed such unbridled anger at the times when I asked if things were OK and whether he wanted out, and he told me enough to keep me there. Then his new woman showed up, and I acted out all the sexual moves he would use with her and how I had taught them to him (Haha! WTF!? That is cracked!). The other relationship/cheating thing is not, as far as I can tell, real. In fact, it seemed like a lot of the anger was not actually about him, but more the AC and quite possibly my father, who has been casually picking on me about my achievements lately (don’t exactly need to be a therapist to work out why he might be doing this, but just tiring because his instinct has long been to put me down, lest I think I am ‘too good’). I am pretty sure some good nights’ sleep and exercise etc will do the trick and I have some great things on the horizon, but I still have some stuff to do something with. Not sure what. Or maybe just let it go and hope it doesn’t come up again. Perhaps I need to write one of those unsent letters. I don’t know. I become worried that I am focusing on negativity or being overly-indulgent (was going to say indulgent, but I already know I am that!). Trying to focus on what I want and general loveliness, but the swamp monsters are grabbing my ankles!
You know what they say, “As soon as you put someone on a pedestal, the only way they can see you is by looking down at you.”
Fortunately, been AC-free for a while now. It’s so nice. But the feelings of low self-esteem and not being good enough linger. I’m in therapy and working on it, but it’s pretty tough.
Recently went through the experience of dating a normal, nice guy. I was so into him. But throughout the experience I was also incredibly nervous. Based on past experiences with men, I thought he could drop me or lose interest or change at any moment. Tried to calm myself down and just be in the moment and be fun and happy, but it was hard. I was worried a lot that I wasn’t good enough for him. Three months into it, he called things off because he thought “something was missing” and we didn’t have enough of whatever that special something is to make a long-term relationship work. Now in the arena of self-blame and self-doubt that my anxiety drove him away. Plus, on top of that, dealing with the anxiety that not even nice guys will like me because of what I’m dealing with or that I give off some kind of invisible man-repellent vibe. Trying to heal and tell myself I’m good enough every day, but really wonder when I will truly feel good enough inside.
Ok, I get it. Youre right (tend to be so, like always.) So as I “center” (promise Im for real, my id could be ‘outofwhack’) & everything u say gels, I am becoming so much more aware. So scary and sad really. Just curious if its okay to press the reset button w myself (same, but different, idk). Like is it okay to start over just having a general idea of knowing where my “i dont deserves” came from (parents, or whatever) & working through them without rev ego, rule exception, etc. like is it ok to say “ok, I get it now, redo (mulligan?) NOT w him. How deep into the issues is ok once you “get it.” Im not trying to get out of the work here. It just takes a sick soul (hi, how you doing) to feel bad about making herself feel bad. In a nutshell, the journey to self love post is on my mirror. Is that the way?
Nevermind, sorry. Need to stick to the plan of just keep reading. Sry,tks.
Natalie, I am 50 something and have been separated from my husband for three years, empty nest for about two years, had a death of a sibling in the last year and I live alone. I had come to terms that my marriage was over. To make a long story short, I slept with my best friend, I’ve know known for about 16 years. Big mistake. I know you’ve heard it a million times, but I felt safe and he would be careful with my heart. All the hints were there, I just ignored them. He became my boss a few years ago, but we have always worked around each other. The “no contact” is difficult at best, but I am dealing with it. He is married w/kids and about ten years younger than me. I have been married for 22 years and never cheated, so this really took a tole on me once I realized it was just a “hit it and quit it” situation. It has been about four months now of trying to figure out what was happening to me, because I no longer recognized myself. I was “emotionally cracked-out”. I had to get professional counseling I’m on my way to healing. I found this site about 2 months ago and have learned a great deal about trust, happiness and boundaries. I am now taking responsibility for what I allowed to happen to me. The feeling was like an addiction, I could not think, could not eat or sleep. I felt like I had crashed and was burning slowly. I understood instantly something was wrong with me but I was to caught up in the chase to stop . I love myself and could not undrstand why I could put this person above my own needs and neglect myself that way. I felt imprisioned and the me I once knew was just watching from a distance and saying “what the hell!!”. It took me a while to realize..I was holding the “key” all the time and “Diva’s” can’t deal with being locked up. I’m on my way to recovery. Thank you so much Natalie.
This is such a good site, I was in a really negative place earlier, and simply reading everyone’s comments and reading the posting helped tremendously.
Man… looking at those “I’m worried that…” responses that you have in bold in this post, they look absolutely bonkers! Why actually, they ARE bonkers! LMAO!
This is a really good reality check for just about anybody. As usual, good post.
I have been reading this site for a while and wish to thank NML and all the comments I’ve read for their insight into assclowns. I myself ended up in a situation with one of them…and looking back at it now I very easily see why I did, I was vulnerable, didn’t feel good enough and was showered with attention by someone who ended up being ‘attached’ and who was blaring code red behaviour! They lied about their situation and when I found out instead of showing them the door, I allowed myself to continue being lied to, exploited and manipulated. I was unavailable, obsessing about ‘being with’ this man, or well a child who I later found out cheated on his partner with not only me but dozens of other women. A partner who he ‘loved, cared about and respected’ pfft. Our stories are not alone, seemingly these fools throw an anchor out to anyone and unfortunately it’s us, who is able to be lured into their trap due to our own issues. I am certain these creeps try it with just about anyone, and have their fair share of face slaps, and eff offs as they do booty. I guess I feel stupid that I feel for the whole ‘I never make plans in advance, I do what I want when I want, I’m carefree, I don’t know what I want’ BS… and what a waste of my time it was. And now after telling them to finally beat it, I’m the one who ends up blocked and deleted from their life as ‘I’m a bad person who they never cared about and was just a piece of ass” 🙁
H, You will recover. Don’t let that bad apple turn you off of fruit. You are here. You can choose wiser and not be tripped up the same again. We all go down some bad roads…I believe that you will likely find your way to better and feeling okay but you have to give yourself some TLC and I suggest that you fill your toolbox from Nat’s arsenal to keep you from more of the same BS and pain from some jacked situation in your future. It bears repeating: you are human, you want to share and receive and give love. You deserve someone who treats you well. You cared and I believe that you will have the opportunity to care again in a mutual nurturing relationship.
Thanks Leisha,
It’s hard as he continually called me a psycho, and suggested I need ‘professional help’. Obviously I wasn’t in a great place to begin with if I contined seeing someone after the red flags were exposed and I acknowledge that now. It just hurts that I’m the ‘crazy one’ who needs to be blocked out of his life, after I told him to beat it and that I was no longer interested, or well an ego stroke. He put me down all the time, never committed to any plans in advance, it was always last minute, always about him, made me feel uncomfortable for suggesting to spend anymore time with me etc. I wonder how these AC actually function in their ‘relationships?” Surely they make plans with their SO’s? He actually laughed in my face and said he’s dating a nurse who works at the same hospital as me, who he wants to settle down with and has no need for others. This is coming from someone who has cheated on is past partners with multiple women… It’s hard as I want to be able to trust someone else, but I fear the anxiety behaviours will resurface and they will run away. But part of me thinks life would just be easier being by myself, which i’m quite content with.
H, He is a mean man. MEAN. I too loved someone who was a full on ass so much it makes me cringe…I loved him. I still love him, but I love him from afar. I dislike many of his behaviors. I will not tolerate disrespect any longer. I have learned here. I too will be alone and content with my life if I don’t find the love I want and deserve and all that is basic in a real loving relationship. I’ve had my epiphany…I think you had yours as well. I can give Natalie the credit for what she’s done with her teachings and I give myself credit for listening, taking them in, and making them part of who I am today. You don’t a male like that anymore to teach you anything…neither do I…we have arrived at the place we need to be our most authentic selves and to grow with kindness, love, self-respect and understanding and we can grow from here with the benefit of hindsight and knowledge of self and what is healthy relating and how to stop ourselves from pursuit of anything less. I hope all of us will grow, but we can only guide if anything…the real work is up to each of us. We at least, have found a site that supports and teaches us. Our hearts and minds are in working order and we can learn better behaviors which only help ourselves and others…Being in the world we will make errors and run into pain but we can extricate ourselves from the murk, wash off, and find our place in the sun. I was born into this world alone and I can make it alone provided I have love of myself and my animals and a few select others. I don’t need much, and I think you are very likely the same. Wanting someone to trust who is also the one you share your body with is essential for me and many women. We just have to be aware of our values and be ready to step when we realise there’s no way we’re getting what we need from a situation. Maybe the men we’ve loved will grow. I pray so. The world needs all of us.
Yes I too am trying hard to figure out why I still want the ex EUM non-relationship back when it was so crappy. I mean why do I want the put downs, the one sidedness the hot/cold push pull thing and the lack of general respect or empathy??? Why did I stay so long when I could see all the signs but liked the ‘good’ side and hoped that somehow, when he’d finally got financially rid of his ‘psycho alcoholic ex’ that he hated so much – then he’d eventually be able to emotionally connect to me!! I constantly made excuses for his behaviour because he is a single dad and what do I know about what that’s like. What an idiot I was and i’m still trying to stop wanting him to validate me – which is what I’m doing. If I can fix him then I must be worthy!! I love this website it’s helped me so much in seeing it’s not just about me and what I couldn’t give him, or thinking if I’d only shown him how I loved him more – he’d have ‘run away’ from commitment a lot faster probably!! I am good enough!
We were each others’ first lesbian relationship. Wonderful but complicated. Not out to everyone, we shared an island, and on our island we were happy. After almost two years she leaves me for a male co-worker who had been crushing over her for months. A douchebag who can nevertheless give her what I could not. I was not good enough. And even though I know that if she had loved me she would have stayed regardless, even though I should be relieved, even though it was not meant to be forever, even though she broke my trust and disrespected me – I miss her, I am obsessed with thoughts of them together, I want her to come back and give me the chance to show her that I can be good enough.
turn around,
“I want her to come back and give me the chance to show her that I can be good enough.”
You’ve got it back to front. You want her to come back so you get a chance for her to show you that you are good enough.
But you already are good enough (whether she comes back or not); the only person who needs convincing of that is you.
Thanks Fearless. It’ s just so excruciatingly painful to go through the days – do all the right things I’ve be doing anyways, keeping busy, eating right, hitting the gym – and being lonely and miserable. I let her (them) take up so much space in my mind – their intimacies, their first common holiday, their plans for the future – it’s pathetic. I know there is absolutely nothing I can do while they are in the honeymoon phase. I know that sooner or later her new toy will become an old toy as well. Yet, my ego keeps making up reasons why it cannot work between them and it’s a rebound (or an affair or a case of grass is greener syndrome). And even it they split, why would she come back to me (love is not enough, sic), are we both good enough to make the changes required to make it work another time around? I don’t want to hate her (I manage anger sometimes, never hate), I just wish for indifference.
Natalie thanks for this I have been doing this for sooo long and kept wondering why I wasn’t treated right,why I wasn’t happy. I think we end up in this type of situation due to loneliness and need for attention. I’m getting off that bus now sticking by by values thanks to your insight.