Sometimes we don’t realise what a hard time we give ourselves for just being us and making the decisions that we need to. We expect the tough decisions to give us instant gratification even though we may have taken a long time to make those decisions in the first place and we can fall into the trap of expecting ‘perfect’ choices and decisions with no trade-offs or tricky aspects. We can end up beating ourselves up for the very choice we just made and then start pawing at the proverbial choice window that doesn’t work for us but suddenly appears to represent the grass being greener on the other side.
The trade-offs we’re faced with are the compromises we make with ourselves when we make choices – in choosing one path, we may have to let go of certain things or find different ways to tick our own boxes. Just like when we compromise with someone else, the compromises we make with ourselves shouldn’t leave us feeling that we’re at a loss / being screwed over, otherwise we lose faith in ourselves and possibly rebel and sabotage.
You need to find a solution you can live with and that involves having the willingness and self-esteem to gain enough self-knowledge to understand what your values, needs, expectations etc are in the first place.
Relationships provide invaluable insight into understanding who we are and what we need, especially when they’re unhealthy. Instead of giving you a hard time about leaving a relationship that lacked love, care, trust and respect that you only stayed in because you felt lonely and afraid of starting over, it’s recognising that yes you would like a relationship, no you wouldn’t want to continue being treated that way and that yes, you will find healthier ways to scratch the loneliness itch and understand where your feelings stem from so that you don’t end up accepting crumbs and feeling lonely in the relationship anyway.
Recognising the trade-offs means having the willingness and insight to recognise the benefits that stem from your choices. People complain to me about having boundaries (seriously) as if they’re some pesky pain in the bum cockblocker ruining their lives.
If you’re struggling with understanding your choices and the possible trade-offs that come with them, it’s important to clear away the bullshit and get clear on:
- What you’re choosing.
- Why you’re choosing it (or why you’re choosing not to choose something else).
- What comes with the choice.
If you don’t understand your choice and the genuine benefits of it as opposed to the bullshit benefits, you won’t accept, respect and ultimately live your choice because you’ll be too busy griping about and undermining it. It’s this simple reason why some people find it hard to walk away from a toxic relationship – they haven’t drilled down the theory into relatable reasons as to why it would make a good choice for them to walk away. It’s all very well for instance, to decide to go No Contact (NC) but if your reasons for going NC are whack and you have little clue as to the short, medium and long-term benefits to you and why it’s not a choice that respects you or your needs if you continue, it won’t be long until you’re off the wagon.
It’s also hard for a good choice to seem like a good choice if you don’t think you’re a good choice.
Making good choices for you needs to have some worth behind it but as I’ve discovered from personal experience, you can start to feel like a person of value by making the tough decisions, gritting your teeth, trusting the process and trying to get to know and like you at the same time – not actually as hard as it may sound when you stop fighting you and/or get tired of same old, same old.
The trade-off for not having boundaries is that you don’t get to have a say in your own life because you have a passive response.
The trade-off for being in a relationship is that if you want it to go anywhere, you have to be willing to be a bit vulnerable so that together there is commitment, intimacy, balance, progression etc. Sure you could argue that it’s scary or that you won’t be able to do exactly what you want 24/7, but you’re only going into a relationship, not signing up to be a Siamese twin which means you could find a way to have a mutual relationship and continue to be and do the things that interest you.
Giving you a hard time about your choices can be an attractive prospect because it makes it easy to do something that every decision avoider is very good at – fantasising.
Instead of being proactive, you get to beat you up for not living the fantasy you think that you want because the current choice is now determined to be ‘failure’ or an inadequacy on your part. It’s got nothing to do with your worth as a person and everything to do with the facts of life – we all have to have our priorities and make choices. None of us are exempt.
Your values tell you what your priorities are and if you try to have it all without recognising where some may be competing with or even in direct conflict, you’ll wind up unhappy. It’s up to you to work out your priorities – not everything can be of the same importance or be done at the same time.
I hear from quite a few people who really want to have some time out for themselves and they end up beating themselves up for not being in a relationship – being single isn’t a failure or a shortcoming. Embrace your choice and when you’re ready to try again, do so because it’s what you want to do instead of out of fear/desperation/loneliness/trying to keep up with the Jones’ because that’s how you end up in a shady relationship.
Whatever choice you make, it’s time to recognise that with choices comes responsibility but also comes good feeling from those choices when you’re in the driving seat of your own life. If you spend too much time giving you a hard time about not living the dream (it’s called a dream for a reason…), you don’t get to live your life.
Your thoughts?
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Natalie, I just love BR and you! WOW, another brilliant post and this is exactly how I FEEL and your wise words yet again: “Instead of giving you a hard time about leaving a relationship that lacked love, care, trust and respect that you only stayed in because you felt lonely and afraid of starting over”….YES, I feel lonely and so afraid to start again, I miss familiarity, and every Monday I spent with AC, and I felt like texting him tonight:( gosh, thanks to your post, you stopped me!
Thank you for this post! It’s why I was in my own yo-yo relationship for awhile and delayed my own breakup. A tiny voice in my head wanted out, but I wasn’t really thinking about the why’s of either leaving or staying. In fact, I wasn’t thinking things through at all and acting impulsively. I was also in a position where I wasn’t really loving myself. When I started understanding and accepting myself more and saw the relationship for what it was, I made the decision that my yo-yo relationship was not working out. It doesn’t mean that I’m not going through a grieving process, though, like I previously thought. But it’s a decision I feel confident about and will be sticking with!
Robin: ” A tiny voice in my head wanted out”… that was my self esteem whispering in my ear, gently urging me to listen to her… she is never pushy, she hopes I get the courage up to listen to her and make a small change in the right direction. If I keep making the changes, no matter how small, I will arrive at the place she knows is the place where I am most happy.
It is tough being really on your own . I guess i walked hoping hed miss me . He hasnt and ice had a few disarsters in btween . But im learning to be okay about being on my own . And its better than having crappy crumbs off twats that make you feel worse . But its a choice i made and however hard it was , im no longer lied to , used, or a fall back option . So that far out ways anything eles . Me the only thing i miss is my dog
what about a new pet thats all yours? 🙂
It can be tough being really on your own but at the same time I think it can’t be tougher than being in relationship where I was lied to, cheated on and used. At least I no longer have to compromise and I’m finding a lot of freedom in that.
My heart goes out to you missing your dog.*hugs* It was my two dogs that really kept me going through the worst of my marriage breakup. I’d look at their little faces and find the will to take care of me because I had to take care of them. I don’t think I could ever be without a dog again.
I don’t know your circumstances if you are able to have another dog or other pet but if you can I think it would be a great thing for you and the animal. Especially if you were able to adopt or rescue.That way you’d both have a fresh start together 🙂
Furry.
What you told Tired is spot on. I had suggested that she replace the dog asap. It’s a hard step to take when you’re still grieving the one that died. But it is a very good aid in moving on.
Making choices sometimes is very difficult, especially when we don’t like the choice but have to follow through for peace of mind, maintaining self esteem and the like. When I went NC with the MM, it was definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, one of the hardest CHOICES I have ever made. And yet when I was in it, I was gravely UNHAPPY. The accepting of crumbs was so contrary to anything I had ever known and foreign to my “no nonsense” nature. I had to make the choice to leave. I felt as if I was really going crazy. I did not recognize myself. It was as if another person and taken over my mind, body, and soul. I was asking myself, ” Who are you? What are you doing? How can you allow yourself to be treated this way?” And why? The sex was through the roof! I knew sooner or later I would have to leave because I was trading too much of my core of being, my values, etc,. The sex just did not make up for the damage I was doing to my self esteem of which I didn’t have much to have gotten into the affair in the first place. So I made the choice to “enjoy” it temporarily. After a few months of emotional abuse I began praying to God to give me the strength to leave. I was disgusting my own self and that was a horrible feeling. i just was not “cut out” to continue being the OW. My ability to leave him did not happen overnight because I procrastinated. It wasn’t a huge blow up and then I was gone. No, it was a slowly progressing but undeniable sense of disillusion. When I went NC it was final. The sense of urgency and desperation that I had to have this person in my life had left. I no longer was able to see him in the same way. NC was a huge weight lifted off of me. No more sneaking around, lieing to myself and other people and most lieing to MYSELF. I was FREE. I felt ashamed of how I had behaved but even that I got over quickly because I reminded myself that that the Past was already done and over and could not be changed. But, I was going to have a much better life from then on.
The choice was mine to make. He certainly was not going to do so. I have been supremely happy ever since. Never would I have thought that I would end up with the man I have now. It’s about 10 months now and I still pinch myself to make sure I’m not in a dream world. And, I never knew I could feel so relaxed, self confident, clear thinking and even wise as I am now. He has not made me over, although he does help to bring out the best in me. He truly loves me and I love him just as much. I WAS MAKING THE CHOICE to be happy and content with myself before I even went NC with the MM and I never at any time was doubtful about that choice. I always say that NC, done right, is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Your mind and you heart go through a complete overhaul. Sure, it was disruptive, but I put in the work so that I could remain mentally stable and appreciate my freedom from the stress and ugliness. It was difficult going through it, but the payoff has been huge. And, even if I did not have my boyfriend, I would still be able to manage being alone much better than if i had never gone through that experience. Experience is the best teacher. I know many BR ladies will agree with me and I’m hoping that many more will see the light and make the better choice for themselves.
Tinkerbell – Are you inside my head? LOL! Although my relationship wasn’t with a MM, just your basic run of the mill AC,EUM, etc, I had those exact feelings. The last few months I was with him, I would wake up in the middle of the night and go sit and think to myself, “What are you doing here, get dressed, leave…” Finally on March 14 I did it! I had two contacts with him shortly after that and since then I have been completely and blissfully NC. It truly was difficult those first few weeks, but every day gets easier and I feel so much better about myself.
My difficulty right now is trusting. That is something I am currently working on. I’m glad I have this opportunity to grow and better myself. I’m looking forward to my new life, my new story – it’s all good from here!
OMG Tinkerbell – you sound exactly lime me and what I went through. I too ended it a MM last Dec and though I knew in my head I had to do it my heart wasn’t quite there. I also felt like I was going crazy due to the mindEffing he was doing to me. I din’t know what was up or down and I was suffering from stress, anxiety and depression-all because of this assclown. to make it worse this was Dec and the holidays which is really a depressing time of year for me so i got hit doubly hard. I have never been in such a low place in my life. I had been praying to God too and thank goodness he protected me and got me out of that situation before I had a nervous breakdown. I too was so ashamed of myself and disgusted with my behavior which was so out of character for me. It was as if someone else had taken over my body. I didnt even recognize that person. I also was not cut out to be the “OW”. It goes against all my values and standards. And even to this day it enrages me that this AC duped me into engaging in his adulterous activities. In my book adultery is adultery if you are married. period. And to think for a brief moment I overlooked that consented to continue in these shady escapades. My guilty conscience could’t handle it though. I was feeling physically sick from the guilt.And like you said, my self esteem was in toilet. I hated myself and couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. I din’t even know this person but I knew I did not like them. And I knew I had to change. So I dumped his ass and went NC. Hardest thing I have ever done. For a while I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. I cried many a nite and day. But like you said, I am FREE now. And the past is the past. I have been NC for 5 months and at times it hasn’t been easy. I still think about him from time to time. I still feel ashamed and humiliated at my behavior. I know I can’t change what happened and I can only learn from it. But I have vowed to myself it will not happen again. I guess the hardest thing I am dealing with is that I let the MM use me for sex – that is something that I think means I did not value myself very much and that is something that is very hard for me to come to terms with. Also in the back of my mind I keep picturing him laughing at me for falling for his BS and not calling foul and bragging to his guy friends how he “did”me.
I’m so happy you have found someone who makes you happy. I know it must have been difficult to trust again. I wish you the best.
Tink, thank you for sharing your feelings.. comments like yours keep me going!
Little Star. You’re welcome. I wish you all the best in whatever stage you are experiencing in your relationship. I’ve read your comments many times but I cannot recall the details of
your story. But I DO recall felling sad when I read it.
Nancy O. I know what you mean about trust. When you’ve been emotionally battered it is very difficult. You become hypervigilant, especially if the person seems to be “OK”. When my boyfriend came into my life, I was unable to trust. I was suspicious and even looking for reasons to bale. Bit I was unable to find any. Even now, after 10 months it still seems like a dream in which I don’t want to ever wake up from. Trust is a huge in a relationship. There was none with the MM. Most of the time I did not believe a word that came out of his mouth. In addition to BR, I’ve had therapy. I told my therapist just today that feel as though I’ve come a long, long way. It is definitely possible. I agree with you, “It’s all good from
here”.
Buffalogirl. You have followed the same path as I have. Your story is eerily similar not to even mention your feelings (Identical with mine) about yourself. I never expected things to be so wonderful for me as they are now. FOR THE FIRST TIME in my life I accept myself and like who I am. It’s sad that it has taken me so long and through two marriages, to boot. But at least I made it this far. It’s been much hard work to get here. BR has worked miracles in my life and I’ve learned many lessons that I consider invaluable. I wish you love and happiness in the future. At the very least it is now possible since you’ve kicked him to the curb.
Thank you for sharing Tinkerbell.
Your new relationship sounds good… how nice to be happy and comfortable with a dude, not all the constant drama and chaos and ambiguity…sounds so refreshing.
:).
Thank you, D.D. You hit the nail on the head. Wonderful to be RELAXED, and not having to fear getting “screwed”.
I give myself a hard time for choosing to be blind to those blatant red flags in the beginning and for staying too long giving to many chances even after I realized that the actions are not matching the words. I,m hard on myself for that – I have to work on it. I,m almost 7 months NC with no chance of slipping back – I just want to learn how to cut myself some slack 🙂
Espoir: How come you are so hard on yourself? “I give myself a hard time for CHOOSING to be blind to those blatant red flags in the beginning and for staying too long giving to many chances even after I realized that the actions are not matching the words.” You take responsibility – that is something I would be proud of… it takes courage to admit a mistake. That you see it was an error shows you believe you deserve more… that’s self-esteem! You did your best at the time… what is there to feel upset at yourself about?
Thanks Rachel – yes, you are right. Thanks so much for your kind words.
I just find that 4 years of pushing my gut feelings aside were too much. But looking back I think I did it all my life…time to wake up
ur welcome hun
Natalie,
Well written as always full of great insight. I was watching Oprah new series called Life Lessons last night and the Topic was about identifying and removing Toxic people from your life. All I could think of was, WHY ISN’T NATALIE ON THIS NEW Series. I think OPRAH needs to recruit you. Your work is invaluable and needs to be spread to the masses. I think I’m starting a petition. LOL oh BTW 45 days. 🙂 Long way to go, but feeling better.
Free,
I get what you’re saying, but not being an “O” fan myself (too much self-congratulating and interrupting her guests to get HER thoughts out for my taste), I’m cool if Nat decides to skip it. Unless there’s a big fat check in it for Nat, in which case I’m all for it and I’ll sign! 😉
Actually, I’ve always thought Nat needs a TV show. I agree though, O is a bit big for her britches. I think Nat ought to recruit O. Sorry…off topic…but I’ll relate it…it’s my fantasy for Natalie!
I struggle with this every day even though I know the choice I made was the right one. He was not contributing to the house, even with a full time job. He got nasty and acted clueless when I had him move out because of that and all the drama he unloaded on me daily. When I no longer provided what he wanted, a nice house to live in rent free close to his job, he met someone else and proceeded to tell me about it. The day he got the rest of his stuff he acted like he still wanted to talk and I shouldn’t give him his engagement ring back.
I miss doing the things we liked in common. I miss talking with him when times were good. The sex was even improving, although I still felt like he really didn’t like it. He had flat affect, emotionless, like I could have been anyone. I felt like I wasn’t even there. Or that he pleased me to shut me up.
I have to keep believing I made the right choice. Nat was correct that this was abusive and damaging and I needed to get away from this man. She was right. The day he got his stuff out he hollered at my friends and got in my face, saying who the hell were they. I needed them for moral support.
I saw the red flags but I didn’t want to believe them. Websites about Red flags have this guy all over them. We had a lot in common, but it didn’t matter in the end when basic issues of love, care, trust and respect are not there.
He didn’t respect my house. Wouldn’t contribute even after I supported him through two job losses and an operation.
He never asked me much about my day, or about me. I felt he didn’t really know me. It was all about him. And he blamed everyone for his problems. For a while I thought I was exempt. It was his three ex wives. These bosses. This friend. Constantly complaining. Soon, it felt like he blamed me too.
He was irresponsible with money, things he had to do, taking care of his aged pet. The only thing he made sure of were his doctors appointments. It never seemed he cared about me. I felt taken advantage of, misled, the ole bait and switch. He wasn’t anything like he was the first 8 months I met him.
He hates his mother. I don’t even think he likes women, really. An ex told me: “I told him I do not want him to contact me under any circumstances, for my own sanity and peace of mind.” That said it all.
Yes, I find it hard to walk away from a toxic relationship. This is my second one, a fast forwarder who said he loved me after I knew him 3 weeks. He presented himself with all the attributes I ever wanted in someone. He couldn’t keep up the mask. He wanted to get married quick. I felt the knots and saw the red flags and wanted more time, slow it down. I’m glad I did. Something in me was working. I have to believe in that and have faith my choice was right, even though it means I am alone. Now all I can do is work. It has been the one thing in my life that I could count on going well for me.
Jennifer,
Keep on believing that your choice is right. Anytime you start to doubt yourself, just reread what you wrote about this man. You deserve love, care, trust and respect. Start with yourself first. Best of luck!
Jennifer,
I could have written this, word-for-word:
“I miss doing the things we liked in common. I miss talking with him when times were good. The sex was even improving, although I still felt like he really didn’t like it. He had flat affect, emotionless, like I could have been anyone. I felt like I wasn’t even there. Or that he pleased me to shut me up.”
I am where you are. I ended a marriage to a toxic emotionless person who didn’t seem to truly care about me after 12 years of struggle. There were red flags on the first date!! Did I listen to my inner wisdom voice? NO.
Sure I still think of good times and sometimes wonder if I did the right thing because we have a child, but he had plenty of opportunity to try to get back with me after we split up and he never did. He never asked me to stay. Now he is with someone else and getting married. And btw, he hates women too. Now he’s no longer my problem but the girl he is marrying. I feel bad for her.
I make small strides toward my decision to end it every day. It isn’t easy because I’m alone and he is not. And then, I see a friend struggling in her new marriage with a toxic jerk and I thank my lucky stars I’m single. It’s a constant series of lessons for this girl. Hang in there, Jennifer!
Jennifer:
Like Jule, your experience is eerily similar to mine HAD I stayed. This was the future that I was signing on board with and I knew it but I kept hoping against hope initially. I gave “benefits of the doubt,” I justified, rationalized but in the end, he showed all these behaviors within the first 4 months–how much worse would it have been had I stayed?
We too had a lot in common. But his selfishness, lack of interest in me, disconnected sex, victim mentality (his ex was a ‘psycho’…uh-huh), stinginess and passive aggressive actions kept unfolding in the discovery phase. I discovered who he was and while I was deeply disappointed and sad at the realization, I knew I had to make a decision that I could live with.
I made a choice to leave the relationshit and accept the aftermath. It is very hard to unattach and not go over our decision a thousand times. If we truly care about the other person, have fantasized, see the potential and invest a healthy amount of love, sex, time and money, we don’t want it to have been in vain. We cleave out of hope, desire, or even desperation.
Doing what’s right for you is right, being alone is simply a byproduct. I remind myself that had I stayed for another day, that’s just one more day I wouldn’t have been with someone who had my best interests at heart…one more day of giving and receiving with little in return…one more day of potentially not meeting someone who can treat me with care, respect, compassion and healthy intimacy. One more day adds up if you don’t take in account the days in front of you or your future self.
It got to the point where I wasn’t willing to sacrifice one more day let alone my future by being with someone who wouldn’t enhance my life but detract. I want more for my life than that and I want more from a potential life partner than crumbs.
Our lives are a gift and who we share out lives with says more about how we value ourselves than it does about the person who accepts it with entitlement.
The choices I make today impact my tomorrows. Who I choose to stay with, can effect my future. By staying with someone who is undeserving of my present, I am actually limiting myself.
I have no idea what my future holds. I do know that what you described above would’ve been my future. I see that as counterproductive to success and joy. Being alone means I am in charge of my life and who I want to share my life with and who I don’t. It means being free, it means options and possibility.
It means I can go it alone and be responsible for the good and bad rather than be with someone whose just plain bad for me.
Whenever I reflect over my choices and making a decision, I talk to myself (out loud) as if I were talking to my future self. I ask the older, wiser impression of my self what she would have me do as if talking to a friend. It sounds weird but in those discussions I often find my future self (someone I project strength, confidence, wisdom and success–the someone I am aiming to be in essence) basically telling me that who she is cannot exist if I continue down my current path. She will not exist because I will have sold her short in the now. I like this self I’m trying to reach. I want her to have the life she deserves in a way that I can’t always see for myself in the now. I’m more protective of her than of me sometimes.
Hard to explain but I guess what helps me make life-altering decisions is picturing myself near the end and who I want be and I look at choices and choose the one that I think best reflects that aim and how to get to that place within myself. Oddly enough, the choice actually becomes pretty clear, even if it is still painful.
I’m glad you chose yourself and I think at some point your future self will agree and be thankful too.
WRW, thank you so much for your very helpful input, even it was addressed to Jennifer. I did see red flags in the first six months with both ACs and tried to ignore and hoped one day it would change and they would become loving and caring…it’s never did. I must remember that!
MRWriter, I loved your post. So much of what you have said resonates with me. While I was meditating the other day I had a breakthrough…. I spoke out loud of my gratitude for every person who broke my heart, hurt me etc as they all were lessons I’ve had to learn. I am doing the hard work now so that my future self can live the life she wants and deserves. I feel like I am more well than not and it feels good to know that my choice to leave was absolutely the right one. Just because it was right doesn’t mean it feels good every day doesn’t mean it was the wrong choice in the long run.
*Even though it was right doesn’t mean it feels good every day. That doesn’t mean it was the wrong choice in the long run, however.
WRW. You’ve expressed every word of what I would have said if I were a better writer. Thank you.
“Whenever I reflect over my choices and making a decision, I talk to myself (out loud) as if I were talking to my future self. I ask the older, wiser impression of my self what she would have me do as if talking to a friend. It sounds weird but in those discussions I often find my future self (someone I project strength, confidence, wisdom and success–the someone I am aiming to be in essence) basically telling me that who she is cannot exist if I continue down my current path. She will not exist because I will have sold her short in the now. I like this self I’m trying to reach. I want her to have the life she deserves in a way that I can’t always see for myself in the now. I’m more protective of her than of me sometimes.
Hard to explain but I guess what helps me make life-altering decisions is picturing myself near the end and who I want be and I look at choices and choose the one that I think best reflects that aim and how to get to that place within myself. Oddly enough, the choice actually becomes pretty clear, even if it is still painful.
I’m glad you chose yourself and I think at some point your future self will agree and be thankful too.”
Nice.
WOW! im in tears… need to reread it again, take a break and read it again tomorrow – thank you.
I had to give sex to ex wife so she wouldn’t freak out or cause drama for our son’s prom.
Every time big events come up she freaks out and causes a major sh_t storm of drama.
So the trigger this time was the prom pictures. But in reality she’s upset that our son is grown up and she does not like his GF.
I have to do it again for sons graduation.
Basically her rages are like adult tantrums.
I can see that our son was stressing out as the date was approaching.
Giving her sex calms her down
EUM_R,
It doesn’t sound like you “have” to do anything. You are making a choice to give sex to the ex wife. (And, I am sure this is not an agonizing act that you have to perform) Can you see how this is a choice you are making???
Cant someone else give her sex?! OR maybe buy her vibrator for her Birthday?! (I am serious)…Honestly, you will never move on from her and I am not sure if any woman will accept you having sex with your ex because of her tantrums!
For real, Little Star.
Roberto, no offense, but I’m sure she can get sex from multiple sources, other than yourself, in order to “calm her down.” As a woman, it isn’t exactly difficult to find plenty of guys up for the cause. I wouldn’t worry about her. She’s not your responsibility, she’s her own.
(Sorry if this is a duplicate comment!)
EUM-R, my dad used to do this with my mom: My parents would get into a fight, as usual, and my mom would rage, throwing a tantrum, and then the next thing I knew, I’d hear them humping in their bedroom. Later on, they’d come out of their room, laughing and joking around. Then my mom would wait on him hand and foot, serving him plates of food, like he was some kind of king–all the while he was smiling at the kitchen table–taking pride in his CONTROL over her. It made me sick to my stomach. And of course nothing was ever resolved–not one d*%n problem solved or attended to. And, yep, my dad was out screwing around with other women, and some of them even showed up to the house, and my mom would get into altercations with some…and….
I’ve got a sister who’s promiscuous, one who’s a ‘nun’, and I’ve got a problem with leading with my sex drive.
So, I wonder what you’re teaching your son? Are you teaching him to deal with stress and anxiety, etc., like daddy does? Are you teaching him that if you have a problem, go have sex? I wonder how much he already struggles with solving problems?
I wish my parents had at least TRIED to get their sh*t together, learn something, anything, but they never did, and I don’t respect either one of them.
Good luck to you.
(Sheesh, I can’t believe this crap still makes me angry; I guess I better work through it.)
Digging,
Thats a tough story. Just wanted to stop by and give you a hug.
You will get there, you are doing so much better for you can see all the wrong done.
Thank you PurpleLily. Yes, …so much wrong….
((Hugs)), Digging
“I have to do it again for sons graduation.”
no, you don’t. you having to give your ex wife sex is one of the most ridiculous stories i’ve read on here. it seems like you’re willingly engaging in her circus and putting yourself in a victim role. not sure if this is your comfort zone or you’re actually enjoying this. neither is healthy.
EUM
I had an EU male friend who ran off with his best friend’s wife. He told me he couldn’t trust her because she’d run off with her husband’s best friend. It was almost as if it had nothing to do with him.
This is not just something that is happening to you, you are an active participant.
Roberto, please stop boasting and refer to our comments to you on Nat´s previous post – some tough love, but you seem to need it.
EUM.
How many times are you going to bring up how you have to give your ex wife sex or anyone else for that matter? Do you think you are some prize that everyone is fighting to win. Puleeze! It’s really becoming such a nauseating turn off to read your complaints. The same old song over and over. You just brought this up on the last post. OH poor Roberto. BooHoo, Boo Hoo. Give us a break!!! I personally appreciate a man contributing on this blog, but not the crap you give us.
EUM-R, I thought about your last post and now this one. I think an important question is: Are you having consensual sex? If so, then you have a choice not to have sex. If you are having non-consensual sex, then there may be an issue. Take DiggingDeeper’s comment to heart. If your son is prom age and graduation age, he knows what is going on. Think about what type of male role model you are providing your son. Worse, what advice would you give to your son if he were in your shoes? Unfortunately, the apple doesn’t drop far from the tree as I’ve discovered with my daughter who is now walking several miles in my shoes. I hope you never find yourself in the situation of watching your son follow these footsteps. It’s an eye opener!
Decisions, decisions.
With my friend who I recently had to ‘tell off’ for treating me in a cavalier way due to drinking, it has made me look at my relationship with alcohol. Am I too strict about not boozing on? Am I the only person who thinks it is a problem to binge drink etc etc. The thing is, I value sobriety and I value being able to get up in the morning and do things and I value feeling physically well and happy and healthy. These are the things that are important to me and these are the experiences (as well as many others) I want to share in a relationship.
I don’t need my partner to be a gym junkie specimen of physical perfection – but I do need my partner to value their own body and wellbeing.
It is hard when you meet someone that you have potential with to walk away from that, but my friend has to realize that he can’t have me and be drinking all the time. What he does with that knowledge is up to him.
I completely get this and I respect your thoughts as they are values I have. I don’t see the value or the sense in binge drinking, where’s the feel good factor after? I find it really hard as most friends and acquaintances feel I need to be out of my mind to have a good time and I not like that.
I just want to go out and have a good time minus the having to take care of the rest who are out of the minds drunk.
Thank you Nat. I needed this today. I have been waiting for the Universe to deliver me a pat on the back for making the choice to walk away from the recently divorced EUM. The pat on the back takes the form of letting go of what wasn’t working out in order to make room for something mutual and healthy. I have most certainly been living in “fake” NC mode where I don’t have contact with him but I am holding on the fantasy and busting my own balls for making the right decision. The head knew the right choice but the heart hasn’t caught up. But this is still progress, the old me would have still been comfortably seated at the crumb buffet. Thanks to BR and all of women (and men!) who comment on the blogs, I am learning to call BS quicker and I am moving in the right direction.
Finallygettingdone69, I like your use of the phrase “pat on the back.” I think that sums up how I had been feeling about NC. When I think of that expression and what it means to me. I think that it means when you are outwardly seeking validation. Anyways, that is how I have felt with NC at times. Like I want to say, hey world, hey ex, look at me… “I am no longer putting up with anymore BS, aren’t I great?” NC is tough, sometimes it is a daily struggle to get behind my decision 100%. I feel like I am starting from the ground up with my self-esteem, but it feels good to be making choices for me. When I don’t get fully behind my decisions, I end up feeling pretty lousy. Thanks for another great post Nat!
Melissa: “I feel like I am starting from the ground up with my self-esteem.” Same, Melissa. We are creating self-esteem just by our decision to work on it. We are on a mission. Anything you work hard for, you are unlikely to let go of.
finallygettingit69: “I am holding on the fantasy…the heart hasn’t caught up”. We know our values but we are maybe working on understanding where our feelings come from?
It is tricky. I feel like I fully understand where my feelings are coming from, but it is still difficult to fully give up the fantasy and to trust the process of letting go of someone. I have a really hard time giving up control. And it feels like control. I want to control my own outcome. I don’t like having to feel everything all the time. Just last night, I was on Facebook and in the ticker sidebar, I could see my ex had liked something on his best friend’s page. I forgot that I was still friends with the exes bf. Without even thinking, I am on the friends page, seeing my exes comment, pics, and following tagged people in posts. I feel this hot wave of jealousy and sadness wash over me. I thought I had made so much progress with NC and then in an instant I felt like I was back at day 1. I felt helpless/powerless. It really sucks to feel that way when I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing. I just hate that I am not over it yet. I don’t know what I even want from him. I know the fantasy part wants him in my life in someway as a friend, but I know that in reality the likelihood of us ever being friends is probably pretty low. I can’t get over it if I keep the fantasy alive. I just keep telling myself that I have to trust the process and that will get easier in time and eventually someday seeing something online or whatever won’t stir up so many emotions with me.
Melissa
Hell yeah its tricky, Melissa. “I feel like I fully understand where my feelings are coming from”… good work woman… not sure I do, completely.
“it is still difficult to FULLY give up the fantasy” …either you give it up or not. I don’t YET. Say what is, it’s the truth and when u are honest with urself, ur doing good.
“trust the process of letting go of someone”….Hard as hell… I am so there with you girl.
Control…. an illusion.
“ I don’t like having to feel everything all the time… following tagged people in posts. I feel this hot wave of jealousy and sadness wash over me”.. don’tso it to urself, you know u feel like sh_t when u do that.
“I thought I had made so much progress”…. You have!!!!
“I felt helpless/powerless. It really sucks….”… yep.it sure does but we can do better.
“I don’t know what I even want from him.”… so does that mean he really isn’t ‘all that’?
“I just keep telling myself that I have to trust the process and that will get easier in time” same same, but hard yeah.
Melissa.
“Getting easier” doesn’t just happen. YOU have to make it happen. You’ve said you “have a hard time giving up control”. If that is true, why not use some of that control for the good? Use some of that control not going on Facebook. I’m not saying give it up forever, (although I don’t see what value it adds to anyone’s life), but for now you need to take a break from it in your own best self interests. You see that you are tempted to indirectly check out the ex, so why put yourself in that position to be tempted? I know it is easier said than done. But, you have to do things that will HELP you get over this guy, not keep you back. Try harder. It is so worth it, and I hope you find that out very soon. All the best to you.
Thanks Rachel and Tinkerbell!
I had kind of a breakthrough Yesterday,I vented to a friend for half the day about the ex and the whole FB thing. I didn’t like that I had spent the day that way, but I realized I still had to get more out of my system. I identified, that I didn’t need to be “friends” with the ex’s bf and that it was stressing me out every day to see my ex’s pic or name in the sidebar. He is there because I had neither confirmed or denied his friend request and because we have a mutual friend. I was upset that he hadn’t contacted me, and would he ever? When I admitted, I clearly wasn’t over him yet. I also said if he contacted me I would respond, because I told him to give me at least 2 months NC and that much time has passed. I had a breakthrough moment last night, when I realized that my way of thinking was making me unhappy. And that it is normal in the grieving process to have brief moments where you feel like you are back at day 1.I have to feel those feelings and then cope with it in a productive way. Accepting contact or hoping/fantasizing that he will or won’t is not helping me move on. I have to be committed to riding out the full grieving process. Today I denied his friend request and I am going to unfriend our mutual friend and i am giving up the fantasy. If he contacts and I am not ready then I will not respond even though I told him 2 months. There is no shortcut to feeling better and I can’t be his friend when I am not over it yet/
Well, that is huge, Melissa if you really follow through. What do you need 2 months for? NC is not temporary. If that’s what you’re planning to drag it out in a half-assed manner, neither on or off the horse, that is not NC and you need to find another term. Please don’t devalue what NC really is. And you don’t need to tell him how much time to give you to get over him. Your putting yourself down, girl. YOU, need to be the one in the driver’s seat now. He had his chance and he apparently effed it up or you wouldn’t be where you are now. I’m sorry to be hard or sound impatient, but please don’t give yourself excuses to continue on in Fantasyland. You owe it to yourself to flush him and any other man who cannot give you love, care , trust and respect.
You are right Tinkerbell. This is the first time ever going NC, so I didn’t really know what I needed. Initially he was pushing for friendship and I wanted it too and I knew that I need space. I thought 2 months would be enough time to get over it, but I was wrong. I shouldn’t of put a time frame on NC, but it is okay, I can change my way of thinking and I don’t need his permission to do it. Today I denied the friend request and unfriended his bf. I felt a little sad but mostly good. I am doing things that benefit me now.
GREAT!
“The head knew the right choice but the heart hasn’t caught up”
Biggest battle with me. The head knows but the heart/emotion is wondering whats going on. Sometimes vice versa. I feel like such a looser when this happens. Ive got a post coming up..
Im on the self esteem task too. I thought by 30, Id have gotten to a point where I wasnt working on it…29, nope, still at it.
feel good ur doing it now at ur age Purplelily, I am older!!!
I did give myself a hard time, at first, until I started feeling “the benefit of my choices” a calm life with no drive by, “surprise visits” endless texting and stupid email jokes and youtube videos. I WAS living a fantasy, I don’t miss having a “made up” reltionshit, all in my head. Because that’s pretty much where it lived. I have maintained NC for almost 6 months.
However, the AC showed up at a restaurant someone close to me works in. while he was going in and out for his smoke breaks, leaving his family in the dining room he would ask my friend how I was doing and to say “hi” to me. This friend of mine knew every rotten thing he did to me and an announcement was made in the kitchen. About what a horrible person he is. I don’t know if any of you have seen the movie “Waiting” Let’s just say he ate a floor burger, and other noxious things were done to his meal. I would never have asked for this. But it is in a way “just desserts.” Seems that there were a lot of waitresses there that have been on the receiving end of assclown behavior. When I see them I am going to tell them all about Baggage Reclaim and spread the word. I do feel bad that they did that to him, in a way, but sometimes karma is a bitch.
It might be better to just see red flags/opt out/do the right thing. You can never go wrong doing the right thing. Potentially harming someone by deliberate acts giving them bacterial GI infections could be illegal (Department of Public Health violations)and at best really passive aggressive.
I think this is what servants sometimes do to particularly nasty masters (at least according to some books/movies), and of course it is hard to blame them in some cases. We, on the other hand, aren’t those AC’s servants (unless we buy into this BS that we “need” a man which we should never do), but free women. We can make different choices. We don’t need to resort to such desperate (but often self-destructive) measures.
Yes, Anon. Although I initially agreed, “Just desserts”. That is really going too far.
I remain in agreement that those involved need to be stirred to BR.
Absolutely.
True words, and they apply to any decision, not just the relationship variety. I thankfully stumbled onto this site while grieving the loss of yet another unfulfilling and painful relationship. Surprisingly, the more I read, the more I realize how indecisive I have been all my life and how detrimental my behaviour has been to my happiness.
I’ve come to a place where I can put aside my pride (really just a mask for my low self-esteem) and learn to accept myself, flaws and all. With my journey of self revelation I see now that I never made a decision in the healthy way you describe, Nat.
I have been constantly on the fence, with relationships, friends, even decorating my house. Even when I thought I made the choice to leave a bad situation, I would constantly second guess and ruminate – aka not really having made a decision at all.
Now, I am single and NOT ruminating all that much, but i find myself in this indecisive position with work. I hate my job and have always wanted to start my own practice, yet I resist the constant urge to leave because I excuse my staying in as “I will give it a few more weeks” or “it isn’t that bad” or “I need the money and security because I’m a single mother” – funny how similar these excuses are to those I used to justify not leaving a few choice Mr. Unavailables and one huge ass clown.
I know the choice I have to make and really it comes down to not allowing myself to avoid a situation by hiding behind umpteen excuses, trusting in myself, oh yeah, and not letting fear and laziness get the best of me either. I’m 31 and I don’t want to spend another 20 years basing my life on BS and denial. Wish me luck!
Keep up the great job, Nat! You’ve become my personal motivational guru!
Ok I’m guessing I have to do what I don’t want 2 I really lov this person an Icant get wht I put in to sav my life i always wanted to love someone an get it bak my fairy land i subjected myself to has come to a dead end to this very day im dtill trying to prove to this a_hole im trying at the same time he still living his life comjng i n an out of mines as he pleases dont get it wrong i kno its totaly my fault its been 5 months im still here its time to make som decisions im a good woman not perfect im gorgeous if i could only get som courage to go along wit my beauty i culd be a bad b!t!h but i really want so much betta caus in my hesrt i kno i deserv so much more im closing the door an Walkn away 4 get this i got to go…
By the way miss natalie i payed my phone bill so i could get bak to ur site lol i found it a few months ago i feel blessed to hav foun this site i was so miserable im young having breast screenings im scared im streesd i jus pray alot an i really want everybody to pray 4 me i kno god can bring u out an man will always leav u out whn it gets tough i thought i had somone who had my bak i kno better now anyways i jus wanted to say thanks 4 ur wisdom its helping me understand things better an recognize my f”ups 2
Caterpillar oh you just nailed my own situation right on. I work in a job I defo won’t stay in forever. I want to do stuff I’m passionate about but…there’s always an excuse. It’s a work in progress. I believe I m getting where I should get with the help of this website, Natalie and all the users. This have been best and most fulfilling 5 months of my life in a way. I learned so much about myself and grown up too. I ve realised that walking away from easy option of crumb diet while painful in the beginning had a long term effect. I’m free. I start to make choices based on what is best for me not to please others. And I stopped feeling guilty about making them too. Professionally its still work in progress. I believe though that each day I learn to say no louder and end up making choices right for me more often. Next step – paying off my debts and moving to making a life in Far East a reality one way or another.
Ha, when I first saw this post I thought the illustration was a banana skin. I made a career of avoiding choices and landing flat on my face!
Doing nothing and maintaining the status quo looks like the easy way but it can get you into all kinds of difficult situations (even a marriage) that you then have to dig yourself out of. A lot of relationship advice aimed at women talks about Rules, letting him pursue, him taking the lead. A little male/female interplay is fine but don’t abdicate all responsibility. Good men don’t want that anyway.
Thanks so much Natalie. I was awake all night ruminating over a really difficult decision I have to make. My brother is having marital problems and I know for a fact that our narc mother is a big factor in them, as she enjoys the drama and has been stirring it with my lovely but clueless sister in law. I just don’t know whether to tell him or not. I need to think it through carefully and think about the reality of the possible outcomes, not the fantasy.
I am not good with decisions, probably because of my low self esteem, and it was this second guessing myself that made me stay with the ex for too long. I don’t regret it now though as I know that I gave him every chance and it really would never have worked out. I do believe though that without BR I would probably still be there as his little doormat, with the crumbs dropping on me.
Tabitha: Unfortunately, keeping a narc in your life is always at your own risk, even if it happens to be family. Personally, I have been able to achieve something like peace of mind only after cutting off my narc mother as well as all her enablers in my family.
Anyway, I think if you KNOW what your mother is doing to your brother’s marriage and keep quiet about it anyway then you are enabling HER. Those people are destructive. Don’t become their accomplice. Unfortunately, they count on that, but that does not mean you have to obey.
Hi,
This post was great. I am interested in the idea that the ‘right choice doesn’t always feel good’ – I have been on and off with my ex for years and I have finally reached the point where I have had to go NC completely – I have deactivated my fb account which was the last avenue into his life – I thought it would feel more empowering I must say but I am sticking with the decision and hoping that in time I will see the benefits!
Hey there. I just realized yesterday that the guy I was messing with or thought that we were friends with casual benefits, meant me harm from the beginning after reading an older post on here at https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-youve-got-non-speak-like-it-is-what-it-is-youve-got-an-ambiguous-relationship-that-you-need-to-flush/. There were no good times as there was always an agenda. Friends don’t do what he did or say the things that he’s said. You do not know how freeing that has been for me. Another layer lifted off my eyes and there were A LOT. After reading this current post, it’s helped me to recognize that my decisions have value and that I can’t allow other’s opinions dictate my life. Always considered the strong one, I have to recognize my insecurities and weaknesses in order to not be taken advantage of again and take action and allow my voice to be heard. I wish I had listened to my gut. The dogs even knew something was up as soon as he walked in the door the first time. At any rate, I’ve learned my lesson. Now, I need to determine the best way to move on. I love my gym and was a member there before he got there. I’ve cancelled my PT with him but I’ll still see him. I have friends there that I like being around especially bootcamp. My health is important but I also recognize my mental health has a place as well and it may be best not to subject myself to his narcissist sensibilities when he’s not on his best behavior. After our last blow up he’s been on his Ps & Qs. But as soon as I turn around, there’s yet another reason to be angry with him (disrespect of my money, time, etc. Hence cancellation after all this time. Thought it possible to seperate business from pleasure but both have to be capable)). I’m just done.
Oh Natalie this is a brilliant, on the mark post as usual. I’ve been thinking lately that whilst it was the ex’s choice to end the relationship, it was my choice to accept his choice to end it. And you’re right, after almost six months NC, I’m so glad that I now can see that my choice in accepting the end ( whilst it came as an almighty unpleasant shock) has made me really think about what I accept for me. At the beginning I definitely felt that the grass was greener with him (EUM), but now after time and lots of space, I know that I deserve so much more than someone who doesn’t make me a priority. So whilst he ended it, I chose to accept this and in doing so chose to prioritise ME. I don’t often comment but am a major lurker on BR and have learnt so much from Natalie and everyone’s comments. thanks everyone.
So she finally unfolded… or I finally believe my eyes and instincts. Anyone who feels the need to breed insecurity in you to make themselves look n feel btr is NOT worth it! So glad I took it slow and didn’t go all in from jump; I’d be a mess right now if I had.
I choose me, end of. I’m not mad… It’s actually kind of funny. She thought I was worth less…. (She must not know bout me) I KNOW better. I don’t have to live in her fantasy world or by its rules… Imagine that? Better yet, I’ll live it.
Nat, this site is sooo refreshing. As lonely as it can be sometimes, it is also good to have toxic people out of your life. Except for my ex husband, who I do truly miss, once I walk away from a person, they are gone for good. I am also getting better at avoiding problem children in the first place, avoiding emotionally investing at all too soon. So many other sites out there tell us we’re too old to be “picky”, to settle, to be “soft” (read doormat), to basically negate ourselves in the interest of finding a man, any man. We do deserve soooo much better.
Another bull’s eye. I’ve actually been using the ‘banana skin’ illustration to diagram what actually happened in the relationship and what would have happened if I had stayed. It helped me see what a road-to-nowhere I was on.
Thanks to this post, I am looking at NC as a process, not just one big Magic Wand moment where I feel powerful and free, which is what I thought before. It’s an important space that allows me to process all the ways in which I suspended my values and beliefs. So many good times, so much laughter—-but so little trust, care and respect. He was not the man I thought. I was not the woman he thought. I was not the woman I want to be.
Swissmiss.
I agree that NC is a process. However, it is not the same as breaking up. It’s not temporary. The break is FINAL. Otherwise, once you go back for more of the same, you’ve just gotten fed up and took a break. Big difference.
I need words of encouragement as I choose the path of MOST RESISTANCE in my life.
This article couldn’t have come at a better time. As I agonize over whether or not I am making the right decision, giving up on love, not trying hard enough, etc. I had dated my ex for 6 YEARS! Settling for crumbs. Not feeling appreciated. Feeling as though I was never first on his list. Only to start the process of finding myself and finding my voice. As I started to form boundaries with him, he freaked out, told me he wasn’t ready to take the next step, and broke up with me OVER THE PHONE. YES, you heard right. He told me that he wasn’t ready to take the next step and fully commit. He might needs 6 months or 5 years. Well, I cried and vowed to never go down that road again. NEW LIFE. Then, of course, he was back, a mere month later.So, now it is 6 months later of me not being with him. Healing myself. Working on myself. And building up my self worth to not live out the love that i received (or hardly received) during my childhood. AND he guilts me every second he can. “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I ONLY WANT YOU. I MISS YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING. YOU’RE THE ONE FOR ME.” Sounds me into an emotional tizzy. I need words of encouragement as I move forward. I need to believe I am worth something more. And that I will find love again. And that it won’t only be crumbs. It will be the whole damn cake and then some.
THANK YOU. xoxo. Good luck to all of you on this journey. I believe in you. And I am trying to believe in MYSELF.
My Dear Path. Are you sure you still want to think of this person as belonging to you? You refer to him as “My Ex”. Start mentally disconnecting yourself from him as well as physically disconnecting. You’ll be much further along in breaking free if that’s what you want, and stand a much better chance of finding true love. Keep reading this blog. You’ll naturally get stronger.
As I struggle I am repeating the “your energy goes where your thoughts go” and I am working on managing my thoughts better. I am worth it, worthy, valuable, lovable etc. And so are all of you! 🙂
I’ve been reading BR for over a year now. Out of everything I’ve learned here the most important thing has been growing the guts to make choices.
I somehow didn’t realize how important making choices and changes was. I was a drifter/fantisizer/escapist. I didn’t realize that (as Natalie says) by not making a decision you are making a decision.
I have made more changes in my life over the past 3 months than I had in years.
Even if some of these changes may not be the very best ones, (but so far most have been), I think it is very important to engage in making choices/changes every day. Keep the change muscles flexible and strong just like your body, so that you get used to directing your own life, and when the bigger scarier changes come along, you have some “core” change muscles to facilitate the motion.
I haven’t been in a relationship since I started reading BR. I have made some decisions to avoid a few opportunities. There have been a few times when I’ve said to myself, “oh, should have given so and so a go”, but I’m going to just stand back and give myself a pat on the back for making a decision. And that feels great.
I’ve also made the decision to say yes to every opportunity (except sleezy ones!) that comes my way. I’m doing more different things than I had in years, and it’s all good.
Pink,
That was a lovely post – so great to hear about all the things you are doing and the positive thoughts and decisions! Keep us posted and good luck, many more amazing things are on the way 🙂
Thanks PL,
The thing is, this site helps you change you WHOLE life. Once you get past the really painful stuff so many of us have been through/are going through, the advise that Natalie and BR. posters give just add all kinds of positive benefits.
Sometimes I”m still confused, and make mistakes, but now I’m putting myself on the line, making myself accountable for my decisions or lack there of. I’m no longer just blowing in the wind.
I think its great you are about making yourself accountable for your decisions – its so easy to stay away from the decision making process entirely (which I have done and seem to do a lot). Its great to hear about your progress and it is inspiring 🙂
I am struggling with this right now, as I try to let go of one of those “male best friend” situations Nat has mentioned before. I have gone back and forth in my mind for months over this and still: not a day goes by where I don’t second-guess myself and deny my feelings.
We were platonic friends for two years. But out of the blue he started with the declarations of how much he cared for me and my friendship and needed me, yada yada, just as I was about to go on a trip to Europe last year. He was unusually intense and serious. I was so taken by surprise by his change of tone that at first I did not take him seriously. I was mystified and, yes, also flattered. I didn’t know where all that came from: he has a girlfriend (of which I knew all along – so I never saw anything other than a friend in him), I always thought he loved her very much, and we never had a FWB-type of relationship. But all of a sudden he was installing this sexual tension between us, he even went so far as to tell me to my face he wanted to have sex with me and that the only thing that stopped him was that he was afraid to ruin our friendship. I should have been firm and rejected this kind of talk. Instead, I resisted him the best I could, which was not enough eventually. It is an awful place to be put in, to have to resist a friend for whom you care very much and with whom you have a friendship that you value so much. I was deluded enough to be afraid that resisting would ruin the friendship more than giving in. Also, I naively believed that his declarations of deep feelings were genuine. Actually, I have no idea to this day whether he was being genuine or just using those declarations as the sure way to having sex with me. I knew he was not going to leave the GF for me; he never even hinted at it and I honestly never expected it. But in the end he got what he wanted and we had sex once. After the deed was done he was keen to know whether I thought we could continue our friendship. I said I thought so. And I honestly did.
I am not proud of myself: I overstepped my own boundaries (I had never had so much as a FLIRT with anyone attached before – something I told him about during an unrelated conversation a few weeks before his bout of feelings towards me). I wanted to let this go and keep the friendship, but that proved to be quite difficult in the months following. First he freaked out because he believed he had got me pregnant (we used protection!). Then, after he was reassured, he proceeded to tell me he loved me so much and then… faded out of my life. He showed up a couple of times and contacted me sporadically, flip flapping between being overly sweet or unusually tight-lipped. I tried to take it upon myself to contact him, but his reponse was so unenthusiastic that I could not help but feel I was putting pressure on him, which was not at all my intention. So I left it at that, although I am left wondering why he’s disappeared without the slightest attempt at an explanation. I thought he could speak with me and that being so bold as to tell me he wanted to sleep with me he could also easily tell me whether he wanted to put some distance or whatever. I keep replaying things in my mind to see where I failed him, but I try to catch myself, as I don’t have the power to influence his behaviour (as Nat has pointed out many times in her posts!).
Since I am having such a hard time trying to make out his behavior, I decided to let go and mourn the friendship. It is hurting like CRAZY, but I don’t know what else I could do. And my head hurts almost as much as my heart from the second-guessing myself and doubting my behaviour toward him. It is awful to be faced with someone you thought you could trust, that suddenly goes all intense and then disappears just as quickly. It completely messes with your mind (and your heart!). But I need to believe in myself and stick to my choice.
Thank you Nat and all the commenters – I read this blog regularly and it is helping immensely in getting through this heartache. Blessings to you all! 🙂
Ciembi, thanks for sharing your story. I was in a similar situation, except I didn’t have sex with him, and I’m the one who left his life. But, we still crossed the line, and I busted my own boundaries. (And, I only knew him for seven months.)
I feel much better after about 40 some days of NC. It feels good to get away from him, out from under my raging hormones,…get my head together, gain some perspective, and get myself back on track.
I’m sticking to my CHOICE as well, and I’m good.
Good Luck To You.
(Thanks again Tinkerbell for setting me straight.)
Digging, congratulations on a wise choice and on sticking with it! I wish I had had your strength when I had the chance to prevent the whole mess. Although, as you certainly know by now, even if it hadn’t come to sex, the friendship would have been ruined all the same. Once someone who you know as your friend starts making advances or seriously flirting with you and you have to resist him, the friendship is as good as dead (unless both parties are ok with it, but it evidently wasn’t either your or my case, as our boundaries were crossed).
Keep it up, take care and the best of luck to you, too!
Hi Ciembi,
my thoughts, “the only thing that stopped him was he was afraid to ruin our friendship”. My thoughts go to the girlfriend you never expected him to leave. He might not leave her. He may marry her. He is a probable cheater, and you the OW. Not fun for either one of you.
You are processing your transgression and “hurting like crazy”. I suspect because you felt romantic feelings beyond platonic friendship. And he realized ok, now I know what it’s like to make love with her, scratched that itch. Now, new dynamic, can’t really be friends with sexual intimacy, pull back because gf
is my emotional go to.
When I was going to college I lived in a house with roommates for 6-7 years. Those were the years I was madly and passionately in love with the mathclown. One of my roommates was a wonderful male friend. For years he witnessed the whole Massclown thing. After mathclown hurt I confided in him. Truly loved him as a friend.
After terminating with mathclown he saw my new boyfriends, and eventually, because we wanted to know what it was like to make love with a friend we did. Like you Once. He came to my wedding. My husband really liked him too. He visited us, and then no more contact. Not out of negative feelings, to this day I think fondly of him. But you can not, I believe, as a woman, have sexual intimacy with a friend. The friendship enters another realm. Men on the other hand may very well have sexual intimacy with wives, exwives (see other posts here), girlfriends, nongirlfriends, and strangers. It’s different. I think your friendship is over. Lesson learned for you.( and me)
Thanks for your comment, SimplePleasures!
You know, my thoughts when he expressed he didn’t want to ruin our friendship also went to the GF. I was frankly amazed that he would not even mention her or at least consider that he would be cheating on her. He only ever worried about our friendship and how important and valuable it was for him, etc. But despite his protestations, he went ahead and didn’t stop until he had me where he wanted me. But of course I know I gave him that power and that was a mistake. His disappearing really hurt because I actually bought the whole “friendship-is-so-important” speech – it feels like rejection, although I know it’s probably that he got what he wanted and has his GF for emotional backup.
It is amazing to me now to see how aware I was of what was going on, how not ok I was with it and still I didn’t stop it. I guess I just didn’t know what to do with all my insight and I also thought I might be judging the situations too harshly. It seems my self-esteem took a leave of absence at the time… But as you said: lesson learned!
BTW, the “mathclown”? Hilarious!!! 😀
Strangely enough, I once lost a friend when I said NO to having sex with him. He didnt understand why even after 2 years of him standing around and being friends with me, why I didnt give into him. I honestly told him that I valued him as a friend but I didnt see more happening (he was a lovely guy but I had all kinds of weird gut feelings about him), Im sorry he has waited.
That was the last I heard from him. Broke my heart that the friendships didnt matter and worse, there perhaps never was one.
Ciembi,
Can you really trust a cheater? It doesn’t sound like it. Instead of focusing on his actions (why he did what he did), you should focus on your own. Why did you sleep with a man that is in a relationship with someone else. Cheating is the opposite of being trustworthy. If a friend of mine asked me for sex and he was in a relationship, that alone would probably be a friendship deal breaker. This guy is busting boundaries left and right. I am sorry you lost your friend, but honestly he doesn’t sound like a friend worth having.
Melissa,
You’re right, you can’t trust a cheater. I knew it then, I know that for sure now. I’ve always stayed away from attached men, I never wanted that kind of drama in my life. Until he came along. Granted, I never had any of my male friends try to sleep with me, so his actions took me by surprise and I didn’t exactly know how to react. That is to say: deep down I KNEW that his coming on to me like that meant the end of the friendship, because it is indeed a dealbreaker for me; but I was so afraid to actually acknowledge that it was the end, it hurt so much to face the truth, that I (very irrationally!) thought I could save the situation by giving in “just this once” and then all would be well and back to “normal”. I was BSing myself big time. As I said, I am not proud and I know I did not act in my best interests, so that is what I am trying to do now, by choosing to stay far away from his “friendship”.
By the way, thanks for your comment, it summarizes what I have to focus on from now on. I’ll copy and read it when I feel sad – he was not to be trusted!
Good article. I am SO guilty of making the choice to stay with the AC, but in the meantime gripe to anyone that will listen about how awful he is. I struggle, struggle, struggle with my choices when it comes to him. What is it that I expect from him? How do I separate fun things that we do, with manipulative and humiliating things that he does? How do I get over my fear of being alone? Etc., etc. I know in my heart that I deserve better. But the choice of letting go is like the saint versus the devil. Unfortunately, the devil seems to always be on my shoulder egging me on.
@2fearce
Great outlook. I’m living proof that if you go in to deep and disregard the red flags you’ll be a mess sorting things out on your own. I hope to have your positive response about moving on soon. I was great yesterday. And today a bomb hit me out of the blue. I’m trying to identify the trigger but I’m drawing blanks. But today its all hitting me a pure and fresh as day 1. Hmmm
@revolution
LOL! Yes. I’m not an O or Dr.P fan for that exact reason. It’s almost like a tease on the topic for an hour. I was trying to be humorous 😉 at times the sound bites are meaningful. No denying O’s loyal following. Could you imagine Nat on her show? The new worldly lingo would be AC/EU/FLUSH/THEY ARE NOT THAT SPECIAL.
And a big fat paycheck to say the least. For now I’ll just keep spreading the word the good old fashion way. 🙂
Natalie,
Thank you so much for another inspiring, truthful post. As someone who struggles with making decisions, I have to remind myself that I need to do what’s best for me regardless of how anyone feels about it.
On another note, I love the watercolor artwork you’ve been posting! It sets your blog apart from others. Brilliant!
@ free2bc
That comment came after I processed what she was doing. I was confused and insecure for a cpl weeks… It stung … I found myself asking really?? Is she right??… but then I realized I only did that when I interacted w her n I remembered that she doesn’t get to define me for me. And my friends think she’s cuckoo too. The latter helped quite a lot.
Buck up. It’s not fast coming or easy to wait for but as I was told in another country (when I repeatedly checked my watch and asked what time the bus was supposed to arrive)… “It’ll come”
Just like morning mysteriously shows up after night… It’ll come.
Thank you for doing so much good to me, it’s as if you knew at what time to talk about what 🙂
@2fearce
Thanks for the reply. I hear you. My situation is not any more unique than anyone here. EU don’t change. They have a singular agenda and we will never know what it really is. What they all have in common is the red flags we miss. But I’m realizing everyday that this is more about me regardless if I didn’t see the red flags because I was healing from my illness. She wanted to fix her reputation from the first go at it with me and what better way than to say shed be here by my side while I healed. That she couldn’t wait till I got better so we can have a more normal relationship. Well Im better. And as soon as I said so. She was out the door and found every single excuse in the book and trick to work herself out of the “commitment” not before saying I deserve better and I’ll be better off. All via text. MAN has this scenerio been played over and over. I over trusted and over committed and boy did I give and help. What a F’n sucker I was. I’ll heal. I’ll learn and the price I paid for this relationship I know think of it as commission.
I think this post was written for me based on the confusion in my head this week. I hoping you guys can get me to see thing right..or hit me with a brick. Or bricks. Hugs are welcome too.
Ive always been a Dreamer, a fantasy queen. I think it was my only way to escape and build a safer home away from the violence at home as a child. Now, post-intro to BR, I am trying to curb my dreaming and stick to reality, nip any floaty thoughts in the bud. But this week, Ive been super stuck and intellectually I know what Im doing is madness but I still cant seem to find peace, a spot where I am comfortable.
Ive been NC for 10 months and doing really well (exercise, eating well, new job, travel plans, new friends). While I was overseas 1 month ago, I reached a point of clarity where I felt like I was ready to get back to the dating world and perhaps online dating. I however told myself to be cautious because two of my best friends would be gone (moved overseas permanently) when I got home – I didn’t want to enter dating feeling lonely or missing the company of the lovely girls who have been everything to me the past 6 years.
Strangely, the same day I had these thoughts, I ended up meeting a man on the train who was interesting and kind and we had a few hours of pashing (snogging to the non-Aussies/Kiwis), with me giving him my email address and “Id love it if you kept in touch”. Over the next few days, I quickly realized that Im not good at this whole thing – Im too emotional to just pash and not care or wish to see them again. I did write on BR about this and re-read the Dreamer and this reaffirmed that I cant make a long-distance gig work, its too messy and it wouldn’t work for me.
I came home to see that he had emailed me (thrilled!) and we have had a couple of emails in the month that I have been back. I have been honest and genuine and told him that Id love to see him when I am there next year (and he said he would too) and that Id love to know more about him as from what little I know of him, he seems lovely and sweet (he said he was flattered that Id want to know more). I haven’t overshared but been genuinely curious, friendly and caring. Slow baby steps. Until I move there next year (a plan Ive had for years), baby steps will do fine.
But somewhere in the past week, things have gotten very, very full-on in my head. Im beginning to wish for more, hope for more and seem to be losing my grips on reality and what really works for me. I wait for his emails (and honestly, I cant expect him to reply just because Im wait for it) and have fantasized what it will be like with him and what it will feel like without him. What if he gets bored of me..or he likes someone else… I mean, come onnnn, he could be a narcissistic moron or a abuser..he could be anything!!
Whhhhaaaat is going on PurpleLily??! Where is all this rush of emotions and thoughts and fantasies coming from?! Im happy to be in the ‘curious/liking’ stage and learn more about him, don’t want to get too worked up about it (says my intellectual side) but the emotional side is doing all kinds of crazy shit.
I really need to SLOW.THE .ROLL. DOWN. Is it because Im lonely and missing friends? Im really exhausted and Ive had a sleepless night with these thoughts. Im really trying hard to control my thoughts ..but I seem to be failing. Worse, its making me feel like my progress over the past 10 months is just mud.
Any thoughts? Solutions?
Flying Bricks?
PL:
Where are you in your cycle? (Well, you don’t have to tell me! Just track it for your own purposes).
Sometimes I find that my hormones really do have an impact on the ‘dreamy’ bit in my brain and can send it in to overdrive…
That could be very true. Ive been all over the place hormonally and this could be something new. I do have moody weeks but I didn’t think I was in the uber hormonal phase of the month. I do feel much better today, don’t feel as clouded or fuzzy. Im generally an anxious person (childhood stuff) and I try to take extra care to ensure I keep life simple.
I must confess, I havent always gotten it right and tend to struggle with decisions like this. Just a c*ap week with too much emotions and drama – thankfully its all within my head.
Hey PL,
I just read this post. Yeah, reality check here…
Please don’t lose any more sleep over this long distance guy. As Nataie points out ong distance relationships are in the fantasy zone. It’s so easy to waste a year or two on this kind of thing, all for what an email?
I know I did it, had a LD that lasted two years, took me an extra year to get over, so all in all 3 years for a few emails, fantasy romance, dirty pix, a week of real life sex, vague promises, expensive travel, waiting around, bla bla bla.
You had a nice interlude on a train, very romantic, but I do think you should leave it be just that, one of those magical days we all live for, but that only last that one day.
Live your life now, the one that’s in front of you. Make some new friends, enjoy the city you live in, and be good to yourself.
I’d cut off contact now and go get some sleep,
best to you!
Thanks Pink. Im sorry you had to deal with the LD that went downhill. That would have been so stressful + expensive with the travelling + all kinds of anxiety with the distance involved. Im definitely not even going to try to create anything bigger out of this, Im not someone who has the emotional capability to deal with LD and it would absolutely mess with my mind.
But at the same time, being very honest, Im not ready to close the chapter on this yet. It comes back to making decisions I suppose, Im usually got with sticking to it when I make one but Im not ready to let this go as yet. I know it was one evening and perhaps doesn’t mean much to him (don’t know him to say either way) and wont be something I cry over if doesn’t go far. But right now, I just want to see if this thing can unfold into something good. I will, however, slow down (BIG time) and start to enjoy my life here and what I have a lot more (rather than wait for one damn email after another).
Thank you so much for your kind words and support 🙂 Ive made notes in my head and if it ever starts to get too much and starts to unfold ugly, I will be out of there in a spit second.
PL:
You won´t like this but it sounds a bit insulting if a guy tells you he´s “flattered” by your interest after you´ve been pashing or snogging with him (not sure what that means but I can imagine). “Flattered” is something you´d say when you´re completely surprised by someone´s positive reaction – when you DIDN´T EXPECT IT. So, he probably never considered the possibility of embarking on a LD relationship with you. Which means you are investing way more in this than he, and that isn´t very pleasant, is it?
Think about it, when would you tell a guy you´re “flattered”? If you´re really interested in him, you would use some other wording, like “happy” or “me too”. Please keep this as a nice memory, as the others say, and move on. You deserve someone who shows more interest than that.
Lilia,
No, thank you for sharing your opinion with me. I do understand where you are coming from. And in all honesty, I dont want a LD relationship from him. It just wouldnt work and it would be just too much ambiguity.
I guess I want to know more about him because he seems like a nice person and I thought there is no harm is getting to know someone? Wouldnt it be ok if he wanted to get to know me too? (and its just getting to know, not making it into anything else).
I dont know him at all and I wouldnt even know why he would be flattered or how he reacts to things. I only thought it was kind and..maybe cute.
Thank you Lilia – I truly appreciate your response. Much to learn!
PL
This is the very thing that is problematic about fantasy/LD/online relationships. You aren’t getting to know them at all. You are building up a fantasy. What is he like when he’s angry? Does he wash his hands before he eats? Does he wash them 100 times?
I would also take that remark about being flattered not too well. It means “thanks for stroking my ego…but I am not really thinking about you too much”. Without being sexist, I don’t think men are so prone to get overexcited or emotionally involved in “brief encounters”
I would suggest for your own sanity you tell him that when/if you move to his town youll get in touch and maybe grab a coffee – until then you’re too busy for penpals, or some other polite excuse.
This week I put into action my plan/choice to end the fake ‘friendship’ I’ve had with my ex since he left me six months ago. When I found out about his cheating and lying I made an informed choice to tolerate some contact with him in the interests of ensuring some financial security for my dogs and I. I finally got the last of my settlement money so I sent a closeout email and completely sever ties/contact between us.
It was both an easy and hard choice as continuing to take the financial assistance he was providing would have given us a bit more security but I just couldn’t amile and nod at his lies anymore and it’s time to take responsibility for myself and trust myself and stand on my own two feet.
Goodness knows I always had to be in charge of the finances and go without anyway after he got us into crushing debt. Now at least if I have to go without it will be my choice and for myself not for a lying cheat. And I really do feel so much more relaxed knowing I won’t be dealing with texts and phonecalls and contact with him every single damn day.
This is a timely post as I daresay there will be times ahead where I might question my decision and feel I should have put up with the contact for the money for a month or two or three more. It is scary thinking that now I really am !00% responsible for myself and my dogs but Nat is right where she says there is also a “good feeling from those choices when you’re in the driving seat of your own life”.
My next tough choice is whether to send the poor woman he is involved with now the evidence of his last six months of effectively cheating on her with me. I know it would cause her pain but I still believe she should have all the information.and then it’s up to her what choice she makes.
Congratulations Furry White Dogs on making the choice to go it on your own (with your dogs) financially and cut this guy out of your life.
The choice of what to do regarding the other woman he is seeing is an individual one and folks here on BR have lots of different opinions. I’m in the camp of cutting ties and moving on. “Telling” the other woman is a form of maintaining the ties and escalating the drama. AC/EUM’s have a way of revealing themselves, so she’ll figure it out and dump him or stay stuck. Either way, it’s none of your business. Keep the focus on you rather than him or her.
PS. I was the OW and wanted to “tell” the wife. I didn’t thanks to Nat and BR. The wife found out through her own means and they are still married. It’s not my business. Good luck to you and your furry white dogs.
Thanks for the grats Runnergirl 🙂
It’s only a couple of days and his actions are still taking up more of my time and thoughts than they are worth but I’m feeling some shift to myself and my future.
Regarding telling the other woman I recognise that there are issues and considerations with either choice I make. Which is why I’m thinking about it very carefully and I do value your insights.
I do agree that if I do choose to send the information there is the potential to maintain the ties and cause drama which is not in my own best interests of moving on. With that in mind if I send, and it is still an if, it would be best to do it in a way that prevents further contact and drama so I can stay focused on me.
FWD, I don’t think there is a way to minimize the drama or prevent further contact if you make the choice to send. Making the choice to send is making the choice to open the door to further contact and maximize the drama.
Give those furry white dogs and yourself a big hug.
This never ends when you finally get your own worth. I just finished a relationship with a guy who really is a good guy in most aspects of his life. He is successful and well-liked, modest despite being brilliant at his job. My friends loved him. I still like him as a friend. He is wealthy and generous and kind. So what’s the problem? I had love, care and trust and for the most part, respect. But he didn’t have the respect for my career and professional knowledge which I know I deserve and my attempts to explain this were unsuccessful. He is still somewhat bitter about his ex-wife and I realised that this makes him not quite ready for a relationship. I gave up a potential life of total financial security and a comfortable retirement, but I will never again give up my self- worth.
Raven, I can relate! When we are doing something that takes just as much smarts and energy as another profession, but doesn’t deliver the same prestige, it takes *support* to continue to give those smarts and energy in the face of dudes like your ex who don’t take other people’s jobs as choices and don’t respect that.
My exAC, a bigshot banker, laughed the day I got my PhD prospectus approved: “I guess that means they think you’re smart,” he said. That’s what I would have had to deal with if I’d accepted the comfortable future he was offering.
I agree, no amount money is worth having our souls destroyed! On the other hand, quite a few women who marry a wealthy AC seem to find themselves financally devasted anyway because…
… the guy “forgot” to mention his high level of debt
… the guy borrowed all his wife’s savings for some kind of “promising” enterprise
… the guy made her give up her career and/or her studies and then left her for another woman
… the guy alienated her from all her friends/family or other support network
… the guy made her move all across the country or abroad to a place where she had nobody to support her and/or was unable to make a living by herself
I think this is quite common. Do you really believe those super-selfish ACs would VOLUNTARILY part with their beloved $$$? Sounds quite ridiculous, no?
I know i made the right choice , though somtimes its a hurtful and hard one to make . But you have to . There not changing in their treatment and it never will . My friend has a narssistic ac thats banging on her door declaring love and saying he choose wrong and wants her . Shes gone from despair to joy . I have gave up long . And am just there when he treats her bad .me im just soo frustrated that i feel that im not moving on quick enough . I know ac has forgotten me so why cant i feel the same and being honest here because id like to know if any of you girls have dealt with it . Why am i a little envious her ac ( even tho hes horrible ) that hes banging on her door ? Why would i want that ?
Hi guys,
I find online dating sites totally bewildering sometimes – why do guys ask you for more pics – I have 2 pics up and have been chatting to a guy for a week or so, he has indicated that he wants to meet up and has seemed perfectly pleasant up to this point but then I get a random message saying ‘oh do you have anymore pics’ – granted he hasn’t asked for anything dodgy but it has kinda annoyed me
marie83,
I don’t know why guys do the things they do, online or IRL. You have a choice whether to respond and whether to send more pics. I’d cut this guy off. If you are annoyed now listen to your gut.
Also, I’ve been doing the online thing. I’ll exchange a few emails (no more pics other than what I have posted which is 3 and nobody has asked for more BTW)and then it’s time to meet or move on. If you still think you want to meet this guy, I’d suggest lunch ASAP or simply delete.
Heey!
Two and a half months NC today with the AC and yesterday night I met someone I had quite a crush on while I was with my last boyfriend (who was the extreme “opposite of ACs” and therefore not the right one either).Well, he is a very reliable,nice person and pretty interesting and smart.I always felt that he had a crush on me too and yesterday he asked me to go out with him some time during the next weeks and then,we had a quite long talk about being “unavailable” and he told me about his failed relationships and I told him about mine and about the AC, because my new way of life is complete honesty, at the same time valuing the circle of trust and not fast forwarding or fantasizing.
Well,today I kept thinking about him and I thought to myself that I am actually to early to date, or it feels for me this way. And also,I told him that I am off Mr.Unavailables and he also has some unfinished business in his mind, but has been single since about one year.Still I don´t know if he IS Mr.Unavailable or not.
So. Since I have always been interested in his person and think highly of him (know him since 3 years now)I “might” meet up with him and get to know him better. The question is: Is it ok to date someone if you don´t know if he is Mr. Unavailable or not? I mean dating without getting sexually involved since I definitely could NOT handle that at the moment. But..getting to know him a bit better.
What do you people here think?
PS:By the way..yesterday I also met a girl who knows the AC (we are all in the same industry so many people know each other from jobs and working together) and she told me that she already knows three people who say that he really exploits other people, also in the working life…. totally creepy…and good for me that I hit the road early enough!!!
Siena,
I think it is too soon for you to date for few reasons. You have only NC for 2 and half months(same for me too), that is actually not a long time at all when you have a history of dating EUM and AC’s. You said yourself “I thought to myself that I am actually to early to date, or it feels for me this way.” LISTEN TO YOURSELF! No really, do it, it is tough, but you need to. You also said, ” he also has some unfinished business in his mind..” It doesn’t matter if he is EU or not because it is to soon for you to date. Can you honestly say that you are over your ex? Have you stopped thinking about you ex everyday? Are you still fantasizing? Have you allowed yourself to FULLY grieve your loss? History will keep on repeating itself if you don’t do the hard work of moving on and addressing your weakness for AC’s and EUM’s. I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to work on yourself.
Siena. Melissa is right. Don’t start fantasizing over this guy so quickly. You’ve been aware of him for 3 years, but have you really known him? One long, or even a few conversations does not allow you to know enough about him for a RELATIONSHIP. And, you are way too new out of NC to be thinking along those lines anyway. Where’s the fire. Take your time and work on YOU. I csnnot stress that enough. Otherwise, you will find yourself going down the same road again. WORK ON SIENA!!!. What is his “unfinished business”? Sounds EU to me. Lastly, hearsay, is not the most reliable of source of info and this girl could have her own agenda. BUT, if it is true and several people have found that he exploits women, that is a pretty strong warning which I would tend to believe, more than not. Anyway, the bottom line is you need to make up your mind to forget about men until you get YOU sorted out wisely. You need to have learned the lessons that caused you to have to NC this ex.
Thank you for your posts and others for their comments that have helped encourage me and keep me on the NC train! I finally have peace of mind and that is something I would never give up, having the time to get to know me again and give my children 100% my time is priceless! Being single is just another part of the journey called life and I am loving and appreciating all of it. I have been NC for 5 months after 6 years of humiliation and fear, yes fear of saying goodbye and starting a new life, fear of being away from the familiar. Every single comment/post is telling my story, they are the same all of them, just different versions. The grass is truly greener! And if I can do it after 14 years of abuse from an ex and 6 years of the same kind from my ex, I thought I would never do it and yet hear I am, smiling, happy and looking forward to my future! xxx
Good for you! 🙂
It’s funny how common it is for them to say “I don’t deserve you.” It’s a cop out… I have to keep reminding myself that inherent in that statement is “I don’t choose to be better either”
I choose to recognize my issues and do the work that will end up making me a better person… even though sometimes I don’t want to.
I choose to be positive and encouraging to others (and myself).
It ain’t always easy but I am definitely worth it. Period, end of!
Im waiting till end of year when i got my holidays and and weekends aways out the way . But i have been thinking about getting another dog . I had to help clear my friends house yesterday who died suddenly and i was feeling low , but i done them proud by staying strong and not doing anything i shouldnt or breaking nc
*hugs* Well done on staying strong. Clearing out a home after a death would be terribly emotional and I’m not surprised you were feeling low. I hope you gave yourself some extra TLC.
I am glad you are thinking of getting another dog. You do need time to grieve for your beloved dog and only you can know when you are ready for your next companion. Perhaps if you miss doggy cuddles you could foster for a rescue group and pay forward the love and care your dog gave you.
Tired,
Im sorry about your loss. That is so tough and I hope you are taking care of yourself. Definitely an awesome job done with not breaking NC. Sending you hugs and stay strong.
@2fearc
Many thanks. I appreciate you comments.
Ladies,
I’m new to this wonderful site…following a recent break-up. I was doing very well after readng a lot of the posts on here. However, in the past few weeks (longest period of NC), Im starting to feel a little sad again and feel like Im moving backwards. Im not sure where to post ‘my story’ for some tips / support. I realise this post probably isn’t most suited but it is the most recent, so I thought I might get some answers. Any ideas? Thanks in advance!
Hiya
Without your full story it is difficult to comment but I am taking your posting name literally and so suggesting this as a starting point:
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-past-your-anger-getting-out-of-stuck/
Just keep reading, and do nice things for yourself. Remember how well you used to treat your ex? That is how great you need to be treating yourself. Put yourself first for a bit. Yes, even if you have kids. Get out and about with friends or on your own. And stay NC. That above everything. Trust in the process.
Thanks so much for getting back to me Tabitha! Its SO lovely to see how much this site has done for so many women. I’ve been reading everything, over and over and it has helped me to see things in a totally different light, Usually, I would blame myself for everything and wonder why I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, loving enough, clever enough etc to make him love me enough to be a good person and treat me well but I am FINALLY learning that this has very little to do with me and a whole lot to do with him. We met at work, I have trust issues with men so I made him jump through hoops in the initial stages (bad idea). Once he had proved to me he was actually genuinely interested and wanted the same things I did, I let my guard down and trusted that I had FINALLY found the right guy. For about 5 months he was everything I’d ever wanted in a man. So supportive, loving, attentive, kind, caring…the list goes on. He did speak about getting married and moving in together within this first 5 months which I was initially quite scared about but he put my mind at ease, consistently showing me he was in this for the long haul – little did I know, it was a whole heap of FUTURE FAKING. He even sent me links to flats daily and asked my ring size! Then suddenly, he went cold, dumped me (after not answering the phone for 24 hours). I was confused, a little devestaed but I accepted it immediately and told him, I understood and it was fine…see you around. He was obviously shocked by this and begged me to reconsider yada yada yada and I took him back. Following this…a lot of boiling hot, followed by freezing cold treatment. I tried to talk about it, always confronting him on issues etc but it carried on. He said I wasn’t good enough and would nver make a good wife as I can’t cook and I dont eat meat, so really as hes’ old school’ Im too ‘modern for him’ and ‘can;t provide the basics’. He also said he had ‘no faith in me as a person, and no faith I could accomplish anything’. He broke up with me again a few months later apparently because I couldn’t cook. Then that same day he begged for me back, saying he was totally out of order, confussed, lead astray by friends opinions of me etc etc. I took him back AGAIN (dear lord, what is wrong with me) but was firm that things had to change and I would not put up with the behaviour I’d seen up to now! He was fine for a while but then he started critisising me again, I wasn’t this enough or that enough etc. It was horrible but my self esteem was so low and I was so cinfused how he would have gone from being TOTALLY obsessed with me and telling me I was everything he ever wanted etc etc, showering me with affection and compliments and attention, applauding all the things I like about myself and even the things I dont…to this. This horrible, cold, spiteful person who doesn’t even say hello to me when I get in his car. We went away for a special occasion and got a little drunk one evening. At the end of the night he kicked off at me calling me a slut and saying he would never have stayed with me if we didn’t work together, saying he was just like all the other bad guys I’ve been with and when will I learn. Then he threatened me with violence. He said it was a joke but I didn;t find it funny AT ALL. This tirade went on for hours. I just cried, paralysed by shock really. i was a long way from home and he was driving us back. I STILL took him back the next morning and once he’d said his sorry’s and explained how he was disgusted with his behaviour but ‘couldn’t remeber saying these things’, he quickly started saying that actually i was very sensitive and had ‘no banter’. All the signs were there and I felt sick to my stomach on occasion but I couldn’t stay away. When things were good, they were so good. Anyway, he cut contact with me out of the blue a few months ago and claimed to be having a ‘breakdown’. There are child and ex issues (he says he hates her but I feel that level of hate means unfinished business). Since the split, I had a few days of denial, trying to talk him out of it. Then the anger and hatred came, then the clarity, then I commited to NC. I felt great and for the first time, I started to understand the part I played in the situ and the strength I had to summon to stay away and head for a better future. I dont deserve that! I told him a million times when we were together that I wanted a healthy relationship and this didn’t feel like one. So, why now, when he contacts me and tells me he loves me and calls me etc, do I feel sad and still bound to him in some way? The anger is subsiding and I feel sorry for HIM! Despite everything he did, I still feel sorry for him. I’ve been strong with NC but broke it 2 weeks ago when I answered his call and explained that I will continue to ignore his messages as its the best way for both of us to get over this. He agreed to stay NC for at least a month and seemed to understand. However, over the weekend, he contacted me and although I didn’t respond, I haven’t stopped thinking about it. I cant deny to you ladies or anyone else that I WANT to speak to him. Does anyone have any tips. I know I need to think about whats best for me in the long term. As Natalie says, talking to him would be the path of least resistance. Any tips would be very much appreciated. Its really getting to me this week. I keep thinking about whether he’s changed. Whether he really is dealing with his issues like he said he was going to? He said he can’t be with anyone until he is happy with himself and has let go of past hurts. It shows some self awareness, I think thats what Im clinging on to. He KNOWS he has issues, he wants to work on them. thats whats keeping me hanging! He told me very early on thats he’s bad news..i didn;t listen. i thought I’d be the one he was good to. He actualyl told me he’d changed for me and would be good to me forver. Silly for believeing that ay! Any thoughts? I really dont want to break NC but I feel quite weak at the mo!!!!
Thanks and sorry for the essay of a post! xx
Yeah. he’s a pig! Sorry but it all sounds sooooo familiar. we think they are sooooo special, but in fact most of us could interchange our exes heads and we wouldn’t notice the difference. They all operate to the same pattern, spouting the same old bullshit.
Here’s the thing. You can allow yourself to waste YEARS, yes, YEARS of your life on this dickhead, or you can kick him to the kerb once and for all. Unfortunately, with this variety of emotionally abusive numbskull, there is nothing in between. How low is your self esteem? How much lower are you happy for it to go? There is only one ending to this scenario and isn’t a happy one. As Nat says, how much pain is your drop of happiness going to cost you?
I suggest you read some of her postings about being friends with ex EUMS. And read the comments below. They don’t paint a pretty picture. How would you like to hear all about his new girlfriend when you are in some kind of “friends/fuckbuddy” limbo? I know this all sounds harsh but I am being cruel to be kind here. There is no way out of this other than you going properly NC, or assisting him in destroying you.
Every time you answer his texts or calls you are reinforcing his beliefs that it doesn’t matter how badly he treats you, you will just keep coming back for more. Good to know huh?
thank you thank you thank you! I know you’re right Tabithat and deep down, I knew all of this, even when I was with him! My self-esteem needs working on – always has done. This is what I need to focus on now. I think I’ve just been feeling a bit lonely lately (sounds awful, Im only in my 20’s and have lots of friends etc). I just miss male attention / physical affection I guess. Its also probably a little hormonal, I find Im much more susceptible to his BS at certain points of the month.
I dont think you’re being harsh at all, just honest and thats what I need – so thank you! When you’re in it and it all feels so very unique, its hard to see whats really going on.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, you’ve single handedly kept me on the wagon 🙂
It feels good to take back some control finally. I have GOT to continue with NC for my own sanity. Its great that the bi-product is him, perhaps, finally recognising that Im no longer ‘that girl’ as well. The thought of him sitting there thinking I’ll always be there, no matter what he puts me through makes me so angry. You’re right, that is something to keep in mind at my weaker moments!
Im going back to the gym today, going to let out some of that anger!He emotionally abused me and f***ed with my head for months on end, making me feel I was going insane. There’s a lot of rage to fuel this work out :)!
x
I wish there was a Baggage reclaim for gay and lesbian people, 2 woman together is just different and i cant always use this advice because the circumstances is just so different.