Criticism, which is in essence a form of feedback that isn’t necessarily ‘bad’ as many assume but that also isn’t necessarily true either, is something that most people struggle with in some way. We all have our sore points which we may not be aware of until somebody says something that no matter how evolved and confident we are, we temporarily get reduced to feeling like that child who got picked, who felt embarrassed about who we were, or who just always felt like they weren’t good enough.
Criticism speaks to an aspect of us where we’re already self-critical and may have insecurities, fears and concerns lurking about. Even if we’re not actually critiquing ourselves on the specific issue that a critic brings up, the occurrence of the criticism may chime with this idea that we’re inadequate and that there’s Yet Another Thing for people (and us) to find fault with.
Now criticism can actually be a very useful form of feedback because true, partly accurate, or false, it’s either going to give us an insight and even a lesson on ourselves, or it will give us the same on the critic, or it will be a wider lesson that will help in the on-the-job training that is life.
I had someone make a comment to me, that for about a minute or so until I pulled myself out of my wounded trance, I felt embarrassed and even shamed. Little Nat, probably around 13 years old, shrank back, looked down at her feet and went ‘OK then…’.
Guilt, embarrassment, shame, and inadequacy are what criticism often triggers especially if like me as a child, you had more criticism than hot dinners, reassurance and encouragement. You get used to criticism and feeling bad off the back of it, which is why since I started writing Baggage Reclaim, I’ve learned how to deal with and bounce back / grow out of criticism because seeing all criticism as ‘bad’ and/or true meant that I wasn’t sorting the wheat from the chaff and able to actually hear, receive, and give feedback.
My trances these days only last for minutes instead of hours, days, or even weeks, and my first thought was, “Erm, that’s not frickin’ true!” As soon as I acknowledged this, the feelings started to subside and I was back on earth again, in the real world where I can’t be running around giving an eff about what every last person thinks of me.
This is something that we forget: When we’re criticised, we often focus on the feelings such as guilt, shame, embarrassment et al and we get sucked into the I’m Not Good Enough Vortex of Thinking, instead of focusing on the all-important issue of where the criticism is accurate, justified or even bloomin’ useful!
We assume that the existence of these feelings equals that the person is correct. If the criticism tripped off an aspect of our concerns where we’re already judgmental, the concern multiplies out of context and we sink into the feelings.
Not every thought is a fact so not only does it mean that not every self-judgement is fact but you also shouldn’t be so quick to assume that everything that comes out of the mouths of others is a fact either. You also need to be careful because when you tend to take too much criticism on board as well as perceiving people not agreeing with you or doing what you want or expect as rejection, plus you have people-pleasing inclinations, you already have a negative bias so are primed to let in information that chimes with your outlook while ignoring evidence and information that doesn’t.
Feelings aren’t facts either. You may feel embarrassed, shamed, or guilty, but it doesn’t mean that you have something to be embarrassed, shamed, or guilty about.
A friend recently had her integrity called into question over something that she had done without an agenda. At first she felt really offended by her colleague’s assertion until she realised that of course he would accuse her of being shady with an agenda – he doesn’t do anything for anyone without an agenda so he just assumes that everyone is just like that too. That’s when she started laughing instead of taking him seriously.
Criticism is just one person’s perspective, not a court order.
A person may be so caught up in their perspective that they’re not truly seeing you so they may actually be criticising themselves. Looking back, I realise that much like my inner critic, my mother was a tad Samuel L. Jackson in her delivery of criticism because she thought that by saying all this stuff, that in her own misguided way, it would prevent me from looking a certain way, failing, or whatever. Unfortunately I got so much of it that combined with other aspects of my life, my self-worth slid and I felt like a failure and unloved anyway.
Some people are shady critics – they say what they do because if you comply, you’re malleable and under their control, or they say it because they get a kick out of trying to make others feel small. Don’t give them their kicks.
If you tend to reel from criticism, it’s a sign that you need to be more self-compassionate. Criticism cannot impact you for very long if you are not judging you so harshly anyway. It’s about how you respond to and recover from criticism – do you soothe or condemn you? Being more self-compassionate helps you to be boundaried – you can’t just let any ‘ole feedback stick around – and it gives you resilience because, you know, people can and will say stuff and it’s not always going to be true or accurate, so you can’t run around turning it into a fact in your life and dragging your self-worth down.
Some people judge things inaccurately and they will only know that they’ve misjudged if you correct them, which of course you’re not under obligation to do so (don’t try and run your life leaving no criticism stone unturned), but you are under obligation to correct it with you. Those feelings will move on pretty quickly when you come out to support you.
Your thoughts?
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Omg I’m feeling this post right now! I’m struggling with my feelings about a conflict with myt housemate. He has labelled a ‘an ass hole’ and ‘not a nice person’ after we clashed about house chores. We were aquintances before and used to hang out so it was sore that it’s got to this point. It stems from him not wanting to be part I a cleanig rota and then when another housemate asked him to clean he did it. He accused me of tryin to tell him what to do, when I was give. The task of cleaning rota by others in the house. I have tried uptem times to talk to him and the last time ended in tempers and violence ! Seriously I walked into his door way and he pushed me out of his door way. I was so angry and I do feel hurt by him taking a total dislike to me. He kept bringing up all these resentments that I had. I idea about. I apologies for what I recognised was wrong but he had made his mind already. Urgh
NK- I’m a little confused. Your roommate doesn’t want to follow a chore rota but will if your other roommate tells him to but not you? If this is correct, who cares? You take care of you and as long as he does his share, let the rest go. Going only by what you’re saying, it sounds a bit…well…immature, sorry. I don’t mean just you but your roommate. Don’t hang out on his doorway, don’t try to be friends, talk to your other roommate about making sure everybody’s pulling their weight. If it’s that bad and if you can afford it, maybe find another place to live in that area when contract’s up?
Thank you so much Natalie – just to criticize you: Beautifully written!!! This is really true and helpful right now. I have been devastated by my recent break up, and the method my boyfriend used was to “out of the blue” blast me with criticism. So much for unconditional love! Anyhow – that has been gone into depth in another thread. But I wish to say, because I have been programmed that I am not good enough, do enough, have enough, am responsible enough, etc. that criticism, list of verbal diarrhea used to distance himself from me, went straight into me. As I have a pattern of feeling bad about myself (that I work hard on fixing through years of therapy), AND because I didn’t have a force field around myself from him, since he was supposedly #1 on my “team.” I have now spent weeks “in it” when I need to take control of my energy and move forward. Thank you for such a great reminder that just because they said it, it might not be true!
Self compassion is something I’ve come across as a an antidote to the inner critic. I’ve learned this in my 40th year of being and it’s like a whole new world. I identify with all of your blogs Natalie but this one is right where I am now. Thoughts are not facts. Feelings may be uncomfortable or painful, but they’re just feelings. When I think that I am unworthy at the very core of my being, I will find a way to make everything in my life agree with that belief (and I do!). Until I begin to question things. And then…I find that underneath the part of me that becomes paralysed by criticism, there is another layer of me that knows different and knows better. I have not been able to trust this knowledge and it is not an automatic response but I am starting to see that things are not always as they appear which has been scary actually. I almost feel like I’m wandering out into the world again, alone, for the first time, like I did when I was a teenager, but this time I see things so differently. I’m a fan of the Matrix so it’s kinda like Neo taking the red pill lol. I’ll take the real world, warts and all. I have no interest in forcing my views on anyone and my truth is just as valid as anyone else’s. I can live with that 🙂
My ex-husband spent 20 years criticizing me for my weight, my housekeeping skills, the fact that when I was a stay at home mom I brought no money to the family, that I never finished anything I started, my clothes were dumpy, I was dumpy, I wasn’t hot enough so that’s why he had to resort to internet porn and, while he didn’t admit it, the evidence was there, other women. The AC after the ex criticized my weight, my clothes, my parenting, my posture, my gait when I walked. Seriously. If he could find something that would just dig into me, he did.
And I took it from both of them because something inside of me thought that these men who said they ‘loved’ me must be telling me something I need to hear. So I thought I was fat, dumpy, unsexy, pathetic. This made my mother and brother insane.
The AC, after he dumped me, tried crawling back and I reject his offer telling him since he found everything about me repugnant, there must be something wrong with him for wanting such a horrible person. He actually got angry at me for standing up for myself.
The ex husband has just become the most pathetic person on the face of the earth. When he showed up at court last month (he owes me $11,000 in back child support), he had long greasy hair, parted in the middle, which looked oh so (not) hot considering it’s gray and he is losing his hair. He was dirty and had clothes that looked like they were straight out of Goodwill…not the cool hipster Goodwill clothes, but the stuff they can’t get rid of for even $1. He’s basically broke and living paycheck to paycheck. I, on the other hand, have a steady job, own my car outright, and just bought my own home. I’m putting the kids through college by myself and they won’t even talk to him anymore.
I guess my point is, those who feel the need to criticize have something really wrong with themselves. They have an insecurity so strong that making others feel crappy does something for them. I have learned that the minute someone starts criticizing it’s time to move on. Quickly.
Needing to hear this right now – I don’t feel I did as well as I wanted to on the interview part of the 2-day job competition, and the class went ok, not amazing. The dinner went well. But the self-criticism is there and I have swung to feeling unsure and hard on myself … trying like NML’s mom to somehow berate myself out of feeling like I might fail. But in any case it’s done. I’m just tired as heck and crashing now from an adrenaline-filled 72 hours. I know enough now that when I’m criticizing me I probably need some sleep and some vegetables. I won’t be anywhere near campus while they interview the three other candidates – I’ll be across the country. We’ll find out mid Dec.
I will be rooting for you Mag. I also have an interview (also higher education) next month and it is for a job that could change my life.
No pressure huh?
Thanks for this Natalie, I had to deal with a little criticism/rejection recently and it went Ok but I find reading your posts so supportive.
Good luck to all the BR readers doing the whole job interview/career changing stuff. There seems to be a lot of it around. I can say for myself that without the self esteem I have got from my year or so on BR I would never have had the guts to change my career like I have.
Hi Magnolia,
I’ve been through the gruelling north american 2 day academic interviews, which are just a bit more stressful than the UK searches where they interview all the candidates on one day and put them all in one room to have “lunch” together! I thought that I did really poorly on my job talk, but ended up getting the job in the end. After being on the interviewer side now for a few years, I realize there are many different factors that come into making a decision, not just interview performance (and it sounds like you did well in your job talk!) Sending many many good wishes for a successful outcome!!!!
Thanks Tabitha – yeah, these jobs that are potential life-changers – gotta keep breathing deeply! Good luck to you, too, and let us know here how it goes. Thanks Sophie – so many factors, one wants so much to do well on the few that are within my control! And noquay, I am blessed to know you are putting down tobacco for me! It meant a lot when you said you did that for me over the gyne stuff; means a lot now too. All this academic job stuff makes me wonder how runnergirl is doing …
I do this. And I’ve been less than kind to myself when I make mistakes – I still get so annoyed when I mess things up again at this age and experience but I think NML is right the answer and way forward is not to condemn yourself but to be kind & that way u hopefully learn and move on. I heard my daughter of five saying I messed it up I’m sorry – I says don’t take responsibility for that issue it’s not urs!!! Some people will do the worst things and never own up to it, always blaming others if they admit to anything then you have my type who will almost take the blame for everything. Sometimes I think I do the victim act & play that I’m the martyrr because its an excuse not to just move on to more important and real things. I spend time thinking about why my ex husband (separated 3 months) did all the inconsiderate things he did – but I might as well forget that & move on….it is what it is & my analysing it is only preventing me from being kind to myself and focussing on more important things in the world. It’s very inspiring to hear all your stories & accomplishments
Putting down tobacco for you every morning Mags. Good thing to be outta there when the other folks are on campus. When I interviewed last, the committee was running late and all four of us were in the building at the same time. Awkward.
Was just reading some old posts Nat and love them all. This one is great too. I was wondering if you or one of the other lovely people on here could let me know about any good posts you’ve written about what to do when guys disappear for a period and then appear and expect things to go back to normal. I remember reading about it on this site, but I can’t remember the exact posts and would love to revisit them, as I’m going through that right now. A guy I was dating some months ago disappeared and said he was too busy with work and then stopped emailing/calling me and now he wants to catch up again cause he says his work schedule is better. I feel like it’s all about him and when it’s a good time for him to catch up. Also we only ever meet in the area where he lives, cause he won’t go anywhere else. I have to travel for an hour to see him, but he just walks 2 minutes (literally) down the street and is there. It’s always been like this. So if I do decide to start seeing him again, I don’t want to have to contend with this. Does anyone else find this selfish or is it just me? What do I do?
Lavender,
Why consider taking someone back who pulled a disappearing act on you? Your answer is in your post: he’s selfish and makes no effort. Don’t waste your time trying to get him to change.
I guess I feel like I want him in my life and I know he won’t change, so I have to either just put up with this or I won’t ever see him. If I say something he won’t want to see me.
Lavendar
“If I say something he won’t want to see me”.
This is not the man for you (or anyone for that matter). Unless he has agrophobia he can meet you halfway and most gentlemen (wow, even ACs) will make the effort to come see you.
Barring abuse and insults you should be able to say whatever you want to a boyfriend without them punishing you for it. They may not like it, they may disagree, they may be hurt but they won’t freeze you out. Even if he’s not your boyfriend, it is not unreasonable to ask to meet halfway, and it’s fine to say “Why did you go quiet?”
I suspect he was dating someone else and it didn’t work out. Though he could have been in a coma. You won’t know if you don’t ask but, wait, you can’t ask because he’s an ass.
PS He wasn’t in a coma. He was ignoring you.
Lavendar,
Please, read back your comment. Does this sound like this is something that could be healthy and mutually beneficial? From the outside, it does not look good. You’re are settling for nothing, so that you can have a man in your life, at any cost.
You are asking to be used! People will not respect this!
Lavendar- It sounds like he wants things on his terms. It also sounds like you know this but are willing to say “yes” anyway. You are uncomfortable and feel put off, confused as to why you are being the one to put out all the time and effort.
This is a wonderful opportunity for you to practice your BR skills of learning to trust yourself and practice the word, “No.”
I’m once again following Suki’s advice of writing down positive affirmation cards and it’s really helping to shift my focus back to feeling in control of various (not all) situations in my life. It’s a part of cognitive behavioral therapy and it works! Maybe write down on an index card something like, “I will listen to myself today.” Putting the word “today” is very important as learning to listen to ourselves is a day by day process, something we know we can handle.
I know you asked for posts on men disappearing/reappearing. However, it sounds like you need help in shifting the focus back to what’s going on with you and trusting yourself in the matter so hope this helps you, Lavendar. Good luck! 🙂
Oops…”You are uncomfortable…” should read, “It sounds like you are uncomfortable…” Sorry, didn’t mean to tell you your own feelings.
Thanks Rosie, this was really helpful. Yeah I do realise what he’s being selfish and wanting everything on his terms and so far haven’t done anything about it, but I feel like I should.
Lavender, search for posts on the reset button. The AC in my life has been doing this for years…the reset post helped me not to let him do it again this time. Too many years wasted.
Lavender,
Don’t get it! He bails on you, and never even meets you halfway for the dates. What’s the attraction?
Why are you considering this, or talking to him, for that matter?
I’m not sure, he has an appeal that I can’t get over. Has it happened to anyone else that a guy will only meet near his place?
Lavendar
You’re getting too bogged down in detail . Keep your eye on the bigger picture – he is a guy who doesnt care enough about you to put himself out, doesn’t care if you are inconvenienced. He wants you only conditionally, on his terms. That is a theme that will run like a dye into all your interactions. He is careless and indifferent to your feelings and needs. He’s the driver and you’re the passenger, and that won’t change unless either he decides to push you out or you decide to get out of your own volition. Wouldn’t it be more respectful to yourself to do the second thing, rather than spending your life being driven around on the roads to nowhere?
Wow, Lavender. You are giving this guy so much power over you. I say ‘Wow’, because I was there at one point myself. I gave the at-work Assclown the power to assess my worth and when my needs got met. Everything was on his terms and I went along with it because clearly I didn’t value myself more, and quite frankly, I needed that ‘fix’. He always wanted to meet at his place, and when I asked why we never go to my place, he told me that it would take X number of dollars to buy X gallons of gas in order to drive to my place, which he was not willing to do. I live about 25 miles away from work, whereas he drove about 6 miles to work. Just imagine hearing that from someone, though: ”You’re not worth the gas it would take for me to drive to your house”. Ugh. That was just one of many hurtful and debasing things he said or did to me, but I cannot play the victim, because I kept puckering up every time he gave me his ass to kiss. As posters here have often suggested: “When you know better, you do better”. As soon as you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will no longer put yourself in a situation where anyone can continuously hurt or disrespect you, because no matter what anyone says to you, YOU have to want it for YOURSELF, otherwise the mistreatment will continue. Good luck.
Lavendar,
I had one guy try that, and I told him, I would prefer we met somewhere mutually convenient. We did- Went out once, and that was enough. I am not going to travel to some dude, either he picks me up, or we meet in the middle.
Ask yourself why you are bending over backwards for people. You’re making it way too easy, and are inviting disrespect.
Hon, men will think you’re a doormat if you continue this!
Tracy
You’re really right. This dude sounds really pathetic; glad your kids have the good sense to see that. Criticism can be used as a not so subtle tool of making someone feel good about themselves (when they shouldn’t) or as a passive aggressive way to get you to change to suit them. My one attempt at trying to date a true local (one of those guys that other blogs keep trying to tell us kick a$$ chicks to settle for) would constantly criticize my cats, dogs, housekeeping skills, the books I read, my politics. He wanted someone who had little life and ambition (like him)apart from spending time with and catering to his needs.
Criticism evokes anger and surprise. When my Sig-O criticizes me, I think, “Why is this person, who claims to love me, saying this? Why here and why now?” It hurts to see my beloved taking pot shots at me (“for my own good”), because I wonder what this person could possibly gain or what our relationship could gain from attempts to “help” me by undermining my confidence and feelings of connection. There is advice (a good thing, even if it does not feel “good” – like “you could use some new work duds; your power suit is getting out of date”) – but then there is criticism, which never feels good (“Why can’t you just listen to me and pay all your bills online? What’s wrong with you? Are you TRYING to live in the dark ages? Why are you so stubborn that it’s just stupid?”). Differentiating between advice and criticism means pausing to consider “Is this my problem or that person’s?” I agree that it is not always easy to judge that within the haze of hurt that negative commentary evokes, but I would add that the hurt does not feel the same. Advice hurts like a small pinch while criticism feels like a blade between the ribs. Natalie, I ask myself “what do I do with the anger?” Lashing back and fighting are not my preferred modus operandi.
My late mother was SO critical of me I devoped an inferiority complex that lasted for many many years. Looking back, I realize that shefidnot love herself, made very bad choices in her life, and used me as her scapegoat.
And for many years I played that role well…. until I wised up and saw through her. As an adult from time-to-time I run into people who (because of their own insecurities and jealousies) are critical of me. When possible, I distance myself from these types of people. When this is not possible, depending upon the situation, I will either ignore the person, or confront them and let them know that I they can keep their critical comments to themselves. The latter part is very difficult for me , however, because I do not like confrontation.
I grew up feeling very insecure about my appearance, so any criticism of my looks is a real sore spot for me. I had two exes who constantly criticized my looks, and let me know that I was not hot enough for them. These were not long-term relationships where I let myself go over time. They were short relationships, where I looked the same at the beginning as the end. If I wasn’t good-looking enough for them — why were they with me? I was also told by one that I needed to lose a few pounds. Another told me that I was too thin, and that I needed “more curves” to be sexy! My weight had not changed! Some people will criticize anything; nothing is ever good enough for them. Criticizing just makes them feel like they’re better than everyone else. I wouldn’t put up with that today. If anyone suggested that I wasn’t attractive enough for them, I would just say, “Yeah, whatever, why don’t you call Angelina Jolie and see if she wants to go out with you, then?”
Rosie you offer really pragmatic and supportive advice. Was it u who wrote the advice about the list of 10 or so things u want in a relationship? Lavender – u might find that useful…it was a response to NML post about two months ago.
One thing I have discovered since separating from my husband of 6 years, many if the things which I considered inconsiderate – ie: not interested in family outings, not asking about my day, not being proactive in planning family adventures, not being physical in a sensitive way – he has started to change, of course he is panting to get back together & I’m not interested but he “suddenly” realises that the way he was treating me….criticism included mainly about parenting – what I’m trying to get at Lavender is that these people do know all along that they are doing something wrong and not treating people as they deserve to be treated. Sometimes we give people too much benefit of the doubt, thinking they don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong. They’re adults and they do. It’s just that it’s all about them.
Genki,
You’re right, they know when they are treating us badly. They know well enough not to show up at the beginning of dating with their crappy behaviour, and they know how to turn on the charm when they realize that we aren’t sticking around for any more of their bs.
Even if he’s acting differently now, I would have a problem with someone who is fine with behaving badly so long as he thinks he can get away with it. How long before he feels safe enough to treat you badly again?
Genki- Thank you but I can’t take credit for the pragmatic support; that came from Suki (a fellow poster here), just passing on her advice. 🙂 I remember the (10 relationship wants) post your talking about and that’s from someone else too. Wow! I’m feeling really good that you’re attributing all these wonderful posts to me. 🙂
The ex husband (as distinct from the AC) used to criticise my cooking skills, the way I laundered his work clothes, my general housekeeping, the fact that I read BOOKS (he’d never read a book in his life as I found out) and I had to admit there was some truth in what he was saying.
My solution to his whining and bitching was to give him the responsibility of doing better.
I pointed out that since he was home from work a good hour or so before me he could start cooking dinner, there was a perfectly good washing machine in the laundry along with the vacuum and other cleaning products. Then I sat back, closed my mouth firmly and let him get on with it.
Not being totally brain dead he soon realised that if he wanted to eat, wear clean clothes and live in a reasonably tidy house along with the cat and dog, with both of us working full time there had to be a measure of co-operation that suited us both.
As for reading books, I said if he wants me to stop reading he has to give up watching all that interminably boring sport on TV. It took him about one second to work that out.
Now that I’m single and he along with the AC are long gone if someone starts negatively criticising me they get moved on quickly. That’s their issues not mine!
I really like Tracy’s response to the AC trying to crawl back into her life, what does it say about you that you want to be with someone who is so repugnant.
Beautiful! Then he got really angry, sounds just like the AC when I finally saw the light and dumped him.
Pauline,
Good for you!
Hi A, I totally agree with u these people show their true selves and I would not get back with my husband no matter what he promises….I could never believe a thing that comes put his mouth and besides that he’s boring, these people are manipulative and very cunning…..even if they don’t read books!! Haha he’s religious but I don’t think he had heard of the do unto others one ……unbelievable how these people suddenly see the light when their nice little life is going to change. The thing I’m really trying not to do is become bitter & resentful. My daughter started crying last night (she’s 5 yo) saying she missed him, and I’m glad that he is a good father I just hope she is never subjected to the side of him that I have seen. Back onto criticism – I think I’m quite good at taking lessons learned & moving on with work etc….I think it’s good to know where ones strengths & weaknesses lie & how to personally develop but it’s true some people do like to criticise for the sake of making themselves feel better & I’m really trying not to criticise ex husband to make me feel better. I would never say anything to my daughter it’s more telling him how terrible the things he did were…again and again I think I need to move on from that. Just not dwell too much in that space. It’s just that it still makes me so mad & because he will actually sit & listen to me now I feel like I’m letting all the condemnations out. I don’t think it’s the normal me tho.
No one criticizes me as well as I do. I am so hard on myself and it is so often for no good reason. It was hammered home to me yesterday when I found some old school report cards from when I was a child. I have a recollection of being a terrible student. My school report cards do not confirm this at all. I excelled and had very good comments from my teachers, but I never saw that. It’s like, even as a child, that I read the report cards and only remembered the bad marks or comments. Now I realize that I didn’t get any bad marks or comments. I am really trying to learn how to be far more kind to myself. I deserve it!
Lavender it’s not just you…he’s selfish and not treating you with love, care, trust, and respect. The old blogs you are looking for refer to hitting the reset button…disappearing acts…managing down expectations. As nat would say…hit the flush handle. No one is that darn busy…men make time for what/who they want to do. Lose that creep.
“Feelings aren’t facts either. You may feel embarrassed, shamed, or guilty, but it doesn’t mean that you have something to be embarrassed, shamed, or guilty about.”
People say feel your feelngs; don’t invalidate your feelngs; don’t stuff your feelings; you have a right to feel what you feel; how do you feel; check in with yourself; keep a feelings diary; I know how you think, but how do you feel. I used to cut my feelings off to survive my childhood. Now, I’m feeling them, er , most of them; I still catch myself cutting them off a times–it is so automatic “don’t feel that way,” and I seem to recall people saying “feelings lie.” The whole inner child thing is making me feel weird; it’s starting to feel like there is another person living inside of me, and that’s just weird. Plus, I’m feeling like I’m not owning my own feelings and …the inner child is…. I want to honor ‘her’…that part of me. Saying someone is pushing my buttons; hit a nerve, eh, that doesn’t do it for me either. It seems to discount my childhood trauma. I’m not speaking about or for anyone else; I’m speaking for ME. I like how you say Little Nat though. I can dig Little Sally-Stress-Head; Little Sally-Stess-Head feels like she is still a part of me, but not some haunting….
I feel like I have two sets of feelings; one set for the now, and one set from childhood. The ones from childhood feel deeper. It feels like Little Sally has unfinished business–old feelings that she never released, admitted, stuffed, …. These feelings are sometimes painful, and I just feel like I have to get them out, but also figure them out.
Sometimes it is a simple as just acknowledging how Little Sally felt, and she is satisfied; other times, she needs to talk about it; other times she needs re-parenting, and on and on….
I remember a looooooooong time ago, crying as a child, and my ‘big’ sister telling me, “You are too sensitive; you aren’t a baby anymore; you need to toughen up. My sister was ignorant, but she made me feel ashamed of my feelings, but she was only the tip of the ice b….
Yep, my boyfriend gutted me on two levels with his ugly words. I could never stand for any type abuse; it would destroy me, not just my self-esteem
I like what you say for dealing with triggers, but I’m not ready to give up on what’s causing the feelings. I’m not a cognitive behavior fan. These ARE my feelings. I won’t leave her behind. Why do I feel ashamed? Little Sally how do you feel?
Dear Sally,
I feel the same as you do. I have a little-Me inside too, and she’s sometimes howling, sometimes weeping, almost always needs a hug, is almost never happy.
I think Nat here concentrates on feelings “coming from the outside”, generated by people who aren’t important to us, random big mouths.
Little Misa and Little Sally’s feelings instead come from a dark place deep inside and often have nothing to do with what is happening right now in our lives.
The feelings of Little Misa are ghosts that cast their invisible shadows on my present life, yet are detached from it.
Of course a therapy would be extremely helpful. In my case finding the right therapist is a struggle, not to mention the one who told me “I don’t see why you are here!”, and the rejection makes Little Misa very unhappy.
I am joining an EA group and may be there I will find the emotional support I need and I will be able to let Little Misa talk without having to rationalize or filter what she says, but also without being alone with her, and this means: allowing myself to be her. To let go of the self-control I need to parent my own self…
A very good therapist, who unfortunately lives too far from my city, once told me that a way to deal with such deep feelings is to “embrace” them, until you can feel that e.g. instead of you been enraged, you are possessed by the goddess of rage. I can’t explain it very well, but it’s a why to accept the feelings and at the same time not to identify with them.
I a tight hug to Little Sally from Grown-up Misa 🙂
I am happy to meet you Misa and Little Misa! Alas, someone who understands. Funny, I identified with your first post, and I felt inspired for some reason, and now here you are and I know why.
I tried therapy as well; they said there wasn’t anything wrong with me, accept one guy told me that Little Sally was ME, and it was funny because, I think we both got confused as to who she was, and he seemed to be clarifying it for both of us. lol! But again, he told me, “your’re fine.”
You don’t know this, but I keep re-writing my reply to you because as I’m writing, I keep re-figuring things out….
Aha! I think I’m integrating!
The thing you said about self-control really got me to thinking because my parents conditioned me to wear a mask , which required a great deal of self-control, which also included not feeling or expressing feelings, except for anger.
Little Sally is the part of me that doesn’t wear the mask, and is ok with being vulnerable, feeling feelings and…. That’s why she felt like someone else to me, but now, as I’ve been healing, and I’ve become more of myself, she doesn’t feel like another person to me; she feels more like a part of me, and I do identify with her feelings because they really are my feelings. They are feelings that I stuffed down years ago, but they are still in me. But these feelings aren’t all dark; there is love there; there is caring and sharing, and courage, and….
Yes, what you said about not filtering; Little Sally doesn’t filter at all, and that’s why I have to keep her in check, but I think you’re right, I’m really the one who is growing up; she will always be a child.
One day Little Sally and I will find balance, and together we will function as an adult, but I will have her in my heart; she will always live peacefully inside me, smiling.
Hey, thank you so much; you just helped me move forward in a BIG way!
I wish you well in your EA group and in achieving your goals, and here’s a tight hug for Little Misa from grown up Sally, take care Little Misa and keep smiling, 🙂
I thought I couldn’t handle critcism (Yet, all the while reasoned I could and would handle dating an alcoholic. Nope.)
Since becoming an art student, I get criticized all day erry day. I love it! Sometimes (oftentimes) it’s funny, sometimes it pisses me off, sometimes it’s annoying, and sometimes it makes me feel sad. Most if the time it’s helpful, though I only apply it half the time.
No, my art doesn’t usually make it into student exhibitions and a lot of people think I’m undoubtably nuts. BUT, I make art for me and no one else. Sure, I need academic support for skill, so I comply when it counts the most, but I will always create for me and me alone.
Peanut- I remember taking art in college. It was obvious that I wasn’t serious about it so the prof didn’t bother criticizing my work, just gave a little feedback and treated me as every other student who was there to fulfill the art requirement. Another classmate was majoring in art, worked so very hard and she received A LOT of constructive criticism. There were days when she was discouraged, but we all knew that it was a compliment to her that the prof was giving her so much feedback and constructive criticism as it was a sign of respect. I don’t know if her work ever made it into the exhibitions, either, but she took her work very seriously and we all respected her.
I was constantly criticized in my marriage by having my words and feelings ignored. Lately I have really begun to see that there was always a climate of undercutting. When somebody (my ex) never says anything nice it actually amounts to the same thing. I think I just lived in this climate for so long I didn’t know any different, even though I was constantly supportive and showed appreciation to him. So until recently I took criticism to heart and pretty much accepted that I was the problem. This got to ridiculous extremes where I automatically took the blame for certain things going wrong when in retrospective in many/most cases these were not my problems at all!
The insight that criticism may be MUCH more about the person giving it than the recipient has been so helpful.
I realize because of my long habits I need to take a breath and proceed slowly if a criticism is made….I need some space to process it and to see what I need to own and what I don’t and to think out how I want to respond. I actually have found that even though I don’t LIKE criticism when I observe myself I am actually pretty open and able to respond in an appropriate way, even if I am struggling with defensiveness inside. I have had a few situations with my youngest daughter in the past few months where she has brought things to my attention and although it was hard in one sense it was good to just say that I apologized and would do my best to handle things differently in the future. Even then I realized my daughter was hurting a lot and she was reacting to me in that context but that wasn’t important. My handling it better has brought us closer definitely.
One of the things that has really helped me is to know that I do not have to respond to anything right away and can take a break to get perspective. And even then I might choose NOT to respond if the situation warrants it.
I recently read this & thought that it was relevant to criticism & relationships….it’s best not to dwell. Sometimes I wonder if dwelling in the pain is an excuse for not starting new chapters for fear of failure
From website: Let me share a story with you. One of my close friends – who is ten years older than me – is a successful attorney, and she never ceases to inspire and impress me with her skills, qualities, and relationships. So recently I asked her: “How do you deal with setbacks & disappointments?” She replied: “First, I never appoint anyone else as my judge. I take constructive criticism & I confront my own mistakes. I do my best not to repeat them. Second, I just do not have the time to wallow in negative feelings. Something else is lined up for me to do. There are things that have to be accomplished – decisions have to be made, actions have to be taken. I have to move on to the next task.”
All the best to everyone!
Being self-compassionate is one of the hardest steps on the way out of the EUM-AC hell, but it’s the most important.
I have been working on myself in the past two years, after a bad break-up with the man I thought would be in my life forever. It’s not always easy. After a summer of constant progress I acheived a very important goal (I have enrolled in a MA in cultural anthropology) and … broke down.
I started suffering from anxiety every single day, and almost gave up. Luckily I didn’t, I kept going, somehow, kept doing the things I love and have for years neglected, and I kept trying to fight the despair.
A couple of days ago I finally understood WHY I have been suffering: reached the goal, instead of having the courage to pursue the dream, I went back to suffocating myself and ignoring what makes me feel good.
The real turning point was realising I am the one responsible for my life. My parents might have conditioned me in my childhood (stakes always higher, 100% duty 0% pleasure, they are EU, etc) but I am 31 now and I AM MINE.
We tend to give importance to other people’s criticism when we are detached from ourselves, suffering, desperate and find an (apparently) easy way out in giving others the power to control our life.
If we trust ourselves and are good to ourselves and treat us, like Nat so often writes, with love care respect then we will be able to face what we don’t like in our lives, and change it.
It also applies to relationships. I have recently met a guy who was a bit of an AC. Of course I have a history of dating ACs and after the last one (coming one year after I went NC with my ex-fiancee), who seemed so innocuos and ended up being unemployed, expecting me to let him live in my flat for free and using me as an emotional pillow, I was hurt and scared.
With this new guy I behaved EU: I reacted to him being interested but only by answering promptly to his SMS and inviting him out (a grey-date because we started out as language-exchange partners) first. Then, when in front of him, I would be aloof and ignore his messages of interest, until he comes out with “Do you have a boyfriend? Why? I don’t want a girlfriend now because it means doing things I don’t want to do, and it’s something to think about very carefully” (…) and the thing of course implodes.
Today for the first time ever I have admitted to myself that I have issues too and that I am as EU as these guys, and that must be why 1) I attract the EUM or 2) they act “weird” and run away.
I am enrolling in a self-help group to help me deal with the changes I want to make in my life (pursuing the anthropologist thing, seriously, while also looking for a better paid job, growing out of the EU cocoon) and this time I am fully facing my shortcomings, which means I understand that I really need support and won’t give up the group because I feel that somebody there “criticizes” (doesn’t like me, judges me weak silly blahblahblah) me.
At least it is getting better, I just need some more courage…
I’m trying to work through the awful things my ex said to me; I agree I need to “correct it with” ME. In my case though, I’m talking about verbal abuse, filled with criticism.
I feel guilty, ashamed, and inadequate, and when I talked to a close friend about it today I felt embarrassed and vulnerable. I feel guilty about how I approached the subject of his unacceptable behavior. I feel ashamed and inadequate about some of his criticism of me. I feel embarrassed about both my behavior and about thinking he was such of a great guy for so many years, and then to discover he’s verbally abusive, and possibly abusive in other ways. I feeeel so disappointed, and I miss the man I thought I knew–so much. It’s extremely difficult to wrap my mind around his abusive nature because it was the first and only time he ever verbally abused me. Some days I want to just take the blame for it, so I don’t have to believe he’s an abuser. Or maybe if I take the blame, I can control it because then it becomes about me, and I can walk on eggshells, so as not to set him off into a rage.
I have so many wonderful memories with this man, and one very sick, dark memory of him yelling, cursing, and threatening me. I remember how scared I felt; I remember feeling man handled; he was so rough and raw, and even when I called out to him and begged him to stop, he continued.
It did something to my mind that day, and it didn’t help to get triggered back to feeling ashamed, inadequate, and like something is ‘wrong’ with me.
I hate that I still think something is ‘wrong’ with me, and yet again, I have to go back, and figure out what the f–k is wrong with my self-esteem. I hate that I know he has to change on his own, if he even wants to change, and most people don’t want to change, and staying with him would surely further damage my self-esteem. I can’t go back to him–EVER; he will never treat me with love, care, trust, and respect, so I DON’T want him. I hate that I understand he is the way he is for some of the same reasons I am the way I am/was, but in the end it doesn’t change sh*t. It just means I have to move on now and forget about someone who I truly loved, who broke my heart.
I hate that “it is hard to be smart,” Natalie–indeed.
I want to say I’m grateful, and I’m grateful for another important lesson learned, and this post is filled with so many jewels for ME, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’m tired, but all I can think is “wake up, move out….” You’ve just been blessed. What are you crazy? Don’t you know this is what you’ve been working for! Don’t YOU dare “miss your blessing!”
Pauline
OMG you read BOOKS! Horrors! Good thing you are rid of this a$$. As an educator, I could speak volumes on the effect of television culture on the decline of writing, vocabulary, and reading skills. “Better living through brain usage”; that’s my motto.
Amen, Noquay. Not to mention the effect it has on the decline in the art and/or function of writing, and more importantly the effect it has on those of us looking for work as writers! Eek!
Excellent post as usual.
Most of the criticism I received in life was from my family. I learned that I was the only one with faults and problems that needed fixing. Everyone else, and their perspective was correct about me. I honestly didn’t differ with their opinions, but in the back of my mind I thought, is it really possible for one person to suck so much and everyone else be so perfect?
I got therapy and grew to be able to weed out bad criticism, but not entirely. I didn’t do this in the workplace.
You see, I would just accept criticism, valid or invalid. I would say, “I’m sorry” just to get people off my back. I also hated when people pointed fingers at me, so I didn’t feel right pointing fingers back at them. I’d never call anyone out. A lot of people fortunately saw me as someone easy to get along with, others with much more malicious designs saw me as an easy target. Eventually, I almost lost my job because the buzzards hovered over me and picked away what was left of my credibility. Even though I had done nothing wrong, I had accepted criticism for so long that by the time I got the backbone to stick up for myself and point fingers, it was too late.
I was moved to a different department where I learned my lesson. When someone, anyone comes to me with a criticism, rather than looking at them blithely and submissively I look at them with benign dismissal. That look scares off all but the most genuine critiques. It was scary doing this at first, but it worked. If someone wants to criticize me fine, but it better be constructive and they better have evidence where I have failed.
I don’t mind criticism as long as it’s useful – God knows I’m used to it. Now, I’m as selective about what criticism I listen to as the criticism I dole out.
Criticism is just someone’s opinion. YOU should take it to heart only if and when it happens to be true.
This is a sticky subject for myself, Im trying to put in boundaries but with certain family members it becomes hostile. I was bullied belittled and put down by my family and I hated myself as early as infant school, my dad knows my tricky subjects and tried to tell me I was a bully to my grandmaster this sent me into extreme hatred of myself, then I realised he bullied her, me and anyone who would take it. I asked her and she laughed about this and said it was very untrue, at the time I was on no contact with family (apart from nana) and had found some peace then we spoke because he ( dad)owed me money and he used this bully thing at me knowing when i was in hospital i relived my mother death and felt to blame for it, i was fourteen and a pain in the arse to be honest, I was straight back to being in contact again. I’m now on no contact apart from hope ur all well through email and nothing is sending me back there, I’ve tried everything to have a relationship with him and my bro but it just stays the same I change but they want to keep bullying me, the adaption is hard for them as its uncomfortable and I had no boundaries literally none at all, I’m sad for that girl I was, I’m so glad I’m making progress and I can make amends to myself, the last time i saw my bro he started to drive the car into me with this psycho look in his eyes, two seconds earlier he had been fine, I suppose you get sick and tired and there’s a point where it has to stop and I have to live my life. I know my dad has an underdeveloped sense of remorse and that trying to reason is fruitless, for me this journey became less about the men I dated and more about clearing up the past where it all started and making peace with me and learning to put in boundaries regardless of what the other person says because they will try to blame etc…..it’s progress not perfection 🙂