Far too many of us spend our time trying to blend in, fake it and be perfect. We fear that “being yourself” will lead to rejection. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I tackle the importance of reconciling with the truth of who you are: the real you. I also delve into why pretending to be something we’re not is about self-rejection, and why if the fake version of us is rejected, it’s not the rejection we perceive it to be.
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Some nuggets from the episode:
- Being yourself:- all the things that you would be and do if you weren’t listening to that voice in your head saying “You should do this and you should do that”. Or all the things that you’d be and do if you weren’t so afraid of displeasing others.
- People wrestle with being themselves when it comes to:
1) Being afraid of rejection as part of the day-to-day of life.
2) Recovering from situations where they believe they were rejected. - People who continuously worry about whether they’re going to experience rejection can’t be themselves because they’re always on guard.
- People who struggle to be themselves are often convinced of one of two things when they experience rejection:1) That they were themselves and that they still got rejected anyway. They then believe that being yourself is “wrong”.
2) That they weren’t themselves and they still got rejected anyway, so it must mean that they’re worthless, good for nothing, not “good enough”. - When we blend in and try to be what we think others want, our life doesn’t feel very satisfactory because, well, it’s not our life. It’s based on a fake version of us.
- Some of the questions I ask people who are convinced that they were rejected for being themselves:
- Did you pretend to be something you’re not?
- Was there an aspect of you that you felt too embarrassed to reveal?
- Was there something you were trying to convince them of?
- Did you struggle with boundaries?
- Did you say yes when you really wanted or needed to say no?
- Were you seeking their approval?
- Did thoughts of being rejected grip you even when you were supposed to be enjoying yourself?
- Did you feel like you did as a child?
- Were you afraid of being alone?
- Did you play games or follow ‘rules’?
- Were you trying to be perfect?
- What a lot of us do, whether it’s in business or life is we spend a lot of time trying to hide our secret sauce: the stuff that makes the magic in us, that brings the magic to our relationships, that brings the magic to what we create or the service that we give.
- We can’t be copied. We’re not replaceable. Who is replaceable? The fake version of us.
- When we try to blend in, to be what we think others want of us, we could be anyone.
- When we have a replacement mentality and so obsess about who’s going to replace us, it’s because we came from a place of behaving as if we were replacing someone else. That’s how we move through life: trying to work out what somebody else was about and trying to copy that and uplevel it a bit because we think this will get us what we want.
- When we pretend to be something we’re not, and then we experience rejection, it’s not the real us that got rejected. It’s the fake us.
- Only people who seek to benefit, profit or exploit it, are in interested in you faking it.
- The only reason why we want to blend in or try to be perfect is that we’re still living in the past.
- There are [stories, beliefs] inside of me that I’ve gradually unsubscribed from over the years because they don’t serve who I really am and where I want to go.
- Our negative feelings give us a clue about where we’re telling us untrue stories.
- Friction is the correct consequence of blending in and the perfectionism. This helps us break these habits so that we become more of who we really are.
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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That was such a great episode Natalie. You hit the nail on the head for me. I did kind of know it already, but it is the first time I had ever heard it verbally discussed. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Jennie.
Good discussion Nat. After a childhood where I was taught that I was ugly, undesirable, that I should stay small, insignificant, quiet, fit in, be invisible. I reacted by going the opposite way. Building my intellect, a rural, yet very intellectual lifestyle, putting myself out there, very publicly at times, taking leadership roles, and totally rejecting all things average American “culture”. For me, the ability to live in a way that is in line with my values is paramount; growing my own food, gathering my own food, self reliance, improving my mind rather than being constantly entertained by TV and social media, being highly active, trumps (sorry for that word ??) not being who I am for the sake of getting the hot guy. I’ve been rejected, repeatedly, generally by those society thinks are age or otherwise “appropriate” for me, because I am being and living who I am. I find it sad that the fit, educated, functional men I’d like want someone to live a very average, consumptive, status quo life. No pets or anything you have to be present for, a home and yard that’s minimal maintainance but sterile, watching TV rather than reading, escaping your dull desk life on weekends to ski. Sad. Sadly, many blogs encourage women to act more feminine, dependent, vulnerable, fragile, and helpless than they actually are. Thank you Nat for bucking that trend. Single women have to be strong, independent, look out for ourselves yet much of society condemns us for doing what we need to do. Relationships can and do fail and one must go forward regardless. Have decided to not pursue dating at all when I move to my farm in April; focus on getting the farm running and pummeling this old body into fitness and living in a good, ecological way. As a scientist, been reading a lot of climate change models and my decision seems a good one in a future beset by erratic weather, drought, and concurrent economic hardship, all of which are more important than finding someone.
Thanks No Quay for your thought-provoking response. How exciting that you’re moving to the farm in April. I think that so many people don’t realise that they rely on trying to fit everyone into a box and that they judge those who don’t. Why should you relegate you to a sub par relationship just to appease a bunch of people that don’t matter to you in the grander scheme of things by being in a relationship. It’s as if you’re expected to do this *because* you are a woman of a certain age and so surely you should saddle up to whoever offers. No thanks!
Thanks Nat. This episode was healing. I am in counseling for serious childhood trauma caused by sexual abuse. I recently realized the root of my propensity to hide my true self was connected to this memory.
So finally at 50, I am going through this painful, but healing experience. I now vividly realize how I have allowed the pain to cause me to lie to myself. The result is not being my authentic self had caused me to pick relationships which I subconsciously expect to end in pain.
This episode nicely packaged it in a way that I can wrap my mind around it, without feeling the intense pain of regret. It’s a good tool to remind me of what I am working through as I heal.
Goodness, AnnT. It was emotional reading your comment. You’ve done the absolute best you could to survive something that no child, no *person*, should ever experience. A part of you associated visibility with being attacked. Like who you are caused it. So glad that you’re working through this. Sending you a big squeezy hug.
This podcast has given me a lot to think about in my current job hunt. What you said around the 40 minute mark really resonated too – we’ve got to let go of the idea that we can ‘win’ by getting a horrible person down the aisle or that others have ‘won’ by doing so. The morning after the wedding, they’ll still be horrible, unfortunately!
Hi LT. Thank you. Job hunts bring up a myriad of emotions, too. It feels like a very precarious decision at times because there’s the potential to get distracted from your needs and values, whether it’s settling or being drawn by bells and whistles that don’t necessarily mean that much to you in the grander scheme of things. You will learn a lot about yourself, for sure. Best of luck in the search!