In part one, I talked about how you’re an escape from reality, that all the cheating guys are liars, that the situation is far from being unique, that these guys are manipulators, that they rarely leave their wives or girlfriends, and that as women we treat the dysfunctional relationship we have with these men like a competitive sport. In part 2, I explained how we’re responsible for our actions, how they remove our power, how we need to be in a dark place to be with them in the first place, that we have issues with commitment, that we do hurt even when we pretend we don’t, and much more. And now for the final part…
You have to make his wife or girlfriend real. Stop pretending that she doesn’t exist. Stop regarding her as the woman who is standing in the way of you being with the guy that is rightfully yours. Start regarding her as human. I used to refer to his girlfriend as ‘her’ and I noticed that on the rare occasions that I said her name, he’d wince. The more I got real is the more that I called her by her name and made her real for us both. I stopped regarding her as pathetic and weak and started seeing her as a woman, someone who is human and has faults and makes mistakes just like me. I realised that even if I put myself in her shoes and decided that she wasn’t an amazing person, who the hell was I to regard her so negatively when it was me who was sleeping with her man!
You also need to be real about what you’re doing. The damage that both parties do in this deceitful relationship is untold. I’m lucky that my guy didn’t have kids and hand on heart, I wouldn’t have touched him with a bargepole if he had! But plenty of women do and whether he has no kids, ten kids, a llama, or just a plain ‘ole wife or girlfriend, you are doing damage even if they don’t yet know about it. In order for me to be with him for our snatched times together, I had to deduct time from her, get him to lie repeatedly, and like all cheats, he was emotionally unavailable to both of us. Yes he did the ‘I love yous’ but like most men who are having their cake and eating it too, he talked a bloody good game but as soon as they walk out the door, it is out of sight, out of mind. They mean what they say as much as anyone who is being so dishonest in general can mean anything.
My mantra’s became ‘What’s in it for me?’ and ‘What have you done for me lately?’ and the more that I said this to myself, is the more that I realised that I had gone way off track. When you’re the Other Woman, you regard the smallest things as something big. If a guy who didn’t have a girlfriend or a wife did those things, you’d think he was having a laugh. That’s when I started looking at how we were when we were together and what he did and said, and it became clear that living the life of the Other Woman had nothing in it for me. If I wanted to cry on occasions like birthdays, Christmases, be quizzed about who I was out with, who I’d told about us, pretend that I was single, pretend that I wasn’t bothered about people feeling sorry for me being involved, pretending that it didn’t often feel like wham, bam, thank you mam as he kept his beady eye on the time, then clearly there was plenty in it for me. But in reality, the good stuff is tipped severely in his direction and he reaps all the benefits whilst your own life goes down the toilet, or at the very least remains in limbo.
I realised that I didn’t want to be with a liar or a coward. It all just became a long, drawn out ordeal and it became clear that he was too scared to commit to being with just her and was equally too scared to commit to being with just me. A very typical commitment-phobe and not exactly a great candidate for happiness. That is the reality of the attached man that is in no danger of leaving his wife or girlfriend but tries to have the best of both worlds.
Men like to have something to go to and they don’t like to feel like bastards. They’re hoping that she does something sooooooooooo bad that it gives him the perfect excuse to walk away. They can’t ‘just finish it’; there has to be something really wrong. He can’t just have met someone else and fallen for them because in their minds, that’s a really bad thing to have to tell someone and easier just to screw someone behind their backs. They say women are illogical (so not true) but that’s nothing compared to the cheating man.
Good, decent men sort out their old relationship before they move on. There can be a slight overlap, but good decent men don’t try to have the best of both worlds by cheating on a partner for months or years at a time. There are plenty of men out there that will grow their nuts and go and sort out their stuff so that they can be with the woman that they’ve met. A decent guy will leave you be and come back when his house is in order.
And that’s really what is at the heart of this. Loving someone takes a leap of faith and a man that wants to find out what you both potentially have in store for each other will grow some nuts and take that leap. Anybody else who drags out the saga for months or even years on end is trying to figure out what he wants on BOTH of your time and if so much time has passed, you have to wonder how much they can really feel. My ex is still with his girlfriend and every single cheat that a friend has been involved with is either still with the wife or girlfriend, has been thrown out, or is with someone else. Yes, occasionally it works out, but for the great majority, it doesn’t.
Check out part two and part three of this post.
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im the girlfriend and my man has all these lil sideline hoes. he put a ring on my finger but it meant nothing. so now im left with a broken heart and the biggest sense of betrayal. i pushed him till he left even tho i thought we could work it out. does that make me stupid for trying to still love him?
Michelle,If you read breaking up and getting over the MM, you can see how these men are manipulators. They have no self control. I don’t think it was wrong to want to try to save your love. You had a right to try, he gave you a ring and he was your man. I do not think many of these men will change. I don’t think I can say all of them but many of them. Im sorry you have been hurt. Some day you will see its great that you didnt marry someone like him. If he has “all these” girls on the side like you said. If you stayed with him, it would of been years of no trust, fights, You could even get some STD from that. Why marry someone who has no respect for you? You deserve a real man. Not a dog in heat. And don’t even blame yourself for pushing him away. Are you kidding yourself. He did this to you! To your relationship. You did not push him away. You were a smart strong woman. Don’t even make him let you think you did this to the relationship. Thats what cheaters do. Manipulate and control. They make you think it was your fault. Helps them feel less guilty. Stay strong you did the right thing.
“My mantra’s became “What’s in it for me?†and “What have you done for me lately?†and the more that I said this to myself, is the more that I realised that I had gone way off track. When you’re the Other Woman, you regard the smallest things as something big.”
OMG, rock on, NML. Mine was a Catholic priest, and it was *exactly* like that. As one of my friends put it, it was like eking out that last little bit of Marmite or jam and making it streeeeeeeetch across that bread. And I always understood, because he was always doing something important – teaching, hearing confession, hospital…how can you argue with that? But dates got moved, or he was too tired…but he could always head to Europe during the summer with his fellow priests…
…meanwhile, I’m supposed to be grateful for an IM appearance and for the abuse he doled out when he was drinking or when I had the *nerve* to book a restaurant HE SUGGESTED for his birthday a fortnight in advance (it’s VERY popular) – I was, of course, ‘trying to trap him’, despite the fact I’d made it clear I was only booking b/c if we’d waited much longer there wouldn’t be any space.
I’ve had enough. As another of my friends said to her man when he screwed up, “I’m bloody lovely. And YOU’RE F***ING THIS UP.”
They eventually ended up happily married. So let’s stop avoiding conflict, ladies, and start telling the truth – to ourselves above all.
And don’t be afraid to walk.
Iz x
I’m new to this blog, and I LOVE this series on infidelity, especially this last post.
YES, we need to step out of our own selfish skins and start applying that Golden Rule we were taught as kids. If you would be heartbroken and destroyed if your man cheated on you, why would you do that to some other woman? Why are we so callous?
I also fully agree with the conclusion that any man worthy of that title will do the right thing and end it with his wife or girlfriend before he asks you to take over that role.
As you may have guessed, I’ve had my own experiences with this topic, although my role in it was a little different than the conventional OW’s. You see, I was the OW but didn’t know it. I thought I was the girlfriend, so I had to deal with a particularly unique pain resulting not only from a betrayal of trust but from a sudden and unexpected loss of significance to the man I’d thought loved me more than anything (or anyone in this case). Plus, I felt like an utter fool for having been duped so thoroughly. (That’s one reason, btw, why I will never support the much-repeated sentiment that no one can take advantage of you unless you let them. A selfish, manipulative person took advantage of me, and I was in no way to blame for that. )
Anyway, like any OW, I was hit hard with the same feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, jealousy, bitterness, and despair. Let me tell you, the onslaught of these emotions was not worth the brief moments of elation in the beginning of our relationship.
In my case, I had no idea I was an OW, and I can’t imagine why anyone would consciously set themselves up for this kind of heartache. If you’re contemplating becoming an OW, walk away. RUN if you have to. Sure, you’ll wonder what might have been, but that’s so much better than finding out the answer with all its accompanying devastation.
Singletude
I am the O/W. I have been in the relationship for 14 months and i’m very confused. when i first met the man i didnt know he had a partner of 7yrs, a month down the line and before we had had sex he told me he had a partner and that he loved her and what a lovely person she was. I had by this time got hooked on him, but asked why he was coming to see me if he loved his partner, his answer was that he enjoyed my company and it wasnt all about having a bit on the side. He treats me well but in the time we have been seeing each other we have been out once for a drink. His partner isaway some weekends and rather than go with her he stays at home so he can see me. Why would he risk all he has got just for a couple of hours with me if he loves her. He also says i need to find a man, but when i say i will make a point of doing so, he makes sure he marks me such as a hicky or scratches. I’m very confused, he also says that when i do find a man of my own he still wants to be friends. I don’t know what to make of it all. HELP anybody?
Goldie, sounds to me like you have been manipulated a wee bit. Ok, a lot. I am sure he is a great guy, attentive etc. but he has put his claim on you without you being able to return the favour.
I know, I’ve been there.
Does he say that he thinks you need to find a man, but then says he hopes you never do? well he is by giving you those marks, if he doesn’t verbalize it.
It really is a no-win situation for you, honest.
Break it off, cause it doesn’t sound like a healthy thing at all. He is in love with his partner, or else he wouldn’t be with her still. Men can be quite delusional about the risks they take.
They think they are invincible at times, and if they are ‘careful’ no one will find out.
Hence the ‘one drink out’ thing.
He thinks he is being smart.
It is hard, especially when you care about someone, and unfortunately their marital status has nothing to do with pure emotion.
You like someone, regardless.
You are attracted, regardless.
The only thing it should affect is whether or not you act upon it, or if you have, how you take care of yourself in the situation.
If you stay in it, make some ground rules for YOU, not him, YOU. Take care of you.
He is taking very good care of HIM.
There is a saying that I repeat to myself on occasion and I think it pertains
‘never allow someone to become your priority while continuing to be their option’
p.s. Elsie, I think the difference with yours and Goldie’s situation is that you didn’t know, and you put your hearts on the line. Some people can do it, when they set up boundaries, it isn’t a matter of being callous, sometimes s*it happens, and you make a choice. It doesn’t mean you are a horrible person. If you knew before you got involved, would you still like him? of course you would. but like I said, the difference is whether or not you act upon it. irresponsible, yes. weak? maybe…human…definitely. don’t be too hard on yourselves…or others. loneliness can cause humans to do all kinds of irresponsible things.
one night stands wouldn’t exist without it!!!
lol
xo
cheekie
I’m also writing as the OW. I have been for just over 5 months, at least that’s when we started sleeping together. We work together and round about the time we started sleeping together we both applied for the same job at our company – I got it, and I am now his boss. He is 28 years older than me and been married for 36 years – his marriage is 2 years older than I am and he never had an affair until me.
He has never led me to believe he would leave his wife for me, and I don’t think I would really want him to, although I love him very much and miss him dreadfully when we’re apart (which is a lot of the time). Weekends are the worst, especially this one, as our Friday night plans fell through; there are all sorts of horrible thoughts going through my mind and I just can’t wait to see him tomorrow.
I worked with him for about 2 years before we started our affair, although I knew I was falling for him about 6 months before we started it. He made the first move (by email!) and at first I was shocked (I’d genuinely never thought he would act on any feelings he had, as I know how much his family means to him) and told him absolutely no way as it could cause so much hurt and devastation. Then somehow things changed fairly quickly and I knew it was what I wanted and I gave in. I know how callous that must sound, because I suppose it is. And to complicate things further, he has an erectile dysfunction… As you pick yourselves up off the floor, wondering what the hell the point is, the point is the friendship and the moments of love and tenderness we share together.
I had several nice relationships throughout my 20s, although always found I didn’t want to commit. I then had a horrid experience of unrequited love when I was about 30 (I eventually told the guy, who was practically my best friend, and after a lot of grief, I am well over it and we remain good friends) and not long after that an intense relationship with someone I loved deeply but ultimately left, which was very very hard to do and it took me a long time to get over (he was a serious alcoholic).
I do wonder if there is something in the comment that I am an OW because it’s easier to go into a relationship that is doomed to failure anyway, because of my past experiences.
I never depersonalised his wife or kids (who aren’t much younger than me) and when we talk about them, talk about them by name. I know that he would never ever give her up and would do anything to protect his family from being hurt.
Sometimes I have moments where I wish I’d never let this get started and I wonder where it will go. I hope I soon find the courage to end it, but of course, there’s a tiny part of me that thinks he might, just might, make a bold move. Deep down I know he won’t and as I say, I’m not sure I would want him to anyway. He often encourages me to meet other men, and has said before that he wouldn’t fight me ending it. Which, being a romantic at heart, makes me question his love for me; but being realistic, I understand completely why he says that and know that, ultimately, he’s right.
I’m not looking for advice from anyone; certainly not validation, as what I am doing is potentially incredibly hurtful to so many people and couldn’t possibly be justifiable. I guess just reading the article and comments made me think a bit of catharsis might do me good and may give me the courage to do the right thing (incredibly difficult and heartbreaking though it will be) and end it.
Hi everyone. As of this past Wednesday I released my OW situation. I am putting myself on a 60 day Other Woman detoxification program. I ran across this website at the time as was good timing too.
I have had the guy that has done all of the above to his current girlfriend that he works with still. We were next door neighbors until he bought a home eight months ago and now lives still very close to me. The story began with him cheating on his ex wife for two years with the lady he works with and now he just vicously continues the pattern. I till don’t understand what inspires a man to think his ex wife is going to stick around for an open marriage or relationship? Looking back I do not understand why I was so weak to get myself caught in something like this either. Well as it has only been four days or so, I didn’t even make a call to wish him a happy holiday or invite him to my families house as I always am kind enough to do. Maybe he will learn someithng from it at some point but as for me with the information and support of this website I will be just fine!! Thanks again.
I was so excited to find this site and was relieved to know I wasn’t alone. I was recently in a relationship with a married man. I entered the relationship not knowing who he was. Although at the time we met, I was mislead to believe he was separated for 2.5 years, so i figured it was pretty safe. After all he was living in his own apartment. A few months into the relationship I had red flags going off like alarm bells, they were so stong I felt nauseated to my stomach. The solution I thought was to talk to him about my concerns.
I told him my concerns were that he still had a number of conections to his previous home. (they were married & lived in a rural town) He still did all his banking there, had the same hair dresser there, still parked his car at his ex’s house and he continued to receive mail at her house. This did not sound like a 2.5 year separation. He admitted he needed to address these and that he was not god at conflict and he was a huge procastinator. He assurred me he was going to take care of these asap.
feeling comforted, I continued the relationship. We began to spend time with his family and my family but I still was not taken in public places, instead I was taken to places out of town and away from people who might know him or might see us. I didn’t see what was coming. One day outta the blue he showed up at my house for a planned supper. He was flustered and appeared distraught. He told me his ex had found out about our relationship and had attempted suicide. He was concerned about his child at home who was confused by the event. He also said, “if I have to go back I will” I knew it was done, how could I possibly compete with this situation. This was basically the end of that relationship.
As time went on I was devasted and completely blindsided, he went back to his marraige. Months passed and I was beginning to feel better each day and low and behold he resurfaced. He came to talk to me, he told me he knew he made a decision out ofsheer panic and it was ahuge mistake. He said his marriage was over nad it was just a matter of weeks and he was going to leave, he asked me to wait and I said yes.
Weeks turned into months, and we rekindled the relationship, sneaking a few nights there and here. Each time I asked for an update on his life he said he was progressing, seeing a lawyer, seeking another place to live. He said he needed my support and understanding, “these things need time”. I believed him and I couldn’t let go of the relationship we had before all the drama.
More time passed and before I knew it six months had passed and still no action on his part, he still neeeded more time.
A few times he showed up and said he was kicked out, he stayed at my place only to return back to her house three days later. This happened three times. The third time was the last for me, it was my limit. I cut him outta my life cold turkey. changed my numbers and blocked every point of entry. It was so difficult to do and I am going through withdrawal and somedays are downright miserable but I am feeling more empowered every day.
This website could not have come at a better time for me. I was feeling so alone. About two and a half months ago, my oldest and one of my best friend’s husband hit on me one night while we went to pick up somebody from work. We had all been drinking a little bit, so it didn’t really suprise me. We hadn’t been gone from the house two minutes when he looked over at me and said, “Can I tell you something and you promise not to tell (my friend)” And I said sure. He says, “You are so hot.” And seeing where this was going, I tried to be casual and said “Thank you.” Then he asked if he could kiss me. I don’t know why I said yes. Everything inside me except for my hormones, which granted are more powerful than I would like them to be, was screaming no. Red flags and sirens were going off everywhere in my head. But I let him anyway. And what was worse, I genuinely enjoyed it. Part of the problem is that I am in a very unfulfilling sexual relationship with my own fiance, whom I have been with for six years (he is bisexual, and I end up being neglected a lot of the time). I was starved for attention sexually and otherwise, so I suppose it isn’t difficult to see why I let him start this. He pulled into a boat ramp five minutes later and tried to get me to have sex with him, and I could see this spinning totally out of control, so I said we needed to go and get my boyfriend. We went to get him and went back to their house. Several other times throughout the night, I found myself alone with him – we made out intermittetly and he kept trying to pull off my underwear and I kept telling him no, I wasn’t ready. At that point, I was ready to make my peace with the fact that we had made out and just leave it at that. I had no idea what had been awakened.
The next day, he called me from a payphone to talk about what had happened the night before, and make sure I was “ok” about it. In retrospect, I know what he was trying to really find out. One, he wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to tell his wife, and two, he wanted to see if this was going to continue. Since I told him that I was ok with what had happened, I had answered both of these concerns to his satisfaction. In the meantime, a horrible guilt sensation had started manifesting inside me, and at this point it had just progressed to heavy petting. I was hoping he was going to forget about it or change his mind, but the phone calls and text messages began. He started calling me two and three times a day, and sending messages like “I can’t stop thinking about you.” “You are so hot”, “What have you done to me” – things like that. You have to understand that this was so overwhelming for me – I had never been pursued like this and the attention was intoxicating, especially considering the fact that I had always repressed a crush on him. That first night he even said he loved me. And given the fact that we had known each other for so long (going on eight years), I let myself believe that it was true. I kept talking to him when I should have been avoiding his calls and texts. I told myself that I was going to let him down easy when he came back to town (they were in the middle of moving back south from up north). Letting him kiss me was as far as I was comfortable with, because it wasn’t really cheating as far as I had defined it. Anyway, it wasn’t nearly as awful as having sex. Sex was out of the question (or at least that’s what I told myself) – but somehow I knew that I was going to give in. Three weeks later, when they came back to town, I went over there a couple of times – more kissing, but this was about the time the first odd pattern would emerge. After one time that I went there and he tried to get me to have sex with him outside in the driveway forty feet from the house, I told him I was uncomfortable with it, and he backed off. After I got home, he texted me and told me he was upset because I had made him feel bad for trying to do that, and that he had all these issues with rejection from high school and he needed to know that I was really attracted to him. I explained that I was very attracted to him, but needed to take things slowly because I didn’t know how far I wanted things to go yet. He claimed he understood, and I thought everything had been resolved. Two nights later I went over there and we drank and I decided to stay because I didn’t think I could drive. I was in the back bedroom and within an hour, he left his room (which was right next to mine) and came into mine and closed the door. we started kissing and before I could stop him, he pulled off my jeans and I said “No, stop.” He said, “I’m sorry, but I have to. I just can’t stop I have to.” I started crying and begged him to stop but he kept at it for a few more minutes until it finally became clear to him that it was not fun for me. He pulled away and left , saying only “I thought you liked me.” I found him later and brought him back in the room, and told him that I wasn’t mad, that it wasn’t rape – he just got a little out of control and that I did like him. I was more concerned about his feelings than my own. I told him that I was okay, but I felt sick inside. The next day I talked to him and I should have known that he wasn’t really sorry for doing that to me, because he just talked about how good I felt and making sure I wasn’t going to say anything to anybody about it.
After that, I told myself that was it, no more. I don’t know why when he texted the next day and told me that his wife was leaving town for a few days that I consented to go down there. Maybe I felt like I deserved it. Maybe I just have a compulsive need to make thigs right. I don’t know. He told me that he “just wanted to be close to me” and that we were just supposed to watch movies. Five minutes into this movie we were making out, and this went on for literally hours before I finally gave in and had sex with him. The next day I was visiting a friend an hour away from him and we started texting – everything was pleasant at first but then it quickly dissolved into a fight – he called and I wouldn’t answer because I was in mixed company. He continued to text until I agreed to talk to him for “five minutes” – we ended up bickering for an hour. He cried and told me that if I loved him, I would “be nicer” to him (meaning I would do whatever he wanted sexually whenever he wanted it). He said he hadn’t felt this way in ten years and he didn’t understand why I couldn’t “show him” that I loved him. I felt so terrible that I went to his house almost immediately and had sex with him several times, which was the worst possible thing I could have done, because from that point on, I had lost my resolve completely and had become completely and hopelessly attached. Almost instantly after that night, his attitude towards me changed. He didn’t want to talk on the phone nearly as much, claiming that it was because we had used too many minutes. He hardly texted. We still arranged meetings and started having sex pretty much anywhere and anytime we could get ten minutes together. Then he started asking to borrow money. We were still exchanging “I love yous” during sex but any conversation outside our sexual encounters was rapidly disappearing. Then I started to notice that I was going way out of my way for him while he made almost no effort at all. At some point, he became afraid that she would catch us and said that we couldn’t have sex anymore. When I asked him if he loved me, he said “In a way”. So that whole thing was just a lie to get me into bed – something that I cannot believe I fell for. The no sex resolve lasted less than a week. But the phone calls had stopped completely – the only time I heard from him was when he called me back after I called him, or calling if he needed something – specifically money. Last Friday was the last time was had sex – and three short days later, when I was over at their house – he behaved as if he didn’t want to see me at all. And the following day when I was there, he acted very much the same way. Before I left, he kissed me and I asked if he was mad at me, and he said no. I told him to call me, and he said he would. The next morning, I called him and got no answer, and he never called back. I didn’t hear from him at all yesterday, and this morning I called twice in two hours, and I haven’t heard a thing. It is clear to me that either he is sick of me, and is shifting me to the back burner – or he just plain doesn’t care how I feel. I feel very confused and angry. I have been crying all morning and trying to figure out what I could have done to make this happen. I don’t know why he went so cold so fast. I am not going to call him again, and if he does call (which I don’t think he will), I will try to not answer. But I have no faith in my resolve, because the emotional state I am in, I just want to hear from him once so I know that he still likes me and I think that is just sick. Reading over this post, I am disgusted with myself for letting a bastard like this have such an emotional hold over me. And the worst part is that he will not be held responsible for any of this because I stand to lose too much for exposing him. I feel like I’m the one who did something wrong, and I wish I knew what to do with all this pain. I am so hurt right now I don’t know what to do with myself. Any support or advice would be greatly welcome.
Eden I just came across your post and I really feel sorry for you and for the pain that you are in. I think you know why you got into this situation from the way you’ve written the post. If it’s any comfort I know that I would have done the same thing in the same circumstances, I’m sure many of us would.
You say that you are engaged to a bisexual so you are neglected and sexually unfulfilled – then along comes Mr Devastating user who overwhelms you with attention and ‘I love you’s’ which is exactly what you want to hear at the moment, and you are quickly doing more or less what he wants you to do. Until the thrill is gone for him, or you’re not giving him what he wants any more, or whatever it is that he wanted to get from you. You are right, he’s behaved like a using bastard and from what you say fits the mold of EUM/cheater/narcissist/thrill seeking user, I’m sure there are many other labels too.
The thing is that you were in a place where you were ripe for this man to know exactly how to get to you, and you can see I’m sure that you need to look honestly at your life and why you were susceptible. And why you are engaged to someone who isn’t fulfilling you is to me a big question.
Reading this blog, NML’s books and any of the other books like Men who hate women and the women who love them, or He’s scared, she’s scared, might help you to move forward, because clearly you are looking for more than you are getting out of your life at the moment.
Good luck
Eden,
I’m concerned about your relationship with a bi-sexual man, are you comfortable with his open relationship with men? Is he going to be your life partner?
I’m really struggling with this. I’ve been involved, on and off, with a married musician for four years. I knew I wasn’t the only one, and don’t care so much about that, so long as I felt like he cared. This year he finally seemed to be taking steps towards getting out of his marriage– I never pushed him but since I’ve known him it seems they are always fighting and patching things up– when we reconnected last year we’d been out of contact for over six months; things with them are no better. But now he’s not sure again. I’m conflicted– I really respect his desire to go in a healthy way, if he goes, and not have secret relationships. that really seems like progress. On the other hand, I’m very critical of his seeming to feel like he should stay because of how much SHE sort of “deserves” him through her loyalty (I’m paraphrasing, he doesn’t use that word). I have shared these thoughts with him and also let him know I don’t expect him to be “with” me if he leaves her that being on his own is the best thing that could happen to him– which is what he would want– all his life he’s gone from woman to waiting woman (this is his second marriage). I really think the main thing that’s kept him from leaving already is their little girl.
OK, so the essence of my question is, am I enabling him, or is he displaying growth and change? I do love him but don’t want to be hurt. Yet I also don’t want to give up just when we might have a real chance.
Dearest ladies,
Well, mine left his…after she stalked me, attacked me from behind, broke 3 ribs and punctured my lung…all in his presence. Do you think he called 911? Nope…didn’t call me the next day to see how I was…
Well, he finally left a couple of months later, and then the real fun began. (Be careful what you wish for.) Oh yes, he “loved” me and we were “soulmates”–(read addiction). He was not only a compulsive liar and a cheat, but had a victim mentality as well. After 7 years of my own delusions/illusions, I have finally given him up. (For four years he has been free, but always has excuses about why he has to live 500 miles away.) I am going to write the book, “The Book of Excuses For Men…1000 excuses to give a woman on why you just can’t “come to the relationship party, or anything else for that matter.”
Trust my experience ladies–forget about him leaving his wife–even if he did, you would spend years hanging on to the delusion and fantasy of who he really is, and eventually you, and your life, would become exactly the same “wife” and same miserable relationship that he had before–only the names change. We only have one relationship in our lives…the one with ourselves. Until we change ourselves, and our core issues, we will just keep having the same relationship over and over again!
You do not/cannot be in TRUE love with a married/or otherwise unavailable man. It is only a fantasy and delusion caused by lust, chemistry, unhealthy attachment based upon illusion, lies, and dreams. Real love requires Reality Acceptance, and a true knowing of the individual you are in love with. Loving a married man is not a “relationship” with another person. It is a relationship with yourself and your own mind.
Stop focusing on whether or not he will/has ever left her. That’s just a distraction for your mind and emotions. Even if he did, or ever would, you would eventually find out that you really didn’t want him anyway. (Not to mention that you’d feel pretty crummy inside if he did…because eventually, after you really got to know the real him and what the real nature of his character is, you’d you’d feel really sorry for her, as a woman.)
I wish I were able to say that I had never made my own “happiness” out of the cost of another’s happiness. Most of all, I wish I had never made my own “misery” out of another woman’s misery. (Now, neither one of us has the cad, but I’ll bet you she’s alot more at peace and happy with herself than I.) I’ll be healing from my illusions and addiction for a long time to come.
If a married man/committed man hits on you, or you find yourself attracted to one…RUN! RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!
Signed,
“I should have known better than to trust that him–he’s a Gemini!”
Hi ladies, many thanks for reading this message.
I am a writer for Marie Claire magazine and I’m working on a feature on women whose partners left a significant other to be with them.
It doesn’t matter if you’re still with the man question – a variety of experiences is expected (and welcomed!)
The piece will be very positive and non-judgmental, and will comprise a short telephone interview. You will also get the opportunity to take part in a photo shoot with of the magazine’s top photographers.
If you, or anyone you know, has been in this situation, I’d love to hear from you. Please email me at caroline.hedley@gmail.com. Thanks in advance!
My married man for 14 months claimed that his reason for not breaking up with his wife was because of citizenship purposes. Broke up with him a month ago, but was still getting hurt so have decided not to contact him at all and has worked well for the past week. I think previous to that I was hoping that he would change miraculously and we could get back together. He then asked me to send something to him and gave me the address which was different to the address that i’d been visiitng him at! upon confrontation he claimed that he’d moved the last weekend! how very likely…? So I really have no idea what is going on with him! The no contact is really helping me see things in perspective, and realise how dumb I’ve been. I can see all the lies for what they have been, and establish the real reasons for all the disappointments. He always told me that the wife and him were seperated but he had respect for her so didn’t want her to know about us. I now realise how ridiculous this all is. I’m tempted to get in touch just so I can get closure as I want an explanation…
naz – don’t do it, that’s exactly what he wants. Keep your NC going. If he is for real he will make sure he tells you in an appropriate way.
Actions speak louder than words.
Yes you’re right. He doesn’t treat me right at all, makes no effort, not even on valentines where he dissappeared after an hour to apparently babysit his son whom he never has on that specific day of the week, nor on my 21st birthday, he turned up 5 hours late and didn’t even come out for dinner with my friends. wouldn’t be that much of a big deal if all the other days of the year he was making me his priority! I deserve and can do better!
I’m really glad I have found this site, seeing all these “symptoms” written out explicitly has helped me realise/confirm that I am just another woman.
Awesome post. So many of these things I’ve said to him over and over and yet he made me feel like I was nuts for saying it. Nice to know finally that I wasn’t.
I’m not really sure what I’m here looking for or expecting but I do know I’m in a really hard situation and I don’t know how to handle it. I’ve been seeing a guy who has a girlfriend of 8years and he also has 2 children. We worked together and started off as friends with a lot in common. Of course our friendship turned into a fling. A fling that I thought I could control my feeling. That was my first stupid mistake. We started spending more and more time together. I fell in love. He did everything just right. He treats like royalty. When he’s mine of course. Then he finally told me he was in lovve with me and the only one. The only reason he left me at night was because the kids need him.
I’m sure I’m not telling you anything that you haven’t already heard. Well here comes the cherry on top. So there we were enjoying life together. Spent every night together. We even went out on the weekends. We don’t live in a very big cit everyone at work new and knows about us. He doesn’t even care who sees us together almost like he doesn’t care to get caught. He still the same way now. Point is he is truely in love with me. And I’m not just naively saying this. He’s proven it many times. He doesn’t care who knows about us he takes care of me buys me flowers when he misses me blah blah blah right?
Jealousy of his girlfriend is finally kicking in. When he’s not with me all I can think about is that he is spending this romantic cuddle evening with her. Of course she has all the right to have it. I no longer want to be the other woman. Its me or her. He tells me I have to he patient because he’s not ready to leave his kids. And by leave he means have the kids taken away from him…or something. I just don’t want his gf to find out about us and go threw hurt and pain. I feel awful already being a homewrecker…I really don’t want her to be in pain too. Why don’t I just leave right? So here’s where I need the help. I love him so much and its so hard for me to let him go or leave him as he would say. But about 14 weeks ago we found out that we are having a baby together. He couldn’t be happier. Making plans to take care of us. I don’t know how to leave a man that loves me and his baby that I’m carrying. Who says he wants to be with us as a family but I have to give him time to prepare or settle pthwr things. I’m not really sure where I’m going with this anymore. I just know I’m out of tears I’ve lost all close frìends.
Dearest ladies, I’m new on this thread. I’m also so glad to have found this website, because I’m going through hell and it’s comforting to discover there are so many woman in similar situations. I’m a MW who’s in love with a very neurotic MM. He’s beginning to do my head in, so I’m slowly trying to distance myself from him, but it’s very hard.
I’ve been in an “open marriage” for a long time, and met this then single man 12 years ago. He was tall, gorgeous, super-intelligent, funny, and oozed charm. The sort of man it’s very hard to forget… We chatted for hours on our first date and definitely “clicked”, but after this his feelings fluctuated all the time: sometimes he would be passionate, at others cool and distant. A real EUM I think! This behaviour certainly had the effect of “reeling me in”, although I didn’t understand how he managed to do that at the time!
Our relationship was platonic for quite a while, and then one evening we went for a walk in a park and he kissed me passionately as if he never wanted to let me go. I wanted to go back with him to his flat to make love with him, but he suddenly told me he couldn’t go any further, that it would be a big mistake and left me high and dry. I was gutted. He didn’t want to meet me any more after that, but we wrote to each other for a long time, and I became his confidante. There were long pauses in our relationship where he was living with other women, but he kept on writing to me whenever a relationship was over, for consolation. Was I a kind of “Fallback Girl”? I realise now that that’s just what I was… Whenever he wrote after a breakup, he would refer to our kiss and how desirable I was, and how he would have liked to take things further. Very frustrating for me, and I couldn’t work out what his game was… I think this very fact is what kept me hooked on him all this time.
Then 7 years ago, he got in touch again with the same flattery and I fell for it once more. Once I had opened my heart to him and told him how much I still wanted a relationship with him, he told me he had just met the woman of his dreams and that she was willing to get married and have a child by him, which was his life’s ambition. (Why had he written to me precisely then? I find that very puzzling. Was he scared because he was taking such a big step, and needed to use me as a safety net?) So he said that we had to stop writing to each other because he wanted to build his life with this woman. Of course, once again I was gutted, but I wished him well and tried to get over him over the next few years.
Then a year ago, he emailed me again to tell me that he was now married, had taken on two step-children and had a child of four… He told me a lot about his life and marriage, and I could read between the lines that he was not terribly happy because he had a lot of quarrels with his wife as well as sexual problems. But when he came back to our kiss once again and said how he still fantasized about me, I told him to get lost. He was very hurt and broke off all contact with me. But this year, when he wrote to me again and confessed how deeply unhappy he was, I caved in and joined him in his sexual fantasies. That’s when we created a kind of dream world together, with erotic email exchanges. I became completely hypnotized by our dream world. Our fantasies were mostly sexual at first, and then strong feelings came into them as well, and finally he started talking about meeting me to make love. But each time he organised a meeting, something “came up” and the date fell through. This happened four times. I found his fluctuating behaviour very strange and irritating, but still couldn’t understand what he was up to. Did he just want the ego boost of knowing I wanted him, but without the stress and guilt of meeting and taking things further?
I feel ashamed about it now, but during the summer I invited him to a flat I had to look after, but he refused, saying that although he loved and wanted me, he couldn’t do that to his wife. We fell out over this for a while, but then in the autumn he said again that he wanted to meet me because he was going crazy with desire.
And then the bombshell: he wrote to me to tell me that he had “accidentally” left out the email where I had invited him to the flat, and his wife had found it!! I was mortified. He said that he still wanted to carry on writing to me and exchanging our dream fantasies, that he needed me, but this email brought me back to earth painfully, with a big crash, and I started to think about what I was doing, and what pain I must have caused his wife. I told him this in an email, but all he said was that he took full responsibility for our relationship, that he was the one who had decided to enter into a relationship with me and that none of this was my fault. He told me he had had huge rows with his wife over this email, and he wrote to me half drunk from his office where he retreated when the rows got too violent.
He wrote to me twice and then fell silent. That was so very hard. I haven’t heard from him for almost a month, but I definitely won’t write to him now. I felt sorry for him somehow when he had this email “accident”, but even more sorry for his poor wife. Then I began to wonder: had he left that email out on purpose to punish his wife in some way? That made me think, and I finally realised that I didn’t want to interact with a man who could treat his wife in this way. And then I finally realised that he hadn’t treated me well all those years either… This man is so appealing and has such charm that it’s hard not to have strong feelings for him, but this latest development has finally opened my eyes. I’ve realised that we were both playing a dangerous game and that his wife and family could have been seriously hurt. He says what’s happened is not my fault, but I was just as involved in the relationship as he was before that. So now I feel guilty as well as very sad that things had to end this way… Why did he have to sabotage things? Couldn’t we have had a short “proper” affair and then part amicably? This man is unbelievably neurotic and complicated. I know that it would be completely unethical to try and continue now, but I miss him and our messages terribly.
Lisa, when I read your message, however, I realised just how messy and dangerous this could all turn out to be! I was shocked to read what your lover’s wife did to you. In my case, I never wanted him to leave his wife, but I did think we were both in love. But I realise now that even an “email affair” like ours can have consequences for everybody. You are right that these relationships are based on illusions, lust and chemistry, and can’t lead to anything positive. I’m also trying to let go and free myself of my addiction, but it’s really hard… And I know that I’m in danger of caving in again if he writes to me one day. But I’ll try to stay strong this time and hold onto my dignity… I don’t know what emotional issues this man has exactly, but he has had years of therapy and still behaves like this… I don’t think he will ever change, but like for you Lisa, it will no doubt take me years to wean myself off him emotionally and get over my addiction. (Incidentally, mine was also a Gemini! Very complex people!)
This is why I will likely never be in a committed relationship again, there is really no such thing as monogamy. I am the other woman among lots of other women, he’s a local celebrity and beautiful. Women throw themselves at him all day. He has a girlfriend and a pack of kids. He told me, “I love you” and I have been trying to recover ever since. Of course, his love is all I have wanted.
It has been one week since I made contact with him and he hasn’t contacted me.
So glad to finally be able to judge a man based on his character as opposed to his good looks, charm and personality. There are some very deceitful people looking to cause as much harm as possible. I will never and I mean never settle for being someone’s OW. We truly get in this life what we believe in our hearts we deserve. Grateful to finally know that I deserve the best and a man that will treat me as such. I let them know off the bat, if you treat me well, you can stay in my life, if you don’t I will drop your azz like a hot rock. I have to look out for me because no one else will. Ladies, we have to wise upi and stop being so afraid to be alone. One was a whole number the last time I checked.
Good Luck.
NML this is an awesome article!!! Much respect to you for being honest & not just blaming the married man. I’m helping a friend get through some troubled times right now & this article would be great for her. I hear OW call the man a cheater, a liar, etc., but what does that make us as women when we have an affair KNOWING he is married. If you lay with a cheater, liar, etc. then you are the same. If you knowingly rob a store with him, that makes you a thief, too. So when you point the finger at the married man (or even the wife), there are 3 pointing right back at you. When you’re doubled over in pain, double the wife/girlfriend’s pain. You made a concious choice, but the wife/girlfriend didn’t because you didn’t consult her. Taking responsibility for your actions is a bold move. Much respect to you! This shows that you are a great & wonderful woman who just had a weak moment & truly regretful, & I wish there were more women like you in the world….but I know women who are not sorry & refuse to see the pain they cause themselves & the wife/girlfriend.