For the first time in almost three years, I am acquiring the status of girlfriend and it’s happened rather quickly with a guy who is available, unambiguous and not my ‘type’. During my extended period of singledom, I have dated and been in ‘relationships’ that were really total shambles and considered a relationship based on the time that passed in nothingness and ambiguity, not through the actual building of anything. It took writing about my experiences, reading through them and noting a whopping trend to put the stops on my capers and make a conscious decision to stop engaging in the unavailable bullsh*t and either be alone and happy, or with a guy that is available and be happy.
I have to say: I have loved being single and I was scared in the past of what it would be like to be in a relationship because I do enjoy my me-time. I have a job that annoys me and highly entertains me but keeps me busy; I have my passion which is writing and developing my sites, plus a busy social life with various circles of friends, plus my other interests, plus a happy ability to be on my own for lengthy periods of time. I’ve done what I want, when I want and the only person I have had to be accountable for is myself. I spread out in the bed, iron naked, sometimes leave the tidying to build up a little, use the toilet with the bathroom door open, have secret desserts whilst snickering at toilet humour TV, plus I have my Ronald McDonald striped woolie slipper sockies and blankets to snuggle into on the sofa. I can grow a jungle in my knickers if I feel like it (I don’t though) but I don’t stress if it becomes slightly ungroomed as no-one is going to see it. I sometimes lay around in boudoir knickers and a t-shirt watching TV and I shop to my hearts content and don’t have to lie about the cost of things to anyone.
Over the almost three years I have been very antsy about relinquishing my freedom and time. I have laid in bed on a Saturday with a past squeeze and felt anxiety grip me as I worried about when I was going to go to the gym, do the groceries and update the blog. Like a number of single people I know, I would be practically rushing someone out the door so I could regain my space equilibrium.
It’s weird because I acknowledged that this is the first guy I have been with in this period where I am very comfortable and have very little anxiety. Normally there is an undercurrent, which means that no matter how much of a laugh that I had with a past squeeze, underneath it there was the irritability and anxiety caused by a secret knowledge that the whole thing wasn’t right for me. They were never part of my life and just fixtures that I squeezed in on an ad hoc basis. After a while I got bored and had to acknowledge that it was my own fault that I had even been in these situations in the first place.
As humans we can be very territorial over people, objects, ideas, dreams, and often over ourselves. When we don’t want to let someone in, we just won’t and our actions become our self protection. We fight for our perceived space, our perceived life and values and wonder why we still don’t feel right. Sometimes you have to wonder are we fighting them, or ourselves?
It’s difficult to pinpoint what makes this guy so different and makes me want to cross the vast divide into coupledom, but being in the presence of someone who takes a genuine interest in me, isn’t trying to just get his leg over and have something casual, and who is emotionally available has a hell of a lot to do with it. I suspect that in the past I may not have recognised or appreciated these great qualities in a guy, and gone for the edgier absentee, but he’s provided an edge which has made me sit up and pay attention. He’s a genuinely nice guy and that’s exactly what I should be with. Not some unavailable, jumped up assclown that’s feeding me a line that I’m swallowing on the promise of his potential.
It’s early days yet, and I know it won’t be plain sailing and it could all go tits up for whatever reason, but this is the first time that I actually want to try and that’s half the battle. It will have to be worked at and eased into, but I already recognise that I just need to manage certain things differently to accommodate my change in lifestyle. It helps that I have been honest with him about my extra-curricular activities so there is no need for me to stress about putting aside time to secretly accommodate them.
Don’t worry though – I may have crossed the divide but I’m still looking back at my single friends out there and I won’t be abandoning them for Noah’s Relationship Ark! I am NML after all and that just wouldn’t be right now, would it!? Note to all: Don’t forget where you came from, you may have to go there some time.