When it comes to dating and relationships, ‘attraction’ can be a word that automatically let’s us off the hook from engaging our brain in any rational thinking. ‘I’m so attracted to him; I just can’t fight it’, she says even though she really should fight ‘it’ because he’s treating her like a booty call even though she thinks he’s her boyfriend. ‘She’s just so damn attractive’ he says about the woman who refuses to even acknowledge his existence. What becomes clear is that ‘attraction’ means different things to different people but I find that four things can certainly affect attraction in the first instance:
Make an effort with your appearance
I would be lying if I claimed that the surface doesn’t come into ‘attraction’. The exterior is what most of us notice first but the reality is that unless you are the shallowest of the shallowest, you will take the whole package – looks, character, and personality – into account which can actually affect your perception of their ‘attractiveness’. At the end of the day there is no point looking like Angelina Jolie if you you’re a nasty person within.
Surface attraction i.e. looks, propels hooks ups, initial dating, dating online, and other short term exploits, but looks will only take you or your mate so far. I should add that this is the same for women that go out with a man purely because he has a big d*ck. After a while no matter how big it is or how great it works, if that is the only part of him that has any substance, the attraction will wain.
That said, if you want to be attractive to the opposite sex, it makes sense to make an effort with your appearance. You don’t need to be a clothes horse or a show pony but at the very least ensure you cover off the basics – hair groomed (no snowflakes), teeth brushed, breath sweet, not so much makeup or fake tan that you could be mistaken for an Ooompa Loompa or a clown, wear clothes that fit, and please don’t wear white socks with black shoes, white bra with black top, or socks and sandals.
But at the end of the day, attraction is actually in the eye of the beholder, so looks wise, as long as you’re not looking for the majority vote, really anything goes. I know a man with breath that can be smelt from about twenty paces..and he has a woman that loves the bones of him. It’s different strokes for different folks.
Personal Positivity
If you have a positive outlook and tend to approach dating and your relationships from a positive perspective, you are highly likely to draw in people that reflect the very positive things that you feel about yourself and life. It’s about vibrations and energy. Hence it makes sense that if you want to be attractive to people who want to live the same positive life you profess to want, it makes sense to radiate that positivity first. I’m not talking happy clappy – I’m talking optimistic, inspiring, etc.
Personal negativity tends to draw in people that reflect the negative things that we believe about ourselves, love, and relationships.
Security
Who I attracted and my relationships changed when I felt secure. Now it wasn’t until I looked back at my chequered dating past that I recognised how hidden insecurities affected who I attracted and who I was attracted to. It’s ideal to find a way to be secure and grounded. Some people are very quick to attribute the word ‘needy’ even if it isn’t warranted, hence you are one step ahead if you can be secure even when you are single. If you date out of a fear of being alone you are likely to attract dubious mates that exacerbate your insecurity. People find secure people attractive because they realise that they are the icing on the cake in that person’s life as opposed to the cake, the main meal, the breakfast, the snacks, the everything.
It’s not attractive when you place the responsibility for your happiness on one person and derive it solely from them.
Really being yourself
If you have to be a bit of a Jeckyll and Hyde in order to be around your mate, you are at odds with the real you and after a while it becomes blurred. People who really want a healthy relationship with prospects want to be with the real you. I know we all have a tendency to put on our Sunday-dating-best during the honeymoon period but the reality is that the ongoing attraction is created by getting to know the real you. Don’t be a fakey and if you start acting happier than you actually feel, not only will you become resentful but you actually dull the attraction with your pretense.
Ultimately there are a lot of things that affect attraction – who you’re attracted to and who you attract – and if you want to ensure that you’re on the right footing, make sure that you find yourself attractive. This means you’re personally happy (or working hard to be), you’re secure, cleaned up any outstanding issues that have the potential to affect your dating and relationship success, and know how to smell bad attraction from a mile off. If there is one thing that women know how to do, it’s to be attracted to the bad stuff – but that’s a whole other post!
This post is part of a roundtable series on attracton with a group of fellow bloggers. The blogs range from career development to dating advice to pickup. The original subject was, ‘what is your best advice for being more attractive?’ See the other great posts below, and watch this space as more get published in the next few days.
What women are looking for…hell men too! [Honey @ Honey and Lance]
Why don’t you date yourself? The power of a magnetic personality [Hot Alpha Female]
5 Ways to Be More Attractive, Stop Sucking, and Dominate At Life[Lance @ Honey and Lance]
What Women Really Want In A Man [Monica O’Brien]
How to Get the Girl – Advice for Men [Lisa Q 40s Singleness]
Blogger Roundtable [Nick Sparks]
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Great blog! I like all the advice that I’ve read today. It’s wonderful to see someone writing advice like develop a sense of security and learning to really be yourself. My life has improved 1000 fold since teaching myself how to master these skills. My personal belief is that confidence and self-esteem are not things that one is born with or just happens to have, they are skills and every person has the ability to develop those skills for themselves.
Yes, yes, yes and yes! I especially love the advice about being yourself. I don’t want someone to fall in love with a mask of who I am. Who has the energy to maintain that after all? So much better to find a man who loves the real me…warts, bumps, and all!
As a man, I can say that’s some good advice. Simply put, a guy would rarely go on a date with a woman he is not mildly attracted to, so the most important thing after that in my experience is….
“Positivity”
The thing that puts me off most on a date are negative people. People who lack confidence about themselves or derive pleasure in putting other people down. Be positive, at least in the beginning!
If you had to quantify the importance of looks, what value would you affix to it? I’m having a little bit of a trough on looks, ie I’m devaluing it and raising personality up a bit. Unusual for a dude, I know.
I think there a lot simpler reasons as to why a person is attracted to another which has nothing to do with personal appearance or positivity.
Interesting however
Let’s get real, I’m middle aged and live in Metro New York. The 4 key things that make a female attractive to a single male in my city are: money, money, money, and money! The divorced males in my city are looking to recoup the cash their ex’s took in the divorce settlement. Girls, be my guest, pay for these gold diggers while their ex’s live the good life and I enjoy my retirement years alone and peaceful with no selfish male to take care of or cause me problems!
Amen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’d agree.
1) Physically making the most of what you have (men are visual)
2) Self-confidence (forget anyone who tries to knock yours repeatedly)
3) Positivity
Hi David Pleches,
your link is invalid, unfortunately.
Do you know another way to the recommended site?
Every time I read this, I still have to nod my head in complete agreement. I’m learning that POSITIVE WOMEN HAVE POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS. I’ll always be responsible for my own happiness regardless of whether or not I find a partner! Just as good the second time around! Thanks, NML!
Hi Everyone. Due to a technical fault with the previous service which notifies you by email when I publish a new post, I have had to move to a new provider. The error means you will now need to sign up to the Feedblitz service if you want to start receiving emails again. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. Thanks Natalie/NML
I am a middle aged woman who has been working very hard with personal growth issues over the past few years. Reading tons of books, seeing a therapist. I am also very well kept, I can afford the latest fashions, dress well, am immaculate. I also am very pretty, great figure, well educated, and have loads of my own money. I am strong, independent, accomplished and do NOT come across as desperate or needy. I golf , paint, can fix almost anything, and am an accomplished dressage rider.
I can’t get past a coffee date.
Like I said, I have read all of the books, and all of the other books on how to ace a first date. I don’t dwell on me, but am receptive to questions asked. I don’t ask things about their financial status, but more about what they love or don’t love about their work, I ask about sports and hobbies, favorite books or movies. Neutral, first date type of stuff, I never mention the ex or his ex and I am also a very optimistic happy personality. So, I just don’t get it? If I fellow likes me enough from reading an on line profile at a dating site, and is interested enough to ask me out after a few emails , then why do I never hear from them again? ( Yes , I offer to pay for my 1/2) I should also add, that I don’t just go for the gorgeous guys, or guys half my age, but I am receptive to any fellow who can use spell check, and isn’t living with his ‘ex wife”.
From talking with girlfriends , a lot of this sort of thing goes on. It’s called ‘the fade’ . The tell you that they really like you, want to see you again, then nothing. I just don’t think this many men can be unavailable, there must be something else going on here that I just can’t figure out. Seriously, I am a nice , normal, very pretty, intelligent woman, who has a good number of girlfriends, and makes friends easily in social circles, so I don’t think it’s something I’m doing wrong, but I am open for suggestions, perhaps I am doing something wrong? I am about to give up on dating altogether, it’s just so demoralizing and batters the self esteem. I have had one long term abusive marriage, and a heartbreaking stint with a Mr unavailable, ( hence the years of therapy) and just when I thought I was ready to try again, I come up against this issue. ( I’m not talking one or two guys, but multitude) Lastly, how can a fellow decide that I am not date worthy by spending 20 minutes with me in a coffee shop?
Any thoughts?
Mistechal
I am also a middle aged woman with many positive qualities and yet, for whatever reason, I am not trying to meet a man. I figure if someone ends up in my life I’ll take it from there. Since I am recovering from a my first odd EUM encounter, late in life, I certainly will be aware of the signs so as to never get involved in that scenario again.
I am sure there are some good guys on dating sites, but the middle aged men I know who who have tried it are looking for easy, no trouble women, usually for fun. One man I know actually gleefully described online dating as being in a candy store. I was stunned, it sounded so juvenile.
Obviously if these guys you meet say things are great and they can’t wait to see you again….and then don’t….they are not exactly men of their word. NIce that you found this out early on, I think dishonesty is one of the trademarks of the EUM. Either their original words of interest were not true, or they don’t have the guts to speak their truth and let you know they are not interested in developing a relationship. I bet some don’t really know what they are hoping to find.
I would not take their behavior personally at all. No need to be validated by guys who make glib statements of intent and flake. My guess is you might be a bit too mature for the fun and games many of them are looking for. I also bet your confidence is a bit intimidating to some. In my book there is nothing to be done about any of that.
I don’t know why but I cannot imagine trying to meet someone from a dating site. For whatever reason, maybe hope and faith, I fully expect that I will meet a good man in the normal course of my day to day life events, without trying.
Just keep doing what you love, be kind to yourself and to others, and don’t let ” fading” men influence your good opinion of you.
Great Blog:
Mistecha: I too am middle aged (50) and take good care of myself. I workout, eat healthy, have my own money and I consider myself a pretty decent catch.
I tried the online thingy for a while and I got the same thing. Lots of first dates but no 2nd 3rd or you know. I had lots of men fade. I was the same way on dates, I was nice and polite, didn’t bring up exes and most of the time felt the chemistry was there. Obviously not on their end.
The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. Once I stopped the online dating, overanalyzing and wondering what I did wrong, I’m a lot happier.
So I get lonely sometimes and I wish I had a mate but I can’t force it to happen. I surf, do some volunteer work, stay politically active (am involved in some group) and hope for the best.
I’ve been saying for years that the sexiest thing in the world is a very smart, funny man. And, I’ve been looking for a man who feels them same about women. Throw in creativity, similar interests, an easy honesty & a lack of game playing and you’ve got perfection. My friends (most of them are male) tell me I’m too smart for the average Joe. While many men seem to be attracted to me, they become intimidated rather quickly. Which leaves the self assured, smart, funny men (who are few and far between). That’s OK, I’ve been patient, and finally found that perfect man, who I personally think is gorgeous (unfortunately he lives 3000 miles away). Hopefully that will change some day.
I’m not saying looks don’t matter especially at first, but they become secondary very quickly. Sexual attraction (for me at least) is mostly mental.
Excellent Article, I really enjoyed reading you post!
It’s all about self confidence, being positive and making the best out of yourself. If you come off as confident, to people, more importantly, you come off as confident to your ideal match. Confident people are mostly happy and content people, and you will attract people, without even thinking about it.
@ Millionaire Matchmaker,
I have read that what you say is true – that being and appearing confident opens doors and reaps rewards.
So, how does someone feel confident when those around them belittle and abuse them? How do you appear confident when you are afraid of upsetting someone in your household? How do you get dangerous people out of your life when you don’t feel in control?
How do you guide yourself from misery and depression to “The sun will come out tomorrow??”
How do you explain to someone alone and hurting that they need healing and rebuilding, that simply getting introduced to a millionaire or other attractive mate won’t solve all the problems, all the excess baggage?
Just guessing from your name, Millionaire Matchmaker, and looking at the sunny post – this seems more like a promotional blog entry for yourself. And it almost looks like you failed to identify who your audience is, or what we need most.
Thanks for the ray of sunshine, though!