It’s often said that communication is critical to successful relationships – it is – but what we often don’t realise is that often when we do communicate with others or convey information about ourselves, we can be frequent users of words that we don’t actually truly understand the meaning of.
Compassion
Right up there as one of the most overused and misunderstood words, I’m regularly told “I’m a deeply compassionate person” and “I stayed because I felt a great deal of compassion for him/her”.
Meaning: Feeling sympathy and concern for the sufferings and misfortune of others.
While it is good to be compassionate, pity along with concern for suffering and misfortune, are not reasons to stay in a relationship or be attracted to someone, nor something that you really need to boast about as a relationship quality – you kinda expect people to be compassionate anyway. Most people don’t seek to be pitied unless they like being victims, which would have further implications for your relationship. If you tend to use this term you’re likely a fixing/healing/helping Florence Nightingale that likes to feel needed and have ‘problems’ as a purpose. You’ve got to stop inflating your emotional airbag – your job is not to lessen the impact of their previous relationships or experiences!
Empathy and Sympathy
Lack of empathy is a real issue in relationships but it is often mixed up with sympathy.
Meaning: Empathy is about understanding and sharing in another person’s position which includes their feelings.
Sympathy – Yep, it’s to feel pity for another’s misfortune
Empathy is critical – not only will it help you step outside the box and consider another person’s perspective but you will be more conscientious in your actions and avoid making swift judgements and assumptions.
Empathy isn’t the same as thinking about what you would think, feel, and do in the same position and assuming that this is what they feel or have experienced – that’s putting yourself in your own shoes not theirs. You still need to relate to their actual position. Likewise being able to empathise doesn’t mean ‘Let me leap in there and fix/heal/help you’ plus it also doesn’t mean that you should take on their problems which are all acts of pitying someone.
Here’s what pity looks like “Oh, there there. How sad/awful. I bet they must always have wanted someone to love them so they can feel like a worthy person. Ooh, lightbulb coming on! I know – I can love and take care of them and they will be so grateful for my love and love me back too!”
Empathising with them would be to understand their position but not deciding that you’re the solution to the problem or trying to be in control of managing it and instead, letting them remain in control of it. It’s also important to note that if and when someone does understand your position, it doesn’t mean they automatically agree with it.
Hurt
It’s important to understand our feelings and own and validate them but sometimes we get the descriptions mixed up. Eg. “I’m hurt that you didn’t take out the bins/trash.’ or I’m hurt you said X’ or ‘I’m hurt that you did Y to me’.
Meaning: Hurt is about experiencing mental pain or distress.
It’s important to distinguish between someone not doing what you want, someone not doing something in the way that you would like, and someone doing something that directly relates to causing emotional distress. Expand your range of feelings beyond hurt because it shouldn’t be the automatic descriptor for everything that other people do that you don’t like.
Acknowledging a variety of feelings appropriate to each situation combined with having levels of what actually constitutes hurt, will make for more meaningful dialogue. If the word we reach for is always ‘hurt’ we communicate to partners that every slight, no matter the size will cause us emotional distress – that’s a lot for someone to deal with.
I’m irritated that you didn’t take out the bins. – The truth is that it’s a bit excessive to be in mental distress over the bins not being taken out. And as an aside, it’s important not to equate any and all things down to disrespect. People forget, get absorbed in other stuff etc. It’s unrealistic to decide ‘If someone loves me they won’t forget anything or make a mistake because it will hurt/disrespect me that they didn’t put me in the centre of each and every thought’.
I’m pissed off that you said X. – You may well be hurt. However you could, depending on what was said be irritated, annoyed or angry that it was said and following that, should there be a lack of apology or explanation, then yes, you will be hurt. Conflict is tricky but unavoidable. If we say we’re hurt every time we have even the most minor of disagreements, it sends a message that discussions will be shut down or avoided for fear of causing distress.
‘I’m hurt because when you did Y, I felt that you were being disrespectful to me and as a result it feels like you Z’ is more ‘productive’. You will experience moments of being hurt even in the happiest of copiloted relationships but if you follow up admissions of hurt with being a little specific as to how you came to feel that way, you create a situation where not only do you give them the opportunity to understand your position (empathy) but you understand why you feel as you do.
Hinting
I spoke with a reader a while back who was frustrated that her guy wasn’t proposing despite some previous conversations and now hints. I suggested she have a talk – shot down. She preferred to hint, simmer, and no doubt inadvertently convey a nervousness.
Meaning: Indirectly or even just slightly indicating something.
Your relationship can’t afford for you to be covert about what matters to you especially since a hint is only as good as the person receiving the message and due to the nature of being indirect, either the message is lost or you end up being irritating. Relationships require vulnerability and willingness to communicate with open, honest dialogue, something that’s difficult to achieve if you seek to avoid vulnerability by being indirect. It’s also frustrating because you seek to get a lot without putting yourself out there.
Kind
People love describing themselves as kind, which is somewhat less vanilla than ‘nice’. Unfortunately some people are so ‘kind’ that you couldn’t distinguish them in a lineup of doormats.
Meaning: Friendly, considerate, charitable, goodness, understanding and if you engage in being, for example compassionate or selfless they are acts of kindness in themselves.
Kindness is still a virtue and a very necessary quality, however, while we can endeavour to be kind, it is part and parcel of being an authentic human being, something we should all strive to be anyway. Often people who try to be The Good Girl/Guy are the biggest users of the term ‘kind’ and in attempting to maintain an image of ‘goodness’ can end up in bad situations in the name of not looking ‘bad’. Some people are too friendly, too considerate, too charitable to the point where they will get knee deep in an abusive relationship and have their compassionate meter on high at the same time. You can be kind without being naive or blind.
People that know the true meaning of kind also know how to be kind to themselves . It isn’t selfless to treat others like the sun shines up their backsides while treating yourself badly – it’s low self-esteem and disrespect of yourself.
Your thoughts? Can you suggest any terms that get misused? I will be doing a follow up which will include terms like ‘communication’, ‘discussion’ and ‘break up’.
Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.
Source of some of the meanings Oxford Dictionaries – compassion, hurt, kind, hinting
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How about “understanding” as an adjective? For example, “I strive to be understanding in my relationship. My boyfriend who respects, loves and cares for me lost his job unexpectedly today and would like to go for beers with his friends and watch football instead of going to look at new coffee tables with me. I can understand that.”, versus, “This guy I’ve been seeing for six months who doesn’t call so often, has shown no desire to commit to me and talks about his ex a lot pretended not to know me when I saw him out at a bar with his friends. However, I’m understanding and I know he’s been having a tough time at work, so I’ll let it slide.”
Natasha, I look forward to every comment of yours but this must be one of your funniest! You have me laughing my head off! I shall include it in my next roundup!
I had an ‘a-ha’ moment this weekend. Actually, I had another a-ha moment. I was buying an over-priced coffee and the barista threw in a wee, tiny, cake, barely a bite. I kept it Natalie! to represent the ‘crumbs’ they throw at us. I don’t know how long before it goes blue & fuzzy w/mold, but until then, that is my talisman, to remind me how little he had on offer. Thank you.
I love these clear definitions! I’m thinking the word, “love”, or phrase, “in love” are misused more than any other.
Awwww thank you Natalie!! 🙂 What a huge compliment from a lady as smart and funny as you are!
And #7 – love.
You killed it, that was funny, and oh so true. Understanding as an adjective, I like it. Sorry what is an adjective again : )
How about “consideration” along the lines of consider this or that which actually seems to lead to either rationalizing or being managed down. For some obsecure reason you are expected to take “things” into “consideration” prior to kicking their happy ass to the curb.
“Things” is another word often throw around – how much more general can you be really. “Things” aren’t working out for me or in other words I am already out the door and don’t want to discuss it any further at the moment but maybe someday in the future I might actually figure out what those “things” are when I look to you as my fallback girl – ya know – just in case I am lonely/horney or some”thing”.
I used to think that love was something that you couldn’t buy down a shop, I was proven wrong Impulse have a fragrance called TRUE LOVE, so now I can smell it and wear True love everywhere i go and it costs about £2.00 a bottle now that is very considerate of them when you appreciate that we get what we focus on 🙂
How about “attached”?
The AC/EUM meanings of attached
Don’t get attached to me because I don’t want to get serious/think I may find someone better/oops! forgot to mention I am married. etc. Or, I am “attached” to someone else.
Or I am non committal and therefore will never become emotionally ‘attached”.
Love it! Yeah ‘attached’ is one that gets bandied about a lot by ACs and EUMs. Would be great to have a definition.
I once read, in a book or an article about codependency, that if you feel you’re ‘attached’ – or if someone tells you they’re ‘attached’ to you, rather than connected, or in love, or fond of, or something like that, to watch out! This kind of ‘attachment’ has very little to do with love as we know it, and more to do with an unhealthy kind of bonding addictive personalities do somewhat too quickly. So whenever I’m thinking or feeling I’m attached, a flag goes up for me and I proceed with extreme caution and care.
I know that over time, we do become very interconnected with our loved ones and our lives intertwine, but attachment is something else altogether.
I want to add too, that ‘attached’ is something you can still be regardless of how you’re being treated, and regardless of whether or not YOU truly love, care for, trust and respect the person. You can be abused, and feel too attached to someone to actually leave them because you feel that the loss of that attachment would be too much for you to bear.
What I am referring to is the ACs definition of attached, a four letter dirty word, how he uses it in a sentence, not the true definition. They have their own language where words benefit them and their narcissitic ways.
As a man, I would say that “hinting” is just a little bit better than “if you loved me, you would automatically know” line. Both are disasterous.
How about “casual?” I always found the term “casual sex” such an oxymoron. Casual is a word I’d use to describe my everyday dishes or birkenstocks or denim, but not for sex.
I mean, isn’t that a total contradiction?
Thanks Natalie! The tip to increase one’s emotional bandwidth from ‘hurt’ stood out for me. I fear this is one of my weaknesses and has certainly been the achilles’ heel of the last two guys I have seen. We’ve gotten into traps in which we’re so stupidly scared and defensive that every imperfect move becomes, then, a cause of ‘hurt’. The last guy, in particular, saw all of my less-than-stellar moments as a slight or insult, even if it had nothing to do with him, and even if it was just that I wasn’t at my most overtly warm or obedient/easy or whatever.
I have a sneaking suspicion that the men who are still single at my age (early thirties and beyond) are both more likely to have this monumental sensitivity – which combines with the classic, ‘and I am too old to have to put up with being told what I am about.’ Everyone, myself included in many ways, seems to be so keenly plugged into their own hurt. It’s disabling, as you say. The way you see a problem becomes the problem.
(…which means I have to try to let go of that ‘sneaking suspicion’ too.)
And, yes, to the kind thing. Men who say they are kind or a good guy as a defensive are just giving you a cake pie to the face so they can run off while you wipe it from your eyes. For most people, the issue of essential kindness is not even relevant (it’s rare that we’re dealing with a genuine sociopath). We’re both kind or trying to be kind. And what we’re talking about is not the opposite of that. We’re not talking about you being bad, you emotionally-stunted fool! There’s a spectrum of qualities here too.
(applies to women, equally, of course)
I’m suspicious of people who introduce or describe themselves as “kind”, “compassionate” etc. If indeed you are it will show in your actions; it doesn’t need to be spoken. If you have to brag about being kind, you are not, or are insecure in some way…at least that’s been my experience
Meagen,
I so agree!!!
The worst people I have known have stated what great friends they are. I don’t know if they are trying to convince us, or themselves.
Some other words i think get misused are trustworthy, Loyal and sensitive!!
Sensitive: Won’t put up with situations or topics. Intolerant, withdraws easily. Or, deeply absorbed in their own issues.
Here’s what pity looks like “Oh, there there. How sad/awful. I bet they must always have wanted someone to love them so they can feel like a worthy person. Ooh, lightbulb coming on! I know – I can love and take care of them and they will be so grateful for my love and love me back too!”
This is an element of all my past relationships and I know from years and years of trying these people don’t want your pity and your love no matter how much you give it will never ever be enough.
It is also not looking at yourself as someone who is worhty of love that you would have to chose someone who you perceive as needing love just so they can love you back. Like feeding a starving dog and hoping against hope it doesn’t bite you.
While we’re on ‘love’, how about ‘care’ as in caring about someone? uttered specifically not to be confused with ‘I love you’.
Amen!
My ex couldn’t say I love you, he could only say I’m “fond” of you
Thank you .. I really needed this today.
Very late last night my EUM sent a text to me with his new phone number. I replied back with a thanks, but was surprised he wanted to give it to me after two months of no contact.
He replied asking who I was (mistaken identity?), and when I sent back my name he said he didn’t want me to have his number. So I left it at that.
I was just getting to peace with this breakup, and this interaction caused me a lot of grief and a sleepless night. So after reading this post today I thought about it, and realize that even though he can still hurt me, he has no empathy for how I feel, and never will. They just don’t change do they?
I also realize I am better off without him, so thank you for this timely post.
There was a post only a few back where one reader’s ex “accidentally” texted her … and another reader popped in to say, in two years my ex never accidentally texted me but after we broke up suddenly there were all these texts sent to me accidentally but intended for someone else … “yeah, right.” This strikes me as similar. Could be genuine, but who replies to the clarification you sent by saying he doesn’t want you to have his number? Sounds like he just wants to make sure you know he has forgotten you/your number already. Not. Anyway, of course that would hurt and good for you for staying NC otherwise.
MostlyKind This is a classic manipulative tactic where it’s basically a game of Bait & Switch. I can say 150% certainty that he sent the text intentionally with a view to triggering a response, creating disruption, and ultimately have the opportunity to regain what he thinks is control. Now all of a sudden he’s carrying on like you called him! Fecking cheek! For a start, he either remembered your number and punched it into his new phone or he selected it from his contacts. What you have is 150% confirmation that he’s an incredibly childish man that you want nothing to do with. He doesn’t want you having his no.?! What’s he going to do? Send a SWAT team in to take you in for interrogation & delete the number from your phone & your mind?
Honestly. I have to say this: what a tool.
SWAT team to remove it from her memory! It’s like “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Moron”. MostlyKind, this reminds me of something that happened to a girl I used to work with. She was dating a complete jackass who was pursuing his ex behind her back and subsequently she broke up with him and told him not to bother her. Obviously, she didn’t contact him. Then, about a month goes by and it came to light that he was at court trying to get a restraining order against her…needless to say, it was not granted. He wound up looking like a total fool, much like your dude and his rogue texts!
Hi NML it would be great to get some more information about “Bait and Switch” or any manipulative games X’s can play. I think we have all fallen for it at one time or another ,understanding why they do it so that we dont blame ourselves or what to look out for?
About 2 months after my x broke up with me i got a gmail invite to watch him run a marathon. I was previoulsy invited when we were dating but i assumed i would no longer be. The invite popped up and i spent ages feeling confused, what did it mean, do i reply, am i suppose to go, does he want me to go, do i reply and say “is this a mistake message”?. Especially since only two months in i was still deeply hurt and confused so something small like this easily sent me spiralling. I didnt reply after thinking long and hard about it. I used some logic and remembered how anal and controlling he was about his email, txts and so forth. I new deep down he sent it on purpose but i still didnt fully understand why.
I’m with Trinity. I had a bleep six weeks ago. The AC left a message after his nephew had a stroke (I already knew this as his sister and brother-in-law had told me). Told me to call him back “if I wanted to”. I was fine (had no desire to call) with it for a few weeks and then stupid me contacted him and said I was returning his message – his reply – What message? When? I replied with is this some more of your mind-screwing? Told him do not contact me – we are not friends and never will be. That toally felt ike a bait & switch. Still doing good tho.
My ex EUM used to “accidentally” pocket dial me on occasion. When he then did that to my best friend whom he knew I hung around with all the time is when the light bulb went off that it was an intentional tactic used to get a response from me or to find out what I was up to without him actually having to be a mature man and call me and ask. It’s unbelievable the mind games some of these guys will pull just to feel control.
I can say 100% that he sent that txt on purpose !
Which is cruel and controlling and shows you are better off without him. If he ever does this again do not reply also take all his numbers and so forth out of your phone. Ive deleted all communication tools of my X and his whole family, no numbers, no email addresses, no street adresses……nothing. This also stops your own temptation. I can imagine how you must have felt last night so try to really pamper yourself over the next few days and remember its not you its him being a tool !
Take care
What a creep!!!!
Whoa I guess he mass sent his phone number to everyone that sucks when they pop up; my ex has been popping up in my dreams and it would bum me out.
About the kindness thing , my ex seemed to put on a mask he seemed helpful to people or mention morals etc when we would have disagrements but would act other wise, I used to think it was kinda dangerous and exciting when he would do something risky. He would also talk bad about some friends or not want to be around them but his other side would take advantage or do thing’s to get something out of it. I would feel shadey about the way he would treat his friends but realize that i needed to stop blaming myself for his actions or making excuses because he seemed so “kind” as for me I don’t try to act nice I just what’s the right and wrong thing to do and I don’t have to prove myself to anyone
Another term that causes me confusion is ‘issues’. People use this a lot. ‘I have issues’. I don’t quite understand this, because EU people say this as if it differentiates them from everyone else. Doesn’t everyone have bloody issues?! You can have twenty ‘issues’ just getting the bus to work! This term now makes my skin crawl.
Natalie – you hit the nail on the head with EUMs wanting to regain control. After telling the EUM I didn’t want to be ‘friends’ or an option and ignoring him, he asked to meet. Stupidly I did just to hear what he had to say really. Well what a shock – he wanted us to move in together, have a proper relationship, how well we got on together, etc. And…I fell for it. I explained what I wanted and he readily agreed. He stayed over and was really affectionate, left late the next morning and I was so happy that he really wanted things to work out. Four days later – not a word from him- no text, phone call, no plans to meet, nothing. I can see now that he just wanted to regain control, nothing more. Strangely I’m not upset. I haven’t sent an angry text or tried to phone him. If he should ever get in touch I’ll just ignore him totally. I felt a fool, thinking he must be having a good laugh to himself, but even that has passed and I’m quite calm now I know what a nasty, manipulative, lying creep he really is. It was all an act and this is what ACS are really good at. I’m not going to even try and understand why they have be like this and have no conscience or feelings. He’s someone else’s problem now.
So sorry shattered.
shattered
i’m not an AC (honest) but when i was looking for a nursing home for my mother i picked one where my father could visit her and where i could visit her. my visits have been minimal. I would love to be the person who visits their sick mother regularly but I’m not. i think ACs like the idea of being someone who could live with you/get married/show up once a week but they’re not. my excuse is that my mother was abusive, and still is when she gets the chance. not sure what your ACs excuse is (who cares)but, yeah, sometimes we like to act better than we are. i don’t think he’s laughing at you, for what it’s worth but you’re accepting what’s happened and moving on. which is the best we can do.
Hi Shattered, what an awful experience – dealing with mindfuckery is horrid. That said, it’s unlikely he’s laughing at you unless he’s somewhat sadistic – more likely that he has pressed the Reset Button and in complete denial.
When unavailables feel out of control and unsure of your interest, they equate those feelings with desire and overestimate their feelings and their capacity for a relationship. The goal here was never to meet your needs – it was to get you back on side. Being out of control can make him almost frenzied and he’ll say whatever, half believing it at the time. Then the enormity of what he’s promised kicks in the following morning and he panics, his fear grabs him by the nuts and he runs. It’s like ‘whoops!’.
This insight into overestimating their interest is gold Nat! I’ve read this in other articles and it was a real revelation, which hit me like a ton of bricks.
When i dumped the ex EUM for being a flakey twit, some months later we ended up at an event together and he made a huuuuuuuge play for me to get back with him. Two weeks later he dumped me by email. I was utterly baffled, hurt and confused. I asked him if it had all been just to get laid, to get revenge, etc and he replied by email saying no it wasn’t, that he had geuniely missed me blah blah. I didn’t understand until i read the ‘overestimating interest’ thing, but now i sooooo do. Now when i bump into him (as occasionally happens) and he flirts outrageously and asks after the boyfriend, i know what it’s all about and why and i just smile and move on.
I just wanted to say a huge thanks for that. If it weren’t for you i’d probably still be scratching my head over that idiot. 🙂 HUGS!
That is SO true! When my ex-AC made his ultimately disastrous reappearance, he called me up to go on and on about how he was going to be totally different and there was a huge hole in his life without me and blah, blah. The part that should have been a glaring neon sign to cut it off right then and there was when he wound up drunk dialing me that very same night, yammering on and on about how he was going to give me a “sales pitch” for us being in a relationship when he came to visit and begging me, and I mean, begging like my six month old puppy in a bacon factory, to come to his family’s house for Thanksgiving. Of course, snugly wrapped in the fur coat of denial, I said to myself “Ok Jamie Foxx, let’s blame this on the alcohol.” This happened every time he drank. And sober? Well, I completely agree that he was frantic to get me “back on side”, once I was…well we’ve all heard that tale of woe. I’m sorry that happened to you Shattered, I know just how you feel – it just took a few months in my case, instead of overnight. Hope you feel better soon!
I find it reallyhard to understand how people can do this sort of thing. Its just cruel 🙁
Words……………..I just “love” them…………….And there is a Word itself that has so many meanings…………….”Love”……………..”I love you, son.”
“Look at that young couple, they are so in love.”
“My God, how badly I want to make love with you.”
In our culture, we have a tendency to use the word “love” for three very different feelings. We can begin to understand some of the complexities of our intimate life when we untangle these three different threads of our loving. The practice of Intimate Communion depends on a clear understanding of these three separate elements in an intimate relationship: love, romance and polarity.
Just by writing that paragraph, I as the writer have set up a contextual meaning. I could have taken the word “Love” and directed the meaning in a whole different way.
The thing is it is only about 20% of human communication is verbal. The rest is non-verbal……………It is not so much how a word is said, it is “how” it is said and in what context. And more importantly…..How it is interpreted. Like for instance this article written by Natalie, she gives an Interpretation of the word Compassion…………….And yet the meaning of Compassion can be interpreted in a completely different way. This is where the problems of “Communication” come in. Especially between men and Women. a simple example of this is the words “could” and “would.”
A Woman can ask the man. “Could you take the rubbish bins out for me?” the man will simply hear this and reply “Yes I could” but the rubbish bins don’t get taken out. And the women gets upset. What she does not understand in asking the man to do this……………When she has asked for the bins to be taken out. It has been “framed” as a question, not as a request. So the man has given an honest answer in replying “Yes I could” meaning “Yes I could do this, I am capable of doing this.” he has thought of what she has asked in a practical way as a “question” of his ability. Not as a request to actually take the bins out. This is a common mistake in the use of words. now if she rephrases her request to “Would you take the bins out for me?” her question is now a request asking him to take the bins out.
Two simple words “Could and Would” and yet can have very different meanings which result in different actions. And in many relationships lead to conflict.
I have a word I would like to leave for the end of My comment “GAY.” What does that mean for many people?
Have a Lovely day.
AF
Shattered – that is a crap thing to do, and I am sorry it happened to you. However, I don’t think these guys laugh at us and doubt he is laughing about you. The thing is it isn’t about you at all. It’s about him. He felt bad/powerless and needed to reassert his dominance. In his mind he now has, he’s eome out on top, and I suspect isn’t thinking about you or the implications of his actions on your feelings at all. If you can try to depersonalize it. He’s a small-minded, insecure person who obviously doesn’t feel in control of his life – unless he dominates someone else. But, it probably isn’t about you at all. Keep calm and carry on…. as they say. xo phoebe (formerly doneasdinner)
How about “friend(s)”, like “friend(s) with benefits”?
Example: “Who’s that?” “Oh, we’re just friends.” “The way you two are hanging onto each other, seems like a lot more than ‘friends’ to me.”
(Please ignore if someone else already mentioned this. Can’t read through all the comments right now.)
How about “space” …Man I heard that one a lot with my AC…. depending on how they use it (and your levels of self esteem) it can be made to sound like a reasonable request especially if there is a lot of -one time in band camp – going on. If I ever hear that word come out of a bf’s mouth again, I think I will run run run….
The part of this post that hit home for me was the idea of overusing “hurt”. Hurt is my fall back emotion. If I am upset, angry, anxious, confused, whatever, I use the word hurt. If the AC was disrespectful, I was hurt. If he was abusive, I was hurt. If he didn’t do what I wanted, I was hurt. I never noticed it before but it hit me like a ton of bricks the second I read this post.
A million thanks Natalie. I had never realized it before and I truly learned something new and valuable today.
A quick aside – if someone else lacks empathy, run like hell. Don’t make excuses or put up with crap. Run. I made the mistake of excusing a lot of very bad behavior from someone who never gave a thought to how other people felt or thought. It doesn’t get better – it gets worse. Another valuable lesson, learned the very hard way.
This is an eye opener, I knew most of what all these emotions mean however I have used a couple to mean the other. You were hilarious in your explanation regarding compassion, and I think this is the most abused term to express emotions. I have this colleague at udlejning af huse who uses that term whenever she is describing herself. I, on the other side, am the overly kind person….after reading this article, I’ll definitely make some changes 🙂
How about “controlling,” “needy,” and “overly sensitive”? These are terms my ex used to throw in my face when I complained about his behavior. It worked for a while. At the end, though, I started saying, “Yeah, you’re right. I am all those things. And you need to respect it.” I guess he finally did because he left and went back to his ex. Yay! (That was two years ago and now I know it was the best thing that ever happened to me.)
I really enjoyed this post. To me, when it comes to the whole “hurt” issue in relationships, it’s helpful to consider the difference between hurt and “harm.” I may feel hurt that my partner doesn’t agree with me about something, or that she was late for our date, but neither of those are often long term in their effect on me. The feeling comes and then can go quickly if I just let it. However, there are other behaviors that can and do do long term damage, such as name calling, blaming, lying, etc. If my partner lies to me about her plans for the future, that can have a long term effect – in other words, be harmful.
But what I see is that many of us, myself included, struggle to pay attention clearly enough to understand whether something is hurtful or harmful. And unfortunately, because of that struggling, we often get hung up on the little things that are fleeting, while simultaneously missing the major red flags that actually need to be confronted, or which mean it’s time to move on.
I’m still not ready to “date” anyone yet.
One day I think I would like to meet a guy who was CRAZY about ME! It’s always been the other way around. Why it seems scary though is a mystery to me still.
I love coming to this site. You have a gift, NML. 🙂
Figure these words out….verbatem….no typos on my part…..
I so miss you and my desires is to be with you as much as possible as powerful. You truly have a significant hold on me and even stronger place in my life, I only wish it were/could be more often.
These are not enough words or dollars in the world to dignify, define or explain in every way how much you mean to me.
In the bonds, always and forever with the strongest love in our friendship possible.
@ EmLaw
Knowing the context that these words were spoken to you in (the guy is a MM who you where involved with) is the key to decifering the ultimate meaning . I have found that people who use this many words to describe their “feelings ” they are having about the situation or for you are trying to avoid telling you the cold hard truth. Why are they avoiding telling you the cold hard truth? Because they think that if you knew the cold hard truth you’d leave their ass and that would mean they wouldn’t get what THEY want from you anymore. He’s feeding you a shit sandwhich covered in sugar. What these overly verbous statements truly mean is that he’s not available for being in a real relationship with you, with both feet in cause he’s MARRIED and doesn’t want to leave the security of that. What he would like is to have his cake and eat it too. What he left out at the end was that he can’t give you more. Read the statements below with the missing words I have now added and you’ll get the picture of what he is saying and what it’s ultimate meaning is.
“I so miss you and my desire is to be with you as much as possible as powerful, BUT I CAN’T, AND DON’T EXPECT THAT TO CHANGE.”
“You truly have a significant hold on me and even stronger place in my life, I only wish it were/could be more often, BUT I CAN’T AND EXPECT THAT TO CHANGE.”
“These are not enough words or dollars in the world to dignify, define or explain in every way how much you mean to me.”and “In the bonds, always and forever with the strongest love in our friendship possible.”
Those last two statements above are just him blowing smoke up your bum to keep you hooked in to his nonsense and under his spell. I have to tell you that this guy is a bullshit artist, and a very well practiced one at that. Meaning, he’s laid this crap out before to other women in his life in an effort to get what he wants. He wants you to be his mistress and that’s all he wants from you. He’s not going to leave his marriage and come and be with you. Please believe me because I have been down this same road. They never leave their marriage for the mistress and you know why? because men who are truly done with their partner and…
I would love more on how about ‘care’ as in caring about someone? uttered specifically not to be confused with ‘I love you’!!!
Very similar to the strongest love in our friendship possible.
What about in the bonds, significant hold on me, attached to someone rather than in love with?
EmLaw: ya got me…very cryptic…sounds like he was trying hard to be deep and poetic… to come across as soulful…I’d be shaking my head and wondering what he’d been drinking or smoking that was making communication so difficult for him. How about “Imiss you. Please let me know if you would like to talk soon…” This would be a bit more direct and give you direction not leave you spinning and scratching your head with HUH??? But direct may not suit his “needs”.
I don’t know the background here; what was your tie to this man?
em
please don’t tell me he’s married. it reads like stuff i’ve got from married men.
em
Maybe I’m being too cynical. He could be in witness protection (ha ha). Seriously though, it annoys me when they act like a force of nature is stopping them from being with you. Oh woe is them, they can’t be with the one they really love. The universe is conspiring against them. Oh, it’s so sad they can’t be with the person they “care about” or be “a part” of that person’s life. Sob, sob, don’t you feel sorry for him?
Unless he’s on a manned mission to Mars, there’s no GOOD reason for him not to spend more time with you. It’s not that bloody hard!
Ah, EUA used to say it to me all the time. “I like you”, “I care for you”, sweetheart, darling. We were “lovers” and “friends with benefits” and to him, “saying I love you to a woman is a huge responsibility”. Actually, he was very clear, honest, and explicit. I just let myself suffer through months and months of this instead of thinking and saying You know, I “like” you too, but this hurts my feelings… and then walk away and stay away.
@ Cavewoman…Couldn’t have said it more perfectly…….this is exactly what I need to say…You know, I “like” you too, but this hurts my feelings… and then walk away and stay away.
@ Grace & Leisha …Yes, MM, master future faker…he is everthing imagainable wrapped up into one! Every single day its something new…he is like a child in a mans body.
Don’t worry though…after having the wind knocked out of me so many times I just don’t care as much to be hurt. He is telling/showing me his true self and I am really starting to believe him.
Today’s email made me gag it was sooooo sicky sweet. Eeeewww.
I really wanted to wish you “sweet” dreams last night, so I am
wishing you a “sweet” day today.
What the heck is a sweet day?
The day you boot this fool out of your life and no longer care what his ridiculous ramblings mean? Sounds pretty frickin’ sweet to me! 🙂
EmLaw: That man is using you for a fantasy and not allowing you to get on with your life as he’s constantly saying how important you are but not doing a damn thing to prove it by getting his act together, dissolving the marriage with his wife, and then being available for a relationship (first grieving his losses, etc.). NOPE he wants you roped in so he can excuse his miserable excuse for a marriage which I really hope his wife will opt out of. You are free. You can stop the madness. Go NC and find yourself a real available open to a good relationship type of situation and stop accepting sloppy seconds!
EmLaw: So many of us have been with married men. So many of us have been second with the men we put first. That is such a crappy place to be. Totally unnecessary. Take the tools of wisdom gained through hard experience that are given on this site. Establish your boundaries. Own your value. Step up to a relationship that treats you with care, trust, respect, and is caring , trusting, and respectable. Break the cycle of this man and his truly losing and using situation with you.
Em,
He’s soiled goods. Any man that betrays his wife is soiled goods. What he s doing is disrespectful, full stop.
Dump this guy, walk away and never look back. I did it with a MM I was involved with – never again!
They show a level of disrespect that’s totally off the radar. The MM I was involved with couldn’t stand the fact that I rejected going to bed with him when I last saw him. He turned it around by saying he couldn’t go to bed with me because it was against his moral code of behaviour. Plus he didn’t want to disrespect me.
Errm hello you did mister. You didn’t allow me to reject your advances and manipulated the situation so your ego wouldn’t be hurt by using bullshit excuses!
I could never trust him again. Even if he left his wife for me (which I didn’t want him to do).
Don’t buy into cheap words that can ultimately lead to hurt. He is deceiving three people. His wife, himself and YOU. If his marriage is so crappy that he has to look for fun outside of his marriage why let yourself be that instrument of fun. You are not his instrument and he is full of shit!
Take it from me, I’ve been there got the t-shirt and i’m long out of it – I feel happier away from the ex MM!
I “like” you too, but this hurts my feelings… and then walk away and stay away.
Funny that is exactly what I did recently.
My EUM man friend didn’t want a relationship, According to him I should not have been upset that he’s on a social website and it says he is looking for one ( They have those options you click ) cause he needs the SEO for his websites after all.
So he was saying he likes me a lot – But doesn’t want a relationship, Yet it says that he is looking for one looking at that social site – “That was the kicker for me, Put me no trust mode – Even if he would have been ready for a relationship one day with me, I felt well.. now I can’t really TRUST what your saying to me.”
Why bother telling me your not looking for a relationship anyhow to gain my trust if you don’t want one with ME?
He was always doing that, Never a flat out look all were gonna be is friends! NO he had to leave some window of HOPE open – Just ended up p*ssing me off too much.
Wow! This blog…..I love it! NML, the topics and the comments and the discussions helped me heal through a very very difficult phase and I can finally laugh about it. Thank you all!
“Confused” is another good one. When they lie and future fake and you call them out on it, then all of a sudden they look dumbfounded, “I never said that, you must be confused.” Last AC begged me to take him back, then when he began to act cold and I got upset and called him on it, he told me that I was “confused” and it was not his responsibilty to deal with me, that I should spend a couple of days alone to sit and think about my behavior. Excuse me? He says one thing, does another, can’t make up his mind, and I am “confused”?
Excellent post Natalie! Compassion and Love (as added by a couple of your readers) – overused and misunderstood xx
@ Shattered – so sorry what happened to you but you have picked yourself up and realised what he really is! And NML’s response to you was spot on – Reset Button – these guys are all about them – i learned that the hard way and went back to him when he “seemed” to have made amends and tell me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and bla de bla de bla. I too fell for it many many times, but took the decision to opt out of the madness. It is madness and mind f.ckery. God I even noticed it within TWO WEEKS of meeting the guy – he was fast out the gate and i told him he was emotionally unstable!! But he persisted and i fell into it all – god what a rollcoaster that was – should have listened to my gut!
NML – Bait and Swith – would love an article on that – sounds exactly what a lot of us have been through/still going through. Loving your work NML x
Ali,
>should have listened to my gut!< something that could have saved many of us from all our troubles... I should have, too! My gut warning came in about 5 minutes! And my insides remained in a knot during much of our acquaintance, and I dismissed it.... sigh... My first encounter with that flirt, I knew he was trouble. Here's how it went. I was in the process of separating from my then husband, a total mess, but chin up and smiling. I was at work. EUA comes in, first we just flirtatiously smalltalk, then we launch into a discussion about the job market and all our academic credentials (truly, really.) and the fact that our boys are the same age, and he's single, and I'm separating, and his troubles with child custody... and Heidegger... all in the span of five minutes. He says nice to meet me, hopes to see me again soon, and leaves. I go and hyperventillate between two rows of shelving (I work at a university library). This guy is bad news, my gut screams, and he'll be back, and I won't be able to resist him, and it'll be nothing but heartache. So what did I do? I shushed my gut and tried to be "brave" and "tough" and "reasonable". Ha! You're so right. In most cases, all along we knew what we needed to know, just never heeded it... but once we're consciously aware of this, we have the opportunity to learn to respect our own gut feelings. And then tell him off in a gutsy way.
Thank you. True, I’ve realised at last what a complete s**t he really is. If he’d have sent even a text to say ‘sorry I can’t do this’ it would have been something. He’s cut me off and to be honest I do feel discarded – like an old shoe that’s no longer of any use. But I won’t be sending any angry messages as I’m sure he expects. I’ll ignore him too. How do these ACs sleep at night?
Hi everyone. Help. 6 months was the last text where i said ” do not contact me anymore.” His response “Get over yourself”.
Yesterday, he texts “Are you going to hate me forever?” He has a girlfried he lives with who he started up with about a month after we split. I lived with him also.
WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME!!!?? Arrghhh
Ramona,
Block his texts or ignore!
He is disrespecting you and the girlfriend. He is only trying to appease his conscience after treating you so poorly.
What I’m trying to say is, it doesn’t matter why he’s contacting.
@ Ramona, he wants to think of himself as a good guy. If you aren’t speaking to him/don’t want contact it bothers him because he knows he did something to cause that. He doesn’t want to feel guilty, so if you are on speaking terms/friendly, he can tell himself he’s not a bad guy, and he doesn’t have to take any responsibility for whatever went wrong. It is also an ego boost. Simple human nature. No one likes to feel that they aren’t liked, or worse, that they did something to crappy to someone else to make no contact the only option. But guaranteed, if you were to be “friends” with him, it’d be on his terms, when he wanted the ego boost. Nothing more. Dismiss and NEXT! 🙂
ramona
he wants to know if he can treat someone like crap and still get them to like him. it would make him feel like the big man and really special.
he sounds like a complete and utter waste of space. don’t respond.
Don’t reply! Even his text message implicitly blames you for being crazy. It’s childish. Do not reply. Just feel that sense of ‘whatever’ about him. He doesn’t have to hear that. You simply have to try to keep feeling that so you wouldn’t even dream of replying or, if you wanted to, it would not feel wrong or complex. It would be OK. Do not reply now because you’re not in a place where it means something OK, and his text is definitely a ‘make me feel better about myself’ move.
@ Shattered
Actually my ex EUM/N never slept properly at all he used to be up all night – now I know why! Cos he had many, many “relationships” like ours – ghosts of girlfriends past??!!
Ali, mine too! Girl, both of our AC’s had so much in common haha! In fact, the last time I spoke with him, he said that he had “so many ghosts to bury.” Spooky.
To wit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFnKgIptbq0
It’s Friday and this is so (unintentionally) hilarious, I couldn’t resist!
Thanks to all who replied. I did not and will not respond. Never intended to at all. It just hurts. I need a hug. You guys are the best.
Here’s a hug Ramona: (((((hug)))))
I think it is really important to keep in my mind when going NC how your own “intentions” are perceived by your ex. There was a great post a while back about when your caring or love is interpretted as desperation, etc.. Keep in my mind that with a lot (or most?) of these guys, a lot of what they do is a manipulative power play intended to get certain results from you. Combine that with their lack of empathy, and they’re pretty much guaranteed to see any attempt to “talk” or “be friends”, regardless of what good place it might be coming from, as the same thing from you. Not the foundation for any kind of healthy relationship. Pretty dangerous, in fact. You can’t beat them at their own game. And you’re a better person for not trying! 🙂
Natalie,
What does ‘insecure’ mean? I just read your post to the woman asking about an open marriage and you said, if you split, the kids are “going to go through a period of being insecure.”
I didn’t quite understand that. What does that have to do with them becoming insecure?
I have been told I’m insecure, I feel insecure, but I thought this was a trait of mine, a weakness, that makes me unable to stop trying to prove myself.
Often other people use this word in sentences where I don’t expect it and I’m not sure I understand what they mean. All I know is, whatever ‘secure’ means emotionally, I’m not it.
I ran into some friends of the ex-AC today and I’m left shaken. I keep wondering if they pity me. I don’t think it’s about not being largely over him, I think it’s this other feeling about myself that I’ve never been without. I’ve been about to be mad at myself for not being over the AC, the usual mental tactic, but I don’t think it’s about that – I was like a kid in front of these people, wanting to appear unfazed, but inside I really wanted them to know I didn’t deserve the way he treated me and wondered inside if they had any respect at all for me, if they remembered me at all.
The whole way home I jonesed for a cigarette and this time didn’t give in and just sat there and was like, let me try to get past “I just saw the ex’s friends and now I need a cigarette.”
I was like, do *I* need convincing I didn’t deserve how he treated me? Is feeling like I might have deserved it – insecurity?
Magnolia, they may go through a period of not being confident about how their lives are going to be and who they are in the context of the changes. Some children wonder if they are less loved, or to blame for a split, or become very fearful of what the impact is going to be on their lives in general or their relationship with their parents. It is natural to experience anxiety or have concerns about things that create uncertainty or having you questioning your capabilities to deal with what may arise or even questioning yourself.
It depends on what context but if you think you’re insecure or you’re called insecure then it’s about a lack of confidence.
“Lack of confidence” sounds so much better than “insecure.” Thanks for the concise definition. I have always equated insecurity with low self-esteem, or simple inability to be cool, and it’s not quite the same.
“It is natural to experience anxiety or have concerns about things that create uncertainty or having you questioning your capabilities to deal with what may arise or even questioning yourself. ”
I’ve never NOT questioned my capabilities: growing up, the world seemed pretty awful and I spent my twenties hiding, my early thirties looking for rescue and now … what? Trying to figure out what this pervasive “I need a boyfriend” feeling is.
I’m going to indulge a moment of figuring out some of those taken-for-granted uncertainties: I guess multiple money issues, midnight moves, culminating in bankruptcy and dramatic losing of home when I was 8 – would make me uncertain that stability is anything other than a dead-end pink collar job. Kids at school telling me their moms didn’t want them inviting me over – uncertain that nice, polite ladies with pretty homes aren’t actually hiding their racism; still mistrustful of social politeness. Boys telling me for years that no one would ever have sex with me without puking – uncertain anyone would ever really want to have sex with me. Watching father continually shirk emotional and financial responsibilities – uncertain that people who stay together aren’t using each other somehow, and that I won’t end up used. Being assaulted on my very first dates in university – even more uncertain that men didn’t basically want to put a bag over my head as they got what they wanted from me. Starting on the journey of counselling – at 20 – to figure out why the boys were assaulting me instead of being kind, and still being in counselling at 36 for the same reason – unsure I will ever figure this out.
I can see how I turned to not liking myself because of my inability to overcome, but seeing the key uncertainties (you mean you could feel confident about this stuff?) makes the path toward security a bit clearer. Thanks.
Magnolia,
You experienced horrible violence and trauma in a number of different ways. I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through that. You are so insightful and generous with your support on this site. It seems you learned at such a young age that you could not rely on people to be predictable or kind. No wonder the world seemed like an awful place. I would imagine that it would be hard to have confidence in yourself and those around you after some of your experiences. Like you questioned, could anyone feel confident in the face of those things. Your strength in the face of adversity is evidenced by you being here and sharing wisdom and support to other women. Expecting anyone to ‘overcome’ those experiences and judging the fact that you don’t feel you have is adding insult to injury. I think when people experience uncertainty and violence like that, they integrate it, manage it, learn how to work with it so that it doesn’t interfere with the life they want to live but I hope you don’t judge yourself for still being impacted by it. I cannot imagine anyone who would or should be ‘over it’. From what I can tell, you are an amazing woman and unfortunately those painful events you described have been part of your journey and likely created a depth and understanding in you. Learning to live a good life , learning how to get out of your own way is important so that you don’t hurt you more than you have already been hurt.